Imhotep: Behind the Hammer of Film

March 8, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Imhotep Pontifex Ra ran a small souvenir store in Rome not far from the Vatican.

Imhotep specialized in selling reproduction paintings and reproduction sculptures of the great Renaissance works of art to be found in the Vatican.

Imhotep enjoyed his current job.

It was quiet and kept him out of the spotlight.

For Imhotep had once had very challenging and important jobs that once kept him in the spotlight.

For Imhotep was roughly 3000 years old give or take a couple of centuries.

Officially he flourished back in the late 27th Century BC as THE Imhotep (“The One who comes in peace”). He was the Imhotep who served as Chancellor to the Egyptian Pharaoh Djoser and the Imhotep who was the High Priest of the sun god Ra at Heliopolis.

He was supposed to have died centuries ago.

In reality a fruit from the Tree of Immortality in the Garden of Eden had been brought to him by a mermaid.

He had eaten it and become immortal.

But he kept a low profile throughout the millenia only stepping into public limelight now and again.

With his knowledge of genetics, he had helped Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom give birth while still being a virgin.

She gave birth to an eccentric creature called Yaldabaoth who went to Ireland and became a leprechaun.

Although she claimed that Yaldabaoth was the Demi-Urge who created the universe and was the same being as Yahweh the god of the Hebrews.

Most Gnostic groups accepted Sophia’s statement on the subject as authoritative.

Fortunately Yaldabaoth spent his time sleeping under rainbows alongside pots of gold after drinking too many pints of Guinness and too many bottles of Irish whiskey and so didn’t show up at any of Sophia’s red carpet parties in Hollywood alongside Tom Hanks and Dan Brown that were sponsored by the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles.

That way Yaldabaoth wasn’t around to rain on her parade.

That was left to a Hollywood producer whose perverted fetish was giving golden showers to people.

That producer was now facing jail time on charges of gross sexual misconduct.

After Sophia gave birth to Yaldabaoth, she gave up being a virgin when she fell in love with the Greek god Pan (a satyr) and had a torrid love affair with the half-man half-goat deity.

She gave birth to Baphomet (an androgynous half-male, half-female, half-goat, half-human demon hybrid) as a result of this liaison.

And Baphomet was one of the two demons worshipped and venerated by many members of the U.S. Democratic Party (the other demon being Baal).

So much for Imhotep’s association with Sophia.

Imhotep later served as a supernatural advisor to both Merlin and Morgan Le Fay during their supernatural battle for control of Camelot and Avalon.

He served as a physician to the Knights-Templar, the Knights-Hospitaller and the Teutonic Knights during the Crusades.

During the Renaissance, he served as an advisor to many alchemists and practitioners of Hermetic magic.

He also translated the works of Hermes Trismegistus from Egyptian and Greek into Latin, Italian, French and German.

He knew the German Renaissance alchemist, astrologer and magician Dr. Johann Georg Faustus who supposedly died in an alchemical experiment explosion at the Hotel zum Lowen in Staufen im Breisgau in 1541 when the demon Mephistopheles came to collect his soul.

In reality, Faust was only disfigured in the explosion and continued to live.

Although his face was now reconstructed out of various forms of grain, wheat, thistles and vegetation.

He finally died in 2011 when the then Set Enterprises Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering Renfield R. Renfield hired an Irish arsonist to set fire to Faust’s farmfield of a face in order to do away with a scientific rival to Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Ironically enough, Imhotep had an affair with the vampiress Marguerite (who was Faust’s great love) in Germany back in the 1930s.

Marguerite had dropped Faust like a hot potato back in the 1540s after the alchemist had become disfigured.

Faust had gotten rid of his hot potato of a nose but Marguerite still did not take him back.

Instead she had an affair with the Vampiress Lilith who turned her into a vampiress.

In the 1930s, Marguerite had become an opera singer singing Wagnerian operas and Marguerite had become Der Fuhrer’s favourite opera singer.

Imhotep who served as a collector of relics for the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau during that decade had met Marguerite backstage at a production of Parsifal and it was lust at first sight.

They had a child as a result of that encounter- Dr. Faustus Imhotep who was currently the acting head of DARPA.

Being the son of an immortal Egyptian high priest and a vampiress, Dr. Faustus Imhotep looks far younger than his 85 years.

Donald Trump and most people in the U.S. government think Dr. Faustus Imhotep is only 40.

From the late 1950s to the early 1970s, THE Imhotep, “The One who comes in peace” and now calls himself Imhotep Pontifex Ra the Rome souvenir vendor, served as an advisor to Britain’s Hammer Films Studios giving them advice on both Dracula and Mummy films as Imhotep was an expert on both mummies and vampires.

Some of the women Imhotep met as an advisor on mummies, vampires and vampiresses to Hammer Films:


Ingrid Pitt


Jenny Hanley in Scars of Dracula 1970


Ingrid Pitt as Countess Dracula 1971


Valerie Leon In Blood From The Mummy’s Tomb 1971

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 8th
2019.

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October 13th 2018- Mystery Babylon, The Pope, The Saudi Crown Prince and The Vampiress Priestess of Baal

October 13, 2018 at 9:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

October 13th 2018- Mystery Babylon, The Pope, The Saudi Crown Prince and The Vampiress Priestess of Baal

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a conversation with a Church of England Exorcist Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds who was a constituent in Renfield’s Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds parliamentary constituency.

