Happy Birthday, Sherrielock Holmes

January 6, 2018 at 9:18 pm (Detective story, Entertainment, History, Literature, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Happy Birthday, Sherrielock Holmes

The quite literally immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (who was Sherlock Holmes’ lesser known twin sister) was turning 164 today.

Many years ago, Sherrielock had eaten some Lingzhi Supernatural mushrooms and become immortal.

Sherrielock was being taken out to dinner by her great grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

They arrived at the Avebury Arms Pub to sample their delicious πŸ˜‹ steak and kidney pies.

Sherrielock was dressed in an elegant turquoise green evening dress.

“Tell me, Aunt Sherrielock, did you ever offer a plate of Lingzhi Supernatural mushrooms to great uncle Sherlock?” Cadbury was anxious to know.

“I did,” Sherrielock nodded, “but he refused. He longed to meet Irene Adler again.”

“So great uncle Sherlock did come to believe in an afterlife?” Cadbury inquired.

“He did,” Sherrielock sampled her steak and kidney pie, “Ummm, heaven.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 6th
2018.

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Cleopatra Regenesis?

January 3, 2018 at 9:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Cleopatra Regenesis?

In the White House, Donald Trump was having a dream in which his former White House aide Steve Bannon was drinking nanite Earl Grey tea and then the latter’s head exploded.

Waking up from the dream, Trump immediately tweeted, “Steve Bannon has lost his mind.”

After tweeting, Trump went back to sleep where he dreamed that he was in a sauna with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and the two compared their respective nuclear buttons to see whose was the biggest and most powerful.

Meanwhile in London, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, after reading Anne and Christopher Rice’s book Ramses The Damned: The Passion of Cleopatra, had asked Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to make a genetic clone of ancient Egypt’s Queen Cleopatra (whose official title was Cleopatra VII Philopator) because Set figured that such a woman would be worth making love to.

Dr. Rocher replied that he would gladly do that except first he needed some of Cleopatra’s DNA and in order to do that, it might be helpful if Cleopatra’s tomb were found.

Set found himself in agreement with Dr. Rocher’s brilliant Sherlock Holmesian deduction and was soon on the phone to various archaeologists and Egyptologists that he knew to see if they would find Cleopatra’s tomb for him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 3rd
2018.

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The Rabbit Who Saved Planet Earth

December 18, 2017 at 8:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The Rabbit Who Saved Planet Earth

Amadeus Emanon was down at the Set Enterprises lab.

He was eating a corned beef sandwich.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher entered the room.

“Well, well,” said Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “you’re the second person I’ve seen in the past few days who’s been eating a corned beef sandwich.”

“Who was the first?” Amadeus asked.

“The Mossad agent they call the Controller of The Golem,” Dr. Rocher replied, “I saw him eating a corned beef sandwich in Jerusalem.”

“What were you doing in Jerusalem?” Amadeus put some more mustard on his corned beef.

“Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of an ET reptilian landing on the Temple Mount,” Dr. Rocher answered, “a vision that turned out to be correct. So I was in Jerusalem conducting an experiment.”

“An experiment?” Amadeus looked curious.

Just then a cute looking little white Angora rabbit with big pink eyes entered the lab and went over to a dish with carrots πŸ₯• and started eating them.

“Hello, Fluffykins,” Amadeus addressed the rabbit by name.

Fluffykins lifted up her ears, gazed at Amadeus and went back to eating her carrots.

“Yes, it was an experiment involving Fluffykins,” Dr. Rocher explained, “The past few years various world governments have approached me about the increasing number of ET reptilian landings on the planet. They were wondering if there was any way reptilians can be destroyed. So using my ingenuity and my imagination, I genetically created a rabbit capable of giving a poisonous bite to a reptilian ET that kills them instantly. That rabbit is Fluffykins. I took her to Jerusalem and she passed the test with flying colours. The reptilian is dead with its skin being sold to a merchant in China who will make faux alligator skin handbags πŸ‘œ and faux alligator skin boots out of it.”

“What made you decide on using a rabbit to deliver this poisonous bite rather than say a snake or scorpion?” Amadeus asked.

