Pan Goatee’s Saturday Afternoon On The Last Weekend In March

March 30, 2019 at 9:03 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , )

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly woman) was in the food court of a nearby restaurant where he had picked up a submarine sandwich from Subway.

His enjoyment of his sub was soon ruined by the sight of a fat ugly blimp waddling in front of him.

The fat ugly blimp picked up two large containers of food from a Lebanese food take out place and then two large containers of food from a Chinese food take out place.

“Well, it’s no great mystery as to why you’re the size of a behemoth,” Goatee remarked as he reached into his holster, pulled out his astral laser machete and beheaded the creature.

After tossing his cookies (metaphorically speaking) into a nearby garbage can (the aftereffect of beholding the grisly gruesome sight), Goatee walked to a nearby McDonald’s to buy himself a large double double coffee.

Upon approaching the entrance, to the left (from Pan’s viewpoint) was a teen-aged fat ugly blimp with pink and purple coloured hair.

Goatee had nothing against females with pink and purple coloured hair save when they adorned the elephantine heads of fat ugly blimps.

The revolting and sickening sight more properly belonged in a circus tent (like Archie Bunker used to sing about in the theme song on the old All In The Family TV show, “Freaks were in a circus tent, those were the days.”) with a sign above the tent entrance that read ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE to those stupid enough to part with their hard earned money just to see a repulsive blood-curdling stomach churning mind numbing sight that could easily be replicated by staying home and doing their income tax returns (which also would have been an experience far more enjoyable).

Goatee promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp with pink and purple hair who could easily serve as the poster child for GSAs (Gay-Straight Alliances) in Alberta schools driving most hormonally aroused and voice changing males towards the “G” side of that equation.

Fortunately there seemed to be mainly beautiful women inside the McDonald’s which prevented Pan’s large double double coffee from joining his Subway sandwich in the Tossed Cookies Department.

Upon leaving the McDonald’s restaurant to walk home, he noticed a flat trailer truck broken down at the side of the road.

Outside the broken down truck were a fat ugly blimp, her brainless husband and a kid.

“Well, no doubt the fat ugly blimp which far exceeds the province’s heavy load weight restrictions was responsible for this truck’s breakdown,” Goatee said as he approached and beheaded the blimp.

Goatee then beheaded the brainless husband remarking, “And that’s for being so stupid as to have sexual relations with a human-walrus hybrid.”

He then turned his attention to the kid, “The offspring of ugliness and stupidity does not a fine progeny make” and beheaded him.

He was sure the genetics textbooks at home would validate his impromptu on the spot empirical assessment.

Meanwhile the computers at DARPA were down again as a result of a Chinese Communist EMP (electro-magnetic pulse) attack on the system in response to Donald Trump tweeting an Executive Order that there were to be no EMP attacks on the U.S.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 30th
2019

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Pan Goatee’s Twin Sister, Edgar Allan Poe, Robert E. Lee, The Mermaid and The Kraken: A Poem

January 19, 2019 at 11:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Literature, love, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


DARPA Contract assassiness Panty Goatee disguised as the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria appearing to Edgar Allan Poe on the day of his death October 7th 1849

‘Twas the night before the Super Wolf Blood Moon
and all through the earth, strange creatures were stirring
and at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland
Shiva and Kali danced the Dance of Death
because of the foolishness of foolish mortals
DARPA and CERN had teamed up to send
Pan Goatee’s genetically cloned twin sister
the beautiful Panty Goatee back in time
to Baltimore Maryland on October 7th 1849
disguised as Poe’s immortal love
the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria

They were sending Panty back as Lenora
On this date of January 19th 2019
on what would have been Poe’s 210th birthday
if he had been still alive or had become an immortal

So as the full moon cast a mysterious looking lunar rainbow
Down upon a cloud as snowflakes fell to Earth
Around the Swiss countryside
And Kali and Shiva danced a frozen version of Swan Lake
as the Greek god Zeus choked on the drumstick of Leda’s
duck a l’orange
and the Chinese moon goddess Chang’e laughed heartedly
while sampling the delicacy of Peking Duck sprinkled
with a little Soma lunar elixir of life
As her snow white jack rabbit hare friend ate carrots
and developed superior night vision.

