Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane Meet The Brides of Dracula

March 13, 2021 at 10:53 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Gothic romance, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been binge watching episodes of the old TV series Frasier.

He then binge watched a Dracula movie marathon.

When that was over, he set his water proof alarm clock moving the time an hour ahead as tomorrow would be the start of Daylight Savings Time.

He then lay back on his water proof pillow and fell asleep.

He had a dream whereby Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane met the Brides of Dracula.

Niles: This is all your fault, Frasier. I don’t really relish the idea of walking around a spooky Transylvanian castle. It doesn’t really cut the mustard in my opinion. Hot doggetty!

Frasier: Niles, I wish you’d stop using those weird euphemisms uttered by that pot smoking hot dog salesman doing those late night infomercials advertising American cuisine recipes you can do in hot tubs. And why is it my fault? You were the one who insisted on giving two rather large glasses of sherry to my BMW’s GPS before we set out on this road trip.

Niles: Yes, well if you had stopped to ask for directions from that transgendered transvestite in the baked potato costume in Boisie, Idaho, we might not be in this mess.

Frasier: No, we might be in a bigger mess.

Niles: What could possibly be a bigger mess than a spooky Transylvanian castle?

Frasier: How about social distancing from a perfect 10 fashion model during a pandemic?

Niles: Frasier, I refuse to believe you dated a perfect 10 fashion model.

Frasier: So does everybody else.

Niles (pointing to a door): Where do you suppose this leads?

Frasier: Oh, I don’t know, Niles. Why don’t you open it and see how many other headwaiters with Hungarian accents lying in coffins we can come across? I haven’t donated so much blood since that multiple radio station personality blood donor challenge in Seattle way back in the day.

Niles (opening door and looking in): It’s the Brides of Dracula.

Frasier (looking in): My God, you’re right, Niles.

Niles: Frasier, I haven’t had so many erotic images and fantasies going through my mind since I first read that scene with the brides of Dracula in Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula as a sophomore back in prep school.

Frasier: That wouldn’t have been the night before the headmaster ordered that major steamcleaning of your mattress?

Niles: Frasier, I wish you hadn’t brought that up.

Frasier: Your mattress probably wished the same thing at the time as well.

Brides of Dracula (calling out): Niles, Frasier!

Niles (rushing in): I regret that I have but one life to give for my fantasy.

Frasier: Niles, quit being such a ham!

(Frasier rushes in)

Frasier: Be a blood sausage like me.

Voice of Count Dracula (singing in the background): I don’t know what to do with that tossed salad and scrambled eggs. They’re calling again.

Voice of Announcer: Good night, Transylvania.

The End.

-A Frasier Meets Brides of Dracula Episode
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 13th

Permalink 34 Comments

The Final TV Episode of Frasier – My Own Version

June 16, 2015 at 7:13 pm (Comedy, Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Personal essays, Plays, Short play, Short play/ comedy, Television, TV Shows) (, , , )

The Final TV Episode of Frasier- My Own Version

I never watched a single episode of the TV show Frasier when it was first on television back in the 1990s and early 2000s.

I don’t know why.

Possibly it was scheduled on a night when I had other activities.

Then about a year ago, they started showing it on the Comedy Network a cable TV channel I get here in Vancouver.

They fit it into the time slot they had once scheduled for showing Seinfeld.

I used to watch Seinfeld back in the ’90s so I was watching it again on the Comedy Network.

Then on this particular evening, they had suddenly unannounced put Frasier in this time slot.

It was the very first episode of Frasier from way back in 1993.

However once I watched that first episode, I was hooked.

They permanently placed Frasier in that time slot replacing Seinfeld but I didn’t mind.

Once I watched that first episode, I was hooked as I said.

And the episodes of Frasier were then shown in chronological order the way they would have appeared in the run of that particular television show over the course of the 11 years the series ran.

Frasier was the last show I watched before retiring to go to bed in the evening.

So images of the characters were the last things in my mind before I drifted off into the land of dreams.

As a result, I must confess that on a few occasions I dreamed I was on an episode of Frasier interacting with the characters of Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin and Roz.

And I must confess the cast of Frasier became like family to me.

Since my dad died from cancer 5 years ago and after I moved to Vancouver 3 years ago, I’ve made some acquaintances but few close friends.

So the cast of Frasier indeed became like my family.