“Because rabbits are so darned cute,” Dr. Rocher smiled as little Fluffykins hopped around the lab, “no mean nasty vicious reptilian would ever dream that such an adorably cute little creature would be capable of delivering a poisonous bite that would kill them instantly.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 18th
2017.

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Renfield Proposes A New Snowman

December 15, 2017 at 9:01 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Fantasy, Folklore, Humour, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Renfield Proposes A New Snowman ⛄️

MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a conversation with Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher about an idea he had.

“And what is this idea, Renfield?” Dr. Rocher asked.

“I think you should build a snowman who doesn’t melt,” Renfield smiled.

“A snowman that doesn’t melt?” Dr. Rocher was astounded.

“Yes,” Renfield nodded as he opened his lunchbox and discovered that his ice cream 🍦 cone had melted.

“And what brought this on?” Dr. Rocher asked as Renfield started licking up the melted ice cream.

“Well, I was reading this short story about an evil snowman who wanted to kill people but the only trouble was he couldn’t move being a snowman without access to Frosty’s magic hat 🎩. Then some bratty kid made a nasty remark about him and the snowman couldn’t kill the brat and the snowman ended up melting instead. Anyhow I felt great sympathy for the snowman seeing as how I hate bratty kids myself. I thought it would be nice if the snowman could move and also that he couldn’t melt and then we’d have a lot less bratty kids in the world,” Renfield grinned as melted ice cream dripped from his nose.

“So you want me to create a snowman that not only can’t melt but has the ability to move as well,” Dr. Rocher said as he de-thawed his frozen salmon in the microwave.

“Exactly,” Renfield bit into a tuna fish 🐟 sandwich, “if any man can do it, you can.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 15th
2017.

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I’m Taking A Break Off WordPress For A Week To 10 Days

October 15, 2017 at 8:15 pm (Life, News, Personal essays, Vampire novel) (, , , )

I’m Taking A Break Off WordPress For A Week To 10 Days

To all my friends, readers and fellow bloggers, I’m just letting you know that I’m taking a break off WordPress for the next week to 10 days.

I have been continuously blogging since January 4th of this year- which is probably the longest spell I’ve spent continuously blogging but now I’m starting to feel the growing pangs of writer’s burnout.

So I’m taking a week to 10 days off WP so I can re-charge my batteries as it were.

I’ll read your comments and blogs when I get back. πŸ™‚

But seeing as how Renfield R. Renfield seems to be the favourite character in my vampire novel for a lot of people (including myself), I’ll leave you with some samples of how Renfield spent his day today:

Renfield received a note from Dr. Cadbury Rocher on how today October 15th 2017 was the 100th Anniversary of the execution of the famous femme fatale World War I spy Mata Hari.

So today to celebrate the occasion, Dr. Rocher had genetically cloned Mata Hari.

20 years ago, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had hired a trio of unemployed jewel thieves to steal Mata Hari’s head from the Paris Museum of Anatomy.

The head had been in Set Enterprises’ possession ever since and using DNA from the head, Dr. Rocher had successfully created a fully grown adult female clone.

As for Renfield’s own activities, he had hacked into a meeting of those anarcho-Communists who called themselves Antifa who were meeting in a city in the U.S. and played on the projector in the room where they were meeting that 3 minute 13 second clip from the 1972 movie Cabaret where the Hitler youth starts singing Tomorrow Belongs To Me and hundreds of Germans stand up and join in the singing.

Then in another U.S. city, a group of Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen were meeting. Renfield hacked into their projector and started playing a video of Martin Luther King’s I Have A Dream speech.

Lastly Renfield examined a female sex robot that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had just created.

The robotic female looked ultra-realistic, ultra-human, ultra beautiful and ultra sexy.

She was also dressed in a sexy outfit- a corset and leather mini skirt which could easily be removed.

The female robot even had a realistic feeling vagina.

The only thing was when a potential sex partner hit the robotic clitoris with a certain part of his anatomy, this would spring a built-in beaver trap in the vagina that would automatically clang on top of that person’s anatomical part.

Renfield put the female sex robot in a box and then had the box courier delivered to Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. The tag outside the box read A Special Gift Just For You.

