Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus

February 24, 2020 at 11:09 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus

Justin entered the mirror.

And felt the wet sand under his feet.

What happened to his shoes and socks he wondered?

The Basilides gnostic god Abraxas had them on his two feet (which were heads of serpents) in another dimension.

Walking through two inter-dimensional portal mirrors on the same night can cause stuff to go missing.

Which was always the noted Australian entertainer Uncle Ernie’s explanation whenever his g-string style jock strap fell off while he was on the stage in his drag queen show and the audience could see what he had (or lack thereof!).

Justin looked at the vampiress who stood before him.

“A little bird tells me that you’re the Countess Draculina the daughter of Count Dracula,” Justin spoke with his usual meandering manner of speaking.

Countess Draculina leaned forward and shouted “Boo!”.

The little hummingbird on Justin’s shoulder flew away.

“I didn’t know there was a full moon tonight,” Justin looked at the full moon and the Scottish castle behind Countess Draculina.

“That is an illusion,” Draculina laughed, “caused by a great searchlight (invented by Nikola Tesla) casting its full moon signal into the air.”

“Will signs and wonders never cease?” Justin used a fine tooth comb to remove gray hairs from his hair.

“Those signs and wonders will soon increase and increase,” Draculina licked the blood off her lips just as an Australian wombat (who was actually Uncle Ernie shapeshifting from another dimension) crawled up and licked the blood off her breasts atop her low-cut gothic attire mini dress.

“And what is the purpose of all these signs and wonders?” Justin asked as he inhaled pot smoke that was being exhaled by a pot smoking Arctic walrus that had just crawled on to the shore from the sea.

The ghost of John Lennon appeared on one of the high towers of the distant Scottish castle and began singing a paraphrased version of one of his old hits, “Imagine all the people worshipping the Antichrist… someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Monday February 24th
2020.

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Renfield Discusses The Turkish Invasion of Syria

October 10, 2019 at 10:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield Discusses The Turkish Invasion of Syria

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was discussing the Turkish invasion of Syria with his friend Amadeus Emanon.

“Well several civilians have been killed and tens of thousands of people have been forced to flee their homes in northern Syria as a result of the megalomaniac Erdogan’s invasion,” Renfield remarked as he carved a turkey to make a turkey sandwich.

“And is the megalomaniac Trump going to do anything about it?” Amadeus asked as he carved a ham to make a ham sandwich.

“No, he’s too worried about impeachment,” Renfield added a sliced peach to his turkey sandwich, “a couple of Eastern European friends of his lawyer Rudy Giuliani were arrested today and charged with campaign finance fraud in making illegal contributions to Trump’s 2016 campaign.”

Some shit hit the fan in the kitchen at that moment.

“I should have known better than to leave the window open with all those geese blowing around in this windstorm,” Renfield closed the window.

“Where is most of the fighting in northern Syria taking place at the moment?” Amadeus asked.

“Around the border towns of Ras al-Ain and Tal Abyad,” Renfield answered.

“And what is the UN doing about it?” Amadeus inquired.

“What the UN always does in these situations,” Renfield acknowledged, “Nothing.”

Athelstan the butler entered the kitchen to make tea, “I understand the UN Security Council held an emergency meeting today to discuss the situation at the request of Britain, France, Germany, Belgium and Poland.”

“Which will just produce nothing but a lot of handwringing,” Renfield noted.

A bunch of severed hands from living dead zombies began ringing the doorbell.

Athelstan went to the door with a can of RAID House and Garden Zombie Killer and started spraying the hands where they dropped like flies.

“I see Erdogan says that he’ll send the 3.6 million refugees that Turkey hosts to Europe if Europe dares to call the Turkish offensive an occupation,” Amadeus added mustard to his ham sandwich.

“Yes, Erdogan seems to have a thing about certain words,” Renfield put cranberries on his turkey, “just like he doesn’t like it when you call what Turkey did to the Armenians in 1915 a genocide.”

