Slenderman Commercial For Weight Loss Clinics

June 13, 2014 at 6:12 pm (Commentary, News, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Slenderman Commercial For Weight Loss Clinics

“What are you looking so pleased about?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.

“Some big Madison Avenue advertising agency in New York City
is having a competition for who can come up with the best TV commercial advertising weight loss clinics for men,” Renfield grinned, “so I just designed one using my computer graphic and animation skills.”

Renfield then showed Amadeus the commercial on his iMac.

. . .

Standing there was a very tall extremely thin man wearing a black suit and a cartoon blank face.

“Hi there,” the figure introduced himself, “I’m Slenderman. I don’t usually say much… in fact I usually say nothing at all. But you sitting there like the fat slob on the couch that you are has inspired me to say this…

“Get off the couch, fatso. Yeah, I’m talking to you. The one eating his 13th bucket of KFC this hour. The one swallowing his 13th Big Mac this minute. The one inhaling his 13th box of Reese’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups this second.

You’re a disgusting obnoxious fat slob. You’re more blob than man. When was the last time you had a date, fatso? In fact, when was the last time you had sex?

You couldn’t have a woman snuggle up next to you on the couch because you take up the entire couch you disgusting fat pig.

While you’re busy stuffing your fat face, thousands of teen-aged girls are dying from anorexia.

Or better yet, girls are killing for me.

How many females would kill for you, you fat-assed ton of lard?

I could count by the number of toes on Oscar Pistorius’ feet how many females would kill for you.

Zilch.

Nada-nada.

A big fat zero.

Like yourself.

A big fat nothing.

So get off the couch.

Stop stuffing your face like a camel on Prozac.

Get out.

Exercise.

And join the Manly Loss Weight Loss Program.

There’s a Manly Loss Weight Loss Clinic near you.

All you’ve got to lose are your pounds.

And I’m not talking about being mugged over in England.

So become a man.

Become slender.

Become… Slenderman.

The type of guy that females will not only die for… but will be willing to kill for.”

. . .

Amadeus said nothing.

But considering the type of society that America had become today, he thought to himself, Renfield’s commercial might just win the competition.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 13th
2014.

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They’ll Kill For Slenderman

June 4, 2014 at 5:26 pm (Commentary, Crime, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

They’ll Kill For Slenderman

At one time girls would play Barbie and Ken getting a tan
but now they’ll kill for Slenderman
or play at being a princess in a royal garden waving her fan
but now they’ll kill for Slenderman
At one time pajama parties were their most exciting plan
but now they’ll kill for Slenderman
A child’s playground has now been replaced by the Net
and Al Jolson’s words now sound like a threat,
Hey, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday June 4th 2014
based on tragic events
that happened in the town of
Waukesha Wisconsin

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