Will Dracula Be The Next Pope?

July 27, 2021 at 10:12 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Samhain Cardinal Salaman was sitting in his office at the Vatican.

Although Francis required all Vatican employees and visitors to be be vaccinated with the Covid non-vaccine (none of the so-called vaccines for Covid were technically vaccines but rather genetic serums but most of the public was too dumb and gullible to know that. Since Big Pharma, Big Government, Big Business and the mainstream media called it a vaccine, it was obviously a vaccine to them), since most of those working at the Vatican were paying more attention to their gay sex hook-up Grindr apps on their phone rather than who was vaccinated, nobody bothered to note that Samhain Cardinal Salaman had never been vaccinated.

Salaman was informed that he had a visitor.

Sergius Materiy the Russian Orthodox Archbishop of Astana, Kazakhstan.

Salaman invited the Archbishop into his office.

“What can I do for you, your Eminence?” Salaman asked the Archbishop.

“I’m here to discuss something your Eminence,” The Archbishop answered, “Since you work in the Vatican, you are probably more aware than I am about the rumours swirling around that Francis is on the verge of kicking the bucket. Hence his reasoning and his rush to proclaim the motu proprio Traditionis custodes into law and restrict the celebration of the Tridentine Mass.”

“Yes, I’ve heard those rumours,” Cardinal Salaman nodded, “I’ve been told that the only one who hates the Latin Tridentine Mass more than Francis is Lucifer himself.”

“His recent operation wasn’t as successful as he and his doctors had hoped?” Archbishop Materiy asked.

“I’ve been told (unofficially of course) that his main trouble is his reaction to the Covid non-vaccine that he received earlier this year,” Salaman replied.

“Anyways, the reason I’m here is…” the Astana Archbishop paused, “Well you no doubt heard that a few years ago an expedition was sent to Castle Dracula in Transylvania in order to remove the wooden stake from Prince Vlad III Dracula’s heart and bring him back from the dead. The purpose being to have Vlad III Dracula fight the ISIS Islamic State in Syria and also to stop Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan from bringing back the Ottoman Empire with himself as Sultan.”

“Yes, I’ve heard that was the purpose in bringing Prince Vlad III Dracula back from the dead,” The Cardinal nodded.

“Anyways I’m going to give you this document,” Materiy handed him a piece of paper, “It describes a plan for a post-Francis world. A world where Dracula is the next Pope.”

“Dracula as the next Pope?” Salaman was astounded, “But Dracula currently isn’t even a Cardinal. How will he get to be Pope?”.

“Read on, MacDuff,” The Archbishop paraphrased Shakespeare as he pointed towards the document.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 27th
2021.

Countess Draculina daughter of Count Dracula ponders the question, “Will my father Count Dracula be the next Pope?”.

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Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane Meet The Brides of Dracula

March 13, 2021 at 10:53 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Gothic romance, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been binge watching episodes of the old TV series Frasier.

He then binge watched a Dracula movie marathon.

When that was over, he set his water proof alarm clock moving the time an hour ahead as tomorrow would be the start of Daylight Savings Time.

He then lay back on his water proof pillow and fell asleep.

He had a dream whereby Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane met the Brides of Dracula.

Niles: This is all your fault, Frasier. I don’t really relish the idea of walking around a spooky Transylvanian castle. It doesn’t really cut the mustard in my opinion. Hot doggetty!

Frasier: Niles, I wish you’d stop using those weird euphemisms uttered by that pot smoking hot dog salesman doing those late night infomercials advertising American cuisine recipes you can do in hot tubs. And why is it my fault? You were the one who insisted on giving two rather large glasses of sherry to my BMW’s GPS before we set out on this road trip.

Niles: Yes, well if you had stopped to ask for directions from that transgendered transvestite in the baked potato costume in Boisie, Idaho, we might not be in this mess.

Frasier: No, we might be in a bigger mess.

Niles: What could possibly be a bigger mess than a spooky Transylvanian castle?

Frasier: How about social distancing from a perfect 10 fashion model during a pandemic?

Niles: Frasier, I refuse to believe you dated a perfect 10 fashion model.

Frasier: So does everybody else.

Niles (pointing to a door): Where do you suppose this leads?

Frasier: Oh, I don’t know, Niles. Why don’t you open it and see how many other headwaiters with Hungarian accents lying in coffins we can come across? I haven’t donated so much blood since that multiple radio station personality blood donor challenge in Seattle way back in the day.

Niles (opening door and looking in): It’s the Brides of Dracula.

