Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary
Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary
Today was the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s 250th birthday.
To celebrate the occasion the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI and was the leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party (this particular Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus back in June 2015) was going to blow out 250 candles on a huge Black Forest cake on the banks of the River Seine in Paris.
Medusa (the ex-Gorgon who had married the Kraken with Pope Francis’ papal blessing back in January 2017) led the assembled crowd on the banks of the Seine into singing Happy Birthday.
Medusa and the Paris Impromtu Singers sang,
“Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Napoleon,
Happy Birthday to you…”
Everyone whistled and applauded.
The ghost of the Emperor Napoleon (who had been granted temporary dispensational leave from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone for this occasion) wiped spectral tears from his ghostly eyes.
The Kraken leaned over to blow the 250 candles out on the Black Forest cake when he suddenly noticed that he had totally run out of hot air (he had used up his hot air giving a speech in the European Parliament yesterday on the subject of climate change).
His inability to blow out the candles started a massive fire on the Black Forest (that is the cake and not the forest in southwestern Germany).
Napoleon VI the Kraken got one of his tentacles (as opposed to one of his testicles) caught on fire and started dancing up and down the banks of the River Seine going, “Ooch! Ouch! Ooch! Ouch!”.
At that moment an otter called Jefferey de Montmartre (a DARPA operative) dived into the River Seine causing a huge splash that put the candles and the fire out.
Medusa then began to cut the cake (which now looked more like a Baked Alaska than a Black Forest cake) and started handing slices out.
Today was also the 50th Anniversary of the start of the Woodstock Music Festival.
Billed as “an Aquarian exposition: 3 days of peace and music”, it was held at Max Yasgur’s 600-acre dairy farm in Bethel, New York.
Interestingly enough, there was a pot-smoking hippy coincidentally named Rip Van Weedwrinkle who had fallen asleep just before the concert 50 years ago and now had just woken up 50 years later in one miraculous feat of survival (all a testament to the power of British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula marijuana).
He woke up singing, “What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”.
He raised himself up, brushed the cobwebs out of his long graying hair and beard and looked around at the empty fields that surrounded him.
“Hey, where is everybody?” He called out, “When does the concert start? Anyone?”.
His voice echoed through the empty fields and was answered by the Aquarian Age moo of a cow in the distance.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2019.
Reblog of The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame
A vampire novel chapter I wrote 3 years ago about how the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI – A cyborg octopus with metallic tentacles – formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus and his wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (now very beautiful looking since Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands II gave her a radical haircut and cut all the snakes off her head) got themselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral.
Medusa: So much sexier since she got rid of her millenia of bad hair days of viperous snakes and dandruff flakes
The Crunch Kraken of Notre Dame
After the Kraken found out he was unable to defeat the Cherubim with their flaming swords that guarded the Tree of Life at the east of the Garden of Eden, he quickly fled the Middle East.
Medusa herself stayed behind to do some shopping in the fashion districts of Dubai.
She caught up with the Kraken in Paris.
The Kraken, who in his former pre-Kraken existence had been the noted Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus, now called himself Napoleon VI.
Since today was December 2nd, he decided he’d officially Crown himself Emperor of the French since it was on this date back in 1804 that Napoleon I had crowned himself Emperor of France at Notre Dame Cathedral and it was on this date back in 1852 that Napoleon III had proclaimed himself Emperor of the French.
Napoleon VI went down to the Louvre…
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Pope Francis Meets The Kraken
Pope Francis Meets The Kraken
Pope Francis was in his bedroom reading a book when suddenly the door opened and in walked a kraken.
“You’re a kraken?” Said Pope Francis who was somewhat startled 😱.
“That I am,” said the Kraken as he bowed, “I am the Kraken known as Napoleon VI the self-proclaimed Emperor of the French.”
“It seems to me that no one else has accepted your proclamation,” Francis wiped his glasses with a tissue.
“Sadly that is true,” the Kraken admitted as he sprayed underarm deodorant under all 8 of his tentacled arms, “but after a few years of Emmanuel Macron, I’m sure the French will come around to my way of thinking.”
“What do you want with me?” Asked Francis who was still slightly taken aback by the fact that there was a Kraken in his room.
