Jefferey The Otter On Saint Patrick’s Day: A Poem

March 17, 2017 at 4:24 pm (Comedy, Culture, Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

From Planet Nibiru, Jefferey came
not seeking any worldly earthly fame
he was a party otter seeking a new party spot
one where he could avoid being struck in parking lot
for he was a furry mammal on all fours
one who often got stuck in revolving doors

He had heard about Saint Paddy’s Day
its fame had spread across the Milky Way
and when he wasn’t eating Nibiruan scientist’s stitchin’
or laughing at the theories of Zecharia Sitchin
he often dreamed of having a Guinness or two
and seducing a female earthling otter in the Dublin Zoo

So he stole ET gray Gali-Gula’s spaceship
and headed off on quite the far out trip
to Dublin he went where he took many a nip
now on Earth otters cannot talk
they just sit and bark on a rock
so Nibiruan otter was quite the hit of the bar
one would think he was a furry Bono- a rock star

Jefferey regaled them with “When Irish Eyes Are Smilin”
when asked if he was legal age, Jefferey was lyin’
but his Nibiruan otter mother wasn’t around to spank
so Jefferey thoroughly enjoyed this drunken otter prank

He ordered some Jameson’s Irish Whiskey
drinking so much- he had to go pee
He decided to enter the ladies’ room
little realizing this would be his doom
Pretty little Irish colleens in their short skirts did shriek
when they saw a perverted male otter taking a peek
they hit him with their high-heeled shoes
like a cocaine high drummer gettin’ in the groove

Jefferey barely escaped with his life
Dublin police were called to end the strife
but the Garda Siochana stopped for a few brews
ignoring Police Commissioner’s warning about hitting the booze
soon O’ Reilly’s Bar was overrun by drunks galore
while Jefferey safely crawled his way across the floor
and soon headed straight out the door.

“Gosh,” Jefferey smiled, “that was fun”
unaware someone would tomato his bun
for Sherrielock Holmes had received ET call
from Jefferey’s mother who was going up the wall
Jefferey felt the lash of Sherrielock’s whip
as he admired the dominatrix’s shapely hip
he thought her leather skirt was quite the sight
even though his buttocks were no longer tight

And that was how Jefferey spent Saint Paddy’s Day
a Nibiruan otter in Dublin sowin’ wild oats for hay.

-A Saint Patrick’s Day poem
written by Christopher
Friday March 17th
2017.

Sherrielock Holmes
Sherrielock Holmes movin’ in for the kill on Nibiruan otter’s naughty buttocks

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Gali-Gula The ET Gray: A Song: A Poem

August 15, 2016 at 12:46 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Poetry, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

When it comes to UFO abductions, there’s a fellow who’s a real pain in the rear
His name is Gali-Gula and he grins from ear to ear
He’s Gali-Gula who everyone should meet
Happy Gali-Gula keeps his UFO looking neat

A debauched Roman Emperor
who wound up devoid of klemperor
he’s Gali-Gula who everyone should meet
Happy Gali-Gula keeps his UFO looking neat

He took a pee in the corner one night
drinking martinis before flying- not so bright
when Sherrielock Holmes saw him in the nude
and finding this rather rude
to say nothing of being crude
she tomatoed him black and blued

Now his buns are aglow like a laser beam
his galaxial reputation come apart at the seam

But he still smiles by the dawn’s early light
although his tomatoed buns be a frightful sight
he was still smiling when he fell over unconscious
his buns as red as those old Bolsheviks obnoxious

Sherrielock Holmes left him lying there
but stopped at the mirror to brush her hair
and then the leather skirted dominatrix vanished out of sight
with the ET gray’s buttocks still glowing bright
NASA and DARPA got there in the dead of night
by which time the ETs took Gali out of sight

-An erotic BDSM science-fiction poem
(a la Anne Rice as A,N. Roquelaure meets Ray Bradbury)
written by Christopher
Sunday August 14th 2016.

