Men In Black The Day After

May 15, 2014 at 6:36 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Men In Black The Day After

The head of the Men In Black for the State of Arizona was busy chewing out two of his men for last night’s fiasco in the desert outside Mesa, Arizona.

One man he chewed out for allowing an ET gray to escape amidst a crowd of drunken pot- smoking concert goers in their late teens and early 20s.

The man protested that he couldn’t tell the difference.

The other man in black was chewed out for wearing a bright yellow plaid jacket to last night’s fiasco instead of the traditional Men In Black black jacket.

“But I spilled white donut powder over my black jacket after eating 24 boxes of dozen white sprinkled jelly donuts,” the heavyset man protested, “and I didn’t have time to clean it when the call came in about the UFO crash on the mesa outside Mesa. The only jacket I had available that was clean was my tight fitting yellow plaid jacket.”

“And it was your glow-in-the dark yellow plaid jacket that alerted the ET gray to our coming,” his superior foamed as he fumed, “besides which you must keep a clean black jacket on hand at all times not a clean plaid jacket. After all, we’re called the Men In Black not the Men In Plaid.”

. . .

Amadeus Emanon was watching the old 1980s Steve Martin comedy Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid when the phone rang.

Renfield R. Renfield answered it.

He then turned as white as the hamster whiskers he had on those occasions when he shapeshifted into a hamster.

He put the phone down.

He went to the refrigerator to drink a bottle of cranberry juice and a bottle of grape juice to add some colour back to his cheeks.

He returned looking more his natural self.

“What was that phone call about?” a concerned Amadeus asked as he ate a chocolate covered glazed donut that spilled all over his yellow shirt.

“It was the Boss’ Archenemy the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” Renfield replied, “she wants to hire me to steal an ET gray’s laser death ray gun for her.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 15th

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Renfield And His Rendition of The William Tell Overture

March 4, 2013 at 10:46 pm (Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The following is the chapter in my vampire novel which I wrote today Monday March 4th 2013.


I decided to post it here because the chapter is pretty well self-contained and one doesn’t have to know what’s happened previously in the novel to (hopefully!) enjoy this chapter in and of itself.



Renfield And His Rendition of The William Tell Overture

A vampire novel chapter written by Christopher

Monday March 4th 2013.




Renfield R. Renfield had been ordered by his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set to fly back to London, England.



Renfield decided to make a pit stop in Chicago, Illinois before flying home as he heard the Chicago Symphony Orchestra was going to do a performance of Rossini’s William Tell Overture.


Renfield had always wanted to conduct the William Tell Overture plus he had an idea on how to make the performance even more spectacular.


According to the original story of William Tell, the Swiss gentleman who was a master crossbow archer had been ordered by enemy soldiers to shoot an apple placed on top of his son’s head splitting the apple in two and do so without managing to harm his son.


William Tell was successful in his feat.


Renfield’s idea was to place apples on the heads of the musicians in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra and during the most exciting part of the Overture, the musicians would stand and a group of crossbow archers that Renfield had hired would shoot arrows through the apples on the heads of the musicians splitting the apples in two without harming the musicians.



                          *       *     *


It was performance night and maestro Renfield stepped up to the podium with his baton and started conducting the Chicago Symphony Orchestra in its performance of the William Tell Overture.



At the most critical moment of the Overture, Renfield waved for the apple on head-wearing musicians to stand…




                                            *       *    *




The next morning a Chicago radio station reported in its news broadcast, “And in the news today, the call has gone out for musicians to appear for auditions to replace the 95% of the members of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra whose positions suddenly became vacant last night as a result of last evening’s disastrous rendition of Rossini’s William Tell Overture.


“And in other news, Renfied R. Renfield has admitted that the archers he hired for last evening’s performance could probably stand to use a lot more archery lessons…”



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