Will Dracula Be The Next Pope?

July 27, 2021 at 10:12 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Samhain Cardinal Salaman was sitting in his office at the Vatican.

Although Francis required all Vatican employees and visitors to be be vaccinated with the Covid non-vaccine (none of the so-called vaccines for Covid were technically vaccines but rather genetic serums but most of the public was too dumb and gullible to know that. Since Big Pharma, Big Government, Big Business and the mainstream media called it a vaccine, it was obviously a vaccine to them), since most of those working at the Vatican were paying more attention to their gay sex hook-up Grindr apps on their phone rather than who was vaccinated, nobody bothered to note that Samhain Cardinal Salaman had never been vaccinated.

Salaman was informed that he had a visitor.

Sergius Materiy the Russian Orthodox Archbishop of Astana, Kazakhstan.

Salaman invited the Archbishop into his office.

“What can I do for you, your Eminence?” Salaman asked the Archbishop.

“I’m here to discuss something your Eminence,” The Archbishop answered, “Since you work in the Vatican, you are probably more aware than I am about the rumours swirling around that Francis is on the verge of kicking the bucket. Hence his reasoning and his rush to proclaim the motu proprio Traditionis custodes into law and restrict the celebration of the Tridentine Mass.”

“Yes, I’ve heard those rumours,” Cardinal Salaman nodded, “I’ve been told that the only one who hates the Latin Tridentine Mass more than Francis is Lucifer himself.”

“His recent operation wasn’t as successful as he and his doctors had hoped?” Archbishop Materiy asked.

“I’ve been told (unofficially of course) that his main trouble is his reaction to the Covid non-vaccine that he received earlier this year,” Salaman replied.

“Anyways, the reason I’m here is…” the Astana Archbishop paused, “Well you no doubt heard that a few years ago an expedition was sent to Castle Dracula in Transylvania in order to remove the wooden stake from Prince Vlad III Dracula’s heart and bring him back from the dead. The purpose being to have Vlad III Dracula fight the ISIS Islamic State in Syria and also to stop Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan from bringing back the Ottoman Empire with himself as Sultan.”

“Yes, I’ve heard that was the purpose in bringing Prince Vlad III Dracula back from the dead,” The Cardinal nodded.

“Anyways I’m going to give you this document,” Materiy handed him a piece of paper, “It describes a plan for a post-Francis world. A world where Dracula is the next Pope.”

“Dracula as the next Pope?” Salaman was astounded, “But Dracula currently isn’t even a Cardinal. How will he get to be Pope?”.

“Read on, MacDuff,” The Archbishop paraphrased Shakespeare as he pointed towards the document.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 27th
2021.

Countess Draculina daughter of Count Dracula ponders the question, “Will my father Count Dracula be the next Pope?”.

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Renfield Discusses Lukashenko and U.S. Democratic Party Convention

August 17, 2020 at 11:06 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a video conversation via Skype with his friend Amadeus Emanon who was currently in Australia.

Behind Renfield and a little to the left was a London police bobby who was struggling in an Egyptian mummy style plastic bondage suit (that Renfield had borrowed from world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes).

The bobby had made the mistake of asking Renfield why he wasn’t wearing a mandatory face mask (like the rest of the UK’s slave population) and was about to write him a ticket for it.

Now the bobby’s most pressing concern was how to get out of the Egyptian mummy style plastic bondage suit.

“I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t have hired the Countess Draculina to beat the Hell out of Belarusian President Aleksandr Lukashenko,” Renfield ate a tuna fish sandwich.

“Why’s that?” Amadeus ate his teriyaki fried rice.

“Well a friend of mine who’s a writer of romance novels commented on the blog of a friend of mine who’s a geopolitical analyst that maybe Lukashenko enjoyed being beaten up by Countess Draculina,” Renfield sipped his sage tea, “I never considered that possibility.”

“Your London bobby friend doesn’t seem to be enjoying that bondage suit he’s wrapped up in,” Amadeus pointed.

