Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane Meet The Brides of Dracula

March 13, 2021 at 10:53 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Gothic romance, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been binge watching episodes of the old TV series Frasier.

He then binge watched a Dracula movie marathon.

When that was over, he set his water proof alarm clock moving the time an hour ahead as tomorrow would be the start of Daylight Savings Time.

He then lay back on his water proof pillow and fell asleep.

He had a dream whereby Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane met the Brides of Dracula.

Niles: This is all your fault, Frasier. I don’t really relish the idea of walking around a spooky Transylvanian castle. It doesn’t really cut the mustard in my opinion. Hot doggetty!

Frasier: Niles, I wish you’d stop using those weird euphemisms uttered by that pot smoking hot dog salesman doing those late night infomercials advertising American cuisine recipes you can do in hot tubs. And why is it my fault? You were the one who insisted on giving two rather large glasses of sherry to my BMW’s GPS before we set out on this road trip.

Niles: Yes, well if you had stopped to ask for directions from that transgendered transvestite in the baked potato costume in Boisie, Idaho, we might not be in this mess.

Frasier: No, we might be in a bigger mess.

Niles: What could possibly be a bigger mess than a spooky Transylvanian castle?

Frasier: How about social distancing from a perfect 10 fashion model during a pandemic?

Niles: Frasier, I refuse to believe you dated a perfect 10 fashion model.

Frasier: So does everybody else.

Niles (pointing to a door): Where do you suppose this leads?

Frasier: Oh, I don’t know, Niles. Why don’t you open it and see how many other headwaiters with Hungarian accents lying in coffins we can come across? I haven’t donated so much blood since that multiple radio station personality blood donor challenge in Seattle way back in the day.

Niles (opening door and looking in): It’s the Brides of Dracula.

Frasier (looking in): My God, you’re right, Niles.

Niles: Frasier, I haven’t had so many erotic images and fantasies going through my mind since I first read that scene with the brides of Dracula in Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula as a sophomore back in prep school.

Frasier: That wouldn’t have been the night before the headmaster ordered that major steamcleaning of your mattress?

Niles: Frasier, I wish you hadn’t brought that up.

Frasier: Your mattress probably wished the same thing at the time as well.

Brides of Dracula (calling out): Niles, Frasier!

Niles (rushing in): I regret that I have but one life to give for my fantasy.

Frasier: Niles, quit being such a ham!

(Frasier rushes in)

Frasier: Be a blood sausage like me.

Voice of Count Dracula (singing in the background): I don’t know what to do with that tossed salad and scrambled eggs. They’re calling again.

Voice of Announcer: Good night, Transylvania.

The End.

-A Frasier Meets Brides of Dracula Episode
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 13th
2021.

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Gina Esmeralda

February 27, 2021 at 11:30 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The gypsy Gina Esmeralda opened the door

“Count Dracula,” she smiled, “I bid you welcome.”

It was February of the year 1871.

The location was a small inn in Britanny, France.

“You’ve heard of me?” The Transylvanian nobleman and former Wallachian prince was surprised.

“My people live all over Europe,” Gina Esmeralda smiled, “so yes, I’ve heard of you.”

“Then you’re aware that I am a…”

“Vampire?” Gina Esmeralda finished the Count’s sentence for him, “Yes, I’m aware. I hope you won’t be a pain in the neck to me or any of my guests.”

“I’ve fed on a few sheep in the region,” the vampire explained, “so yes, my thirst has been quenched.”

“Poor sheep,” Gina Esmeralda reflected aloud, “so if you are the the perfect gentleman with my guests and me, I won’t have to summon the priest to sprinkle you with Holy Water.”

“No, you won’t,” Dracula remarked, “Who are your other guests?”.

“I am Loki the Norse trickster god,” said Loki who was eating a huge piece of roast beef.

“And I am Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun,” said Yaldabaoth who likewise was eating a large piece of roast beef.

“Both your guests seem to be immortals,” Dracula turned towards Gina Esmeralda, “so they have nothing to worry about from me.”

“Although,” Yaldabaoth spoke up, “According to the Irish High King Brian Boru’s Medieval Treatise On Leprechaun Ailments, there are a small variety of foods that could kill me but fortunately roast beef is not one of them.”

“And what are you doing here in Britanny?” Dracula turned towards Loki.

“I’ve been giving advice to Prussian Chancellor Otto von Bismarck on how to defeat France in this Franco-Prussian War so that France will lose its continental power and the German states can band together and form one nation,” Loki explained, “under the rule of the King of Prussia as Emperor of Germany of course.”

“Well you’ve already finished off Napoleon III and the Second Empire this past September,” Dracula noted, “And its successor the recently proclaimed Third Republic has pretty well thrown in the towel as far as war with Prussia is concerned.”

