Peter Whitstable and The Killer Seaweed

May 14, 2019 at 9:22 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Peter Whitstable had left Passau, Bavaria.

He had no reason to believe that the crossbow murders in the town were the handiwork of the Celtic horned stag god Cernunnos.

He headed down to Marseille, France where he had heard reports of a large bunch of seaweed that had crawled off the bottom of a boat and was now going around eating people.

A human-eating piece of seaweed would definitely fall under his jurisdiction of paranormal and unusual investigations.

As he crossed the border from Germany into France, he got a report on his mobile phone that the satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had just beheaded and bodily dismembered an ugly looking girl and her father.

“Pan Goatee’s aesthetic eugenics at work again,” Whitstable thought to himself.

On the plus side as far as Whitstable was concerned, Pan Goatee had also beheaded and dismembered a notorious German pedophile Helmut Troost who was wanted for sex crimes on six continents.

“The world is well rid of such sewage infested scumbags,” Whitstable thought as he pulled into a petrol station to buy gas.

When he reached Marseille, he pulled into a police station to see what information they had on a human-eating seaweed plant.

Apparently the piece of seaweed was currently seen devouring people throughout the Vieux Port (Old Port) of Marseille.

Whitstable rushed down to the Old Port having borrowed one of the Marseille traffic patrol’s motor scooters.

He arrived to see a group of fishermen being devoured by the seaweed.

“How horrible!” An old trader on the dockside screamed.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” a retired sea captain remarked as he calmly smoked his pipe.

“My vegan girlfriend is always trying to get me to eat seaweed,” a university student on a sightseeing tour of Europe remarked, “I don’t think I’ll do it now. You just never know what the seaweed itself has been eating.”

In the distant waters, a conch seashell horn could be heard being blown.

The seaweed turned in the direction of the conch horn and swam out to sea.

“Will it be back?” A fishmonger asked Whitstable.

“I have no idea,” the Interpol operative replied.

“Just another day in Marseille,” the retired sea captain put some more tobacco in his pipe.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 14th
2019.

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Renfield Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

January 8, 2015 at 7:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked at the huge pile of bodies piling up in front of the Parisienne cafe in which he was sitting.

As they completely blocked his view to the window, he was about to ask for his cheque and leave when suddenly Renfield R. Renfield entered the cafe carrying a machine gun.

“Sorry, I took so long,” Renfield apologized, “but I had to shoot my way through a bunch of Islamist terrorists to get here.”

“Are they the ones whose bodies are piled up out there? Dr. Rocher asked.

“Yes,” Renfield wiped all the blood off his machine gun with his table napkin, “the Paris sanitation workers should be along any minute now to take away the trash unless they’re on strike again because they figure they’re still not getting a long enough coffee break to enjoy their cheese and croissant sandwiches.”

“May I get you something, Monsieur?” The waiter asked Renfield.

“Well, I already banged Julie Gayet for breakfast in my hotel room while I was on the speaker phone with Francois Hollande this morning,” Renfield tied the bloodied napkin around his neck as a bib, “so now I’ll have the toasted tuna fish and cheese sandwich.”

Renfield then discussed old times with Dr. Rocher- like creating gooey green coloured flesh-eating nanobots and then letting them loose in the bedroom of the Prince of Wales the night before he was scheduled to give a speech to a scientific conference on the threat posed to humanity by “gray gooey flesh-eating nanobots”.

“So what have you been up to these days?” Dr. Rocher asked Renfield.

“Well I just wrote a letter to Her Majesty the Queen noting that she forgot to add my name to her roll of knighthoods in her New Year’s Honours list for this year,” Renfield blew his nose into the table cloth because his napkin bib was no longer the proper colour for nose blowing in his opinion, “but I expect that situation to be rectified in the next few weeks.”

The waiter arrived with Renfield’s tuna fish and cheese sandwich.

“Excuse me,” Renfield called out after the waiter, “I asked for my tuna fish sandwich toasted not burnt.”