Why was Panty going back in time as Lenora
to Poe on his death day?
It was a plan conceived by DARPA’S new AI robot
Built by a DARPA employee under the mentorship of Sophia
The Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom
Unbeknownst to both DARPA and CERN however
the AI robot had come up with the idea
after being shortcircuited
when DARPA’s mascot Jefferey the otter
had poured a 40 ounce bottle of bourbon
down the AI’s metallic throat
because Jefferey thought the robot could use a drink.

As such both the drink and the plan
would spell doom to the best laid plans
of CERN and DARPA
Both should have stuck to building better mousetraps
And making plans to celebrate Robbie Burns Day
later this month.

Panty as Lenora approached Poe
The writer looked at her and whispered “My long lost love Lenore”
Then he whispered “Reynolds” as he saw the genetic clone
That the immortal Egyptian scientist Imhotep
had made of the writer and named “Reynolds”
Poe then croaked
and a raven outside the window wept bitter tears
As Poe would say “Lenore” nevermore.

Inside a Rome coffee shop
Abraham Lincoln’s ghost
And the ghost of Gen. Robert E. Lee
celebrated the Confederate General’s 212th birthday today
January 19th 2019
As the Egyptian god Osiris watched
Lincoln raised his cappuccino in a toast,
“Here’s to old enemies becoming friends again”.

And on a marble floor inside the Vatican was a gold ashtray
containing the gold plated figures of a mermaid and a Kraken
who were very much in love
The Kraken told his beloved mermaid,
I want this moment to last forever

His wish came true when King Midas touched them both.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 19th
2019.

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The Time Has Come, The Walrus Said, To Stop Interbreeding With Humans

January 17, 2019 at 11:53 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee was standing at the public transit train platform after a hard afternoon of laughing at Donald Trump’s tweets.

Earlier he had walked by an indoor sand box at an indoor day care center where a rather stupid looking young boy had said to a rather airheaded looking young girl, “Well if you’re going to cancel my State of The Union address, I’m going to cancel your taxpayer funded military flight to Afghanistan.”

“Kids these days,” Goatee thought to himself.

Of course the adults in this city were even worse particularly the large corps of repulsively ugly looking woman in the city.

One ugly looking creature (no doubt the product of some illicit liason between a human and a gargoyle that sent poor Quasimodo plunging to his death off Notre Dame’s bell tower when he saw the sickening spectacle that would inspire English metaphysical poet John Donne to state centuries later, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls.”) tried to walk in front of Goatee.

The genetically created satyr serial killer promptly beheaded the ugly looking creature.

Goatee later boarded a bus at another train station to get home.

An extremely aesthetically facially challenged fat ugly blimp (no doubt another abomination of desolation genetic hybrid of some stupid drunken Calgary male’s illicit interbreeding liason with a fat ugly female walrus along the banks of the Bow River during the sobriety challenged days and nights of the Calgary Stampede) boarded the bus and Goatee promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

He then cut her up into 666 sextillion pieces with his astral laser machete.

One Master’s Degree in Psychology student on the bus wondered to himself if this was an example of the toxic masculinity that the American Psychological Association and the latest new Gillette ads were warning people about.

“Well,” Pan Goatee, who had been developing his psychic powers for DARPA by staring at his own goat’s legs, answered the psychology student’s subconscious question, “My masculinity is certainly toxic for fat ugly blimps who are of course themselves highly toxic to earth’s aesthetic environment. Pope Francis should really praise my work in his next papal encyclical.”

When he got home, he noticed a fat ugly blimp walking kitty corner across from his house so he promptly beheaded her.

