Much Ado About Meng Wanzhou

December 8, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )


Meng Wanzhou: The Face That Launched A Thousand Deaths

Retribution was swift.

Numerous leading officials in the U.S. State, Justice, Trade and Commerce Departments were found dead with poisoned chopsticks inserted into their necks.

Donald Trump woke up in horror to discover that someone had put chicken fried rice and sweet and sour pork spare ribs in his toupee.

Officials at both the Canadian and U.S. Embassies in Beijing had come down with the worst cases of diarrhea in all recorded history.

The Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (the immortal daughter of the infamous Dr.Fu Manchu Manchu that British writer Sax Rohmer had written about) had gone to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s greenhouse in Ottawa and wearing a pair of metallic spiked leather gloves had kidnapped Justin’s beloved pot smoking and cannabis inhaling cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever. He would be released upon the release of Huawei executive and Chief Financial Officer Meng Wanzhou from a Canadian prison. Distraught, a tearful Justin had called an emergency Federal Canadian Cabinet meeting on the issue. He was thinking of evoking the Emergency War Measures Act like his father Pierre Elliot had done when British Trade Commissioner James Cross and Quebec Labour Minister Pierre Laporte had been kidnapped by the FLQ back in October 1970.

His Foreign Minister Chrystia Freeland slapped Justin’s face and told him to get a grip on reality.


The Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu just prior to putting on a pair of spiked metallic leather gloves and kidnapping the Canadian Prime Ministerial official marijuana pot smoking and cannabis inhaling cactus plant of Justin Trudeau.


Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland forced to slap Justin’s face when he started babbling about calling upon the ET gray Gali-Gula and an invasion fleet from planet Nibiru for help.

Meanwhile Australian poet David Redpath was happy to report that Strawberry Fields Forever’s two pot smoking and cannabis inhaling desert cactus plant children (a son named Octopi Garden and a left leaning daughter named Octopi Wall Street) were both safe and sound in his home in Australia.

Apparently Redpath’s once buying the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (the granddaughter of Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh and a woman who now worked for the Chinese Intelligence Service) some green tea and a Vietnamese pork submarine sandwich in a Sydney restaurant had put the poet in Ho’s good books.

Meanwhile leading officials in the Vancouver Crown Prosecutor’s office were now dying en masse after their marijuana cigarettes were all laced with arsenic by Chinese agents.

Similarly RCMP officers and CSIS agents were keeling over by the bucket load (before they had the chance to complete their bucket lists) all across Canada after egg rolls and chop suey they had received had all been heavily laced with polonium-210.

Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher refused to provide them with the antidote to polonium-210 poisoning that he had developed since his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was personal friends with Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu.

And so numerous orphans and widows were being created in Canada and numerous undertakers and funeral homes would be doing a booming business in Canada next week as a result of the cowardly Justin Trudeau’s surrender of Canadian national sovereignty to America’s Trump Administration and its unilateral embargo against Iran.

Justin was doing this all for a man who belittled and ridiculed him (the ghosts of Sigmund Freud and Alfred Kinsey were both speculating that Justin might be a latent homosexual masochist with a cougee like infatuation and obsession with the older man).

And Trump was following a stringent anti-Iran agenda because his ultimate dream in life was to continously kiss the buttocks of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

Truly the days of Sodom and Gomorrah were upon the world as Christ prophesied would be one of the signs of his 2nd Coming.

And speaking of Sodom and Gomorrah, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Chinese Intelligence Service operative Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh were now in San Francisco to deliver a poisoned apple to Apple CEO Tim Cook on behalf of the Chinese government.


Ho Babylon Minh: Bearing poisoned apples to Cook.

Meanwhile in British Columbia, the Vancouver International Airport was undergoing massive aerial bombardment of seagull droppings from 10 million Chinese seagulls.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 8th
2018.

And down in Mexico City, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was engaging in tantric sex with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (who had dyed her hair blonde for a TV commercial she had been appearing in)

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What Is Causing The Paris Riots: A Free Verse Poem As Explanation

December 7, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, love, Movies, Music, Musicals, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Several weeks ago, the Cyborg Octopus Kraken
Who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI
Had been dining with his wife Medusa
(The ex-Gorgon famed for getting people stoned
In the glory days of classical and ancient Greece)
In a Parisienne cafe
When Medusa suddenly found Vincent Van Gogh’s ear
In her house salad
so she sent it back.