“I hear that you have the original manuscripts of the Sibylline Prophecies in the Vatican Archives,” the Kraken helped himself to cheese and crackers off the papal night table, “I was wondering if you could give me written permission to visit the Vatican Archives so I can examine them.”
Pope Francis reached for a pen and a sheet of paper and then looked at the Kraken, “If I give you such written permission, do you promise to leave here quietly?”.
“I do,” the Kraken reached into his knapsack and pulled out 8 pairs of slippers, “and just to show you I have good faith, I’ll put these on now.”
The Kraken started putting the slippers on his 8 tentacled arms, “With these on, you won’t hear a single peep as I walk away from this room.”
“Relieved to hear it,” the Pope used a handkerchief to wipe sweat off his brow, “What do you want with the Sibylline Prophecies?”.
“I was listening to Coast-To-Coast AM with George Noory on short-wave radio last night,” the Kraken explained, “and the guest mentioned that there was a reference in the Sibylline Prophecies to a Kraken arising in the last days.”
“Really?” Pope Francis bit the end of his pen, “Isn’t that the Kraken of whom Zeus says “Release the Kraken!” at the end of time.”
“Oh, it’s that Kraken,” the self-proclaimed Emperor Napoleon VI looked disappointed, “I hear Zeus is keeping that Kraken in one of the Set Enterprises laboratory aquariums under the monitoring of Dr. Cadbury Rocher.”
“You mean to say the Greek god Zeus actually exists?” Pope Francis’ jaw dropped.
“Yes,” the Kraken Napoleon VI nodded vigorously, “Didn’t you know that one of your own Cardinals- the Cardinal JM- actually worships him in secret and prays to him all the time instead of the Catholic God of whom you said that there is no Catholic God.”
Pope Francis shook his head, “No, I had no idea that Cardinal JM was a Zeus worshipper.”
The Pope bit the end of his glasses thoughtfully.
“What are you thinking about?” The Kraken asked as he took the Vatican Archives entry permission slip with papal signature on it.
“I was just thinking maybe I should name Cardinal JM to be in charge of Vatican Inter-Faith and Inter-Religious Dialogue,” the Pontiff mused aloud.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 26th
2018.
Michelangelo’s Dream of Raymond Red Reddington and Saad Hariri
Michelangelo’s Dream of Raymond Red Reddington and Saad Hariri
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep in his aquarium at the Set Enterprises laboratory in London.
He was dreaming a dream about TV character Raymond Red Reddington from The Blacklist holding Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri hostage in Riyadh Saudi Arabia.
“Why are you doing this?” Saad Hariri asked Red, “I thought you were busy sharing a blacklist with law enforcement authorities in America in return for being allowed to keep your vast criminal empire. Why are you helping the Saudis?”.
“I owe Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman a favour,” Red lit a cigar, “I have nothing against you personally.”
“Why do you owe the Crown Prince a favour?” Saad asked.
“Well I must admit it’s quite embarrassing,” Red brushed cigar ash off his trousers, “A couple of years ago I was in a Paris apartment getting the best blow job I had in my life from an extremely charming and beautiful young Saudi businesswoman Miss Fatima Suleiman when unexpectedly the Saudi Religious Police (who seem to have some trouble knowing where their jurisdiction lies) came bursting into the room. They were going to charge the charming Miss Fatima with adultery and take her back to Saudi Arabia where she’d be stoned (in a different sense of that word from Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau inhaling too much pot smoke). I felt it would be a terrible tragedy for the world if it were to lose Fatima’s delicious lips of mass exhilaration. So I phoned Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman and asked that he commute her sentence and that she be allowed to remain in Paris where she could continue to perform oral healing on me. His Highness agreed on condition that I owe him a favour which he could call in at any time.”
“What became of the Saudi Religious Police officers who witnessed Fatima’s actions?” Hariri inquired.
“His Highness drafted them into the Saudi Army and sent them to the front lines of Damascus to fight Bashar al-Assad’s forces where of course they were killed immediately,” Red poured himself a glass of bourbon.
“And the favour the Crown Prince called in was for you to hold me hostage and get me to resign as Prime Minister of Lebanon 🇱🇧?” Hariri was beginning to see the light.