Frasier (looking in): My God, you’re right, Niles.

Niles: Frasier, I haven’t had so many erotic images and fantasies going through my mind since I first read that scene with the brides of Dracula in Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula as a sophomore back in prep school.

Frasier: That wouldn’t have been the night before the headmaster ordered that major steamcleaning of your mattress?

Niles: Frasier, I wish you hadn’t brought that up.

Frasier: Your mattress probably wished the same thing at the time as well.

Brides of Dracula (calling out): Niles, Frasier!

Niles (rushing in): I regret that I have but one life to give for my fantasy.

Frasier: Niles, quit being such a ham!

(Frasier rushes in)

Frasier: Be a blood sausage like me.

Voice of Count Dracula (singing in the background): I don’t know what to do with that tossed salad and scrambled eggs. They’re calling again.

Voice of Announcer: Good night, Transylvania.

The End.

-A Frasier Meets Brides of Dracula Episode
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 13th
2021.

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Gina Esmeralda

February 27, 2021 at 11:30 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The gypsy Gina Esmeralda opened the door

“Count Dracula,” she smiled, “I bid you welcome.”

It was February of the year 1871.

The location was a small inn in Britanny, France.

“You’ve heard of me?” The Transylvanian nobleman and former Wallachian prince was surprised.

“My people live all over Europe,” Gina Esmeralda smiled, “so yes, I’ve heard of you.”

“Then you’re aware that I am a…”

“Vampire?” Gina Esmeralda finished the Count’s sentence for him, “Yes, I’m aware. I hope you won’t be a pain in the neck to me or any of my guests.”

“I’ve fed on a few sheep in the region,” the vampire explained, “so yes, my thirst has been quenched.”

“Poor sheep,” Gina Esmeralda reflected aloud, “so if you are the the perfect gentleman with my guests and me, I won’t have to summon the priest to sprinkle you with Holy Water.”

“No, you won’t,” Dracula remarked, “Who are your other guests?”.

“I am Loki the Norse trickster god,” said Loki who was eating a huge piece of roast beef.

“And I am Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun,” said Yaldabaoth who likewise was eating a large piece of roast beef.

“Both your guests seem to be immortals,” Dracula turned towards Gina Esmeralda, “so they have nothing to worry about from me.”

“Although,” Yaldabaoth spoke up, “According to the Irish High King Brian Boru’s Medieval Treatise On Leprechaun Ailments, there are a small variety of foods that could kill me but fortunately roast beef is not one of them.”

“And what are you doing here in Britanny?” Dracula turned towards Loki.

“I’ve been giving advice to Prussian Chancellor Otto von Bismarck on how to defeat France in this Franco-Prussian War so that France will lose its continental power and the German states can band together and form one nation,” Loki explained, “under the rule of the King of Prussia as Emperor of Germany of course.”

“Well you’ve already finished off Napoleon III and the Second Empire this past September,” Dracula noted, “And its successor the recently proclaimed Third Republic has pretty well thrown in the towel as far as war with Prussia is concerned.”

“Indeed it has,” Loki grinned as he drank his beer, “So Germany unveiled a constitution and united last month with Prussia’s king as Emperor.”

“Why do you seek a united Germany?” Dracula inquired.

“The German peoples used to worship me and my fellow gods of the Norse pantheon and I hope if they become politically and militarily powerful, they might do so again.”

Gina Esmeralda let out a small cry as the vision of a rotating and spinning black sun in a white circle against a blood red background entered her mind.

“You all right, Gina?” A concerned Yaldabaoth asked.

Loki laughed.

“Yes, I am,” Gina Esmeralda answered.

The beautiful gypsy walked over to the bar.

“Would you care for some wine, Count?” The gypsy asked.

“I wouldn’t mind,” Dracula smiled.

“Strange,” Gina Esmeralda steadied herself on the bar, “I just had a vision of a man with an accent similar to yours, Count. He was dressed like a Paris head waiter but wearing a cape as well and saying to someone, “I don’t drink… wine.” While standing in an old castle.”

“Not a very good countryman of mine if he doesn’t drink wine,” Dracula gratefully took the glass.

“Someday, you’ll be famous, Count,” Gina Esmeralda seemed to gaze into the future, “Books will be written about you and moving pictures made.”

“Moving pictures?” Yaldabaoth looked baffled.

“Photographs that move,” Gina Esmeralda explained.

“That sounds eerie,” Yaldabaoth gazed at a photograph of a Breton werewolf on the dining room wall, “a photograph that moves.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 27th
2021.