“How’s Prince Vlad Dracula doing on the ground in northern Syria?” Amadeus inquired.

“He’s fighting alongside the Kurds,” Renfield bit into his turkey sandwich, “and his daughter the Countess Draculina has joined him along with my personal Army brigade of Gurkhas.”

Countess Draculina: Battling the invading Turkish forces of Recep Tayyip Erdogan

. . .

Pope Francis was at his desk in his Vatican apartment when the phone rang.

It was Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan calling.

“Hello, Frankie old boy,” the Turkish President tried to sound informal, “I hear you deny the incarnate deity of Jesus Christ. Being a Muslim, I too deny the incarnate deity of Jesus Christ. So since we have that in common, I was wondering if you’d like to take part in my coronation when I’m crowned Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire.”

“What was the date you planned for that?” Francis asked.

Erdogan answered.

“Let me check my calendar,” Francis opened his little red notebook with a photo of Chairman Mao on the cover, “Yes, that should be fine.”

A lemon meringue pie was thrown in Francis’ face at that moment just as Swiss Guards outside the apartment shouted that a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit had just entered the papal apartment.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 10th
2019.

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Orson Welles, Atargatis and Athena

June 24, 2018 at 11:51 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Movies, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Orson Welles, Atargatis and Athena

Orson Welles ordered his 4th glass of wine 🍷 of the evening.

As he sampled it, he hoped he wasn’t turning into a lush.

Being a lush might be good enough for Sir John Falstaff but it wasn’t good enough for him Orson Welles.

He had too much he wanted to tell the world.

As Welles took another sip of the wine 🍷, he reflected on his failed marriage to Rita Hayworth whom he had formally divorced on November 10th of last year (the current evening in which he sat drinking wine in The Mermaid Wine Bistro and Lounge was June 24th 1948).

What had happened that caused his marriage to go wrong?

Probably many factors Welles thought as he gazed at his reflection in the blood red liquid of the glass.

He reflected back to the time he had considered making his own film version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula – one that he thought would be vastly superior to the 1931 Universal Pictures film version with Bela Lugosi.

Financing for the project had fell through but he had done several screen tests for it.

Including one with a beautiful Romanian brunette woman who interestingly enough called herself Draculina.

During the screen test, Welles who had been reading the role of Jonathan Harker to her playing the role of one of Dracula’s wives was very impressed by her extremely authentic vampiress like performance.

During the test, Draculina had gotten so into character (she must have been an avid student of Russian theatre practitioner Konstantin Stanislavsky), she had leaned over and given Welles a very passionate bite and hickey on the neck.

Unfortunately, Draculina did this just as Rita entered the studio.

That certainly didn’t help the relationship between husband and wife, Welles thought as he finished his glass and ordered a fifth.

The director turned his attention to other matters.

He thought about the peculiar dream he had had last night in which a lobster had appeared to him and communicated with him telepathically.

The lobster explained that his name was Michelangelo and he was a psychic lobster who was communicating with him from London in the year 2018.

Michelangelo explained to him that the Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess Atargatis (who was the mother of Semiramis the 1st Babylonian Queen) was intending to destroy the State of Israel 🇮🇱 in that year of 2018.

It was at that moment that the phone rang waking Welles from his deep sleep.

It was a wrong number.

“No, this isn’t Floppety’s Flop House,” Welles slammed the receiver down angrily.

Welles finished his 5th glass of wine 🍷 and decided not to order another.

Otherwise he might really turn into a Sir John Falstaff.

He reached for his overcoat and hat.

He then stumbled out into the night and waved down a taxi that would drive him home.

When he arrived and fumbled around in his pocket for the keys to his room, Welles thought about the strange dream.

If this Atargatis woman of the sea was going to try to destroy Israel in 2018, that meant the nation would survive at least another 70 years.

Israeli independence had only been declared by Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion last month and already it was locked into a war of survival with its Arab neighbours.