Renfield pulled out his machine gun and blew the waiter away to kingdom come.

The impact sent the waiter flying through the window out into the street where the Paris sanitation workers had just finished throwing the last of the Islamist terrorists’ bodies into the sanitation truck (which would have been called a garbage truck in America).

“Another one, Henri,” one of the sanitation workers called out to his partner.

“Not now, Andre,” his partner looked at his watch, “coffee break time.”

Both men sat on a street bench and took out their lunch pails which they opened and brought out bottles of cognac and several plates of cheese and croissants which they ate.

Two hours later when Renfield had talked Dr. Cadbury Rocher into returning to work for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set and the pair had then left the cafe, both sanitation workers were still sitting on the street bench eating and drinking while groups of vultures had flown down from the skies and were now feeding on the bodies in the sanitation truck and the waiter’s body still lying on the street.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 8th
2015.

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The 100th Anniversary of Germany Declaring War On France

August 3, 2014 at 5:56 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History) (, , , , , , , , )

The 100th Anniversary of Germany Declaring War On France

It was 100 years ago today that Germany declared war on France.

Belgium also denies permission for Germany to move its forces through Belgian territory to get to the French border.

King Albert of Belgium’s decision causes massive indigestion for Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm II at dinner time.

Kaiser Bill vows to make waffles of Belgians for breakfast the next day.

-A brief historical commentary
written by
Prof. Christopher Van Helsing
Sunday August 2nd 2014.

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Renfield Meets Isis In Paris

May 17, 2014 at 6:20 pm (Espionage, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Isis In Paris

Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in an exclusive Parisienne sidewalk cafe restaurant and drinking cafe au lait while reading about the upcoming Florence Italy wedding nuptials of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

“I wonder if they’ll invite me to the wedding,” Renfield mused aloud as he added more sugar to his cafe au lait.

“You know Kim Kardashian or Kanye West?” The French waiter asked Renfield.

“She and her sisters once gave me a blow job underneath a table in a McDonald’s in Manhattan,” Renfield replied as he sprayed some whipping cream on top of his cafe au lait.

The waiter left.

Renfield was to meet the Egyptian Vampiress Isis in this restaurant to discuss a business proposition.

Renfield who worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set didn’t know whether he should be meeting his Boss’ archenemy (who was also his boss’ sister and sister-in-law) but when Isis offered to take him to an exclusive Parisienne restaurant where they clandestinely served mermaid sandwiches made from mermaids caught from the River Seine, Renfield immediately accepted.

The only thing Renfield loved more than a tuna fish sandwich was a mermaid sandwich made from freshly caught mermaids and he had read in the Mermaid Connoisseur’s Digest that the Mermaids from the River Seine were an exceptionally exquisite delicacy.

He had never tried them before.

He had tried Japanese mermaid sushi in Tokyo and Irish mermaid cooked in Guinness in the town of Galway in Ireland but he had never tried French mermaid (fresh from the River Seine) cooked in a delicate red Burgundy wine and covered with a finely laced mushroom gravy.

Renfield decided not to bring his co-worker Amadeus Emanon with him on this particular business trip as Amadeus would always become visibly upset and start crying whenever Renfield ate a mermaid sandwich.

He would always start sobbing, “Ariel. Poor little Ariel.”

In his opinion, Amadeus had seen the Walt Disney animated film The Little Mermaid once too many times.

“I’m here,” the Vampiress Isis announced as she sat down in a beautiful beige evening dress.

She’s quite a looker, Renfield had to admit to himself.

In fact it took every ounce of his will power to stop himself from masturbating on the spot.

“So,” Isis explained the matter of the UFO that had crashed a few nights ago near Mesa, Arizona and how a U.S. Border Patrol officer had been disintegrated by a laser death ray fired from an ET gray’s gun, “I want you to steal this ET gray’s laser death ray gun and give it to me.”

