Wilkie The Cat: Master Spy: A Poem

August 11, 2016 at 12:56 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Poetry) (, , , , , , , )

Wilkie The Cat was hired by the CIA
because the admissions director was having an off day
His first mission was to go to Berlin
and steal a captured Mid-Eastern jinn
held in a vodka bottle in the Russian Embassy
The jinn when taken would be
subject to DARPA scrutiny
replacing Men That Stare At Goats fantasy

Mitzi meanwhile was hired by Putin
because Kremlin cats thought her a cutin’
She would guard the jinn in the bottle
and give would-be robbers a throttle

Wilkie came crashing through the Embassy window
and wondered if his feat was captured on video
Mitzi said, “Wilkie, it’s you.”
Wilkie admitted, “That’s very true.”
That both were now spies tickled them pink
and they decided to have a drink

Wilkie took off a paw one of his sock-a
and decided to open up the vodka
And in doing so, the jinn did escape
and flew around Berlin driving Merkel ape

So both DARPA and the Russians lost out on the jinn
and for the fiasco, Trump blamed Hillary’s email sin.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday August 1st 2016.

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Peter Whitstable On Cinqo de Mayo

May 5, 2014 at 7:17 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Peter Whitstable On Cinco de Mayo

Peter Whitstable the man known as the Fox Mulder of Interpol stood in the streets of Mexico City.

He was observing Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

He was also here to protect the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec from assassination.

Qonzilqointec’s rival the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was going all out to eliminate her rival.

And she thought she’d do it on this anniversary of the Battle of Puebla where the Mexican Army under the leadership of General Ignacio Saragoza Seguin had defeated the French forces of Emperor Napoleon III back in 1862.

Isis had been a staunch ally and supporter of Napoleon III (as she had been of his uncle Napoleon I) and had hoped to be able to rule the world through him.

But the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec’s support of Benito Juarez against Napoleon III’s Hapsburg puppet the Emperor Maximilian of Mexico had upset Napoleon III’s and Isis’ plan for the Americas.

And later an upstart Prussian Chancellor named Otto von Bismarck upset Napoleon III’s and Isis’ plan for Europe.

Now Isis was going all out to destroy Qonzilqointec because the Aztec vampire princess was an ally of left-wing governments in Latin America such as Cuba and Nicaragua.

And of course Cuba and Nicaragua were allies of Russian President Vladimir Putin whom Isis had vowed to destroy after a Russian nuclear submarine had used a laser death ray to vapourize her husband/brother/lover Osiris’ spaceship when he attempted to return to Earth on December 21st 2012 thus dashing her hopes as well as the hopes of adherents of Hopi and Aztec and Mayan prophecies and numerous fans of the Ancient Aliens and Nostradumus TV programs on The History Channel.

Isis in her grief had conveniently forgotten that the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec’s spiritual godfather the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl had likewise had his returning spaceship vapourized into non-existence by the same laser death ray by the same Russian nuclear submarine on the same date.

Peter Whitstable looked around for signs of the assassin.

He noticed CIA Agent Bob
Belfor wearing dark sunglasses and a t-shirt that said Support The CIA. Buy Latin American Grown Cannabis.

Whitstable had heard that elements of the CIA were in alliance with the ancient Egyptian Vampiress Isis.

He happened to notice Belfor carrying a hawthorn stake- the kind used to kill vampires and vampiresses.

Whitstable put the Amazon jungle blow dart to his lips.

The dart contained not deadly poison but a tranquilizer with the same effects as a knockout pill dropped in a glass of alcohol.

As Belfor approached the dancing red dress wearing Aztec vampire princess who was dancing with a piñata that looked like Kermit The Frog, Whitstable blew the dart.

Belfor fell to the ground.

The dancing crowd just walked all over him.

Whitstable retreated to a nearby cantina to order himself a well- deserved tequila.

Qonzilqointec lived to dance another day (or night in the case of vampiresses).

And Belfor would wake up with a huge headache.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 5th
2014.

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The Controller of The Golem

March 11, 2014 at 7:15 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Controller of The Golem

The most shadowy and yet possibly the most powerful figure in the Israeli Mossad Organization was a man known only as the Controller of the Golem.

His name and true identity was top secret.

