Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

May 22, 2016 at 5:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

Salaman The Magician had had a successful run with his magic show in London.

Audiences were raving about it.

Although on this night, the raving was done by Boris Johnson the former Mayor of London and Euro-sceptic Conservative MP who mistook the magician’s sawing his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the Union Jack as an endorsement of an EU superstate over a sovereign United Kingdom.

To settle things down, Salaman The Magician decided to saw his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the European Union flag instead much to the cheers of the pro-Brexit crowd.

After sawing the woman in half and separating the European Union flag draped box, the audience shouted, “Don’t bother putting her back together.”

So the magician’s assistant had to be put together backstage.

Sitting next to Boris Johnson in the audience was the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.

Lilith had been asked by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to bump off Johnson because the Turkish despot and would be restored Sultan of a revived Ottoman Caliphate was offended by Boris Johnson’s offensive limerick about him that won The Spectator Magazine’s President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition.

The plan was for Nimrod (the builder of the Tower of Babel who was now a frog due to a vampiric kiss magic spell gone awry) to hide down the front of Lilith’s lavender coloured evening dress between her cleavage (where Nimrod often liked to be for some reason) and then jump out at an appropriate moment during the performance to ribbit an Amazon River basin poison plant dart out of his mouth in Johnson’s direction.

Unfortunately for Erdogan’s homicidal plans, Nimrod had accidentally purchased a bottle of Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel instead of Amazon River Basin Poison Plant Liquid Gel by mistake at a London chemist shop earlier in the day.

So when Nimrod jumped out from between Lilith’s cleavage as the stage band played Beethoven’s Ode To Joy as Salaman sawed the European Union draped flag box (with beautiful female assistant inside) in half, the ancient prince turned frog fired Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel into Johnson’s Adam’s Apple.

Instead of immediately keeling over and dying on the spot (which would have occurred had the fast acting Poison Plant Liquid Gel been used), Johnson instead fell to his knees and said, “Is this a leather skirted dominatrix I see before me?”.

As Johnson babbled about pirate ships under attack by bunny rabbits, Lilith and Nimrod hastily exited the theatre.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 21st
2016.

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Limericks About Two World Leaders- Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama

September 3, 2014 at 3:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Limericks About 2 World Leaders

Limerick About Vladimir Putin

There was a man named Putin
for world opinion didn’t give a hootin’
marched into Ukraine
giving Europe much pain
and Stalin’s ghost’s a-rootin’

Limerick About Barack Obama

There was a man named Obama
under whose rule was slain Osama
but when it came to ISIS
he suffered paralysis
and couldn’t strategize worth a damn-a

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The Friday The World Turned Black

April 18, 2014 at 7:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Friday The World Turned Black

It was Maundy Thursday evening on Park Avenue in New York City as the mysterious billionaire behind the black curtains of his apartment enjoyed a lone supper of a boar’s head and roast pork and lobster and shellfish and sipped champagne from a gold chalice.
He was on a speaker phone in a conference call with 12 of his associates in important national capitals around the world.

. . .

At the exact same moment as the Park Avenue billionaire broke off a piece of pork with his bare hands and sampled it and sipped from the cup of champagne, a mysterious figure stood on the very top of Mount Everest and spoke to a man who also stood on the top.

“Do you see all these nations of the world from up here?” The mysterious figure asked the man, “I will give you them all if you worship me.”

“I see nothing but a lot of clouds at so great a height,” the man replied.

The figure waved his hands and all the nations of the world appeared to the man in a vision.

“See them now?” The figure asked, “I WILL give you them all if you worship me.”

“All right,” the man replied.

As soon as the man spoke those words, an avalanche occurred on Everest.

The avalanche immediately buried and killed 12 Sherpa guides.

. . .

It was Good Friday afternoon at 3:00 PM local time as the Park Avenue billionaire’s supersonic jet flew with great speed above the Andes right over the Chilean-Argentinian border.

On board the jet was the man who had accepted the offer from the mysterious figure atop Everest.

The man was in the plane’s washroom urinating and talking to UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon on his mobile phone right as the plane flew above the statue of Christ of the Andes.

The statue of Christ of the Andes had been unveiled on March 13th 1904.

109 years later on March 13th 2013, an Argentinian Jorge Mario Bergoglio would be elected Pope and take the name Francis.

. . .

The Park Avenue billionaire was listening to the radio.

Pro-Russian militias were not leaving government buildings in eastern Ukraine- one of the conditions in yesterday’s accord in Geneva between the U.S. , the EU and Russia.

Meanwhile Poland’s Defence Minister Tomasz Siemoniak announced that U.S. ground forces would soon be deployed in Poland in response to the Ukraine crisis.

The Park Avenue billionaire smiled as he sipped his glass of sherry.

All was going according to plan.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 18th
2014.

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Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield

February 21, 2014 at 8:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in the study of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

The phone rang.

Amadeus picked it up.

It was Renfield calling from a jail in Paris as a French version of the old Elvis Presley song Jailhouse Rock played in the background.

“Amadeus,” said Renfield, “you know how to operate my iMac desktop don’t you?”.

“Yes,” Amadeus went over to Renfield’s desk in the study.

“Turn it on and go over to Photos in my desktop screen, ” Renfield said, “and type in search the keyword PoodleKraut.”

Amadeus did as Renfield requested.

“Okay open up all those photos that are under that heading,” Renfield directed.

