Cthulhu’s Cardinal and A Welsh Werewolf On Saint David’s Day

March 1, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, Gothic romance, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


The February 1928 issue of Weird Tales in which H.P. Lovecraft’s character of Cthulhu is first introduced to the world in the short story “The Call of Cthulhu”.

Since Samhain Cardinal Salaman’s official episcopal title (bestowed on him by Pope Francis) was the Archbishop of the Welsh Diocese of Llanthony Abbey and the Black Mountains (a diocese officially created for the kabbalistic magic practicing former professional stage magician by Pope Francis), the Kabbalistic Cardinal said a Mass in commemoration of Saint David since Saint David is the Patron Saint of Wales and today March 1st was Saint David’s Day.

After saying Mass and having a breakfast of Welsh rarebit that frightened off the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre’s painted egg laying rabbit Vincent Van Yolk because he thought the cardinal said “Welsh rabbit”, Cardinal Salaman had coffee with the Zeus and Apollo worshipping Cardinal JM (As the Cardinal was known by his initials being the head of the Vatican’s Secret Intelligence Service).

Salaman informed JM that the gypsy vampiress and resident Vatican tarot card reader Stephania Borgia had prophecied that he, Samhain Cardinal Salaman, would become the next Pope if he could convince Francis to elevate a Welsh werewolf to the Cardinalate.

This would of course entail Salaman to visit his diocese in Wales in hopes of finding himself a Welsh werewolf.

The problem was since Francis had already artificially created a new diocese in Wales to make Cardinal Salaman an Archbishop, where would this new Welsh werewolf (if he could find one) Cardinal have his diocese?

Cardinal JM laughed and said, “No problem. Pope Francis has already named a committee to see if it’s possible to canonize H.P. Lovecraft’s character of Cthulhu a Cathoic Saint since the Holy Father feels that naming the hundreds of meters tall octopus, dragon and giant human hybrid Great Old One malevolent deity who came down from the dark stars a Catholic Saint would constitute a huge breakthrough in ecumenism and inter-faith dialogue.”


Cthulhu: Will he be proclaimed a Catholic Saint by Pope Francis?

“Well, it probably would constitute that,” Cardinal Salaman had to admit, “but how will that help me out?”.

“Well, His Holiness is thinking of declaring the lost South Pacific City of R’lyeh (close to that ocean’s Nemo point) where Cthulhu and his other vast loathsome shaped entity Great Old Ones reside hidden in green slimy vaults in the nighmare corpse city beneath the sea a Catholic Archdiocese which will of course require an Archbishop.”

“My problem is solved,” Salaman smiled as he threw the tarot card of Death down on the table.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron was being briefed by the Australian-French head of the French Intelligence Service Inspector Jocko Clouseau that the right-wing populist government of Italy was plotting his overthrow.

“How do they plan to do this?” Macron asked as he ate his French toast that had been prepared in the shape of a cougar.

“They’ve formed an alliance with a Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI who is intent on restoring the Bonapartist Empire to France with himself as Emperor,” Clouseau read aloud from his ketchup and gravy covered notes, “This Kraken used to be the Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus who, after he was diagnosed with an incurable fatal disease, uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg Octopus- part living octopus and part robot. The self-proclaimed Napoleon VI later met and married the immortal Medusa who was the Gorgon of Greek mythological fame. Medusa is now a good looking and sexy woman again thanks to a radical haircut that removed her snakes that was administered by the famous British scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands the 2nd.”

“Did you say that this Medusa was a sexy and good looking woman again?” Macron was down to his third last piece of cougar toast.

“That is correct,” Clouseau pulled a cheeseburger out of his coat pocket and started eating it.

“Being immortal, she’s probably a lot older than I am,” Macron reflected as he was down to his second last piece of cougar toast.

“Undoubtedly,” Clouseau added a pinch of garlic to his cheeseburger.