Reddington quickly closed the blinds.
“That is correct,” Red finished his bourbon.
“So why is the Crown Prince now allowing me to fly to Paris at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron?” Saad asked.
“Beats me,” Reddington shrugged, “For myself, I’ve always been suspicious of any French male politician who wears more makeup 💄 than Caitlyn Jenner and the Kardashian sisters put together.”
“So it’s a mystery why I’m being allowed to fly to Paris, France 🇫🇷,”
Hariri noted.
“Well there are rumours that a few days ago a kraken calling himself Napoleon VI burst into Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s palace while His Highness was hosting a seafood banquet,” Reddington opened a tin of smoked oysters, “and after eating all the seafood, the kraken demanded that His Highness release you.”
“And so as a result of the kraken’s digestive actions, I’m now flying to Paris,” Saad Hariri was impressed.
“That appears to be the case,” Red started eating the oysters using chopsticks, “as for myself, I appear to have misplaced my fork.”
“Say, Red,” Hariri looked imploringly at Reddington, “what’s the address of Miss Fatima Suleiman’s apartment in Paris?”.
Michelangelo woke up and wondered how much of his dream was reality.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 17th
2017.
Napoleon VI Looking For A Public Relations Coup
Napoleon VI Looking For A Public Relations Coup
The kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus who had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus 🐙- part octopus and part robot) had been moping around the house ever since he lost the 1st round of the French Presidential election this past April coming in 12th of the 12 Presidential candidates running.
His wife Medusa (the ex-Gorgon) was getting sick of his constant moping and his constant bellyaching for a bellyaching kraken is not a pleasant sight.
“Why don’t you do something concrete?” Medusa scolded as she stood in her new Christian Dior evening gown and read a new book explaining the possible whereabouts of ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa, “Instead of constantly complaining, do something to get your name in the news. The French electorate are regretting having elected Emmanuel Macron President. Do something positive and praiseworthy and you’ll become famous and get elected President of France next time.”
“But what can I do?” Napoleon VI wondered which one of his 8 metallic tentacled arms he should use if he was ever invited to play golf with Donald Trump.
“Well, there’s talk of a possible war between Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦 and Iran 🇮🇷. Why don’t you see if you can’t bring peace between the two countries? Then you’ll be hailed as the great peacemaker,” Medusa adjusted her gown.
“I suppose I could,” Napoleon VI realized he’d probably have to skip the Monte Carlo Monopoly Game Board Tournament if he were to do that.
. . .
The two Bedouins riding on their camels 🐫 through the Arabian Desert were startled to see a giant octopus 🐙 parachuting out of a plane ✈️ and landing on the sands not far from them.
“I say,” the Kraken Napoleon VI spoke in a Monty Python style British accent thinking that this would make him more understandable to people who only spoke Arabic, “can you direct me to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s palace in Riyadh?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 12th
2017.
A Kraken Rises As A Curtain Goes Down
A Kraken Rises As A Curtain Goes Down
There are krakens and then there are krakens.
For example there is the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI.
In his mortal life, he had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus dying from a fatal disease so he had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus 🐙- part machine and part living octopus 🐙 (given a special serum of Kraken immortality that had been developed by Dr. Poseidon Prometheus’ British mad scientist friend Dr. Cadbury Rocher who had in his possession in a secret aquarium the Greek god Zeus’ own personal Kraken who is released into the world’s oceans 🌊 whenever Zeus shouts “Release the Kraken!”).
Prior to uploading his consciousness into the cyborg octopus body, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had also placed a portion of the brain of the original French Emperor Napoleon I (that he had in his possession) into the octopus’ brain.
Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had been a big admirer of both Emperor Napoleon I and Emperor Napoleon III so wanted a piece of Napoleonic brain before venturing forth into cyborg octopus immortality.
Shortly after he became a Kraken, Napoleon VI (as he now called himself) had met and fell in love 😍 with the ex-Gorgon Medusa whom Dr. Cadbury Rocher had recently revived from the dead having reunited her original head and her original body. Medusa had been restored to her original beauty after Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robotic barber (that he called Edward Scissorhands II) had given the Gorgon’s snake 🐍 ridden hairstyle 💁 a thorough cut and chopping.