“I came across a couple of Bible passages last night that suddenly struck me as being related even though I had never considered them as being related before,” said Father Aidan, “but considering what’s happening in today’s times, it suddenly struck me that they are related.”

“Oh,” said Renfield as he dug into his roast beef and Yorkshire pudding with his knife and fork, “and what would those passages be and how do they relate to today’s times?”.

“Well,” Father Aidan answered, “the first one is from Matthew 18:6 which reads “But whoso offends one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” That’s the first passage.”

“And what’s the other passage?” Renfield asked as he washed down his mashed potatoes and gravy with a quadruple whiskey 🥃.

“The other passage is from Revelation 18:21 which deals with the destruction of Mystery Babylon the Great Whore,” Father Aidan answered, “And a mighty angel took up a stone like a giant millstone and cast it into the sea, saying, Thus with violence shall that great City Babylon be thrown down, and shall be found no more at all.”

“And the relation?” Renfield ordered another quadruple whiskey from the waitress.

“Well the church that becomes Mystery Babylon does something that offends little ones and so the angel throws a millstone into the sea drowning that church,” Father Aidan noted.

“The Catholic Church under Pope Francis?” Renfield asked.

“Exactly,” Father Aidan nodded.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was looking at the video someone had sent him filming Pope Francis opening the Youth Synod back on October 3rd earlier this month.

In his hands at the opening of the Synod, Pope Francis held what was supposed to be a Crucifix but it actually was a Witch’s Stang- an occult ritual wizarding staff used to represent the Horned God in witchcraft.

What, Whitstable wondered, was Francis doing holding a Witch’s Stang representing the horned god of witchcraft at the opening of the Youth Synod?

Here Pope Francis had covered up for pedophile priests and bishops who had molested children and now he was opening up a Youth Synod with a witching staff representing the Horned God.

He was definitely offending all the little ones who believed in Christ, Whitstable thought to himself.

. . .

Dr. Cadbury Rocher had gone to see his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set about an order for Set Enterprises nanites that had just come in.

“What’s the problem?” Set asked.

“The problem,” Dr. Rocher explained, “is that this order came in from the government of Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦 and the nanites being asked for are those that can eat and totally destroy and remove all traces of a dead body.”

“And why should that be a problem?” Set asked as he dropped a living crocodile down his throat and ate it.

“Well if the Turks are telling the truth about the audio and video recordings showing Saudi secret police killing and dismembering the body of dissident Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul,” Dr. Rocher pointed out, “and if the Saudi government wants to use our company’s nanites to totally remove all traces of Khashoggi’s body and details of the sale become available to the European Union in Brussels and the British Trade Ministry in London, it could severely affect Set Enterprises’ ability to conduct business in Britain and Europe.”

“I see what you mean,” Set belched after digesting the crocodile, “You better not sell the nanites to the Saudi government then.”

An hour later DARPA’s Dr. Faustus Imhotep in Washington DC received a phone call from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman about purchasing some of DARPA’s nanites.

. . .

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal approached the Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman.

“You consummated a relationship with my astral twin Asherah,” she rubbed against Cardinal Salaman, “now you must consummate a relationship with me.”

Allatallahbel then went and lay down and beckoned Samhain Cardinal Salaman to come to her coffin and lay with her.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 13th
2018.

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DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

October 11, 2018 at 10:36 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

DARPA’s Neutrouglotron Bomb Experiment

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was currently working on the Beautify Calgary Project (as opposed to the Manhattan Project) – which was developing a new atomic weapon much like the old neutron bomb which instead of killing people and leaving buildings intact was to kill a certain set of people and leave other people intact.

Mephistopheles the demon god of racism proposed killing members of a certain race to Dr. Faustus Imhotep.

However that proposal was vetoed by a higher member of Hell’s demonic and fallen angelic hierarchy.

The hierarchical superior (who approved of Pan Goatee) suggested instead that fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows should be killed with the new weapon.

And hence the name – the Neutrouglotino bomb (a neutron bomb guaranteed to neutralize ugly women and kill them dead- to paraphrase an old TV Commercial for Raid House and Garden Bug Killer insecticide spray).

The proposal was to use it in the City of Calgary since they had the greatest number of ugly women per capita in the world.

And since the vast majority of fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows in the city’s female population were white, it should also meet with the approval of Mephistopheles whose demonic job was to promote racism and hatred of other races among all races.

However only a small quantity of Neutrouglotino powder could be used since it was mined in Antarctica 🇦🇶 and only a small portion could be mined every year.

Pan Goatee upon seeing an ugly woman would then drop the powder and with its UGLO searching ability injected into it through the use of uglo-hating nanites (whose masturbatory thoughts and fantasies were filled with images of Akira a female Japanese sex robot with the highest form of Artificial Intelligence and Dragon Sister kickass Martial Arts abilities which met with the DARPA Seal of Approval by a DARPA employee codenamed after the Greek titan god of heavenly light 🌞) would then go and kill every ugly looking woman within a 5 block radius.

This being Calgary of course, it wasn’t long before Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a hideous repulsively ugly looking fat ugly blimp of a white woman.

Pan Goatee threw the bomb powder and the blimp fell to the ground quite dead (causing a major earthquake on the other side of the world from the spot).

Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene and beheaded the blimp sticking the blimp’s head in a potato 🥔 sack that said DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT.

The nanites ate the rest of the blimp body and immediately vomited 🤮 afterwards.

This procedure was then followed throughout the day by Pan Goatee encountering numerous fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows.