I remember about last December on the Comedy Network, they were showing this one episode of Frasier where due to a series of misfortunes, Frasier kept missing out on a date with this one woman he found extremely hot (and I must confess so did I).

Finally Frasier thought he had a date lined up with this woman and nothing was going to stop him now.

But alas poor Frasier!

It was his birthday that day and as he went back to his apartment to prepare for that date, he opened the door and the shout went up, “Surprise!”.

There was his father Marty and the rest of the gang throwing him a surprise birthday party.

Boy, was Frasier surprised!

I was surprised as well.

Because then the network cut to a commercial break and for the next 15-20 minutes on the Comedy Network, they showed nothing but f#%^*+!g TV commercials.

I was finally so fed up that I switched to another channel and watched whatever was on that for 5 minutes in the hope that when I switched back, some bozo at the Comedy Network would finally notice that whoever was at the channel’s control switch was on a hallucinogenic drug trip of unbelievable magnitude and still hadn’t returned.

But when I switched back, they were still showing TV commercials.

So 10 minutes on another channel.

Switch back.

Still more commercials.

Where was my vampire novel’s character of Renfield R. Renfield when you really need him?

I imagined Renfield going down to the Network’s headquarters with a sub-machine gun and blowing the whole f#%%*+!g lot of them to kingdom come.

Switch to another channel.

10 minutes.

Switch back.

It was finally back to regular programming.

But not Frasier.

Back to what the Comedy Network considered regular programming.

Some alleged comedian giving a long monologue of endless profanity that today’s generation of uneducated ignoramuses consider humour.

Which is why Frasier is the only program I have ever watched on the Comedy Network (and prior to that Seinfeld).

So I never did find out that night if Frasier got around to having that date with that hot woman.

In fact, the Frasier TV Show was off the Comedy Network schedule for the next 2 weeks as that channel regaled its audiences with programs showing so-called comedians having self-inflicted orgasms on stage as the audiences went off into huge gales of laughter no doubt causing North America’s numerous foreign enemies to wonder whether this really was a continent worth conquering.

During this 2 week time period, I had fantasies about being the dictator of Canada and ordering the deaths of the entire management of the Comedy Network through execution by firing squad in what amounted to one massive blood purge.

In January, they brought Frasier back again but returned to the very first episode of the series again when they did so.

So it would be a while before I found out if Frasier ever did get that date with that hot blonde he wanted to date but it seemed things kept getting in his way (turned out he did eventually get that date and the woman turned out to be a member of a religious cult who tried to recruit Frasier into the group in what turned out to be one long agonizing car ride for Frasier from Seattle to Spokane).

So the next few months things went off without a hitch in that particular TV slot time schedule until the night of the Justin Bieber Celebrity Roast which totally threw out that evening’s programming.

Instead of Frasier when I turned on the TV at the appointed time, it was some profanity spouting alleged comic having a self-inflicted orgasm on stage as the audience followed suit.

I never hated Justin Bieber as much in my life as I did that night.

The next day I wrote a short story about a Justin Bieber Roast in which Justin Bieber was roasted alive and then eaten by well-known psychiatrist and unique culinary specialist Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

I posted that short story to my blog.

I think I spared my readers the gory details of Dr. Lecter being rushed to hospital afterwards to be treated for the resulting severe botulism and food poisoning.

Anyways I remember just before the final episode of Seinfeld aired back in 1998, I wrote my own personal final episode of Seinfeld as a tribute to the series.

And when the actual final episode of Seinfeld did air, I have to say that I thought my own final episode was way better.

I thought the final episode of Seinfeld that aired on television was a real turkey.

Alas, for history, my own final episode of Seinfeld that I had written on this old word processor which I didn’t really know how to use- became lost to history- when I was editing the script and I ended up pushing a button that deleted the whole work.

I have to say I was really impressed with the final episode of Frasier (that originally aired on television back on May 13th 2004) and aired this past late night Thursday and early morning Friday of June 4th/5th on the Comedy Network here in Vancouver.

In my opinion, the final episode of Frasier was a masterpiece.

Probably the best final episode of a TV series that I have ever seen.

I loved the quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s Ulysses towards the end of the show,

It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

-Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1833.

So as my own personal tribute to this great television series, I have written my own personal final episode or as it would probably be more appropriately called my own personal epilogue- as the series ran for 11 years (from 1993-2004), so in this episode I have set the scene 11 years later (in this current year of 2015).

