New TV Car Commercial For 2017

February 11, 2017 at 12:22 pm (Commentary, News, Satire, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

(Image of a red car being driven along a moonlit highway)

Announcer: You’re not one to spend day and night constantly working at the office…

(Camera pans in on the smiling face of the driver of the red car)

Announcer: You’re one of these people who are truly the master of their own destiny…

(Driver smiles as he switches gears)

Announcer: You’re not one to be tied down to convention or strictly following the rules…

(Driver of the red car passes a slower moving car in front of him)

Announcer: In fact, you’re one of these people who always wonders why in reality there are always loads of other motor vehicles on the road as opposed to what you see on TV commercials where yours is the only vehicle on the road and possibly one or two others….

(Driver of the red car can be seen scratching his head)

Announcer: Well now you’re about to find out why…

(The red car is suddenly hit by an asteroid crashing into the highway)

Announcer: The new 2017 Nibiru Asteroid… giving you the driving experience of a lifetime…

(End of commercial as the red car can be seen burning up in a deep hole in the road as the car radio plays the R.E.M. song “It’s the end of the world as we know it…”)

-A TV Commercial
written by Christopher
Friday February 10th
2017

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Renfield TV Ad

March 23, 2015 at 7:02 pm (Humour, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield TV Ad

This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.

Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.

Announcer: And driving to work in the driver’s seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver’s seat of the courtroom.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef’s claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.

Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef’s ineptitude.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, “Live long and prosper.” (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)

His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.

(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)

Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.

Because sometimes it’s just safer to drive across the street…

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The Sports Car Convertible On The Day Before Christmas

December 24, 2013 at 4:38 pm (Commentary, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Sports Car Convertible On The Day Before Christmas

Vancouver- a city where a lot of people drive sports cars convertibles
You see them with their hoods down
beautiful, shining and gleaming
The drivers- alone or with a passenger
always seem to have the same expression on their faces,
“Look at me, look at what I’m driving, I’m King of the world”.
People who want everyone to notice them
People who are full of themselves

On this the Day before Christmas
I sit in a restaurant eating lunch
Looking out the window
I see a nice-looking open air convertible
for it’s a warm December 24th in Vancouver
It’s stopped at a traffic light
No one is walking around at this intersection
No one is passing by
So the driver must have the feeling that no one is around
No one is watching him
no one is observing him
He has no one to impress
So the look on his face
at this moment in time-
is an honest look
and this observer is surprised to see
a look of extreme loneliness.

So I guess in spite of what all the TV Commercials have been telling us for years
Driving a fancy sports car convertible
is not the key to happiness.

-A poem written by Christopher
The afternoon of Tuesday
December 24th
2013

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The Coppertop Were-Zomb-ire

October 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm (TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

As Renfield sat looking depressed over the dead body of his most recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire, the redheaded cyborg Sophia entered the Set Enterprises lab wearing a tight fitting red mini dress, red silk nylons and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

She was followed by Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. as well as a TV camera crew.

“What are you doing here?” Renfield asked the sexy and sultry cyborg.

“I’m here to shoot a TV commercial about your dead creation the Were-Zomb-ire,” Sophia answered, “my recording manager Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell figures it will help my music career.”

“Oh great,” Renfield threw up his hands, “first someone posted a blog entry about my creation the Were-Zomb-ire’s death at Xanga a site no one cares about (except for C.S. Lewis wannabes with a fetish for boobs and non-butterfly little read unpopular Malaysian bloggers who don’t have a fetish for boobs) and now you’re going to broadcast my failure to the entire world.”

“That’s right,” Sophia adjusted her nylons and then smiled for the camera.

“Hit it,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell gave her the thumbs up.

“I’m sitting here with colossal failure Renfield R, Renfield,” Sophia smiled engagingly, “whose recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire a creature part werewolf, part zombie and part vampire was killed shortly after it was created. Mr. Renfield, what are your plans for the future?”.

“Well, I’ve been offered the position of Secretary of State in a second Obama Administration for after the next U.S. election….” Renfield tried to smile.

“Let’s try fitting your Were-Zomb-ire with a Duracell battery shall we?” Sophia cuts open the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach with a butcher knife and then inserts a Duracell battery and then stitches together the incision with thread and then delivers an electrical charge to the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach.

The Were-Zomb-ire then rises to life again.

“Duracell the Coppertop Battery,” Sophia smiles at the camera, “the battery recommended and used by most professional mad scientists.”

The Were-Zomb-ire then tears the door off the Set Enterprises lab and sets off to terrorize the City of London.

Amadeus Emanon enters through the now non-existent door of the Set Enterprises lab licking a maple walnut chocolate ice cream cone and remarking, “Hey Renfield, I noticed your Were-Zomb-ire came back to life and just stepped on the Energizer Bunny. It’s no longer going and going…”

To be continued.

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