“I’d like to meet her,” Macron wiped his mouth with a napkin after finishing his last piece of cougar.

. . .


Medusa was once again a sexy looking woman.

. . .


Celebrating Saint David’s Night at her home in Wales was the Welsh vampiress MP Morgana.

The Welsh vampiress Morgana was about to celebrate Saint David’s Night in Wales with the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

Minutes later at a Bed and Breakfast down the street, her former political opponent in the last British general election the former Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was awakened by the resulting tantric sex earthquake.

The former MP now turned Private Eye (who was also a werewolf) longed for a silver bullet so he could get some sleep.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 1st
2019.

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The Cosmic Origins of P.H. Lovecat

February 4, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Music, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

His name was Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour.

P. H. Felinedamour for short.

He was an artist.

An artist inspired by the writings of H.P. Lovecraft.

Many Lovecraftian entities showed up in his paintings.

And in the art show that Dashwood Forrest (the Oscar Wilde admiring owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London) would be opening tonight in his gallery, the last painting that Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour ever painted – from December 21st 2012 (the same night that he disappeared) – would be on pre-eminent display in the middle of the gallery for this art show.

Dashwood Forrest was currently showing the painting to British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his date for this evening Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.

Renfield was bringing Lepardia to the gallery as a way of saying thanks to the cultural attache for saving the Transhumanist MP’s life this past weekend.

Lepardia had stopped an assasination attempt on Renfield by wrestling to the ground the Russian vampiress and FSB operative Svetlana Kireeva.

The incident occurred in the final match of a darts tournament being held at the Clytemnestra’s Revenge and Agamemnon’s Bathtub Pub and Beef House.

The wrestling match between mortal woman and immortal (unless staked through the heart) vampiress caused Renfield to lose the tournament by wrecking his final throw.

Svetlana had intended to assasinate Renfield by firing a poison dart at him with an Amazon tribesman’s blow gun.

Instead the dart hit the left foot of the American Jesuit priest Father Neville Barack Chamberlain (who was theological advisor to New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan advising His Eminence on how to take a firm stand on the most pressing doctrinal and moral issues of the day) causing a paralysis in the priest’s right testicle in an example of acupuncture and chi energy gone horribly wrong.

Lepardia and Renfield gazed at the P.H. Felinedamour painting entitled

Artemis, Cthulhu, Diana’s Sacred Deer and Hecate’s Familiar Black Cat With Clytemnestra Holding A Net and Agamemnon Screaming In The Nude In The Background.

“So that was the last painting he ever painted?” Renfield asked the London art gallery owner as he downed a reddish pink with shades of China blue shooter called Vincent Van Gogh’s Missing Ear.

Ariana Grande walked by in a slit skirted evening dress that prominently displayed her new “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo.

The singer was eating Honey Dipped Chicken Fingers from McDonalds.

No doubt Bill Clinton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson would have loved to have been flies on the wall (or even better, flies on the floor) as the lovely Miss Grande walked by.

“That is correct,” Forrest bowed to Renfield as Renfield crushed and killed a pair of flies on the floor with his right shoe.

Forrest’s personal secretary arrived on the scene to inform the Oscar Wilde lookalike London art gallery owner that his living dead Irish manservant and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie had just accidentally spilled barbecued chicken wings hors d’oeuvres down the evening dress of British Prime Minister Theresa May.

“Excuse me,” Forrest whispered to Renfield and Lepardia as his face turned as pale as the portrait of Dorian Gray and he rushed in the direction of the catastrophe.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 4th
2019.


Ariana Grande: Showing off her “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo at the P.H. Lovecat (Felinedamour) Art Show.