“No, he doesn’t,” Renfield briefly glanced over at the bobby before adding a little gin to his sage tea, “You know what the really interesting thing is that back in the 1990s and early 2000s, the Western news media used to refer to Aleksandr Lukashenko as Eastern Europe’s last Stalinist style leader and dictator. Then in the 2010s, they stopped doing that. And now as Lukashenko stands on the precipice of being overthrown by his own people, there’s no mention in the Western news media of how Lukashenko is Eastern Europe’s last Stalinist totalitarian leader.”

“I wonder why that is,” Amadeus started eating his lime sherbet dessert.

“I suspect it’s because the Western news media has become so infected by the virus of Cultural Marxism that they’ve come down with a bad case of Neo-Stalinist pneumonia themselves and are too stupid to realize it,” Renfield answered.

“Wow,” Amadeus opened up his fortune cookie.

“There’s a Belarusian state TV presenter Tatyana Borodkina who hosted the morning show Breakfast For 3 where she would prepare breakfast recipes helped out by her two daughters. But last week she announced her resignation from the program on Facebook because she could “no longer smile out from the TV screen” after this blatantly rigged election. She has since had to flee the country along with her children after receiving threats,” Renfield noted.

Belarusian TV presenter Tatyana Borodkina with her two daughters

“That’s very sad,” Amadeus put down his fortune cookie message that told him to beware of elderly Australian drag queens who wanted to be called Uncle as you sat on his knee.

“Apparently after posting her feelings on social media, an old acquaintance showed up at the popular STV presenter’s door and threatened her. He told Tatyana that Belarus was a wonderful country to live in and asked what she thought she was doing. He told Tatyana that he was warning her nicely but that other people would be coming to her house tomorrow. She then received anonymous threatening messages on her phone that night. So the next day, she packed up and fled to Kiev Ukraine with her children,” Renfield explained.

“That’s awful,” Amadeus put aside the 1000 Year Old Egg that the restaurant proprieter Mr. Inn Lu had brought him.

“It’s rather interesting that the way Lukashenko’s Stalinist state thugs are threatening opponents is being conducted in much the same manner as the anarcho-Marxist thugs and hooligans of Antifa and BLM are threatening and intimidating anyone they fancy disagrees with them. Prior to the death of George Floyd, most people thought that BLM stands for Black Lives Matter. Now after the death of George Floyd, the intelligent observer now notes that BLM really stands for Burn Loot Murder as they riot and vandalize and commit acts of arson and murder people in what the mainstream U.S. media unashamedly call “peaceful protests”. The combination of severely acute Cultural Marxist virus infection and subsequent Neo-Stalinist pneumonia on the part of the U.S. news media has produced a condition that most forensic coroners call “rigor mortis of the brain”. Sadly there is no known cure.”

“Awful,” Amadeus started to sip his chocolate milkshake.

“I want you to look at an ad Joe Biden is currently running at the U.S. Democratic Virtual Presidential Convention,” Renfield put the video on the screen.

The ad concludes with the words “In Joe Biden’s America, this is your new normal… forced testing, forced masking, forced unemployment, forced vaccinations.”

Amadeus was shocked, “This is the ad that Joe Biden’s team is putting out? As if all that was something positive and worth voting for?”.

“I was informed there was an ad that the Joe Biden Campaign Team had put out that Donald Trump could also use and show on TV for his own advantage,” Renfield explained, “I assume this is the ad unless there’s a worse one than this one out there. I think Biden’s campaign team has spent too much time down in Joe’s basement inhaling smoke from Uncle Joe’s pot smoking desert cactus plant.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 17th
2020.

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Countess Draculina Beats Up Alexander Lukashenko

August 16, 2020 at 10:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Belarussian President Alexander Lukashenko sat at his desk completely baffled.

People were actually protesting against his benevolent and beneficent rule with which he had been governing the country for the past 26 years.

Since 1994 he had been Belarus’ “Great and Beloved Leader” (his own humble description of himself).

Last Sunday he had been re-elected in a “landslide victory”.

His own handpicked Central Election Commission said he had won with 80.1% of the vote while his closest opponent Svetlana Tikhanovskaya had won a mere 10.12% of the vote.

Yet his opponent Miss Tikhanovskaya had the nerve to accuse him of cheating and rigging the results.