CIA agent Bob Belfor had been sent by his superiors in Washington D.C. to talk to the Controller of the Golem about a shipment of weapons that the Israeli Navy seized in the Red Sea off Sudan last week.

A Panamanian flagged vessel the Klos-C had been boarded by the Israeli Navy who claimed to have found on board dozens of Syrian made M-302 rockets that were being shipped by the Islamic Republic of Iran to Hamas militants in the Gaza Strip.

The rockets that were found were said to have a range of 150 to 200 kilometers.

Apparently America’s Neville Chamberlainesque President Barack Obama was having a hard time believing that Iran could possibly do anything wrong.

So Belfor had been sent by Washington to see for himself the shipment.

The Belfor report would then be given to President Obama to digest (no doubt leading to massive indigestion on his part).

After Belfor had been shown the shipment, he then went to talk to the Controller of the Golem.

They had a discussion about the Iranian leadership.

“Of course,” the Controller of the Golem went on, “we found out how tolerant and peace-loving the theocratic thug rulers of Iran really were when on February 14th 1989 the Supreme Leader of Iran the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini issued a fatwa or death sentence on Indian born British subject and writer Salman Rushdie for his book The Satanic Verses.”

“I’ve never really read the book,” said Belfor, “because as a CIA agent, I don’t have time to read. I’m too busy playing on-line games like World of Warcraft on the off-chance some terrorist cells are conversing with one another via the game. You’ll never guess what level I reached in the game last week…”

The Controller of the Golem was starting to think that the old 1960s Mel Brooks television series Get Smart was the most accurate screen depiction ever made about the American “intelligence” community.

. . .

Sonia Sedgewick was one of MI-6’s top agents.

She had been sent by 10 Downing Street in London to Israel to see for herself the shipment of Syrian made rockets that the Israelis claimed had been sent by Iran intended for Hamas in the Gaza Strip.

The Controller of The Golem enjoyed talking to this intelligent and very beautiful woman who was smartly dressed in a gray skirt and white blouse.

She had heard of Salman Rushdie although she too had never read his book The Satanic Verses.

“I must confess in terms of books for personal reading I’ve never really read anything past 1900,” she laughed, “I’m strictly a Will Shakespeare and Jane Austen girl.”

The Controller of the Golem could have kissed her but he felt it might have been construed as unprofessional conduct.

“These satanic verses that Rushdie wrote about for which he was condemned to die by the Ayatollah Khomeini,” Sonia asked him, “weren’t these purported to be actual verses in the Quran that the Prophet Mohammed claimed the Devil caused him to put in the first written copy of the Quran and he later took these verses out in later copies of the Quran?”.

“That’s right,” the Controller of the Golem answered.

“What did these verses actually say?” Sonia asked, “what exactly were the satanic verses?”.

“That Allah had three daughters,” the Controller of the Golem replied.

“That Allah had three daughters?” Sonia Sedgewick was incredulous, “but don’t Muslims condemn Christians for suggesting that God had a son?”.

“That’s right,” the Controller of the Golem nodded.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 11th
2014.

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Pan Goatee and The Hara Kiri Lesson

November 12, 2013 at 8:34 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and the Hara Kiri Lesson

 

 

 

Pan Goatee and CIA Agent Bob Belfor were ordered by their superiors in Washington to see if they could psychologically coerce one of their Pakistani Taliban prisoners to commit suicide.

 

 

Hara Kiri was the method Bob Belfor suggested after he had spent a night masturbating over Japanese made samurai films.

 

 

Belfor had a thing for men dressed in Japanese armour.

 

 

Pan Goatee in checking the backgrounds of the Taliban  prisoners  noticed that one of the men was a Canadian citizen born and raised in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan.

 

 

He left Saskatchewan at the age of 21 to join the Taliban after he had noticed an employment opportunity ad placed by them in the Regina Leader Post newspaper.

 

 

Pan Goatee placed the man in a cell which had both a large projection screen and also a mat on which was placed a Hara Kiri knife.

 

 

Pan Goatee closed the door and then ordered the projectionist to start running a series of videos that Pan had ordered.

 

 

The videos showed the last few minutes of every football game that the Saskatchewan Roughriders CFL Football Team had lost in their entire history.