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Cthulhu and Goat Krampus On The Feast of Stephen: A Gothic Cyberhorror Carol

December 26, 2018 at 11:50 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic poem, Gothic romance, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

(to be sung to the tune of Good King Wenceslas the 1853 Christmastide carol written by John Mason Neale)

Cthulhu and goat Krampus on the Feast of Stephen
Donald Trump destroyed young girl’s belief in Santa dreamin’
Now Saint Nick’s dark sidekick will to Trump be cruel
And make minced meat out of the toupee wearing fool


Krampus now coming for Donald Trump

Donald Trump will wreck dreams and dreamers in effort to build a wall
to make up for the fact that his dick is really small
Into the demon goat’s bag went he with his tweets a’screamin’
he’ll be taken to a real hot place where all the walls are steamin’
No hope of escape for him you see
Francis wrong and right is Dante
while Hillary switches her broomstick for a donkey

As for Cthulhu that Great Old One, he fell in love with Riana
Indonesian ghost magician who performed for Cowell’s talent panorama
Now her country came under atack by that old Anak Krakatoa
A tsunami created when that old Anakim giant’s volcano overfloweth
Now Cthulhu is really pissed and cannot stand it much longer
He will wrestle with that anakim to see which one is stronger


Cthulhu will do battle with that evil offspring of Nephilim the Anak Krakatau in vengeance for the deaths of the Sacred Riana’s countrymen and women

So Donald Trump now roasts in Hell as old Cerberus rings a bell
and Pavlov drools expecting food in that place where dead do dwell
Hades’ realm has grown quite swell as its global warming times excel
Sacred Riana waits with her ghosts possessing
to see which giant will wind up as salad dressing

The Sacred Riana awaits the outcome of the battle between Cthulhu and the Anak Krakatau

-A Gothic Cyberhorror Carol,
Supernatural Narrative Poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
On The Feast of Stephen
Wednesday December 26th
2018.

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The Camp Fire of Cthulhu: A Poem

November 15, 2018 at 11:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Cthulhu had recently started fires in northern California
now tired of this particular spectacle
Cthulhu swung around continents and across oceans
Past straits and across seas to the eastern Mediterranean shore
There he noticed Zeus’ Kraken Scion of Apollyon burrowing into tunnels
in the Gaza Strip

The fallen Archangel Samael
The Talmudic angel of death
The Satan mentioned in the Book of Job
(that one time it wasn’t the Satan who is also Lucifer the Devil)
A former angelic prosecuting attorney
and a Prime Minister in the celestial realms of Heaven
turned Transgendered back in 1931
and went to live in Mexico
where he is worshipped as Santa Muerte (the female but really Transgendered Saint Death) the god and deity of drug dealers
and drug gangs throughout the Americas
Recently Samael Satan Santa Muerte took a holiday in Israel
and showed up as a snake in the cracks of the Western Wall
on the Temple Mount
and chased a pigeon trying to eat it

Not one to eat pigeon pie or humble pie
the Celtic stag god Cernunnos went hunting in Europe
he hunted humans and killed them
and made trophies of their heads and drank their blood
and said, “I have seen the future and it’s me.”

-An occultic poem
written by Christopher
Thursday November 15th
2018

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Pan Goatee’s Pre-Homicidal Big Mac Attack and Calls For Pope Francis To Resign

August 27, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Pre-Homicidal Big Mac Attack and Calls For Pope Francis To Resign

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee 🐐 was having a Big Mac attack.

So he went into a McDonald’s restaurant and ordered a Big Mac.

While enjoying his Big Mac and signing autographs asked for him by an adoring group of star struck fans who would be starting kindergarten in the fall, the satyr noticed an ugly looking woman by the pop machine.

The stupid bitch seemed to be taking her time figuring out how the pop machine worked (and she didn’t have the excuse of being an attractive looking blonde with a nice pair of knockers who generally do have such trouble with such simple mechanisms).

Finally the ugly looking bitch was shown by her children how you just had to push your cup against a lever and the pop poured of its own accord.

She finally left the restaurant.

“Thank God,” Pan Goatee took some blood pressure lowering pills, “her ugliness was starting to get on my nerves.”

