Pan Goatee’s Proposed Immigration Policy and Donald Trump’s Proposed 4th July Parade

July 2, 2019 at 10:23 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Proposed Immigration Policy and Donald Trump’s Proposed 4th July Parade

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (a most devout adherent of the aesthetic theories of Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche) had gone into a nearby mall to buy a submarine sandwich from Subway.

Unfortunately for him, a typical stupid looking Calgary ugly white woman was standing at the counter buying a sub.

Goatee immediately beheaded the woman while also losing his appetite after seeing her.

As he walked back to his place, he thought what a wimp the Dalai Lama was for apologizing about saying he didn’t want an ugly woman as his successor.

What is Tibetan Buddhism coming to these days? Goatee wondered as he stepped on an ant on the sidewalk and then killed a fly that landed on his arm.

The satyr serial killer recalled images that Representatives Julian Castro and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had shot of the conditions of migrant detention camps on the U.S.-Mexico border.

Goatee noticed that most of the Latina women were quite pretty.

And, Goatee reflected as he fired off a text message to his local Member of Parliament, the same could definitely not be said for the vast majority of female descendants of white European settlers who settled in Calgary over a hundred years ago.

The city was definitely a compelling argument against the practice of first cousins marrying first cousins.

Goatee told his MP that if Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was indeed the great humanitarian leader he was always proclaiming himself to be in every single media interview that he’s ever given, he really should let the migrants held in detention camps on the U.S. -Mexico border enter Canada.

This would not only make Trudeau better looking than Trump (although he already was that according to the ghosts of Oscar Wilde and Liberace) but it would also improve the aesthetic beauty of Canada and particularly Calgary if many of the migrants settled here.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was boasting to his English butler and valet Lexington about the huge military parade he was planning in the U.S. capital for this coming 4th of July.

“I got the idea while holding hands with Emmanuel Macron in the streets of Paris at their Bastille Day parade 2 years ago,” Trump enthused, “so for this year’s 4th of July, there’s going to be Air Force planes flying all over DC and army tanks rolling down the streets of Washington helping to damage the city’s transportation infrastructure.”

“Why don’t you send an ICBM into the chambers of the House of Representatives killing all those nasty Democrats while you’re at it?” Lexington sarcastically thought aloud.

“Lexington,” Trump kissed Lexington on the cheeks with a fervour that would have made the Jesuit priest Father James Martin proud, “what a splendid idea.”

“I was just joking,” the valet took out a handkerchief and wiped the $750.00 Ivanka brand of lipstick off his cheek.

“Oh,” Trump looked disappointed.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday July 2nd
2019.

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The Raven Rapper Sings A Rap Song

March 10, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Music, News, Poetry, Politics, Television, Vampire novel, Video) (, , , , , , , )

Simon Cowell (a judge on the TV shows America’s Got Talent and Britain’s Got Talent) was having a dream whereby he was appearing as a guest judge on the Canadian TV talent show Canada’s Got Cannabis.

The premise of the program was the judges judged the talent after they had smoked a whole bunch of pot.

Simon’s fellow judges for the show were Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the ET gray Gali-Gula (an ET gray from the planet Nibiru who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).

The cactus plant juggling penguin who was covered in bandaids made Justin think sadly of his own marijuana smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who was being held prisoner at a Chinese Communist re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in the Xinjiang region of eastern China.

As the penguin was being carried off stage on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance, Justin Trudeau received a text message on his Huawei smart phone that hundreds of thousands of jobs were being lost in the Canadian province of Alberta.

“Who cares?” Justin yawned and shrugged and helped himself to some more cannabis cookies.

Justin had fond memories from his childhood of his father Pierre Elliott giving Albertans the raised middle finger from the window of a train as they rode through Banff National Park.

The next act was a giant gorilla who would be climbing up Toronto’s CN Tower to rescue a screaming Kim Kardashian who was at the top.

He would be doing this as he was buzzed by drones resembling World War I biplanes and triplanes.

As the body of the late Kong was loaded into a hearse big enough to fit him, Justin received a text message on his Huawei that thousands of jobs might be lost in the Canadian province of Quebec.

“Oh shit, I gotta go,” Justin cried and ran out the auditorium, “Maybe I can pressure Jody Wilson-Raybould to do something. Oh shit, she’s resigned from the cabinet.”