He’d throw the Neutrouglotron powder, the uglo offender to humanity would keel over, Krampus the 2nd would behead the aesthetic offender, stick the hideous head into the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT and then the nanites would eat the rest of the uglo creature from Hell (the dreaded and mercifully unknown to Dante 13th circle of the Inferno) and immediately proceed to vomit 🤮 all over the place.

Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi was being inundated with thousands of calls from outraged citizens about gallons of unusual looking vomit 🤮 that were appearing on city sidewalks.

As for the uglo creatures’ heads in the potato 🥔 sack that read DAN QUAYLE FOR PRESIDENT, Goatee had instructed Krampus the 2nd to deliver those to Trump’s gold plated washroom in the West Wing of the White House and to stack the hideous repulsively looking ugly heads one on top of the other on the bathroom floor such as the display from Hell would be the first thing that Trump would see upon entering the Oval Office Executive Washroom.

. . .

Lexington the White House valet heard the most heart wrenching eardrum piercing scream and anguished 😧 cry that he had ever heard in his life.

He went rushing down the hall and there sat Donald Trump on the floor outside his gold plated washroom with a look of extreme shell shock in his eyes, sheer terror on his face and a mouth agape as if dead 💀.

Finally Trump spoke.

He spoke the same words over and over again.

The same words that were spoken by Marlon Brando’s character of Col. Kurtz at the end of Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 film Apocalypse Now.

“The horror… the horror…”

. . .

While California psychologist Christine Blasey Ford was being flown into Washington DC to be brought in as a consultant to use her Artificial Situation In The Mind Visualization Technique to bring the President out of his state of extreme extreme extreme Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Lexington the White House valet was suspecting a Democratic Party Deep State White House Secret Service plot to only intensify the Donald’s PTSD, the ghost of Orson Welles was showing the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill the TV commercial he had recently directed for a Chilean winery called Casillero del Diablo:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 11th
2018.

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The Bride of Baphomet: A Horror Poem

July 18, 2018 at 10:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Bride of Baphomet: A Horror Poem

Atargatis’ mermaid invasion of the Israeli state was called off
on the day marking death of last Czar Romanov
so this wedding could take place
for the Baphomet would not lose face
He was in Jerusalem for his wedding
while devil worshipers checked his hotel bedding
It was the day after the anniversary of Bolshevik royal slaughter
that the Baphomet would take his trip to the altar

Who was his Bride?
DARPA’s latest pride
Panty Goatee
with a cheese soufflé
her pussy could take a lot of heat
for someone minus goats’ legs and feet

And the Baphomet could lick on and on to his heart’s content
like a porno film with a Hellish bent
Pussy filled with cheese soufflé
For gourmet Eros was the order of the day

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA had given the order
while volcanoes erupted in the land of Mordor

Panty’s twin brother Pan from whom she had been genetically cloned
wouldn’t be at wedding for he hadn’t been phoned.

So he had spent the day killing ugly females
with laser machete and his razor sharp nails
For he never got a manicure
but instead lopped off heads like combine in manure
Caligula Farms
definitely had its charms
for those who let their fat cows out of the barns

Diablotron the AI god
for whom Elon Musk was a silly sod
had instructed Faustus Imhotep on the wedding
right down to the size of nanite infested bedding
It would all come together like a Lovecraft tome
this wedding of Baphomet and Panty Goatee

The union of old gods with the new
So Armageddon can come true
Saint John might Divine
with all that’s fine
but the Apocalypse
Would follow Baphomet lips
Cheese soufflé is better with a mushroom
of an atomic variety for Bride and groom

The wedding would take place on the Temple Mount
recently vacated by Dracula the Count
The old Transylvanian/Wallachian
accompanied by a single Dalmatian
had taken a recent tour of the Holy City
And said aloud, it’s all very pretty

But it was called the City of Peace for nought
for it was a place for which many had fought
It was a scene of much blood and gore
awaiting a visit by Donald the bore
But until that time
when idiocy turns sublime
This royal wedding must take place
to let blood flow in this Holy place
Sacred to religions three
like Lakota warrior’s heart at Wounded Knee
It must all end in grief and strife
amidst much taking of human life

The Bride of Baphomet awaits
the cry of Banshees and Grecian Fates
Many threads of life will be cut
while she drinks blood from a golden cup

-A horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday  July 18th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Saturday The 14th

July 14, 2018 at 10:56 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Saturday The 14th

DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was once again in the City of Calgary this time to bump off the President of the meatpacking plant company that was owned by Southern Alberta cattle baron, Canadian Federal Liberal Party financier and enthusiastic Justin Trudeau supporter Flyen High a southern Alberta cattle baron who was said to have fed marijuana plants 🌱 to his beef cattle.

A few weeks ago, Pan Goatee had bumped off Flyen High and his death was announced by a tearful CBC news anchorman Peter Mansbridge on The National on CBC News.

Pan Goatee visited the grave of Flyen High in a Calgary cemetery and noticed that marijuana plants were already growing on it.

The epitaph on Flyen High’s tombstone read “Truly a great Canadian and a great Albertan”
-Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Pan Goatee was now in the neighbourhood where the President of the Meatpacking plant Flyen High Packers Company Mr. Token Potts lived.

Pan Goatee was feeling hungry so he decided to go to a nearby shopping mall and visited their food court.

He ordered a submarine sandwich from Subway in the food court.

As he sat there enjoying his Pulled Pork submarine sandwich, a fat ugly blimp appeared at the Subway counter and ordered a sub.