But then the ugly looking bitch insisted on standing right outside the window where Pan Goatee was sitting totally ruining his view with this hideous blemish on the landscape.

Pan Goatee immediately jumped through the window smashing it into a thousand pieces and beheading the ugly woman with his astral laser machete.

Just then a cab pulled up to the parking space in front and the cab driver stuck his head out the window, “Anybody here call for a ride?”.

“Mom did but this half-man half goat beheaded her,” the ugly woman’s son explained.

Pan Goatee picked up the ugly woman’s decapitated body and threw it in the back seat.

He then picked up the ugly woman’s decapitated head and threw it in the trunk.

“You better drive her home,” Pan Goatee directed after snatching a $20 bill from one of the ugly woman’s kids and handing it to the cab driver, “Being beheaded and driving is like being impaired and driving. It doesn’t really mix and could lead to a major catastrophic traffic or pedestrian collision on our city streets.”

He then went back inside to finish his Big Mac.

Just then a fat ugly blimp walked by him finally wrecking his appetite for good.

Goatee threw the remaining pieces of Big Mac to a homeless man who was looking for bottles in the trash bin outside.

He then beheaded the fat ugly blimp and proceeded to cut her up into a trillion pieces.

“Certainly a lot of fat to go around there,” Goatee thought to himself as he wondered whether he might not have been a government auditor in a past life.

. . .

“Cthulhu has been eating quite a number of the residents of San Francisco,” one of Donald Trump’s White House aides told the toupee wearing President.

“What do I care?” Trump shrugged, “The people of California never voted for me and the people of San Francisco in particular never voted for me. Let them be cake 🍰 for Cthulhu.”

Trump took off his hairpiece and put on a Marie Antoinette wig to see how he would look.

“But Melania says unless you do something to stop Cthulhu’s non-vegan cuisine slaughter in San Francisco, she’s going to give a tell all interview to CNN News.”

“All right,” Trump changed his mind, “Send Gen. James Mattis out there and get him to ask Cthulhu what’s eating him that’s causing him to eat so many residents of San Francisco.”

. . .

Pope Francis was being told by several Cardinals and bishops that he should resign in the wake of the former papal nuncio to the United States’ 11-page document that the pontiff knew about former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s sexual misconduct and covered up for him.

Pope Francis sat in his office and pondered 🤔 the million dollar question, “What would Pope Alexander VI do?”.

Meanwhile Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal, who had taken over the Vatican on October 13th last year along with six Vampiric Knights-Templar, the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and Amourous Laetitia the personal black cat and familiar of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft, was undergoing a severe anxiety attack in the wake of the possibility that Pope Francis might resign.

Allatallahbel was dealing with her anxiety attack in the only way she knew how.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 27th
2018.

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Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem

August 22, 2018 at 10:39 pm (Avatar Speaks, Celebrities, Entertainment, Folklore, Ghost Story, Horror, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, love, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Television, The Occult, The Supernatural, Theatre Arts, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , )

Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem

It was the city proud to be oh so happy and gay
not so the creature now dwelling in the Bay
San Francisco felt a shaking
and it wasn’t earthquaking
It was Cthulhu as mad as Hell
but not at Mel B. or Simon Cowell
Howie Mandel was likewise all right
but Heidi Klum got a fright in the night
A tentacle 🐙 grabbed her leg
and it wasn’t Trump taken down a peg

For Cthulhu was in love with the Sacred Riana
like King King showing Fay Wray his big banana
He was expecting his favourite magician to go all the way
not burnt to ashes like a voodoo doll on a hot summer day

For America had voted Riana out
as Heidi complained of leg pain worse than gout
And now America would pay a very high price
and it wouldn’t be tariffs on chicken fried rice 🍚

A creature from the Lovecraftian Mythos
was with the land of the free extremely cross
No need to worry about Putin, Iran or Kim
For America, Cthulhu now has it in
It will drown in blood
like a raging flood
Fake news or not
but tentacles 🦑 of death shall hit the spot
and of making the land great again, it shall all come to not.