“For what purpose?” Renfield asked as he bit into his hot steaming red Burgundy and mushroom gravy covered mermaid sandwich.

“That I can’t reveal,” Isis answered as she raised one side of her dress revealing a shapely black silk nylon covered leg.

Renfield used his napkin to cover his erection.

“Well,” said Renfield, “I need you to swear by Atum-Ra that you won’t use this laser death ray against my boss Set or any friend, acquaintance or employee of my boss Set.”

Isis raised her right hand and said, “By Atum-Ra, I do so swear.”

Renfield accepted this for no ancient Egyptian vampire or Vampiress worth his or her salt would swear an oath to Atum-Ra in vain.

“Why me?” Renfield asked.

“Because while I hate to admit this with you being an employee of my enemy Set and all,” she leaned forward showing her amply endowed breasts, “but in my opinion you’re the best thief in the world.”

Renfield had to admit that he was.

In fact Renfield had to admit that he often thought that the dashing and debonair Sir Sean Connery should play him in a film about one of his numerous master thief exploits.

Isis agreed.

They cemented the deal with an act of tantric sex on the dining room table.

In another corner of the restaurant, French President Francois Hollande stared in fixed fascination.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 17th
2014.

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Peter Whitstable On Cinqo de Mayo

May 5, 2014 at 7:17 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Peter Whitstable On Cinco de Mayo

Peter Whitstable the man known as the Fox Mulder of Interpol stood in the streets of Mexico City.

He was observing Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

He was also here to protect the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec from assassination.

Qonzilqointec’s rival the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was going all out to eliminate her rival.

And she thought she’d do it on this anniversary of the Battle of Puebla where the Mexican Army under the leadership of General Ignacio Saragoza Seguin had defeated the French forces of Emperor Napoleon III back in 1862.

Isis had been a staunch ally and supporter of Napoleon III (as she had been of his uncle Napoleon I) and had hoped to be able to rule the world through him.

But the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec’s support of Benito Juarez against Napoleon III’s Hapsburg puppet the Emperor Maximilian of Mexico had upset Napoleon III’s and Isis’ plan for the Americas.

And later an upstart Prussian Chancellor named Otto von Bismarck upset Napoleon III’s and Isis’ plan for Europe.

Now Isis was going all out to destroy Qonzilqointec because the Aztec vampire princess was an ally of left-wing governments in Latin America such as Cuba and Nicaragua.

And of course Cuba and Nicaragua were allies of Russian President Vladimir Putin whom Isis had vowed to destroy after a Russian nuclear submarine had used a laser death ray to vapourize her husband/brother/lover Osiris’ spaceship when he attempted to return to Earth on December 21st 2012 thus dashing her hopes as well as the hopes of adherents of Hopi and Aztec and Mayan prophecies and numerous fans of the Ancient Aliens and Nostradumus TV programs on The History Channel.

Isis in her grief had conveniently forgotten that the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec’s spiritual godfather the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl had likewise had his returning spaceship vapourized into non-existence by the same laser death ray by the same Russian nuclear submarine on the same date.

Peter Whitstable looked around for signs of the assassin.

He noticed CIA Agent Bob
Belfor wearing dark sunglasses and a t-shirt that said Support The CIA. Buy Latin American Grown Cannabis.

Whitstable had heard that elements of the CIA were in alliance with the ancient Egyptian Vampiress Isis.

He happened to notice Belfor carrying a hawthorn stake- the kind used to kill vampires and vampiresses.

Whitstable put the Amazon jungle blow dart to his lips.

The dart contained not deadly poison but a tranquilizer with the same effects as a knockout pill dropped in a glass of alcohol.

As Belfor approached the dancing red dress wearing Aztec vampire princess who was dancing with a piƱata that looked like Kermit The Frog, Whitstable blew the dart.

Belfor fell to the ground.

The dancing crowd just walked all over him.

Whitstable retreated to a nearby cantina to order himself a well- deserved tequila.

Qonzilqointec lived to dance another day (or night in the case of vampiresses).

