The Raven Rapper Sings A Rap Song

March 10, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Music, News, Poetry, Politics, Television, Vampire novel, Video) (, , , , , , , )

Simon Cowell (a judge on the TV shows America’s Got Talent and Britain’s Got Talent) was having a dream whereby he was appearing as a guest judge on the Canadian TV talent show Canada’s Got Cannabis.

The premise of the program was the judges judged the talent after they had smoked a whole bunch of pot.

Simon’s fellow judges for the show were Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the ET gray Gali-Gula (an ET gray from the planet Nibiru who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).

The cactus plant juggling penguin who was covered in bandaids made Justin think sadly of his own marijuana smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who was being held prisoner at a Chinese Communist re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in the Xinjiang region of eastern China.

As the penguin was being carried off stage on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance, Justin Trudeau received a text message on his Huawei smart phone that hundreds of thousands of jobs were being lost in the Canadian province of Alberta.

“Who cares?” Justin yawned and shrugged and helped himself to some more cannabis cookies.

Justin had fond memories from his childhood of his father Pierre Elliott giving Albertans the raised middle finger from the window of a train as they rode through Banff National Park.

The next act was a giant gorilla who would be climbing up Toronto’s CN Tower to rescue a screaming Kim Kardashian who was at the top.

He would be doing this as he was buzzed by drones resembling World War I biplanes and triplanes.

As the body of the late Kong was loaded into a hearse big enough to fit him, Justin received a text message on his Huawei that thousands of jobs might be lost in the Canadian province of Quebec.

“Oh shit, I gotta go,” Justin cried and ran out the auditorium, “Maybe I can pressure Jody Wilson-Raybould to do something. Oh shit, she’s resigned from the cabinet.”

The next act appeared on stage as the remaining Simon Cowell and Gali-Gula smoked their tokes.

“And so, what’s your story?” Simon asked the next act as he hummed the tune to the song I Dreamed A Dream from the musical Les Miserables.

“Well,” a giant raven appeared on stage, “I’m a raven and I’m immortal and I’m the same raven who once sat on a bust of Pallas Athena in Edgar Allan Poe’s lodgings over a century and a half ago.”

“How positively dreary,” Cowell remarked as the show approached the midnight hour.

The raven broke into his rap song,

“Oh yes, it’s true that I’m a raven
you might think I’m rather craven
sitting atop Athena’s head
as if it were my own bed
even if I shout “Nevermore”
as I come rapping at your door
while you sing praises of lost Lenore
stop nodding your head weak and weary
stop crying with your eyes so bleary
don’t you know Lenore’s gone for good
That’s the saying in the hood
take your punishment like a man
and stop throwing kleenex in the can
Think of it as bleak December
stop trying to remember
let your mind be like a dying ember
cast out your thoughts of lost Lenore
while I find my way to the door
my parting words, Nevermore.

-A vampire novel chapter
and rap song
written by Christopher
Sunday March 10th
2019.


The Raven’s advice: Time to give up thoughts of Lenore

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Pan Goatee’s Twin Sister, Edgar Allan Poe, Robert E. Lee, The Mermaid and The Kraken: A Poem

January 19, 2019 at 11:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Literature, love, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


DARPA Contract assassiness Panty Goatee disguised as the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria appearing to Edgar Allan Poe on the day of his death October 7th 1849

‘Twas the night before the Super Wolf Blood Moon
and all through the earth, strange creatures were stirring
and at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland
Shiva and Kali danced the Dance of Death
because of the foolishness of foolish mortals
DARPA and CERN had teamed up to send
Pan Goatee’s genetically cloned twin sister
the beautiful Panty Goatee back in time
to Baltimore Maryland on October 7th 1849
disguised as Poe’s immortal love
the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria

They were sending Panty back as Lenora
On this date of January 19th 2019
on what would have been Poe’s 210th birthday
if he had been still alive or had become an immortal

So as the full moon cast a mysterious looking lunar rainbow
Down upon a cloud as snowflakes fell to Earth
Around the Swiss countryside
And Kali and Shiva danced a frozen version of Swan Lake
as the Greek god Zeus choked on the drumstick of Leda’s
duck a l’orange
and the Chinese moon goddess Chang’e laughed heartedly
while sampling the delicacy of Peking Duck sprinkled
with a little Soma lunar elixir of life
As her snow white jack rabbit hare friend ate carrots
and developed superior night vision.