The next act appeared on stage as the remaining Simon Cowell and Gali-Gula smoked their tokes.

“And so, what’s your story?” Simon asked the next act as he hummed the tune to the song I Dreamed A Dream from the musical Les Miserables.

“Well,” a giant raven appeared on stage, “I’m a raven and I’m immortal and I’m the same raven who once sat on a bust of Pallas Athena in Edgar Allan Poe’s lodgings over a century and a half ago.”

“How positively dreary,” Cowell remarked as the show approached the midnight hour.

The raven broke into his rap song,

“Oh yes, it’s true that I’m a raven
you might think I’m rather craven
sitting atop Athena’s head
as if it were my own bed
even if I shout “Nevermore”
as I come rapping at your door
while you sing praises of lost Lenore
stop nodding your head weak and weary
stop crying with your eyes so bleary
don’t you know Lenore’s gone for good
That’s the saying in the hood
take your punishment like a man
and stop throwing kleenex in the can
Think of it as bleak December
stop trying to remember
let your mind be like a dying ember
cast out your thoughts of lost Lenore
while I find my way to the door
my parting words, Nevermore.

-A vampire novel chapter
and rap song
written by Christopher
Sunday March 10th
2019.


The Raven’s advice: Time to give up thoughts of Lenore

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Meng Sues As Justin Slips, Renfield Saved By Lepardia Once Again

March 4, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Last Friday, the Canadian Federal Government announced that it would be going ahead with the extradition case against Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.

Today the Chinese government in Beijing formally charged Canadians Michael Kovrig and Michael Spavor with espionage.

“A mere coincidence? Hardly,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield told BBC Radio quoting a statement that the narrator of the early 1970s film Chariots of The Gods often made throughout the course of the movie.

In addition to public moves by the Chinese government, it was also doing some private ones.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s pet marijuana smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever (who had been abducted by Chinese vampiress Mei-ling Manchu the daughter of Dr. Fu Manchu shortly after Meng Wanzhou’s arrest) had been moved from the mystical pot smoking hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula to a Uighur re-education camp for Uighur transgender transsexuals in China’s Xinjiang region where pot smoking was strictly prohibited.

There videos of Strawberry Fields Forever undergoing pot withdrawal symptoms while being surrounded by Uighur equivalents of Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner would be emailed and/or text messaged to Justin on his private server every day.

“A most sublime form of torture,” a smiling supernatural entity known as the Black Dragon told a smiling Chinese Communist paramount leader Xi Jinping over a pot of green tea.

In addition, various Canadians were now disappearing off the streets of Chinese cities.

The Canadian beaver would definitely not be winning any pissing contests with the Chinese dragon.

In addition, Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou had now launched a civil lawsuit against the Canadian Border Services Agency, the RCMP and the Canadian Attorney-General’s Department for violating her constitutional rights on failures of government officials to comply with the rule of law upon her detention, search and interrogation at the Vancouver International Airport on December 1st 2018.

“What probably happened,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield explained to CNN’s Anderson Cooper on the subject, “from my Canadian friends in the know is the sheer egotism and Luciferian self-deification of those who work in the Canadian Border Services Agency. Many males who work for the CBSA are impotent bedwetters with small penises and many females who work for the CBSA are lesbian blowhards who wish they had penises. These serious inflictions cause these people to become Hellhounds and Hellhags when it comes to dealing with members of the general public.”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was watching the CNN interview between Renfield and Cooper when he received his first video from the Uighur re-education camp in Xinjiang as a text message.

The video showed a Uighur transgender accidentally sitting on the desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever and then standing up singing those old Culture Club Boy George lyrics of the early 1980s, “Do you really want to hurt me…?”.

“Poor Strawberry Fields Forever,” Justin wept, “He can’t stand listening to any songs or music past 1969.”

The Black Dragon then arrived on the scene singing,

“… we haven’t had that spirit here since 1969…
… we are all just prisoners here of our own device…
… You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave.”

Some burnt Eagle feathers fell down on top of the desert cactus plant.

. . .

In addition to foreign troubles with China, Justin was also having domestic troubles at home in Canada.

Canadian Treasury Board President Jane Philpott had just resigned from the Trudeau cabinet earlier today Monday March 4th 2019 as her reaction to the SNC-Lavalin scandal in which members of the Prime Minister’s Office had tried to pressure then Canadian Justice Minister and Attorney-General Jody Wilson-Raybould into dropping a criminal prosecution case against the Quebec-based construction company SNC-Lavalin.