Goatee was about to reach for his laser machete to cut her head off when he remembered something that DARPA acting head Dr. Faustus Imhotep had said to him when he assigned the satyr serial killer and DARPA assassin Pan Goatee his mission (which had been ordered by a person at the top of the highest levels of the U.S. government who could be heard declining another portion of that “wretched Scottish haggis” in the background).

“Please do not call attention to yourself until you complete this mission,” Dr. Faustus Imhotep had requested.

Reluctantly Pan Goatee put his astral laser machete back in his belt holster.

He finished his submarine but was still feeling hungry.

He decided to go into a McDonald’s at the other end of the shopping mall parking lot and order a Big Mac.

As he walked towards the McDonald’s, he suddenly noticed the same fat ugly blimp (who was carrying a Subway bag) enter the McDonald’s.

“What!” Goatee shouted, “How did that fat ugly blimp get ahead of me. She must be demonically possessed somehow. Like all fat ugly blimps seem to be. She probably took that demonically inspired A Course In Miracles that’s recommended by that New Age airhead Oprah Winfrey.”

Pan Goatee then went around to the back of the McDonald’s restaurant building and cut a hole through the bricks with his astral laser machete.

“Surprise City of Calgary Health Department inspection,” Pan Goatee flashed a toy Western Sheriff’s badge (that he had purchased in a Dollar Variety Store) to the surprised McDonald’s manager and cooks as he walked into the kitchen from the newly created back entrance.

“Everything looks fine,” Goatee said as he passed the burgers 🍔 and fries 🍟, “but no fat ugly blimps allowed on the premises.”

He immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp who was carrying the Subway bag.

He ordered a Big Mac and sat down.

He was enthusiastically asked for autographs by a group of Japanese children and teenagers who were in town visiting the Calgary Stampede rodeo which the pleasantly good natured satyr serial killer cheerfully obliged signing.

A little girl came and sat across from him after the Japanese tourists left.

Soon she was joined by her mother who turned out to be a fat ugly blimp.

Goatee immediately beheaded the woman.

He then beheaded her daughter as well.

“Just on the off chance she grows up to be a fat ugly blimp,” Goatee explained to a shocked couple of senior citizens sitting at a table, “alas for poor Oprah there goes another potential purchaser of A Course In Miracles.”

Goatee then spotted another fat ugly blimp by the customer pop machine but decided to spare this particular abomination from Hell as he decided to follow Dr. Faustus Imhotep’s advice about not drawing attention to himself.

Goatee went out the door where he walked to a bus stop 🚏 to catch the bus that went past Token Potts’ house.

Fortunately the only person standing there was a woman who looked like she could pass for a double of Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai.

Having those looks, the woman’s life was spared by Pan Goatee.

As Pan Goatee looked in the direction the bus would be coming, his eyesight was suddenly assaulted by the visual appearance of the fat ugly blimp whose life he had spared by the pop machine inside McDonald’s.

“Oh shit!” Goatee shouted, “That’s what I get for being a nice guy!”.

He then pulled out his astral laser machete, ran down the street and beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

When he returned to the bus stop, the Aishwarya Rai lookalike was busy talking on her mobile phone so she did not notice the satyr’s uglocide.

“That’s good,” Goatee smiled, “maybe I should ask her for a date. Good thing she didn’t notice that. There are a few women out there who are reluctant to date serial killers.”

. . .

Donald Trump was enjoying a steaming dish of freshly caught wild Scottish brown trout after a day spent on his golf course in Scotland.

“This is excellent, Lexington,” Trump remarked to his English valet and butler.

“Thank you, sir,” Lexington replied.

“You know I’ve been thinking tonight about Manifest Destiny,” Trump combed his toupee in the style of Julius Caesar’s haircut.

“Yours, sir?” Lexington sighed.

“No, America’s,” Trump remarked, “The vision of Manifest Destiny by America’s founders not only entailed an America stretching from the Atlantic to the Pacific but an America stretching from the Gulf of Mexico to the Arctic Ocean as well. So I really think I should order the invasion and annexation of Canada.
It will also help put an end to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s idiotic policy of allowing more Muslim immigrants into Canada which puts more Muslims on our borders as well.”

“Invade and annex Canada?” Lexington as a British subject was genuinely shocked.

“Why not? After all, Hitler invaded and annexed Austria in 1938,” Trump pointed out, “And what’s good enough for Adolf Hitler is good enough for me.”

. . .

As Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu ordered the hammering of Hamas positions in the Gaza Strip, a black jaguar strolled across the Temple Mount.

The Black Jaguar contained the spirit of a powerful sorcerer as well as the spirit of Night Sun the Jaguar God of the Mayan Underworld.

Baphomet (the living embodiment of the idol of the Knights-Templar) stood on the Temple Mount and shouted, “Hail to the Black Jaguar.”

The Black Jaguar smiled.

Full scale war all over the Middle East would soon be breaking out.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 14th
2018.

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Dr. Faustus Imhotep Unveils Panty Goatee

July 9, 2018 at 11:48 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Dr. Faustus Imhotep Unveils Panty Goatee

“Guess who may become Prime Minister of Britain 🇬🇧 in the next few weeks?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked his good friend Amadeus Emanon.

“Who?” Amadeus Emanon inquired of Renfield as he was about to eat the first of half a dozen steak sandwiches he had ordered from Cato’s Catering.

“Me,” Renfield grinned.

For the second time in two weeks, Amadeus Emanon put his knife and fork 🍴 aside as he lost his appetite.