-A personal essay
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 15th
2017.

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An Aztec Vampiress, A London Car Show and The Tesla Particle Death Beam

September 21, 2017 at 3:35 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in her research on the subject discovered that only the Nikola Tesla Particle Death Beam would be capable of destroying the Caribbean Sea kraken Uhluhtc.

And she discovered that the Tesla Particle Death Beam was an accessory on British sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s new self-driving electric car The Rocher Le Pied de Hermes which was now on display at a car show in London, England.

The self-driving Rocher Le Pied de Hermes electric car had been given its first test this past spring (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/04/dr-cadbury-rocher-and-his-incredible-self-driving-car/ for details of how that test went).

Dr. Rocher had drastically improved his self-driving electric car since that disastrous first test.

He had also added a new feature to the Rocher Le Pied de Hermes self-driving electric car at the suggestion of Renfield R. Renfield (now a British Member of Parliament).

Renfield’s suggestion was for what he called a Car Owner’s Road Rage Anger Management Button.

And it was this little feature which incorporated the Tesla Particle Death Beam.

If some obnoxious other driver or a car horn pissed off the self-driving electric car’s owner, the owner or even a passenger could push the Car Owner’s Road Rage Anger Management Button

The Car Owner’s Road Rage Anger Management Button had arrows surrounding it and depending on which arrowly direction the Road Rage Anger Management Button was pushed, it would fire a Tesla Particle Death Beam either in front, either side of or the back of the vehicle and disintegrate the offending other vehicle and obnoxious driver (to say nothing of the passengers) into sweet oblivion.

Qonzilqointec enlisted the help of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in stealing the Tesla Particle Death Beam off the vehicle at the London car show.
Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
Qonzilqointec plans to commit Grand Auto Theft with Dracul Van Helsing at the London Car Show

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 21st
2017.

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Shiva Visits An Episcopalian Cathedral

July 13, 2017 at 5:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Shiva Visits An Episcopalian Cathedral

Former MPs Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were on a trip to New York City together.

Both men had been defeated in their respective constituencies by candidates for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the recent British general election.

Agathor Christie of the British Conservatives had been defeated in his rural English constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by British Transhumanist Renfield R. Renfield (the former Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises).

And Magog Rhys Petley of the British Labour Party had been defeated in his rural Welsh constituency of Newbridge by Transhumanist Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claimed was a vampiress and the niece of the Arthurian era sorceress Morgan Le Fay).

Since both men had two things in common- 1) both being defeated by British Transhumanists and 2) Both having an utter loathing for British Prime Minister Theresa May for calling a snap general election, the two men decided to go on a trip together to drown their respective sorrows.

Britain’s Sun tabloid newspaper had reported on the trip with the headline ELECTORAL DEFEAT MAKES STRANGE BEDFELLOWS.

Today Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were visiting the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City which was the largest Anglican Cathedral in the world.

As they stood there looking up at the Rose Window, a strange looking fellow walked by.

“Say,” Magog nudged Agathor, “isn’t that the Hindu god Shiva?”.

“I believe it is,” Agathor put on his glasses and peered at the deity known as “The Destroyer” and “The Transformer” within the Hindu religion.

“What’s he doing in an Episcopal Cathedral?” Magog asked.

“Perhaps he’s becoming an Episcopalian,” Agathor replied.

“Shiva becoming an Episcopalian?” Magog was incredulous.

“Yes,” Agathor nodded.

“Gods don’t become Episcopalian,” retorted the atheistic Magog.

“They don’t become Catholic either,” Agathor reflected, “since Pope Francis says that there’s no Catholic god.”

. . .

Outside the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, officials reported that the large statue of Shiva the Destroyer outside the Collider tunnel had come to life and disappeared.

. . .

Set Enterprises’ resident chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was reading an article on how a Harvard University scientific research team had used the Crispr genome editing tool to insert a gif (five frames of a horse galloping) into the DNA of bacteria.

The gif was the image of a human hand and 5 frames of the horse Annie G captured in the late 19th Century by British pioneer photographer Eadweard Muybridge.

“Wow, inserting an image into DNA to allow it to pass down through generations,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher hit his head, “why didn’t I think of that before?”.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher decided to try this for himself.