Trudeau had just re-shuffled his cabinet last Friday in reaction to Jody Wilson-Raybould resigning as Veterans’ Affairs Minister back on February 12th and now he would have to undertake another cabinet shuffle.

Trudeau fell asleep and had a dream that he was tap dancer Fred Astaire with both Ginger Rogers and Rita Hayworth leaving the stage without him.

Justin then did a solitary tap dance as he sang, “I’m doing the cabinet shuffle. Oh yeah, I’m doing the cabinet shuffle” as he shuffled his feet.

Justin then slipped on a banana peel and fell off stage while doing the shuffle.

He was immediately eaten by a Black Dragon who already had in his stomach a desert cactus plant undergoing marijuana smokers’ withdrawal.

. . .

A gay Argentinian Jesuit priest stood outside the British House of Commons holding Punch and Judy puppets with toy chainsaws in both their puppet hands.

The Jesuit was going to use the two respective puppets and the four respective toy chainsaws to assassinate British MP Renfield R. Renfield as he exited the Commons.

The priest had been ordered by one of his superiors in the Vatican to assassinate the British Transhumanist MP.

As the priest stood there, a leopard suddenly lunged at him.

The leopard ripped him to shreds.

Like most contemporary Jesuit priests, the now ripped to pieces assassin was a modernist liberal progressive Marxist who didn’t really believe in the existence of the Supernatural.

Had he done so, he might have paid heed to the warning of Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol that there was a were-leopard (a person able to shapeshift into the form of a leopard) that had been haunting the streets of London the past few years.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield left the Commons where he had spent the day in his parliamentary office being interviewed by news networks from around the world.

As such his spirit advisors the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill had taken the day off visiting the Tate Gallery.

Renfield looked around for his date for this evening Lepardia Marango who was the Cultural Attache at the South African Embassy in London.

Then he saw her:

She looked resplendent.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 4th
2019

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Gali-Gula Proposes An NRC Contract Assassin, Cthulhu On California Coast and The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology

August 6, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Gali-Gula Proposes An NRC Contract Assassin, Cthulhu On California Coast and The Three Fates of Greek Mythology

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was feeling depressed.

The reason?

Deteriorating relations with Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦.

Canada had called for the release of Saudi-American woman human rights campaigner Samar Badawi from jail after being arrested by the so-called “reform” government of asshole Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.

Saudi Arabia over the protest froze all trade with Canada and expelled Canada’s ambassador to Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦.

One of the Saudi government’s verified Twitter accounts showed an image of a Saudi plane flying towards Toronto’s famed CN Tower about to crash into it (thus supporting British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s theory that some high Saudi government officials secretly backed Osama bin Laden and the 9/11 attacks).

The tweet was later deleted but had been caught by Canadian Government computer screenshots.

Inhaling marijuana smoke breathed out by Strawberry Fields Forever the Canadian Prime Minister’s pot smoking desert cactus 🌵 plant inside the greenhouse, Gali-Gula the ET gray from Nibiru appeared to the pot inhaler Justin Trudeau and suggested that the NRC (National Research Council of Canada) create an NRC equivalent of DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee who will conduct assassinations on behalf of the Canadian government.

Justin replied that was a good idea and said in the meantime that he was going to ask British MP Renfield R. Renfield to pay a visit to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman given Renfield’s recent triumphant victories over the Russian Wolves nationalist motorcycle gang and the Mexican Disciples of Santa Muerte drug cartel.

. . .

Cthulhu the several hundred metres tall giant octopus 🐙, dragon 🐉 and human (first foreseen by early 20th Century American horror writer H. P. Lovecraft) was approaching the City of San Francisco, California.

“Oh shit,” said Democratic Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi on the deck of her boat when she saw him approach and proceeded to do just that.

Giving a whole new meaning to the term Poop 💩 Deck.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield wearing a t-shirt that said PSYCHOPATHS 4 GOOD (that was bought for him by New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont after his recent massacre and mass bodily dismemberment of the entire Disciples of Santa Muerte drug cartel) and a pair of Pan Goatee image emblazoned Hawaiian style boxer shorts was giving a speech to the Annual August Summer Banquet of the London Press Club.

