Trump’s Norwegian Blue Parrot, An Alcoholic Hag and A Portrait of Lord Byron

March 16, 2019 at 8:17 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Donald Trump had a bunch of papers in front of him as Lexington his English butler and valet poured the tea.

“More summaries of your opponents’ tweets from across the world, sir?” Lexington asked.

“Not today, Lexington,” Trump replied, “Today I’m reading field reports from DARPA operatives across the world.”

“And where is that report doused with the most hideous looking and awful smelling blood stains from?” Lexington asked as he closed his eyes and held his nose.

“That would be Pan Goatee reporting from Calgary, Alberta, Canada,” Trump answered.

“Most Calgary white women are quite repulsively ugly, most Calgary white women are quite repulsively ugly,” Trump’s Norwegian blue parrot insightfully commented from atop his perch.

“Sounds like your parrot has read the report before you,” Lexington remarked.

“Sounds like it,” Trump had to admit.

. . .

Pan Goatee left the mall in the immigrant neighbourhood where he lived.

So far his day had gone well.

He had not yet encountered a repulsively ugly looking white woman – which was the result of a Norse trickster god Loki administered genetic hybrid breeding program gone hellishly beyond Hell.

Then his luck ran out.

The hazards of not being Irish the day before Saint Patrick’s Day.

A repulsive ugly looking white woman with a huge 24 can pack of Labatt’s beer emerging from a nearby liquor store stepped in front of him.

“Ah fuck!” Goatee exclaimed, “Just what the world needs at the moment, another hideous looking alcoholic hag!”.

Goatee beheaded the horror that came from beneath Baphomet’s Petri dish.

And with one full swoop of his astral laser machete, he simultaneously robbed both Alcoholics Anonymous and Uglos Anonymous of a potential new member.

. . .


Portrait of Lord Byron

“For a moment, I thought Lord Byron was giving me the raised middle finger,” British Prime Minister Theresa May gasped as she unveiled the painting in the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.

“That will come later,” British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn remarked.

Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde admiring art gallery owner sighed as his living dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie’s fingers started peeling off his hands as he carried around a tray of cheese and crackers to the various art show patrons.

He hated having politicians showing up to these events.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron was considering hosting a major art exhibit of 19th Century French Impressionists in the near future.

And the thought occurred to him that he should invite both America’s Donald Tump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-un to the opening.

After all, Macron thought as he ate a Kit Kat bar, what could possibly go wrong?

Outside the French Presidential Palace, a Kraken wearing a yellow vest was crawling up the side of the building.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 16th
2019.

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The Cosmic Origins of P.H. Lovecat

February 4, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Music, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

His name was Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour.

P. H. Felinedamour for short.

He was an artist.

An artist inspired by the writings of H.P. Lovecraft.

Many Lovecraftian entities showed up in his paintings.

And in the art show that Dashwood Forrest (the Oscar Wilde admiring owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London) would be opening tonight in his gallery, the last painting that Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour ever painted – from December 21st 2012 (the same night that he disappeared) – would be on pre-eminent display in the middle of the gallery for this art show.

Dashwood Forrest was currently showing the painting to British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his date for this evening Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.

Renfield was bringing Lepardia to the gallery as a way of saying thanks to the cultural attache for saving the Transhumanist MP’s life this past weekend.

Lepardia had stopped an assasination attempt on Renfield by wrestling to the ground the Russian vampiress and FSB operative Svetlana Kireeva.

The incident occurred in the final match of a darts tournament being held at the Clytemnestra’s Revenge and Agamemnon’s Bathtub Pub and Beef House.

The wrestling match between mortal woman and immortal (unless staked through the heart) vampiress caused Renfield to lose the tournament by wrecking his final throw.

Svetlana had intended to assasinate Renfield by firing a poison dart at him with an Amazon tribesman’s blow gun.