Why was Panty going back in time as Lenora
to Poe on his death day?
It was a plan conceived by DARPA’S new AI robot
Built by a DARPA employee under the mentorship of Sophia
The Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom
Unbeknownst to both DARPA and CERN however
the AI robot had come up with the idea
after being shortcircuited
when DARPA’s mascot Jefferey the otter
had poured a 40 ounce bottle of bourbon
down the AI’s metallic throat
because Jefferey thought the robot could use a drink.

As such both the drink and the plan
would spell doom to the best laid plans
of CERN and DARPA
Both should have stuck to building better mousetraps
And making plans to celebrate Robbie Burns Day
later this month.

Panty as Lenora approached Poe
The writer looked at her and whispered “My long lost love Lenore”
Then he whispered “Reynolds” as he saw the genetic clone
That the immortal Egyptian scientist Imhotep
had made of the writer and named “Reynolds”
Poe then croaked
and a raven outside the window wept bitter tears
As Poe would say “Lenore” nevermore.

Inside a Rome coffee shop
Abraham Lincoln’s ghost
And the ghost of Gen. Robert E. Lee
celebrated the Confederate General’s 212th birthday today
January 19th 2019
As the Egyptian god Osiris watched
Lincoln raised his cappuccino in a toast,
“Here’s to old enemies becoming friends again”.

And on a marble floor inside the Vatican was a gold ashtray
containing the gold plated figures of a mermaid and a Kraken
who were very much in love
The Kraken told his beloved mermaid,
I want this moment to last forever

His wish came true when King Midas touched them both.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 19th
2019.

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More Ado About Lenora of Lemuria

September 27, 2018 at 11:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

More Ado About Lenora of Lemuria

Undersea explorer Louis Alphonse Cousteau was enjoying a glass of cognac before bedtime.

Preparations were already in place to dive down to the central palace of the lost city of Mu in the lost sunken continent of Lemuria.

His (now) girlfriend the Italian Greek diver Sophia Lollobrigida had located the site a couple of days earlier.

Shots had been fired in the area by ships belonging to megalomaniac despot Xi Jinping’s Chinese People’s Liberation Army Navy who felt that Cousteau’s ship The Ariel Calypso was too close to the South China Sea which Communist Neo-Emperor Xi claimed in total.

Emboldened by having gained control over China’s Catholics through the total sell-out of the Chinese Church to Xi by the cowardly Pope Francis and the approval of the Moloch worshiping Bishop Marcelo Sanchez Sorondo the Marxist-Leninist “useful idiot” Chancellor of the Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences, Xi was now preparing to annex the South China Sea in a move sure to annoy his Asian neighbours as well as U.S. President Donald Trump.

But geopolitics and the ambitions of a Mao Tse-tung wannabe weren’t on Cousteau’s mind now.

He was thinking about the circumstances that led to this moment- the discovery of Lemuria and its long lost city of Mu.

A friend of his had purchased an old book in a used book store in Manitou Springs, Colorado about 14 years ago.

The book happened to have within its pages a 36-page letter that had been written to Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s then Vice-President Henry A. Wallace from Serbian-American scientist-inventor Nikola Tesla back in early 1941.

In it, Tesla confessed to Wallace that there was indeed a woman he truly loved (in answer to a question Wallace had asked in a letter he sent Tesla).

The woman was 40 years younger than he was and was a Croatian woman who lived in Germany.

She apparently was a mystic and had many visions, Tesla claimed.

One of the visions was of the destruction of the continents of Lemuria and Atlantis.

Tesla then gave Wallace the South Pacific geographical location of where the continent with its lost city of Mu could be found.

He claimed the body of Lemuria’s Crown Princess Lenora was still intact and perfectly preserved in a glass coffin in the main palace of Mu according to Tesla’s girlfriend’s visions.