 

Pan Goatee deduced that even though the man was Muslim because he was born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan, he would probably have the same fanatical devotion and love for the Saskatchewan Roughriders Football Team (equal in intensity and zeal to that of any fanatical Islamist zealot) as any other person born and raised in the province of Saskatchewan.

 

 

Saskatchewan’s devotion and worship of their CFL Football team was so fanatically intense that every other Canadian in other provinces referred to Saskatchewan by the nickname Rider Nation.

 

 

At first Bob Belfor doubted Pan Goatee’s reasoning.

 

 

But they soon heard wild penetrating screams coming from the man’s cell.

 

 

“Good God!” Belfor exclaimed, “The man must surely be disemboweling himself.”

 

 

 

They ran into the room only to see the man not disemboweling himself but screaming over the fact that Saskatchewan had lost the CFL Western Conference Championship to the Calgary Stampeders in the last few seconds of the game due to the fact Saskatchewan was penalized in a last minute penalty for stupidly having too many men on the field.

 

 

They closed the door.

 

 

They listened.

 

 

There was a strange rattling sound.

 

 

What was that rattling?

 

 

They opened the door.

 

 

It was the sound of the man’s death rattle.

 

He had finally picked up the Hara Kiri knife and disemboweled himself.

 

 

“He was a lot quieter over his disemboweling than he was over the fact that the Roughriders had lost that game,” Belfor stated.

 

 

“Just goes to show I’m right,” Pan Goatee grinned,  “you can take the terrorist out of Saskatchewan but you can’t take Saskatchewan out of the terrorist.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

 written by Christopher

 Tuesday November 12th

  2013

 

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Pan Goatee’s Music Video

November 11, 2013 at 9:06 am (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Music Video

 

 

Pan Goatee decided to make a music video of his next round of torture and killings of Pakistani Taliban prisoners.

 

In this, he was assisted by CIA Agent Bob Belfor.

 

In the video, Pan Goatee was formally dressed in a suit and tux and bow tie and carrying a top hat and a cane.

 

As well as a large knife.

 

Pan Goatee (singing):   If you’re blue (pulls up a Taliban prisoner’s head he’s been holding under water) and you don’t know where to go to

 

why don’t you go to where fashion sits 

(sits the prisoner down on a chair of razor sharp spikes)

Puttin’ on the Ritz

(cuts off the prisoner’s finger and puts it on a Ritz cracker along with a slice of cheese and eats it)

 

Different types who wear a day coat pants 

with stripes and cutaway

coat perfect fits

 

(cuts off another Taliban prisoner’s arms and legs so he can fit into the boy sized day coat pants with stripes and cutaway coat that Bob Belfor is trying to fit him into)

 

 

Puttin’ on the Ritz

(cuts off another Taliban prisoner’s finger and puts it on a Ritz cracker with a slice of cheese and eats it)

 

Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper

(puts another Taliban prisoner into a large suitcase of U.S. money that totalled one million dollars and poured gasoline all over the money and the prisoner and set fire to it- since this was taxpayers’ money that the CIA had to burn)

 

 

Tryin’ hard to look like Gary Cooper (super dooper!)

 

(performs plastic surgery on another Taliban prisoner with his knife and without the use of anesthetic trying to see if he can get him to look like Gary Cooper but when he fails, he cuts off the man’s head and kicks it away in disgust)

 

 

Come let’s mix where Rockefellers

(glues a death mask of the late former U.S. Vice-President Nelson Rockefeller to another Taliban prisoner’s face)

walk with sticks

(cuts off the man’s legs and then glues sticks to his upper body)

or um-ber-ellas 

in their mitts

(cuts off the man’s hands and glues umbrellas to the arms of where they used to be and then tries to fit mitts on them)

 

Puttin’ on the Ritz 

(cuts off the finger of yet another Taliban prisoner and then puts it on a Ritz cracker with a slice of cheese and eats it)

 

 

Have you seen the well-to-do

on Park Avenue

On that famous thoroughfare

with their noses in the air…

 

(cuts off a whole bunch of Taliban prisoners’ noses and then juggles them in the air)

 

Camera closes in on Bob Belfor giving Pan Goatee a standing ovation for his new interpretation of the Fred Astaire-Taco song.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

 written by Christopher

 Monday November 11th 

 2013.