“How did this come about?” Amadeus stared blankly into space.

“Through the resignations of David Davis as Brexit Secretary and Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary,” Renfield explained, “There’s a terrible split in both the Conservative Cabinet and the Conservative Party over Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal with the European Union 🇪🇺. The government may collapse at any moment.”

“So how does that help you become Prime Minister?” Amadeus buried his head in his hands.

“Well,” Renfield grabbed the knife and fork and proceeded to start eating the first of his friend’s steak 🥩 sandwiches, “rather than call an election and face the possibility of another hung government (maybe quite literally hung), Her Most Gracious Majesty The Queen wants the Conservatives and Labour to join together in a coalition National Unity Government with me serving as Prime Minister and head of the coalition National Unity government since Her Majesty believes that I’m the current contemporary British MP who is most like the first Prime Minister of her long reign who was none other than Sir Winston Churchill.”

Amadeus stared solemnly as Renfield started eating the second of his steak 🥩 sandwiches after finishing the first.

“So since I’m about to become Prime Minister, I’m afraid I can’t fly to Helsinki next week carrying the genetically created Japanese Ninja lobster assassin Shinigami to bump off two individuals who are holding an important meeting there on July 16th. One individual has to be killed as vengeance for the Novichok caused death of British citizen Dawn Sturgess and the other individual has to be killed for insulting the Prime Minister of a British Commonwealth country. Therefore I’ve hired the famous London private eyes (and former MPs) Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie (and got them temporary licenses to kill from Her Majesty’s Government) to carry Shinigami into the country.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher finally perfected his latest genetic creation this past June 28th. Shinigami now has a deadly dose of the most fatal scorpion 🦂 poison within his lobster claws. And his handlers (i.e. Agathor and Magog) will be wearing special gloves 🧤 so they will not be subject to the poison. I’ve since bought stock in Russian and U.S. state funeral catering companies based on this insider information so I can make tons of money after these two individuals kick the bucket thanks to Shinigami’s poisoned dipped lobster claws.”

Amadeus looked on wistfully after Renfield had demolished the third of the half dozen steak 🥩 sandwiches.

Then an idea 💡 occurred to him.

“Do you remember a couple of weeks ago, you were trying to find the personal phone number of New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?” Amadeus smiled.

“Oh yes?” Renfield paused just before taking a bite of the 4th steak 🥩 sandwich.

“Well, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ Private Secretary phoned you (while you were out preaching the Good News of Transhumanism to female workers in London’s Red Light District) just before she leaves on a 4-week undisclosed personal vacation with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s number. A number I wrote down.”

“Great!” Renfield grinned like the Cheshire Cat about to devour the world’s largest tuna fish sandwich and laid aside both his fork and the plate of the uneaten 4th steak 🥩 sandwich, “What is it?”.

Amadeus continued smiling, “Well I wrote it down and also didn’t memorize it. I left it on the table by the front door and the new cleaning lady for the mansion ripped it up into hundreds of pieces and threw it in the garbage can outside. And as you know, garbage pickup is today.
So I’m afraid the number is lost to you for the next 4 weeks.”

As Renfield stared blankly into space for the next 5 minutes, Amadeus went to the kitchen drawer and got himself a clean knife and fork 🍴 and proceeded to eat the last 3 steak sandwiches.

. . .

Pope Francis was meeting with one of his newest appointed cardinals Samhain Cardinal Salaman (who prior to being elevated to the Vatican College of Cardinals worked as a stage magician by trade under the name Salaman the Magician).

Up until his appointment, Salaman wasn’t even Catholic (he had been an adherent of the Black Magic aspects of Jewish Kabbalistic mysticism).

But after Pope Francis had talked him into being a Cardinal, he was baptized a Catholic, confirmed a Catholic, ordained a deacon, ordained a priest, consecrated a bishop and then elevated to the Cardinalate all on the same day.

Salaman was also named the Archbishop of the newly created Welsh Diocese of Llanthony Abbey and the Black Mountains.

Francis was discussing with the new Cardinal Samhain Salaman his plans for a new ecumenical Mass that was being worked on by a committee of Roman Catholics, Lutherans and Anglicans.

Francis desired a new version of the Lord’s Prayer (Christ’s original wasn’t good enough for the 21st Century in his enlightened papal opinion) for the new Mass.

For that purpose, Francis had asked Hades the Greek god of the Underworld to release the spirit of the 1960s U.S. Episcopal bishop of California the Right Reverend James Albert Pike from the fires 🔥 of Tartarus to come up to Earth’s surface and write a new version of the Lord’s Prayer for the new Mass.

Francis and Cardinal Samhain Salaman were now reading the first draft of the late Bishop Pike’s literary masterpiece,

“Our transgendered parent who’s far out of this world,
Groovy is your name…”

. . .

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was about to unveil his latest genetic creation and agency assassin Panty Goatee to General Custer Eastmoreland the U.S. Army General responsible for overseeing DARPA.

Panty Goatee was the genetically cloned twin sister of DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep had given the U.S. Twitterer-In-Chief a sneak preview of Panty Goatee back on May 13th of this year but the Donald had thrown a major spaz attack and pulled out his toupee upon seeing her.

The reason?

The Donald did not like her furry style goat 🐐 legs.

He ordered Dr. Faustus Imhotep to have Panty lose the fur.

So after rechecking the DNA formula, he did some genetic tweaking and managed to eliminate the fur off her legs.