Sitting in the audience were the 3 beautiful Fates of Greek Mythology- all of whom had become quite smitten with Renfield.

Renfield began his speech, “In the words of a great wise man… a journey of a thousand miles always begins… with a trip to the washroom.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 6th
2018.

The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology listening to British MP Renfield R. Renfield speak at the Annual August Summer Banquet of The London Press Club

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Gali-Gula Teleprompts A Justin Trudeau Speech

October 9, 2017 at 8:39 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Gali-Gula Teleprompts A Justin Trudeau Speech

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was about to give a speech to a Toronto media club (for the Toronto media loved Prime Minister Pothead Selfie 🤳 Socks as more intelligent people called him- in fact it was the Toronto media’s ultimate objective in life to be able to have their lips 👄 surgically attached to Justin’s buttocks so they could forever be kissing his ass).

As Trudeau waited behind the curtains to walk out on to the stage, the Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula (who was possessed by the ghost of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.

“What are you doing here?” Justin’s jaw dropped along with his underwear, “I’m only supposed to see you if I’ve been inhaling pot.”

“And what do you think that aging hippy anti-Vietnam war protestor veteran you’ve been talking to the past half hour was smoking, you moron?” Gali-Gula asked.

“Oh, shit,” Justin gulped.

“Pot actually,” the ET gray corrected the Prime Ministerial bozo.

“How can I give a speech if you’re here?” Justin was flustered 😩, “I’ll lose my concentration.”

“I’ll help you,” Gali-Gula smiled, “I’ll act as your teleprompter.”

Justin went out to face the media and the music.

“On the issue of the Energy East pipeline…” Justin paused.

Gali-Gula teleprompted, “The people of Western Canada and the province of Alberta in particular can go fuck themselves for the sake of national unity. Everyone knows the Ottawa government revolves around the master race province of Quebec.”

Trudeau repeated the words verbatim then gulped.

“You know that’s what you’re really thinking,” Gali-Gula smiled at him.

“On the issue of tax reform that my Finance Minister Bill Morneau and myself are bringing forth…” Trudeau again paused.

Gali-Gula teleprompted, “We’re going to completely wipe out the middle class in this country. As you know, historically speaking, Communist revolutions are most successful in societies where there is no middle class present. Why are we doing this? Because it’s 2017. It’s the 100th Anniversary of the Russian Bolshevik Revolution for Christ’s… I mean… for… Lenin’s sake.”

Trudeau repeated the words verbatim then gulped again.

“The acorn never does fall far from the tree,” Gali-Gula recalled Justin’s Marxist-Leninist sympathizing father Pierre Elliot.

“On the issue of legalizing pot which….” Justin paused again.

“… appears to be the only campaign promise that I’m actually keeping,” Gali-Gula teleprompted, “we’re naturally moving full speed ahead. Why? Because potheads are so stoned and out of their minds, they’ll naturally line up to receive the Mark of the Beast when that great global leader the Antichrist, the Beast, 666 arrives on the world 🌎 scene.”

Trudeau once again repeated the words verbatim and then gulped again.

“That’s probably the first totally honest speech that Justin has given since he first entered politics,” Gali-Gula remarked to a shocked 😳 Prime Ministerial aide who couldn’t see or hear him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 9th
2017.

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Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede

July 15, 2017 at 6:22 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was at the Calgary Stampede today.

As he went around acknowledging the crowds and acknowledging the boos, Justin hoped he wouldn’t run into any one smoking marijuana during the Stampede.

On every occasion when he inhaled even a whiff of marijuana, he’d always run into that annoying ET gray from the planet Nibiru- an ET gray named Gali-Gula (whose extraterrestrial 👽 body was possessed by the ghost of the late ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).

Seeing Gali-Gula at the recent Canada 🇨🇦 Day 150 celebrations in Ottawa had so flabbergasted Justin, he forgot to mention the province of Alberta in his Parliament Hill speech.

Now as he walked around the Stampede grounds, he hoped he wouldn’t catch a whiff of marijuana.

He happened to notice a group of people holding up a sign saying WE SUPPORT A CARBON TAX.

He went over to talk to them and caught the biggest whiff of marijuana smoke imaginable from the group.

“Oh, no!” Justin quickly walked away.

He went to talk to another group of people.