Instead the dart hit the left foot of the American Jesuit priest Father Neville Barack Chamberlain (who was theological advisor to New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan advising His Eminence on how to take a firm stand on the most pressing doctrinal and moral issues of the day) causing a paralysis in the priest’s right testicle in an example of acupuncture and chi energy gone horribly wrong.

Lepardia and Renfield gazed at the P.H. Felinedamour painting entitled

Artemis, Cthulhu, Diana’s Sacred Deer and Hecate’s Familiar Black Cat With Clytemnestra Holding A Net and Agamemnon Screaming In The Nude In The Background.

“So that was the last painting he ever painted?” Renfield asked the London art gallery owner as he downed a reddish pink with shades of China blue shooter called Vincent Van Gogh’s Missing Ear.

Ariana Grande walked by in a slit skirted evening dress that prominently displayed her new “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo.

The singer was eating Honey Dipped Chicken Fingers from McDonalds.

No doubt Bill Clinton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson would have loved to have been flies on the wall (or even better, flies on the floor) as the lovely Miss Grande walked by.

“That is correct,” Forrest bowed to Renfield as Renfield crushed and killed a pair of flies on the floor with his right shoe.

Forrest’s personal secretary arrived on the scene to inform the Oscar Wilde lookalike London art gallery owner that his living dead Irish manservant and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie had just accidentally spilled barbecued chicken wings hors d’oeuvres down the evening dress of British Prime Minister Theresa May.

“Excuse me,” Forrest whispered to Renfield and Lepardia as his face turned as pale as the portrait of Dorian Gray and he rushed in the direction of the catastrophe.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 4th
2019.


Ariana Grande: Showing off her “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo at the P.H. Lovecat (Felinedamour) Art Show.

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Dashwood Forrest’s iPhone FaceTime Chat With Ivanka Trump

September 5, 2018 at 10:09 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Dashwood Forrest’s iPhone FaceTime Chat With Ivanka Trump

Dashwood Forrest the owner of The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London England was going to have an iPhone FaceTime chat with a good friend and good client Ivanka Trump the daughter of the U.S. President.

He had already dialled the number and Ivanka’s face appeared on his iPhone screen.

She appeared to be unaware that they had connected and was busy writing something down on a notebook.

She knocked the iPhone down on top of the notebook and Dashwood was getting an extremely close-up view of her writing.

Ivanka picked up the iPhone when she suddenly noticed she had a live connection.

“Dashwood, is that you?” She asked.

“Yes, it’s me, Dashwood Forrest, Dublin born and raised man about London town and gentleman Extraordinaire,” the Oscar Wilde admiring art historian replied.

Ivanka looked at her Rolex watch.

“I guess this was the time we said we were going to talk, wasn’t it?” She noted the time.

“It was,” Forrest answered.

“You didn’t by chance see what I had written in that notebook did you when I knocked my iPhone down on top of it?” Ivanka looked worried.

“No, the writing was a bit too close up for me to read anything,” Forrest answered.

“Thank God,” Ivanka looked relieved.

“Say, Mr. Forrest,” Mulligan the Irish zombie 🧟‍♂️ who was Dashwood Forrest’s living day manservant suddenly appeared in the room alongside Forrest holding a copy of The New York Times in one hand and a pint of Guinness in the other, “Did you read this anonymous editorial in The New York Times by some high-ranking Trump Administration official saying they’re working hard to protect the American people from Trump? I wonder who that person might be?”.

“Jesus,” Ivanka turned red and disconnected the call.

“Mulligan, I wish you wouldn’t wear that Nude Photo of Golda Meir t-shirt in public nor come barging into the office unannounced wearing it while I’m on FaceTime,” Forrest scolded, “you often frighten people off that way even more than your zombie 🧟‍♂️ look.”

Meanwhile at her desk, Ivanka wiped the perspiration off her forehead.

Meanwhile her father had just tweeted TREASON!

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 5th
2018.

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The Welsh Vampiress Morgana Encounters Dracul In A London Cemetery

July 29, 2018 at 10:43 pm (Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, painting, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana Encounters Dracul In A London Cemetery

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana was waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in a London cemetery.

