Set, Baphomet, Moloch, The Coronavirus, Ratatoskr and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

March 9, 2020 at 11:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Set, Baphomet, Moloch, The Coronavirus, Ratatoskr and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was asked by his butler and valet Athelstan, “Tell me, sir, back during the world financial crisis of 2008, you went from being a billionaire to being a mere multi-millionaire. It was only Renfield betting all you had on Spain winning the 2010 FIFA World Cup that led to you becoming a billionaire again. Now that the stock markets today have taken their worst hit and plunge since the global economic meltdown of 2008, are you in danger of becoming a mere multi-millionaire again?”.

“Fortunately not, Athelstan,” Set sipped his martini and ate his caviar, “I learned my lesson from 2008. I have a wide reserve of gold that I bought and hid in an abandoned mine somewhere in the British Isles that is guarded by a clone that Dr. Cadbury Rocher made of Hades’ 3 headed dog Cerberus. So I’m ready for whatever downturn happens.”

“I suppose it was fears over the Coronavirus that sparked this panic, sir,” Athelstan handed the ancient Egyptian vampire a bottle of Corona beer with a lemon inside.

“It was,” Set nodded, “That and a row between Saudi Arabia and Russia over the price and supply of oil that sent oil prices into a down spin.”

Set then grabbed a bottle of tequila with a large worm inside the bottle from the tray that Athelstan presented to him.

. . .

The demon Baphomet was having a conversation with the ancient Canaanite god Moloch.

“This Coronavirus is quite delightful,” Baphomet drank a test tube full of the virus, “As a result, I see the Vatican has cancelled all public Masses in Rome and Italy from now until April 3rd.”

The pair were sitting in a totally empty Rome taverna.

“And from what I understand from my sources in the Vatican which are many,” the bull-headed god rubbed his metallic furnace belly, “Pope Francis would like to extend that indefinitely.”

“It was rather nice of George Soros, Hillary Clinton and the Sankt Gallen Mafia to force Benedict XVI to resign and put in Pope Francis for us,” Baphomet ordered an extra fruity strawberry daiquiri with a side of goat’s milk.

“It was,” Moloch nodded as he gratefully took his plate of the Hillary Clinton Secret Topping Pizza from the waiter.

. . .

After a day out campaign stumping for Bernie Sanders at which she told crowds, “He’s da man!”, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was back in her hotel room and opening one of her drawers to take out her vibrator to bring her some much needed relief.

It helped relieve her anxiety.

An intern might be good enough for Bill Clinton but it wasn’t good enough for her.

When she opened the drawer, she got the shock of her life when, instead of her vibrator, a red squirrel with elongated pointed ears jumped out at her.

“I think I’m going squirrelly,” she moaned as her skirt fell to the floor.

“I’m Ratatoskr,” the apparently talking squirrel introduced himself.

“The squirrel in Norse mythology who runs up and down the world tree Yggdrasil to carry messages back and forth between the eagle perched atop Yggdrasil and the serpent Nidhoggr who dwells beneath one of the three roots of the tree?” Alexandria asked as her bra came apart at the back.

“You’ve heard of me?” Ratatoskr grinned as he helped himself to a nut from a small jar labelled Alexandria’s Socialist Nuts.

“My yoga instructor talked about you last week as he came out of a trance after listening to an old LP called the Tibetan Buddhist Monks and Lamas’ Greatest Mind Altering Chants,” Alexandria explained, “What are you doing here?”.

“Well, I’m searching for a new job after the world tree Yggdrasil was cut down this past weekend by a Brazilian logging conglomerate that was given permission by Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro to do so,” Ratatoskr washed down the nut with a bottle of Amazon Rainwater.

“So what do you want with me?” Alexandria inquired.

“Well, I’m here to serve as your new spirit guide,” Ratatoskr grinned, “Your Silva Method instructor sent me. He figured you might need a new one since the leprechaun who had been assigned to you got sodomized by some guy dressed as a rainbow at the recent Queens NY Saint Pat’s For All Parade that was held this past Saint David’s Day. He’s now undergoing treatment for PTSD.”

Meanwhile in an abandoned mine in Cornwall, a Cerberus clone was keeping a close eye on Set’s pots of gold.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 9th
2020.