“I hate to do this to you, Banksy,”
The salad prep chef said to
The famous graffiti street artist
As he cut his ear off with a carving knife
Banksy had thought of becoming a musician
As well as an artist
but now he had no ear for music.

“Much better,” Medusa said
As she bit into Banksy’s ear.
“You’re becoming somewhat cannibalistic in your old age,”
The Kraken remarked as he bit into the evening dinner special
which was roast octopus.

“How old do you think I am?”
asked Medusa
who used Oil of Olay
She looked very young indeed.

Medusa then bit into the fried snake
As the hairs on her head stood on end.

“Charmed I’m sure,” Sir Anthony Hopkins tipped his hat
And bowed to the couple
as he exited
(He had eaten the roast lamb souvlaki that evening)
He was in Paris doing a one night special performance
at Le Phantome Masquerade
Musique de Le Soir
Faberge Garnier Christian Dior Coco Chanel Opera House –
a musical version of
The Silence of The Lambs.

Jodie Foster emerged from the restaurant closet
with a woman tennis player and a woman golf player
and followed the knighted Welsh actor
to the theatre
as director Martin Scorsese
tried to hail a taxi driver
and Beelzebub the lord of the flies
plotted the last temptation of Christ.

“You don’t seem to be enjoying your roast octopus this evening,”
The Norse trickster god Loki
(who looked and talked a lot like actor Jack Nicholson)
remarked
as he fed Donald Trump’s toupee
(which he had swiped from the Oval Office of the White House)
to the restaurant Maitre’ D’s pet red spider monkey.

“I’d like to be Emperor of France,”
The Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI
wiped a tear from his eye,
“but I can’t while Emmanuel Macron is President.”

“Hm, I think I can do something about that,”
Loki remarked as Ricky Martin’s dinner date for the evening
accidentally peed all over Loki’s Casablanca Humphrey Bogart looking white dinner jacket
turning it a very vibrant yellow colour.

“And I think I’ve got an idea,”
Loki remarked
as he looked down at his now yellow coloured jacket
and just received a text message on his smart phone
from his accountant
on what would be the heating cost
of his Paris apartment
next year.

“And that dear children,”
The inebriated looking Santa Claus
took off his wired rimmed glasses
and wiped them
at the Ayn Rand Daycare Centre
where he was speaking,
“is how the origins of the Paris riots
and fires came to pass.”

-A comedy horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 7th
2018.


Rita Hayworth won’t be coming down Emmanuel Macron’s chimney tonight.

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How Renfield Spent Saint Nicholas’ Day

December 6, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had spent the morning at the Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.’s Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Studios owned by music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell.

After the old time Christmas musical hit song Baby, It’s Cold Outside was deemed too politically incorrect for pot smoking self-proclaimed feminist Justin Trudeau’s Canada and was being pulled from being played on most Canadian radio stations over the Christmas season, Renfield recorded his own version of the song in a duet with the famous New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont.

He then used his hacking skills to hack into most Canadian radio stations’ play lists and inserted a code by which the song would be played every 20 minutes on radio.

He then hired a bunch of newly arrived immigrants in Canada who had trouble getting jobs to work and drive around in ice cream trucks where the song Baby, It’s Cold Outside would be played on the loudspeakers to let frozen Canadian neighbourhoods know that the ice cream truck was coming.

Afterwards he went down to the Westminster House of Commons to deliver a statement in Parliament on his British Transhumanist Party’s official position on the global trade, foreign and defense policies of the Trump Administration in Washington DC.

The Speaker of the House called on Renfield to make the statement, “I understand the Honourable Member for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds wishes to make his party’s official statement on the Trump Administration’s global trade, foreign and defense policies.”

“I do, Mr. Speaker,” Renfield rose to his feet, “Donald Trump is so full of crap that if you gave him an enema before he died, you could bury him in a cigar box.”

He then sat down again.

Renfield believed in making his speeches brief and to the point.

Later when he returned home, he phoned the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria.

Lenora was holding a group of Russian Navy sailors prisoner in the medieval dungeons of an old castle in Scotland.

They were being guarded by the ghost of the Black Douglas as well as a brigade of British Army Gurkhas.


The ghosts of Humphrey Bogart and Peter Lorre perform an Abbott and Costello comedy routine for the enjoyment of Russian Navy prisoners of Renfield.