And now our story begins:

(The show begins with FRASIER in block letters underneath the city skyline of Seattle the way the show always began in the years it ran on television)

(Suddenly the dirigible Hindenburg appears just above the pointed top of the Seattle Space Needle and edges downward causing the airship to puncture and to burst into flames)

(The white block letters OF BANANAS AND SLIPPERY SLOPES then appear against a black background)

(Frasier is sitting at a picnic table in a park in Seattle talking to an elderly gentleman – a total stranger that Frasier has just met and has been having a long conversation with)

Elderly Gentleman: So you left Seattle 11 years ago with hope in your heart and the words of Tennyson’s Ulysses going through your mind. And you landed at Chicago Airport sitting next to a beautiful woman psychiatrist on the plane who you asked to wish you luck as you set out to find Charlotte in Chicago.

Frasier: Yes, I guess that story has reached that point.

Elderly Gentleman: So you strove and sought. And did you find Charlotte?

Frasier: Yes, I found Charlotte’s apartment and I knocked on her door. And as I stood there, I thought to myself, “Oh, Charlotte. Never did a web seem so sweet.”

(Frasier looks at the elderly gentleman expecting some sort of response but doesn’t receive any)

Elderly Gentleman: I don’t get it.

Frasier (looking disappointed): You’re obviously not familiar with that particular children’s book.

Elderly Gentleman: So, what happened next?

Frasier: So I stood at the door and Charlotte opened it. Needless to say, she was surprised to see me as she stood there with a blanket around her. But of course not as half as surprised as I was when I saw what turned out to be a naked Mexican ventriloquist and his dummy standing there just behind her.

Elderly Gentleman: Great heavens.

Frasier: Yes, ever since that expression ménage a trois has just seemed so… so wooden for me.

Elderly Gentleman: So I take it you eventually took the job in San Francisco?

Frasier: I did. I had an extremely successful radio and television career in San Francisco until 2013 when my agent Bebe died after getting run over by the San Francisco Archdiocesan Exorcist in a car- pedestrian mishap.

Elderly Gentleman: What about your personal life?

Frasier (smiling broadly): Well it was great being one of the few straight men in San Francisco… in addition to being able to land jobs for comedy duets on the stage (Frasier chuckles but the elderly gentleman doesn’t), I had hundreds of women, thousands of women over the years but alas nothing permanent.

Elderly Gentleman: And how did that make you feel?

Frasier (looking sad): Lonely. VERY lonely. Empty inside.

(Elderly Gentleman takes his glasses off and wipes his eyes)

Frasier (looking concerned): Good Lord, I hope I haven’t made you cry.

Elderly Gentleman (shaking his head): Of course not. Some pollen just blew in my eyes.

Frasier: Oh, I’m relieved to hear that.
Well I mean I’m sorry you got pollen in your eyes… after all.. who wouldn’t be. But I’m glad I haven’t made you cry.

Elderly Gentleman: So, whatever became of your ex-wife?

Frasier: Lilith currently works down in Guantanamo Bay doing interrogations on behalf of the CIA.

Elderly Gentleman: And your son?

Frasier: Frederick? He’s the Chief Psychiatrist at the new Institute For Seemingly Hopeless Cases in Zurich, Switzerland. Ironically enough, his most difficult patient is one of my ex-sisters-in-law Maris.

Elderly Gentleman: So you say your career hit the skids after your agent died?

Frasier: Yes, my radio show was replaced in 2014 by a program where Twitter tweets were read aloud on the air.

Elderly Gentleman: And your TV show?

Frasier (holding his head sadly): It was replaced earlier this year by a show featuring a Mexican ventriloquist and his act.

Elderly Gentleman: Would that be?…

Frasier: Yes, it was the same Mexican ventriloquist and his dummy that I encountered in Chicago 11 years earlier.

Elderly Gentleman: Do your father and brother know you’ve arrived back in Seattle?

Frasier: Not yet. I intend this visit to be a surprise.

Elderly Gentleman (standing up): Well, good luck with whatever life brings you next.

Frasier: Thank you very much.

(Elderly gentleman walks away)

(Frasier gets up from the picnic bench and walks down a path)

Frasier (looking around and says to himself) : You know I have the feeling that this is the same park where I learned how not to ride a bicycle years ago.

