Haiku About TCM Host Robert Osborne R.I.P.

March 9, 2017 at 7:30 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Movies, News, Obituaries, Poetry, Television) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About TCM Host Robert Osborne R.I.P.

More than just a host
He was a friend showing you
a world of great films

Robert Osborne

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Haiku About TCM’s Robert Osborne

December 1, 2016 at 4:55 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry, Television) (, , , , , , , )

Haiku About TCM’s Robert Osborne

Film historian
his intros are riveting
he’s Robert Osborne

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Haiku About Sir Laurence Olivier

November 30, 2016 at 5:33 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About Sir Laurence Olivier

Knight of stage and film
a giant among actors
The greatest Hamlet

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Haiku About Rita Hayworth

November 26, 2016 at 6:02 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Rita Hayworth

Put the blame on Mame
Gilda? Lady From Shanghai?
Cinematic queen

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Haiku About Vincent Price

November 16, 2016 at 5:35 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Vincent Price

From Shakespeare to Poe
Film noir to bloodcurdling horror
Thriller of a life

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Haiku About Orson Welles

November 10, 2016 at 6:30 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Orson Welles

From War of The Worlds
Foster Kane to The Third Man
His Shadow looms large

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Haiku About Humphrey Bogart

November 7, 2016 at 5:22 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Humphrey Bogart

Villain or hero
Bogie’s always got your eye
Here’s lookin’ at you

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Haiku About Mae West

November 5, 2016 at 3:50 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Film, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About Mae West

Gun in your pocket?
Or you just glad to see her?
Come see her sometime

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Haiku About W. C. Fields

November 4, 2016 at 4:12 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Film, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About W.C. Fields

He likes kids hard boiled
he prefers booze to water
he’s frankly W.C.

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Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

October 28, 2016 at 3:58 pm (Film, Horror, Literature, Movies, Mystery/horror, Short stories, Short Story, Television, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

It was an old movie from the 1930s on television. Johnson had heard of the film The Pit and The Pendulum based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe.

But he wasn’t familiar with the 1930s version. He had only heard of a movie version from the 1960s with Vincent Price.

But this 1930s version was totally new to him and here he was a big classic horror movies fan. The Pit and The Pendulum from 1936 with Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff.

Try as he might, he could not recall Karloff and Lugosi ever making such a film. Lugosi had made The Black Cat with Karloff. He had made The Raven. He had made Murders In The Rue Morgue. All based on works by Poe.

But Johnson had never heard of Lugosi doing a movie version of Poe’s The Pit and The Pendulum. Much less one made with Boris Karloff.

But when he flipped through the channels on his new High Definition Home Theatre sized TV, there it was listed on TCM – The Pit and The Pendulum (1936) with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

Five minutes ahead of the program starting, Johnson had googled the film The Pit and The Pendulum (1936) with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

But he found no information about it which was strange.

He put on the TV tuned to TCM. TCM host Robert Osborne began the introduction to the film with his trademark classic line, “Hi, I’m Robert Osborne.”

“Yeah? Tell me something I don’t know, Robert,” Johnson remarked sarcastically.

“All right,” Osborne answered him from the screen, “You’re an obnoxious self-centered arrogant egotistical prick.”

“What?” Johnson was astounded.

“Tonight’s film is a relatively unknown one. In fact, most people don’t even know it was made,” Osborne explained.

“You can say that again,” Johnson scratched his stomach and belched.

“I’d rather not, you uncouth slob,” Osborne smiled at the camera.

“What?” Johnson was again astounded.

“That’s because this film was made privately for a San Francisco based Chinese millionaire called Sun Wong,” Osborne elaborated, “who wanted his own private film with Lugosi and Karloff that the rest of the world wouldn’t be able to see.”

“Wong huh?” Johnson scratched his head.

“That’s right, Wong,” Osborne chuckled, “please excuse the pun.”

“Pun?” Johnson scratched his head again.

“Try not to think about it too hard, you pea-brained bozo,” Osborne again smiled at the camera, “We don’t want you putting too much strain on your little head now, will we?”.

“What the fuck?” Johnson gazed at the screen.

“No more for you,” Osborne saluted the camera, “from 1936, The Pit and The Pendulum with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.”

The movie was extremely scary, Johnson found. Usually most horror films from the 1930s he laughed at finding them somewhat corny by today’s standards.

But this one had Johnson gripping the edge of his chair.

When Lugosi had Karloff chained to the flat rock in the pit of his dungeon and the pendulum started swinging down on the latter, Lugosi laughed an evil sinister laugh.

“Wow, this is great,” Johnson thought as he reached for some more popcorn.

“May I call you Johnson?” Lugosi asked Karloff.

“Johnson?” Johnson stopped eating his popcorn.

“You are a dirty filthy little rat who cheated on me with my best friend,” Lugosi continued.

“Is this a gay Lugosi/Karloff film?” Johnson wondered to himself.

“No,” Bela Lugosi metamorphosed into the noted 1930s Asian-American actress Anna May Wong.

As the film changed from black and white into colour, Miss Wong wore a golden dragon emblazoned Asiatic style red dress slit up the sides showing lovely and shapely pantyhose clad legs that were accentuated by red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

“My God,” Johnson suddenly noted the resemblance, “she looks like…”

“That’s right, you cheating bastard,” Miss Wong exclaimed.

Suddenly Johnson found his hands handcuffed to the chair, ropes came out of the back of the chair and tied him up. The chair went backwards and Johnson found himself looking up at the ceiling where a rather large pendulum started swinging down towards him.

Miss Wong stepped out from the TV screen.

Johnson had indeed noted for the very first time the resemblance between the 1930s actress Anna May Wong and his ex-girlfriend Charlotte April Wong.

“Don’t piss off a Dragon Sister,” Miss Wong screamed as a dragon breathed fire from the top of the ceiling above the pendulum.

As the pendulum came down within a quarter inch of his throat and neck, Johnson thought this probably answered his buddy Tom’s question, “Why would your ex buy you a 72 inch screen high definition TV when you cheated on her in such a cruel fashion?”.

Johnson would never get the chance to answer Tom’s question as the pendulum cut off his head.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Saturday October 1st
2016.

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