The Egyptian cat goddess Bastet then sat on Renfield’s shoulder where the two discussed the Egyptian god/vampire Osiris’ stupidity in getting Hades the god of the Underworld to release the body and soul of French President Emmanuel Macron whom Krampus had dragged down to Tartarus last night.

After mutually agreeing on what an ass Osiris was, Renfield returned to his parliamentary office in Westminster.

There he received a phone call from Chinese President Xi Jinping on whether Renfield and his Brigade of Gurkhas would storm a Canadian prison to release Huawei’s chief financial officer Meng Wangzhou who had just been arrested at Vancouver’s airport and was awaiting extradition to the U.S. for violating Trump Administration sanctions against Iran.

As Xi and Renfield discussed the raid and rescue, his Transhumanist Party colleague and fellow MP the Welsh vampiress Morgana put a book away in the office bookshelf prior to going on a date with Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 6th
2018.

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Renfield On Kerch, Crimea and The Sea of Azov: Let’s Get This Strait

November 26, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was currently consulting with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles and the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Hukulak to lead a commando raid of British Army Gurkhas on the Russian Navy at the Strait of Kerch to rescue two Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug and 30 Ukrainian sailors who were seized by the Russian Navy yesterday,

In Kiev, Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko declared martial law in Ukraine for 30 days in order to put the country on a full war footing.

Donald Trump as usual was busy dithering and tweeting about “immigrants on the U.S-Mexico border” in the midst of yet another major international crisis.

He was also trying to make up in his own mind who was the nicer guy- Russian President Vladimir Putin or Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.

On November 25th, Russian Spetznatz commandos of the Russian Navy seized the Ukrainian gunboats and the tug wounding half a dozen Ukrainian Navy sailors in the process.

Russia had used a Russian ship under the recently completed Kerch Bridge to illegally block passage to Ukrainian ships seeking to enter the Strait to access the Sea of Azov.

The Ukrainian Navy vessels had gone to ask the ship to stop blocking the entrance when they were fired upon by Russian Navy ships and then deliberately rammed.

Renfield and the Gurkas would be sailing on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II to the Kerch Strait to rescue the Ukrainian Navy ships and sailors.

The Amphitrite II was invisible to both radar and sonar.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s original submarine of this design The Amphitrite I and its crew disappeared on its maiden test.

Although a computer at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor had picked up the fact that The Amphitrite I had wound up at the U.S. Navy shipyard in Philadelphia on October 28th 1943 where it slammed into the U.S. Navy destroyer escort The USS Eldridge.

The meeting between the four in Renfield’s office came to an end when the ghost of Orson Welles received an emergency Hermes transmitted telegram from the ghost of Nikola Tesla in the underworld realm of Hades.

Meanwhile outside the Westminster Houses of Parliament, the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the Russian FSB was waiting to assassinate Renfield.

It was while she waited for Renfield on the park bench that Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing spotted her.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 26th
2018.

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Labour Disruption and Strike At Set Enterprises

November 24, 2018 at 11:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Science, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Last night, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was on his way to the Set Enterprises laboratory to receive a vision from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster that was intended for his eyes only.

However due to a traffic delay caused by an extremely idiotic driver and the subsequent shooting of that extremely idiotic driver, Renfield was late getting to the Set Enterprises laboratory.

The site was now called Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium (as Renfield’s former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had now gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita to sell Persian rugs together).

They had hired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria (who had first met and made out in a police interrogation room at Scotland Yard) to demonstrate how easy it was to hold tantric sex couplings on Persian rugs thus increasing the popularity of sales.

However once Renfield got to the Laboratory and Rug Emporium, the union of Persian rug employees and workers were now on strike after smoking and inhaling Canadian recreational cannabis that had been smuggled aboard a Canadian Federal Government commissioned Air Canada flight from Ottawa to London.

The rug emporium employees were now on strike demanding higher wages so they could buy higher doses of cannabis laced products so they could go on higher trips.

Their picket lines were now surrounding the Set Enterprises building and they weren’t letting anybody in.

Renfield decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to reach under his raincoat and grab his semi-automatic weapon and blow the whole lot of them to kingdom come for two reasons:

Firstly, any tourists present might think they were no longer in London but some locale in the United States and Trump would soon be tweeting his thoughts and prayers to them while not standing up to the narcissistic jackals and jackasses in the NRA who were against any form of gun control (save for a brief period in the 1960s when it became apparent that members of the Black Panthers were buying large amounts of weapons and the NRA were screaming for the government to do something and impose some form of government control over gun purchases but the memory of that brief period the current NRA leadership and membership sought to erase from most History textbooks).