-A comic horror poem
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 22nd
2018.

The Sacred Riana is Cthulhu’s queen
She ascended a fiery wall before commercial break scene
She was crawling up to be crowned the Queen of Hell
from the Beast like creature who at the bottom of the sea 🌊 does dwell

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Pan Goatee Gets The Vincent Price Seal of Approval and Cthulhu Overhears Trump’s Plan To Build Third Temple

August 9, 2018 at 10:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee Gets The Vincent Price Seal of Approval and Cthulhu Overhears Trump’s Plan To Build Third Temple

Pan Goatee was riding the train 🚊 when he noticed a very beautiful young Asian woman wearing a short skirt board the train and sit behind him.

Sadly Pan had to get off at the next stop.

Otherwise he’d have talked to her and taken her to a fried rice 🍛 dinner if she was Chinese, a sushi 🍣 buffet if she was Japanese or a nice Bibimbap place if she was Korean.

He went to the exit which was right behind her and noticed a fat ugly white blimp standing at the exit.

Like most of the fat ugly blimps in the city, they were mainly white which of course was the ultimate proof that the “whites are the master race” theory was a total lie.

Pan Goatee suspected that it was because most of the airheaded females in the white race had imbibed heavily from the raw sewage water of radical feminism that caused them to become so fat and ugly.

Goatee from talking to men in their 50s, 60s and 70s noted that they all claimed that the vast majority of white women weren’t so fat and ugly 50 years ago.

It was only with the advent of the 1970s and radical feminism in the Western world that obesity started to balloon (quite literally) among white females and their faces took on the shape of vastly decomposed watermelons and the most grotesque misshapen pumpkins.

Goatee took out his astral laser machete and promptly cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head and then kicked it down the aisle where it went out a far door and all the way to the city’s northwest end where it scored the winning field goal in a Calgary Stampeders CFL practice match among the team players.

The quarterback of the winning side of the team after picking up the “ball” immediately thought of sending a letter of complaint to the CFL league commissioner about how the quality of the league’s footballs 🏈 seemed to have radically deteriorated this season.

Pan Goatee then cut a hole in the roof of the train with his laser machete and exited that way.

As he exited, he noticed the head of the Calgary Tourist Authority walk by so he promptly beheaded the man.

The price the villain would have to pay for not warning tourists about the humanly (?) bovine cows (who had been the object of UFO 🛸 abductions who then returned the product to earth but failed to get their money back for their troubles) among the city’s female populace.

. . .

Cthulhu had spent the day in San Francisco Bay eating a group of lobster fishermen.

This meal on Cthulhu’s part immensely pleased Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster in London who had a vision of it.

After eating the last lobster fisherman with a pillar of salt he found on the beach (some ET woman had turned around to look back on San Francisco and the resulting radical change in bodily biochemistry occurred), he belched loudly and lay down to take a nap 💤.

With his expert hearing, he overheard a secret conversation taking place among high-ranking Republicans on the Bohemian Grove estate.

“Do you mean to say that Donald Trump intends to build the Third Temple on his own?” Asked a shocked voice.

“Yes,” said the other man, “for some leading Jewish rabbis and scholars throughout the centuries have prophesied that it will be a descendant of Edom who will build the Third Temple whereas it was descendants of David who built the first two. And Trump with the grandiose Messianic tendencies he has believes that he will be the descendant of Edom to do so.”

“But won’t the Palestinians and various Islamic authorities in the Middle East object?” The man with the Austrian accent (noted for being a bodybuilder, an actor and a state governor) asked the man with the German accent (noted for being a former U.S. Secretary of State).

“Of course, but has Donald Trump ever given a damn what other people think or the objections they might raise?” The former Secretary of State asked.