(Frasier walks past a park bench where a little girl is sitting there crying)

Frasier (to little girl): Excuse me, little girl, but why are you crying?

Little Girl (sobbing): Because I have to walk home now.

Frasier: And why should that be a problem?

Little Girl (pointing): Because home is that way. And there’s a banana peel along that path. And from that TV show I watched last night, I gather whenever you walk along a path with a banana peel, you always end up slipping on that banana peel and falling.

Frasier: But you can walk around the banana peel.

Little Girl: But whenever the guy tried walking around the banana peel, he always ended up slipping anyways.

Frasier: Oh little girl, that’s just Benny Hill. That isn’t reality.

Little Girl: But I’m still scared.

Frasier: I tell you what. I’ll go walk along that path. I’ll step right on the banana peel and when you see that I don’t slip or fall, you’ll know that it’s perfectly safe to walk along that path.

Little Girl (looking somewhat happy): Okay.

(Frasier walks along the path. Soon his foot is only half an inch away from the banana peel. Frasier looks back at the little girl and smiles and waves)

(He steps on the banana peel. A look of sheer horror suddenly appears on Frasier’s face as he realizes he is slipping and falling)

(Frasier goes down)

(The white block letters MARX BROS. OPERA NIGHT- A DAY AT THE HOSPITAL then appear against a black background)

Roz (rushing into the hospital room): Frasier, I just can’t believe this. I was in the middle of an important board meeting at KACL when Niles phoned to tell me that you were in the hospital.
Although I have to say of all the people in all the world who might end up in hospital after slipping on a banana peel, you would be the first person to come to mind.

Frasier (lying in his hospital bed and looking surprised): Roz, I have to say that I’m somewhat shocked.

Roz: What? That you’d end up in hospital by slipping on a banana peel?

Frasier: No, that you’d actually be able to paraphrase a great line from that great movie Casablanca.

Roz: Well I once spent a night in a Los Angeles hotel room with Robert Osborne the host of Turner Classic Movies. It’s funny what happened…

Frasier: Oh Roz, please spare me the details. I’ll never be able to enjoy an introduction to a film on TCM again if the image of you having conjugal relations with Mr. Robert Osborne keeps going through my mind.

Roz: Well, aren’t you Mr. Grumpy Pants today.

Frasier: Well, you try slipping on a banana peel and see how you like it.

Roz: Well I wouldn’t slip on a banana peel because I’m just not that clumsy or stupid.

Frasier: Harrumph!

Niles (entering the hospital room): Frasier! What were you doing arriving in Seattle unannounced? And what were you doing slipping on a banana peel?

Frasier (looking somewhat displeased) : Well it was because the apple from the Garden of Eden was unavailable having previously been eaten.

Daphne (entering through hospital door) : Dr. Crane… I mean Frasier… gosh, old habits die hard… all those years you were my employer and I called you Dr. Crane… how are you doing, Frasier? Are you comfortable?

Frasier: I’m doing well, thanks, Daphne. Nice of you to show me sympathy and concern unlike some people I know. (glares at Niles and Roz)

(Roz folds her arms and starts stamping her feet)

Frasier (looking around): Where’s Dad? Does he know what’s happened?

Niles: Oh, he had to drive Ronee to the airport. She had previously arranged to go visit her mother in Spokane today. But she sends her best wishes for a speedy recovery. And she also says she’ll send flowers since you probably (ahem!) don’t want a fruit basket. (laughs)

Frasier (looking sour): Oh, very funny, Niles.

Niles: But Dad says he’ll be here shortly.

Frasier: So how’s your boy doing, Niles?

(Daphne coughs and lowers her head)

Niles: I’m afraid that’s currently a sore spot for Daphne and myself at the moment. You see David is in jail.

Frasier: What? My nephew in jail?

Daphne: Yes, I’m afraid David takes after the Moon side of the family after all- emulating his uncles Simon and Stephen.

Niles (clearing his throat): Although in defense of the influence of my own DNA, it was a simple accident. David was in the Prep School lab when he accidentally added nitroglycerin instead of formaldehyde to a test tube. You’ll recall I almost made the same mistake in our prep school lab myself, Frasier, if you hadn’t stopped me.

Frasier: Oh yes, I remember that very well, Niles.

Niles (glaring at Daphne): Of course since David did not have a brother to stop him…

Daphne (glaring back at Niles): Are you saying that’s my fault? Who was the one who insisted on camping with their family jewels right next to the Fukushima nuclear power plant when we visited Japan back in 2006?

