Pan Goatee’s Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher

June 9, 2018 at 10:31 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher

Pan Goatee was on a mission for DARPA.

He had been sent to this city to assassinate a pre-eminent Alberta cattle rancher.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA (the actual head of DARPA who was code named Enema Enigma to hide his identity in civilian life was currently in hospital in Dublin undergoing a massive enigmatic enema after having come 2nd in An All The Blocks of Cheese 🧀 You Can Eat eating contest losing to an Irish barking dog (as opposed to Irish speaking dog) named Kurt. Kurt’s win for some reason caused the Italian Google Translate search engine to crash) had personally given Pan Goatee his orders for the assassination of the cattle rancher.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep told Pan that the orders for the assassination had come from the very top but did not elaborate as to what the term “very top” meant.

He did tell Goatee that the assassination target was a wealthy Alberta cattle rancher who was a major financial donor to the Canadian Federal Liberal Party (which was very unusual for an Albertan) and also a man who was a very enthusiastic supporter of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (also very unusual for an Albertan).

So Goatee deduced that this high ranking official who had ordered the assassination was obviously someone who was very pissed off 😡 with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Goatee was now in this Alberta city to go assassinate the wealthy cattle rancher and enthusiastic supporter of Justin Trudeau.

He was currently riding the Public Transit System Train 🚊 in the city on his way to the hotel where the wealthy cattle rancher was staying.

As Pan Goatee sat in his seat 💺 while the train pulled in at a train station platform, he noticed an extremely and very repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp approaching towards the train car he was sitting in.

“Choose another car you fatso uglo,” Goatee thought to himself.

Instead the fatso uglo being demonically possessed got on the very train car Goatee was riding in.

Pan immediately reached for his astral laser machete but realized that he had dropped it off at The Invisible Chinaman’s Astral Cleaning Chinese Laundry in Calgary’s Chinatown to get it cleaned.

Pan had used the machete to try to cut an immensely tough steak 🥩 at the Cactus 🌵 Club restaurant downtown and had spilled the awful tasting massive lumps of gravy all over his machete.

As a result, he was now getting it cleaned.

Pan moved over so that the fat ugly blimp would not sit next to him.

Instead the fat ugly blimp sat right behind him.

Then she crawled next to him and under his seat to pick up some rather long cigarette butts the fat ugly creature intended to smoke later.

“You fucking ugly looking fat blimp,” Goatee said in a statement that was definitely a brilliant grasp of the obvious, “I’m going to pummel your fat ugly face to bits.”

He proceeded to do just that.

He then ripped her fat ugly body to bits with his long fingernails.

Pan noticed that just before he pummeled the fat ugly blimp’s face to death that a blind man had accidentally pressed Take Photo on his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Mobile Exceptionally Smart Phone while attempting to send a text message in braille to an NFL referee.

“May I borrow your phone?” Goatee asked the blind man and then spoke to the smart phone’s avatar helper PANDORA, “would you please send that last photo taken to the following mobile phone number?”.

Goatee then said aloud the number.

The number belonged to Calgary’s resident white supremacist leader Brutus Campbell.

Goatee included a text message with the photo of the fat ugly blimp that said, “Hey asshole as you’re busy shooting your mouth off about the superiority of the white race, take a look at this photo of this fat ugly blimp which is what the majority of white women look like in this city since you’re too stupid to have noticed.”

Goatee then pressed Send.

Brutus Campbell had moments before just received a text message with accompanying selfie from a black man in drag who said, “Hey, I just met an acquaintance who said that you’ve recently come out of the closet and you’re looking for a gay trannie to show you the ropes- the BDSM ropes that is.”

No sooner had Brutus Campbell looked at the photo of the black man in drag then the photo of the white raced fat ugly blimp (that Pan Goatee had sent him) appeared to him.

“Egad! I’m blind! I’m blind!” Brutus Campbell shouted in what a Master’s Degree student in Classical Greek (who was writing his Master’s thesis on the plays of Sophocles) considered the worst performance of Oedipus Rex that he had ever seen as he walked by.

. . .

The toupee wearing man they call Donald Trump was en route to Singapore.

As he noticed red spider monkey fur dandruff drops falling out of his toupee, he wondered if there were any porn stars aboard the plane ✈️ who would be willing to give him a blow job.

