Krampus Takes A Paris Detour On Krampusnacht

December 5, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

It was the night of Krampusnacht
and all through the house
in Austria and Bavaria
and places thereabout
The Austro-Bavarian demon/goat hybrid Krampus roamed
the son of the Norse goddess Hel and Bucca Dhu
Hel who was Loki’s daughter and the goddess ruler
of the Norse underworld in Niflheim

Bucca Dhu who was the Black Goat horned god of the winter months
in Cornish witchcraft

Hel came down from her frostbitten parts north of Thule, Hyperborea and Scandinavia
And Bucca Dhu traveled east from the Cornish coast across the wild Cornish moors and east across England and then across the channel
And northeastwards towards the Alps of Bavaria and Austria
They met
And they spent 40 days and 40 nights making out in various locales
Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, the South Tyrol region and the province of Trento in northern Italy, Slovakia and Slovenia
The product of their union was Krampus whose name is derived from the German word krampen meaning claw

Krampus is the demonic anti-Santa
The entity who punishes bad children on Krampusnacht (the evening of December 5th) in the regions of Central Europe named above
Just as Saint Nicholas rewards good children on Saint Nicholas’ Night
(December 6th)
Tonight however the cosmic powers that be
Determined that Krampus must take a detour
and drag screaming down to Hell
The cougar chasing, mascara and make-up wearing, metrosexual elitist snob President of France Emmanuel Macron
For the gods and goddesses of all the ancient religions loved Paris
And thanks to Macron’s stupidity, Paris was burning
And so Macron must be punished
And the instrument of punishment: Krampus

So Krampus pushed Macron into his black sack of coal
and took him to Hell
The underworld realm of Hades
Where he was ferried across the River Styx by Charon
And then bitten in the ass by the 3-headed dog Cerberus
Kicked in the balls by Persephone the Queen of the Underworld
And barfed on by Napoleon the 1st Emperor of the French

He was then escorted to Tartarus by Krampus
While there he passed one of the waiting rooms to Tartarus
What looked to be an old schoolroom from the 1920s
Where the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes
the immortal twin sister of the great detective Sherlock Holmes
had been hired by Hades for a week to give spankings to naughty boys
prior to their entering Tartarus

She had been hired temporarily to replace the 3 Furies (Erinyes)
who had all come down with a bad case of the flu

“Yes, yes!” Cried Macron as his mascara started running
due to the heat of the nearby flames,
“I need to be spanked by Sherrielock!”

Krampus smiled sadistically and replied
in a voice more sinister than that of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld,
“No Sherrielock for you!”.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
on Krampusnacht
Wednesday December 5th
2018.


The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hoping to convince Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to join her in surpassing the Guinness Book of World Records world record for the most consecutive days and nights of continuously making out which is currently held by the Norse goddess Hel and the Cornish Black Goat horned god Bucca Dhu.

Advertisements

Permalink 4 Comments

The Lost Continent of Lemuria, The City of Mu and The Ultimate Dragon Warrior Princess

September 25, 2018 at 10:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Lost Continent of Lemuria, The City of Mu and The Ultimate Dragon Warrior Princess

French oceanographer, marine archaeologist and marine biologist Louis Alphonse Cousteau (the great nephew of the famous 20th Century French oceanographer Jacques Cousteau) was diving in the South Pacific off his ship The Ariel Calypso.

He was searching for the lost continent of Lemuria which he believed was in this area.

His fellow scientists laughed at him for believing in the existence of the lost continent of Lemuria and its long lost capital city of Mu calling it a legend, a myth and a fable with no basis in fact.

Louis Alphonse was anxious to prove these sceptics wrong as Heinrich Schliemann had done back in the 19th Century when he had discovered the city of Troy and thus proved Troy’s historicity.

Homer was right and the 19th Century German so called higher critics were wrong.

Cousteau hoped to do the same for those who doubted the existence of Lemuria and Mu.

Cousteau’s research like that of his great uncle Jacques had received a great deal of funding from the French government.

But when Emmanuel Macron was elected President of France, that funding was cut so the new French President could blow it on spending for huge military parades to impress a far older man (let’s call him Donald Trump) the object of Emmanuel’s gay reverse cougar like man crush.

Just like his far older wife Brigitte was the object of his hetero reverse cougar like woman crush.

