Renfield Dines Thrice In Paris

June 5, 2014 at 7:18 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Dines Thrice In Paris

Renfield met with the Egyptian Vampiress Isis in her Parisienne apartment where he gave her Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s 3-D printed copy of the ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Although of course Isis thought it was the original first edition ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Isis and Renfield enjoyed a lunch of watercress and French mermaid sandwiches together.

Then they had an afternoon of tantric sex.

Then Renfield left.

Renfield decided to shapeshift into a hamster and crash French President Francois Hollande’s dinner party for U.S. President Barack Obama at the Chiberta Restaurant by the Arc de Triomphe.

French President Hollande was being forced to eat two meals in one evening.

First dinner with President Obama at the Chiberta.

And then what was being called a “late supper” with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Élysée Palace.

The French President had ordered that a box load of laxatives be available at his bed side just before bedtime this evening.

And also a lovely blonde French maid looking nurse holding an enema in case even that didn’t work.

“I’m not going to be ordering any cheese this evening,” the French President told a shocked head waiter at the Chiberta Restaurant.

“Oh please, won’t you order some cheese for me?” Renfield begged from under the table.

“Mon Dieu, a talking mouse!” Hollande exclaimed as he looked under the table.

Hollande was the sort of politician who wouldn’t know his mouse from a hamster on the ground.

So he ordered a plate of cheese (much to the relief of the head waiter) and gave it to Renfield under the table.

Later Renfield enjoyed a plate of chocolate eclairs for dessert while hiding under the table at the Élysée Palace banquet room as Hollande dined with President Putin.

“Knowledge is power,” Renfield laughed after an evening of eavesdropping.

“And overeating is agony,” Renfield remarked as he pleaded for relief as he sat much later on his Bonaparte style French Imperial throne in the bathroom of his Paris hotel room.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 5th
2014.

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Isis Receives Offer From The NSA

March 25, 2014 at 5:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Isis Receives Offer From The NSA

Deep in a crypt below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris was a room known as the Interfaith Dialogue Room With Ancient Egyptian Religions that had been created in the heyday of the excitement of Vatican II.

Today the room was a highly advanced particle physics laboratory dedicated to re-assembling the particles and sub-atomic particles and nano-particles of the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris who had disintegrated into such tiny particles when he had been blown to bits by a laser death ray fired at him by a Russian nuclear submarine when he attempted to return to Earth landing at Vancouver’s English Bay on December 21st 2012.

Isis vowed vengeance on Vladimir Putin.

Now Isis received a communication from the NSA who likewise were anxious to stop Putin after he annexed Crimea.

The NSA offered to send over DARPA’s best scientists to help in the task of sub-atomically putting Osiris back together again.

Isis emailed back that she’d gladly accept their help.

. . .

U. S. President Barack Obama looked at the personally autographed photo of the U.S. ‘s new ally the Egyptian Vampiress Isis.

“She looks a lot like the singer Rihanna,” the President mused.

The description was accurate.

Isis could easily have been mistaken for Rihanna’s identical twin sister or even doppelgänger.

Isis had also misplaced many a diamond in the sky during her nocturnal vampiric flights around Paris no doubt inspiring the lyrics of one of Rihanna’s songs.

. . .

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec who could have easily been mistaken for the doppelgänger or identical twin sister of actress Salma Hayek was currently flying over Venezuela.

She looked down and happened to see Russian nuclear warheads being attached to Russian SS-27 missiles.

She flew down to the ground gently landing on her spiked stilettos, lifted her skirt and pulled an iPhone out of her garter belt to call and inform Arizona Sen. John McCain of what she saw.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 25th
2014.

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Renfield Leaves Paris

February 26, 2014 at 7:02 pm (Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Leaves Paris

Renfield R. Renfield had a whirlwind past few days.

Last Saturday, Renfield had received a Presidential pardon from French President Francois Hollande for a crime he had committed.

The crime was cutting off a man’s ear.

The man it turned out was the most unpopular judge on the Parisienne Idol talent show.

Every singer that was first on his list was always last on every other judge’s list.

And every singer in last place on his list was always first on every other judge’s list.

So when Renfield was released from jail last Saturday, he received loud cheers and a hero’s welcome from crowds waiting outside the jail.

He was given free accommodation at the Westin Paris Vendome Hotel.

On Sunday, he was presented with keys to the City by the Mayor of Paris.

On Monday, members of the French National Assembly passed a motion that Renfield be awarded the French Legion of Honour Medal.

On Monday evening, the judge wearing a bandage on one side of his head gave results on the show that this time were about half-way in line with the thinking of the audience and the other judges.

On Tuesday evening, Renfield enjoyed an All Expenses Paid evening at the Paris Opera House.

When he returned to his hotel, a beautiful young woman from Normandy whom he had met once before (under less auspicious circumstances) was standing there dressed in Parisienne lingerie and black silk nylon stockings and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and carrying a Geiger counter.

She offered to sleep with him.

Renfield took her up on her offer.

Today Wednesday February 26th as he boarded the plane to return home to London, he received a military band send-off and a 21 gun salute from the French Army.

Renfield waved and blew kisses to the crowd before boarding the plane.

. . .

As Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the butler and valet to billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set watched this whole spectacle unfold on BBC World News on television, Athelstan remarked to Amadeus, “It would appear sir that Mr. Renfield is the type of individual who could fall down an outhouse and come up smelling like a rose.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 26th
2014.

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Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield

February 21, 2014 at 8:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in the study of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

The phone rang.

Amadeus picked it up.

It was Renfield calling from a jail in Paris as a French version of the old Elvis Presley song Jailhouse Rock played in the background.

“Amadeus,” said Renfield, “you know how to operate my iMac desktop don’t you?”.

“Yes,” Amadeus went over to Renfield’s desk in the study.

“Turn it on and go over to Photos in my desktop screen, ” Renfield said, “and type in search the keyword PoodleKraut.”

Amadeus did as Renfield requested.

“Okay open up all those photos that are under that heading,” Renfield directed.

Amadeus did so.

He then gasped.

“Okay,” Renfield’s smile seemed to come through his phone voice, “you should now be looking at a bunch of highly compromising and very embarrassing photos of French President Francois Hollande in various unusual positions with German Chancellor Angela Merkel amidst much French champagne and German Wiener Schnitzel on a bed in a mirror ceilinged bedroom.”

“I see them,” Amadeus said as his long-lasting childhood innocence was rapidly coming to a close by gazing at these photos.

“Okay, now I want you to email those photos to French President Francois Hollande’s personal email address,” Renfield gave him the address, “with the written instructions that unless he President Hollande grants an immediate Presidential pardon to one Renfield R. Renfield of the United Kingdom and has him released from jail immediately, those photos will be emailed to every newspaper in France within the next 24 hours. Got all that?”.

“Yes,” said Amadeus.

“Then do it,” Renfield ordered.

Amadeus said he would. He then put down the phone and went to the washroom where he lost his lunch (a direct result of viewing those photos) before proceeding with Renfield’s instructions.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 21st
2014.

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