As he was about to cut the blimp’s head and body into 666 sextillion pieces (he seemed to have an obsessive compulsive disorder about that number Goatee thought to himself just like the Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla had an obsessive compulsive disorder about the number 3- he really should ask his psychiatrist about that at his next session), he received a text message on his Huawei smart phone that he wouldn’t be paid for this past month’s contract assassin work for DARPA as apparently his contract fell under the terms of the U.S. government shutdown.

“What the fuck!” Goatee foamed with rage, “DARPA scientists like Hyperion Sturm still get paid for developing AI robots for DARPA whose artificial stupidity would be second to none against AI assistants like Amazon’s Alexa and the Autoincorrect on the Samsung Galaxy tablet while I don’t get paid for bumping off high ranking bureaucrats in the Justin Trudeau government in an effort to make Donald Trump happy because he knows deep down in his cold metallic heart that Canada’s pot smoking boy wonder is a lot better looking than he is with his piss orange coloured toupee.”

Goatee immediately called his demon goat assistant Krampus the 2nd (genetically cloned from Saint Nicholas’ demon goat assistant on his December excursions throughout Bavaria and the former realms of the Hapsburg Austro-Hungarian Empire- the original Krampus) for assistance.

. . .

Donald Trump approached his bed.

He looked at the blankets and noticed there looked to be what appeared to be a head under his blanket.

Trump wondered whether he had pissed off any Russian racetrack owners lately.

He couldn’t ask his English butler and valet Lexington to look under the covers for him as Lexington had taken the evening off to go see the 1962 film The Manchurian Candidate that was playing at a Washington DC repertory theatre.

Finally Trump worked up the nerve to look under the covers himself.

He screamed the most bloodcurdling scream ever screamed in the history of the White House.

For there under the covers on his bed was the decapitated head of a hideous repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp.

Trump’s National Security advisor found the Donald a couple of hours later on his bedroom floor in a total state of shock clutching a pillow which had a picture of Marlon Brando as the Godfather on it while the Donald mumbled aloud the immortal words of England’s King Richard III in Act V Scene iv of William Shakespeare’s immortal play Richard III, “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 17th
2019.

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October 13th 2018- Mystery Babylon, The Pope, The Saudi Crown Prince and The Vampiress Priestess of Baal

October 13, 2018 at 9:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

October 13th 2018- Mystery Babylon, The Pope, The Saudi Crown Prince and The Vampiress Priestess of Baal

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a conversation with a Church of England Exorcist Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds who was a constituent in Renfield’s Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds parliamentary constituency.

“I came across a couple of Bible passages last night that suddenly struck me as being related even though I had never considered them as being related before,” said Father Aidan, “but considering what’s happening in today’s times, it suddenly struck me that they are related.”

“Oh,” said Renfield as he dug into his roast beef and Yorkshire pudding with his knife and fork, “and what would those passages be and how do they relate to today’s times?”.

“Well,” Father Aidan answered, “the first one is from Matthew 18:6 which reads “But whoso offends one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” That’s the first passage.”

“And what’s the other passage?” Renfield asked as he washed down his mashed potatoes and gravy with a quadruple whiskey 🥃.

“The other passage is from Revelation 18:21 which deals with the destruction of Mystery Babylon the Great Whore,” Father Aidan answered, “And a mighty angel took up a stone like a giant millstone and cast it into the sea, saying, Thus with violence shall that great City Babylon be thrown down, and shall be found no more at all.”

“And the relation?” Renfield ordered another quadruple whiskey from the waitress.

“Well the church that becomes Mystery Babylon does something that offends little ones and so the angel throws a millstone into the sea drowning that church,” Father Aidan noted.

“The Catholic Church under Pope Francis?” Renfield asked.

“Exactly,” Father Aidan nodded.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was looking at the video someone had sent him filming Pope Francis opening the Youth Synod back on October 3rd earlier this month.

In his hands at the opening of the Synod, Pope Francis held what was supposed to be a Crucifix but it actually was a Witch’s Stang- an occult ritual wizarding staff used to represent the Horned God in witchcraft.

What, Whitstable wondered, was Francis doing holding a Witch’s Stang representing the horned god of witchcraft at the opening of the Youth Synod?

