Donald Trump: I’m The Second Coming of God and There’s Something Rotten In The State of Denmark

August 21, 2019 at 10:48 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Donald Trump: I’m The Second Coming of God and There’s Something Rotten In The State of Denmark

Donald Trump was sitting up in his high chair in the White House dining room with a bib around his neck and his arms folded and was busy pouting, “Well, I’m not going to go to Denmark if I can’t buy Greenland. I’m going to cancel my state visit to Denmark so there.”

“Very good, sir,” Lexington his British butler and valet sighed, “Are you planning on finishing your mashed peas?”.

He pointed towards Trump’s plate.

“No, I’m not,” Trump answered in petulant fashion, “I don’t have to eat my mashed peas if I don’t want to.”

The President threw his spoon on the floor in a childish temper tantrum.

Lexington removed the spoon from the floor and the plate of mashed peas from the President’s high chair tray.

When Lexington left the room, Trump turned his attention to his long suffering teddy bear in the next high chair and started complaining to him, “WAAAAH! Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen called my offer to buy Greenland “absurd”. How dare she call it absurd! Calling it an absurd idea. That was a nasty thing to say. All she had to say was “no”. But she called it an absurd idea. That was so nasty! What sort of person goes around saying nasty things?”.

Trump picked up his smart phone and quickly tweeted that Jews who voted for the Democratic Party were “traitors”.

He also tweeted more uncomplimentary language about the 4 Democratic Congresswomen whom he now referred to as “AOC plus three”.

Lexington returned with Donald Trump’s dessert and put it down on the high chair tray in front of the President.

“Lexington!” Trump ordered, “I want you to call Ivanka and get her to summon an emergency meeting of the cabinet and national security council. I’m going to sign an Executive Order proclaiming that all Cinnamon Danish buns bought and sold in the U.S. can no longer be called Cinnamon Danish buns. They’ll have to be called Cinnamon Florida buns. Florida is a great state. Denmark isn’t. There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

“Very good, sir,” Lexington left the dining room to call Ivanka.

Trump turned his attention back to his long suffering teddy bear, “Teddy, you know what a conservative political commentator said about me and Israeli Jews. He said Israeli Jews (who aren’t traitors) think of me as the new King of Israel and the Second Coming of God.”

Despite his inanimate state, the long suffering teddy bear grimaced into a sheer expression of horror (the same expression that Mr. Bean’s teddy bear had on his face the night Mr. Bean lost his virginity).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Wednesday August 21st
2019.


Summoning the spirit behind the new King of Israel and the 2nd Coming of God

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Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield

August 17, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had all the ingredients to make a Ralph Petley Jones Special Grilled Cheese Sandwich save one (the recipe was developed by a famous Welsh ex-Mountie who once owned an acreage near Fairmont Hot Springs in British Columbia).

The recipe consisted of putting huge slabs of butter on four slices of bread.

Then put a large slice of cheese on each of the four slices of bread.

Then put several large slices of onion on each slice of cheese.

Then put another large slice of cheese atop the onions on each slice of bread.

Then put the slices of bread together so you’ve got two huge sandwiches.

Put in the oven or microwave until the cheese melts.

And voila! Delicisio! 

Goatee had plenty of butter and plenty of bread and plenty of onions.

But alas! No cheese slices.

So he walked to the grocery store to buy some.

He was in luck as there were both cheese slices in the store as well as loads of beautiful women walking around the store (something very rare indeed for the city he lived in!).

After Goatee had purchased his cheese slices, he walked out the door.

The poor satyr serial killer’s luck ran out as a fat ugly blimp came waddling up the sidewalk pushing a grocery cart.

To the right on the other side of the fat ugly blimp, there was an extremely stupid looking guy standing on the sidewalk looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart.

Because of the said inconsiderate idiot standing there holding an empty grocery cart, it made it difficult for Goatee to maneuver past the fat ugly blimp as the elephantine sized creature took up a wide portion of the sidewalk.

Goatee immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp remarking, “That’s what you get for not making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight this year and for not buying environmentally friendly paper bags to put over your head when you go out in public.”

Goatee then kicked the fat ugly blimp’s head as far as McMahon Stadium where the sight of the fat ugly blimp’s head landing on the football field caused the Calgary Stampeders to lose their first home CFL game to the visiting Montreal Alouettes since 2009.

Behind the beheaded fat ugly blimp was the blimp’s mother who surprisingly was a fairly good looking woman.