The British Transhumanist MP for the constituency of Newbridge in Wales 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 was trying to track down the location of the Ring of Solomon in Israel on behalf of the British government and Set Enterprises.

The Ring of Solomon was the ring that Israel’s King Solomon used to control both demons and djinn 🧞‍♀️ 🧞‍♂️ to help him build a Temple to God in Jerusalem.

It had been found in Jerusalem back on December 11th 1917 when British General Edmund Allenby captured the city from the Ottoman Turks.

Allenby had ordered the ring hidden.

He had the location of the ring hidden in code in an oil painting that Allenby had commissioned be painted of his good friend the late Sir Simon Baskerville after the British spymaster’s assassination by Intelligence agents of the German Kaiser.

The oil painting had stood in plain view in the abandoned halls of Baskerville Hall until this past Saturday.

Baskerville Hall was currently owned by London art gallery dealer Dashwood Forrest.

Morgana had got her good friend the maker of Britain’s best frozen steak and kidney pie dinners millionaire Sir Rodney Fahrenham to purchase the painting from Forrest.

Forrest had gone to the Baskerville Hall estate in Devon yesterday to pick up the painting of Sir Simon Baskerville.

And there in the empty frame where the portrait had been- stood- Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal- the vampiress who along with the Vampiric Knights-Templar had been secretly controlling the Vatican since October 13th of last year.

Allatallahbel had flashed a wicked vampiress smile – bearing her vampiric incisors at the Oscar Wilde admiring flamboyant London art gallery dealer.

An astral projected image of a talking otter (who was vigorously holding a bottle of bourbon in one of his flippers) that was being astral projected by DARPA headquarters in the U.S. urged Dashwood to “Run, Forrest, run.”

The talking otter need say no more (and indeed he didn’t- for he immediately started drinking from the bottle of bourbon).

Forrest ran as fast as his legs could carry him.

While the halls of Baskerville Hall rang out with the sinister vampiress laughter of Allatallahbel.

Beneath the great majestic staircase of Baskerville Hall, The Vampiric Knights-Templar stood like choir boys and sang,

“Deck the halls with laughs of vampiress- fang-la-la-la-la…”

Morgana had contacted Dracul Van Helsing for advice on how to get the portrait painting of Sir Simon Baskerville back from Allatallahbel and the Vampiric Knights-Templar.

Dracul Van Helsing approached the Welsh Vampiress Morgana.

He was stark naked.

For he had been drinking bottles of Coca-Cola all afternoon and was quite over caffeinated.

As such, he had forgot to put any clothes on.

Furious, Morgana ordered Dracul to lie across her skirted and silk pantyhose lap as she sat on a gravestone and then pulled out a large wooden hairbrush that she used to give the vampire hunter a spanking he’d never forget.

When she had finished, Dracul mounted Morgana and made wild passionate love to her.

The Hindu god Shiva had been walking by the cemetery with his wife Kali at the time.

Both deities were in London attending the grand opening of London’s latest world class curry 🍛 restaurant serving the best Indian food outside India.

As Dracul and Morgana both came, Shiva remarked to Kali, “That’s the greatest explosion 💥 I’ve seen since Dr. J. Robert Oppenheimer detonated the first atomic bomb at the Trinity test in New Mexico on July 16th 1945 and quoted the Bhagavad Gita, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” “

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 29th
2018.

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The Hall of The Baskervilles: A Poem

July 28, 2018 at 9:44 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Hall of The Baskervilles: A Poem

The hall of the Baskervilles stands empty now
Only living creature seen is a neighbour’s stray cow
It’s been over a century since Sherlock Holmes cracked the case
of this spectral hound who lacked amazing grace
Sir Henry Baskerville has taken Mrs. Stapleton for his bride
as Holmes and Watson left the moor in a carriage ride
Sir Henry and his wife only had one son
An only child- Simon full of spark and fun