For his image, he used a 5 minute YouTube video clip of the meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump at last week’s G-20 summit in Hamburg Germany.

The clip not shown on any of the Fake News networks across the world showed the demon Asmodeus standing immediately behind the sitting Putin and sitting Trump and playing on his harmonica the musical melody to Lara’s Theme from the movie Doctor Zhivago.

Being the genius that Dr. Cadbury Rocher was, he was able to, in 5 minutes, insert the YouTube video into the DNA of bacteria what it took 5 days for the Harvard research team to do on their 5 frame gif.

He then put the bacteria in a sealed test tube and left it in the lab.

The Norse trickster god Loki, who had been hiding under a desk seeing what Dr. Cadbury Rocher was up to, decided to take the sealed test tube of bacteria and immediately teleported himself to the Western Wall on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

When he landed, he knocked over a tourist the Nibiruan ET gray Gali-Gula who was standing there taking pictures with his advanced extraterrestrial camera around his neck.

Loki then placed the sealed test tube of bacteria into one of the cracks in the Western Wall where people normally place prayer notes.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 13th
2017.

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The Re-Awakening of Serena?

July 12, 2017 at 5:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

The Re-Awakening of Serena?

Dr. Cadbury Rocher reported to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set that his fiancΓ©e Serena (slain by a Soviet assassin in 1924 but whose body was kept cryogenically frozen since then) seemed to be showing signs of coming back to life.

In fact the EEG machine hooked up to Serena’s body was showing signs of brain activity within Serena and the machine had actually been showing signs of it the past couple of months but the technician in charge of monitoring Serena had neglected to inform Dr. Rocher.

Set Enterprises had of course immediately terminated the negligent technician’s employment (the termination was accomplished by Renfield R. Renfield putting a gun at the back of the man’s head and pulling the trigger- thus saving the company the cost of pension payout).

“So,” Set asked Dr. Rocher, “would these signs of conscious activity within her brain be the reason that a lot of photos have appeared in the past month showing Serena appearing at various places in the past? Her returning consciousness has caused her to be a time traveler?”.

“That’s part of it,” Dr. Rocher nodded, “of course the fact that she originally time traveled from this year of 2017 back to the early 1920s where she met Houdini and later you must have been brought about by another entity who has the ability to travel through time.”

“I see,” Set was silent.

“As for who this entity is, I have no idea,” Dr. Rocher shrugged.

Set was staring at a ship in a bottle on a distant shelf.

The ship in the bottle was itself an unusual vessel.

It was an ancient Egyptian funeral barge in a bottle.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 10th
2017.

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The Steampunk Girl Time Traveler

June 22, 2017 at 5:16 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Dr. Cadbury Rocher had called his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set down to the Set Enterprises lab to show him something.

“This is a photographic image that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster picked up from the date June 22nd 1931,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher showed Set the photo.

Serena The Time Traveler

“My god the Great Sun God Ra,” Set whispered, “it’s Serena.”

Serena was the name of Set’s fiancee who had been assassinated by a Soviet assassin Leonid Terovsky back in the autumn of 1924.

Her body was currently lying in a special lab at Set Enterprises.

Prior to that, she had been kept in a glass coffin (at low temperatures to preserve her body) at Set’s colossal West London mansion.

She had been moved to Set Enterprises Laboratories in the year 2000 when Set had hired the scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was the great-grandson of French scientist Dr. Louis Rocher (who had come close to discovering the secret of immortality prior to his being shot down by the Red Baron in April of 1918) and Sherrielock Holmes (Sherlock Holmes’ lesser known twin sister who had attained immortality for herself by eating a specially prepared Lingzhi supernatural mushroom cooked for her by her husband Dr. Louis Rocher).

Set hoped that Dr. Rocher would find a way of bringing his beloved fiancee Serena back from the dead.

“That’s Serena all right,” Set recognized the Steampunk style skirted outfits that she loved to wear.

Steampunk is a genre of science-fiction where the science and inventions of the Victorian and Edwardian era carried on in an alternate universe and machinery was analog and not digital and based on steam power and not petroleum and where airships and dirigibles and monoplanes and biplanes and triplanes ruled the skies and not jets.