Niles (looking defensive): I’ll have you know that was the very warmest spot on the beach on what was a very cold night for camping I recall.

Frasier: Niles, what happened with David?

Niles: Well since he didn’t have a brother to stop him with the mistaken dose of nitroglycerin instead of formaldehyde inside the test tube, he ended up blowing up the prep school lab.

Frasier: Good God! I hope he wasn’t seriously hurt.

Niles: No, fortunately after he had just put the test tube over the Bunsen burner, he happened to notice the school bully through the lab window in the process of stealing both his chess set and his bottles of beer from his locker. So he exited the school lab just in time as he chased the school bully. He managed to recover his chess set but alas! his bottles of beer were lost when the bully dropped them after being frightened by the sound of the explosion. I might also add that the school bully’s pants and undergarments had to be thoroughly washed and dry cleaned as another consequence of that explosion.

Frasier (looking shocked): The school bully was stealing both his chess set AND his bottles of beer?

Daphne: Both the Crane and the Moon chromosomes are fighting a major civil war within our David.

Frasier: But surely the school authorities realize that it was an accident. So why did they put him in jail?

Niles: Well, you see when the FBI did search his room in what was expected to be just a routine investigation, they did find love letters he had written to Isis in his desk.

Frasier: Good God! You mean to say my nephew was thinking of joining a terrorist group?

Niles: Of course not you ninny. It’s just that the people who run the NSA are too uneducated to realize that Isis was also the name of a goddess in the ancient Egyptian pantheon.

Daphne: Another influence of the Crane chromosomes. Always pining after goddesses.

Frasier: Yes, I know what you mean, Daphne.

(Niles stands there gazing awestruck at Daphne)

Frasier: What about your daughter, Roz? How’s she doing?

Roz (sighing): Well, I’m afraid Alice has been getting into trouble at school.

Frasier (looking concerned): Oh, really?

Roz: Yes, I’m always getting calls from the principal’s office. Alice is always trying to sneak into the boys’ locker room.

Frasier (looking up at the ceiling and smiling): Well, it just goes to show that the fruit never does fall far from the tree does it.

Roz (putting her hands on her hips): What did you mean by that?

Frasier (shaking his head and trying to smile it off): Oh nothing. Just musing on the fact that I didn’t know banana trees grew in Seattle.

(Frasier’s dad Martin comes bursting through the hospital room door)

Martin: Frasier, I can’t believe this has happened to you.

Frasier: I’m all right, Dad. I’m all right.

Martin: All right? You’re not all right. When I wind up in hospital, it’s because I get shot in the hip or have a minor heart attack. When Niles winds up in hospital, it’s because he requires open heart surgery. And when you wind up in the hospital, it’s because you slipped on a BANANA peel? What kind of nut are you?

Frasier (sarcastically): Well thanks for your concern and sympathy, Dad. I really appreciate it.

Martin (apologetically): Oh, I’m sorry, Frase. You all right, son? No serious head trauma as a result of your fall?

Niles (smiling and laughing): No, of course not. Frasier’s head trauma happened years before he ever slipped on that banana peel.

Frasier: Oh, very funny, Niles.

(Suddenly the door opens and a little bark is heard)

Frasier (looking horrified): What is Eddie doing here?

Martin (picking Eddie up): I brought him by to cheer you up.

Frasier: But Dad, I don’t think dogs are allowed in hospitals.

Martin: Oh, come on, Frasier, they allow dogs in hospital all the time these days. They say it helps a patient’s recovery faster.

Niles: That’s true, Frasier. They’ve done studies where occasionally having pets in the same room as patients does statistically increase the rate of recovery.

Frasier: Well, those ARE pets. But in this case here, we’re talking about… (in tones of anguished horror)… EDDIE.

Martin: Oh, come off it, Frasier. You never did like Eddie.

Frasier: Well forgive me for not liking a walking bag of fleas.

(Eddie barks)

Martin (picking up and petting Eddie): It’s all right, Eddie. Mr. Fancy Pants Big Shot Radio and TV Host is just being the same old pain in the patoot he’s always been throughout his life.

Frasier (looking at Eddie): You know I find it hard to believe that Eddie is still alive.