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Pan Goatee, Krampus and The 200th Anniversary of King George III’s Death

January 29, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, History, International Intrigue, Literature, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Krampus and The 200th Anniversary of King George III’s Death

Pan Goatee was enjoying an egg salad sub sandwich that he had bought from the Subway in the local shopping mall food court.

When he had finished the sandwich, he was going to buy himself a dozen Subway cookies for $6.

Just then an ugly looking female member of the ISIS Islamic State went up to the Subway with her detonation belt.

Goatee quickly beheaded the ugly looking creature before she could do any damage.

Although she had already caused a great deal of damage to the aesthetic environment with her ugliness.

Goatee then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces with his astral laser machete.

Rats recently released from the 1971 American horror film Willard in a repertory theatre then ate the ugly looking female suicide bomber.

They then vomited in nearby washrooms.

Goatee received a text message from the demon goat Krampus.

Krampus told Goatee that he had recently developed an allergy to the musical melody of the Johann Strauss waltz The Blue Danube whenever it was played.

“Wow, what a bummer,” Goatee stated sympathetically.

. . .

Today was the 200th Anniversary of King George III’s death.

And as such, Hades the god of the Underworld had granted the ghost of King George III a temporary dispensation to leave the Underworld.

As Cerberus was busy licking up the salt remains of Lot’s wife at the entrance/exit to the Underworld, the English poets Robert Southey and Lord Byron both stood there weeping at the cave of Hades/Sheol as they watched the late King George III of England leave (albeit only for a day).

Southey and Byron were not weeping over the late George III’s temporary absence but over the fact that both poets were wrong over their respective visions of judgment of King George III’s soul.

For George III had not entered heaven according to either man’s poetic thesis but was rather still currently spending a lot more time in Purgatory than either poet imagined (since neither Southey nor Byron had believed in Purgatory in their mortal lives).

The only people who were more upset than Southey or Byron at George III leaving Purgatory were the Puritan founders of America (who were mainly upset by the fact that Purgatory existed).

Hades and Persephone, after consultation with various devils and fallen angels, had come to the conclusion that the greatest Purgatorial punishment for the Puritans was for the ghost of Hamlet’s father King Hamlet of Denmark to drop by on a daily basis (as they were roasting away on their barbecue spits) and bang his staff (borrowed from Tolkien’s Middle Earth hero Gandalf) and announce to them, “The Bard was right. The Bard was right.” 

He would then break into his speech that he had once delivered to young Hamlet,

“I am thy father’s spirit,
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
And for the day confined to fast in fires,
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature 
Are burnt and purged away.”

And then as ever on a daily basis, Oliver Cromwell was cut up and put into an Irish shepherd’s pie and roasted in the oven.

Only to be repeated the next day.

George III spent his 200th deathday watching the impeachment trial of Donald Trump in the U.S. Senate while sitting next to U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts in the Senate chamber.

“So, this is what Washington and Jefferson and Ben Franklin’s project has come to,” George III laughed as he drank his now tax free ghostly tea rescued from the bottom of Boston Harbour.

As for Ben Franklin and his friend the English aristocratic rake Sir Francis Dashwood, they no longer found the terms “Members of the Hellfire Club” so funny anymore.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 29th
2020.

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Ghosts of Lenin, Caesar Augustus and Big Julius On A November Evening

November 7, 2019 at 11:07 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Ghosts of Lenin, Caesar Augustus and Big Julius On A November Evening

Today marked the 102nd anniversary of the Russian Bolshevik Revolution.

And Hades (the Greek god of the Underworld) accompanied by his 3-headed dog Cerberus was being driven in a fire proof chariot through the flames of Tartarus.

They pulled up alongside the barbecue spit that Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin was roasting away on.

As Lenin was busy screaming, Hades waved him a cheerful hello.

“I have great news, Vladimir,” Hades smiled a Pepsodent toothpaste smile, “a group of Hollywood celebrities have asked that I grant you a temporary 24 hour dispensation from Tartarus so that you can attend a Hollywood dinner in your honour to celebrate the 102nd anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution.”