However on the other side of the mother was the beheaded fat ugly blimp’s fat ugly blimp younger sister.

“Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to emulate your elder siblings,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp younger sister.

“Now you’re not ugly but you gave birth to ugly children,” Goatee stated as he beheaded the mother, “Haven’t you ever heard of contraception and birth control?”.

The mother of blimps was far too dead to answer Goatee’s question.

Goatee then turned his attention to the stupid looking moron who was standing there looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart that took up another large part of the sidewalk.

“Because of your innate stupidity, asshole, in standing there looking like an idiot holding on to an empty grocery cart at the same time that fat ugly blimps are waddling down the sidewalk, it makes it difficult for decent folk to get by,” Goatee noted as he beheaded the said idiot.

The city’s collective IQ jumped by vast percentage points after Goatee had beheaded the said idiot.

Meanwhile down in the U.S. a foaming Donald Trump was meeting with a member of the U.S. State Department.

“Why did British authorities in Gibraltar release the Iranian oil tanker Grace 1 that most likely was carrying Iranian oil to Syria?” Trump foamed at the mouth as he fell over backwards.

“They most likely did it on the recommendation of one Renfield R. Renfield who’s Britain’s new Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering,” the State Department official answered.

“How dare this Renfield character do that!” Trump pounded his desk after getting back up in his chair, “What’s his Twitter user name? I’m going to tell that bastard off in one of my profound and brilliantly written Twitter tweets.”

“I’m afraid this Renfield R. Renfield doesn’t have a Twitter account,” the State Department official answered.

“What?” Trump started foaming at the mouth again, “What sort of person doesn’t have a Twitter account? How am I supposed to insult someone and cast my juvenile BS (to quote Rep. Ilhan Omar) opprobrium on them if they don’t have a Twitter account?”.

“I have no idea, sir,” the State Department official started watching an old silent movie on his smart phone.

“Besides which every moron in the world is supposed to have a Twitter account,” Trump proclaimed.

“Most do, sir,” the State Department official noted.

“See, I rest my case,” Trump smiled.

Meanwhile in the waters off Gibraltar, the Grace 1 had changed its name to the Adrian Darya while the ghostly ship wreckage of the Andrea Doria floated by.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 17th
2019.

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Renfield Discusses Jeffrey Epstein Photo of Bill Clinton With Amadeus While Trump Plots To Annex Greenland

August 16, 2019 at 10:15 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield Discusses Jeffrey Epstein Photo of Bill Clinton With Amadeus While Trump Plots To Annex Greenland 

“So Amadeus, did you see pictures of that photo of Bill Clinton that Jeffrey Epstein kept on the walls of his Manhattan mansion that the couple who visited there once took pictures of? It appeared in some of the London papers here,” Renfield R. Renfield asked his friend.

“No,” Amadeus shook his head as he ate his 11th full English breakfast even though it was now dinner time, “what photo was that?”.

“It was a photo of Bill Clinton wearing a blue dress and red pumps,” Renfield answered as he cross dressed his salad dressing.

“Jeffrey Epstein kept a photo of Bill Clinton wearing a blue dress and red pumps on his mansion walls?” Amadeus put his fork down.

“Apparently,” Renfield nodded.

“Does that mean Bill Clinton was a cross dresser?” Amadeus asked.

“That is definitely a possibility,” Renfield acknowleged, “It appears Hillary really wore the pants in that family in more ways than one.”

“And it was a blue dress you say?” Amadeus was suddenly grasping the irony of Bill’s choice of both attire and colour.

“Yes,” Renfield bit into a bacon and tomato sandwich, “which leads one to wonder who was the one actually wearing the blue dress when Bill got his stains all over over it? Monica or old Billy boy? Perhaps Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr should have checked whether the stains were on the inside or the outside of the dress.”

“This gives a whole new dimension to the Monica Lewinsky affair,” Amadeus ate his lox and cream cheese bagel.

Meanwhile in America, Donald Trump was complaining to Lexington his British butler and valet, “Can you believe all these politicians from Denmark and Greenland? They’re actually rejecting my offer to buy Greenland.”

“Leif Erikson and Erik the Red must be rolling over in their graves, sir,” Lexington answered.

“As well they should be,” said Trump who was considering uploading his consciousness into the east end of a cyborg horse facing west so that he could live forever.

“So what do you intend to do about it?” Lexington inquired.