How dare she?

Why the ghost of the late Chicago Democratic Party Mayor Richard J. Daley had been released from Tartarus in the realm of Hades at Lukashenko’s request to oversee the distribution and counting of ballots.

Were they going to accuse a leading U.S. Democratic Party politician like Mayor Daley of vote fraud and rigging elections?

His opponent Svetlana Tikhanovskaya had fled to Lithuania this past Monday after having been detained for several hours for daring to dispute the election results.

Why to top it all off, he President Lukashenko had to pay his riot police overtime for tear gassing and cracking the heads of protestors for protesting and disputing the election results.

He had also had to pay his security forces overtime for arresting, detaining and torturing protestors (and other people who just happened to be on the street at that time).

This had been a bad week for him, Lukashenko thought as he emptied a bottle of vodka all by himself, in what should have been an otherwise celebratory occasion.

The Belarussian President turned on the television.

His satellite television dish picked up RTE which was Ireland’s national public television and radio broadcaster.

“Yesterday a cow was seen emerging from the sea at County Donegal’s Bunbeg Beach,” the RTE announcer noted as video of the incident was played in the background, “We sent our reporter Guinness O’ Murphy to investigate”.

Guinness O’ Murphy appeared with a glass of Guinness hanging from one ear and a glass of Murphy’s hanging from the other.

Said Guinness O’ Murphy, “I talked to Yaldabaoth the famous Irish leprechaun who explained the mystery of why the cow emerged from the sea.”

“Daisy was stoned out of her mind, she was,” Yaldabaoth noted as he calmly smoked his wee pipe, “She had stolen a marijuana smoking cactus plant from the estate of the U-2 singer Bono yesterday and spent three hours inhaling the smoke that the wee cactus exhaled. When she finished, she jumped into the sea. I followed her but ever since I froze my arse off swimming across the Bering Strait from Siberia to Alaska, my swimming skills are not what they used to be. She emerged from the sea startling a whole bunch of bystanders and onlookers here on Donegal’s Bunbeg Beach. So Donegal has now gone from the Fighting Prince of Donegal to the Swimming Cow of Donegal. Disney should really make a movie about this.”

“How weird can you get,” Lukashenko thought to himself as he turned off the TV and turned on his smart phone GPS app so he could find his way back to his bedroom.

Lukashenko’s GPS app led him to the Presidential Palace’s crypt instead of his bedroom and standing outside the crypt was the vampiress Countess Draculina who was the daughter of Count Dracula:

“Who are you and what are you doing?” Lukashenko demanded to know.

“I’m Countess Draculina and I’m here to beat you up,” Draculina answered.

She then beat the living daylights out of Lukashenko.

And as night fell over Lukashenko, she flew out into the night.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 16th
2020.

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Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus

February 24, 2020 at 11:09 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus

Justin entered the mirror.

And felt the wet sand under his feet.

What happened to his shoes and socks he wondered?

The Basilides gnostic god Abraxas had them on his two feet (which were heads of serpents) in another dimension.

Walking through two inter-dimensional portal mirrors on the same night can cause stuff to go missing.

Which was always the noted Australian entertainer Uncle Ernie’s explanation whenever his g-string style jock strap fell off while he was on the stage in his drag queen show and the audience could see what he had (or lack thereof!).

Justin looked at the vampiress who stood before him.

“A little bird tells me that you’re the Countess Draculina the daughter of Count Dracula,” Justin spoke with his usual meandering manner of speaking.

Countess Draculina leaned forward and shouted “Boo!”.

The little hummingbird on Justin’s shoulder flew away.

“I didn’t know there was a full moon tonight,” Justin looked at the full moon and the Scottish castle behind Countess Draculina.

“That is an illusion,” Draculina laughed, “caused by a great searchlight (invented by Nikola Tesla) casting its full moon signal into the air.”

“Will signs and wonders never cease?” Justin used a fine tooth comb to remove gray hairs from his hair.

“Those signs and wonders will soon increase and increase,” Draculina licked the blood off her lips just as an Australian wombat (who was actually Uncle Ernie shapeshifting from another dimension) crawled up and licked the blood off her breasts atop her low-cut gothic attire mini dress.