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Wilkie and The UFO Encounter: A Poem

July 15, 2016 at 8:22 pm (Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , )

Wilkie and The UFO Encounter: A Poem

Wilkie The Cat was taking a rest
having won a dance contest where he was the best
He decided to take a walk down to the lake
And took along a piece of cake

The cool cat meowed and munched
then helped himself to a Crispy Crunch
It was getting dark
so sang the lark
but the owl wasn’t giving a hoot
while Wilkie sat and played his flute

The moon emerged and shone its light
Stars came out and shone so bright
Suddenly there was a whirling sound
and a bright light shone upon the ground

Wilkie looked up and there was a bright shaped disc
Wilkie’s tail gave his fur a frisk
This was indeed very strange
an ET was quite in range

Stairs descended
His fur upended
Wilkie looked up and saw alien grays
Was this, he thought, the End of Days?

The aliens said, Come with us, we want to poke and probe you
Then play the Pokemon app and drink Mountain Dew

Wilkie noticed the ET grays were completely nude
what in the universe? This is so crude
And also somewhat rude
Wilkie reflected
energy injected
And took off down the road
not waiting for the ET motherlode

For his mother had warned him to beware of aliens not wearing panties
For they’d take him to the cleaners
and eat all his candies
while NASA’s echelons mocked him while sipping their brandies

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday July 15th 2016.

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Mount Hermon and The UFOs

November 3, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Mount Hermon and The UFOs

Yuri, a pilot in the Russian Air Force, was doing a reconnaissance mission over Mount Hermon on the border between Lebanon, Syria and the Israeli occupied Golan Heights.

Yuri radioed in to base.

“Central Command, have spotted a series of UFOs over Mount Hermon. Should I engage?” asked Yuri.

“Yuri, this is Central Command,” the voice on the radio answered, “please clarify what you mean by UFOs?”.

“Flying saucers,” Yuri replied, “what are called extraterrestrial spacecraft or ET vehicles in popular movies. Repeat question, should I engage?”.

“How many would you estimate are there?” The voice on the radio inquired.

“According to in-flight computer calculations of the blips on the radar, exactly 200,” Yuri answered, “repeat question, should I engage?”.

“Negative, Yuri,” the voice ordered, “Get to Hell out of there and get back to base.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 3rd
2015.

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Lilith and Nimrod

March 3, 2015 at 8:48 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Lilith and Nimrod

The Controller of the Golem noticed the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the public gallery of the U. S. Congress as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave his speech.

The Mossad agent noticed she was wearing the same white and gold evening dress that she was wearing the night before.

He also noticed that her hair was somewhat disheveled as if she had spent the night somewhere and didn’t have time to change.

Meanwhile far away from Congress, a former U.S. President had in his pocket a statement that read “I did not have sexual relations with that vampiress” on the off chance someone had spotted him in the hotel room with that sexy looking redhead.

When the speech was over, the Controller of the Golem followed the Vampiress into the lobby.

He noticed Lilith entering the women’s washroom.

He followed.

As gasps could be heard coming from surprised exiting patrons, he explained, “I’m transgendered like Bruce Jenner is but I’m only beginning my treatments.”

He noticed Lilith bumping into House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi whose mascara was running down her face as a result of crying during Netanyahu’s speech.

He noticed Lilith open the washroom window, turn into a bat and promptly fly out.

The Controller of the Golem entered one of the stalls, closed the door, took out his cell phone and phoned a fellow Mossad agent as he did his business.

Minutes later a huge bloodcurdling female scream could be heard coming from that women’s washroom on that particular floor of Congress.

As security rushed into the washroom, the same female voice could be heard shrieking, “Who the Hell left the toilet seat up?”.

. . .

Lilith had gone to a secret U. S. government lab near Baltimore, Maryland where the body of Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel was being kept.

She found the giant test tube where Nimrod’s body was being kept and opened it.

She could have been stopped by security personnel at the lab except an argument had broken out among security personnel as to what colour her evening dress was.

Half of the personnel said it was “white and gold” and the other half said it was “blue and black”.

As the security personnel proceeded to strangle one another over who was right, Nancy Pelosi’s image appeared on the News on the TV screen no one was watching complaining to reporters that Netanyahu had made condescending remarks about the state of American intelligence.

Meanwhile Lilith had swallowed a special potion given her by the South African Xhosa witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo.

The potion was designed to unite a dead person’s soul with their body once they were given the kiss of life by someone who had drunk the potion.

Lilith threw Nimrod’s dead body on a slab in the lab.

As theme music from The Rocky Horror Picture Show played in the laboratory background, Lilith raised her evening dress and then mounted Nimrod’s body on the slab in the lab.

She then gave Nimrod a very passionate kiss of life.