“Oh shit,” said the former bodybuilder, “does that mean we’ll soon be saying to Mother Earth 🌏 Gaia, Hasta la vista, baby?”.

. . .

After listening to the Michael Jackson song Thriller, British MP Renfield R. Renfield slept.

In his dream, Vincent Price was talking to a raven.

“Me thinks, friend Raven, that Pan Goatee is working zealously to make this world a more beautiful place. For no male mortal can resist the beheading of the uglo.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 9th
2018.

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The Reason Cthulhu Is In California and Trump Gets Advice From Gen. Pinochet’s Ghost On Military Coup

August 7, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Horror, International Intrigue, Literature, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The Reason Cthulhu Is In California and Trump Gets Advice From Gen. Pinochet’s Ghost On Military Coup

The Times of London sent their top ghostly spectral reporter Belvedere the ghost of the ghost white salamander to San Francisco to interview the Lovecraftian Great Old One god monster Cthulhu who had recently showed up in San Francisco Bay.

Other reporters had tried to interview the beast from the sea 🌊 but they ended up being eaten by the Creature from R’ lyeh (an underwater city in the South Pacific).

On hearing of the number of American mainstream reporters who were eaten by Cthulhu, Donald Trump tweeted, “See even Cthulhu thinks that the media is the enemy of the American people. And he can probably shoot through a hoop a lot better than Lebron James.”

An hour later Melania Trump tweeted, “Cthulhu is an inhuman monster.”

A leading American divorce lawyer then tweeted, “Who wants to grab me first? The Donald or Melania? Call me as Blondie once said.”

Since Belvedere was already a ghost, he didn’t have to worry about being eaten by Cthulhu although that didn’t stop Cthulhu from trying.

Finally in order to shut the pesky ghostly ghost white salamander Belvedere with his annoying questions up, Cthulhu finally broke down and revealed the reason for his trip to California.

“I want to see the Sacred Riana in the quarterfinals of the 2018 America’s Got Talent competition,” Cthulhu explained, “I watched her win the 2017 Asia’s Got Talent competition last year via underwater satellite TV in my cage in R’lyeh. Never have I been so turned on by anyone in hundreds of millions of millennia. I thought all this time I had become totally celibate. Which is why Lovecraft called me the High Priest of the Great Old Ones. He thought I was a Great Old One equivalent of Pope Hildebrand (aka Pope Gregory VII who reigned from April 22nd 1073-May 25th 1085) and thought that since celibacy was good enough for him, it was good enough for all the clergy in the West. I must confess I really didn’t have any sexual feelings until I watched the Sacred Riana in the 2017 Asia’s Got Talent competition.”

“I think you told me way more information than what I actually wanted to know,” Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander turned even whiter than his usual ghostly white self.

The Sacred Riana terrifies Mel B. On America’s Got Talent 2018.

. . .

“Who are you?” Donald Trump asked the ghostly spectral figure of the General who only seemed to speak Spanish, “This is why we need to build a wall. Are you the fellow who put all those Mexican drug dealers’ heads on those spikes in the White House Rose Garden recently? I must admit they helped my morning bowel movement considerably but still I don’t really relish having the crap scared out of me.”

“I am the ghost of Gen. Augusto Pinochet,” the spectre explained in Shakespearean English finally, “confined both day and night to fast in fires 🔥 until the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away. Unfortunately for me, that’s going to last from here until eternity.”

“So what are you doing here in the Oval Office then?” Trump asked.

“Hades the Greek god and guardian of the Underworld released me temporarily,” Gen. Pinochet’s ghost explained, “Pope Francis seems to get on Hades’ nerves with all his claims about Hellish Tartarus not existing. Many in the celestial council of small-g gods are starting to think that Hades is falling down on the job. So since Hades dislikes Pope Francis and Pope Francis happens to dislike you, Hades released me to give you advice.”

