Osiris Views Vatican Christmas Tree and Nativity Scene

December 23, 2017 at 9:06 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Osiris Views Vatican Christmas Tree and Nativity Scene

The Egyptian vampire Osiris had been invited by the Rome based spiritist medium Cassandra Sibylline to view the Vatican Christmas Tree and Nativity scene.

Osiris was worried that as a vampire, he might suffer intense pain viewing Christian symbols on the tree 🌲 and in the Nativity scene.

Osiris need not have worried.

For the decorations on the Vatican Christmas tree in Saint Peter’s Square this year were devoid of Christian religious symbols.

There were peace signs and yin/yang symbols but no angels, no depictions of the Magi and no images of Mary, Joseph or the Christ Child.

As for the Vatican Nativity scene, it did have Joseph, Mary, the Magi and the shepherds. It also had a naked man (who Cassandra Sibylline said looked “like the poster boy for the local Tony Curtis Spartacus Gym and Health Spa”) lying on the straw.

An ad for the Vatican Nativity scene was in fact rejected by Facebook saying “Your ad can’t include images that are sexually suggestive or provocative.”

Commented Osiris to Cassandra Sibylline, “I like this year’s Vatican Christmas tree and Nativity scene. It makes a vampire feel right at home.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 23rd
2017.

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A Day In The Digital Life of Renfield

December 14, 2017 at 8:13 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

A Day In The Digital Life of Renfield

Morning at the breakfast table in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion:

Amadeus (munching on his toast): So did you ever hear back from Miss Hailee Steinfeld over that Twitter tweet you sent her where you posted a link to your Facebook video in which you alleged that you had been bullied? Did she ask you out on a date?

Renfield (his face turning red): No, she told me that I was a purveyor of fake news and told me to go f— myself.

Amadeus (in a reflective tone of voice): Well, the first part of her statement is definitely true and as for the second part, if you could actually physically do that, you could shoot a video of yourself doing that and post it on social media and I’ll definitely guarantee that it will go viral.

. . .

Lead story on the BBC Evening News that night:

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield has expressed his extreme disappointment that one of China’s largest tech companies has taken its flirtatious secretary virtual assistant off-line.

The avatar called Vivi appeared in an office setting wearing a blouse and short skirt and saying, “I am your girlfriend. You must love and adore me.”

Mr. Renfield said that with Vivi gone, he no longer had any reason to hack into China tech companies anymore.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 14th
2017.

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Haiku That Rhymes On Social Networking Then And Now

September 12, 2013 at 3:31 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Yon in days of yore

love sonnets made hearts flitter

now Facebook, Twitter

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Cinco de Mayo Summer Day In Vancouver

May 6, 2013 at 1:46 am (Personal essays) (, , , , , , , )

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! 

 

After going to Church this morning, I spent the day on the beach at English Bay where it was a glorious sunshiney day.

 

Since coming to Vancouver, one thing I’ve noticed while eating in restaurants here is that people often take photos of their lunches and dinners prior to eating them.

 

It’s a habit that hasn’t really caught on in Edmonton at the time I left it last October.

 

However it’s probably big elsewhere as it is in Vancouver because this would explain why photos from my Facebook friends from all over the world often have photos of food and drink.

 

They take photos before they eat or drink what they’re having.

 

I remember in one Korean restaurant I was in about a week ago, I wondered if the food was going to get cold because there was a group of 20 people sitting at one table.  And everybody was taking a photo of everyone else’s plate of food as well as their own. Nobody started eating until all the photos were taken.

 

Memo to myself: Remember to eat something before the meal if I’m ever invited to a large group gathering eating out because I might die of starvation by the time everyone finishes taking their smart phone photos of everyone’s dish.

 

This will probably give rise to the expression “photogenic food”.

 

 

Anyways while I was at the beach, there was this guy and girl who sat down on the log next to me and both of them had ice cream cones.

 

The girl took out her smart phone and was trying to line up the perfect picture to take of her ice cream cone- something difficult to do while holding an ice cream cone in one hand and a smart phone in the other.

 

Anyways it was a hot summer day on the beach and she was taking so long to take the perfect photo of her ice cream cone (no doubt to upload to her friends on Facebook) that the ice cream cone started to melt.

 

Pretty soon it was really melting all over the place.

 

“Oh shoot,” the girl said, “I can’t take a picture of this now. It’s melted all over the place.”

 

Anyways her boyfriend finally grabbed her smart phone and took a photo of both her and the melted ice cream cone.

 

An image that will no doubt live in posterity on someone’s Facebook page.

 

Later in the early evening I went to a bar and had a refreshing drink to cool down.

 

People who read my vampire novel and my short stories no doubt have noticed that I love making up and telling my own puns.

 

Anyways the bar was quite busy tonight.

 

There were 3 bartenders on and they were trying to fill all the drink orders.

 

Then one girl called out to the other two and said, “Will someone please grab me another Caesar?”.

 

Note to my American readers: A Caesar is a popular drink up here in Canada. It’s made of vodka and clamato juice (Clamato is a combination of clam and tomato juice- I’ve been told that Clamato juice isn’t so popular in the U.S. and hence a Caesar is a uniquely Canadian drink).

 

Anyways as soon as this girl said, “Will someone please grab me another Caesar?”, I immediately piped up, “That’s what a Roman general once said when the latest Roman Emperor had just been assassinated by his own Praetorian Guard, will someone please grab me another Caesar?”.