Nimrod’s soul returned to his body.

Unfortunately due to a miscalculation in the amount of vermouth required in the Kiss of Life potion that Dr. Sterling Makabo had made, the potion as designed by him had the unfortunate side effect of changing Nimrod’s genetic make-up and turning him into a frog.

“Oh shit, he’s turned into a frog! That’s going to cause problems!” Lilith exclaimed as Nimrod turned into a frog.

“It could have been worse, he could have turned into a toad,” a lab security personnel officer spoke his last words prior to being strangled by one of his co-workers.

“He did turn into a toad!” shouted another co-worker.

“He’s a frog, you moron!” insisted another lab security personnel officer.

Soon a fight broke out among the lab security personnel as to whether Nimrod had turned into a frog or a toad.

As the bickering and back-stabbing (quite literally) continued among lab security personnel, Lilith sprouted bat wings through the back of her evening dress and after putting the frog Nimrod into a jar, she flew away with the little amphibian ex-human stuffed down the top of her evening dress in between her cleavage.

“Almost heaven, West Virginia, blue ridge mountain,” Nimrod sang the John Denver lyrics in the jar as the duo flew over West Virginia.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 3rd
2015.

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U. F. O. Crash In The High Arctic

December 12, 2014 at 8:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

U. F. O. Crash In The High Arctic

The Royal Canadian Navy icebreaker HMS Sir John Franklin was in the cold frigid waters of the Arctic Ocean 72 kilometres northeast of the Canadian Northwest Territories hamlet of Tuktoyaktuk.

An airplane was believed to have crashed in the immediate vicinity.

The DEW (Distant Early Warning) line radar station at Tuktoyaktuk first established in the late 1950s at the height of the original Cold War (and secretly reactivated on Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s orders as the Second Cold War- this one against Vladimir Putin’s Russia- was beginning) had picked up a speedy high- flying aerial craft on the radar just before it crashed into the Arctic seas.

Fearing that it was a Russian plane that had crashed, the Defence Department in Ottawa had immediately sent the icebreaker Franklin to the vicinity to retrieve the
plane before the Russian Navy mobilized to attempt a rescue of the wrecked craft.

Even though the craft had gone down in Canadian territorial waters, as someone in the Defence Department quipped, “Putin doesn’t let things such as borders, lines on a map and international law get in the way of getting something that he wants” so it was necessary to dispatch a ship right away before the Russians came breezing in to attempt their own rescue and salvage operation.

“We found it,” the ship’s sonar officer said to the captain of HMS Sir John Franklin.

“How far down is it?” Captain William Washburn asked.

“Let me just try to get an exact reading,” the sonar officer pushed a few buttons, “but it’s within a safe range for us to salvage and bring to the surface.”

“All right begin salvage operations,” Captain Washburn ordered the crew.

. . .

As the craft was hoisted aboard the ship, those present knew they were not looking at a plane.

They were looking at a round flying saucer disc shaped craft- what U.F.O. buffs would have called a U.F.O. had they seen it.

“Any signs of radiation?” Captain Washburn asked the ship’s radiation officer.

The ship’s radiation officer checking his Geiger counter replied, “Some but it’s at safe levels.”

“Let’s see if it can be opened,” Captain Washburn directed his crew.

Various attempts were made but nothing successful.

“Well we better get this back to land and see what can be done from there,” Captain Washburn ordered the ship to embark to the harbour at nearby Tuktoyaktuk.

“Do you mind if I try something?” A voice asked.

Captain Washburn looked in the direction of the voice.

It belonged to Israeli Naval Lt. Enoch Elijah Ben Eitan.

Lt. Ben Eitan was a guest observer from the Israeli Navy.

“Sure, go ahead,” Captain Washburn nodded.

Lt. Ben Eitan opened his briefcase which he always carried with him.

He reached into his briefcase and pulled out what looked to be a foot long key- a key made out of lapis lazuli.

The lapis lazuli key seemed to have ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.

“We find this is able to open such craft when they occasionally crash in the Negev Desert,” explained Ben Eitan.

The statement was greeted with a stunned silence.

Lt. Ben Eitan walked around the craft while holding the lapis lazuli key in his hand.

He stopped when the key suddenly seemed to glow.

He held the key over this portion of the craft and this part of the craft opened like a door.