“That’s great,” Lenin acknowledged between his screams.

As Lenin’s ghost was being temporarily freed from Tartarus, the ghosts of Julius Caesar and Caesar Augustus were already sitting in the Oval Office of the White House.

“Gentlemen,” Trump helped himself to some Russian caviar, “you’re probably wondering why I asked you to be here with me today. Well as you know those nasty Democrats in Congress are trying to impeach me accusing me of “high crimes and misdemeanours” which is a total lie.
I’ve never taken drugs and been high in my entire life.”

“What do you want with us?” The ghost of Caesar Augustus waved aside a plate of mushrooms that Trump offered him recalling a plate of mushrooms that his wife Livia Drusilla once offered him in his mortal life which was the last dish he ever ate.

“I’m glad you asked,” Trump helped himself to a smoked oyster, “I’m thinking of declaring an end to the Republic and proclaiming myself Emperor of America. So I need your advice. Julius, you thought of making yourself Emperor and ended up being assassinated by a group of Senators on the Capitol steps on the Ides of March. So I try to avoid the Capitol steps these days. Augustus, you actually did make yourself Emperor. So, of course, I’m quite anxious to talk to you.”

“Why do you want to make yourself Emperor?” Julius asked.

“Well just on the off chance that I’m impeached and the very off chance I’m found guilty by 2/3 of the Senate at my Senate trial, I can’t be removed from office obviously being the great divine personage that I am. So I’ll have to proclaim myself Emperor so the American people can continue to enjoy my great and unparalleled wisdom for years to come.”

Julius and Augustus both blinked at the last statement.


“Just look at the poor quality of people proclaiming themselves Emperor these days.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 7th
2019.

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New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo Attends Baal and Baphomet Cocktail Party

January 27, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo was spending his Sunday evening attending a cocktail party in honour of the demons Baal and Baphomet.

The party was being held on one of the top floors of the Empire State Building.

The party room had an excellent view of the ghost of the very late King Herod of Judea (recently granted a dispensation by Hades to briefly leave the Underworld at the request of Pope Francis) dancing around the spire at the top of One World Trade Center.

King Herod had bright almost neon bright translucent pink (rather than brown) pieces of ectoplasmic crap that fell out of his anus as it was sodomized by the spire of One World Trade Center while the latest number one hip hop song was played on a cosmic accordion by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus.

“How delightful!” Andrew Cuomo laughed as he ate a barbequed baby rabbit’s foot and watched the spectacle.

The governor walked over to the statue of the Syrian Greek king Antiochus Epiphanes where the demon Baal stood in front of the statue carving roast pork and handing it out to party goers on plates.

Having picked up some roast pork, he then walked over to the statue and fountain of the Greek god Dionysus which showed Dionysus urinating what appeared to be human blood. The blood was in fact a combination of pig’s blood (according to spirit cook Marina Abramovic) and a pinkish style champagne.

Dionysus urinated the blood on top of the head of his Maenad (female disciple) the Theban princess Agave who was mutilating the body of and ripping off the head of her own son Pentheus.

The bloody pink champagne cocktail was served out in a glass by the demon Baphomet.

With glass of pink champagne in one hand and a plate of roast pork in the other, Gov. Cuomo walked over to some of the editors of the New York Times present at the party.

Not far from Gov. Cuomo stood Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

He was not here on official business but was on a date with a female Turkish diplomat invited to the party.

Whitstable was reading on his smart phone about how a Venezuelan hangman executioner had been ripped apart by a blue eyed white wolf and silver eyed black jaguar earlier this week when he attempted to hang the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec for plotting to overthrow Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.

Coincidentally enough, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was herself in an office above this party getting ready to assassinate a Russian diplomat on behalf of British Intelligence.

She had decorated herself in temporary (albeit realistic looking) tattoos to lure the Russian diplomat who had a fetish for women with permanent tattoos.

Whitstable overheard Cuomo introducing the man who would be the next head of the agency overlooking New York State’s entire Hospital, Health Care and Medical Clinic System to the editors of the New York Times.

Whitstable heard the man speaking with a British accent.

So he looked up.

Whitstable gasped.