He asked one of his aides to find him one.

Trump had just been attending the G-7 Summit in La Malbaie in the Canadian province of Quebec.

Originally Trump had signed on to the La Malbaie G-7 Summit communique but after watching a televised statement that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made at a press conference, the U.S. leader threw a temper tantrum and instructed his aides to say he was now signing off.

As Trump thought about how well he was personally defending the interests of American labour, industry and agriculture, he bit into a piece of Alberta grown steak 🥩 that he had asked be prepared for him.

As Trump bit into the steak 🥩 that had been prepared for him by the Cactus 🌵 Club restaurant in downtown Calgary, he choked on the extremely tough piece of meat.

“There will be Hell to pay for this,” Trump shouted as he angrily sent a text message to Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 9th

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DARPA’s Latest Project: The Enema Enigma Proposal

June 14, 2013 at 2:12 am (Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

He was the man known only by his code name Enema Enigma.


He was an assistant Director of DARPA- the U.S. Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency- the group that brought us the Internet and also killer predator drones in the shapes of birds and insects.


Enema Enigma had summoned DARPA employee Jack Jarvis on a mission to go to England.


“As you know our government is currently in the process of building a total surveillance state,” Enema Enigma explained, “in order to protect our civilization of civil liberty and human dignity from being overthrown by the forces of terrorism.  As part of that total surveillance state, we’re able to intercept all sorts of emails and phone communications. We recently intercepted an emailed file attachment sent from Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard…”


Enema Enigma helped himself to a Turkish Delight candy and offered Jack Jarvis one.


Jarvis declined.


“Anyways,” Enema Enigma spoke as he chewed the Turkish Delight candy, “Peter Whitstable has been giving advice to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard on a series of murders that are being committed throughout England by a serial killer that the British tabloid press has dubbed the Serial Killer. Which shows how unoriginal the British press are. Here in America, we have great names like Son of Sam and the Night Stalker for our serial killers…”


Enema Enigma helped himself to another Turkish Delight candy and viewed his autographed photo taken last year of Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan standing alongside a sign that said Help Preserve Our Parks.


“It turns out that Scotland Yard has been sending DNA from the crime scenes to the Interpol DNA labs,” Enema Enigma enthused energetically, “and those reports are in turn being sent to Peter Whitstable for his analysis. Anyways from examining the analysis of the DNA in those reports, Whitstable sent his profile analysis of the Serial Killer to Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard.  And we of course intercepted that report…”


Enema Enigma helped himself to yet another Turkish Delight.


“It’s Whitstable’s contention,” Enigma spoke between mouthfuls of Turkish Delight, “that the Serial Killer is a genetically created hybrid half-man half-goat or what they called in classical Greek mythology a satyr.  Part of the human DNA make-up of the Serial Killer is DNA taken from the DNA of the homicidal and psychopathic heavy metal singer Stryker and also DNA taken from the DNA of Tiger Kilimoto a notorious and infamous Japanese Ninja assassin.”


Enigma took a Turkish Delight and mixed it with a sushi roll from a plate of sushi rolls and put it in his mouth.


“Ummm,” Enema Enigma ejaculated verbally, “delicious. But it also turns out that in terms of animal DNA, not only is there goat DNA present but also the DNA of the Himalayan yeti…”


When Jarvis looked quizzical, Enema explained, “… better known as the Abominable Snowman. Anyways Whitstable with his extensive knowledge of the occult and paranormal said that there are Tibetan Buddhist manuscripts which said the Yeti had the ability to astral project themselves…”


Enigma missed landing the paper airplane (he had made out of Turkish Delight candy wrappers) in the waste paper bin.


“So,” Enigma scratched his chin, “we now come to my point. DARPA could use a killer with the ability to astral project himself. I want you to go to England and find this Serial Killer before Scotland Yard does. I want you to convince him to come to America and work for the U.S. government.”


Enema Enigma opened himself another box of Turkish Delight candy.


“After all,” Enema Enigma waxed poetically patriotic, “our American citizens can go to bed at night resting easier in the knowledge that anytime anyone is considered an enemy of the state by the government, that person can have his throat slit in bed by a government sanctioned killer who can astral project himself anywhere anytime anyplace….”


To be continued.

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