Now Dr. Faustus Imhotep was showing General Custer Eastmoreland the new and improved Panty Goatee.

After taking off the Harry Potter and Severus Snape emblazoned curtains, Dr. Faustus Imhotep unveiled Panty Goatee to the general:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 9th 2018

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The X-Files Enter Michelangelo’s Dreams

July 4, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Short play, Short play/ comedy, Television, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

The X-Files Enter Michelangelo’s Dreams

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster after binge watching 1990s episodes of The X-Files starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson then went to sleep 💤 in his aquarium at Set Enterprises and dreamed an X-Files related dream.

Fox Mulder (drinking a glass of bourbon) : What I want to know Scully is what do the highest levels of the U.S. government want with the Greek nature god Pan’s perfectly preserved body?

Dana Scully (shrugging): I have no idea, Mulder. I have no idea what the highest levels of the U.S. government are thinking. Or even if they think at all.

Nicotine Patch Inhaling Man (sitting at the next table in the bar): I wish my doctor hadn’t advised me to give up cigarette smoking. I imagine I look pretty stupid doing this. (continues to inhale the nicotine off the patch with his nose)

Mulder (musing aloud): I wonder if it’s possible for someone’s hairpiece to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys?

Scully: What are you aiming at, Mulder? For someone to describe you in a tweet as “a mediocre FBI agent. Spends time chasing UFOs 🛸, Sasquatch and Loch Ness monster. Huge FAIL.”

Mulder: You think the Big Chief would actually mention me, Scully?

Scully: Considering the amount of time you spent watching that Stormy Daniels porn video last night, you and he do have something in common.

Mulder (smiling): Yes and it didn’t cost me $130,000 either.

Scully: But you’re right, Mulder. The government obviously wants something with the Greek nature god Pan’s perfectly preserved body.

Mulder: Genetic research at DARPA?

Scully: Most likely, Mulder.

Mulder: Which catacomb below the Vatican is the Greek nature god Pan located in?

Scully: The hieroglyphs under the base of Michelangelo’s statue of the nature god Pan reveal the whereabouts of the catacomb, Mulder.

(A small tabby cat walks by combing its fur with a comb in its paws 🐾)

Mulder: By Michelangelo, I take it you mean the Renaissance sculptor and painter, Scully, and not the psychic lobster who’s asleep in his aquarium at Set Enterprises dreaming about us?

Scully: Exactly, Mulder.

Mulder: And I strongly suspect that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster will use the information he gleaned in this dream to inform the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and Set will therefore beat both DARPA and America’s Twitterer-In-Chief in getting the Greek nature god Pan’s body first.

Scully (smoothing her skirt and crossing her legs): Of course, Mulder.

Nicotine Patch Inhaling Man (after inhaling the tape that came with the patch): I must inform the Twitterer-In-Chief about this.

(He adjusts his election style campaign pin button on his suit which identifies him as a member of Skull 💀 and Bones 🍖 to other Skull 💀 and Bones 🍖 Society members. The button has on it two facial images- the image on the left is of Dana Scully and the image on the right is of DeForest Kelley’s Star Trek character Dr. Leonard H. McCoy)

At that moment, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster awoke.

Someone had left the TV on in the lab and BBC News had a breaking news story about how an intruder with a machete was found in Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s greenhouse.

Apparently the intruder was stopped by one of Mr. Trudeau’s greenhouse plants.

BBC News Announcer: “The Canadian Prime Minister apparently owns a genetically created cactus 🌵 plant that has a mouth and has the ability to smoke marijuana cigarettes. The plant was specially developed for him by Set Enterprises scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher right here in London. The cactus 🌵 plant apparently blew pot smoke 💨 in the machete wielding intruder’s face and sent him higher than a kite. The intruder is apparently undergoing surgery at Ottawa General Hospital to have cactus 🌵 needles removed from his goat 🐐 like furry bottom after he landed on top of the pot smoking cactus 🌵 plant and was busy shouting at the greenhouse ceiling, “The Nibiruan ET grays are coming. And Gali-Gula is their leader.”

“Meanwhile President Trump had apparently issued a tweet in which he offered condolences to the Canadian people over the death of Mr. Trudeau. He later deleted the tweet and said he was misled by fake news…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 4th
2018.

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Pan Goatee Dishes Out Yet Another Pummeling In The Name of Global Aesthetics

July 3, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee Dishes Out Yet Another Pummeling In The Name of Global Aesthetics

Pan Goatee was once again on a mission.

Recently he had been hired to steal a Leonardo Da Vinci painting from the private art collection of a Western Canadian rancher and cattle baron.

Now he was back to steal yet another work of art from the cattle rancher’s private art collection.

This one was a small statue done of the Greek satyr god Pan.

The statue had been done by the famous Renaissance sculptor and painter Michelangelo (who was of course no relation to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster at London’s Set Enterprises laboratory).

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA had been doing some research earlier this year at the Vatican Archives in Rome and had discovered reference to the statue Michelangelo had sculpted of Pan the Greek satyr god of the wild, forests, mountains, rustic music, shepherds and flocks.

Apparently Michelangelo had based the sculpture on the actual perfectly preserved body of Pan he had seen hidden deep in a catacomb beneath the Vatican.

And as such it was the most accurate sculpture of Pan ever depicted in the last 2000 years.

According to the document Dr. Faustus Imhotep had read, underneath the base of the small statue were hieroglyphs that Michelangelo had carved into the base that revealed the whereabouts of what catacomb beneath the Vatican contained Pan’s body.

