Cthulhu In The Tiber
Pope Francis, still recovering in Rome’s Agostino Gemelli Hospital, was being visited by one of his papal aides Father Thomas Oliver Wardenclyffe.
“Distressing news,” Father Wardenclyffe began, “Cthulhu has been spotted swimming in the Tiber River through Rome.”
“Who’s Cthulhu?” Francis asked.
“He’s a Great Old One as far as cosmic entities go,” Father Wardenclyffe explained, “He has several titles The High Priest of the Great Old Ones, The Great Dreamer and also The Sleeper of R’lyeh. He’s a giant who looks like a combination of a green octopus, a dragon and a gargantuan caricature of the human form.”
“Is he one of the first Transhumans visualized by Klaus Schwab and the World Economic Forum?” Francis asked.
“We’re not sure,” Father Wardenclyffe shrugged.
Pope Francis’ doctor raised an eyebrow, “I thought Cthulhu was a fictional creature created by American horror writer H.P. Lovecraft who first appeared in the short story The Call of Cthulhu published by the American pulp magazine Weird Tales in 1928?”.
“Somebody better tell that to Cthulhu,” Father Wardenclyffe pointed out the window.
. . .
“Has anybody ever told you that you’re loaded with spiked protein antibodies to the Covid-19 virus?” A doctor (who had just performed a Covid-19 test on the cosmic entity) asked The Great Old One on the banks of the Tiber River.
“No, you’re the first,” Cthulhu answered before eating the doctor.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 12th
2021.
Vladimir Putin and The Vampiress Priestess of Baal
Vladimir Putin and The Vampiress Priestess of Baal
Russian President Vladimir Putin was meeting with Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal in his office in the Kremlin.
“Kind of you to meet me on such notice,” the Vampiress Priestess of Baal smiled.
“Usually when vampiresses have met me in the past, it’s to bring me good news,” Putin smiled.
“Well actually I was hoping to get news from you for certain contacts I have in the Vatican 🇻🇦,” Allatallahbel coughed.
“And what do your contacts in the Vatican want to know?” Putin asked as he threw a dart 🎯 at a photo of British MP Renfield R. Renfield on the wall.
Putin was as irritated by Renfield as a horse was by a gadfly or as Hitler was by a backbench British Conservative MP named Winston Churchill in the Europe of the late 1930s.
“They are curious as to why you seem to be so confident you can win a Third World War,” Allatallahbel answered, “your State of the Union Address in the Russian Federal Assembly on March 1st past. Your talk of invincible weapons such as hypersonic missiles and unmanned submersible vehicles that can move at great depths- it sounds impressive but can you win a Third World War with such weapons?”.
Putin laughed, “I find it interesting that officials in the Vatican would want to know why it is that I can win a Third World War because it was actually information from the Vatican that convinced me that I can.”
“And what is that information?” Allatallahbel asked.
“The Third Secret of Fatima,” Putin replied.
“The Third Secret of Fatima?” Allatallahbel smoothed her dress.
She had heard the story about how the Virgin Mary had supposedly appeared to three shepherd children at Fatima Portugal 🇵🇹 back in 1917 and gave them three visions as well as an explanation accompanying each vision.
These explanations were kept secret by the children (2 died in the global flu epidemic following the First World War and the other Sister Lucy lived until 2005) and so were called Secrets.
“But I thought the Third Secret was publicly released by the Vatican back in the year 2000,” said Allatallahbel.
“The vision accompanying the Third Secret was but not Mary’s explanation of the secret,” Putin answered.
“I hadn’t heard that,” said Allatallahbel.
“Just one of several cover-ups by the Vatican over the years,” Putin helped himself to caviar.
“So you know the contents of the Third Secret?” Allatallahbel asked Putin.
“I was actually faxed a copy back in Halloween of 2014 from a Cardinal who called himself JM,” Putin said, “but I just thought it was a Halloween prank on his part.”
“What convinced you it was not?” Allatallahbel asked.
“It turns out Russian 🇷🇺 Intelligence officers intercepted a message that a member of the Portuguese Intelligence Service was trying to deliver to an Israeli 🇮🇱 Mossad agent in Berlin back in May 2014,” Putin explained, “that message was put in the FSB archives and only examined last year. The message purported to be the contents of the Third Secret of Fatima. But then Svetlana Kireeva one of our best operatives compared that intercepted message with the faxed copy of the message I received from Cardinal JM and discovered the contents were the same.”
“And what were the contents of the message?” Allatallahbel asked.
“There would be earthquakes and tsunamis and comets and meteorites hitting the Earth, there would be a Pope who would be under the control of Satan and would introduce apostasy and heresy into the Catholic Church and Russia would win the Third World War,” Putin replied, “The FSB’s Historical Research Division then investigated the apparitions that happened over a century ago and also this particular version of the Third Secret and concluded much to their surprise that the apparitions and this version of the Third Secret were probably genuine.”