Martin (smiling): I know. Isn’t it amazing? Eddie recently got a certificate from the Guinness Book of World Records saying that he’s the oldest living dog in the world. Didn’t you, boy? (strokes Eddie’s ears and Eddie barks)

Frasier: I don’t imagine Guinness has a category for who kept the most cans of Ballantine beer in the refrigerator of my Seattle apartment when I lived here, do they?

Niles (laughing): Good one, Frasier.

Martin (smiling broadly): Say, have you guys heard that expression You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

Frasier (staring in exasperation up at the ceiling): No, Dad, I’m afraid that’s one expression we’re totally unfamiliar with.

Martin (glaring at Frasier): Anyhow I recently proved the coiners of that saying wrong. I recently taught Eddie a new trick. (smiles) Wanna see?

Frasier (still staring at the ceiling): Would it make any difference if we said No?

Martin: No.

Frasier (throwing his hands in the air): Well, there you go.

Martin (looking at the window): I’m glad to see this window is already open. (looks at Eddie) Eddie, you know what to do. Go jump out the window.

(Eddie jumps out the window)

Frasier (horror stricken): But Dad, this hospital room is on the 6th floor.

Martin (rushing over to the window and looking out): Oh my God! Eddie.

Niles (walks over to the window, looks out and remarks calmly): Well, he isn’t the oldest living dog in the world anymore.

Martin: Oh, my God! Eddie! (opens the hospital room door and runs out into the hall and runs down the hall to the elevators)

(He pushes the elevator button and looks up at the elevator lights. He then looks at his watch. Pushes the elevator button again. Then again looks at his watch)

Martin: Oh, this elevator is taking too long.

(He opens the door to the stairway and rushes down the stairs only to run into an orderly carrying a tray of knives up the stairs)

Martin (as he rushes chest first into the tray of knives): Oh, jeez.

(Martin falls backward on to the stairs)

(The white block letters MAY THE ROZ BE WITH YOU then appear against a black background)

Frasier (looking at Roz): Roz?

Roz (going over to his bed): Yes, Frasier.

Frasier: Will you go see what’s keeping Dad so long?

Niles: He’s probably still trying to pick up the last remaining piece of Eddie off the street.

Frasier: Still I’m worried about him. Check on him for me, will you, Roz?

Roz (patting his hand): Of course, Frasier.

(Roz goes out into the hall and walks down the hall a fair distance)

Roz (stopping a nurse): Excuse me but have you seen an elderly gentleman wearing a red plaid shirt and green corduroy pants?

Nurse: Well, there’s a gentleman matching that description who ran down the stairwell straight into a tray of knives being carried by an orderly up the stairs.

Roz: Oh my God! Is he all right?

Nurse: He’s dead.

Roz: Dead? Oh, my God.

Nurse: But if it’s any consolation, the orderly has been fired for doing that. He’s supposed to use the elevator for carrying trays of knives not the stairwell.

Roz (running down the hall): I must go tell Niles and Frasier that their father is dead.

(A sudden commotion occurs in the hallway as a stretcher is brought in and paramedics shout, “Emergency! We have an emergency here! Emergency case coming through!”)

Roz (looking at the man on the stretcher): Oh, my God!

(She rushes up to the Nurses’ Station desk)

Roz (to nurse at desk): Excuse me, but was that Harrison Ford who was just wheeled in on that stretcher?

Man (with German accent standing next to Roz at the desk): It was. I blame myself. I should have warned him that it was too soon for him to return to flying solo again.

Man (standing next to him and patting his shoulder): Now don’t blame yourself, Hans. I blame the name of that character Solo he played in those early Star Wars films. Harrison always did feel he should try living up to that name when flying.

Third Man (who looks a lot like a young Orson Welles standing at the Nurses’ desk): You know it’s really quite a remarkable coincidence that when he crashed, he crashed into yet another golf course.

Fourth Man At Nurses’ Desk: Yes, the whole golfing world is going to mourn the loss of Arnold Palmer. What a record breaking day for him. Oldest man to hit a hole in one on that course. Only man on that course to lose his head to an airplane propeller.

Roz (opening the door to the Emergency ward) : Oh, Harrison, I’ve had a crush on you ever since I first saw you kick Chewbacca in the butt in that very first Star Wars film back in 1977.