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Wilkie The Cat As Count Dracula: A Halloween Theatrical Poem

October 29, 2018 at 10:43 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Narrator:

Gather around, all ye folks,
If you’re Canadian, watch your tokes,
In this theatre, pot is for peeing and not for smokes.
Our story begins here on Broadway
where Donald Trump sought starlets to lay
before Vladimir Putin turned him gay

Oprah Winfrey (as a transgendered Othello) :

Oh where, oh where is Desdemona?
I lie here in bed making many a moana
but I hear no Desdemona a groana.

Narrator:

Ms. Winfrey, you’re in the wrong theatre
this is what happens when you drink too much beera
The LGBTQ production of Othello is next door
please watch those Jesuit condoms on the floor
as from this theatre to that, you kindly pass
while Pope Francis’ order celebrates a Baphomet Mass

Oprah:

Oh damn, oh damn,
so much for a grand slam,
Roseanne Barr plays a transgendered Iago
while Donald Trump calls Robert Mueller a fago.

Narrator:

And now Oprah is moving her ass
as from this theatre to that, she kindly does pass
And now we shall begin our own theatrical tale
as Greenpeace activist encounters a methane gas producing carbon emissions whale
caused by Jefferey the otter’s cooked extra spicy pork and beans tipping the scale

And the good ship Demeter crashes
as Mina Harker bats her eyelashes
for the methane gas producing whale has sunk the ship
while Greenpeace activist takes a Justin Trudeau inspired trip
And Count Dracula (played by Wilkie the Cat) swims ashore
while his coffin is carried by a yarmulke wearing rabbi wild boar
it’s a good thing the boar is no porcine Hannibal Lecter
otherwise his culinary tastes would violate the Mosaic laws inspector

I forgot to mention that Mitzi la feline actress Parisienne plays Mina Harker
as Dr. Jack Seward’s asylum patient Renfield eats Peter Parker
Spiderman is now gone
a marvel of a swan song
Lackey of Christopher Lee has triumphed over a Lee named Stan
as Antifa takes a statue of Robert E. into the can

The Confederate military hero
is to the political left a great big zero
even though he freed his own slaves long before did Ulysses S. Grant
but this is all ignored in a New York Times rant

Dracula swims ashore near Whitby Abbey
where Canterbury’s ex-ArchDruid Rowan Williams looks crabby
he should have had the lobster flambe instead of crabs a l’amour
given him while dallying with a young French paramour

And Jonathan Harker (played by Kelsey Grammer) watches in horror
as Dracula seduces his sweet love Lenore
oops! – wrong script! – Poe’s The Raven is the performance for tomorrow night
as this Wilkie production of Dracula shuts down this theatre’s marquee light

As Dr. Abraham Van Helsing played by David Hyde Pierce
moves in to collect Dracula’s Transylvanian government tax arrears
he stabs the vampiric nobleman through the heart
as the carbon emissions whale in the sea lets out one last fart.
Both Greenpeace activist and Count Dracula are now dead
The janitor will have to wipe the spot where Wilkie has bled
for a real stake was mistakenly used instead of a prop
the hazards of hiring for a prop hand a drunken sop.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 27th
2018.


Desdemona’s Death Scene by Dante Gabriel Rosetti
A scene from a 19th Century British production of William Shakespeare’s Othello
very different from an early 21st Century American production of Othello

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Dracula and The 95 Theses of Martin Luther

February 28, 2018 at 11:48 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Dracula and The 95 Theses of Martin Luther

Pope Alexander VI (Rodrigo Borgia) was walking incognito among the people in the streets of Rome on October 13th 1497.

He suddenly noticed a very very beautiful woman in an elegantly styled red dress walking the street.

The Borgia Pope (as he was called by his enemies) was definitely not immune to the charms of beautiful women despite his professed vows of priestly celibacy which he never really followed.

He walked over in her direction when he saw her.

The woman who noticed his approach smiled him a very warm and sensuous smile.

“Good evening, your Holiness,” she said in a voice as sultry as the warm autumn night over Rome.

“You know me?” The Pope was temporarily startled.

“I am the Cumaean Sibyl,” the woman replied, “There currently are and there will be many more in the future who say you definitely do not deserve the title Holiness. In fact, it will be your reign that will be held as most responsible for the thunderbolt that will strike the Church and the Papacy 20 years hence.”

“Thunderbolt? Twenty years hence?” Alexander VI was taken aback.