During the Great War, Simon Baskerville served as a spy
He arranged the fall of Zeppelins from the sky
So great and masterful a spy was he
pissing off the High Command of Germany
Kaiser Wilhelm II personally ordered his death
“This last Baskerville must soon be devoid of breath”
And so the order went out to German Intelligence Agent Count von Klamp
A man who dated a sexy Valkyrie vamp
He sent the vamp to England fair
This vampiress with Aryan blonde hair
She seduced Simon on a dark and stormy night
The kind that gives Bulwer-Lytton’s prose a fright
And Simon had from his body every ounce of his manly blood drained
While outside the thunder roared as storm clouds rained

Simon was knighted posthumously
by George V in full ceremony
Count von Klamp attended the funeral knighting in disguise
while the Valkyrie wore dark glasses over her eyes

Today Baskerville Hall stands deserted and desolate
Preservation efforts made quite the mess of it
On some nights locals say the demonic hound can still be seen
Devil’s hound instead of God’s Lamb in Devon’s pastures green

And in the empty Baskerville Hall
Dashwood Forrest walked examining the wall
He was looking for a portrait painting of Sir Simon
He had a buyer a millionaire Steak Kidney 🥧 pie man

He came to the place on the wall it was supposed to be
And there stood Allatallahbel in all her vampiress glory

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal standing in front of an empty portrait picture frame in Baskerville Hall

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 28th
2018.

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The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth

June 19, 2018 at 11:10 pm (Art, Arts, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, painting, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol sighed as he put down the phone at Interpol headquarters in Lyon, France.

Despite Pope Francis’ recent pronouncement on the subject, all Hell was quite literally breaking loose upon the world.

And to top it off his associate who was his ally in battling evil supernatural forces the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was nowhere to be found.

The first example of something majorly supernatural happening in this sixth month of the Year of Our Lord 2018 was that the famous legendary ghost ship The Flying Dutchman had just been spotted in the harbour of Port Elizabeth South Africa 🇿🇦.

Hundreds of people had seen the ship according to Port Elizabeth police reports and eyewitness statements.

But the really strange thing about the incident was these same eyewitnesses tried to take photos of the ship with their smart phones or in a few rare cases those old fashioned instruments known as the Polaroid, Kodak and Nikon cameras 📷.

But in every single instance where a picture was taken of the Flying Dutchman entering Port Elizabeth harbour, the photo (be it on smart phone or Polaroid or Kodak or Nikon camera) turned out to be a photograph of Donald Trump wearing a pair of Canadian shoes with his British valet and butler Lexington hitting them with a hammer trying to make them look old and scruffy.

In those instances where people tried to shoot a video of the Flying Dutchman entering Port Elizabeth harbour, the same image would appear only in motion and with sound.

The video showed Lexington playing an old 1920s gramophone in the background so that Donald Trump’s pair of Canadian shoes 👞 would sound old as well.

Fortunately for posterity as far as Peter Whitstable was concerned, it so happened that the great South African artist SAREJESS (whose real name was Timothy Wood but who painted under the nom-de-plume SAREJESS which was a combination of the first letters of his 3 daughters’ names Sarah, Rebecca and Jessica) happened to be on the yacht The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean at the time.

The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean was owned by the Irish Greek shipping tycoon Heraclitus O’ Spazzis who being blind (after a tragic visit to the City of Calgary) had recently proposed marriage to Hillary Clinton should she ever become a widow.

SAREJESS had been hired as a guide by O’Spazzis to take him out to the best fishing spots off Port Elizabeth.

The yacht was returning to the harbour after O’ Spazzis had caught an amazing 153 fishes when the Flying Dutchman appeared.

“What’s all the excitement about?” The blind O’ Spazzis asked as he ate his Guinness laced shepherd’s pie 🥧 and his Ouzo laced lamb Souvlaki and heard loud and excited cries coming from shore.

“It’s the Flying Dutchman,” his skipper Hades Charon answered.

“Damn, I wish I could see it,” O’ Spazzis sipped his Doppelgänger (a drink that was a deadly combination of 1/2 Guinness and 1/2 ouzo), “Stupid Calgary cowboys letting their fat ugly cows wander on the city streets like that.”