For Emmanuel Macron seemed to be a French version of that old U.S. Country Western music song This Door 🚪 Swings Both Ways.

As such, Louis Alphonse Cousteau had to look around for a new source of funding.

He found it in the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Set said his memory wasn’t like it used to be (senility seemed to have finally set in after several thousands of years) but the former ancient Egyptian god of chaos, darkness and the desert was pretty sure he had heard of Lemuria’s existence when he was part of Egypt’s divine royal dynasty.

That Lemuria was a land full of gold, jade and valuable gems and minerals.

Cousteau had hired the famous Greek Italian female diver Sophia Lollobrigida to dive for him on this expedition.

As Cousteau sat on the deck of his ship The Ariel Calypso waiting for Sophia to surface, he heard a rustling of the waves.

The sexy looking Sophia Lollobrigida appeared in her skin tight bikini, diver’s mask and aqualung.

She took off her mask and smiled at him.

“I found it,” she said excitedly, “I’ve found the lost city of Mu on the lost continent of Lemuria.”

Meanwhile back at the Set Enterprises laboratory in London, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision while in his lobster tank.

The vision was accompanied by an audible voice, “The dwelling place of the ultimate dragon warrior princess has been found.”

Michelangelo’s vision of the ultimate dragon warrior princess- the Princess Lenora of Lemuria:

The Princess Lenora of Lemuria in her palace in the lost city of Mu.

Only moments after getting the vision, Michelangelo’s lobster tank exploded.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 25th
2018.

Permalink 13 Comments

Pope Francis Meets The Kraken

February 26, 2018 at 11:22 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pope Francis Meets The Kraken

Pope Francis was in his bedroom reading a book when suddenly the door opened and in walked a kraken.

“You’re a kraken?” Said Pope Francis who was somewhat startled 😱.

“That I am,” said the Kraken as he bowed, “I am the Kraken known as Napoleon VI the self-proclaimed Emperor of the French.”

“It seems to me that no one else has accepted your proclamation,” Francis wiped his glasses with a tissue.

“Sadly that is true,” the Kraken admitted as he sprayed underarm deodorant under all 8 of his tentacled arms, “but after a few years of Emmanuel Macron, I’m sure the French will come around to my way of thinking.”

“What do you want with me?” Asked Francis who was still slightly taken aback by the fact that there was a Kraken in his room.

“I hear that you have the original manuscripts of the Sibylline Prophecies in the Vatican Archives,” the Kraken helped himself to cheese and crackers off the papal night table, “I was wondering if you could give me written permission to visit the Vatican Archives so I can examine them.”

Pope Francis reached for a pen and a sheet of paper and then looked at the Kraken, “If I give you such written permission, do you promise to leave here quietly?”.

“I do,” the Kraken reached into his knapsack and pulled out 8 pairs of slippers, “and just to show you I have good faith, I’ll put these on now.”

The Kraken started putting the slippers on his 8 tentacled arms, “With these on, you won’t hear a single peep as I walk away from this room.”

“Relieved to hear it,” the Pope used a handkerchief to wipe sweat off his brow, “What do you want with the Sibylline Prophecies?”.

“I was listening to Coast-To-Coast AM with George Noory on short-wave radio last night,” the Kraken explained, “and the guest mentioned that there was a reference in the Sibylline Prophecies to a Kraken arising in the last days.”

“Really?” Pope Francis bit the end of his pen, “Isn’t that the Kraken of whom Zeus says “Release the Kraken!” at the end of time.”

“Oh, it’s that Kraken,” the self-proclaimed Emperor Napoleon VI looked disappointed, “I hear Zeus is keeping that Kraken in one of the Set Enterprises laboratory aquariums under the monitoring of Dr. Cadbury Rocher.”

“You mean to say the Greek god Zeus actually exists?” Pope Francis’ jaw dropped.

“Yes,” the Kraken Napoleon VI nodded vigorously, “Didn’t you know that one of your own Cardinals- the Cardinal JM- actually worships him in secret and prays to him all the time instead of the Catholic God of whom you said that there is no Catholic God.”

Pope Francis shook his head, “No, I had no idea that Cardinal JM was a Zeus worshipper.”

The Pope bit the end of his glasses thoughtfully.