“Of course nothing to the foundations that will be shaken when a kraken meets the Pope over 520 years from now during the time of a rare snowstorm in Rome,” the Sibyl replied with a knowing smile prior to vanishing in the Roman night.

. . .

It was the evening of October 31st 1517 and the vampire Dracula was walking the streets of Wittenberg, Germany with some personal business he had to attend to.

He suddenly stopped in his tracks when he noticed a hooded monk running down the street carrying a huge leather bound bundle of papers in his arms along with a hammer and a very long nail.

He noticed the monk run up to the doors of All Saints’ Church ⛪ in Wittenberg and nail the volume of papers to the door.

The monk then looked around and not seeing anybody (for Dracula had turned himself into a black vaporous fog) immediately ran back to his monastery from which he came.

Dracula was innately curious as to what was in the documents.

He approached the door when he started feeling physically sick.

He had forgotten about the Cross on top of the Church ⛪.

Ever since he had asked the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith to bite him on the neck and turn him into a vampire as he lay dying on a January evening in the year 1477, the condition of Lilith granting his request was that he must sell his soul to the Devil.

Dracula had agreed and he had become deathly afraid of a Cross or a Crucifix ever since.

Despite the agony he felt as he approached the door underneath the Cross of Christ, curiosity was getting the better of him.

Was this what they meant when they said curiosity killed the cat?

Would curiosity now kill the bat 🦇?

He lumbered over and reached to grab the document.

Despite the most intense sensation of heartburn 💔 he had ever felt in his life, Dracula read through the entire document.

“Well,” Dracula said to himself as he limped away from the door beneath the Cross of Christ, “this is really going to rock the boat. Maybe even cause the Barque of Peter to sink some day.”

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was reading an English translation of the Prophecies of the Cumaean Sibyl done by a Classics and Latin scholar at Cambridge University.

He had come across an interesting passage, “When a rare snowfall comes to Rome and a kraken meets with the Pope, know that…”

And then the rest of the passage wasn’t translated.

Whitstable cursed silently.

Snow had fallen in Rome Italy this past Monday.

And yesterday an anonymous source had sent him video footage from the Vatican showing a kraken entering Pope Francis’ apartment this past Monday night.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 28th
2018.

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Agamemnon and Putin

February 27, 2018 at 11:00 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Agamemnon and Putin

King Agamemnon of Mycenae was well aware that his brother Menelaus the king of Sparta was pissed.

That horny young Trojan stud Paris had run off with Menelaus’ wife Helen and had taken her back to Troy with him.

Menelaus was anxious to wage war on the Trojans.

Agamemnon wasn’t sure whether it was right to sack an entire city over the loss of one woman.

Possibly negotiations could be done with Troy and Helen could be sent back to Sparta peacefully to receive her punishment.

Ares the god of war however had different ideas.

He thought it was about time for a major global war which would result in bloodshed and great loss of life.

Ares decided to tempt Agamemnon into war.

He presented Agamemnon with visions of the immense treasures that Troy possessed.

“If you wage war on the Trojans and sack this city, all these treasures will be yours,” Ares tempted, “make unreasonable demands on the Trojans in your peace offerings. Besides the return of Helen, demand these things…”

Ares gave him a list.

“The Trojans will naturally refuse,” Ares smiled, “and then you can wage war on them. And take all their treasures for yourself.”

“And will you support me in this war?” Agamemnon asked.

“Of course,” Ares promised.

Later of course, Ares would change his mind after Aphrodite the goddess of love gave him an out of this world blow job.

He switched his support to the Trojans as a result of Aphrodite’s oral persuasion.

But in the meantime, Agamemnon was hooked on Ares’ offer.

All those hidden treasures of the Trojans went through his mind.

His mind made up, he decided to go on a deer 🦌 hunt and then make his final decision.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was reading a report on the situation in Syria.

He had been informed that the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was siding with the Turks in northern Syria while the medieval vampire Dracula was siding with the Kurds (against the Transylvanian-Wallachian nobleman’s old enemy the Turks).

Putin rubbed his head.

He had certainly come a long way from being a spy for a state based on atheistic dialectical materialism.

He had been getting loads of supernatural visitors the past few years as well as reading numerous reports of supernatural occurrences in various war zones.

“You should attack Israel 🇮🇱,” said Ares the Greek god of war who was standing in Putin’s office.

“Speak of the devil,” thought Putin who returned back to the present from his musings on the supernatural.

At one time he would have been surprised by the sudden appearance of the Greek god of war in his office but not anymore.

Ares meanwhile had just been given an out of this world blow job by Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

He had been promised a lot more if he could get Putin to attack Israel.