The Franklin captain and the Israeli lieutenant peered through the door and inside were the bodies of 6 dead ET grays and one dead humanoid looking figure with a Middle Eastern appearance.

“I think we better get to Tuktoyaktuk as soon as possible,” Captain Washburn ordered, “and radio the Defence Department in Ottawa right away as to what we’ve found.”

. . .

On the shore waiting for the ship were members of the Canadian Army, representatives of NORAD, officers from the RCMP and FBI and a special team of M.I.B. (Men In Black) dispatched from Washington D.C.

Also standing on the shore near Tuktoyaktuk was a mysterious figure- the same figure who had stood atop Mount Moriah when the lights and electricity and power had suddenly shut off over Jerusalem.

(For more on this, please read

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2014/11/30/the-mysterious-figure-atop-mount-moriah/

)

As the craft was brought on to the shore, the mysterious figure suddenly vanished into the darkness of the Arctic night.

And a cold wind blew on to the shore.

And the lights from Aurora Borealis – the Northern Lights- that had been in the sky- they seemed to go out- like some dark switch had turned them off.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 8th
2014.

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Diablos Nocturna At The NATO Summit In Newport Wales

September 12, 2014 at 7:47 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Diablos Nocturna At The NATO Summit In Newport Wales

The NATO Summit in Newport Wales was winding down.

Most of the world leaders had left.

And MI-6 agent Diablos Nocturna who had overseen security operations at the summit was watching the shutting down of the summit.

He saw Monica Dhaliwal his liaison with CSIS (the Canadian Security Intelligence Service) approach looking very attractive and stylish in her white blouse, blue jacket, tight blue skirt, black silk pantyhose and striking cerulean blue spiked stiletto high- heeled shoes.

She was definitely the reason he had enjoyed working this summit so much.

She flashed a warm smile as she stood face-to-face with him.

“So,” she flicked her hair back as she spoke, “how ever did you come up with the code name Diablos Nocturna – Devil of the Night?”.

“From medieval legends of the incubus,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“The male demon who slept with beautiful women in the night?” Monica Dhaliwal smiled again.

“The same,” Diablos Nocturna nodded.

“Say who was that woman who looked like the singer Rihanna and was dressed in a Dior red evening gown and hob nobbed with all the world leaders at all the summit dinners?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“That’s the Paris-based billionairess and Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“Vampiress?” The female CSIS agent was shocked.

“Yes her brother, brother-in-law and arch-enemy the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lives in London,” the MI-6 operative answered.

“So you mean there really are such things as vampires and vampiresses?” Monica Dhaliwal adjusted her skirt.

“There are indeed,” the MI-6 agent replied.

“In my university days,” Monica Dhaliwal began stroking her hair, “I’d heard talk of a legendary Canadian vampire hunter by the name of Dracul Van Helsing. Does he actually exist?”.

“He does,” Diablos Nocturna nodded, “I’ve heard of him.”

“This London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set,” the CSIS operative inquired, “does he have anything to do with Set Enterprises the British research and development firm that’s said to be engaged in secret and very controversial genetics experiments?”.

“Yes, he owns it,” Diablos Nocturna took note of a news channel helicopter in the distance, “you might also have heard of his controversial corporate Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering the notorious Renfield R. Renfield. He has quite the reputation in international espionage circles.”

“Renfield R. Renfield works for Set?” The CSIS agent had indeed heard of the ruthless and totally psychotic individual that Western intelligence agencies turned to as a last resort when it came to dealing with the vilest scum of the Earth.

There were rumours that The Blacklist TV series’ character of Raymond Red Reddington was actually modeled on Renfield R. Renfield.

“Yes he works for Set,” Diablos Nocturna answered.

The MI-6 agent invited the CSIS agent for a drink in a nearby Welsh pub.

As they approached the pub entrance from the street, Welsh werewolf (although most people didn’t know that he was a werewolf) British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley came rushing out of the pub.

“They don’t have any buttermilk in this pub,” Magog Rhys Petley gasped, “in fact, they don’t seem to have buttermilk anywhere in town.”

He went running down the street shouting, “Buttermilk. I need buttermilk.”

“Quite the eccentric character,” Monica Dhaliwal looked down the street after him.

“That was Magog Rhys Petley a Welsh Member of Parliament at Westminster,” Diablos Nocturna stated, “Obviously a man who enjoys his buttermilk.”

They entered the pub.