The highest levels of the U.S. government were anxious to get their hands on Pan’s perfectly preserved body.

A CIA search had determined that the Michelangelo statue of Pan was in the Western Canadian cattle rancher’s private collection of which Pan Goatee had recently stolen a Da Vinci painting.

So Goatee was sent to steal the Michelangelo statue now.

Goatee was riding a bus that would take him by the rancher’s maternal grandmother’s house where the late cattle baron (that Goatee had assassinated on DARPA’s orders) kept his private art collection.

Suddenly a really repulsive fat ugly woman got on the bus.

Goatee had his hands on his astral laser machete because he felt driven to decapitate the fat ugly cow.

But Dr. Faustus Imhotep had told the satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin not to call attention to himself.

So it took every once of strength on Goatee’s part to resist the urge.

However when the fat ugly blimp was going to get off the stop just before he got off, Goatee went up and started pummeling the fat ugly cow in her fat ugly face with his fists.

He punched her in the face 1001 times for good measure.

He then took his astral laser machete and cut her up into 100,001 pieces.

The display amazed a statistician for Statistics Canada who was sitting on the bus and counted.

“Wow, nice numbers,” the statistician was impressed.

Pan Goatee then left the bus, approached the house, tortured the cattle rancher’s grandmother until she revealed the statue’s location and then stole the Michelangelo statue of Greek nature god Pan.

He then gave the statue to American CIA agent Bob Belfor.

He then caught another bus to return him to his hotel.

As he got off, he noticed an ugly looking woman and her boyfriend get off behind him.

“What, what a loser!” Goatee thought as he looked at the creep dating an ugly woman, “I better prevent this couple from mating and passing ugly genes into the world.”

He beheaded both the ugly woman and her loser boyfriend.

Just then he got a call on his smart phone.

It was from Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA.

Apparently a person at the top of the highest levels of the U.S. government had put in a call to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau telling him that he had 24 hours to immediately remove the July 1st 2018 tariffs he had slapped on U.S. products or else.

This person at the highest levels did not tell Mr. Trudeau what the “or else” was.

The “or else” was going to be that Pan Goatee would decapitate Justin Trudeau’s head with his astral laser machete and then put the head on top of a giant marijuana plant that was growing on Ottawa’s Parliament Hill and then alert the news media to come and take pictures of Justin’s severed head on the pot plant.

Pan Goatee after getting off the phone with Dr. Faustus Imhotep then phoned the airlines and booked a flight to Ottawa first thing in the morning.

A photo montage music video about the Greek god Pan I made and posted at YouTube 10 years ago:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 3rd
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher

June 9, 2018 at 10:31 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher

Pan Goatee was on a mission for DARPA.

He had been sent to this city to assassinate a pre-eminent Alberta cattle rancher.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA (the actual head of DARPA who was code named Enema Enigma to hide his identity in civilian life was currently in hospital in Dublin undergoing a massive enigmatic enema after having come 2nd in An All The Blocks of Cheese 🧀 You Can Eat eating contest losing to an Irish barking dog (as opposed to Irish speaking dog) named Kurt. Kurt’s win for some reason caused the Italian Google Translate search engine to crash) had personally given Pan Goatee his orders for the assassination of the cattle rancher.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep told Pan that the orders for the assassination had come from the very top but did not elaborate as to what the term “very top” meant.

He did tell Goatee that the assassination target was a wealthy Alberta cattle rancher who was a major financial donor to the Canadian Federal Liberal Party (which was very unusual for an Albertan) and also a man who was a very enthusiastic supporter of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (also very unusual for an Albertan).

So Goatee deduced that this high ranking official who had ordered the assassination was obviously someone who was very pissed off 😡 with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Goatee was now in this Alberta city to go assassinate the wealthy cattle rancher and enthusiastic supporter of Justin Trudeau.

He was currently riding the Public Transit System Train 🚊 in the city on his way to the hotel where the wealthy cattle rancher was staying.

As Pan Goatee sat in his seat 💺 while the train pulled in at a train station platform, he noticed an extremely and very repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp approaching towards the train car he was sitting in.

“Choose another car you fatso uglo,” Goatee thought to himself.

Instead the fatso uglo being demonically possessed got on the very train car Goatee was riding in.

Pan immediately reached for his astral laser machete but realized that he had dropped it off at The Invisible Chinaman’s Astral Cleaning Chinese Laundry in Calgary’s Chinatown to get it cleaned.

Pan had used the machete to try to cut an immensely tough steak 🥩 at the Cactus 🌵 Club restaurant downtown and had spilled the awful tasting massive lumps of gravy all over his machete.

As a result, he was now getting it cleaned.

Pan moved over so that the fat ugly blimp would not sit next to him.

Instead the fat ugly blimp sat right behind him.

Then she crawled next to him and under his seat to pick up some rather long cigarette butts the fat ugly creature intended to smoke later.

“You fucking ugly looking fat blimp,” Goatee said in a statement that was definitely a brilliant grasp of the obvious, “I’m going to pummel your fat ugly face to bits.”

He proceeded to do just that.

He then ripped her fat ugly body to bits with his long fingernails.

Pan noticed that just before he pummeled the fat ugly blimp’s face to death that a blind man had accidentally pressed Take Photo on his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Mobile Exceptionally Smart Phone while attempting to send a text message in braille to an NFL referee.