“What are you thinking about?” The Kraken asked as he took the Vatican Archives entry permission slip with papal signature on it.

“I was just thinking maybe I should name Cardinal JM to be in charge of Vatican Inter-Faith and Inter-Religious Dialogue,” the Pontiff mused aloud.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 26th
2018.

Permalink 27 Comments

Michelangelo’s Dream of Raymond Red Reddington and Saad Hariri

November 17, 2017 at 6:08 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Dream of Raymond Red Reddington and Saad Hariri

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep in his aquarium at the Set Enterprises laboratory in London.

He was dreaming a dream about TV character Raymond Red Reddington from The Blacklist holding Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri hostage in Riyadh Saudi Arabia.

“Why are you doing this?” Saad Hariri asked Red, “I thought you were busy sharing a blacklist with law enforcement authorities in America in return for being allowed to keep your vast criminal empire. Why are you helping the Saudis?”.

“I owe Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman a favour,” Red lit a cigar, “I have nothing against you personally.”

“Why do you owe the Crown Prince a favour?” Saad asked.

“Well I must admit it’s quite embarrassing,” Red brushed cigar ash off his trousers, “A couple of years ago I was in a Paris apartment getting the best blow job I had in my life from an extremely charming and beautiful young Saudi businesswoman Miss Fatima Suleiman when unexpectedly the Saudi Religious Police (who seem to have some trouble knowing where their jurisdiction lies) came bursting into the room. They were going to charge the charming Miss Fatima with adultery and take her back to Saudi Arabia where she’d be stoned (in a different sense of that word from Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau inhaling too much pot smoke). I felt it would be a terrible tragedy for the world if it were to lose Fatima’s delicious lips of mass exhilaration. So I phoned Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman and asked that he commute her sentence and that she be allowed to remain in Paris where she could continue to perform oral healing on me. His Highness agreed on condition that I owe him a favour which he could call in at any time.”

“What became of the Saudi Religious Police officers who witnessed Fatima’s actions?” Hariri inquired.

“His Highness drafted them into the Saudi Army and sent them to the front lines of Damascus to fight Bashar al-Assad’s forces where of course they were killed immediately,” Red poured himself a glass of bourbon.

“And the favour the Crown Prince called in was for you to hold me hostage and get me to resign as Prime Minister of Lebanon 🇱🇧?” Hariri was beginning to see the light.

Reddington quickly closed the blinds.

“That is correct,” Red finished his bourbon.

“So why is the Crown Prince now allowing me to fly to Paris at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron?” Saad asked.

“Beats me,” Reddington shrugged, “For myself, I’ve always been suspicious of any French male politician who wears more makeup 💄 than Caitlyn Jenner and the Kardashian sisters put together.”

“So it’s a mystery why I’m being allowed to fly to Paris, France 🇫🇷,”
Hariri noted.

“Well there are rumours that a few days ago a kraken calling himself Napoleon VI burst into Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s palace while His Highness was hosting a seafood banquet,” Reddington opened a tin of smoked oysters, “and after eating all the seafood, the kraken demanded that His Highness release you.”

“And so as a result of the kraken’s digestive actions, I’m now flying to Paris,” Saad Hariri was impressed.

“That appears to be the case,” Red started eating the oysters using chopsticks, “as for myself, I appear to have misplaced my fork.”

“Say, Red,” Hariri looked imploringly at Reddington, “what’s the address of Miss Fatima Suleiman’s apartment in Paris?”.

Michelangelo woke up and wondered how much of his dream was reality.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 17th
2017.

Permalink 22 Comments

Napoleon VI Looking For A Public Relations Coup

November 12, 2017 at 7:30 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Napoleon VI Looking For A Public Relations Coup

The kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus who had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus 🐙- part octopus and part robot) had been moping around the house ever since he lost the 1st round of the French Presidential election this past April coming in 12th of the 12 Presidential candidates running.

His wife Medusa (the ex-Gorgon) was getting sick of his constant moping and his constant bellyaching for a bellyaching kraken is not a pleasant sight.

“Why don’t you do something concrete?” Medusa scolded as she stood in her new Christian Dior evening gown and read a new book explaining the possible whereabouts of ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa, “Instead of constantly complaining, do something to get your name in the news. The French electorate are regretting having elected Emmanuel Macron President. Do something positive and praiseworthy and you’ll become famous and get elected President of France next time.”

