Not Necessarily The Real News (But Could Be) Episode 001

April 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm (Commentary, Humour, Satire) (, , , , )

In the news today, Donald Trump’s personal wig and hair piece maker Figaro Figaretti who also serves as a spokesman for the controversial billionaire/reality TV show host announced that Charlie Sheen has agreed to test a psychic ability enhancing drug that will psychically transport Mr. Sheen back in time to August 4th 1961 and then psychically bilocate Mr. Sheen to two different places- Kenya and Hawaii- to see where exactly President Barack Obama was born.
The Tea Party anxiously awaits the results of Mr. Sheen’s thought experiment.

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Renfield Interviews Martin Sheen and Interrogates Prisoners At Guantanamo Bay

March 23, 2011 at 6:39 pm (Humour, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

CNN News Announcer: Due to the unsuccessful use of anesthetic at his dentist, Piers Morgan will not be hosting his show Piers Morgan Tonight tonight…

… instead an apparently famous individual from Britain whom I’ve never heard of before by the name of Renfield R. Renfield will be filling in as host tonight …

… Mr. Renfield would like me to say that if Charles Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall Lady Camilla are watching this program that Mr. Renfield would like a personal invitation to attend Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s wedding at Westminster Abbey next month…

… Mr. Renfield’s guest tonight on Piers Morgan Tonight without Piers Morgan is veteran actor Martin Sheen star of numerous TV shows and movies including The West Wing…

… and now here’s Mr. Renfield R. Renfield with Martin Sheen…

“So tell me, Martin,” Renfield grinned as he spoke, “how does it feel having a total nutcase for a son?”.

* * *

Later that evening Renfield R. Renfield arrived as a guest interrogator down at Guantanamo Bay.

Renfield had a well-deserved reputation as an interrogator in the intelligence community.

He had been asked on several occasions by both Scotland Yard and the CIA to get uncooperative prisoners to talk.

He had a 100% success rate.

Renfield arrived at Guantanamo Bay this evening sporting two huge black eyes as a TV interview he had had with Mr. Martin Sheen earlier in the evening hadn’t gone so well.

“The prisoners are tied up in their respective chairs and waiting for you,” said the CIA operative.

“Great,” Renfield smiled.

He put up a film screen and then inserted a DVD into the projector.

“And now gentlemen,” Renfield grinned, “may I present Miss Rebecca Black’s video Friday…”

The prisoners squirmed in their seats as Miss Black went through her respective and numerous Yeah-yeahs at the start of the song.

By the time Miss Black regaled them with her astounding lyrics “Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”, the prisoners started tossing their cookies they had eaten as a snack an hour before.

By the time Miss Black reached the lines “Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?”, the prisoners fell off their chairs.

Through the numerous repetitions of the lines “Partyin’ partyin’ (Yeah)” and “Fun, fun, fun, fun”, the prisoners were positively writhing in agony on the floor.

By the time Miss Black hit those brilliant lines of 21st Century literary prose “Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, Today i-is Friday, Friday (partyin’)” and “Tomorrow is Saturday, And Sunday comes after… wards, I don’t want this weekend to end”, the prisoners were screaming in unison that they wanted the video stopped.

Then when Miss Black reached the lines “It’s Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday”, the prisoners demanded they be allowed to tell the CIA operative everything he wanted to know.

* * *

“Another job well done,” the CIA operative said as he handed the freelance interrogator Renfield a cheque for $500,000 U.S.

* * *

As Renfield flew back home to London, he tuned in to Coast To Coast AM with George Noory on the plane radio.

“Tonight on Coast To Coast, another tale of alien abduction,” George Noory’s voice intoned, “yes, on tonight’s program… an ET alien makes the astounding claim that he was abducted… by Charlie Sheen…”

* * *

To be continued.

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Radio Broadcast From The Future

February 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

“Hello Colin,” Renfield spoke on the phone, “this is Renfield R. Renfield. I don’t know if you remember me or not but I was the one who swiped your tuna fish sandwich on the set of The King’s Speech that same day I also made fun of your stutter because I thought it was real… anyhow congratulations on winning the Best Actor Award for your portrayal of King George VI… but… anyhow the real reason I’m calling is I was wondering if you got an invitation to attend Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding. Because if you did I’m willing to exchange an autographed photo of Helena Bonham Carter that says “Dear Rennie…” in exchange for the Royal Wedding invitation… hello? hello?”.

“Someone else hang up on you again?” Amadeus looked up from his copy of a Superman comic book.

“Hm, yes,” Renfield nodded, “anyhow back to the experiment.”

Both Renfield and Amadeus were in the Set Laboratories’ Lab where Renfield was conducting an experiment with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster- a lobster who had been genetically engineered by Set Laboratories’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to have enhanced psychic abilities. Indeed Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had, along with Germany’s Paul the Psychic Octopus, correctly predicted Spain’s win in the World Cup Final in South Africa last year.

“What sort of experiment are you doing with Michelangelo?” Amadeus asked as he bit into an apple.

“Well I was reading in this American newspaper,” Renfield held up a copy of The National Enquirer, “that some quantum physicist I had never heard of before at some university I had never heard of before was making the claim that some psychics have the ability to pick up radio broadcasts and TV show signals from the future…”

“So you’re looking to pick up a radio broadcast or a TV show signal from the future?” Amadeus asked as he reached into a box marked Chocolate Covered Nuts whereupon he visualized Renfield covered in chocolate.

“Yes,” Renfield grinned, “many people are afraid that the world may end on December 21st, 2012 just because the Mayans ended their calendar on December 21st, 2012. So I’ve asked Michelangelo here to concentrate his mind on today’s date February 28th two years hence- February 28th 2013- which would be a couple of months after December 21st, 2012. And if his mind is able to receive a radio broadcast or a TV show signal from that date- we will know the world won’t have ended.”

Amadeus reached into his pocket, pulled out a harmonica and started playing the theme music from the old TV show The Twilight Zone.

“Quiet, Amadeus,” said Renfield who had wires hooked up to Michelangelo’s head and the wires were attached to a computer, “there’s something coming through now. Michelangelo has picked up something.”

Renfield turned up the sound.

A voice spoke through the computer… “Here’s the news for February 28th, 2013…”

Renfield asked, “Did you get the date there, Amadeus?”.

Amadeus helped himself to a box of figs and replied, “Not really.”

“and in other news… ” the radio announcer from the future spoke, “Hollywood insiders and the outside world are still trying to recover from this morning’s shocking announcement about the impending wedding in the Bahamas between Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan…”

“Good God,” Renfield’s face turned ashen white, “it is the end of the world…”

To be continued.

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