The man was the spitting image of the secret Black Museum photo of the real Jack The Ripper that Scotland Yard kept in its archives.

A photo that Whitstable as an Interpol detective had seen.

A man who was apparently an Immortal with the ability to shapeshift into a Kraken.

“Gentlemen, may I present Mr. Jack Locktopus,” Cuomo introduced the new head of the Health Care, Hospital and Medical Clinic Agency to the NYT editors.

The editors smiled at Cuomo’s choice.

A fact for which the New York governor took his Baphomet crucifix (personally blessed by the Jesuit priest Father James Martin) out of his pocket and made an upside down Sign of the Cross.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 27th
2019.


The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec getting ready to assassinate a Russian diplomat.

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Reblog of A Three Headed Dog Like Cerberus and The Hound of The Baskervilles Reincarnated

December 22, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote this past June that ties in with some recent vampire novel chapters I have written.

Dracul Van Helsing

A Three Headed Dog Like Cerberus and The Hound of The Baskervilles Reincarnated

Renfield R. Renfield MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds had just received a phone call from his parliamentary Executive Assistant In Charge of Constituency Affairs Mirabella Francesca Franconia the former Spanish flamenco 💃🏻 dancer.

Senorita Franconia suggested that Renfield come to Tewkesbury in person to help out one of his constituents a middle aged widow by the name of Mrs. Margaret Lewis.

Mrs. Lewis owned two dogs – a Welsh corgi and a Dachshund- who had recently both become demonically possessed.

The corgi named Friendly and the Dachshund named Bashful had recently taken to playing around with a Ouija board and as a result of this nefarious new habit, they had both ended up becoming demonically possessed.

Bashful went from being a Dachshund to becoming a giant spectral wolfhound who was able to bark in a medieval…

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A Three Headed Dog Like Cerberus and The Hound of The Baskervilles Reincarnated

June 13, 2018 at 11:47 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

A Three Headed Dog Like Cerberus and The Hound of The Baskervilles Reincarnated

Renfield R. Renfield MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds had just received a phone call from his parliamentary Executive Assistant In Charge of Constituency Affairs Mirabella Francesca Franconia the former Spanish flamenco 💃🏻 dancer.

Senorita Franconia suggested that Renfield come to Tewkesbury in person to help out one of his constituents a middle aged widow by the name of Mrs. Margaret Lewis.

Mrs. Lewis owned two dogs – a Welsh corgi and a Dachshund- who had recently both become demonically possessed.

The corgi named Friendly and the Dachshund named Bashful had recently taken to playing around with a Ouija board and as a result of this nefarious new habit, they had both ended up becoming demonically possessed.

Bashful went from being a Dachshund to becoming a giant spectral wolfhound who was able to bark in a medieval form of Norwegian to the veterinarian that it was a reincarnation of the Hound of the Baskervilles who had given Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson much trouble.

Friendly the Welsh corgi went from being a corgi to possessing the body of a gigantic Saint Bernard who happened to have 3 heads- one was the head of a Rottweiler who growled in ancient Babylonian, one was the head of a Bassett hound who whimpered in ancient Egyptian and the third was the head of a chihuahua who yelped in a very peculiar form of Parisienne French and ancient Aztec.

A veterinary psychiatrist who was brought in to determine whether the dogs were demonically possessed or just mentally ill opted for the former explanation after all four of his limbs were bitten off by the Rottweiler head.

That and the fact that both the corgi and the Dachshund had not previously known how to read or speak long dead languages.

Mrs. Lewis had gotten in touch with her parish priest the Church of England vicar Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the rector of Saint Swithin’s By The Floodwaters Parish Church.

Father Aidan was going to perform an exorcism on the dogs and Senorita Franconia thought it might be a good idea if Renfield as Mrs. Lewis’ local MP helped in the exorcism.

Renfield agreed and said he’d drive right down to Tewkesbury from London to participate in the exorcism.

Renfield met up with Mirabella Francesca Franconia on the streets of Tewkesbury:

Mirabella then escorted Renfield to the Saint Swithin’s vicarage where Father Aidan dressed in a protective suit of medieval knight’s armour stood waiting for them holding the two demonically possessed dogs on a gigantic iron leash.