. . .

“So what was this Vampiress Isis doing talking to all those world leaders?” Monica Dhaliwal asked Diablos Nocturna after they sat down.

“She’s hoping to use NATO to destroy Vladimir Putin’s Russia,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“I see,” Monica Dhaliwal looked puzzled, “and why does she want to do that?”.

“Because it was a Russian nuclear submarine that used a laser death ray to disintegrate the spaceship that was returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to Earth from the star system of Sirius back on December 21st 2012 and she’s vowed vengeance ever since,” the MI-6 operative replied.

“I see,” the CSIS operative felt she was in a dream.

“All part of a long-standing family feud that originated in Egypt millenia ago,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “when their brother Set cut up Osiris into 14 pieces and scattered the body parts throughout Egypt. Isis who was married to Osiris managed to find all the parts save one and put them back together again and using Egyptian magic managed to resurrect Osiris. But then Set managed to cast a Black Magic spell on Osiris transporting him and exiling him to a planet in the star system of Sirius. So Horus the son of Isis and Osiris who was also Set’s nephew buried Set alive in a tomb. Set’s tomb was then discovered and opened on November 11th 1918 at ironically enough exactly 1100 hours Greenwich time when the Armistice ending the First World War came into effect. Set fled the tomb after his sarcophagus lid was taken off and he’s been wreaking his havoc on the world ever since.”

“I see,” Monica Dhaliwal sipped her Chai tea (which she was surprised to see offered in a Welsh pub), “and how was it that Osiris returned to Earth on December 21st 2012?”.

“It was because of the Black Magic spell that Set cast on Osiris,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “for ancient Egyptian witchcraft Black Magic spells like most modern food and dairy products had an expiration date on it. And the expiration date for the spell exiling Osiris to the star system of Sirius ended December 21st 2012 on our calendar. It was an expiration date of which the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians were aware. Their prophecies about this event gave the History Channel a lot to talk about on its programs throughout most of the first 12 years of the 21st Century. For all intensive public purposes since nothing appeared to happen on December 21st 2012, they’ve scrambled to try to find a replacement and think that endless reruns of American Pickers will somehow capture the imagination of the television viewing public. If, like Isis, subscribers to the History Channel knew what really happened on December 21st 2012, they too would be calling for Vladimir Putin’s head on a silver platter.”

“So for Isis, all hopes of Osiris’ return have vanished into thin air like disintegrated particles from the after effects of a laser death ray?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“Yes, having one’s anatomical body parts reduced to the sub-atomic level is certainly more of a challenge to put back together again than just being cut up into 14 pieces,” Diablos Nocturna admitted, “but it so happened that leading Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius happened to be in the area of Vancouver’s English Bay at the time and happened to use a mirror and the sounds of the sea from a large sea shell he was holding to collect the disintegrated particles from the laser death ray explosion and put them into a working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider he had in his rowboat with him at the time.”

“So the particles of Osiris’ sub-atomic structure were gathered into Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius’ working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“Along with the sub-atomic particles of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl who was arriving in a space ship from Saturn’s moon Titan in the same vicinity at the same time and was likewise disintegrated from the laser death ray fired by the Russian nuclear submarine that was illegally trespassing in Canadian coastal waters at the time,” Diablos Nocturna answered.

“Wow, I never heard about that in my History of War and Conflict Class at UBC,” said Monica Dhaliwal who was a recent graduate of the University of British Columbia prior to her recruitment by CSIS.

“Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper covered up the whole incident to prevent a possible war with Russia,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “and Harper’s NATO ally U.S. President Barack Obama is still working on a strategy to respond to the whole incident. He may come up with such a working strategy at the same time he finally comes up with a strategy against ISIS- that is the Islamist terrorist caliphate not the Paris-based billionairess Egyptian Vampiress.”

“So whatever became of the particles that were placed inside Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius’ model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider?” the CSIS agent asked.

“They’re now in the Vampiress Isis’ secret subterranean laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Diablos Nocturna replied, “although it’s not as secret as she thinks it is since MI-6 knows all about it. There Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius and a number of other of the world’s leading scientists are working to put the particles of Osiris back together again.”

“Why is the Vampiress Isis’ laboratory located beneath Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris?” Monica Dhaliwal inquired.