Venus O’ Hara the executive assistant to Mr. O’ Spazzis took a picture of the Flying Dutchman with her smart phone and then exclaimed, “Damn! All I got was a picture of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes across the Alberta-Montana border.”

On the yacht’s radio, Madonna could be heard singing, “You keep on pushing my love over the borderline…”

Hades Charon tried to record a video with his smart phone and got the same imagery showing up.

On the video Trump could be heard saying, “It’s because of illegal shoe smuggling that we need to put tariffs on Canada…”

“… feels like I’m going to lose my mind…” Madonna continued singing.

Fortunately, Timothy (aka SAREJESS) had remembered to bring his paintbrush 🖌, a palette 🎨, a canvas and his paints with him.

Timothy sat down on board the deck of the yacht The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean and immediately started painting a picture of the Flying Dutchman within sight of the modern skyline of the city of Port Elizabeth South Africa.

The yacht lay anchored there for the next several hours while Tim painted his picture.

When he had finished, the Flying Dutchman ghost ship then turned around and sailed out of the harbour.

“Shit! It’s leaving!” Several voices exclaimed on shore, “And what’s up with all these fucking pics of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes across the border anyways?”.

Peter Whitstable gazed at the photo of the SAREJESS painting entitled The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth.

“Well at least this image has been recorded for posterity,” Whitstable smiled, “what a great moment in art history.”

Meanwhile on the Port Elizabeth beach, the famous London art historian, curator and art gallery owner Dashwood Forrest sat sipping a Mai Tai.

His living dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish Zombie 🧟‍♂️ sat drinking a glass of Jameson Irish Whiskey 🥃 attempting to paint 🎨 a picture of the Flying Dutchman with his paintbrush 🖌 on canvas.

“How are you coming, Mulligan?” Forrest asked.

“By all the blessed saints in their ongoing cosmic wrestling match with the demon Mephistopheles,” Mulligan bellyached as he rubbed his stomach, “this paintbrush seems to have a mind of its own. All I get is a picture of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes 👞 across the Canada-U.S. border.”

“Real geniuses don’t get caught smuggling shoes,” Forrest remarked as he looked at the painting which showed Robert Mueller holding a pair of handcuffs as Trump crossed the border wearing a pair of shoes emblazoned with the Canadian maple 🍁 leaf and the Canadian beaver.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 19th
2018.

If you wish to own the original of this amazing SAREJESS painting The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth

please contact Timothy Wood at his South African phone number:

084 996 5316

or if you just wish to own a limited edition personally autographed print of the painting, also contact Tim at the same number:

084 996 5316

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Reblog of Dashwood Forrest Meets Ivanka Trump

May 18, 2018 at 10:43 pm (Art, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago:

Dracul Van Helsing

Dashwood Forrest stood in the middle of his hotel room dressed like Gainsborough’s Blue Boy and stared at himself in the full length mirror on the wall.

“I’m beginning to have some idea of how Narcissus must have felt when he saw his own reflection,” Dashwood swooned.

There was a knock at the door.

“Mulligan, would you please answer that,” Dashwood called out to his Irish zombie manservant, “and please put a towel over your head. I don’t want you frightening anybody like you did the cleaning staff this morning. It took a $50 tip to bring them back again.”

Mulligan put a towel over his head and went to open the door.

He crashed into several lamps on his way to find the door.

“Watch where you’re going, Mulligan!” Dashwood exclaimed.

“It’s rather difficult to see where I’m going wearing a towel over my head,” Mulligan complained as he…

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The U.S. Embassy Opens In Jerusalem On Israel’s 70th Anniversary As A Nation

May 14, 2018 at 11:55 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Egyptian vampiress Isis arriving at the opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem:

The U. S. Embassy Opens In Jerusalem On Israel’s 70th Anniversary As A Modern Nation

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu got a huge erection when he saw her.