“So this has now convinced you to start the Third World War?” Allatallahbel asked.
“Oh no,” Putin smiled, “We’re only going to win the Third World War. It would be in pretty bad form in terms of good historical public relations for us to start it. We’re going to force other people to start it.”
Putin smiled as he looked over at the television and noticed a replay of British Prime Minister Theresa May’s speech on the Salisbury Incident that was given in the British Parliament earlier this week.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 16th
2018.
Pope Francis and The Secret Message From Kim Jong-un
Pope Francis and The Secret Message From Kim Jong-un
The Vatican Cardinal known as Cardinal JM walked into Pope Francis’ apartment.
“Holy Father,” said JM, “The Vatican has received a message from North Korea’s 🇰🇵 leader Kim Jong-un that is for your eyes only.”
“For me?” Pope Francis took off his glasses and wiped them.
“Yes,” Cardinal JM handed him the Vatican diplomatic corps dispatch box.
The Bishop of Rome opened the dispatch box and looked at the message.
“It’s written in Korean?” Pope Francis looked at Cardinal JM.
“Well,” Cardinal JM cleared his throat, “I imagine the Dear Leader (or whatever the Hell he’s called)’s Latin is rather shaky.”
“As is mine,” Pope Francis admitted, “but my Korean is even worse.”
Cardinal JM was immediately on the phone trying to track down a Korean translator.
3 hours later, the cook from one of Rome’s most popular Korean restaurants was in Pope Francis’ apartment.
The cook read the translation and also handed out copies of the restaurant’s evening take-out menu to all those present.
When he finished, he left.
“And do we have a copy of the manuscript to which the Dear Leader refers in the Vatican?” Pope Francis asked.
“I believe we do, Holy Father,” Cardinal JM stroked his chin 🤔.
He was soon on the phone to the monk in charge of the Vatican Archives.
The monk Head Archivist was apparently taking his evening cappuccino break and wouldn’t be back for another 6 hours.
“But we have no time to lose,” Francis cried, “World War III could break out at any minute.”
“I’ll go to every cappuccino bar in Rome and try to track him down, Holy Father,” Cardinal JM put on his coat and walked out the door.
This should certainly cure my caffeine fix for the next year, Cardinal JM thought to himself as he walked out into the night.
Meanwhile in the papal apartment, the clock on the wall was ticking.
Tick tock… tick tock…
The Pope remembered a song he had once heard an American youth group sing,
“The kings of West and East
they play a game of war and peace…”
Tick tock… tick tock…
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 10th
2017.
The Black Hand In Rome: A Poem
The Black Hand In Rome: A Poem
Around her streets, the Black Hand crawls
It stops in to look at the Colosseum walls
Hearing the screams of ancient victims past
The Black Hand thinks it quite the blast
And crawls into the Vatican’s sacred halls
seeking to spread Death’s dark palls
The Cardinal called JM welcomed him in
Saying gleefully, let the diabolical spells begin.
-A horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 21st
2016.
The Magician: Then and Now
The Magician: Then and Now
The magician looked into the reflecting pool of water.
He spoke words that had not been heard on earth in millennia, “Itha tubacca moya illaca lama saranamuth.”
The pool showed an image of an elderly Norwegian man Sigurd in a nursing home.
Sigurd flipped through his art books for the man had been an artist for most of his life.
The magician lowered his right hand into the reflecting bowl of water.
He chanted again in an unknown tongue.
Then he removed his hand out of the water.
In his hand he clutched a human heart and threw it into a bucket of human hearts.
The elderly Norwegian man Sigurd was found dead in his room in the nursing home.
The cause of death would be ruled heart attack.
The bucket of hearts the Magician would lay at the feet of the idol of an ancient deity.
. . .
An identical idol statue of the same deity the pagan worshipping Vatican Cardinal JM was praying to along with his personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.
Most of the time Cardinal JM and his assistant prayed to Ancient Greek gods but occasionally ancient Egyptian.
Tonight they were praying to a deity that was never worshipped by the ancient Egyptians.
Only feared.
The deity was the female demon Ammit known as the Eater of Hearts and the Devourer of the Dead.
She had the head of a crocodile, the upper torso of a lion and the lower torso of a hippopotamus.
“Amen,” Cardinal JM made the sign of an inverted cross.
Father Wardenclyffe managed to contort and twist his own body into a yogic position that made him resemble the figure of the Baphomet.
. . .
The beautiful and sexy dark eyed raven haired gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia was in her psychic reading shop on London’s Carnaby Street gazing into her crystal ball.
But the image she saw in her crystal ball was not of the future but of the past.