Here Pope Francis had covered up for pedophile priests and bishops who had molested children and now he was opening up a Youth Synod with a witching staff representing the Horned God.

He was definitely offending all the little ones who believed in Christ, Whitstable thought to himself.

. . .

Dr. Cadbury Rocher had gone to see his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set about an order for Set Enterprises nanites that had just come in.

“What’s the problem?” Set asked.

“The problem,” Dr. Rocher explained, “is that this order came in from the government of Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦 and the nanites being asked for are those that can eat and totally destroy and remove all traces of a dead body.”

“And why should that be a problem?” Set asked as he dropped a living crocodile down his throat and ate it.

“Well if the Turks are telling the truth about the audio and video recordings showing Saudi secret police killing and dismembering the body of dissident Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul,” Dr. Rocher pointed out, “and if the Saudi government wants to use our company’s nanites to totally remove all traces of Khashoggi’s body and details of the sale become available to the European Union in Brussels and the British Trade Ministry in London, it could severely affect Set Enterprises’ ability to conduct business in Britain and Europe.”

“I see what you mean,” Set belched after digesting the crocodile, “You better not sell the nanites to the Saudi government then.”

An hour later DARPA’s Dr. Faustus Imhotep in Washington DC received a phone call from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman about purchasing some of DARPA’s nanites.

. . .

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal approached the Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman.

“You consummated a relationship with my astral twin Asherah,” she rubbed against Cardinal Salaman, “now you must consummate a relationship with me.”

Allatallahbel then went and lay down and beckoned Samhain Cardinal Salaman to come to her coffin and lay with her.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 13th
2018.

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Dark Witchcraft In American Politics and At The Vatican

October 12, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Dark Witchcraft In American Politics and At The Vatican

Pan Goatee was riding the bus back to his home when he noticed a hideously fat ugly white blimp riding at the back of the bus.

Goatee was astounded.

He was positive that he had beheaded the fat ugly bitch only weeks earlier.

He turned around and faced the front (for he was sitting at the front of the bus) so he wouldn’t have to look at her fat ugly repulsive aesthetically challenged face.

Just then a thin ugly white scarecrow (who would indeed be good at scaring off crows and everybody else for that matter) got on at the front of the bus and then sat directly across from him.

“What the fuck?” Goatee thought to himself.

He went over and beheaded the thin ugly scary scarecrow.

Krampus the 2nd teleported on to the scene with his innate demonic abilities and cut the thin ugly scarecrow woman into 666 quadrillion pieces, put the remains in a Pope Francis unapproved environmentally unfriendly plastic garbage bag and used it as fuel to burn down a drug dealer’s house.

Goatee then walked towards the back of the bus and beheaded the fat ugly white blimp he was positive that he had beheaded only weeks earlier.

When Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene, Goatee instructed the DARPA made genetically cloned demon (cloned from the original Krampus who so terrified and still terrifies the devoutly Catholic countries that made up the core of the medieval Holy Roman Empire) to save the hands of the fat ugly blimp and take them back to DARPA headquarters for analysis by DARPA’s Psychic Lobster Liberace (a name designed to appeal to America’s LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community- like most government agencies out of touch with the community they’re seeking to woo for support they were totally unaware that the performer Liberace was hugely unpopular with most of the LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community for denying his sexual orientation throughout his lifetime).

DARPA had plagiarized the idea of a psychic lobster from Britain’s Set Enterprises whose Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had genetically created a psychic lobster named Michelangelo back in 2010.

Goatee wanted Liberace to determine whether the fat ugly blimp was in fact the very same fat ugly blimp that the genetically created satyr serial killer had beheaded and dismembered weeks earlier.

Krampus the 2nd after saving the elephant sized hands could dispose of the rest of the fat ugly blimp’s body in his usual Krampusonian manner.