“It’s my understanding that Isis is a big fan of the late great British actor Charles Laughton,” the MI-6 agent answered, “and particularly enjoyed his 1939 film The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

“So are they having any success putting the particles of Osiris back together again?” The CSIS agent looked at the pattern in her cup of chai tea.

“Well according to a theoretical research paper written by a professor of particle physics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,” Diablos Nocturna put a little pepper on his dish of Welsh rarebit, “an ET gray’s laser death ray gun fired in reverse into the surrounding atmosphere might be able to put the particles back together again.”

“So all Isis has to do then is to get her hands on an ET gray’s laser death ray gun,” Monica Dhaliwal picked up her fork to sample her own dish of Welsh rarebit.

“That’s right,” Diablos Nocturna nodded, “and there may be a bit of a problem getting that.”

On the radio in the Welsh pub was playing the latest release from the American music group Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers with their lead vocalist Sekhmet singing the lyrics that were also the title of the song, “Mr. ET Gray, I’m So Sorry I Lost Your Laser Death Ray Gun.”

In the distance outside the pub could be heard the melancholy haunting sound of what sounded like a werewolf howling.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 6th
2014

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Flashback To The End of The World- Dec. 21st 2012

September 9, 2014 at 4:04 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Flashback To The End of The World- Dec. 21st 2012

The vampire novel chapter I wrote back on December 21st 2012 when something of cosmic significance was supposed to happen on Earth on that date according to Mayan, Aztec and Hopi Indian prophecies.

http://thevampiresamurai.blogspot.ca/2012/12/dec-21st-2012-tempest-or-much-ado-about.html?m=1

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Renfield’s Copy of The Laser Death Ray Gun

June 4, 2014 at 2:32 pm (Entertainment, Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Copy of The Laser Death Ray Gun

Upon his return to the UK, Renfield took the ET gray’s laser death ray gun to Dr. Cadbury Rocher at the Set Enterprises’ Laboratory in London.

Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had built the world’s most advanced 3-D copier and printer.

Renfield would have the ET gray’s laser death ray gun copied and then give the original to his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

The copy he would give to his Boss’ rival the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis as payment for having received a fresh Seine River French mermaid sandwich and tantric sex from her to say nothing of several million euros being deposited from her in Renfield’s numbered Swiss bank account.

As Dr. Rocher copied and printed up the ET gray’s laser death ray gun, Renfield went into the lab to see what his friend Amadeus was doing.

Amadeus was busy playing with Michelangelo the world’s first genetically created psychic lobster.

Michelangelo had the ability to enter people’s dreams and reveal what they were dreaming by having his lobster antennae hooked up to a computer and then transmitting the visual data of the dream to the computer screen.

Michelangelo also had the ability to occasionally pick up radio transmissions from the future on his lobster antennae.

By hooking up his antennae to the computer, the radio transmission from the future would then be played on the computer’s loud speakers.

Both Amadeus and Renfield enjoyed listening to radio news stories from the future.

“I think a transmission from the future is coming in now,” Amadeus called out to Renfield.

The radio news announcer’s voice could be heard on the computer’s loud speakers as Michelangelo’s lobster antennae picked up the transmission,

“… News of the couple’s separation comes only days after Kanye West found Kim Kardashian in bed with Justin Bieber…”

“… Meanwhile funeral arrangements for Mr. Bieber…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 3rd
2014.

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Nero Wilson On The Arsenio Hall Show

May 30, 2014 at 6:18 pm (Entertainment, Music, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Nero Wilson On The Arsenio Hall Show

Nero Wilson was getting a haircut in a Los Angeles barber shop so he’d look more like his hero the Roman Emperor Nero when he performed with his band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers on The Arsenio Hall Show tonight.

Nero Wilson’s cousin Charlie Wilson (whose band stage name was Bud Lou) the band’s electrical guitarist was standing in line in a Los Angeles gun store hoping to buy himself a gun.

The reason why Charlie Wilson was buying himself a gun was because Sekhmet the band’s female singer was going to wear an authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun inside her belt for the band’s appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show tonight.

So Charlie Wilson thought he’d wear a good old authentic American handgun inside his belt for their appearance.

The trouble was as Charlie Wilson was standing in line inside the gun store, he was complaining to everyone in line that here he was a rock ‘n roll musician and he was still a virgin.

As soon as the gun store owner heard that, he immediately denied Charlie Wilson permission to buy a gun when the electrical guitarist came up to the till because being a virgin, the man was obviously mentally ill.