And Belfor would wake up with a huge headache.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 5th
2014.

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Renfield Leaves Paris

February 26, 2014 at 7:02 pm (Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Leaves Paris

Renfield R. Renfield had a whirlwind past few days.

Last Saturday, Renfield had received a Presidential pardon from French President Francois Hollande for a crime he had committed.

The crime was cutting off a man’s ear.

The man it turned out was the most unpopular judge on the Parisienne Idol talent show.

Every singer that was first on his list was always last on every other judge’s list.

And every singer in last place on his list was always first on every other judge’s list.

So when Renfield was released from jail last Saturday, he received loud cheers and a hero’s welcome from crowds waiting outside the jail.

He was given free accommodation at the Westin Paris Vendome Hotel.

On Sunday, he was presented with keys to the City by the Mayor of Paris.

On Monday, members of the French National Assembly passed a motion that Renfield be awarded the French Legion of Honour Medal.

On Monday evening, the judge wearing a bandage on one side of his head gave results on the show that this time were about half-way in line with the thinking of the audience and the other judges.

On Tuesday evening, Renfield enjoyed an All Expenses Paid evening at the Paris Opera House.

When he returned to his hotel, a beautiful young woman from Normandy whom he had met once before (under less auspicious circumstances) was standing there dressed in Parisienne lingerie and black silk nylon stockings and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and carrying a Geiger counter.

She offered to sleep with him.

Renfield took her up on her offer.

Today Wednesday February 26th as he boarded the plane to return home to London, he received a military band send-off and a 21 gun salute from the French Army.

Renfield waved and blew kisses to the crowd before boarding the plane.

. . .

As Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the butler and valet to billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set watched this whole spectacle unfold on BBC World News on television, Athelstan remarked to Amadeus, “It would appear sir that Mr. Renfield is the type of individual who could fall down an outhouse and come up smelling like a rose.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 26th
2014.

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Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield

February 21, 2014 at 8:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Receives A Phone Call From Renfield

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in the study of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

The phone rang.

Amadeus picked it up.

It was Renfield calling from a jail in Paris as a French version of the old Elvis Presley song Jailhouse Rock played in the background.

“Amadeus,” said Renfield, “you know how to operate my iMac desktop don’t you?”.

“Yes,” Amadeus went over to Renfield’s desk in the study.

“Turn it on and go over to Photos in my desktop screen, ” Renfield said, “and type in search the keyword PoodleKraut.”

Amadeus did as Renfield requested.

“Okay open up all those photos that are under that heading,” Renfield directed.

Amadeus did so.

He then gasped.

“Okay,” Renfield’s smile seemed to come through his phone voice, “you should now be looking at a bunch of highly compromising and very embarrassing photos of French President Francois Hollande in various unusual positions with German Chancellor Angela Merkel amidst much French champagne and German Wiener Schnitzel on a bed in a mirror ceilinged bedroom.”

“I see them,” Amadeus said as his long-lasting childhood innocence was rapidly coming to a close by gazing at these photos.

“Okay, now I want you to email those photos to French President Francois Hollande’s personal email address,” Renfield gave him the address, “with the written instructions that unless he President Hollande grants an immediate Presidential pardon to one Renfield R. Renfield of the United Kingdom and has him released from jail immediately, those photos will be emailed to every newspaper in France within the next 24 hours. Got all that?”.

“Yes,” said Amadeus.

“Then do it,” Renfield ordered.

Amadeus said he would. He then put down the phone and went to the washroom where he lost his lunch (a direct result of viewing those photos) before proceeding with Renfield’s instructions.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 21st
2014.

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Renfield’s Attempted Post-Valentine’s Day Invasion of Normandy

February 15, 2014 at 8:45 pm (History, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield’s Attempted Post-Valentine’s Day Invasion of Normandy

“Monsieur, Monsieur, are you all right?” the beautiful blonde French woman in the long flowing peasant dress shook Renfield as he lay on the beach.

