Jefferey The Otter On Saint Patrick’s Day: A Poem

March 17, 2017 at 4:24 pm (Comedy, Culture, Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

From Planet Nibiru, Jefferey came
not seeking any worldly earthly fame
he was a party otter seeking a new party spot
one where he could avoid being struck in parking lot
for he was a furry mammal on all fours
one who often got stuck in revolving doors

He had heard about Saint Paddy’s Day
its fame had spread across the Milky Way
and when he wasn’t eating Nibiruan scientist’s stitchin’
or laughing at the theories of Zecharia Sitchin
he often dreamed of having a Guinness or two
and seducing a female earthling otter in the Dublin Zoo

So he stole ET gray Gali-Gula’s spaceship
and headed off on quite the far out trip
to Dublin he went where he took many a nip
now on Earth otters cannot talk
they just sit and bark on a rock
so Nibiruan otter was quite the hit of the bar
one would think he was a furry Bono- a rock star

Jefferey regaled them with “When Irish Eyes Are Smilin”
when asked if he was legal age, Jefferey was lyin’
but his Nibiruan otter mother wasn’t around to spank
so Jefferey thoroughly enjoyed this drunken otter prank

He ordered some Jameson’s Irish Whiskey
drinking so much- he had to go pee
He decided to enter the ladies’ room
little realizing this would be his doom
Pretty little Irish colleens in their short skirts did shriek
when they saw a perverted male otter taking a peek
they hit him with their high-heeled shoes
like a cocaine high drummer gettin’ in the groove

Jefferey barely escaped with his life
Dublin police were called to end the strife
but the Garda Siochana stopped for a few brews
ignoring Police Commissioner’s warning about hitting the booze
soon O’ Reilly’s Bar was overrun by drunks galore
while Jefferey safely crawled his way across the floor
and soon headed straight out the door.

“Gosh,” Jefferey smiled, “that was fun”
unaware someone would tomato his bun
for Sherrielock Holmes had received ET call
from Jefferey’s mother who was going up the wall
Jefferey felt the lash of Sherrielock’s whip
as he admired the dominatrix’s shapely hip
he thought her leather skirt was quite the sight
even though his buttocks were no longer tight

And that was how Jefferey spent Saint Paddy’s Day
a Nibiruan otter in Dublin sowin’ wild oats for hay.

-A Saint Patrick’s Day poem
written by Christopher
Friday March 17th
2017.

Sherrielock Holmes
Sherrielock Holmes movin’ in for the kill on Nibiruan otter’s naughty buttocks

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Magog En Route To Russia

April 6, 2014 at 4:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Magog En Route To Russia

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was flying a British Airways flight from London to Moscow.

He was on a secret diplomatic mission for the British government.

He was flying to Moscow to meet Russian President Vladimir Putin and ask him on behalf of the British government to withdraw his troops from the Ukraine-Russia border.

When asked to do this by British Prime Minister David Cameron and British Foreign Secretary William Hague, Rhys Petley asked the two gentlemen, “And what should I offer Putin in return if he does do this?”.

“Use your imagination,” Hague retorted over his cup of tea.

So Magog Rhys Petley was carrying in his wallet a personally autographed copy of the official Engagement photo of Sir Elton John and his future husband David Furnish who would be wed next month under the new laws allowing same sex marriage ceremonies in England and Wales which recently took effect.

Magog would give Putin the photo if he withdrew his troops from the Ukraine-Russia border.

Magog figured he owed the British government this favour.

After all the British government had intervened with the Irish government in Dublin and asked them to drop criminal charges and release the backbench British Labour MP when he was arrested during a Dublin police raid that took place in a Dublin brothel in the late evening hours of Saint Patrick’s Day.

Magog had gone to the brothel to cure his depression and anxiety attacks after he had witnessed a live Druidic human sacrifice ceremony that had taken place earlier that night near Blarney Castle.

Although the tea-toddling Dublin police sergeant who ordered the raid was immediately fired by his superiors for having the audacity to wreck Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations by doing so, Irish prosecutors decided they better prosecute those arrested in the raid.

A quick call from British Prime Minister David Cameron to Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny (after Cameron had heard the shocking news of Rhys Petley’s arrest in a Dublin bordello) led to the charges against the Welsh MP being discreetly dropped and Magog being discreetly released.

British Labour Party leader Edward Miliband had severely reprimanded his backbench MP when he had returned to his Westminster offices.

“What were you thinking being arrested inside a Dublin bordello?”
Miliband had asked him, “Our London bordellos aren’t good enough for you?”.

And so now Magog was on his way to Moscow to ask Vladimir Putin to kindly remove his troops from the Ukraine-Russia border.

Magog took a quick sip of brandy.

He sure hoped dear Vladimir liked the photo of Sir Elton John and his fiancé David Furnish.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday April 6th
2014.

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