So Ares had promptly left Allatallahbel’s boudoir and hurried to Putin’s office.

“Why should I invade Israel?” Putin bit into his kosher smoked meat on rye sandwich.

“To take control of Israel’s hidden treasures,” Ares smiled temptingly.

“What hidden treasures?” Putin asked.

Ares then filled Putin’s mind with visions of Israel’s hidden treasures.

“I didn’t know Israel had such treasures,” Putin finished his kosher smoked meat on rye sandwich.

“It does,” said Ares whose smart phone suddenly went off.

He received a text message from his lover Aphrodite who was busy servicing an 84-year-old man with an inexhaustible mojo who lived in a small fishing 🎣 village in Italy.

“What an unfaithful floozy,” Ares said aloud before heading back to Allatallahbel’s boudoir.

Meanwhile Putin was thinking 🤔 about Ares’ visions of Israel’s hidden treasures.

He would go on a deer 🦌 hunt and then make up his mind.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 27th
2018.

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Preparations For War

February 21, 2018 at 9:58 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Preparations For War

The Spanish Civil War of 1936-39 had preceded the Nazi invasion of Poland and the outbreak of the Second World War.

In some ways, it served as a prelude to it.

The Spanish Republican side was supported by the Soviet Union, the Communist International and Mexico’s far left revolutionary government of the day.

The Spanish Nationalists were supported by Fascist Italy and Nazi Germany.

So Spain served as a backdrop for great foreign powers to conduct their proxy wars.

Far longer and bloodier than the Spanish Civil War has been the Syrian Civil War (from 2011 until the present) in which great foreign powers have likewise fought their proxy wars.

Saudi Arabia has backed Sunni Muslim militias against the Damascus led government of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad (which is supported by the government of Shiite Iran- Saudi Arabia’s arch enemy).

The U.S. supported the Kurds against the Islamist terrorist based Islamic State.

The victorious Kurds in parts of Syria now find themselves under attack by Turkish forces since the Kurds are seen as a threat to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s desire to revive the Ottoman Empire with himself as Sultan.

Russia meanwhile is backing its ally Bashar al-Assad against any and all comers who would remove Assad from power.

The Lebanese Hezbollah movement (a Shiite ally of Iran) supports Assad.

Israel is now becoming involved in the Syrian conflict because it sees its arch enemy Iran as using a victorious Assad led Syria as a launching pad to attack Israel.

So the Syrian people now find themselves being used as quite literally sacrificial pawns in proxy wars fought between outside great powers.

It was upon this landscape of blood that ancient vampiress and medieval vampire now surveyed with their eyes.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 21st
2018.

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Sherrielock Holmes Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

February 2, 2018 at 9:38 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

Sherrielock Holmes got off the elevator and entered the Champagne Bar on the 3rd floor of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

She was wearing diamond 💎 earrings, a pearl necklace and a cobalt blue evening dress.

“Sherrielock,” a melodious feminine voice called to her from a table close to a window with an excellent view of the City of Lights on this Friday night.

The voice belonged to the Egyptian vampiress Isis who wore gold earrings, a jade necklace and a crimson red evening dress.

After eating plates of escargots and drinking glasses of champagne 🥂, Isis then got down to business with Sherrielock.

“Miss Holmes, I’ll get to the point,” she finished the last of her glass of champagne 🍾, “you are the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises having replaced Renfield R. Renfield who was elected to Parliament last year and who now claims to be receiving visitations from the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill- a statement I heard him make when he was being interviewed on George Noory’s Coast To Coast AM radio show last night. Well, I want you to stop working for my evil brother and brother-in-law Set and come work for me.”

. . .

The Mossad agent who was code named The Controller of The Golem would soon be leaving his native Israel 🇮🇱.

He would be parachuting into the Afrin region of northern Syria to help the Kurds fight invading Turkish forces.

Ever since Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan gave a speech to his supporters in Turkey last year in which he said the city of Jerusalem would be part of a revived Ottoman Empire, the Israeli government was anxious to see that the Turks would not move militarily beyond their borders.

Now that the Kurds had defeated the Islamic State, Turkey was moving into parts of northern Syria to defeat the Kurds.

Israel had decided to give covert support to the Kurds against Erdogan’s Turkish forces.

The Controller had been informed that Britain would be sending him an ally to help the Kurds fight the Turks.

The name of the ally would not be transmitted to the Controller by any electronic means (phone or Internet).

Instead the name would come to the Controller written on a piece of paper in a box.