“Maybe I should forcibly annex Greenland,” Trump replied.

“You mean like Hitler forcibly annexed Austria, the Sudetenland, the rest of Czechoslovakia and eventually Poland?” Lexington was astounded.

“Why not?” Trump pounded the desk, “What was good enough for Hitler is twice as good for me.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday August 16th
2019.

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Captain Kerry Donegal and The Ghost of Orson Welles

August 2, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Captain Kerry Donegal and The Ghost of Orson Welles

The ghost of Orson Welles was currently down at a cove on the coast of Cornwall.

He had recently been hired by Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the executive CEO of London’s Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. to direct a music video that Campbell was planning to enter in a Gilbert and Sullivan Music Video Contest sponsored by the BBC.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell thought that he would have a greater chance of winning the contest if he got the director of Citizen Kane to direct a video for him.

Welles had never directed a music video during his earthly life so he agreed.

He had been told that Dracul Van Helsing had once taken a scene out of The Lady From Shanghai (in which Welles had appeared with Rita Hayworth) and added the lyrics of a song by Blackmore’s Night as background soundtrack to the scene because Dracul noticed the lyrics of the song seemed to fit in exactly with this particular scene of the movie.

Dracul wanted to show the world that Welles was a cinematographic genius whose visual imagery was so breathtakingly brilliant, he could even produce a masterpiece music video for the early 21st Century from a movie scene shot in the late 1940s.

However Dracul’s intent was lost on most of the imbeciles who watch YouTube videos (those who are in this decade small penis male SJWs posting idiotic comments on social networking sites such as Twitter).

Some clueless individual wrote, “Why would you do this to such a great scene?”.

Someone complained to the higher ups at YouTube about the video 9 years ago and it was removed.

After discussion with Van Helsing, Welles thanked the vampire hunter for believing that he Welles was more than capable of directing a brilliant music video.

Welles had lit a spectral cigar and ordered a glass of spectral red wine in a London pub recently and wondered what Gilbert and Sullivan song he should do a music video for?

It was then that the ghost of the 18th Century Irish pirate captain of the Caribbean Captain Kerry Donegal walked through the door.

As soon as Welles saw him, Welles resolved to do the song Pirate King from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance.

And lucky for Welles, the ghost of Captain Kerry Donegal happened to have a very nice singing voice.

Donegal’s ghost agreed to do the video.

And so here was Welles down in a cove on the Cornish coast.

Captain Kerry Donegal’s ghost strolled into the waters of the cove cave and stood in front of a rocky entrance to the inlet with a replica of Donegal’s own pirate ship The Not So Green Shamrock in the background.

Donegal began singing, 

“Oh better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly
Than play a sanctimonious part 
With a pirate head and pirate heart 
Away to the cheating world go you
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I’ll be true to the song I sing 
And live and die a Pirate King
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing 
To be a Pirate King…”

At the same time as Welles was directing and shooting the scene with his movie cameras, Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell was also filming it on his smart phone.

The video recording was picked up by The Five Eyes Intelligence Network.

The video was flagged and sent to the U.S. NSA for analysis.

One of the leading NSA heads immediately went to Donald Trump to show him the video.

“What the (expletive deleted!)”, Trump said, “Those lines ‘Away to the cheating world go you Where pirates all are well-to-do’, never have I heard such a vicious attack on the best of American capitalism. That video must have been produced under the auspices of those four Democratic Congresswomen who really should be sent back to where they came from (if I only knew where that is) acting in collusion with Nicolas Maduro’s Venezuela.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday August 2nd 
2019.

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Mei-ling Manchu and The Manchester Tea House of The August Moon

August 1, 2019 at 10:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Mei-ling Manchu and The Manchester Tea House of The August Moon

The Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of the early 20th Century scientist Dr. Fu Manchu who was severely libelled and slandered by British novelist Sax Rohmer) sat in a Japanese tea house in Manchester, England.

The name of the tea house was Tea House of The August Moon named after the famous 1956 movie.

She would be meeting British MP Renfield R. Renfield (the new Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering) to exchange information.

“So,” Renfield asked as he sipped his tea, “how will Xi react to Donald Trump’s announcement today that the American Twitterer-In-Chief will slap a 10% tariff on another $300 billion of Chinese goods this coming September 1st?”.

Mei-ling opened her purse and pulled out a fortune cookie.

She handed the fortune cookie to Renfield.

“I’ve written down what his response will be on the message inside this fortune cookie,” she answered.