The Egyptian vampiress Isis arriving at the opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem.

Coincidentally at the same time as he called U.S. President Donald Trump the “reincarnation of the Persian king Cyrus.”

In Rome, Pope Francis (who didn’t have an erection as he watched the ceremony on television) retrieved the Handbook of Catholic Christian Dogma from his garbage can (where he had placed it since his election to the Papacy) as he couldn’t remember whether the Catholic Church believed in reincarnation or not.

If it did, it could be a dogma he could deny at some future date.

U. S. President Donald Trump (when he began his address via television) likewise got an erection when he saw Isis arrive at the U.S. Embassy Jerusalem opening on his television monitor.

“At this very moment, you have absolutely no idea how much I want to be there in person…” Trump began.

Rudy Giuliani was meanwhile thinking of a prophecy about storms in the (cheque) Book of Daniels.

Several Hamas operatives smashed their motor vehicles into one another (killing each other in the process) upon seeing Isis (the nice knockers in a see-through dress vampiress not the terrorist group) arrive at the Embassy opening.

The famous London art gallery owner Dashwood Forrest who was a personal friend of Ivanka Trump was also there along with his living dead manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie.

Even though Dashwood Forrest was gay, he too was overcome with an erection upon seeing the sensuously beautiful young looking vampiress Isis.

I hope my boyfriend isn’t watching this at home, Forrest thought to himself as the BBC World News camera panned in on him.

Katy Perry’s lyrics “I kissed a girl and I liked it…” kept running through his mind.

“I hereby declare the U. S. Embassy in Jerusalem officially open on this 14th day of May in the Year of Our Lord 2018- the 70th Anniversary of the birth of the modern State of Israel 🇮🇱,” Ivanka Trump pronounced as she unveiled the plaque next to the Embassy front door.

Both Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Pope Francis winced when she used the term Year of Our Lord.

Ivanka Trump went over and hugged Dashwood Forrest after the plaque unveiling as soon as she saw him.

“Well,” Ivanka laughed a little taken aback after hugging the Oscar Wilde admiring London art gallery owner, “is that a paintbrush 🖌 in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”.

She brushed off her white skirt.

“You’ve always had that effect on me, my dear,” Dashwood Forrest laughed.

“Suicide bomber,” Mulligan the Irish zombie shouted as soon as he saw him.

Mulligan landed on top of the Lebanese Hezbollah operative (who was wearing such dark sunglasses that he never noticed the extreme sunblock wearing vampiress Isis) just as he detonated the explosives.

As a result of Mulligan’s drunken heroic actions, the only ones injured in the explosion 💥 was the suicide bomber himself as well as Dashwood Forrest’s living dead Irish manservant who went totally to pieces as a result of the rescue.

Both Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Iran’s Supreme Leader the Ayatollah Ali Khameini cried in their beer 🍺 when they saw the death of the Hezbollah operative.

“I don’t think I’m quite dead yet,” the moving lips on the head of Mulligan the Irish zombie impersonated an Englishman believed to have succumbed to the bubonic plague in the movie Monty Python and The Holy Grail.

“Well,” Dashwood Forrest picked up one of Mulligan’s middle fingers, “this looks like a job for Dr. Cadbury Rocher.”

Meanwhile in London, Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher put on his Superman costume as he headed out to a Costume Ball in London on a lovely May evening.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 14th
2018.

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Reblog of An Evening At The Mermaid Art Exhibit

April 30, 2018 at 10:39 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Arts, Culture, Fantasy, Folklore, Humour, Mythology, painting, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago about an evening at the mermaid art exhibit which turned out to be as riotous as the Marx Brothers’ night at the opera:

Dracul Van Helsing

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Sir Nigel Blake-Lenin the curator of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery announced to those gathered at the Mermaid Art Exhibit’s opening night, “regrettably the artist Miss Charmaine Olivia will not be able to be with us this evening…”

The crowd moaned and groaned their disappointment.