“Advice on what?” Trump looked in the mirror and wondered if the Chilean military dictator might be able to recommend a good hair product for more natural looking hair colour.

“On how to organize a military coup d’état and seize power just on the off chance the Robert Mueller probe does turn up something and Congress decides to impeach you,” Gen. Pinochet’s ghost explained.

“Beg your pardon, sir,” Lexington the Presidential butler and valet opened the Oval Office door, “but former Secretary of State Dr. Henry Kissinger is on line 1. He has just had a dream about a 1950s Mamie Van Doren 3-D motion picture that he’d like to discuss with you.”

“Is that the one where the movie announcer in the ad trailer for it says She’ll knock both your eyes out?” Trump helped himself to some left over Mexican spicy 🌶 breasts that Lexington had prepared for him this past weekend.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 7th
2018.

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Gali-Gula Proposes An NRC Contract Assassin, Cthulhu On California Coast and The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology

August 6, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Gali-Gula Proposes An NRC Contract Assassin, Cthulhu On California Coast and The Three Fates of Greek Mythology

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was feeling depressed.

The reason?

Deteriorating relations with Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦.

Canada had called for the release of Saudi-American woman human rights campaigner Samar Badawi from jail after being arrested by the so-called “reform” government of asshole Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.

Saudi Arabia over the protest froze all trade with Canada and expelled Canada’s ambassador to Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦.

One of the Saudi government’s verified Twitter accounts showed an image of a Saudi plane flying towards Toronto’s famed CN Tower about to crash into it (thus supporting British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s theory that some high Saudi government officials secretly backed Osama bin Laden and the 9/11 attacks).

The tweet was later deleted but had been caught by Canadian Government computer screenshots.

Inhaling marijuana smoke breathed out by Strawberry Fields Forever the Canadian Prime Minister’s pot smoking desert cactus 🌵 plant inside the greenhouse, Gali-Gula the ET gray from Nibiru appeared to the pot inhaler Justin Trudeau and suggested that the NRC (National Research Council of Canada) create an NRC equivalent of DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee who will conduct assassinations on behalf of the Canadian government.

Justin replied that was a good idea and said in the meantime that he was going to ask British MP Renfield R. Renfield to pay a visit to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman given Renfield’s recent triumphant victories over the Russian Wolves nationalist motorcycle gang and the Mexican Disciples of Santa Muerte drug cartel.

. . .

Cthulhu the several hundred metres tall giant octopus 🐙, dragon 🐉 and human (first foreseen by early 20th Century American horror writer H. P. Lovecraft) was approaching the City of San Francisco, California.

“Oh shit,” said Democratic Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi on the deck of her boat when she saw him approach and proceeded to do just that.

Giving a whole new meaning to the term Poop 💩 Deck.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield wearing a t-shirt that said PSYCHOPATHS 4 GOOD (that was bought for him by New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont after his recent massacre and mass bodily dismemberment of the entire Disciples of Santa Muerte drug cartel) and a pair of Pan Goatee image emblazoned Hawaiian style boxer shorts was giving a speech to the Annual August Summer Banquet of the London Press Club.

Sitting in the audience were the 3 beautiful Fates of Greek Mythology- all of whom had become quite smitten with Renfield.

Renfield began his speech, “In the words of a great wise man… a journey of a thousand miles always begins… with a trip to the washroom.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 6th
2018.

The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology listening to British MP Renfield R. Renfield speak at the Annual August Summer Banquet of The London Press Club

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Cthulhu On The South China Sea

April 11, 2017 at 4:30 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

“Mr. President,” Trump’s aide was forced to interrupt him as he was writing yet another Twitter tweet, “ships are being attacked in the South China Sea.”

“Whose ships?” Trump looked up, “our ships? Who’s doing the attacking? The Chinese?”.

“All types of countries’ ships are being attacked in the South China Sea including China’s,” the aide replied, “and the attack is being carried out by a strange sea creature who stands hundreds of meters tall, has an octopus head for a head, the wings of a dragon on its back and has giant humanoid arms and legs with its hands and feet webbed.”