Renfield cracked open the fortune cookie and pulled out the slip of paper inside.

The slip of paper reached down to the floor as Renfield unfolded it.

“Wow, this is the longest fortune cookie message I’ve ever come across,” Renfield remarked as he finally finished unfolding the slip of paper.

“I want you to read it, memorize it and then eat it,” Mei-Ling directed, “that will prevent its content falling into the wrong hands.”

Renfield read and memorized the contents of the fortune cookie message.

Then he looked at Mei-ling, “You really want me to eat all this?”.

“Yes,” Mei-ling nodded.

The British MP started to eat the long slip of paper.

He had to pause and ask the tea house’s geisha girl dressed waitress for another tall glass of ice water every few minutes so he could wash down what he had eaten.

When he had finished eating the long slip of paper, Renfield remarked, “Well, I guess I won’t have to worry about having dinner tonight.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to know?” Mei-ling asked.

“It depends,” Renfield answered, “how many other fortune cookies with slips of paper do you have in your purse?”.

“That was the only one,” Mei-ling stated.

“All right,” Renfield started sipping his tea again, “I understand that PLA soldiers based in Hong Kong released a video today showing how they would deal with protestors. Is Xi planning to unleash the military on pro-democracy protestors in Hong Kong?”.

“Well the Black Dragon who’s his supernatural entity advisor is certainly encouraging him to do so,” Mei-ling sipped her tea.

“It appears I live in interesting times,” Renfield mused aloud.

“And so do we all,” Mei-ling smiled and then pointed at the table, “Are you going to eat your fortune cookie?”.

Renfield looked at the large pieces of the large fortune cookie that contained the long message.

He shook his head, “I don’t think so. I think I’ll take it home and give it to Amadeus. That should keep him full for all of two seconds.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 1st
2019.

The night Mei-ling Manchu became a vampiress almost 70 years ago

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Pan Goatee’s Uglocide Evening, Macron’s Whining, Malachi Martin Anniversary and Roy Cohn’s Pretty Boy

July 27, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Uglocide Evening, Macron’s Whining, Malachi Martin Anniversary and Roy Cohn’s Pretty Boy

Pan Goatee had just entered the grocery store and went to pick up a cart when a medium sized ugly looking blimp approached to pick up a cart.

Goatee beat the blimp in picking up a cart first and then promptly beheaded the blimp.

“One must show patience,” remarked some idiotic bystander.

“You can spend all eternity showing patience,” Goatee answered as he beheaded the man.

Goatee then picked up the items he wanted to buy and then went and stood in line at the cashier.

Some ugly looking female stoat-human hybrid (in one of the many genetics experiments in southern Alberta gone horribly wrong) then went and rudely walked down the aisle past the customers waiting in line just to exit instead of using the proper exit.

Goatee then leapt across cash registers, got in front of the ugly looking female stoat human hybrid and beheaded her with his astral machete remarking, “You’re the best argument ever against the erroneous concept of white supremacy.”

Goatee wished he could track down the Nazi criminals from Argentina who had settled down in Calgary back in the 1990s and performed horrendous and blasphemous genetic experiments whose rotten hideous looking fruit were now coming to fruition in the teens decade of the early 21st Century.

But the Nazi criminals having done their damage apparently fled elsewhere.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron sat in his office feeling depressed.

In addition to being turned down for quickies from all the older women he had propositioned in Parisienne sidewalk cafés on this Saturday evening, Donald Trump had tweeted a nasty tweet against him earlier this week.

Macron was thinking of imposing a digital sales tax on American corporate tech giants when they sold items over the Internet in France.

Trump tweeted that if Macron went ahead with this proposal, he Trump would impose a tariff on French wines when they were imported into America.

And then in the unkindest tweet of all, Trump had brutishly tweeted, “American wines are better than French wines.”

Now Macron sat at his desk drowning his sorrows in a bottle of Paul Masson wine.

. . .

“It was 20 years ago today that Malachi Martin the former Jesuit priest (who left the Jesuit order because it was too homosexual and too Marxist for his liking) and well known exorcist and popular best-selling author died,” Cardinal JM the head of the Vatican’s Secret Intelligence Service remarked to Samhain Cardinal Salaman a former professional stage magician turned Vatican cardinal.

“I remember hearing about that at the time,” Salaman remarked, “what caused his death?”.