It was the image of practicing occultic Germanic Thule Society adept Dietrich Eckhart as he lay on his deathbed on the evening of December 26th 1923.
The last words of Eckhart were, “Follow Hitler! He will dance but it is I who have called the tune!”.
In a clock shop somewhere in London, an old clock that had a picture of Sir Winston Churchill on it suddenly stopped ticking.
In a museum in Berlin, a clock that had stopped ticking in April 1945 suddenly sprang to life again.
And somewhere on the globe, a high-flying falcon raised an eerie cry.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 10th
2016.
Zombie Christ Nativity Scene
Zombie Christ Nativity Scene
Cardinal JM was contemplating a lawsuit as he stared at the Nativity scene on his desk.
It was his own personally designed Nativity scene that he had made back in 2012- when he thought the pagan gods of the ancient world would be returning to Earth.
Unfortunately a Russian nuclear submarine with a laser death ray had vapourized and disintegrated the returning space ships of Osiris and Quetzalcoatl with their deity occupants back on December 21st 2012.
Then back on Halloween night last year, the great scientific genius Dr. Cadbury Rocher had managed to reassemble the particles of Osiris and Quetzalcoatl and put them back together again.
Dr. Rocher did this work clandestinely since most of the time Dr. Rocher was employed by Set Enterprises owned by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (and Set probably wouldn’t be too pleased by having his brother, brother-in-law and rival Osiris reassembled yet again).
But getting back to his beloved Nativity scene, Cardinal JM wiped a tear from his eye, he had made back in 2012 a fierce looking Zombie Christ Child with fangs visited by 3 zombie wise men.
And he had just discovered that a couple in Ohio in the U.S. had been displaying a larger sized Nativity scene (with the exact same theme as his) on their property the past couple of Christmasses.
What use was it being a great artist and thinker if other people swiped your ideas?
Cardinal JM wiped another tear from his eye.
He helped himself to some human fingers from his appetizer bowl as he gazed lovingly at the Zombie Christ Child.
He blew his nose into his handkerchief and wiped away a few more tears.
He went over to his prized collection of The Collected Writings of Cardinal Walter Kasper on his mantelpiece.
Pope Francis had said reading Cardinal Kasper was like “doing theology on one’s knees”.
Vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had added, “Yes while vomiting into the toilet.”
Van Helsing and Pope Francis held widely contrasting views on Cardinal Kasper’s theology.
Cardinal JM looked at his watch.
It was time to join his private secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe in prayers to Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft in their private chapel to her.
They would ask Hecate for her witchcraft blessing on the coming Papal Year of Mercy.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 9th
2015.
The Apparition
The Apparition
Stu Nichols was a reporter and news correspondent newly walking the Vatican beat.
He strolled through the Vatican Gardens waiting for the Cardinal he was to interview.
In the distance, he saw what looked to be a priest or monk standing by one of the bushes.
The monk or priest beckoned to him.
Stu approached.
The man had extremely long wild looking hair and a very long flowing beard.
As Stu approached, he noticed the Cross around the monk-priest’s neck was not a Crucifix or even a Latin rite Cross.
It was a Russian Orthodox style Cross.
The man also had the most hypnotic looking eyes he had ever seen.
Stu stopped in his tracks.
For he suddenly recognized the man.
From photos from history books in his student days at Oxford.
Rasputin.
The Mad Monk.
Who helped pave the way for the fall of the Czar through his manipulations and control over the Russian Imperial Family.
The figure suddenly vanished into thin air.
“Good evening, Mr. Nichols,” the voice of Cardinal JM startled the reporter as the Vatican prelate approached from the side, “It looks like you’ve seen a ghost.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 11th
2015.
Cardinal JM and Osiris
Cardinal JM and Osiris
The Vatican Cardinal JM was in a downtown Rome lounge waiting to meet the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris.
His personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe would not be accompanying him as he usually did to such meetings.
Father Wardenclyffe would be attending a performance of a new ballet Swan Lake In The Desert at the U. S. Embassy this night.
The original avante-garde ballet was being performed by the U.S. Marine Corps Barack Obama Performing Arts Division.
“Your Eminence,” The Vampire Osiris dressed in a tuxedo and tie greeted Cardinal JM.
“Your Most Exalted Ancient Egyptian Highness,” Cardinal JM bowed.
“You look well, JM,” Osiris stated.
“You’re looking somewhat green this evening,” the Cardinal observed, “aren’t you feeling well?”.
“I’ve always looked green,” Osiris snapped irritably, “if you ever bothered to look at pictures of my painted image on the walls of Egyptian temples and tombs. It was a condition brought about by eating too many jars of pickles when I was younger.”
“I apologize for my abysmal ignorance, your Highness,” Cardinal JM looked flustered, “ancient Greek religion is my field of study.”