“Yes,” Sir Nigel Blake-Lenin sighed in sympathy, “Miss Olivia ate some rather bad tuna fish sandwiches earlier this evening that she had thought had come from the Exhibit caterers but they turned out to have been brought in by a mysterious third party…”

“So she’s the one who ate all my tuna fish sandwiches that I had brought with me tonight,” Renfield seethed to Amadeus.

“Then you might have been the one who came down with food poisoning,” Amadeus pointed out.

“I guess every cloud has a silver lining,” Renfield grinned.

A dark cloud appeared over the gallery and an American silver…

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Dashwood Forrest and Mulligan The Irish Zombie On O’ Connell Street In Dublin

March 18, 2018 at 10:55 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Dashwood Forrest and Mulligan The Irish Zombie On O’ Connell Street In Dublin

Dashwood Forrest and his manservant Mulligan the Irish ☘️ Zombie 🧟‍♂️ were having breakfast 🥞 🍳 in a restaurant at a hotel on O’ Connell Street in Dublin.

Mulligan was nursing a king sized hangover having drank too many glasses of Kilkenny Irish Cream Ale on the Hill of Tara in County Meath for Saint Patrick’s Day yesterday.

He did give away one of his glasses of Kilkenny to a golden cobra named Maitreya who was undergoing an old Celtic Pagan ritual to make the snake the High King of Ireland.

But he did so in a hypnotic state (which would be the only possible state in which Mulligan the Irish Zombie 🧟‍♂️ would give away an alcoholic beverage that happened to be in his possession).

“If you don’t mind my saying so, you look to be in awfully bad shape,” the waiter said to Mulligan.

“That’s because I’ve got a hangover,” Mulligan answered while drinking tomato juice laced with three raw eggs 🥚 and Worcestershire sauce.

“You also look to be dead,” the waiter remarked as some of Mulligan’s decomposing flesh fell on his breakfast plate of kipper and poached eggs.

“I am,” Mulligan started leaking tomato juice and Worcestershire sauce from his armpits, “I’m a zombie.”

“If you’re a zombie, then why aren’t you sitting in the Dail (Irish Parliament)?” The waiter asked.

“There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t ask myself that very question,” Mulligan was debating with himself on whether or not he should order a Guinness as he noticed the old antique clock on the hotel restaurant wall was only 1 minute away from 12 noon.

“Who raised you from the dead?” The waiter asked.

“It was a South African witch doctor called Dr. Sterling Makabo who raised me from the dead,” Mulligan cut himself a slice of kipper and put it on his fork, “although he had actually been hired to raise my neighbour who was buried next to me in the cemetery from the dead but his corpse was still at his wake. A wake that apparently went on for fourteen days I might add. So when my neighbour did not answer Doctor Makabo’s call, I decided to do so. With the result that I’m now living the life of Riley.”

“Riley was the name of the man in the grave next to him,” Dashwood Forrest explained, “the fellow that Dr. Makabo was supposed to raise from the dead but his body was still at his wake as his buddies had been drinking so much, they forgot to take him to both his funeral and burial services.”

“Only in Ireland 🇮🇪 would this happen,” the waiter shook his head.

“I would have to agree,” Dashwood Forrest smelled the rose in his lapel.

At that moment on the television in the restaurant, the image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared to comment on Vladimir Putin’s landslide Presidential election 🗳 victory in Russia 🇷🇺.

As Renfield pointed to a photo of Putin and made Freemasonic death by disembowelling gestures with his hands that would send YouTube conspiracy theory channel hosts into a whirlwind of frenzy, Mulligan remarked to Dashwood Forrest, “There’s the fellow who saved me from drowning in a bowl of punch at your mermaid 🧜‍♀️ painting art exhibit in London last year.”

“Was that before or after you became a zombie 🧟‍♂️?” The waiter asked.

“After,” Mulligan replied, “My mortal pre-zombie life came to an end when I drowned in a vat of Guinness.”

And speaking of Guinness, the antique clock in the restaurant struck 12 noon.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 18th
2018.

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