That night Pan Goatee got a text message from Dr. Faustus Imhotep who had been told by Exlaxia (the DARPA equivalent of Amazon’s AI assistant Alexa) after being in telepathic communication with Liberace the DARPA psychic lobster that the fat ugly blimp was indeed the very same uglo creature that Goatee had beheaded and dismembered weeks earlier.

After a violent fit of lobster vomiting after seeing the hands (for which the explosion proof tank of hydrogen immediately needed to be replaced), Liberace wearing a diamond and sparkling jewel 💎 encrusted white suit and jacket played a vigorous rendition of Elvis’ Viva Las Vegas on his toy piano 🎹 with his lobster claws and then telepathically communicated with Exlaxia his analysis.

Apparently the fat ugly blimp had been brought back from the dead by order of Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton had hired a Haitian voodoo witch doctor Pierre Josephine Swaying Les Fesses to bring the fat ugly blimp back from the dead.

He/she (for the Haitian witch doctor was an androgynous hermaphrodite) had done the same for some other ugly female victims of Pan Goatee as well on Hillary’s orders.

Hillary’s covert plan was to bring the Calgarian fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows back from the dead and illegally have them documented as American citizens to be able to vote in the 2020 Presidential election as almost all ugly women were inclined to vote for Hillary by inherent natural disposition.

What a sinister piece of black magic witchcraft, Pan Goatee thought to himself.

Here the Hillarybeast was in favour of killing unborn babies but at the same time was bringing fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows (who had been conceived in the very bowels of Hell itself) back from the dead.

What nefarious witchcraft was this? Goatee wondered.

Meanwhile at the Vatican in Rome, Pope Francis was using a very very very abstract modern art Crucifix carved in the shape of a witches Stang to summon the ghost of Aleister Crowley from the pits of Tartarus on his birthday which was today October 12th.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 12th
2018

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DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

October 11, 2018 at 10:36 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was currently working on the Beautify Calgary Project (as opposed to the Manhattan Project) – which was developing a new atomic weapon much like the old neutron bomb which instead of killing people and leaving buildings intact was to kill a certain set of people and leave other people intact.

Mephistopheles the demon god of racism proposed killing members of a certain race to Dr. Faustus Imhotep.

However that proposal was vetoed by a higher member of Hell’s demonic and fallen angelic hierarchy.

The hierarchical superior (who approved of Pan Goatee) suggested instead that fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows should be killed with the new weapon.

And hence the name – the Neutrouglotino bomb (a neutron bomb guaranteed to neutralize ugly women and kill them dead- to paraphrase an old TV Commercial for Raid House and Garden Bug Killer insecticide spray).

The proposal was to use it in the City of Calgary since they had the greatest number of ugly women per capita in the world.

And since the vast majority of fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows in the city’s female population were white, it should also meet with the approval of Mephistopheles whose demonic job was to promote racism and hatred of other races among all races.

However only a small quantity of Neutrouglotino powder could be used since it was mined in Antarctica 🇦🇶 and only a small portion could be mined every year.

Pan Goatee upon seeing an ugly woman would then drop the powder and with its UGLO searching ability injected into it through the use of uglo-hating nanites (whose masturbatory thoughts and fantasies were filled with images of Akira a female Japanese sex robot with the highest form of Artificial Intelligence and Dragon Sister kickass Martial Arts abilities which met with the DARPA Seal of Approval by a DARPA employee codenamed after the Greek titan god of heavenly light 🌞) would then go and kill every ugly looking woman within a 5 block radius.

This being Calgary of course, it wasn’t long before Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a hideous repulsively ugly looking fat ugly blimp of a white woman.

Pan Goatee threw the bomb powder and the blimp fell to the ground quite dead (causing a major earthquake on the other side of the world from the spot).

Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene and beheaded the blimp sticking the blimp’s head in a potato 🥔 sack that said DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT.

The nanites ate the rest of the blimp body and immediately vomited 🤮 afterwards.

This procedure was then followed throughout the day by Pan Goatee encountering numerous fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows.