“Sounds like the preview trailer I saw for the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film with Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow,” Trump reflected.

“Nevertheless it’s real, Mr. President,” the aide said grimly, “The NSA believe that it’s the creature Cthulhu originally believed to have been a fictional character first mentioned in the works of an early 20th Century horror story writer called H.P. Lovecraft.”

Trump picked up the phone and dialed a number, “Hello, Ivanka? Get thee to a library and read up everything you can find about a fictional monster called Cthulhu mentioned in the works of a horror writer called H.P. Lovecraft.”

. . .

The Royal Australian Navy ship The H.M.S. Pirate Don Durk of Dowdee was the only one that survived the attack by the creature Cthulhu of all the ships attacked in the South China Sea that fateful day of April 11th 2017.

First Mate Gil Mebson asked Captain Haul Pogan how their ship The Dowdee managed to survive.

“Well when we left Mumbai,” Captain Pogan took off his alligator boot to scratch his foot, “that psychic I had gone to see in Mumbai Tantric Tanya advised me to cover the ship in garlic. When I asked why, she said, I’d know the reason when we sailed back to Australia. This must be the reason.”

“So this Cthulhu creature is allergic to garlic like vampires and certain demons are,” Gil Mebson said as he ate his butter chicken.

“Apparently,” Captain Pogan opened a can of beer, “and it’s a good thing too. Otherwise I might never have heard the song Waltzing Matilda sung ever again.”

“That ship there doesn’t seem to have been attacked either,” Gil Mebson pointed to a ship that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

“It appears to be a North Korean ship judging from the flag,” Captain Pogan peered through his binoculars, “and it’s got a huge television screen atop the mass broadcasting a speech from North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.”

“I wonder what he’s saying,” Gil Mebson drank some rum.

“Well, if my Korean serves me correctly,” Captain Pogan replied, “Korean which I learned from making love with beautiful female members of the Korean Dragon Sisterhood Warrioress Society back in my days in Seoul, Kim Jong-un is reciting passages from the Necronomicon in Korean. The Necronomicon was originally written in Arabic by Abdul Alhadrez in Damascus in 730 AD. I myself read the Latin edition of The Necronomicon as a young Jesuit seminarian until I decided I couldn’t accept celibacy after attending a Sean Connery James Bond Film Festival held in Melbourne. I believe the passages Kim Jong-un is reciting are those passages that call the Cthulhu to rise from his home at the bottom of the sea.”

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was surprised to receive a phone call from South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.

He hadn’t talked to Hyung ever since she broke up with his friend the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

Hyung had caught Dracul in bed in a menage a trois with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and the Egyptian vampiress Isis back on December 21st 2012 the day the world was supposed to end.

“Hyung, what’s up?” Whitstable asked.

“It’s Kim Jong-un,” Hyung replied, “last Christmas, he managed to get his hands on an ancient Korean copy of the book The Necronomicon. He’s now using that book to raise deadly occultic supernatural creatures from their resting places in the Underworld and at the bottom of the sea.”

“Wow,” said Whitstable, “too bad western intelligence hadn’t found about this earlier.”

Whitstable had on his desk a detailed report about today’s Cthulhu attacks in the South China Sea.

“Kim Jong-nam his half-brother found out about it and was going to reveal all after a gambling trip to Macau,” Hyung said, “but he got that fatal VX nerve agent towel in the face at Kuala Lumpur International Airport.”

“And now the young Stalinist brat Kim Jong-un has raised Cthulhu to attack shipping in the South China Sea by broadcasting Necronomicon pasages via satellite transmission to large screen TVs on North Korean ships,” Whitstable seethed.

“Who knows what other monsters he’s now going to raise?” Hyung looked over at her Samsung large screen TV.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 11th
2017.

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