Amadeus did so.

He then gasped.

“Okay,” Renfield’s smile seemed to come through his phone voice, “you should now be looking at a bunch of highly compromising and very embarrassing photos of French President Francois Hollande in various unusual positions with German Chancellor Angela Merkel amidst much French champagne and German Wiener Schnitzel on a bed in a mirror ceilinged bedroom.”

“I see them,” Amadeus said as his long-lasting childhood innocence was rapidly coming to a close by gazing at these photos.

“Okay, now I want you to email those photos to French President Francois Hollande’s personal email address,” Renfield gave him the address, “with the written instructions that unless he President Hollande grants an immediate Presidential pardon to one Renfield R. Renfield of the United Kingdom and has him released from jail immediately, those photos will be emailed to every newspaper in France within the next 24 hours. Got all that?”.

“Yes,” said Amadeus.

“Then do it,” Renfield ordered.

Amadeus said he would. He then put down the phone and went to the washroom where he lost his lunch (a direct result of viewing those photos) before proceeding with Renfield’s instructions.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 21st
2014.

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Winter Olympics Open In Sochi and More Fallout Over Kiev

February 7, 2014 at 8:39 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Winter Olympics Open In Sochi and More Fallout Over Kiev

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were watching the highlights of the Opening Ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi on BBC World News.

“Say,” Amadeus asked between munches of hot buttered popcorn, “isn’t that the Norse vampire Odin and the Norse vampire Thor walking on one side of the stadium and the Norse vampire Loki and the Norse wolf Fenrir walking on the other?”.

Renfield looked up from the book he was reading by early 20th Century Italian Marxist theoretician Antonio Gramsci and glanced at the screen, “Yes, I believe it is.”

The scene then switched to Bosnia-Herzegovina where anti- government protests had turned violent.

“Say isn’t that the Ancient Greek vampire Ares in the crowd eating a Mars bar?” Amadeus asked between sips from a bottle of Coca-Cola whose ingredients were listed in the Spanish language (which no doubt would have offended a U.S. Republican Congressman of the Tea Party variety).

“I believe so,” Renfield looked up from his iPhone where he was checking French President Francois Hollande’s Facebook status that read “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…” although he had written it in French.

As a comment below the status, someone had posted a photo of a cartoon caricature of Francois Hollande looking like an extended nose Pinocchio.

On the darkened streets of Sarajevo at night, the BBC News cameras showed the ghost of an assassinated Austrian Archduke walking around saying, “I am the ghost of Franz Ferdinand doomed these past one hundred years to walk the night…”

BBC World News then showed the streets of Kiev where the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith was walking around hitting Ukrainian policemen on the head with a smart phone shaped spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe while a Ukrainian protestor whistled the theme song from the old 1960s American TV series Get Smart.

“I wonder what Lilith is doing in Kiev?” Amadeus asked as he reached into a bucket of chicken wings

“Maybe looking for a good recipe for Chicken Kiev,” Renfield responded while glancing through a biography of Neville Chamberlain.

The BBC News then showed a video of German Chancellor Angela Merkel looking apoplectic while blasting the United States for a derogatory remark that U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland had made about the EU in a phone conversation with the U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine.

“F— the EU,” the bugged recording of the conversation had Victoria Nuland saying.

As Renfield flipped through the pages of a book called The Role of The Kama Sutra in Geopolitics and International Relations, Amadeus asked him, “Who do you suppose is responsible for bugging that phone conversation between Assistant Secretary of State Nuland and the U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine?”.

Renfield a renowned hacker, wiretapper and eavesdropper in his own right grinned but said nothing.

Outside the window of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s estate, a colossal raven sat in the branches of a giant oak tree and looking in and eavesdropping on Amadeus and Renfield started to crow, “It’s all a Jewish conspiracy. It’s all a Jewish conspiracy.”

The raven raised its right claw on which it had a black swastika decorated armband.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 7th
2014

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The Revenge of Isis

December 19, 2013 at 5:37 pm (Commentary, History, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Revenge of Isis

The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis sat seething in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was really starting to piss her off.

First, last December 21st, a Russian nuclear submarine had fired a laser death ray at the spaceship returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to earth disintegrating both spaceship and Osiris.

Now she had a lot more pieces of Osiris to pick up and re-assemble together than she did the time Osiris was dismembered and cut up into 14 pieces by her brother, brother-in-law and enemy Set millenia ago.

A group of the world’s best particle physicists she had assembled to put Osiris together again.

But it was slow painstaking work.

They worked around the clock.

The night team of particle physicists were called All The King’s Horses.

And the day team of particle physicists were called All The King’s Men.

Osiris himself was designated by the U.S. Secret Service code name Humpty Dumpty according to the leaked Edward Snowden documents.

Now Putin was pissing her off again by arranging a financial bailout of Ukraine.

Putin’s puppet President of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych had rejected EU integration and had received a financial bailout and cheaper Russian natural gas as a result.

By doing so, Ukraine was preventing her puppets from taking power, Isis thought as she angrily bit into an orange.

How dare Putin oppose her New World Order.

After all this had been something she and her exiled lover Osiris (Osiris had been exiled to the star system of Sirius by a black magic spell cast by their enemy Set- the black magic spell did have an expiry date- something that had been known to the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians but not the seer Nostradamus despite the claims of fictional History Channel programs)
had been planning for centuries.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 19th
2013

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