Secondly, Renfield did not want to alienate any potential British Labour Party voter who might be inclined to vote for his British Transhumanist Party (Renfieldian Transhumanism was not your Ray Kurzweil Google brand of Transhumanism or Jeff Bezos Amazon brand of Transhumanism but as the ghost of the late Prague Spring of 1968 Czechoslovakian leader Alexander Dubcek called it, “Transhumanism with a human face.”).

Since the striking rug employees were higher than a kite, Renfield used his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Cosmos brand Smart Phone to put in a call to the Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula.

The ET gray Gali-Gula arrived in his UFO Flying Saucer and walked out to speak to the striking workers.

In the platinum plated metallic iron gloves on his hands he carried the marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant named Strawberry Fields Forever.

Strawberry Fields Forever’s normal habitat was the greenhouse of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in Ottawa where the Prime Minister (who had picked up the Prince of Wales’ habit of talking to plants) would go and chat with the cannabis pot smoking cactus plant and inhale the plant’s exhaled smoke as he did so.

Then Justin could truthfully tell the Canadian news media that his lips never touched a marijuana cigarette.

Renfield looked at his watch.

He was late for a hot tub appointment with some of Japan’s top female porn stars who were currently visiting Britain.

Renfield decided he’d leave it to the Niburuan mediator the ET gray Gali-Gula to end the strike.

Michelangelo’s vision for Renfield’s eyes only would have to wait for another day.

His vision of Japanese lady porn stars in a hot tub for his eyes only were far more important.

He left.

The ET gray Gali-Gula told the crowd that his ET gray body was in fact possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula and they could only see him if they inhaled pot smoke.

The crowd was not impressed and still refused to swear off pot smoking.

Gali-Gula said, “I’ll show you the hazards of excessive pot smoking and inhalation.”

He once again picked up the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever in his platinum plated metallic iron gloved hands.

“Show them the aftereffects of excessive pot smoking and inhalation,” Gali-Gula addressed Strawberry Fields Forever.

The pot smoking cactus plant then started hiccoughing and sneezing cactus needles in the strikers’ direction.

The strikers still refused to swear off pot smoking.

“Desperate times require desperate measures,” Gali-Gula did his best voice impersonation of Sir Winston Churchill while speaking to Strawberry Fields Forever.

“And now for something completely different,” Gali-Gula spoke to the crowd while impersonating the voice of the Monty Python TV show announcer, “And far more drastic. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau doing a naked phallic impersonation of Donald Trump.”

Justin Trudeau had ingested Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Reverse Viagra tablets a few hours before so his phallus would be the right size for doing a Donald Trump impersonation.

The holographic image of Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation was astral projected from Ottawa to London.

He had a special guest to help him in his performance.

The image of a naked Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation and doing a lap dance in the naked lap of a totally nude possible future House speaker Nancy Pelosi was an image far too horrifying for even an H.P. Lovecraft to conceive.

It was also an image far too horrifying for the striking employees of Set Enterprises Rug Emporium to receive.

They swore off pot smoking and cannabis inhalation for life.

The strike ended.

Gali-Gula had saved the day and the night.

And PTSD therapists would be receiving a multitude of clients the next day.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 24th
2018.

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Renfield: Taking Care of Business In Every Way

November 23, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had received a phone call from Dr. Cadbury Rocher at Set Enterprises.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had picked up a TV news broadcast from the future on his lobster antennae and Michelangelo had typed with his lobster claws on the keyboard of his waterproof laptop that the vision was meant for Renfield’s eyes only.

So Renfield caught a trolley bus that drove quite close to the Set Enterprises laboratory and rug emporium (The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had recently gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita and sold Persian rugs together- putting Set on Donald Trump’s business black list).

The trolley bus headed down a single lane one way street that was meant for trolley buses only.

There was a vehicle trap at the front of the street that trapped any vehicle other than trolley buses from going down that street.

However there were plenty of flashing red lights and traffic signs that warned other vehicles of the vehicle trap ahead.

However there was always the occasional idiot who totally ignored all the flashing lights and traffic signs and wound up with their vehicle caught in the trap preventing the bus from getting through.

This was one of those days.

“I can’t believe that bitch did that!” The bus driver shouted.

Other people on the bus now complained about being late for important appointments thanks to the inherent stupidity of the said bitch.