“And what is the purpose of all these signs and wonders?” Justin asked as he inhaled pot smoke that was being exhaled by a pot smoking Arctic walrus that had just crawled on to the shore from the sea.

The ghost of John Lennon appeared on one of the high towers of the distant Scottish castle and began singing a paraphrased version of one of his old hits, “Imagine all the people worshipping the Antichrist… someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Monday February 24th
2020.

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Inside Magical Mystery Tour

February 23, 2020 at 11:36 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, Gothic romance, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Inside Magical Mystery Tour 

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was inside his greenhouse.

He was staring at the late Victorian/early Edwardian era antique mirror that stood in the place where his pot smoking and cannabis exhaling desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever had once stood.

A mirror that reflected neither Justin’s image nor the area of the greenhouse around him.

For within its glass was the image of a closed rare and used book store at the intersection of a dark alley and desolate London street at night.

“Where’s my pot smoking cactus plant?” Justin asked, “I thought I was getting a pot smoking cactus plant called Magical Mystery Tour?”.

“Enter the mirror, stupid,” a voice from the bookshop inside the mirror spoke.

“Did you just tell me to enter the mirror?” Justin asked.

“Brilliant deduction,” the voice answered.

Justin walked into the mirror and found himself standing at the corner of desolate street and dark alley in London.

The only thing within his sight was the closed used book store.

Mist which smelled a lot like pot smoke filled the dark London street.

He decided to try to open the door of the closed book store that was called Tezcatlipoca’s Antiquarium and Rare Books.

Sure enough the door opened and a bell above the door rang indicating a customer was entering the shop.

The old shop owner who was a skeleton covered in cob webs looked up from the cob web and dust covered book he was reading called The Brothers Grimm Grimoire.

He got up to greet Justin and his skull fell off.

Whereupon the rest of his bones fell apart as well.

A volume called Old Yale University Alumni fell off one of the book shelves and landed on top of the skull and bones.

Justin walked to the back of the bookstore where he saw a pot of coffee brewing.

The pot of coffee was next to an antique mirror (much like the one in Justin’s greenhouse) except this mirror reflected the book shelves round about as well as Justin’s own image.

A bony finger emerged from inside the mirror and pointed at the coffee pot and an old ceramic cup bearing the image of what looked to be an old Aztec deity.

“Take and drink,” a voice inside the mirror commanded.

Justin poured himself a cup of coffee.

He added cream that he poured from a small statue of the Egyptian cow goddess Hathor.

He added sugar from packets of sugar marked Uncle Ernie’s Sugar Free Sugar that had the inscription at the back Aleister Crowley approved.

He used a skull insignia emblazoned spoon to stir the concoction.

He drank.

Justin then looked at the mirror and saw this image:

Countess Draculina in front of a castle on the West Coast of Scotland

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 23rd
2020.

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Renfield Discusses The Turkish Invasion of Syria

October 10, 2019 at 10:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield Discusses The Turkish Invasion of Syria

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was discussing the Turkish invasion of Syria with his friend Amadeus Emanon.

“Well several civilians have been killed and tens of thousands of people have been forced to flee their homes in northern Syria as a result of the megalomaniac Erdogan’s invasion,” Renfield remarked as he carved a turkey to make a turkey sandwich.

“And is the megalomaniac Trump going to do anything about it?” Amadeus asked as he carved a ham to make a ham sandwich.

“No, he’s too worried about impeachment,” Renfield added a sliced peach to his turkey sandwich, “a couple of Eastern European friends of his lawyer Rudy Giuliani were arrested today and charged with campaign finance fraud in making illegal contributions to Trump’s 2016 campaign.”

Some shit hit the fan in the kitchen at that moment.

“I should have known better than to leave the window open with all those geese blowing around in this windstorm,” Renfield closed the window.

“Where is most of the fighting in northern Syria taking place at the moment?” Amadeus asked.

“Around the border towns of Ras al-Ain and Tal Abyad,” Renfield answered.

“And what is the UN doing about it?” Amadeus inquired.