“Indeed it has,” Loki grinned as he drank his beer, “So Germany unveiled a constitution and united last month with Prussia’s king as Emperor.”

“Why do you seek a united Germany?” Dracula inquired.

“The German peoples used to worship me and my fellow gods of the Norse pantheon and I hope if they become politically and militarily powerful, they might do so again.”

Gina Esmeralda let out a small cry as the vision of a rotating and spinning black sun in a white circle against a blood red background entered her mind.

“You all right, Gina?” A concerned Yaldabaoth asked.

Loki laughed.

“Yes, I am,” Gina Esmeralda answered.

The beautiful gypsy walked over to the bar.

“Would you care for some wine, Count?” The gypsy asked.

“I wouldn’t mind,” Dracula smiled.

“Strange,” Gina Esmeralda steadied herself on the bar, “I just had a vision of a man with an accent similar to yours, Count. He was dressed like a Paris head waiter but wearing a cape as well and saying to someone, “I don’t drink… wine.” While standing in an old castle.”

“Not a very good countryman of mine if he doesn’t drink wine,” Dracula gratefully took the glass.

“Someday, you’ll be famous, Count,” Gina Esmeralda seemed to gaze into the future, “Books will be written about you and moving pictures made.”

“Moving pictures?” Yaldabaoth looked baffled.

“Photographs that move,” Gina Esmeralda explained.

“That sounds eerie,” Yaldabaoth gazed at a photograph of a Breton werewolf on the dining room wall, “a photograph that moves.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 27th
2021.

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Sherrielock Holmes Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

February 2, 2018 at 9:38 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

Sherrielock Holmes got off the elevator and entered the Champagne Bar on the 3rd floor of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

She was wearing diamond 💎 earrings, a pearl necklace and a cobalt blue evening dress.

“Sherrielock,” a melodious feminine voice called to her from a table close to a window with an excellent view of the City of Lights on this Friday night.

The voice belonged to the Egyptian vampiress Isis who wore gold earrings, a jade necklace and a crimson red evening dress.

After eating plates of escargots and drinking glasses of champagne 🥂, Isis then got down to business with Sherrielock.

“Miss Holmes, I’ll get to the point,” she finished the last of her glass of champagne 🍾, “you are the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises having replaced Renfield R. Renfield who was elected to Parliament last year and who now claims to be receiving visitations from the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill- a statement I heard him make when he was being interviewed on George Noory’s Coast To Coast AM radio show last night. Well, I want you to stop working for my evil brother and brother-in-law Set and come work for me.”

. . .

The Mossad agent who was code named The Controller of The Golem would soon be leaving his native Israel 🇮🇱.

He would be parachuting into the Afrin region of northern Syria to help the Kurds fight invading Turkish forces.

Ever since Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan gave a speech to his supporters in Turkey last year in which he said the city of Jerusalem would be part of a revived Ottoman Empire, the Israeli government was anxious to see that the Turks would not move militarily beyond their borders.

Now that the Kurds had defeated the Islamic State, Turkey was moving into parts of northern Syria to defeat the Kurds.

Israel had decided to give covert support to the Kurds against Erdogan’s Turkish forces.

The Controller had been informed that Britain would be sending him an ally to help the Kurds fight the Turks.

The name of the ally would not be transmitted to the Controller by any electronic means (phone or Internet).

Instead the name would come to the Controller written on a piece of paper in a box.

The Controller’s instructions were to open the box, read the name on the piece of paper and then burn the paper by candle and then take the ashes and mix them with tobacco and smoke them in a pipe.

The Controller looked at the box in front of him.

Written in huge medieval lettering on the box were the words PANDORA’S BOX FOR THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE.

The top of the box was decorated with a lovely painted mural of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian and the Byzantine Empress Theodora seated on their Imperial thrones in Constantinople.

The Controller of The Golem opened the box.

Inside was a folded piece of paper.

The Controller unfolded the paper and read the name written on it.

DRACULA.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 2nd
2018.

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The Awesome Blogger Award

January 23, 2018 at 10:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Awesome Blogger Award

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was making out with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in a luxurious hotel room in Bucharest, Romania.

Downstairs in the lobby, Dr. Cadbury Rocher was giving Vlad III Tepes the Impaler Dracula a history lesson on what’s been happening in the world throughout the entire 20th Century and the 1st 17 years of the 21st.

By all accounts, Dracul Van Helsing and Qonzilqointec were having the more enjoyable time.

“I hear you’ve been nominated for the Awesome Blogger Award, Dracul,” Qonzilqointec gasped in ecstasy as she climaxed yet again.

“That’s right, I have been nominated for the Awesome Blogger Award,” Dracul answered as he moved in for the Kama Sutra Lifetime Achievement Award.