 

And that dear friends is how I spent my Cinco de Mayo summer day in Vancouver.

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The Flamingo Named Domingo

January 4, 2012 at 9:15 pm (Poetry) (, , , )

There once was a flamingo
who was named Domingo
who enjoyed playing the game of bingo
and while doing so one night
to his horror and his fright
lost his love’s engagement ring-o
that’s why his Facebook status is now “single”.

-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Wednesday evening January 4th 2012.

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Ghost of Josef Stalin On Social Networking Sites

August 24, 2011 at 8:09 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the genetically engineered Psychic Lobster was again feeling bored in his solo lobster tank in the Set Laboratories Lab outside London.

He decided he’d once again kill time through his genetically engineered ability to enter people’s dreams.

First he’d see if Renfield was asleep and dreaming.

He entered the mind of Renfield who was currently asleep and dreaming in a motel room in the U.S. state of Virginia.

Renfield was dreaming that he was in the drive-through lane at a McDonald’s restaurant.

Speaking into the drive-through intercom, Renfield said, “Lapar amai pour sex.”

He was showing off his skills at being able to speak 3 languages- Iban, French and English simultaneously.

Michelangelo shook his lobster head (and thus his antennae as well).

Renfield would always be Renfield.

Michelangelo decided he would then enter the dreams of Piers Morgan the host of CNN”s news talk show Piers Morgan Tonight.

Piers Morgan was dreaming that he was talking to the ghost of late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin on his show.

Complained Stalin’s ghost, “You know as I look around at the world today, I’ve always regretted the fact that both myself and my state the U.S.S.R. kicked the bucket before the advent of Internet social networking sites.
I mean one of the drawbacks of being in control of a police state in my day was that you had to spend so much money on having a vast secret police service to spy and find out what your people were saying, doing and thinking.
These days thanks to sites like Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, people automatically post for the entire world to see what they’re saying, doing and thinking.
It would have made running a totalitarian state so much easier had these sites been around when I was busy dictating.”

To be continued.

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The Twitter Flasher of New York City

June 6, 2011 at 7:12 pm (Commentary, Satire) (, , , , , , , , , , )

After I saw Rep. Anthony Weiner’s pitiful announcement and press conference on CNN today, the thought came to me to write a satirical song about the whole sordid mess.

And the lyrics that were entering my mind as I watched this press conference were to the tune of an old World War II song The D-Day Dodgers.

During World War II, a story surfaced that British Member of Parliament Lady Astor said that the British troops who were fighting in the Invasion of Italy were enjoying a paid holiday and not making the same heroic sacrifices that the Allied soldiers were making on the beaches of Normandy during D-Day and afterwards.

In fact the Allied invasion of Italy was a very bloody campaign and some British soldier took it upon himself to write a reply to Lady Astor in song- a song that became known to history as The D-Day Dodgers.

The tune of the D-Day Dodgers itself came from an earlier World War I song Lily Marlene that was sung in the trenches of that great and terrible war.

Here are the lyrics to The D-Day Dodgers:

We’re the D-Day Dodgers, way off in Italy
Always on the vino, always on the spree,
Eighth Army scoungers and their tanks,
We live in Rome, among the Yanks,
We are the D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy
We are the D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy;
We landed in Salerno, a holiday with pay,
the Jerries brought the bands out to greet us on the way.
Showed us the sights and gave us tea,
We all sang songs, the beer was free
To welcome D-Day Dodgers to sunny Italy.

Naples and Casino were taken in our stride,
We didn’t want to fight there, we went just for the ride.
Anzio and Sangro were just names,
We only went to look for dames
The artful D-Day Dodgers, way out in Italy.

Dear Lady Astor, you think you’re mighty hot
Standing on the platform talking tommyrot.
You’re England’s sweetheart and her pride
We think your mouth’s too bleeding wide.
We are the D-Day Dodgers in sunny Italy,
Look around the mountains, in the mud and rain,
you’ll find the scattered crosses, some that have no name.
They are the D-Day Dodgers who stay in Italy.

Here’s a video of the song The D-Day Dodgers so you get an idea of the tune:

Here’s my satirical song The Twitter Flasher of New York City set to the tune of the song The D-Day Dodgers:

I’m the Twitter Flasher of dear New York Cit-ee
always with my weenie when I’m on my PC,
social media scounger with my many pranks
I schmooze in DC- capital of the Yanks
I’m the Twitter Flasher from New York Cit-ee
I’m the Twitter Flasher letting it hang out in DC.
I sent a message on Twitter- a jolly site today
I pulled my Jerry down to greet her this special way.
Showed her the sights before I had to pee
I didn’t realize I’d sent it for everyone to see
so I claimed a hacker hacked in from some unknown point B.

Facebook and Twitter I just took in my stride
all I wanted was to give my jolly a jolly good ride
Miss X and Lady Y were just simply names
I only went FB’ing just to look for dames.
I’m the artful Flasher in NY and DC.

Dear Andrew Breitbart, you think you’re mighty hot
Standing in the blogosphere talking tommy rot
but when it comes to shortcomings, you’ve shown
the world nothing to what I’ve got.
I’m the Twitter Flasher of New York Cit-ee
Look around the cyberlandscape amid the sleeze and the pain
you’ll find the scattered hearts, some that have no name
cause I’m the Twitter Flasher of New York Cit-ee.

-A satirical song written by Christopher Van Helsing
Monday evening June 6th 2011
to be sung to the tune of The D-Day Dodgers.

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