“What the UN always does in these situations,” Renfield acknowledged, “Nothing.”

Athelstan the butler entered the kitchen to make tea, “I understand the UN Security Council held an emergency meeting today to discuss the situation at the request of Britain, France, Germany, Belgium and Poland.”

“Which will just produce nothing but a lot of handwringing,” Renfield noted.

A bunch of severed hands from living dead zombies began ringing the doorbell.

Athelstan went to the door with a can of RAID House and Garden Zombie Killer and started spraying the hands where they dropped like flies.

“I see Erdogan says that he’ll send the 3.6 million refugees that Turkey hosts to Europe if Europe dares to call the Turkish offensive an occupation,” Amadeus added mustard to his ham sandwich.

“Yes, Erdogan seems to have a thing about certain words,” Renfield put cranberries on his turkey, “just like he doesn’t like it when you call what Turkey did to the Armenians in 1915 a genocide.”

“How’s Prince Vlad Dracula doing on the ground in northern Syria?” Amadeus inquired.

“He’s fighting alongside the Kurds,” Renfield bit into his turkey sandwich, “and his daughter the Countess Draculina has joined him along with my personal Army brigade of Gurkhas.”

Countess Draculina: Battling the invading Turkish forces of Recep Tayyip Erdogan

. . .

Pope Francis was at his desk in his Vatican apartment when the phone rang.

It was Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan calling.

“Hello, Frankie old boy,” the Turkish President tried to sound informal, “I hear you deny the incarnate deity of Jesus Christ. Being a Muslim, I too deny the incarnate deity of Jesus Christ. So since we have that in common, I was wondering if you’d like to take part in my coronation when I’m crowned Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire.”

“What was the date you planned for that?” Francis asked.

Erdogan answered.

“Let me check my calendar,” Francis opened his little red notebook with a photo of Chairman Mao on the cover, “Yes, that should be fine.”

A lemon meringue pie was thrown in Francis’ face at that moment just as Swiss Guards outside the apartment shouted that a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit had just entered the papal apartment.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 10th
2019.

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The Polish Countess Elena Dubrovna and Lenin’s Death

August 11, 2019 at 10:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , )

The Polish Countess Elena Dubrovna and Lenin’s Death

The Polish Countess Elena Dubrovna had lost both her father and her brother in the Battle of Warsaw that was fought between August 12th and August 25th 1920.

The battle called by historians The Miracle On The Vistula because it stopped Leon Trotsky’s Soviet Red Army from advancing and conquering Western Europe.

The Red Army had reached all the way to Warsaw and looked to be on the verge of victory at the start of the battle.

But on August 16th 1920, Polish forces commanded by Marshal Josef Pilsudski counterattacked from the south disrupting the Red Army offensive and forced the Red Army eastward and behind the Neman River.

Several more Polish victories saved Poland’s independence and led to a peace treaty between Poland and the Soviet republics of Russia and Ukraine signed on March 18th 1921.

The treaty was known as the Peace of Riga because it was signed in Riga, Latvia.

It put a formal end to the Polish-Soviet War (that was fought from February 14th 1919- March 18th 1921).

As a result of the peace treaty, Poland took control of modern day western Ukraine and modern day western Belarus.

It was a situation that would last until the outbreak of the Second World War in September 1939.

Even though her beloved Polish homeland was saved, Countess Elena Dubrovna never forgave Soviet forces for her father’s and brother’s deaths at the Battle of Warsaw.

She swore that she would personally kill Lenin the head of Soviet Russia.

But how was she, a young woman in her early 20s, going to go all the way to Moscow and get past Lenin’s guards and kill the Russian Soviet leader?

Especially as she wanted to find a way to give him a slow and painful death.

It was New Year’s Day 1924 just shortly after 2 AM and the Soviet leader was heading back to his office after engaging in mild New Year’s celebrations (for the austere almost puritanical Lenin was not much of a party animal).

He stopped when he saw this vision in front of him:

The Polish Countess Elena Dubrovna.

Feeling as if the sun was rising from the south, the usually puritanical Lenin stopped and kissed the woman’s gloved hand.

