Krampus: The Evil Sidekick of Saint Nicolas

December 7, 2014 at 12:47 am (Folklore, History, Horror, Poetry, Religion, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , )

Krampus: The Evil Sidekick of Saint Nicolas

Rod Serling (host of the Twilight Zone):

Gather around kiddies on this night of Saint Nicolas Day
try to avoid the evil fairies or as they say in Wales, the wicked fay
there is a place beyond time and space
that is known to all the human race
a realm of the imagination
you can reach with contemplation
where dawn and dusk meet
and light and dark greet
a place just beyond reach
like the tree with forbidden peach
a place where one’s home ET cannot phone
for this is the realm of the Twilight Zone.

In the land of the Dutch
of which we’ve heard so much
is the figure of Sinterklauss
jovial bloke like your dog with paws
and his wicked sidekick is Black Pete
a guy whose appearance is not neat
he might put you in a sack
and carry you on his back
to a place in far-off Spain
where on the plain it does so rain
or he might drop in your stocking a lump of coal
or place in your favourite sock a gaping hole.

But in the lands of Germanic alpine
over which the Hapsburgs ruled so fine
that kindly Eastern rite bishop Saint Nick
had a much darker sidekick
his name was Krampus
born from Hell’s dark arts campus
A beast-like creature
and that was his best feature
He was a demon
from dark cauldrons steamin’
The Horned God of the Witches
those nocturnal hag bitches.

In appearance he is hairy
unlike a beautiful fairy
He has the horns and cloven hooves of a goat
and a long lolling tongue that can reach down your throat
so if you want to be French kissed by frog prince turned horned toad
just ask to encounter Krampus as you walk down a dark road.

He carries ruten- bundles of birch
and avoiding the Cross on the Church
he uses these to swat bad children with
those on the dark side like the Sith
Krampus carries a washtub and sack on his back
to drown bad children and carry them to Hell’s torturous rack.

Sometimes Krampus appears with one human foot and one cloven hoof
so at medical check-ups he sends the doc through the roof.

But now to tonight’s tale
that shall make your hearts fail
it was on the late night of December 5th
a night much darker than the Sith
and the early morn of December 6
that heralds the start of the day that’s Saint Nick’s
in the year of Our Lord 1944
although to the Fuhrer Jesus was a bore
And Der Fuhrer was asleep in his room in Berlin
his Reich soon to fall like tonight’s bottle of gin
And the Fuhrer dreamed of being a child again in his Austrian birthplace
in the days before he set out to create a Master race
He saw Saint Nicolas approaching and gave him a grin
but the Saint saw Adolf’s future heart blackened by sin
and passed him by without even pinching his chin
Then Krampus approached and saw the boy’s hands steeped in blood
impossible to wash off like the stickiest mud
and Krampus grabbed the lad and threw him in the sack
The boy then awakened on a demon’s dark rack.

The Fuhrer’s cries and screams then literally shook the room
As Germany’s leader saw his future doom.

Some might remember
that 5th of December
in the year of Our Lord 1947
2 years past the time Der Fuhrer failed to make Heaven
for on that night Der Fuhrer’s bunker was destroyed
reminding us to be in Krampus’ hands is a fate to avoid.

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday December 6th 2014
The Night of Saint Nicolas’ Day

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Jack O’ Hare On Mount Kinabalu

September 29, 2011 at 4:53 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare On Mount Kinabalu
A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Wednesday evening September 28th 2011
Inspired by an old Kadazandusun legend
related by Quareztina Sandai

Jack O’ Hare was wondering where his friend went
he did not know Chris was paying apartment rent
so he set off to the big city in search of his pal
oblivious to Swiss CERN reactors raising Hell
they caused a warp in time
and sent Jack crashing into lime
on the top of Mount Kinabalu
and as a cow did moo
there was Prince Wu
practicing Kung Fu.

With a whack the prince hit a dragon on the head
so hard the dragon was very soon dead
and then the prince found a pearl of great price
while Jack ordered some Borneo fried rice.

The prince found a Kadazan woman so pretty
he married her in front of a priest so witty
that Jack laughed so hard his pants he pissed
while the happy couple kissed and kissed.

But Prince Wu already had a girl back home in Beijing
and after his honeymoon night left without packing
the jilted bride
cried and cried
wandering Mount Kinabalu
her tears turned to dew
and she turned to stone
causing Jack to moan.

Jack set out to avenge the girl
and hopped over mountains to whirl
like the wind of rage that he was
he met his Chinese hare coz
and aunts and uncles
sailing small junkles
he reached the Forbidden City
his determination gritty.

He found Prince Wu
near the Imperial Zoo
he found a baker and baked the prince a cake
then he found the prince near a lake
and said, “Have a piece…
your hunger will cease.”

So the Prince ate the cake
which baker did shake and bake
and Jack filled with laxatives
amidst the ancient Plaxadives
(what those were now lost to history)
and like twinkling eye full of mystery
the Prince died of a massive bowel movement
while Jack happy danced the groove-ment
(a groovy dance on the pavement
eating donuts filled with jellymint).

And so ends our sad tale…
now lost like history’s mail
the Kadazan woman avenged
after she turned to Stonehenge
on Mount Kinabalu
where her tears are the dew.

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