(She jumps on top of his stretcher)

(A loud scream is heard echoing down the hall)

(The white block letters AND THEN THERE WERE THREE then appear against a black background)

(Meanwhile back in Frasier’s hospital room, Frasier is staring at the ceiling, Niles is calmly filing his fingernails with his nail file and Daphne is removing a couple of oranges from her handbag)

Daphne: Would you like an orange, Frasier?

Frasier (sighing): No thanks, Daphne.
I’ve had quite my fill of fruits lately.

Niles (laughing): Well considering you’ve spent the past 11 years living in San Francisco, I’m really going to have to bite my tongue to refrain from making a remark that would probably be considered highly politically incorrect.

Frasier: Oh, and this from the man who stands there filing his nails.

(Niles pauses, looks down and then puts his nail file back in his vest pocket)

Daphne (looking at Niles): What about you, Niles? Would you like an orange?

Niles: No thanks, Daphne. I always find that the juice from the orange manages to get under my cuticles somehow. Damn pain to get it out.

Daphne: Oh, all right. (puts one of the oranges back into her hand bag. Unpeels the other orange for herself)

Frasier (sighing): Oh, first Dad went missing. And now Roz has gone missing. Would you go find them for me, Niles?

Niles (glaring at Frasier): What am I? Your errand boy, Frasier?!

Frasier: Oh, come on, Niles. I’m just asking you to do me a favour. As you can see, I’m currently indisposed. (points down at the hospital bed sheets covering him)

Niles: What? You slip on one banana peel and you think this entitles you to be Emperor of the World?

Daphne (eating her orange): Actually, I think most banana nations are banana republics, aren’t they?

(Frasier and Niles both look at Daphne with expressions of astonishment on their faces)

Niles (his fingers towards his lips): Right, I’ll just go locate Dad and Roz for you, Frasier.

(Niles heads out into the hall, walks down the hall and stops one of the nurses)

Niles: Excuse me but have you seen an elderly gentleman in a red plaid shirt and green corduroy pants?

Nurse: Funny, there was a woman wearing a white blouse and gray skirt who was inquiring after him earlier.

Niles (excited): Oh, that would be Roz. Do you know where she went?

Nurse: No idea where she went. But as for the gentleman you described, they’re currently removing his body from the stairwell.

Niles (shocked): Removing his body from the stairwell?

(Niles runs towards the stairwell and opens the door)

Niles (standing at the stairwell door): My God!

Nurse (in stairwell): Do you know this gentleman?

Niles: Yes, that’s my father Martin Crane.

Nurse (to orderly) : All right, write the name Martin Crane on the tag, tie the tag around the big toe of the right foot and take the body down to the morgue. And use the elevator this time.

(Orderlies carry the stretcher with Martin’s body on it through the stairwell door)

Niles: May I look at the body one last time?

Nurse: Of course, sir.

Niles (lifts the blanket and looks down) : My gosh, so many stab wounds.

Nurse: He ran straight into a tray of knives carried by one of our orderlies up the stairs. (she glares at one of the orderlies carrying the stretcher)

(One of the orderlies carrying the stretcher holds his head down in shame)

Nurse (to shamed head down orderly): And after you drop the body off at the morgue, remember to stop off at the Personnel and Human Resources Office to pick up your Unemployment Insurance claim form on your way out.

(Orderlies carry the stretcher down the hall and wait outside the doors to the elevators)

Niles (gazing in the direction of the stretcher): This was the noblest Crane of them all.

(One of the elevator doors open and the stretcher is carried into the elevator)

(Niles watches the elevator door close)

Niles: Well I suppose I better go tell Frasier and Daphne that Dad is dead.

(As Niles walks past the Nurses’ station in the hall, he notices a newspaper on top of the station desk. He stops to glance at it)

Niles: Hm. American Pharoah Wins Race.

(Niles continues to walk down the hall. He stops, turns around and runs back to look at the headline)

Niles (gazing in shock at the headline): Good God! They’ve spelled Pharaoh wrong. It’s only “o” before “a” unless it’s ancient Egyptian, you nimrods.

(Niles shakes his head in disgust)

Niles (then looking around looking confused): Now, what was I doing? Oh yes. Dashing off to tell Frasier and Daphne that Dad is dead.

(As Niles runs down the hall, he’s stopped by one of the nurses)

Nurse: Excuse me, sir, but seeing as how you knew the identity of the dead man in the stairwell, we’re wondering if you also know the identity of the dead woman in the emergency room lying on top of Harrison Ford in a stretcher.