Tesla said that Lenora had died as a result of arsenic poisoning and that her funeral and burial was held on the very day that Lemuria was hit by an electromagnetic pulse (fired by her archenemy Atlantis in the Atlantic Ocean) which caused a tsunami that drove the continent under the ocean waves.

In his last act before going glub! glub! glub! (as he succumbed to rising sea water), Lenora’s father the Emperor of Lemuria had given the order for Lemurian space satellites to fire an electromagnetic pulse down on Atlantis.

Soon the Emperor of Atlantis and his family and his subjects were going glub! glub! glub! as they succumbed to rising sea water caused by the Atlantic Ocean tsunami as a result of the electromagnetic pulse.

Tesla’s letter to Wallace was right as far as the geographic location and lines longitude and latitude of Lemuria were concerned.

. . .

“Who’s Nikola Tesla?” Donald Trump asked as he read through a DARPA report, “Does he work for Elon Musk?”.

. . .

Edgar Allan Poe walked through the old Baltimore cemetery.

He was there to see if he could find his lost love Lenore.

Lenore claimed to have the ability to travel through time on occasion.

She was born and raised a princess in Lemuria she said.

She had also visited the future over a century and a half thence from Poe’s own time she said.

She told Poe in a letter she’d meet in this old cemetery today wearing clothes from the future.

Poe looked around at the cemetery headstones until he spotted Lenore.


Edgar Allan Poe’s long lost love Lenore in an old cemetery

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 27th
2018.

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Reblog of Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

August 26, 2018 at 8:27 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Horror, Literature, Movies, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Short stories, Short Story, Television, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Here’s a short story I wrote almost 2 years ago.

It’s a short story featuring the late great TCM Turner Classic Movies host Robert Osborne:

Dracul Van Helsing

Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

It was an old movie from the 1930s on television. Johnson had heard of the film The Pit and The Pendulum based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe.

But he wasn’t familiar with the 1930s version. He had only heard of a movie version from the 1960s with Vincent Price.

But this 1930s version was totally new to him and here he was a big classic horror movies fan. The Pit and The Pendulum from 1936 with Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff.

Try as he might, he could not recall Karloff and Lugosi ever making such a film. Lugosi had made The Black Cat with Karloff. He had made The Raven. He had made Murders In The Rue Morgue. All based on works by Poe.

But Johnson had never heard of Lugosi doing a movie version of Poe’s The Pit…

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Semi Rhyming Haiku About Poe’s The Pit and The Pendulum and Roger Corman Film With Vincent Price

April 19, 2018 at 10:34 pm (Film, Horror, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Semi Rhyming Haiku About Poe’s The Pit and The Pendulum and Roger Corman Film With Vincent Price

Blade a real swinger
Will give your head a zinger
What a Price to pay

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Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

October 28, 2016 at 3:58 pm (Film, Horror, Literature, Movies, Mystery/horror, Short stories, Short Story, Television, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

It was an old movie from the 1930s on television. Johnson had heard of the film The Pit and The Pendulum based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe.

But he wasn’t familiar with the 1930s version. He had only heard of a movie version from the 1960s with Vincent Price.

But this 1930s version was totally new to him and here he was a big classic horror movies fan. The Pit and The Pendulum from 1936 with Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff.

Try as he might, he could not recall Karloff and Lugosi ever making such a film. Lugosi had made The Black Cat with Karloff. He had made The Raven. He had made Murders In The Rue Morgue. All based on works by Poe.

But Johnson had never heard of Lugosi doing a movie version of Poe’s The Pit and The Pendulum. Much less one made with Boris Karloff.

But when he flipped through the channels on his new High Definition Home Theatre sized TV, there it was listed on TCM – The Pit and The Pendulum (1936) with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

Five minutes ahead of the program starting, Johnson had googled the film The Pit and The Pendulum (1936) with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

But he found no information about it which was strange.

He put on the TV tuned to TCM. TCM host Robert Osborne began the introduction to the film with his trademark classic line, “Hi, I’m Robert Osborne.”

“Yeah? Tell me something I don’t know, Robert,” Johnson remarked sarcastically.