Why had this psychic crustacean contacted him anyways, Welles wondered?

What could he a man of the theatre do about a Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess planned invasion 70 years down the road?

“Oh Lord, send me wisdom,” Welles prayed aloud as he opened the door to his room.

Standing there waiting for him was Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 24th
2018.

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Dracul and Draculina and Athena

June 23, 2018 at 10:54 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Dracul and Draculina and Athena

After Dracul Van Helsing went to the TV studio where the Countess Draculina had been broadcasting, he let her know that her father Dracula was back from the dead and was now one of the living Undead again.

The old Transylvanian Count and Wallachian Prince had been in Syria fighting alongside the Kurds against invading Turkish forces.

Now he was wandering the streets of Istanbul along with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora and the Israeli Mossad agent code named the Controller of The Golem.

They were campaigning for opposition political parties running against megalomaniac President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and his Islamist party which were intent on restoring the Ottoman Empire.

Both the Presidential and Parliamentary elections were being held tomorrow in Turkey.

Now on this Saturday night, the trio were taking a break from campaigning and were enjoying a dinner of lahmacun and drinking Turkish coffee in an Istanbul cafe while they watched a wrestling match going on outside in the street between Cerberus the 3 headed dog of The Underworld and the ghost of Saddam Hussein.

Saddam’s ghost lost.

His ghostly arms and legs had been bitten off by Cerberus’ 3 heads.

Cerberus belched 3 times- one for each head.

The 3 Furies (aka the Erinyes aka the Eumenides) showed up in leather skirted dominatrix outfits and driving a combination black hearse and ambulance.

They picked up the howling Saddam and his separated limbs and stuck them in the back of the hearse/ambulance and headed back to the Underworld of Hades.

“You don’t see that everyday,” Dracula remarked to Theodora and the Controller of the Golem.

Coincidentally Draculina said the same thing to Dracul Van Helsing as she orgasmed for the umpteenth time as the vampire hunter gave her a lesson in tantric sex from the Kama Sutra.

Dracul and the vampiress weather forecaster were back in Dracul’s room in the old Carpathian Mountain inn.

A horse and carriage then showed up at the inn to drive Draculina to Bucharest Airport where she’d catch the evening flight from Bucharest to Istanbul.

“I’ve been to Istanbul before you know,” Draculina remarked as she put her dress back on, “my mother was Turkish you know.”

“I didn’t know that,” Dracul adjusted his tie, “so your father was a Wallachian Prince who’s best known in history for impaling Turks and yet your mother was Turkish.”

“Yes but he impaled her with flesh and not wood,” Draculina put on her pantyhose, “and that instrument gave her pleasure unlike the stakes my father used on the Turkish warriors.”

“I understand the same could not be said for Isis and Osiris on the night they conjugally conceived Horus since Isis couldn’t find Osiris’ phallus after Set had cut him up into 14 pieces and so they were forced to use a phallus made of wood,” Dracul reflected aloud.

“Ouch,” Draculina winced.

“No wonder they’re always showing the Eye of Horus everywhere,” Dracul noted, “what is mistaken for Illuminati symbolism is actually the Egyptian deity advertising for a good ophthalmologist somewhere who can actually get the splinters out of his eye.”

Meanwhile in Damascus, Syria, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad received a phone call on his Hermes Trismegistus smart phone.

“Yes, I did study ophthalmology in London,” Bashar replied to the caller’s question.

“Splinters eh?” Bashar took notes.

In another one of the palace rooms, the head of the Syrian Orthodox Church was chanting the Gospel passage of the day for a small group of Christians who worked in the palace – “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5)

“How’s your name spelled?” Bashar asked, “Horus? Would that be like the Egyptian god? It would. Well if you can drop around the palace tomorrow…”

After the coach and horse had picked up Draculina, Dracul went for a walk in the woods near the Inn.

There he came across the Greek goddess Athena looking pensive.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 23rd
2018.

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