And in the crowd, ET gray Gali-Gula asked him, “If I threw a grenade and killed someone, would you pay me $10.5 million like you did Omar Khadr?”.

“Fuck you asshole!” An angry 😡 Justin replied.

“What was that?” Alberta Premier Rachel Notley looked at Justin with a great look of astonishment and horror.

“Sorry,” Justin apologized, ” I was talking to Gali-Gula the ET gray standing behind you.”

People looked and not seeing anyone there, they raised their eyebrows and looked suspiciously at Justin.

Justin was then called away to officially open a rubber duck pond which had never been officially opened during the whole time of the Stampede.

As Justin pronounced the words “I officially declare this rubber duck pond open”, Gali-Gula held up a sign that said, THE RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM – 11th CENTURY AD. THE RUBY YACHT OF OMAR KHADR- 21St CENTURY AD.

“Go fuck yourself, you tiny little son of a bitch,” Justin screamed.

A small child broke into tears.

“No, no,” Justin apologized, “I didn’t mean you.”

Two of the Prime Minister’s aides looked at one another.

They better get the Prime Minister the Hell out of here before he inflicted any more collateral damage.

They grabbed him and ran straight out of the Stampede grounds.

A 75-year-old ramrod straight cowboy in an ancient looking white Stetson (who had no use for anyone with the last name of Trudeau) shouted after him, “Hey you bum, it’s going to be difficult taking your shirt off for a selfie while you’re wearing a straight jacket.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 15th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

July 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.

Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.

Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.

ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.

His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.

Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was currently attending the G-20 Summit in Hamburg Germany.

As he munched on his Hamburg hamburger alongside German Chancellor Angela Merkel, he reflected on the huge gaffe he had made in Ottawa at last weekend’s Canada Day 150th Anniversary.

He had mentioned every province and territory in Canada in his Canada Day speech except the province of Alberta (the home of famous Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing).

When he left the stage and was informed of his gaffe, he came back and said, “I love you, Alberta” and blew a kiss at the TV cameras causing a wide-eyed teen-aged girl in the crowd (whose name was Alberta) to swoon and faint.

Trudeau’s failure to mention Alberta had angered some Albertans who still remembered Justin’s father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s energy wars of the 1970s and early 1980s with then Alberta Premier Peter Lougheed over control of the province’s oil and natural gas resources.

Pierre Trudeau’s National Energy Program (NEP) had siphoned billions of dollars from Alberta’s provincial coffers into his own federal government’s treasury.

After bringing in the NEP and figuratively giving Albertans the finger, Pierre Trudeau then literally gave Albertans the finger while crossing through the Province’s Rocky Mountains by train.

Justin Trudeau’s neglect in mentioning Alberta by name at the Canada 150 celebrations in the Canadian nation’s capital of Ottawa struck some Albertans as the son’s equivalent of the father’s giving them the finger.

But really, Justin reflected, it was an accident.

An accident caused by the ET gray from Nibiru named Gali-Gula making funny faces at him while he was speaking.

Justin had promised to legalize marijuana during the 2015 Canadian federal election campaign- a promise which won him numerous seats in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland.

After winning the election, Justin started his own personal one man investigation into the after effects of smoking marijuana.

And whenever he smoked pot, those were the only times that Gali-Gula (the ET gray from Nibiru whose body was possessed by the ghost of the late earthling ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.

Justin had resolved not to smoke any pot ahead of the Canada 150 celebrations.

That way he wouldn’t be seeing Gali-Gula and he also wouldn’t anger the crowd by eating up all the hot dogs at the hot dog stand when he got the munchies.

The trouble was when he got up on the stage, some in the crowd were celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday by smoking pot themselves and Justin had the misfortune of inhaling much of the smoke.

So then Gali-Gula appeared to him just as he was about to mention Alberta by name.

Gali-Gula stuck two fingers in both his ears and then stuck his tongue out making a funny face at the Canadian Prime Minister.

This action on the ET gray’s part totally discombobulated Justin and he forgot to mention Alberta.

Later when Justin came back and said, “I love you, Alberta”, Gali-Gula decided to fly to Alberta and land on the UFO Flying Saucer landing pad in the town of Saint Paul, Alberta built in Canada’s centennial year of 1967.

Gali-Gula’s UFO driving narrowly missed making an omelette out of the world’s largest Ukrainian coloured Easter egg near the town of Vegreville, Alberta and narrowly missed making shredded duck out of the statue of the world’s largest duck outside the town of Andrew, Alberta.