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Pan Goatee’s Torture Test

November 7, 2013 at 8:49 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Torture Test

 

 

 

Serial killer and hired U. S. government assassin Pan Goatee was asked by high-ranking officials at the NSA to astral project to Pakistan to interrogate a Taliban official  Shaheen Fazlullah  who had been captured by CIA officials in Pakistan.

 

Pan Goatee’s past experience had actually been quick decapitations and quick bodily dismemberments.

 

He had never really done a slow torturous death before.

 

 

But he was given a book to read called How To Apply A Slow Torturous Death written by one Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

 

 

 

In addition he also watched a video where Rob Ford the Mayor of the City of Toronto, Ontario, Canada threatened to kill someone before poking out his eyes and ripping out their throat first.

 

 

 

With these delightful lessons behind him, Pan Goatee astral projected to Pakistan.

 

 

 

 

                       .          .            .

 

 

 

 

 

Pan Goatee was greeted by the CIA agent in charge of the operation Bob Belfor.

 

 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Belfor,”  Pan Goatee shook his hand, “what did you do for the Agency before capturing Taliban scumbags?”.

 

 

“I worked in property restoration,”  Bob Belfor answered, “if a home or business suffered a flood or fire or some other form of disaster or calamity, me and the boys went in and fixed everything up.  Quite literally fixed everything up.  We put in listening devices in that particular home or business.”

 

 

 

“Sounds great,” Pan Goatee smiled.

 

 

“Here ‘s the prisoner,”  Bob Belfor introduced him to the man in chains.

 

 

“So you’re Shaheen Fazlullah,”  Pan Goatee smiled,  “anyone ever tell you that’s kind of a stupid sounding name?”.

 

 

 

“Drop dead, pig,” Shaheen tried to spit in Pan’s face but the satyr assassin ducked.

 

 

 

“You know speaking of pigs,”  Pan Goatee smiled,  “I’ve got some boiling hot pig fat to rub all over your body.”

 

 

As Bob Belfor took a spoon and rubbed boiling hot pig fat all over Shaheen’s body , Pan Goatee asked, “Didn’t your Prophet, curses and damnation be upon him, forbid contact with pork?”.

 

 

 

Pan Goatee took a steaming hot slice of pork and wrapped it around the man’s genitals.  He followed this by wrapping pita bread around the slice of pork and the man’s genitals and then taking a knife and cutting it off.

 

 

He then ate it- slice of pork, separated genitals, pita bread and all.

 

 

“What a delicious donair,”  Pan Goatee belched.

 

 

 

 Bob Belfor laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Thursday November 7th

   2013

 

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Magog’s New Mission Impossible

November 4, 2013 at 8:24 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in his House of Commons office drinking from a bottle of brandy.

 

 

The phone rang.

 

 

It was German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

 

“Madame Chancellor,” Magog was shocked, “I hope you’re not calling from your mobile phone.”

 

 

“No, Herr Magog,” the Chancellor replied, “I’m calling from a secure line.”

 

“That’s good,” Magog wiped his brow.

 

“Have you checked your mail today?” Mrs. Merkel asked.

 

“Not yet,” Magog replied.

 

“Check and see if you’ve got something from a company called Odin Insurance in Munich,” the Chancellor directed.

 

Magog sifted through his mail.

 

“I do in fact,” Magog stated.

 

“Open it,” the Chancellor directed.

 

Inside was a handwritten note to U.S. President Barack Obama from the German Chancellor.

 

Magog read it and gulped.

 

“I take it being the curious snoop you are, you’ve read the message,” the Chancellor laughed.

 

Looking out the window of his office, Magog could see a curious cat touch a live electrical wire and then fall to the ground dead from electrocution.

 

“Well… um… ” Magog stammered.

 

“It’s all right, Magog,” the Chancellor laughed, “now I want you to go to Washington D. C.  and deliver that message in person to President Obama.”

 

“But why me?” Magog protested, “Why not one of your diplomats or a member of the Bundestag?”.

 

 

“Because they’re all under surveillance by the CIA,” the Chancellor explained, “but no one would bother to pay much attention to a drunken backbench Opposition politician who’s failed abysmally on 3 different peace missions to the Middle East.”

 

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chancellor,” Magog took a sip from his bottle of brandy.

 

 

“You’re welcome, Magog,” the Chancellor replied, “will you do it?”.