“He apparently fell off a ladder while trying to retrieve a book from the top of his book shelf in his Manhattan New York apartment,” Cardinal JM sipped a Manhattan cocktail and ate a New York bagel, “although there are some people who believe he was pushed off that ladder.”

“By whom?” Cardinal Salaman asked.

“Well one theory is it was by demons,” Cardinal JM bit into a devilled egg, “and the other is it was by a priest or bishop or maybe even a cardinal who was full of the spirit of Vatican II.”

“I’ve heard that it was Malachi Martin’s book The Keys of This Blood that inspired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to become a geopolitical analyst,” Cardinal Salaman sipped his coffee.

“I’ve heard that too,” Cardinal JM shrugged, “anyhow Malachi Martin’s July 27th 1999 death couldn’t have come at a better time for the Vatican.”

“Why is that?” Salaman ate his baked salmon.

“Well the Jubilee year of 2000 was approaching and many people were pissed that the Catholic Church had never released the Third Secret of Fatima which it was supposed to have done in 1960 according to the Virgin Mary’s instructions,” Cardinal JM started eating a Belgian waffle, “but the Vatican plan after John XXIII was only to release the vision associated with the Third Secret not the text (Mary’s spoken words) of the Secret itself. However that posed a problem after Malachi Martin (who was the secretary to the Vatican Jesuit Cardinal Augustin Bea in 1960) left the Jesuit order. Martin as secretary to Cardinal Bea had read the Third Secret although he had taken an oath not to reveal it. And he never did reveal it. Although he dropped vague hints as to what was in it when he appeared on Art Bell’s Coast-To-Coast AM radio program back in the late 1990s. So the Vatican could never release the vision of the Third Secret and claim it was the text (Mary’s actual words) while Martin was still alive because then Father Martin would have said that the Vatican was full of you know what.”

Cardinal JM wiped his mouth with a napkin after eating a chocolate covered figure of a bull.

“Why doesn’t the Vatican want the text (Mary’s words) of the Third Secret released?” Cardinal Salaman asked.

“Well of course the Vatican has no problem with the global war or the fire falling from heaven causing tsunamis of steam to fall across the nations of the world everywhere or millions of people dying by the minute that’s mentioned in the Third Secret,” Cardinal JM cheerfully ate a gingerbread horse of the Apocalypse, “what it does have a problem with is Mary saying that Satan will infiltrate to the very top of the Church itself. Catholics across the world might stop dropping their money in the collection plate if word on that got out.”

“A wise decision indeed,” Cardinal Salaman bit into his Montreal smoked meat sandwich.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was in New York City.

What brought him to New York were appearances of notorious American lawyer Roy Cohn’s ghost appearing across the world.

Whitstable deduced that Hades and Persephone had granted Cohn’s ghost permission to leave the Underworld for some reason.

So Whitstable had gone to New York to find out more about Cohn’s background.

The Interpol detective knew that Cohn had been Chief Counsel to the notorious Wisconsin Senator Joe McCarthy back in the 1950s.

He had also represented and defended several New York City Italian crime family bosses back in the 1970s.

Whitstable was currently interviewing an old acquaintance of Cohn in a run down New York City apartment.

The informer wore an empty cement bag on his head and a pair of used Nike running shoes on his feet so he wouldn’t be recognized.

“Well, Roy died of AIDS back in 1986,” the informer said.

“AIDS?” Whitstable repeated the statement.

“But Roy wasn’t gay,” the informer stated emphatically, “he always said that he enjoyed having sex with men. But he always insisted that he wasn’t gay.”

“Okay,” Whitstable nodded.

“But Sen. Joe McCarthy was gay,” the informer went on, “Roy’s personal secretary mentioned that in the book she was going to publish had she lived. But McCarthy covered it up during his life time. Being gay was the kiss of death for a U.S. politician in the 1950s. Unlike today where it seems to be working out very well for the current Mayor of South Bend, Indiana.”

“So Cohn said that he enjoyed having sex with men,” Whitstable took notes, “were they all one night stands or did he ever have a long term relationship with a man?”.

“There was one he had,” the informer answered, “in fact Cohn said in a public interview back in 1980 that this man used to call him 18 to 20 times a day each day. So you can see how intense the relationship was. This man also said himself in a public interview back in 1980 that Cohn protected him to the point of viciousness.”

“Wow,” Whitstable agreed, “That does sound pretty intense. Who was this man?”.

“The current occupant of the Oval Office in the White House,” the informer replied.