The Controller’s instructions were to open the box, read the name on the piece of paper and then burn the paper by candle and then take the ashes and mix them with tobacco and smoke them in a pipe.

The Controller looked at the box in front of him.

Written in huge medieval lettering on the box were the words PANDORA’S BOX FOR THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE.

The top of the box was decorated with a lovely painted mural of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian and the Byzantine Empress Theodora seated on their Imperial thrones in Constantinople.

The Controller of The Golem opened the box.

Inside was a folded piece of paper.

The Controller unfolded the paper and read the name written on it.

DRACULA.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 2nd
2018.

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To Overthrow Maduro

February 1, 2018 at 11:31 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

To Overthrow Maduro

Renfield R. Renfield MP was sitting in his parliamentary office drinking from his Churchillian bottle of brandy.

Churchill’s image once again left the oil painting of Sir Winston Churchill that hung in Renfield’s office and sat in the chair across from him.

“So has Dr. Cadbury Rocher brought the vampire Dracula back from the dead so we can use him as our ally in the war against Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s coming revised Ottoman Empire?” Churchill asked.

“He has,” Renfield nodded, “but I’m afraid our dear old Count will have to rest for awhile so that his buttocks can recover from the sound tomatoing that dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes gave him.”

“Hm, pity,” Churchill drank from his spectral bottle of brandy, “so Sherrielock Holmes as an immortal is very much alive. I remember I had my own buttocks tomatoed 🍅 on occasion by the lovely Miss Holmes.”

“Her whip really does seem to get around,” Renfield felt a tingling in his own buttocks.

“I think our next plan should be to overthrow the government of the Marxist despot Nicolas Maduro in Venezuela,” Churchill finished his spectral bottle of brandy.

“And what do you have in mind?” Renfield asked.

“Listen carefully,” said Churchill as he lit a spectral cigar.

Renfield drew closer and immediately started choking on the ghostly smoke 💨.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 1st
2018.

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“Kiss Me, Kate” “Bite Me!”

January 27, 2018 at 11:30 pm (Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

“Kiss Me, Kate” “Bite Me!”

Dracula was in a second floor saloon bedroom at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the Wild West town of Hayden, Colorado making out with one of the saloon dancers 💃🏻- a woman named Katherine Van Dusen.

Sherrielock Holmes had told the Wallachian prince and Transylvanian nobleman (he held the title of Count of the Carpathians in the latter country) that he could make out with the saloon dancers 💃🏻 if he chose but she had put her spiked stiletto high-heeled foot down at the idea of turning any of them into vampiresses.

The Count was indeed getting it on with the red dress wearing Katherine Van Dusen whose red dress and black silk nylons were almost off at the moment.

“Kiss me, Kate!” Dracula shouted in the only line he knew from Shakespeare’s The Taming of The Shrew.

“Bite me!” Kate answered.

“What?” Dracula looked puzzled.

“Turn me into a vampiress!” Kate demanded.

“But do you know what your boss Sherrielock will do to me if I turn you into a vampiress?” Dracula raised one of his dark eyebrows.

“What are you?” Kate mocked him, “A vampire lord or a mouse 🐭?”.

“Well some people call bats 🦇 flying mice,” Dracula reflected.

“Shut up and bite me!” Kate showed the count her ivory white neck.

Dracula finally gave in and bit her on the neck.

“Suck me! Suck me! Suck me!” Kate screamed.

A phonetics and linguistics analysis professor who was in the next bedroom with another saloon dancer 💃🏻 remarked to his nocturnal companion, “I think that poor woman next door is unable to distinguish between an s and an f.”

Dracula had soon sucked Kate’s blood and then opened one of his veins and allowed Kate to suck his own.

Sherrielock, concerned by the shouting in Kate’s bedroom, had opened the door.

Miss Holmes’ face soon turned as white as the evening dress she was wearing.

“Dracula, you’ve turned one of my saloon girls into a vampiress,” Sherrielock hissed.

She ran to her office and pulled a whip and a cat o’ nine tails out of her desk drawer.

She then ran back into the room and said to the Count, “I’m going to tomato 🍅 your buttocks until they’re as red as the glistening liquid substance on your fangs.”

Dracula quickly turned into a bat 🦇 and got the Hell out of there.

“Meatloaf is ready!” The saloon cook shouted from downstairs.

Sherrielock looked out the room’s open window and shouted in the direction of the flying bat 🦇, “You can rest assured, Dracula, that someday the two of us will meet again. And when we do, there will be Hell to pay.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 27th
2018.

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