That was when a sharp object was inserted into Lenin’s head.

This would lead to Lenin’s eventual death from a hemorrhagic stroke on January 21st 1924.
A hemorrhagic stroke is when blood from an artery begins bleeding into the brain. This happens when a weakened blood vessel bursts and bleeds into the surrounding brain. Pressure from the leaked blood damages brain cells and as a result the damaged area is unable to function properly.

It would be a slow painful 20 days for Lenin to die when he finally died on January 21st 1924.

And what was the sharp object inserted into Lenin’s head?

Countess Elena Dubrovna wiped the blood off her fangs.

Encountering the Countess Draculina (daughter of Count Dracula) at Castle Dracula in the Carpathians had been the best thing to ever happen to Elena as far as her mission of revenge went.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Sunday August 11th
2019.

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Countess Draculina On The Feast Day of Saints Peter and Paul

June 29, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Countess Draculina On The Feast Day of Saints Peter and Paul

The Dalai Lama recently found himself in trouble with the small penis male and large dildo lesbian blowhard SJWs (social justice warriors) on Twitter when he said that if his successor was female, she should be attractive.

British news media reached out to British MP Renfield R. Renfield for comment on the Dalai Lama’s remarks since the controversial MP could usually be relied on to make some politically incorrect statement capable of offending feminists and members of the LGBTQ community alike.

Replied Renfield, “Well if the Dalai Lama has a female successor, he probably wants to ensure that she isn’t immediately beheaded by Pan Goatee as soon as she takes office.”

Meanwhile over at the G-20 summit in Osaka Japan the entity known as the Black Dragon (supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping) ensured that no invisible beings (especially those who were spies and secret agents for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) were able to enter the room where Xi and Donald Trump held their closed door meeting.

So Set Enterprises were up “shit creek without a paddle” as far as details of that meeting were concerned.

The only thing known for sure about what went on behind closed doors at that meeting was Xi gave Trump a severed needle from a cactus plant to pass along to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Meanwhile in the City of Calgary, Pan Goatee was getting off a bus when he happened to notice a thin ugly gargoyle (as opposed to your usual fat ugly blimp) walking down the street.

“The Dalai Lama doesn’t want you as his successor,” Pan Goatee commented as he beheaded her.

He then walked in the direction of the Public Library where another thin ugly gargoyle had just exited.

“They must have closed the Aesthetics section of the public library today,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded her.

He then walked around to the other side of a shopping mall and entered.

There sitting in front of a Credit Union was an ugly mid sized cow woman with buck teeth bigger than that of Bugs Bunny.

“The Dalai Lama doesn’t want you as his successor either,” Pan Goatee spoke aloud his Sherlockian deduction as he beheaded the ugly creature, “We’re far past the days of Credit Unions headed by It’s A Wonderful Life Jimmy Stewart film characters. Nothing good comes from credit unions anymore.”

He then went to the mall’s food court where he ordered a Vietnamese style submarine sandwich.

After buying half a dozen cans of diet Coke from the Dollar Store, he then exited the mall where he encountered the hideous spectacle of a fat ugly blimp (no doubt who had just come from the pasture where she had been feeding on large quantities of everything).

“Your mama should have told you to worry about your size,” Goatee paraphrased the lyrics of a recent pop song as he beheaded her, “you’re not going to be the successor of the Dalai Lama either.”

Meanwhile over in the City of Rome, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol were trying to stop a satanic sacrifice being performed by certain members of the Vatican College of Cardinals who were also members of a satanic cult.

But since they relied on GPS (at Whitstable’s suggestion) rather than a good old fashioned map and/or street atlas to guide them to their destination, they arrived too late to stop the sacrifice.

The satanist Cardinals had already dispersed and were going off to evening tea in Pope Francis’ apartment to discuss the upcoming Amazon Synod that would be held this October.

As Van Helsing and Whitstable walked back to their hotel, they came across the Countess Draculina (vampiress daughter of Count Dracula) kneeling in the moonlight.

“That looks like a full moon bathing Draculina in the moonlight,” Van Helsing commented, “I didn’t think there was a full moon tonight.”