Roy Cohn and a mascara and make-up wearing young Roman soldier Donald Trump having a gay old time at a New York City nightclub on Saturday June 24th 1972.
The photo accompanied a story in the New York City edition of The Times of London on Monday June 26th 1972.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 27th
2019.

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Boris Johnson, Greek God Ares, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

July 24, 2019 at 10:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Boris Johnson, Greek God Ares, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

It was the last Prime Minister’s Question Period in the British House of Commons for Theresa May in her role as Prime Minister of The United Kingdom prior to passing the Prime Ministerial baton to Boris Johnson.

The very last question to her was posed by Renfield R. Renfield the British Transhumanist MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Renfield stood up and asked Mrs. May, “What is the speed velocity of a swallow?”.

To which Mrs. May responded, “Are you talking about the African swallow or the European swallow?”.

To which Renfield replied, “I don’t know.”

Soon Renfield found himself being carried by an invisible force through the air.

Unlike the poor sap medieval hermit in Monty Python and The Holy Grail who asked “Questions three” by the bridge to King Arthur’s knights, Renfield was not sent into a deep chasm in the earth for not knowing the answer but found himself transported upwards to the House of Commons Press Gallery where he ended up in the lap of BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy.

. . .

Donald Trump was watching Mrs. May’s final Prime Minister’s Question Period on television in the Oval Office.

“Lexington,” Trump remarked to his British butler and valet, “is there really a difference in the speed velocity of swallows between Europeans and Africans and who has the greater speed velocity?”.

“Sir,” Lexington who knew Trump’s mind (or lack thereof!) inside and out answered, “I believe the swallows to which both Mr. Renfield and Mrs. May are referring are the variety of birds and not what you’re thinking about.”

“Oh,” Trump answered.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were carrying on a very similar conversation.

. . .

The Greek god Apollo was lying in a lounge chair in a garden not far from the Acropolis when Ares walked by looking a little downcast.

Apollo (who was Greek god of music) was listening to the songs of Nat King Cole on his iPhone headphones when Ares walked by.

Apollo took off his headphones.

“You look very depressed,” Apollo said looking somewhat concerned.

“It turns out Boris Johnson is naming Renfield R. Renfield to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering after all,” Ares wept crocodile tears (as he had put crocodile DNA rather than eye tear droplets in his eyes this morning), “this may ruin the best laid plans of Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war, Thor the Norse god of thunder and myself for planning a global war.”

Apollo put his iPhone headphones back on and went back to listening to Nat King Cole as Ares continued to weep crocodile tears.

. . .

The Norse goddess Freya was in her country estate in Norway listening to the radio when she heard the news that Renfield had been appointed to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering and his parliamentary colleague the Welsh vampiress Morgana had been named Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.

At that moment, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing showed up at the door with a bottle of wine.

“Mr. Van Helsing,” Freya said to him, “how would you like to step into my art studio and I’ll show you my etchings?”.


Norse Goddess Freya: Offers to show her etchings to Dracul Van Helsing

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 24th
2019,

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Miranda Singh and The Tallbanger Dossier

July 18, 2019 at 11:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Miranda Singh and The Tallbanger Dossier

Miranda Singh stood in Collingwood Hills Park not far from the estate of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

The personal Executive Secretary to the billionaire Set was awaiting the arrival of a carrier pigeon from America.

The carrier pigeon would be carrying an envelope containing information written down by Set Enterprises’ chief spy and secret agent Harvey Tallbanger.

The information was deemed too hot to handle to send by electronic communications.

Tallbanger’s smart phone had started on fire when he had tried to send an encrypted text message on it.

The pigeon arrived and sat on a statue of Julius Caesar that was in the park.

Miranda went over and picked up the envelope the carrier pigeon was carrying in its beak.

Miranda opened the envelope and read the information that Tallbanger had gathered.

Tallbanger began his report by referencing an NBC News video that showed Donald Trump and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein together at a party in 1992.

The video showed Trump and Epstein discussing women at the party.

Tallbanger noted that a brunette woman who appeared in the video in the background behind Trump and Epstein was none other than Ghislaine Maxwell the daughter of British publishing mogul Robert Maxwell.

Maxwell had died on Guy Fawkes Day (November 5th) in 1991 after having fallen overboard naked from his yacht into the Atlantic Ocean near the Canary Islands.

He is buried in the Mount of Olives Jewish Cemetery in Jerusalem.