“So,” Chancellor Angela said to Prime Minister Justin over his hamburger rousing him from his thoughts, “I said to Donald, either pee or get off the pot.”

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec walked the streets of Roswell New Mexico.

She wore a black dress in mourning for the lives lost at Roswell 70 years ago.

Her Samsung mobile phone rang.

She answered.

It was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing phoning.

They chatted.

Suddenly Qonzilqointec could hear the sounds of gunfire coming from the other end of the phone.

“Dracul, what’s happening?” Qonzilqointec asked.

“Some assassins tried to shoot me,” Dracul answered, “but I shot and killed them first with my Uzi sub machine gun that was given to me as a gift by the host of the Israeli reality TV series Battle of The Rabbis: Orthodox vs. Reformed vs. Conservative vs. Golda’s Uncle’s Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel Worshiping Cult.”

“Who were the assassins?” Qonzilqointec asked, “Agents sent by an evil Transylvanian baron from his lair in the Carpathians?”.

“No,” Dracul replied, “They were operatives from the CPL.”

“CPL?” Qonzilqointec queried.

“The Calgary Public Library,” Dracul answered, “They claimed I forgot to return a book. But it wasn’t true. The only book I ever borrowed from them was an Archie comic book graphic novel called Afterlife With Archie about Jughead Jones leading a zombie apocalypse attack on the community of Riverdale. But I returned it. I even have a receipt slip showing that I did. But Calgary Public Library operatives’ instructions are to shoot first and ask questions later.”

“I see,” Qonzilqointec sighed sadly.

“So you’re at Roswell eh?” Dracul asked.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “wondering what happened here 70 years ago?”.

“Maybe some poor snook ET gray forgot to return a book to the Calgary Public Library so CPL operatives fired a surface-to-air missile that hit his craft just above Roswell New Mexico,” Dracul speculated.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 7th 2017.

Qonziqointec In Mourning For Roswell Crash Victims
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash.

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Justin Trudeau and Gali-Gula Discuss Bimbo Eruptions

April 6, 2017 at 6:22 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau gave a long exhale.

“I wonder what the fun is in smoking this if you don’t inhale,” Justin Trudeau was recalling a peculiar statement that then Presidential candidate Bill Clinton had made back in the 1992 U.S. Presidential election.

“Hello, Prime Minister,” an unclothed and completely nude ET gray greeted him.

“Good God, Gali-Gula,” Justin choked on his joint, “why is it that I only see you when I’m smoking marijuana?”.

“I have no idea, Prime Minister,” Gali-Gula shrugged, “how have you been doing?”.

“Well, these days some people claim that I’m prone to making bimbo eruptions,” Justin remarked angrily.

“What’s a bimbo eruption?” asked Gali-Gula.

“It’s making an outrageously stupid statement and one that comes out of nowhere,” Justin said.

“I don’t think I’m familiar with bimbo eruptions,” Gali-Gula went to the refrigerator and helped himself to a can of Molson Canadian beer which he had first tried on his dominatrix whipped rear end a year ago.

Justin noticed for the first time that the nude ET gray had no genitalia.

“Say,” Justin asked, “is it easier to pee without genitalia?”.

“That’s an awfully stupid question,” the ET gray answered as he opened up the can of Molson Canadian and was immediately sprayed with foam.

“Sorry, I apologize,” the volcanically active bimbo eruptive Prime Minister apologized.

“I didn’t know you were prone to bimbo eruptions,” Gali-Gula drank the beer.

“Neither was I. I thought it was only something that blonde females were prone to,” said the self-proclaimed feminist Mr. Trudeau.

There was a knock at the door which immediately opened.

Gali-Gula dropped the beer and vanished.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you were having a one-man party, Prime Minister,” the aide noticed the spilled can of beer on the floor and the joint of pot in Trudeau’s hand, “but President Trump is on Line 1.”

Justin walked over to the phone and picked it up, “Hello, Mr. President?”.

Trump replied, “Hello Justin. Great talking to you. In lieu of what just happened in Syria, I wanted to ask you, what do you know about the after effects of using chemicals?”.

Justin Trudeau looked out the window with pot in hand and noticed a UFO spaceship flying away.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 5th
2017.

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