Whitstable consulted his Farmer’s Almanac book (rather than his smart phone) on this topic and replied, “I guess Selene the Greek Titan goddess of the moon is drawing her chariot across the sky tonight and apparently her chariot is full moon shaped.”

Van Helsing and Draculina went to one of Rome’s hilltop gardens that night where they discussed the moon and other things.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 29th
2019.

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Panty Goatee Slays ISI Bigshot While Sherrielock Holmes and Fenrir Meet King Edward VII

February 17, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, love, Mystery, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was enjoying a High Tea of Chai tea and cucumber and creamed cheese sandwiches with his friend the concert pianist Amadeus Emanon and the concert pianist’s girlfriend the New Orleans vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont.

They were sitting in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal West London Mansion.

“So what did the Indian and Iranian governments contact you about yesterday?” Amadeus asked as he helped himself to a dozen cucumber and creamed cheese sandwiches.

Renfield thought he was wise to ask Athelstan the butler to make 200 of those sandwiches.

“Well, the Indian government suspects the Pakistani ISI was behind the suicide bomb attack that killed 44 Indian paramilitary policemen in Kashmir this past Thursday and Iran blames the ISI for the deaths of 27 Revolutionary Guards earlier this week,” Renfield explained as he sipped his tea, “so they asked me to use my contacts to do something about it.”

Meanwhile over in Pakistan, the assistant deputy head of the ISI was off on his morning jog.

Suddenly this vision greeted him:

DARPA cotract assassiness Panty Goatee

“Excuse me, Miss,” the ISI bigshot jogged over to her with a very tiny little miniscule bulge in his jogging pants, “but that t-shirt mini dress you’re wearing is very blasphemous not to mention that your attire in general is very un-Islamic. So I’m going to have to take you in for questioning and (ahem!) other things as well.”

Panty pulled a gun out from underneath her dress and shot the man.

“Ah shit,” the man said as he fell backwards on to the ground.

“I thought you people were supposed to say Allah akbar before you die,” Panty smiled as she slit the man’s throat with a knife she pulled out from under her dress.

. . .


Serena the time traveller and magician’s assistant to Thoth the Egyptian god of time and recordkeeping looked down at Dracul Van Helsing from her wall of clocks.

“What are you looking at?” Serena asked.

“Well,” said Dracul, “it was 100 years ago today on February 17th 1919 that former Canadian Prime Minister Sir Wilfred Laurier died. It’s hard to believe that there was ever an honest Federal Liberal politician from Quebec but they still made them as late as Sir Wilfred Laurier.”

. . .

The year was 1907.

And England’s King Edward VII was walking down the street looking for a piece of tail to satisfy his lecherous royal appetite.

Suddenly he spotted Miss Sherrielock Holmes.

“Ah, there’s the delightful twin sister of consulting detective Sherlock Holmes,” Edward VII stroked his beard.

He walked in her direction.

When suddenly there emerged from behind her dress the Norse wolf Fenrir.

“Good Lord, look at the size of that hound,” Edward VII clutched on to his silver wolf’s head walking stick and turned the other direction, “I’ll have to talk to Sherrielock some other day.”

. . .

“Who was that who text messaged you?” Amadeus asked as he was on his 99th cucumber and creamed cheese sandwich.

“Countess Draculina,” Renfield answered, “She fears that her father Count Dracula has been kidnapped by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith for some nefarious purpose so she’s coming over to talk to me.”

The doorbell rang.

Renfield went to answer it.

There at the door stood Countess Draculina.

“Good God!” Renfield exclaimed.

“What’s the matter?” Amadeus asked.

“I’ve got an enormous erection,” Renfield answered.

“You always were one to boast about that,” Angelique remarked.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 17th
2019.

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Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes: A Gothic Mythological Private Eye Poem

January 12, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, Gothic poem, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

All of the faces and all of the places
Wonderin’ where they all disappeared…
It’s those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of our running and all of our cunning
If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane

Those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes…
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands
If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.

-Jimmy Buffett, August 1977.