“All right,” Osborne answered him from the screen, “You’re an obnoxious self-centered arrogant egotistical prick.”

“What?” Johnson was astounded.

“Tonight’s film is a relatively unknown one. In fact, most people don’t even know it was made,” Osborne explained.

“You can say that again,” Johnson scratched his stomach and belched.

“I’d rather not, you uncouth slob,” Osborne smiled at the camera.

“What?” Johnson was again astounded.

“That’s because this film was made privately for a San Francisco based Chinese millionaire called Sun Wong,” Osborne elaborated, “who wanted his own private film with Lugosi and Karloff that the rest of the world wouldn’t be able to see.”

“Wong huh?” Johnson scratched his head.

“That’s right, Wong,” Osborne chuckled, “please excuse the pun.”

“Pun?” Johnson scratched his head again.

“Try not to think about it too hard, you pea-brained bozo,” Osborne again smiled at the camera, “We don’t want you putting too much strain on your little head now, will we?”.

“What the fuck?” Johnson gazed at the screen.

“No more for you,” Osborne saluted the camera, “from 1936, The Pit and The Pendulum with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.”

The movie was extremely scary, Johnson found. Usually most horror films from the 1930s he laughed at finding them somewhat corny by today’s standards.

But this one had Johnson gripping the edge of his chair.

When Lugosi had Karloff chained to the flat rock in the pit of his dungeon and the pendulum started swinging down on the latter, Lugosi laughed an evil sinister laugh.

“Wow, this is great,” Johnson thought as he reached for some more popcorn.

“May I call you Johnson?” Lugosi asked Karloff.

“Johnson?” Johnson stopped eating his popcorn.

“You are a dirty filthy little rat who cheated on me with my best friend,” Lugosi continued.

“Is this a gay Lugosi/Karloff film?” Johnson wondered to himself.

“No,” Bela Lugosi metamorphosed into the noted 1930s Asian-American actress Anna May Wong.

As the film changed from black and white into colour, Miss Wong wore a golden dragon emblazoned Asiatic style red dress slit up the sides showing lovely and shapely pantyhose clad legs that were accentuated by red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

“My God,” Johnson suddenly noted the resemblance, “she looks like…”

“That’s right, you cheating bastard,” Miss Wong exclaimed.

Suddenly Johnson found his hands handcuffed to the chair, ropes came out of the back of the chair and tied him up. The chair went backwards and Johnson found himself looking up at the ceiling where a rather large pendulum started swinging down towards him.

Miss Wong stepped out from the TV screen.

Johnson had indeed noted for the very first time the resemblance between the 1930s actress Anna May Wong and his ex-girlfriend Charlotte April Wong.

“Don’t piss off a Dragon Sister,” Miss Wong screamed as a dragon breathed fire from the top of the ceiling above the pendulum.

As the pendulum came down within a quarter inch of his throat and neck, Johnson thought this probably answered his buddy Tom’s question, “Why would your ex buy you a 72 inch screen high definition TV when you cheated on her in such a cruel fashion?”.

Johnson would never get the chance to answer Tom’s question as the pendulum cut off his head.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Saturday October 1st
2016.

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Humorous Haiku About Poe’s Works

October 16, 2016 at 3:06 pm (Culture, Horror, Literature, Poetry) (, , , )

Humourous Haiku About Poe’s Works

Raven cries Nevermore
as black cat burps grinningly
tell-tale heart remains

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Haiku About Edgar Allan Poe

January 10, 2015 at 8:26 pm (Literature, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Poetry) (, , )

Haiku About Edgar Allan Poe

-written by Christopher
Saturday January 10th
2015.

Edgar Allan Poe
went raven mad for lost love
Lenore- tell-tale heart

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Nevermore

December 21, 2011 at 10:39 pm (Poetry) (, , )

It is indeed the bleak December
but no rapping
no tapping
the chamber door will open no more
strangers come
strangers go
the bust of Pallas Athena broken with a blow
the pieces fall to the floor
the raven drops dead…
its voice heard nevermore.

-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Wednesday December 21st 2011.

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