He’d throw the Neutrouglotron powder, the uglo offender to humanity would keel over, Krampus the 2nd would behead the aesthetic offender, stick the hideous head into the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT and then the nanites would eat the rest of the uglo creature from Hell (the dreaded and mercifully unknown to Dante 13th circle of the Inferno) and immediately proceed to vomit 🤮 all over the place.

Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi was being inundated with thousands of calls from outraged citizens about gallons of unusual looking vomit 🤮 that were appearing on city sidewalks.

As for the uglo creatures’ heads in the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT, Goatee had instructed Krampus the 2nd to deliver those to Trump’s gold plated washroom in the West Wing of the White House and to stack the hideous repulsively looking ugly heads one on top of the other on the bathroom floor such as the display from Hell would be the first thing that Trump would see upon entering the Oval Office Executive Washroom.

. . .

Lexington the White House valet heard the most heart wrenching eardrum piercing scream and anguished 😧 cry that he had ever heard in his life.

He went rushing down the hall and there sat Donald Trump on the floor outside his gold plated washroom with a look of extreme shell shock in his eyes, sheer terror on his face and a mouth agape as if dead 💀.

Finally Trump spoke.

He spoke the same words over and over again.

The same words that were spoken by Marlon Brando’s character of Col. Kurtz at the end of Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 film Apocalypse Now.

“The horror… the horror…”

. . .

While California psychologist Christine Blasey Ford was being flown into Washington DC to be brought in as a consultant to use her Artificial Situation In The Mind Visualization Technique to bring the President out of his state of extreme extreme extreme Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Lexington the White House valet was suspecting a Democratic Party Deep State White House Secret Service plot to only intensify the Donald’s PTSD, the ghost of Orson Welles was showing the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill the TV commercial he had recently directed for a Chilean winery called Casillero del Diablo:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 11th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher

June 9, 2018 at 10:31 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher

Pan Goatee was on a mission for DARPA.

He had been sent to this city to assassinate a pre-eminent Alberta cattle rancher.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA (the actual head of DARPA who was code named Enema Enigma to hide his identity in civilian life was currently in hospital in Dublin undergoing a massive enigmatic enema after having come 2nd in An All The Blocks of Cheese 🧀 You Can Eat eating contest losing to an Irish barking dog (as opposed to Irish speaking dog) named Kurt. Kurt’s win for some reason caused the Italian Google Translate search engine to crash) had personally given Pan Goatee his orders for the assassination of the cattle rancher.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep told Pan that the orders for the assassination had come from the very top but did not elaborate as to what the term “very top” meant.

He did tell Goatee that the assassination target was a wealthy Alberta cattle rancher who was a major financial donor to the Canadian Federal Liberal Party (which was very unusual for an Albertan) and also a man who was a very enthusiastic supporter of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (also very unusual for an Albertan).

So Goatee deduced that this high ranking official who had ordered the assassination was obviously someone who was very pissed off 😡 with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Goatee was now in this Alberta city to go assassinate the wealthy cattle rancher and enthusiastic supporter of Justin Trudeau.

He was currently riding the Public Transit System Train 🚊 in the city on his way to the hotel where the wealthy cattle rancher was staying.

As Pan Goatee sat in his seat 💺 while the train pulled in at a train station platform, he noticed an extremely and very repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp approaching towards the train car he was sitting in.

“Choose another car you fatso uglo,” Goatee thought to himself.

Instead the fatso uglo being demonically possessed got on the very train car Goatee was riding in.

Pan immediately reached for his astral laser machete but realized that he had dropped it off at The Invisible Chinaman’s Astral Cleaning Chinese Laundry in Calgary’s Chinatown to get it cleaned.

Pan had used the machete to try to cut an immensely tough steak 🥩 at the Cactus 🌵 Club restaurant downtown and had spilled the awful tasting massive lumps of gravy all over his machete.

As a result, he was now getting it cleaned.

Pan moved over so that the fat ugly blimp would not sit next to him.

Instead the fat ugly blimp sat right behind him.

Then she crawled next to him and under his seat to pick up some rather long cigarette butts the fat ugly creature intended to smoke later.