Edward Scissorhands II had then applied a natural hair growth formula (that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had developed) to Medusa’s scalp and the now ex-Gorgon’s natural human hair grew back.
Napoleon VI had himself crowned Emperor of France 🇫🇷 as the Emperor Napoleon VI in Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral a couple of years ago with the papal blessing of Pope Francis for the coronation ceremony.
However the one hitch turned out to be that no one in France itself recognized the coronation.
To correct the situation, Napoleon VI and Medusa had started their own political party 🎉 in France the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party earlier this year.
The two member party 🎉 then nominated Napoleon VI as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President of France.
The plan was that when Napoleon VI was elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum asking the French people to elect him Emperor of the French.
But alas the best laid plans of Kraken and ex-Gorgon, they often go astray.
Napoleon VI wound up in 12th and last place of the 12 Presidential candidates running in the 1st round French Presidential election.
The heavy make-up wearing Emmanuel Macron then won the Presidency of France in the subsequent run-off election- a decision which the citizens of France 🇫🇷 had now come to regret.
They would have been better to choose calamari with their cheese 🧀 rather than a piece of rouge wearing white chocolate 🍫 macron.
Meanwhile over in the Caribbean, the North Korean ship The Red Scorpion 🦂 was transmitting a satellite broadcast of North Korean despot Kim Jong-un reciting aloud passages from a medieval Korean copy of The Necronomicon.
The Red Scorpion had entered the Caribbean on August 17th and had begun broadcasting aloud the Kim Jong-un oral readings from The Necronomicon (Medieval Korean edition) the same day that a then Tropical Storm ⛈ called Harvey had formed.
That day a Kraken called Uhluhtc had risen from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea 🌊 following Kim Jong-un’s readings from The Necronomicon.
Uhlucth’s thrashings had led to Harvey forming and then Irma forming and then Jose forming and then Katia forming.
And those were only from Uhlucth thrashing at the bottom of the sea.
Only the gods knew what storms would form as Uhlucth made his way to the top.
Meanwhile in Paris, the curtain came down after 30 seconds as Napoleon VI auditioned for the role of the Phantom in a Paris production of The Phantom of The Opera with the director screaming “Next!”.
Aboard the Red Scorpion, Captain Dragon Sun the ship’s head officer was watching the 1942 horror film The Cat People on his television when his phone went off.
Another Necronomicon satellite transmission from Pyongyang was coming through.
“Next!” The captain shouted to his ship’s communications officer.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 8th
2017.
Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day
Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day
U.S. President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron sat next to each other as they watched the Bastille Day parade on the Champs-Élysées.
Behind the two men, the ghost of Humphrey Bogart said to the ghost of Claude Rains, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
The previous evening Macron had taken Trump to dinner in the Jules Verne restaurant on top of the Eiffel Tower with its spectacular view of Paris.
The individual Robur Pike who called himself Robur The Conquerer II sailed by in his helicopter airship The Albatross II and eavesdropped on the conversation.
When today’s parade was over, Macron took Trump back to a room in the French Presidential Palace where they continued their discussion.
Behind them (and oblivious to the two men) the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (who formerly had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus) swung on a chandelier directly above them.
The Kraken Napoleon VI’s wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgoness and her 10 million bad hair days and nights by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) stood at a table sipping champagne with U. S. First Lady Melania Trump.
Napoleon VI had run as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President in the first round French Presidential election a few months ago.
Since he had come in 12th and last place in that contest, he didn’t make it to the 2nd round which had been won by Mr. Macron.
As the Kraken swung from the chandelier above the heads of Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron, he sang his own personal paraphrased version of a popular World War I song,
Let every good fellow now join in our song,
Vive le Kraken eh?
Success to each other and pass it along,
Vive le Kraken eh?
Chorus:
Vive la, vive la
Vive l’amour.
Vive la, vive la,
vive l’amour.
Vive l’amour, vive l’amour,
Vive le Kraken eh?
A friend on your left and a friend on your right,
Vive le Kraken eh?
In love and good fellowship let us unite,
Vive le Kraken eh?