Father Aidan took Mirabella and Renfield to a place on the other side of town as he thought the exorcism should best be performed outdoors due to the wild unpredictable nature of the two beasts.

The trio expressed disappointment when this sign greeted them at the place where Father Aidan intended to perform the exorcism:

“Well,” sighed Renfield, “it looks like we’ll have to take our demonically possessed dogs elsewhere.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 13th
2018.

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Haiku About Cerberus The Watch Dog of Hades

November 3, 2014 at 8:02 pm (Horror, Poetry, The Supernatural) (, , , , )

Haiku About Cerberus The Watch Dog of Hades

Guard dog Cerberus
Hell’s Unholy Trinity
due to his three heads

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Renfield’s Lottery Ticket

September 13, 2013 at 9:29 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Lottery Ticket

 

 

 

The Greek vampire Zeus had a problem on his hands.

 

 

Ever since Cerberus had abandoned his guard post on the River Styx, hundreds of thousands of ghosts had fled the Underworld of Hades and were now causing havoc on the Earth above.

 

 

Zeus had even received a nasty email from the President of the World Atheist Association threatening legal action and complaining that many of his members were undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having to re-evaluate their belief in the non-existence of the afterlife.

 

 

The trouble had been caused millennia ago by a boast that his brother Hades had made to his brother Poseidon.

 

 

The pair had been discussing mortal lotteries and Hades had boasted that there was one series of numbers  that no mortal would ever pick.

 

 

Poseidon had disagreed.

 

 

And Hades said if any mortal picked them, then quote, “May my loyal faithful  Cerberus abandon his post on the River Styx and the souls of the departed depart the Underworld.”

 

 

No mortal had picked them until the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had done so.

 

 

The numbers entered his mind shortly after he had gunned down a pompous arrogant American millionaire as the latter was entering a Rolls-Royce limousine outside a London restaurant.

 

The only way the decree of Hades could be reversed was if the said mortal would reverse the numerals of each two digit number he used in his lottery pick and play those numbers.

 

 

 

However the said Renfield kept winning £300 a week by playing those numbers and was unlikely to stop playing those numbers while he was on a roll (like so much golden butter).

 

 

 

 

And so the Greek vampire Zeus spent the past while pulling his hair and beard out while he tried to think up a solution.

 

 

Not relishing a future as a bald and beardless vampiric immortal (fearing this might put an end to his ability to attract mortal women and end his Bill Clintonesque and Jack Kennedyesque style dalliances with them),  he turned to his daughter the Greek vampiress Athena for advice as she always seemed to be full of wisdom.

 

 

 

 

Athena suggested that Zeus send Aphrodite to work her charms on Renfield for as Athena pointed out quoting Vincent Price,  “For no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller.”

 

 

The Thriller was the nickname given to Aphrodite among the gods of Olympus.

 

 

 

The “evil of the Thriller” was the euphemism given to Aphrodite’s sensual charms among the goddesses of Olympus.

 

 

 

 

 

  * * *

 

 

 

 

And it came to pass that Aphrodite went unto Renfield R. Renfield to convince him to reverse the digits of some of his numerals on his winning lottery ticket that he had been using the past month.

 

 

And what transpired when the sensual vampiress Aphrodite came unto Renfield as the Boney M. lyrics Nightflight To Venus played in the background?

 

 

 

Well to sum it up in one sentence as Great Caesar’s ghost put it when he saw it,  “She came, he saw, he came, she conquered.”

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Friday September 13th 2013

 

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Haiku About Cerberus

September 7, 2013 at 4:01 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , )

At The River Styx

Guard dog Cerberus’ 3 heads

Hades’ high dog food bill

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Napoleon’s 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great

August 15, 2013 at 6:19 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Napoleon’s 244th  Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great

As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, “Well if people really want, I’ll gladly become King of Syria again.”

At the moment he spoke those words,  a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

                 .            .             .

At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.

For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.

                  .            .            .

The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley’s hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP’s displeasure.

Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.

Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.

He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .

He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top)  bent over to light them all.

Napoleon’s ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.

But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.

A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.

                      .          .           .

Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.

Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.

To be continued.

– A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Thursday August 15th
 2013.

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