Tallbanger noted that Maxwell was believed by many to have been a Mossad operative.

British journalist Gordon Thomas the author of the 1999 book Gideon’s Spies certainly believed that to be the case.

Tallbanger noted that there were some who believed that Jeffrey Epstein was also a Mossad operative.

As no one seemed to have any idea where Epstein got his billions from.

Epstein had got his first job back in 1974 as a Mathematics and Physics teacher at Dalton Academy an exclusive private school in the Upper East Side of Manhattan where until the spring of that year Donald Barr (the father of current U.S. Attorney-General William Barr) had been the headmaster.

Later Epstein went to work for Bear Stearns as an options trader back in 1976.

In August 1981, Epstein started the first of his own companies Intercontinental Assets Group Inc. (IAG). 

No one was quite sure what it was that Epstein did although he described his work at the time as that of a “high-level bounty hunter”.

Epstein founded what he called his own financial management firm J. Epstein & Co. in 1987.

Tallbanger went on in the report to note that Epstein apparently had a Saudi Arabian passport that was discovered when police went to his New York home in this year of Epstein’s current arrest for sex trafficking.

The passport listed a residence in Saudi Arabia.

Tallbanger had discovered that the residence had once belonged to Adnan Khashoggi a billionaire Saudi Arabian businessman and arms dealer who died at the Harley Street Clinic Diagnostic Centre in London back on June 6th 2017.

Miranda Singh thought to herself as she read the Tallbanger dossier, “Why does that name Khashoggi sound so familiar?”.

As if reading her thoughts, Tallbanger had written in the next paragraph, “Adnan Khashoggi is the uncle of Jamal Khashoggi the Saudi journalist who was best known for having been sawed to pieces by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s personal maintenance and janitorial cleaning services at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul Turkey on October 2nd of last year.”

Wow, Miranda thought to herself.

“Interestingly enough,” Tallbanger had then wrote, “Donald Trump had purchased a $100 million yacht from Adnan Khashoggi for $29 million back in 1988.”

Curiouser and curiouser, Miranda thought to herself.

“Then 2 years later in 1990,” Tallbanger had written, “Trump turned around and sold that yacht to Saudi Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal for $20 million incurring a $9 million loss.”

Very curious indeed, Miranda thought.

Then she wondered, why did the name of Saudi Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal sound so familiar?

Again, as if reading her thoughts, Tallbanger had written, “Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal was the one who was held upside down hanging from his toes in a room in the Ritz-Carleton Hotel in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia from November 2017 until January 2018 until he agreed to give all his wealth to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.”

Ah, that’s the one, Miranda nodded.

Tallbanger went on in his report to wonder whether Robert Maxwell’s daughter Ghislaine wasn’t also a Mossad operative and quite possibly Epstein’s Mossad handler.

The Welsh pooka secret agent noted that Ghislaine was a licensed jet pilot, a licensed helicopter pilot and a licensed submarine submersible pilot- something very handy to have as a secret agent.

Tallbanger then noted that Donald Trump had flown Epstein, Ghislaine and a woman (who could have been anywhere from 15 to 20 years old) from New York to Florida back on April 15th 2000 on his own personal jet.

The reporter who had written the flight item in passing had thought that it was Mr. and Mrs. Epstein and their daughter who had taken the flight.

But Tallbanger pointed out, Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell were not married and they did not have a daughter.

And Tallbanger noted, if the girl on Trump’s plane was underage (like many aboard Epstein’s own Lolita Express flights), then Trump himself could be charged with interstate trafficking of a minor (having flown her from New York to Florida).

Was this, Miranda wondered, the smoking gun that could bring down Donald Trump?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 18th
2019.

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Pan Goatee, Donald Trump, Prince Andrew and Benjamin Netanyahu

July 16, 2019 at 9:33 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Donald Trump, Prince
Andrew and Benjamin Netanyahu

Pan Goatee had just finished buying cans of Diet Coke in the dollar store and was walking towards the mall’s food court when he encountered two fat ugly blimps of sisters waddling around the confines of the food court.

“A blimp is a blimp by any other name,” Goatee paraphrased Shakespeare as he beheaded one of the walrus-semi-human hybrids that were unfortunately vastly (in more ways than one) indigenous to this particular locale of western Canada.

“And the same goes for you,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the other fat ugly blimp of a sister.

Sadly both fat ugly blimps had obviously not been carried away by a tornado that had recently hit the region a couple of days earlier.