“But what can I do?” Napoleon VI wondered which one of his 8 metallic tentacled arms he should use if he was ever invited to play golf with Donald Trump.

“Well, there’s talk of a possible war between Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦 and Iran 🇮🇷. Why don’t you see if you can’t bring peace between the two countries? Then you’ll be hailed as the great peacemaker,” Medusa adjusted her gown.

“I suppose I could,” Napoleon VI realized he’d probably have to skip the Monte Carlo Monopoly Game Board Tournament if he were to do that.

. . .

The two Bedouins riding on their camels 🐫 through the Arabian Desert were startled to see a giant octopus 🐙 parachuting out of a plane ✈️ and landing on the sands not far from them.

“I say,” the Kraken Napoleon VI spoke in a Monty Python style British accent thinking that this would make him more understandable to people who only spoke Arabic, “can you direct me to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s palace in Riyadh?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 12th
2017.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Emmanuel Macron’s Make-up

August 25, 2017 at 5:34 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Emmanuel Macron’s Make-up

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal west London mansion.

Sitting across from him was the world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes who was now the new Chief of Security 🚨 and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises having replaced Renfield R. Renfield (who had recently been elected MP to the British Parliament).

Sherrielock was dressed in a white blouse, black leather mini skirt, black fishnet pantyhose and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes 👠 expecting a client for her dominatrix services.

She had told Amadeus that the anonymous client was a recently fired member of the Trump White House so Amadeus figured that the person could be any number of a 1000 people.

Renfield himself was still down at Westminster having told Amadeus that he was busy doing work on behalf of his constituents.

Amadeus figured that it was more likely that Renfield was cavorting with high price London call girls down in his Parliamentary office and charging it to his Parliamentary expense account.

Renfield being the unique politician he was had found a way of screwing the British taxpayer in more ways than one at the same time.

Amadeus, reading the newspaper, remarked to Sherrielock Holmes, “I see Emmanuel Macron since he became President of France 🇫🇷 has spent more than 26,000 Euros (£24,000) on make-up since he took office in May of this year.”

At that moment the ghost of the late American writer Truman Capote entered the room (Capote’s ghost being one of many now wandering the earth since the ancient Egyptian god Thoth’s entry into this current spatial/temporal dimension).

Commented Capote on the news story Amadeus had just been reading, “I gueth President Macron wanted to look pretty for when Donald Trump held his hand at the Bastille Day Parade.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 25th
2017.

Permalink 3 Comments

Renfield and The UK Foreign Affairs Committee

July 17, 2017 at 5:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Renfield and The UK Foreign Affairs Committee

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was named to the UK Parliamentary All-Party Committee On Foreign Affairs.

He was asked to give a presentation today on last Friday’s Bastille Day meeting between French President Emmanuel Macron and U.S. President Donald Trump.

For the presentation, MP Renfield made a short music video- a video showing the never ending handshake between Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron on the streets of Paris.

Instead of news audio commentary on the video, he had the musical soundtrack of that old Beatles song “I want to hold your hand” playing in the background.

As Trump held Macron’s hand, the Beatles could be heard singing,

“Oh, please say to me
You’ll let me be your man
And please say to me
You’ll let me hold your hand
Now, let me hold your hand
I want to hold your hand…”

Renfield’s music video presentation on the handshake left his fellow MPs speechless.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 17th
2017.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day

July 14, 2017 at 6:39 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Macron, Trump and The Kraken On Bastille Day

U.S. President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron sat next to each other as they watched the Bastille Day parade on the Champs-Élysées.

Behind the two men, the ghost of Humphrey Bogart said to the ghost of Claude Rains, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

The previous evening Macron had taken Trump to dinner in the Jules Verne restaurant on top of the Eiffel Tower with its spectacular view of Paris.

The individual Robur Pike who called himself Robur The Conquerer II sailed by in his helicopter airship The Albatross II and eavesdropped on the conversation.

When today’s parade was over, Macron took Trump back to a room in the French Presidential Palace where they continued their discussion.

Behind them (and oblivious to the two men) the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (who formerly had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus) swung on a chandelier directly above them.

The Kraken Napoleon VI’s wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgoness and her 10 million bad hair days and nights by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) stood at a table sipping champagne with U. S. First Lady Melania Trump.