“You fucking ugly looking fat blimp,” Goatee said in a statement that was definitely a brilliant grasp of the obvious, “I’m going to pummel your fat ugly face to bits.”

He proceeded to do just that.

He then ripped her fat ugly body to bits with his long fingernails.

Pan noticed that just before he pummeled the fat ugly blimp’s face to death that a blind man had accidentally pressed Take Photo on his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Mobile Exceptionally Smart Phone while attempting to send a text message in braille to an NFL referee.

“May I borrow your phone?” Goatee asked the blind man and then spoke to the smart phone’s avatar helper PANDORA, “would you please send that last photo taken to the following mobile phone number?”.

Goatee then said aloud the number.

The number belonged to Calgary’s resident white supremacist leader Brutus Campbell.

Goatee included a text message with the photo of the fat ugly blimp that said, “Hey asshole as you’re busy shooting your mouth off about the superiority of the white race, take a look at this photo of this fat ugly blimp which is what the majority of white women look like in this city since you’re too stupid to have noticed.”

Goatee then pressed Send.

Brutus Campbell had moments before just received a text message with accompanying selfie from a black man in drag who said, “Hey, I just met an acquaintance who said that you’ve recently come out of the closet and you’re looking for a gay trannie to show you the ropes- the BDSM ropes that is.”

No sooner had Brutus Campbell looked at the photo of the black man in drag then the photo of the white raced fat ugly blimp (that Pan Goatee had sent him) appeared to him.

“Egad! I’m blind! I’m blind!” Brutus Campbell shouted in what a Master’s Degree student in Classical Greek (who was writing his Master’s thesis on the plays of Sophocles) considered the worst performance of Oedipus Rex that he had ever seen as he walked by.

. . .

The toupee wearing man they call Donald Trump was en route to Singapore.

As he noticed red spider monkey fur dandruff drops falling out of his toupee, he wondered if there were any porn stars aboard the plane ✈️ who would be willing to give him a blow job.

He asked one of his aides to find him one.

Trump had just been attending the G-7 Summit in La Malbaie in the Canadian province of Quebec.

Originally Trump had signed on to the La Malbaie G-7 Summit communique but after watching a televised statement that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made at a press conference, the U.S. leader threw a temper tantrum and instructed his aides to say he was now signing off.

As Trump thought about how well he was personally defending the interests of American labour, industry and agriculture, he bit into a piece of Alberta grown steak 🥩 that he had asked be prepared for him.

As Trump bit into the steak 🥩 that had been prepared for him by the Cactus 🌵 Club restaurant in downtown Calgary, he choked on the extremely tough piece of meat.

“There will be Hell to pay for this,” Trump shouted as he angrily sent a text message to Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 9th
2018.

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Renfield vs. The Iranian Revolutionary Guard: The Advent of Hagane-kyu

May 8, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Vs. The Iranian Revolutionary Guard- The Advent of Hagane-kyu

It was a day like no other.

May 8th 2018.

73 years since V-E Day – the end of the Second World War in Europe.

Donald Trump announced that the U.S. was pulling out of the nuclear deal with Iran.

Israel had hit a Syrian Army base outside Damascus killing at least 9 Iranian Revolutionary Guards.

It had also put its Armed Forces on alert in the Golan Heights expecting an Iranian military attack.

Donald Trump asked DARPA’s Dr. Faustus Imhotep to send Pan Goatee to Rome to slaughter a group of Iranian Revolutionary Guards who were planning to liberate the Vatican from the control of Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and The Vampiric Knights-Templar (who unknown to the world had been holding it hostage since October 13th of last year).

Ahriman the god of evil of the old Persian Zoroastrian religion had sent jinn under his control to astrally block Pan Goatee from doing that.

With Goatee blocked, DARPA was up shit creek.

In Havana, Cuba, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was meeting and drinking champagne with the Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike saying that anti-Semite promoters of Jewish conspiracy theories on the Net would quite rightly blame Israel and Benjamin Netanyahu for Trump pulling out of the Iran nuclear deal.