Renfield seethed as he got off the bus.

There was only one thing to do about such stupid people.

And that was to eliminate them from the face of the earth.

The airheaded bitch was on her mobile calling for a tow truck to pull her vehicle out of the trap.

It was rather unfortunate for the said airhead that she wasn’t very good looking.

Otherwise Renfield might have shown some pity.

As it was, Renfield reached into his raincoat pocket, pulled out his gun and fired 7 bullets point blank at her.

The woman immediately fell to the ground quite dead as the operator on the other end of the line asked her for her Auto Club Membership #.

But the woman had expired before her membership did.

Renfield being a member of MI-5, MI-6, British Home Office and Her Majesty’s Secret Service had a licence to kill like James Bond 007 (in fact his secret agent code number was 0069).

Renfield received a standing ovation and thunderous applause from the other passengers on the bus for his actions.

Renfield looked at his watch and decided he’d better walk from here to Set Enterprises.

As Renfield walked down the street, he sang his own paraphrased version of an early 1980s Air Supply Song,

There’s one less stupid person in the world
And it’s gonna be fine
Out of all the stupid people in the world
You’re now dead and gone
In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now there’s one less stupid person in the world tonight…

“It’s too bad Donald Trump hadn’t been the one to have driven that vehicle into the trap,” the trolley bus driver remarked.

“Too bad indeed,” British Prime Minister Theresa May agreed.

Mrs. May vowed never to take public transit again.

She was now going to be at least half an hour late for an important meeting to save her Brexit deal.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 23rd
2018.

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Russia’s GRU Chief Dead- Who Is Responsible?

November 22, 2018 at 11:14 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Science, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Donald Trump was being briefed by the CIA while sitting in his briefs (and looking at photos of Shakira for nobody had bothered telling the Twitterer-In-Chief that she was in fact Colombian) on the death of Russia’s GRU (Military Intelligence Directorate) head Colonel General Igor Korobov.

“So he died from a long illness?” Trump asked.

“Well so the Russian media would have us believe,” said CIA agent and cyborg operative George Akirason as he cleared his throat of both phlegm and nanites, “but in fact Korobov only started feeling unwell back in mid-September after having received a severe reprimand from President Vladimir Putin.”

“And what brought about this reprimand?” Trump asked as he combed both seaweed and Black Sea caviar out of his toupee.

“Because Putin got what he thought was a welcome (but she turned out to be unwelcome) visitor in his bedroom one night,” George Akirason coughed a mixture of both phlegm and nanites into his Stormy Daniels photo emblazoned handkerchief, “a sensuous and lovely Kazakh Dragon Sister but she had a poison ivy laced dildo with her which she proceeded to shove up the Russian leader’s anus. She then stapled a note to Putin’s phallus which had on it a message that said, “You’ll never guess what’s going to happen next.” And the message was signed “R.R.R.” The GRU then conducted raids on the Kazakh Dragon Sister’s Moscow apartment but she had fled back to unknown locales in Kazakhstan. Howver the apartment contained several autographed posters of British MP Renfield R. Renfield.”

“Renfield R. Renfield?” The hair in Trump’s toupee stood on end 😨, “That man gives me nightmares for some reason.”

. . .

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was receiving a briefing from a leather skirted female dominatrix Malaysian agent for the German Federal Intelligence Service.

Chancellor Merkel was astounded by how much the woman looked like world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

The woman whose secret agent code name was Magic Mushrooms and Killer Tomatoes spoke, “Contrary to what the media is saying, Colonel General Igor Korobov did not die from his illness. He was found face down in his bathroom with both his pants and Rasputin photo emblazoned boxer shorts pulled down and a 20 pound giant banana (with the words THE MAPLE LEAF AND CANNABIS PLANT FOREVER written on it) shoved up his behind. The trauma of the impact was what killed him. A well known Kazakh Dragon Sister assassin was seen leaving his place.”

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in his parliamentary office drinking brandy and smoking cigars with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill.

“Well,” Renfield raised his glass in a toast, “another successful operation planned by the once and future Prime Ministers of Great Britain. And executed by our beloved Kazakh Dragon Sister secret operative.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 22nd
2018.

A Kazakh Dragon Sister with a love for all things British.

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Donald Trump’s Phone Call With Saudi Crown Prince

November 19, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Crime, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The verdict was in.