Napoleon VI had run as the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate for President in the first round French Presidential election a few months ago.

Since he had come in 12th and last place in that contest, he didn’t make it to the 2nd round which had been won by Mr. Macron.

As the Kraken swung from the chandelier above the heads of Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron, he sang his own personal paraphrased version of a popular World War I song,

Let every good fellow now join in our song,
Vive le Kraken eh?

Success to each other and pass it along,
Vive le Kraken eh?

Chorus:

Vive la, vive la
Vive l’amour.
Vive la, vive la,
vive l’amour.
Vive l’amour, vive l’amour,
Vive le Kraken eh?

A friend on your left and a friend on your right,
Vive le Kraken eh?
In love and good fellowship let us unite,
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

Now wider and wider our circle expands,
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll sing to our comrades in far away lands
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

With friends all around us we’ll sing out our song
Vive le Kraken eh?
We’ll banish our troubles, it won’t take us long
Vive le Kraken eh?

(Kraken repeats chorus)

Should time or occasion compel us to part
Vive le Kraken eh?
These days shall forever enliven our heart
Vive le Kraken eh?

(At that point, the Kraken fell from the chandelier before he could sing the chorus for the final time)

The Kraken got up after falling and said crying 😭 in a Monty Python Mr. Gumby style voice, “I hit me head on the table.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 14th
2017.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Renfield’s Analysis of The French Presidential Election

May 8, 2017 at 4:19 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was staying in the town of Tewkesbury where he was running as the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party candidate in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

His friend Amadeus Emanon was up from London visiting him to see how the campaign was going.

“It’s an exciting dynamic campaign all around,” said Renfield as he sat next to the pub dog in the Nottingham Arms Pub in Tewkesbury. The dog yawned and fell asleep next to Renfield.

“What do you think of yesterday’s French Presidential election results?” Amadeus asked referring to centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron’s overwhelming victory in the Sunday May 7th 2017 French Presidential election.

“Well,” said Renfield while eating his tuna fish and scallop omelette, “it appears that the French people have elected a brown nosed butt kisser for the New World Order to be their new President.”

“I take it you don’t approve of the result,” Amadeus remarked with his usual sense of classic understatement.

“No,” Renfield broke wind sending the pub dog fleeing out the pub door, “it would have been much better if the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party candidate the Kraken Napoleon VI had come in first instead of 12th and last in last month’s !st Presidential round of voting. And then won the Presidential election yesterday. But the French people were too stupid to do that. A pity really. The Kraken Napoleon VI could have declared himself Emperor of France and his wife the ex-Gorgon Medusa would have become Empress. With a 3rd French Empire and Imperial Court, we could have gotten rid of the inherent stupidity of French democracy once and for all.”

“French democracy is inherently stupid?” Amadeus asked as he ate his escargots.

“Yes,” Renfield nodded as he dug into his British steak and kidney pie, “you see there’s one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy.”

“And what’s the one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy?” Amadeus asked as he bit into his camembert loaded croissant.

“The one inherent major underlying problem with French democracy,” Renfield explained, “is that it’s French people who are involved in the voting and decision making process. No wonder you have such disastrous results and major screw-ups.”

At that moment, a woman wearing a French maid outfit walked through the door.

Renfield immediately rushed up to her and said, “I love it when women wear French maid outfits.”

“That’s good, monsieur,” she replied in a sexy French accent, “because I am French and I do happen to be a maid.”

“Wonderful,” Renfield used every ounce of self-control he had to prevent his tongue from hanging out and panting, “I love the French people.”

“You should have just heard what he was saying about the French people a moment ago,” Amadeus quipped as he ate a raspberry parfait.

Renfield’s face immediately turned Bolshevik red.

“And what was that, Monsieur?” The French maid turned towards Amadeus.

Amadeus repeated Renfield’s statement verbatim and with terminological exactitude.

The kick the French maid delivered Renfield with one of her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes sent Renfield flying into the liquor cabinet behind the bar.

It was an unforgettable start to his own personal election campaign.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 8th 2017.

Simone The French Maid
Simone the French Maid: Not impressed with Renfield R. Renfield’s analysis of what is the major underlying problem with French democracy.

Permalink Leave a Comment