“I guess that poor twisting vortex of a funnel cloud did not want to come down with a hernia,” Goatee reflected to himself.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump (after talking to the ghost of Richard M. Nixon who had famously said once, “I am not a crook”) had tweeted, “I am not a racist.”

He then added, “There’s not a racist bone in my body.”

At DARPA headquarters, the head of DARPA Dr. Faustus Imhotep was trying to keep under wraps medical x-rays that showed the current U.S. President did not have a skeleton but rather a strange mass of alien slime under his skin.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep was now pondering the question, “Was Trump an illegal alien from a galaxy far, far away?”.

Meanwhile over in England, Prince Andrew was reflecting on the U.S. arrest of one of his acquaintances Jeffrey Epstein.

The radio in his room was playing an old song recorded by Ringo Starr, “You’re 16, you’re beautiful and you’re mine.”

Andrew shut the radio off as it brought back memories of a time that could possibly land him in hot water.

And at his parliamentary office in Westminster, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was looking at photos taken by Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander reporter for The Times of London.

The photos were recently taken in Jerusalem.

It was at a press conference in which Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu named the South African born academic Dr. Evan Cohen as his new spokesperson to the international media.

Standing behind Netanyahu at the press conference was the Rome-based Egyptian deity Osiris and the demon Baphomet.

“Does this mean Osiris and Baphomet have formed an alliance with one another?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield as he looked at the photos.

“If they are, the Boss won’t be very happy about that,” Renfield remarked.

Renfield still referred to his former employer the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set as the Boss.

The remark confused a lost American tourist as he walked down the corridors outside Renfield’s office and had come to the conclusion that this place was probably not Westminster Abbey.

Why, the tourist wondered, would Bruce Springsteen object to Osiris and Baphomet forming an alliance?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 16th
2019.

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Donald Trump’s Twittering Attacks On 4 Democratic Congresswomen

July 15, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Donald Trump’s Twittering Attacks On 4 Democratic Congresswomen

Donald Trump had had an eventful past couple of days.

Yesterday, he had criticized 4 young Democratic Congresswomen (Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rep. Rashida Tlaib, Rep. Ayanna Pressley and Rep. Ilhan Omar) and said they should go back to the “countries they originally came from”.

Three of the women had been born in the U.S. and Rep. Omar had come to the U.S. from Somalia when she was 12.

Trump had spent the day today defending his tweets and had called Nancy Pelosi a racist for calling him a racist.

He also said that Rep. Omar had once praised al-Qaeda.

Trump, with his usual penchant for “terminological inexactitude” (to quote the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill), was referencing a 2013 interview Miss Omar had once given in which she said that one of her professors had once praised al-Qaeda in class and had told the reporter in the interview what the professor had said.

Trump had also sent DARPA operative Enema Enigma to dig up dirt on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez whom some people touted as a possible Democratic Presidential candidate in 2024 -the year for which he was grooming his daughter Ivanka to become the first woman President of the United States.

This was the photo that Enema Enigma had returned with:

After seeing the photo of what looked like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in rather provocative attire, Trump immediately crossed his legs.

He then hurried to the washroom with the photo and gazed at it for the next 7 hours.

After over 7 hours were up, Trump sent a text message to his British butler and valet Lexington in which he asked Lexington to immediately bring “wipes to the Oval Office washroom as no wipes seem to be available”.

As Lexington immediately and swiftly hurried down the West Wing corridors, he happened to pass by an office where the radio in the office was playing that old country music song, “It’s been a long time coming…”

Undoubtedly the song was definitely NOT referring to Lexington’s rather rapid delivery of the wipes.

. . .

Later Trump played an evening round of golf with the Havana-based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike.

In answer to a reporter’s question about Pike, Trump responded, “Terrific guy. I’ve known him for 15 years. He likes white people as much as I do. In fact, he likes them a little on the whiter than white side”.

At that moment, a golf club wielded high in mid-air hit Trump over the head.

“Hey, somebody super tall just hit me over the head with a golf club,” Trump complained to his Secret Service agents.

“We saw the club approach high in mid-air,” his secret service responded, “but there’s no one there. We can’t see anyone.”

. . .

In London, Amadeus Emanon asked the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s valet and butler Athelstan, “Say, what is the Boss’ personal secret agent Harvey Tallbanger up to at the moment?”.

“I believe today he is in Washington DC, sir,” Athelstan replied.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday July 15th
2019.

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