The emerging Middle East War would forever blacken Israel’s reputation in the rest of the world, Lilith told Pike.

Trump ordered DARPA to look elsewhere when Pan Goatee was tied up in chains and ropes by a BDSM inclined Persian female jinn.

“Find someone else who will kill those Revolutionary Guards in Rome,” Trump ordered Dr. Faustus Imhotep.

When it was discovered that British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who had just been given the name Hagane-kyu (which meant “Balls of Steel” in Japanese) by a group of Japanese Ninja assassins) was in Rome, he was immediately hired by CIA operatives in Rome to kill the Revolutionary Guards.

The Guards were in hiding at the Al Capone Trident Imports and Gifts For Bugs Moran Warehouse in Rome.

Renfield went to the garage dressed as a 1920s Chicago Police Department policeman.

He carried with him the machine gun that had been given him as a gift by Oliver North the newly appointed President of the National Rifle Association.

The same machine gun of which an astral replica was made by Dr. Cadbury Rocher and carried by a Renfield holographic image who crashed the Vladimir Putin Presidential Inauguration in Moscow yesterday.

Renfield entered the warehouse and blew the Iranian Revolutionary guardsmen away to kingdom come while singing the Elvis Presley song Heartbreak Hotel as he did so.

Renfield then dropped Valentine’s Day teddy bears all over the bodies of the guardsmen.

He left singing another Elvis song, “Treat me nice, treat me good, treat me like you really should because I’m not made of wood and I don’t have a wooden heart..”

At that point, the Syro-Phoenician vampiress Astarte entered the warehouse and revelled in all the blood on the walls and on the floor:

https://pin.it/4upi5wbf32yrjo

“It’s a real blood bath 🦇 🛀,” she laughed and used her serpentine tongue to lick up all the blood.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 8th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s DARPA Experiment

January 2, 2018 at 8:55 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee’s DARPA Experiment

The head of DARPA who went by the code name of Enigma was reading a report written by DARPA’s most preeminent contract assassin the genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

In it, Pan Goatee was making a proposal to raise the collective intelligence of the human race.

In it, Pan Goatee argued that ugly looking women should be eliminated because not only were such creatures ugly but they were generally quite stupid as well.

Pan Goatee also submitted an expense deduction to be sent to DARPA accounting.

Pan Goatee had hired and flown into the U.S. a pot smoking Vancouverite from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

What, Enigma wondered, did Pan Goatee want with a pot smoking Vancouverite?

The answer became clear later in the day when a TV news story surfaced that a marijuana toking individual was manning a sidewalk booth where he was handing out free samples of a drink called Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Nanite Earl Grey Tea.

The one catch was the drink would be handed out to ugly looking women only.

After drinking the tea, each ugly looking woman’s head would explode.

Enigma figured that the reason Pan Goatee hired a pot smoking Vancouverite to hand out the tea samples was because only someone who was stoned out of his mind would be able to handle the sight of so many ugly looking women approaching him at once.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 2nd
2018.

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Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U. S. Medal of Honour

December 21, 2017 at 10:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee To Be Nominated For U.S. Medal of Honour

U.S. President Donald Trump was looking at the work that DARPA hired assassin Pan Goatee had done for that agency.

President Trump said to his aide, “I’m going to nominate Pan Goatee to receive the U.S. Medal of Honour.”

“But sir, Mr. Goatee isn’t officially a member of any of the Armed Services of the United States which is a qualification necessary to receive the award,” said the aide.

“So,” Trump shrugged, “I’ll sign a proclamation making him a member of the U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. That way all our branches will be honoured when he gets the award.”

“But it would be a controversial decision,” said his aide, “because as a hobby, Pan Goatee is a serial killer who specializes in killing ugly women.”

“Killing ugly women?” Trump looked at his aide, “Well, then he definitely deserves the U.S. Medal of Honour. I’m going to sign his nomination papers now.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 21st
2017.

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