“May I borrow your phone?” Goatee asked the blind man and then spoke to the smart phone’s avatar helper PANDORA, “would you please send that last photo taken to the following mobile phone number?”.

Goatee then said aloud the number.

The number belonged to Calgary’s resident white supremacist leader Brutus Campbell.

Goatee included a text message with the photo of the fat ugly blimp that said, “Hey asshole as you’re busy shooting your mouth off about the superiority of the white race, take a look at this photo of this fat ugly blimp which is what the majority of white women look like in this city since you’re too stupid to have noticed.”

Goatee then pressed Send.

Brutus Campbell had moments before just received a text message with accompanying selfie from a black man in drag who said, “Hey, I just met an acquaintance who said that you’ve recently come out of the closet and you’re looking for a gay trannie to show you the ropes- the BDSM ropes that is.”

No sooner had Brutus Campbell looked at the photo of the black man in drag then the photo of the white raced fat ugly blimp (that Pan Goatee had sent him) appeared to him.

“Egad! I’m blind! I’m blind!” Brutus Campbell shouted in what a Master’s Degree student in Classical Greek (who was writing his Master’s thesis on the plays of Sophocles) considered the worst performance of Oedipus Rex that he had ever seen as he walked by.

. . .

The toupee wearing man they call Donald Trump was en route to Singapore.

As he noticed red spider monkey fur dandruff drops falling out of his toupee, he wondered if there were any porn stars aboard the plane ✈️ who would be willing to give him a blow job.

He asked one of his aides to find him one.

Trump had just been attending the G-7 Summit in La Malbaie in the Canadian province of Quebec.

Originally Trump had signed on to the La Malbaie G-7 Summit communique but after watching a televised statement that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made at a press conference, the U.S. leader threw a temper tantrum and instructed his aides to say he was now signing off.

As Trump thought about how well he was personally defending the interests of American labour, industry and agriculture, he bit into a piece of Alberta grown steak 🥩 that he had asked be prepared for him.

As Trump bit into the steak 🥩 that had been prepared for him by the Cactus 🌵 Club restaurant in downtown Calgary, he choked on the extremely tough piece of meat.

“There will be Hell to pay for this,” Trump shouted as he angrily sent a text message to Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 9th
2018.

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Donald Trump Hears of Dr. Faustus Imhotep

March 29, 2018 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Science-Fiction, Technology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Donald Trump Hears of Dr. Faustus Imhotep

“Who’s the leading scientist at DARPA?” Donald Trump asked one of his leading advisors.

“That would be Dr. Faustus Imhotep,” his advisor replied.

“Dr. Faustus Imhotep?” Trump’s hair stood on end, “That’s an unusual name.”

“He’s a German Egyptian,” his advisor replied.

“A German Egyptian?” Trump pasted his hair back down with hair gel, “He isn’t a Muslim is he?”.

“I believe he’s a worshipper of the coming AI god whom he calls Diablotron,” his advisor answered.

“Diablotron?” Trump’s hair stood on end again, “I’ve never heard of him.”

“He’s the god of the future Singularity according to Dr. Faustus Imhotep,” his advisor said.

“What’s Dr. Faustus Imhotep a doctor of?” Trump asked, “The reason I ask is I’ve had this major pain in my ass the past few days…”

“The world has had a major pain in the ass since January 20th of last year,” Trump’s English valet Lexington remarked as he put some Black Forest ham sandwiches and other snacks down on Trump’s desk.

“Really?” Trump used a piece of sliced baloney to pat his hair back down, “I hadn’t heard about that.”

“Dr. Faustus Imhotep has both a Ph.D in Physics and a Ph.D in Biochemistry from Cambridge University to answer your question,” the aide answered Trump’s question.

“Weren’t you telling me, Lexington, that the world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes studied both Literature and Theology at Cambridge University?” Trump asked as he ate the very oily and greasy piece of baloney he held in his hands.

“That is correct, sir,” Lexington poured coffee ☕️.

“So,” Trump put Coffee Mate in his coffee, “what is this DARPA scientist Dr. Faustus Imhotep currently working on?”.

“He’s making a female genetic clone of the DARPA contract assassin and world famous serial killer Pan Goatee,” his aide replied.

“Good God,” Trump spit out his coffee and sprayed it all over his aide’s face, “I hope she isn’t going to kill ugly looking men the way Pan Goatee kills ugly looking women.”

Trump was wondering whether he should change his hair colouring in lieu of this shocking tidbit of information.

“I don’t believe so, sir,” the aide gratefully accepted a towel from Lexington to wipe his face, “Dr. Faustus Imhotep has said he’s eliminated obsessive belief in the aesthetic theories of Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche from her intellectual make-up so she won’t go into a homicidal rage every time she sees an ugly person.”

“That’s wonderful to hear,” Trump tweeted People don’t spray people, Coffee sprays people on his Twitter account, “so I don’t have to change my hair colouring.”

“Pope Francis has said that there is no Hell but there will still be Hell toupee then,” Lexington remarked.

“No Hell?” Trump looked shocked, “Then where will I be able to tell people to go?”.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something, sir,” Lexington yawned.

“What’s Dr. Faustus Imhotep going to call this genetically cloned twin sister of Pan Goatee?” Trump asked.

“Panty Goatee,” his aide replied.

“And whose panties will she be wearing?” Trump asked as he took another sip of coffee.

“She was given a 1000 pairs by Stormy Daniels,” his aide answered.

Trump spit out coffee in his aide’s face again.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 29th
2018.

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