“I would have to agree, you are an awesome blogger!” Qonzilqointec admitted as she orgasmed for the 69th time in this lovemaking session.

“Thank you,” Dracul thought that his childhood hero Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise would be so proud of him right now.

“Who nominated you?” The sexy Aztec vampiress asked.

“A fellow blogger Ortensia72 who lives in Dublin, Ireland 🇮🇪,” Dracul replied.

“Isn’t Dublin the home of Guinness Draught?” Qonzilqointec queried as she underwent a volcanic eruption 🌋.

“It is,” Dracul re-enacted Robin Hood hitting the bull’s eye at a Nottingham archery tournament, “Drinking a Guinness draught and reading a Van Helsing blog post seem to go well together.”

“Well, I currently like where a Van Helsing is posting now,” the Aztec vampire princess gasped, “so all I need is a Guinness draught.”

“We can order some from room service,” Dracul suggested.

“What question were you asked in getting nominated for the award?” Qonzilqointec purred like a kitten.

“Savoury or sweets?” Dracul remembered the question.

“And what was your answer?” She came as Dracul entered new terrain.

“Savoury of course,” Dracul replied, “I’ve always liked my sex extremely spicy 🌶.”

“And who do you nominate?” She pressed her lips against him.

“Every blog I read has an awesome blogger behind it,” said Dracul, “so I nominate them all.”

“And what question will you ask them?” Qonzilqointec waved a leopard skin tanga above her head.

“Where was the most unusual place you made love?” Dracul framed the question in Perry Mason like courtroom fashion.

“And where do you think was the most unusual place we made love?” Qonzilqointec started to hum that old song Thanks For The Memories.

“Probably when we made love in the clock tower of Big Ben at the Westminster Parliament just before they closed the tower down for several years as it undergoes construction 🔨,” Dracul recalled.

Meanwhile in the lobby, Dracula had fallen asleep 😴 when Dr. Cadbury Rocher started reading aloud from the U. S. Congressional Record debating the federal budget for the U.S. Government fiscal year 1952-53.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 23rd
2018.

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Dracul Van Helsing In Transylvania

January 22, 2018 at 10:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Dracul Van Helsing In Transylvania

The great Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was in Transylvania.

He was visiting the decaying ruins of Castle Dracula in the Carpathian Mountains near the Borgo Pass.

Accompanying him was Set Enterprises’ chief resident scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

The two were seeking the remains of the Wallachian voivode (or prince) Vlad III also known as Vlad Tepes also known as Vlad the Impaler but better known to Britain and the Western world as Vlad Dracula (the son of Vlad Dracul or Vlad the Dragon 🐉 who was Wallachian prince Vlad II).

Both Dracul and Dr. Rocher were in Transylvania on the advice of British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was being advised by the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill (Churchill’s ghost appeared to Renfield by leaving a painted portrait of himself in Renfield’s office whenever Renfield drank from the last bottle of brandy that Churchill ever owned).

According to Renfield and dear old Winnie’s ghost, the only way that Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan could be stopped from creating a revived Ottoman Empire thereby threatening world peace would be if Vlad the Impaler (who made a successful career out of impaling his Turkish enemies) was brought back from the dead.

Sadly for the world in the second decade of the 21st Century, Dracul Van Helsing’s great great grandfather Dr. Abraham Van Helsing had driven a stake through Dracula’s heart in the last decade of the 19th Century.

Ironically Dracul Van Helsing’s Romanian mother Nadja Draculescu was a direct descendant of Vlad Dracula.

Which made Dracul a direct descendant of Vlad Dracula as well.

So on his father’s side, he was a Van Helsing.

On his mother’s side, he was a Dracula.

When they found Dracula’s coffin in the dungeon of Castle Dracula, Dracul Van Helsing and Dr. Cadbury Rocher opened it.

Inside they found the dust that had been Dracula.

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,” Dracul quoted from the burial service in the Anglican Book of Common Prayer.

“Son of man, can these bones live?” Dr. Cadbury Rocher quoted Ezekiel Chapter 37 verse 3.

Dr. Rocher then zapped the dust and bones with his Tesla laser particle beam flashlight helmet wearing pink rabbit Energizer Bunny.

The atomic particles and sub-atomic particles of Dracula’s body re-assembled itself.

The Energizer Bunny kept going, saying in a TV commercial announcer style voice, “It keeps going and going…”

And going and going it did.

It kept going out the door of the Castle and kept going right over a cliff.

It wasn’t in any shape to keep going once it had made its landing however.

Meanwhile Dracula now had his head and heart attached.

Dracula had risen from the dead.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 22nd
2018.

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Haiku About Bela Lugosi As Count Dracula

October 3, 2016 at 3:35 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Horror, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About Bela Lugosi As Count Dracula

He bids you velcome
And look he doesn’t drink wine
he prefers your blood

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