The gun store owner didn’t want to be held responsible for another Elliot Rodger style incident like the recent Isla Vista killings at Santa Barbara.

Not that the gun store owner was concerned about loss of life (if he was concerned about loss of life, he wouldn’t be in this business). He was more worried about potential lawsuits from potential victims’ families for selling a gun to a mentally ill person… like a virgin (to quote a Madonna song title).

So Charlie Wilson left the store a dejected man.

He wasn’t able to get laid.

And he wasn’t able to get a gun.

Later Charlie Wilson’s younger brother Dave Wilson (whose band stage name was Abbott Costello) the band’s drummer arrived in the same gun store later to buy himself a gun.

If Sekhmet was going to wear an authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun in her belt during the performance on The Arsenio Hall Show, then he was going to wear an authentic American hand gun tied to a pony tail on his long heavy metal headbanger style hair.

As Dave Wilson stood in line inside the gun store, he boasted to everyone in line about his numerous sexual conquests as a drummer in a rock and roll band.

The gun store owner took note of Dave.

Nothing mentally ill about that guy he thought to himself.

In fact the man seemed to represent the personification of the apotheosis of the American (wet) Dream.

When Dave reached the till, the gun store owner sold him enough guns and ammunition to have lasted an entire division of the U.S. Army a whole year at the height of the Afghan War.

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield sat at the back of the theatre during this night’s filming of The Arsenio Hall Show.

As soon as the show’s host Arsenio Hall introduced Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers and the band started playing, then Renfield R. Renfield the world’s first and only genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human would shapeshift into a hamster and run up on stage and crawl up Sekhmet’s lovely black silk nylon clad leg and then remove the authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun from her belt and then run off stage heading straight for the exit door.

Arsenio Hall spoke, “And now ladies and gentlemen… here they are… the band who’s currently playing at The Tropicana Nightclub in downtown Los Angeles… Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers…”

The audience started applauding as the band burst into a rendition of their hit song I’ll Give You The Moon If You Give Me The Finger In This Traffic Jam.

Nero Wilson was wearing a Roman toga around his body, leather sandals on his feet and a laurel wreath in his hair as he played the electric violin.

Charlie Wilson was wearing a t- shirt with Mr. Bean’s picture on it and some purple and gold plaid pants and some yellow sneakers as he played the electric guitar.

Sekhmet was wearing a fringe skirted lion’s skin mini dress, black silk pantyhose and gold spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes as she sang, “You better watch out ’cause I’m lifting my skirt. I’ll give you the moon if you give me the finger in this traffic jam…”

Around her waist she wore a belt with Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.

And of course inside her belt was tucked the authentic ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Dave Wilson the drummer was wearing a black shirt, black pants and black shoes as he played the drums.

His long hair was tied in a pony tail.

Attached to the pony tail was a 44 Magnum.

Suddenly women in the audience started jumping up and down and screaming “Mouse! Mouse! There’s a mouse in the house!”.

A nerdy looking bookish type guy with glasses ( who had also been denied a gun permit that afternoon) said, “Actually, I think it’s a hamster.”

The hamster started crawling up one of Sekhmet’s sexy and shapely black silk nylon clad legs.

“Oh God, that feels good,” Sekhmet moaned.

Nero Wilson stopped playing the electric violin and turned to her saying, “I don’t recall those lyrics being in the song.”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Sekhmet shrieked ecstatically as she leaned backwards on to the floor and lifted her already short short skirt.

“Good Lord, she’s outgaga-ing Lady Gaga,” Arsenio Hall spewed Gatorade out of his mouth and all over one of the cameras as he spoke.

The hamster grabbed the ET gray’s laser death ray gun out of her Egyptian hieroglyph belt and then ran straight through her legs.

The gun went off.

But fortunately it was just on the Shock mode and not the Kill mode.

“The mother ship of all orgasms,” Sekhmet shouted in delight about the out-of-this-world experience she just had.

The hamster flashed the happiest hamster face of all time at the camera and then ran out of the theatre.

At that point, Charlie Wilson’s smart phone went off.

It was a text message coming in from the bully of his old high school graduating class back home in Cleveland, “What a loser you are, Charlie. There you are out on the West Coast in California and even a hamster is able to score before you do.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 30th
2014.

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