The CIA, CSIS, MI-6 and the German Federal Intelligence Service were all convinced that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman had personally ordered the brutal and savage murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi,

But as Donald Trump brushed all the squirrel droppings and walnuts out of his toupee, he knew in his heart of hearts and brain of brains that he had more intelligence put together than any intelligence agency on the planet (or anyone else for that matter).

He sung to himself, “MBS killed no one, this I know, for the Saudi Crown Prince tells me so.”

He said to Lexington his valet as he dressed for bed, “I had a long phone conversation with the Saudi Crown Prince tonight, Lexington.”

“Delighted to hear it, sir,” his British butler answered.

“Lexington, do you know if we have a U.S. Consulate in Istanbul?” Trump asked.

“I believe we do, sir,” Lexington answered.

“I wonder if it would be possible for us to find a Turkish fiancee for CNN’s Jim Acosta,” Trump mused aloud.

“Good God, sir,” Lexington’s face turned ghostly white, “and just what was the gist of your conversation with the Saudi Crown Prince?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 19th
2018.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s vision (just before his lobster tank exploded again) of DARPA contract assassiness Panty Goatee disguised as actress Emma Watson telling the car driver, “Take me to the U.S. Consulate here in Istanbul.”

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“Release The Kraken!” – Zeus’ Final Command

November 13, 2018 at 11:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

As Ares the Greek god of war, Thor the Norse god of thunder and Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war sat around drinking Quetzalcoatl tequila shots (with giant worms in them) and wondering how to start the next global world war, the Norse trickster god Loki came along selling NRA memberships, Donald Trump Is The New Messiah t-shirts and also Nancy Pelosi For Speaker of The House buttons (as a trickster, he had all bases covered).

As soon as he found out the causes of their glumness and their sobriety challenged condition, he suggested they get Zeus to “Release the Kraken!”.

That should start a world war.

“How can we get Zeus to release the Kraken?” Morrigan giggled as she fantasized about making out with James Spader as Raymond Red Reddington and making out with him on a king sized waterbed under a painted ceiling mural of the sinking of the Titanic.

“I happen to know the horny Olympian who likes to carry lightning bolts in his pockets wants to make out with singer Ariana Grande,” Loki had hacked into Zeus’ internet search images on his Mount Olympus iCloud, “so promise him a fling with Ariana Grande if he releases the Kraken.”


One of the many images of singer Ariana Grande that the Greek Olympian god Zeus has on his Mount Olympus iCloud.

The trio thought this was a good idea.

Ares went to see Zeus with the proposal.

Zeus (making sure he was out of earshot of Hera) agreed.

He sent Hermes and Dionysus to go release the Kraken.

Zeus’ kraken named Scion of Apollyon was being kept at a secure aquarium facility (designed and engineered by Dr. Cadbury Rocher) at the Set Enterprises laboratories at Canary Wharf on the Thames River in London.

Hermes in a Haida canoe and Dionysus in an Inuit kayak went rowing down the Thames River singing, “Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily mare, life is but a dream…”

Both had spent the previous evening heavily imbibing Dionysus’ homemade bootleg fermented nectar.

As they reached Canary Wharf, Hermes got easily out of his canoe and stepped on to the pier.

Dionysus, who was not only short and bald and heavily bearded but also extremely pudgy and overweight (rumour had it that he was the biological father of numerous Calgary white women after he had evening serenaded drunken walruses along the Bow and Elbow Rivers), had a great deal more difficulty trying to maneuver his way out of the closed compartment cover of his kayak.

In fact the short, bald, heavily bearded, pudgy and overweight deity became hopelessly stuck.

As he blew his antique 19th Century Sherlock Holmes and Inspector Lestrade personally autographed Police Call Help whistle to summon lovely water nymphs from the Thames River to come rescue him, the ghost of Friedrich Nietzsche (whom Hades had recently granted a dispensational furlough to) stood on the pier and repeated the last words he had spoken on his deathbed, “It’s Dionysus vs. Christ. Don’t you understand?”.

As the Thames River lovely water nymphs used chainsaws to cut the kayak open to get the vastly overweight Dionysus out, the ghost of Wild West sheriff Wild Bill Hickok who had been an avid gambler and poker player in his earthly life (and had also been granted a dispensational furlough by Hades to briefly leave the Underworld realm), remarked to Nietzsche, “I think I’d put my money on Christ.”