 

 

“Call me crazy,” Magog noted the werewolf hairs starting to emerge on his human skin, “but I’ll do it.”

 

 

“That’s great,” the Chancellor sounded pleased, “now if you excuse me, I see I’ve got a call from Sarah Palin coming in on my mobile.”

 

 

“Sarah Palin?” Magog asked the

now empty receiver.

 

 

 

 

                        .           .           .

 

 

 

 

The NSA official doing the surveillance spilled tea and canned Alaskan salmon all over himself when he noticed the name coming up on the mobile.

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Monday November 4th

  2013

 

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The General And The CIA Special Archives

September 3, 2011 at 7:41 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The General was touring CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

He was the director designate of the CIA.

He had served in both Iraq and Afghanistan and was a decorated soldier.

He had been called to Headquarters in Langley to receive a special briefing on a theft that had occurred at the CIA Special Archives.

“Special Archives?” the General asked his briefer.

“These are items that are so sensitive to national security that they’re not even put on computer for fear of attack by hackers,” the briefer explained, “so they’re kept as paper documents in a special secure fire proof safe on this floor.”

“And someone recently broke in and stole one of the documents?” the General asked.

“That is correct, sir,” said the briefer, “although one might use the term some thing. It was a hamster that walked into the safe when one of our agents was going through the Special Archives and helped himself to the file- that is the hamster helped himself to the file.”

“Hamster?” the General was flabbergasted, “you mean like one of those furry-?…”

“Exactly sir,” the briefer nodded, “one of those cute cuddly furry little things that are so popular with children. That ride their hamster wheels around and around in cages.”

“And you’ve got photos and videos of the hamster stealing the file?” the General asked.

“Indeed we do, sir,” the briefer said, “otherwise we wouldn’t have suspected a hamster. Hamsters are rather small in size as you no doubt know sir so that’s why no one saw it. But after the theft was detected, we re-checked the security cameras on this floor and through close-ups spotted the hamster.”

“And I suppose you lost track of the hamster?” the General sighed.

“We lost track of the hamster, yes, sir,” the briefer answered, “but not our rodent sniffing cat special agent whom we call Bourne Feline.”

“The CIA has a rodent sniffing cat special agent called Bourne Feline?” the General shook his head.

“Yes, sir, the cost of his cat food which comes under CIA special appropriations was a subject of intense heated debate earlier this summer between Republican and Democrat over whether it should be subject to cuts if the U.S. debt ceiling was to be raised,” the briefer explained, “it was almost a deal killer for the debt deal that is until President Obama asked his daughter Malia to step in and speak to a closed session of Congress and tell members of both parties what an extremely cute kitty cat it was.”

“A little child shall lead them,” the General quoted Scripture.

“I beg your pardon, sir,” his briefer blinked.

“Continue,” the General waved his hand.

“So Bourne Feline using his rodent sniffing skills tracked the scent of the hamster down to a motel room in the town of Mineral, Virginia which coincidentally was also the epicenter of last month’s major East Coast earthquake,” the briefer noted.

“And when our agents got there, did they find a hamster?” the General asked.

“No, sir, the hamster appears to have dropped off the face of the Earth,” the briefer answered, “when our agents got there, a British subject by the name of Renfield R. Renfield was busy banging the town’s very beautiful local lady of the evening.”

“And what are Mr. Renfield’s last known whereabouts?” the General inquired.

“Mr. Renfield was last seen floating down a flooded highway in Vermont,” the briefer briefed.

“Best to concentrate our efforts on recapturing the scent of the hamster,” the General ordered.

“Very good, sir,” the briefer saluted.

“Oh, one more thing,” the General turned around, “what was in the file that was stolen?”.

“The file relates how when Apollo 11 landed on the moon in July, 1969, they found a casket containing a vampire on the lunar surface,” the briefer related.

“Really?” now it was the General’s turn to blink.

“Yes, sir,” the briefer nodded, “when Commander Neil Armstrong asked what was to be done about the coffin, one of NASA’s senior higher-ups ordered Armstrong to put the casket and the respective vampire aboard the lunar module and bring it back to Earth.”

“A NASA top official ordered that a casket containing a vampire be brought back to Earth?” the General was incredulous.

“Yes, sir,” the briefer acknowledged, “in retrospect the decision wouldn’t exactly be considered rocket science.”

To be continued.

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