The water nymph Ondine in a pre-Raphaelite painting
that Carson Cody Albion Private Eye gazed at on a wall
An immortal made immortal in stroke of brush and mixture on palette

And now he Carson Cody Albion who had been made immortal by Atargatis

Atargatis

would he too someday be immortalized in stroke of brush and mixture of palette
An immortal beyond time and space
captured on canvas in frame occupying a place on a wall
captured in paint by a particular person at a particular time and place
was this why infinity turned in on itself and formed a pair of loops
intersecting at a particular point in time and space?

And what of his painting?
Albion wondered to himself
Could his own sins and transgressions be transferred to his painted visage
As happened to Oscar Wilde’s hero of one Dorian Gray
in the Victorian dandy’s tale of gothic philosophical fiction?

In the same place California but at a different time over 75 years later
Dracul Van Helsing stumbled upon the aftermath of a child sacrifice to Baphomet
presided over by the state’s governor in an act of officially consecrating the state to the demons Baal and Baphomet
As moonbeams danced and sunflowers turned brown in the darkness of night and the crescent of a moon and the bloodbath following a baby’s screams at the hands of a World War II jerry’s insigniaed knife
Baphometa the daughter of Baphomet emerged

clutching her shoulder as if clutching a bloody wound
that was the sole remaining wound of the last vestige of whatever innocence she might have possessed
prior to participating in her first child sacrifice

Oh even daughters of demons stand wounded
when suddenly they come face to face with the dark side of their nature
when given their pedigree, surely the dark side was theirs by nature
but alas even for daughters of demons, darkness embraced and innocence lost
was not and should not be the lot of any of creation
since that dreaded day when the Light-Bearer ascended and became the Bearer of Darkness
An ascent that descended so rapidly
A light that burned so impenetrably it became the blackest of all darkness

Dracul rushed to embrace the distraught Baphometa
Leaving one to wonder could kindness and consolation drive the darkest darkness away?

Back 75 years, the real Ondine stood in front of Carson Cody Albion

Her hair colour had changed since the Pre-Raphaelite artist
had painted her picture in England in the 19th Century
Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
What a change that can bring
Switch the time, switch the place
Switch the hair

By a stream of water, the hero in the Pre-Raphaelite painting
had lost the water nymph Ondine
By a fountain of water, Carson Cody Albion had found her

Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Even H2O wasn’t the same everywhere
as ice and snow fell into the ocean
Below the cascading castles of clouds

Against a snowy backdrop, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora
stood with her two mastiffs in the Carpathian Mountains of Romania

Facing Interpol agent Peter Whitstable
Whitstable had heard the urban myths and legends and tales of mysterious black eyed children
and now he stood face to face with black eyed dogs
And they stood staring at him
If eyes be the mirror of the soul, then souls these two black eyed mastiffs did not have
But fortunately for Whitstable, he was not their target
The Russian Orthodox monk behind him was
Sent by Patriarch Kirill of Moscow
As an emissary to the Romanian Orthodox Church
to advise them to break communion with Constantinople
But such was not Theodora’s plan
And foolish mortals should not interfere with the best laid plans of vampiresses
Particularly one with black eyed mastiffs at her beck and call

Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
From the mountain heights of Romania to the desert sands of Arabia
The Countess Draculina daughter of Count Dracula

strolling by the stream of the oasis palace of
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman
And she saw the Prince walk by
Book in hand
But the book he carried was not the Quran
But the Zohar
Most pre-eminent text in the Kabbalah

Tantric sex with Baphometa was called for
As Marvin Gaye sang Sexual Healing in the background
Dracul Van Helsing healed her
And Persephone the Queen of the Underworld waited for Dracul at sunset
at an Episcopal monastery in Santa Barbara

From the depths of Hades her husband’s realm
To the heights of Santa Barbara
Definitely changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
As Dracul and the Queen of the Underworld had tantric sex
And the Canadian vampire hunter made a cuckold of Zeus’ infernal brother
A pomegranate was crushed beneath the feet of the pair
And Persephone laughed, “Oh, Dracul,
if we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.”

-A vampire novel chapter
and gothic mythological
private eye poem
written by Christopher
Saturday January 12th
2019.

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