“Did anyone ever tell you you’re so much better looking than the fat cow walruses along the Bow River in Calgary?” Dionysus told the lovely Thames River water nymphs as they carried him on to the pier.

Julius the genetically created hybrid T-Rex giraffe with the body and neck of a giraffe and the head of a T-Rex who served as the Set Enterprises guard watch dog had once again got his head stuck in the window trying to peer into Sherrielock Holmes’ Set Enterprises office to stare at her leather micro mini skirted and black silk fishnet pantyhose clad legs and so was unable to stop the two intruder Greek deities.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was about to raise the alarm in his own glass aquarium about two intruding Greek deities in the building when peering through the enormous hole in the adjacent wall caused by Julius the hybrid T-Rex giraffe trying to get his head out of his predicament, the lobster happened to catch a glimpse of Sherrielock Holmes in her mini skirt and pantyhose.

Michelangelo’s lobster tank exploded and both water and lobster wound up on the lab floor.

As both Set Enterprises’ maintenance and security arrived on the scene for a mop up operation, the two Greek deities went to the lab where Zeus’ kraken Scion of Apollyon was located.

They released the Kraken as Zeus’ voice thundered through on Hermes’ Huawei smart phone, “Release the Kraken!”.

The Kraken escaped and promptly divided into 2 krakens.

One headed in the direction of Baltimore, Maryland where the U.S. Catholic Bishops were holding a conference.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops had just caved in to Pope Francis’ Josef Stalinesque directive that the topic of priestly and clerical sex abuse must not be on the agenda at their meeting.

The other kraken headed in the direction of the Gaza Strip on the eastern Mediterranean as the possibility of war between Israel and Hamas loomed.

Donald Trump in the meantime had just issued a Twitter tweet that the world was a “lot safer and more secure” with him as President of the United States.

A sure sign that doom was on its way.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 13th
2018.

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The Day After: A Renfieldian Analysis

November 7, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

It was the day after the U.S. midterm elections.

As recently terminated U.S. Attorney-General Jeff Sessions asked his aide for directions to the nearest Unemployment line and Donald Trump began his campaign for Asshole of The Year Award among members of the White House Press Corps, Renfield R. Renfield shared his analysis of the U.S. midterms with his friend Amadeus Emanon.

“It appears Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was spot on in declaring the winners,” Renfield bit into a tuna fish sandwich.

“But it appears he was mistaken in his vision last Saturday about widespread violence at polling stations,” Amadeus bit into a peanut butter sandwich.

“Not necessarily,” Renfield belched, “I immediately relayed Michelangelo’s vision to Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA as well as Peter Whitstable of Interpol. Whitstable took my personal brigade of British Army gurkas and staged two raids on shiploads of arms arriving in Florida. One was a shipload of arms that was intended for Antifa operatives sent to them by Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and the other was a shipload of arms intended for white supremacists sent to them by Havana based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike. Dr. Faustus Imhotep sent DARPA contract assassins Pan Goatee and Panty Goatee to bump off suspected Antifa and Neo-Nazi provocateurs the evening before the U.S. midterm elections. As a result of this DARPA Night of The Long Cleavers and Long Machetes, the U.S. midterms voting went off without violence and undertakers in towns where Antifa operatives and Neo-Nazis lived picked up a little extra business this week.”

“Good to see you took action,” Amadeus remarked.

Suddenly a loud piercing scream came from outside.

“It sounds like our estate watch cat Nefertiti Galore has taken action against someone,” Renfield went running outside and was joined by Amadeus where they saw that the cat had scratched ten faces on a ten headed demon.

“Who is that demon?” Amadeus asked.

“Well if my photographic memory of illustrations in the Encyclopedia of Demons serves me correctly,” Renfield put on a pair of spectacles, “that’s Ravana the Rakshasa demon king of Lanka.”

“What could he possibly want on the Set estate?” Amadeus asked.

“Well the Boss,” Renfield was referring to the Estate’s owner the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and not Bruce Springsteen, “recently bought an original authentic statue of Sita who was Prince Rama’s bride that Ravana kidnapped millenia ago and so maybe Ravana wanted to steal it.”

After receiving catclaw scratches on his ten faces while in London, Ravana fled to Ravenna where he spent his days and nights studying the city’s Byzantine and Gothic architecture.

Happy Diwali to all my Indian friends. 😊

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 7th
2018.


Panty Goatee spent the night before U.S. midterm election day slitting the throats of Antifa operatives and Neo-Nazi white supremacists.

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