(Kraken repeats chorus)
Now wider and wider our circle expands,
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll sing to our comrades in far away lands
Vive le Kraken eh?
(Kraken repeats chorus)
With friends all around us we’ll sing out our song
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll banish our troubles, it won’t take us long
Vive le Kraken eh?
(Kraken repeats chorus)
Should time or occasion compel us to part
Vive le Kraken eh?
These days shall forever enliven our heart
Vive le Kraken eh?
(At that point, the Kraken fell from the chandelier before he could sing the chorus for the final time)
The Kraken got up after falling and said crying 😭 in a Monty Python Mr. Gumby style voice, “I hit me head on the table.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 14th
2017.
French Presidential Election: A Defeat For The Kraken
The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI was in a total state of shock.
In his mortal human life the Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus.
Dying of a fatal disease, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus (part robot and part octopus) with metallic hooked tentacled arms.
He had later met and fell in love with the ex-gorgon Medusa (Medusa had been cured of her Gorgoness and her snaky hairstyle (that turned people to stone) by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
Back on December 2nd 2015 on a whim, Napoleon VI had himself and Medusa crowned Emperor and Empress of France respectively at Notre Dame Cathedral. The coronation had received the papal blessing of Pope Francis. (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/12/02/the-crunch-kraken-of-notre-dame/ )
But despite that, the Imperial coronation had not been recognized by the French government, the French National Assembly, the French judiciary or even the French people.
To rectify that situation, this year the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to run for President of France.
Once elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum to have himself proclaimed Emperor of the French.
Back in January, he had even started his own political party for this purpose the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.
He had received the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party nomination for President unanimously (since he and Medusa were the only members of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party).
But to paraphrase Robbie Burns, “the best laid plans of mice and Kraken, they often go astray”.
Because in yesterday’s first round Presidential election in France, he had come in in 12th and last place.
Napoleon VI blamed the media for his defeat.
They only talked about the 11 candidates running for President during the election.
Forgetting that there was a 12th candidate- himself the Kraken Napoleon VI- the Aquarian Age Bonapartist candidate.
Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron and far-rightist candidate Marine Le Pen would both advance to the next and final round of the French Presidential election.
Now in each of the Kraken’s eight tentacled arms, he held a bottle of Napoleon Brandy.
He finished off each bottle.
Medusa who was trying on new dresses that she had bought herself today (to console her grief) looked over at her husband.
He was going to one Hell of a hangover, she thought to herself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 24th
2017.
Pope Francis Gets A Letter From The Ex-Gorgon Medusa
Pope Francis was in his bed reading The Communist Manifesto and The Collected Writings of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin as well as a new book Towards Better Ecumenical Relations With The Jehovah’s Witnesses (which was written by a Brooklyn Jesuit).
“Holy Father…” one of his aides entered the room.
“Please call me Francis,” Francis directed.
“Francis…” his aide suddenly changed his train of thought, “You haven’t been drinking have you, Holy Father?”.
“What makes you say that?” Francis looked at his aide.
“Your nose is awfully red,” his aide pointed at it.
“Oh, that,” Francis felt his nose and pulled off a red clown nose, “This was given to me as a gift by yet another circus troupe visiting the Vatican.”
“Oh, I see, Holy Father… I mean, Francis,” his aide corrected himself and then returned to the gist of his original thought and reason for calling on the Pope, “You’ve received yet another letter from Medusa.”
“The former Gorgon?” Pope Francis took off his glasses and stopped reading.
The former Gorgon Medusa had been brought back to life and de-Gorgonized a couple of years earlier by Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher (who had a habit of reviving all things mythological- particularly all things relating to classical Greco-Roman mythology).
Back in December 2015, Medusa had contacted Francis regarding her common law partner The Kraken (who called himself Napoleon VI) and her Medusa being crowned Emperor and Empress of France in Notre Dame Cathedral that month.
Medusa was worried that she might be called “a loose woman and a harlot” if she participated in the Coronation ceremony since Napoleon VI had never formally married her or even made her a proposal of marriage.
Pope Francis was unsure how to answer the question so he had passed the matter off to one of his theological advisors Cardinal Walter Kasper of Germany.