“It wasn’t Catholicism?” Osiris inquired.
“I know very little about Catholicism,” Cardinal JM replied, “which probably explains why I was named a Cardinal. If I had known even less, I would have probably been elected Pope at the Papal Conclave back in 2013.”
“Why did you arrange for us to meet tonight?” Osiris ordered a martini with extra olives from the waiter.
“I have a gift for you,” Cardinal JM put a small box on the table, “this was recently found in the Vatican Archives.”
Osiris opened the box and cried, “My original phallus.”
“Yes,” Cardinal JM nodded and smiled, “the one that your brother Set cut off so brutally in Egypt many millennia ago in a procedure which these days may or may not be covered under modern Obamacare, I’d have to check on that.”
“The one piece of my original 14 dismembered body parts that my sister, wife and lover Isis was never able to find,” Osiris wept.
“It was found back in 1922 by a Jesuit Egyptologist who died after being bitten by an asp on his ass,” the Cardinal explained, “our aging archivist only got around to cataloging it this year.”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 4th
2015.
Cardinal JM’s Synod Paper On Homophobic ET Deities
Cardinal JM’s Synod Paper On Homophobic ET Deities
Cardinal JM a member of the College of Cardinals was in his office in the Vatican working on a paper he was going to present to the Synod of Bishops On Marriage and The Family currently underway in Rome.
Cardinal JM who taught a course on the astronomical theories of Giordano Bruno at one of the pontifical colleges in Rome secretly worshipped the Ancient Greek gods- in particular Zeus and Apollo.
His personal private secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe was a secret worshipper of Hecate the Ancient Greek goddess of witchcraft.
Father Wardenclyffe was out this evening getting a massage at a gay health spa in Rome.
The paper that the Cardinal would present at the synod would argue that Yahweh (the name for God in the Old Testament) wasn’t really the Supreme Creator of the Universe.
He was only an extraterrestrial astronaut and scientist who monkeyed with the DNA of apes to produce Homo sapiens.
The ancient Hebrew peoples mistakenly assumed that this ET scientist Yahweh was the Supreme Creator of the Universe when he wasn’t.
Thus since Yahweh was not the Creator, his outdated and homophobic notions on sexual morality could safely be ignored in today’s church, Cardinal JM argued.
The Cardinal looked over what he had written and smiled.
He put the paper in his desk and went out for a walk in the streets of Rome.
He looked up at the night sky that was dotted with multitudes of stars.
One of those stars seemed to hover directly over the Colosseum and then seemed to fly speedily away.
Cardinal JM lit a marijuana cigarette and inhaled in unClintoneseque fashion.
Hm, was that a UFO? The Cardinal wondered.
He continued to walk down the street and as he did so, he hummed to himself the lyrics of an old Carpenters song from the 1970s, “Calling occupants of interplanetary craft…”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 6th
2015.
The Green Man and Gaia
The Green Man and Gaia
The young man and young woman splashed in the fountain in Rome.
They looked down into the water of the fountain and saw a man with a green face with leaves, branches and vines sprouting from his ears, mouth and nostrils rising up out of the water and grabbing them.
. . .
It was an unknown ancient grotto in the City of Rome.
There was an altar there to the Ancient Greek earth mother goddess Gaia.
Cardinal JM, a member of Rome’s Sacred College of Cardinals who unknown to his brethren worshipped the gods of the Ancient Greek pantheon in secret, bowed to the image of Gaia.
The spirit known as the Green Man dumped on Gaia’s altar the unconscious bodies of the young man and young woman he had grabbed from the fountain.
“Many thanks for your help, spirit,” Cardinal JM threw the Green Man spirit an ancient gold coin bearing the image and superscription of Antiochus IV Epiphanes the Syrian Greek king whose desecration of the Temple in Jerusalem led to the revolt of the Maccabees.
Cardinal JM then tied up the young man and young woman.
He then prayed to Gaia asking forgiveness for the many offenses humanity had committed against her.
He then took a knife and slashed the throats of the young man and woman.
He sprinkled the blood on the altar as an oblation to Gaia.
He then burned the bodies as an act of thanksgiving to Gaia.
Cardinal JM then walked back home to his apartment in the Vatican.
On his way back home, he ran into his personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe who was just leaving a gay nightclub.
“I wasn’t so lucky tonight,” Father Wardenclyffe sighed, “I should have used Grecian Formula For Men. Today’s young gay men don’t seem to be too impressed by fifty shades of gray.”
“I suppose not,” Cardinal JM shrugged, “after all Fifty Shades of Grey is about heterosexual S & M isn’t it?”.
A meteor flew across the night sky over Rome.
Both men lost in their own personal thoughts did not pay attention.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 13th
2015.