“Where am I?” Renfield asked as he came to.

“The beaches of Normandy, Monsieur,” the French woman replied.

“Good God,” the Nietzschean inclined atheist shapeshifting hamster/human exclaimed blasphemously from his philosophical viewpoint, “that typhoon must have swept me from the boss’ mansion down to the River Thames and then down the River Thames to the English Channel and then across the English Channel to the beaches of Normandy.”

“I suppose, Monsieur,” the French woman gently caressed his head.

“And so, like the Allied Forces 70 years ago this year, I have landed on the beaches of Normandy,” Renfield got to his feet with some help from the beautiful French woman.

“Yes, Monsieur,” the French woman replied.

“Do you need to be liberated, Mademoiselle?” Renfield asked the French girl.

“Liberated from what, Monsieur?” the French girl asked.

“From your virginity perhaps?” Renfield grinned.

The French girl hit him over the head with her Geiger counter and then continued down the beach.

“Just thought I’d ask,” Renfield called out after her as he once again lay on the sands of the beaches of Normandy.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 15th
2014.

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Winter Olympics Open In Sochi and More Fallout Over Kiev

February 7, 2014 at 8:39 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Winter Olympics Open In Sochi and More Fallout Over Kiev

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were watching the highlights of the Opening Ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi on BBC World News.

“Say,” Amadeus asked between munches of hot buttered popcorn, “isn’t that the Norse vampire Odin and the Norse vampire Thor walking on one side of the stadium and the Norse vampire Loki and the Norse wolf Fenrir walking on the other?”.

Renfield looked up from the book he was reading by early 20th Century Italian Marxist theoretician Antonio Gramsci and glanced at the screen, “Yes, I believe it is.”

The scene then switched to Bosnia-Herzegovina where anti- government protests had turned violent.

“Say isn’t that the Ancient Greek vampire Ares in the crowd eating a Mars bar?” Amadeus asked between sips from a bottle of Coca-Cola whose ingredients were listed in the Spanish language (which no doubt would have offended a U.S. Republican Congressman of the Tea Party variety).

“I believe so,” Renfield looked up from his iPhone where he was checking French President Francois Hollande’s Facebook status that read “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…” although he had written it in French.

As a comment below the status, someone had posted a photo of a cartoon caricature of Francois Hollande looking like an extended nose Pinocchio.

On the darkened streets of Sarajevo at night, the BBC News cameras showed the ghost of an assassinated Austrian Archduke walking around saying, “I am the ghost of Franz Ferdinand doomed these past one hundred years to walk the night…”

BBC World News then showed the streets of Kiev where the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith was walking around hitting Ukrainian policemen on the head with a smart phone shaped spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe while a Ukrainian protestor whistled the theme song from the old 1960s American TV series Get Smart.

“I wonder what Lilith is doing in Kiev?” Amadeus asked as he reached into a bucket of chicken wings

“Maybe looking for a good recipe for Chicken Kiev,” Renfield responded while glancing through a biography of Neville Chamberlain.

The BBC News then showed a video of German Chancellor Angela Merkel looking apoplectic while blasting the United States for a derogatory remark that U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland had made about the EU in a phone conversation with the U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine.

“F— the EU,” the bugged recording of the conversation had Victoria Nuland saying.

As Renfield flipped through the pages of a book called The Role of The Kama Sutra in Geopolitics and International Relations, Amadeus asked him, “Who do you suppose is responsible for bugging that phone conversation between Assistant Secretary of State Nuland and the U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine?”.

Renfield a renowned hacker, wiretapper and eavesdropper in his own right grinned but said nothing.

Outside the window of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s estate, a colossal raven sat in the branches of a giant oak tree and looking in and eavesdropping on Amadeus and Renfield started to crow, “It’s all a Jewish conspiracy. It’s all a Jewish conspiracy.”

The raven raised its right claw on which it had a black swastika decorated armband.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 7th
2014

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