Cardinal Kasper told Medusa not to worry and to go ahead with the ceremony.
Now Medusa was contacting Francis regarding she and her husband The Kraken being able to receive Communion in a Catholic church.
She and the Kraken were now formally married, Medusa explained.
A Siberian shaman in Vladivostok had performed their marriage ceremony this past New Year’s Day.
She Medusa had converted to the Greek Orthodox Church last year and her husband The Kraken (a former atheist) had converted to both Nepalese Buddhism and the U.S. Southern Baptist Convention last year.
She was wondering if under those circumstances, she and her husband would still be eligible to receive Communion in the Catholic Church.
Pope Francis directed his aide to once again pass the question on to Cardinal Walter Kasper.
His aide bowed and left the room.
Francis once again put on his red clown nose and went to sleep fully confident that Cardinal Kasper would grant Medusa’s request for Communion in the affirmative.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 13th
2017.
Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego
Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego
The Kraken who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into a cyborgic octopus cybrid) was suntanning himself on a beach near San Diego, California.
His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had her head reattached to her body and her beauty restored- no more snaky dandruff flakes falling out of her hair- by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was lying next to him in a bikini.
She turned over.
“Say dear,” she whispered, “would you mind putting some suntan lotion on my back?”.
“All right,” the Kraken picked up the Coppertone suntanning lotion with one of his eight arms and put some of the lotion on his tentacles (careful not to put some on his metallic cyborg hooks) and started rubbing her back applying the lotion.
“Oh God, that feels good,” Medusa moaned, “I think I’ll have an orgasm right here on the beach.”
The Kraken suddenly stopped applying the lotion, “How do Californians feel about displays of orgasms in public?”.
“You’ve never seen too many TV shows or movies about California have you?” Medusa looked at him.
“I was always too busy leafing through textbooks and scientific journals,” the ex-scientist turned Kraken recalled, “the closest I got to anything Californian was eating a bunch of California raisins one time. Which almost got me deported from Italy for offending Tuscan grape growers.”
A guy walking along the beach in dark sunglasses suddenly spots the Kraken.
“Hey,” the man walked up to him, “aren’t you the same Kraken who appeared in that Geico commercial on TV where you jumped out of a water hazard on a golf course and devoured a bunch of golfers?”.
“I’m the same Kraken all right,” Napoleon VI smiled photogenically.
“I was once beheaded by the Greek hero Perseus,” Medusa spoke up anxious for the sandals and Hawaiian shorts and dark sunglasses wearing dude to be impressed by her as well.
“I never saw that movie,” the dude replied, “although my kids did.”
“Oh,” Medusa looked disappointed.
“Can I have your autograph?” The dude asked the Kraken.
“Sure,” the Kraken smiled again, “do you have a pen on you?”.
The dude reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a pen bearing the logo Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada.
The Kraken took the pen with one of his tentacles and autographed the dude’s autograph book.
“Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada?” The Kraken looked at the logo on the pen, “Did you ever run into a shapeshifting hamster/human called Renfield R. Renfield who often shops there?”.
“I have on quite a number of occasions,” the dude nodded, “in fact it was Mr. Renfield’s posting a photo of him and me together in a hot tub with a bunch of working girls on that ranch on his Facebook page that has allowed me to add the title of having an ex-wife to my list of accomplishments.”
“Renfield often has the habit of leaving chaos in his wake,” the Kraken acknowledged.
“Yes, you should try Renfield’s primordial void soup,” Medusa grimaced, “I was sick for days afterwards.”
“I must admit it didn’t go well with my Kraken digestive system either,” Napoleon VI recalled.
“Can I get a selfie with you and Medusa together?” The dude asked, “My golfing buddies will be so thrilled with you Mr. Kraken and my children will go nuts over seeing you Medusa with your head attached and minus all those slithering creepy crawly viper venomous reptiles in your curly locks of hair.”
“Sure,” the Kraken and Medusa agreed.
As they got their picture taken with the dude’s smart phone, Bernie Sanders was walking along the beach handing out his Presidential campaign literature.
“Excuse me,” Sen. Sanders addressed them, “but you three aren’t registered Democrats by any chance are you?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 15th 2016.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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