Steampunk genre had influenced movies like Wild Wild West, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Van Helsing and the 2009 Sherlock Holmes.

“What is she doing in that photo?” Set asked.

“Notice the Soviet Red Star on the train and she appears to be holding a detonator in her hands,” said Dr. Rocher, “there was an attempt to blow up a train Josef Stalin was riding in back on June 22nd 1931.”

“Serena has become a time traveler,” Set gasped, “and she’s tried to kill Josef Stalin the man who had arranged for the circumstances of her own death.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 22nd
2017.

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Michelangelo Foresees Pope Francis At Regensburg

April 19, 2017 at 4:38 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Amadeus Emanon were in the Set Enterprises laboratory with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

They had received a phone call from Renfield R. Renfield who had cut short his plans to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in Caracas and was returning to Britain to run as a British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party Candidate (the party he had founded and was then deposed as leader by the Welsh Vampiress Morgana after the last British general election).

British Prime Minister Theresa May’s surprise election call for an early election yesterday from the steps of 10 Downing Street had prompted Renfield’s decision to return home.

Since he had only received 1 vote in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where he and his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lived in a colossal London mansion) in the last British general election, Renfield R. Renfield had decided this time to run as a Transhumanist candidate against incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie in his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Renfield made the decision after he had found a picture of MP Agathor Christie on the Net yesterday showing him in a grocery store accompanying Renfield’s own personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/much-ado-about-the-orient-express/ )

Renfield was so angry when he saw the photo, he resolved then and there to run against Agathor Christie and beat the pants off of him (although dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was already doing an excellent job of that herself).

Meanwhile Dr. Rocher and Amadeus were overlooking the list of revelations that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been receiving the past few hours.

The revelations were being correlated and indexed and catalogued by a computer that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invented specifically for this purpose – of anaylzing Michelangelo’s thought processes and psychic flashes and insights and foresights.

Dr. Rocher had given the computer the name The Artist Known As Raphael Who Existed Before The Pre-Raphaelites.

Although he called the computer Raph for short.

Dr. Rocher noticed that Michelangelo had picked up a TV News Broadcast from the future about Pope Francis giving an address at Regensburg University.

“That’s interesting,” Dr. Rocher paused at that revelation, “it was an address that Pope Benedict XVI gave at Regensburg back in 2006 that landed that Pope in trouble. In it, he quoted what a medieval Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus had once said about Islam (which wasn’t very complimentary) and this led to rioting and anti-Pope Benedict protests across the Islamic world.”

“I wonder who’ll Pope Francis will quote at the start of his speech,” Amadeus ate a cookie.

“Let’s click on Pope Francis’ Address To Regensburg: A News Broadcast From The Future and find out,” said Dr. Rocher who did just that.

The TV broadcast transmission from the future showed Pope Francis standing at the podium in a Regensburg University auditorium.

The Pope began,

“My predecessor began his address here by quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor. I’m not going to do that…”

Laughter in the hall.

He continued,

“Instead, I’m going to….”

The Pope paused.

He looked down the far end of the table where he had been sitting earlier and noticed some milk and cookies at the end there that he had not been offered,

“I’m going to quote the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street…Me want cookie! Me want cookie!”.

Laughter in the hall.

“No,” Francis got angry, “I really want a cookie. I wasn’t offered milk and cookies when I sat here As Winston Churchill said when he was about to give a speech in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at the height of Prohibition in that province and therefore wasn’t offered a brandy before speaking, “No brandy, no speech.” So verily, verily I say unto you, “No milk and cookies. No speech.”

There was a wild scramble to get Pope Francis milk and cookies.

Announcer: So just as Pope Benedict’s quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor at Regensburg led to riots and protests across the Islamic world, so Pope Francis at Regensburg quoting Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster asking for milk and cookies has led to riots and protests across Greece. Apparently there was also feta cheese down at the end of the table from where Pope Francis was sitting and the Pontiff never asked for feta cheese. Just milk and cookies. This has led to anti-Francis protests throughout Greece…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 19th
2017.

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