Niles: Well, is she wearing a white blouse and a gray skirt?

Nurse (opening the emergency room door): She is, sir.

Niles (rushing to look through the open door): Roz!

Nurse: So you do know her, sir?

Niles: Yes, that’s Roz Doyle.

Nurse (to orderly in emergency room): All right, write the name Roz Doyle on the tag, tie the tag around the big toe of the right foot and place the body on another stretcher and take it down to the morgue.

(Niles goes in for a closer look and then stumbles back in shock)

Niles (to nurse) : How did she die?

Nurse: She died of a heart attack trying to make love to Harrison Ford.

Niles (musing philosophically): Well, I suppose her family and friends will have the consolation of knowing that she died while doing something that she loved.

(Roz is carried by the orderlies on to another stretcher)

Niles (exiting the emergency room in a state of shock) : I can’t believe this. Roz is dead. First, Eddie. Then Dad. And now Roz. What is going on here? Some macabre game of Death Musical Chairs?

(The white block letters BEARER OF SAD TIDINGS then appears against a black background)

(Niles enters through the door of Frasier’s hospital room)

Frasier (angrily): Niles, what’s been keeping you? I was thinking of sending Daphne to look for you but then I thought she too might disappear in this Bermuda Triangle that this hospital has become.

Niles (going over to Frasier): Frasier, I’m afraid I have some sad news. Dad is dead.

Frasier (sitting up in shock) : What? Dad dead?

Niles: Yes, he was apparently rushing down the stairwell- no doubt to check on the condition of the severely disembodied Eddie- when he ran chest first into a tray of knives carried up the stairs by an orderly.

Frasier: Good God!

Daphne (her hand on her mouth): Oh, Niles.

Niles: Yes! So many stab wounds! (shakes his head) Never in my life have I seen a body with so many stab wounds.

Daphne: Well, how many bodies have you seen in your life with stab wounds?

Niles (contemplating the question): None previously now that you’ve mentioned it.

Frasier (in shock and gazing up at the ceiling): So many stab wounds you say?

Niles: Yes, it’s rather ironic that Dad who so detested the works of Shakespeare would end up going out of this life like Julius Caesar.

Frasier (his fingers on his lips in a state of contemplation) : Yes, that is rather ironic isn’t it?

Daphne (angrily with her hands on her hips) : I can’t believe you two. Here your father is dead and you both sit around discussing irony.

Niles: Well technically I’m standing and Frasier is lying down.

Daphne: Niles!

Frasier: Daphne is right, Niles. Daphne would you mind handing me a Kleenex so I can start bawling?

Niles (going over to Frasier’s bedside): Frasier, I’m afraid that’s not the end of my sad news.

Frasier (taking the Kleenex from Daphne): It isn’t?

Niles: No, I’m afraid Roz is dead as well.

Frasier: Good God! Roz dead too?

Daphne (her hand over her mouth in shock again): Oh no, Niles.

Frasier (in shock and struggling to find the words): How did… how did… how did Roz die?

Niles: Well apparently Harrison Ford got wheeled into the emergency room here on a stretcher- his solo plane flight over Seattle having turned out to be as disastrous as his most recent one over Southern California- although even more so- this time he managed to kill golf legend Arnold Palmer while landing on a golf course.
Anyhow when Harrison Ford got into the emergency room, Roz mounted his stretcher and then mounted him.

Frasier (looking up at the ceiling in shock): Good Lord.

Niles: Yes, she died of a heart attack while trying to make love to Harrison Ford. I was asked by the nurses to identify the body. Although I do have to say that she had the happiest smile on her face that I’ve ever seen on a dead body.

Frasier (raising his head from the pillow) : And Harrison Ford?

Niles: He had a look of sheer horror on his face when he died.

(The white block letters KEEP THOSE HOME FIRES BURNING FOR ME then appear against a black background)

(Frasier is lying in bed looking up at the ceiling, Daphne is dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief and Niles has his right shoe and right sock off and has his right foot up on a chair next to Frasier’s bed and is clipping his toe nails)

Frasier ( turning his head on his pillow in Niles’ direction and looking at him) : Niles, what do you think you’re doing?

Niles (happily clipping away): Well, just on the off chance something happens to me in the next 24 hours, I want them to be able to fit my morgue name tag on my big toe without any trouble. My toe nails have grown rather long you know.

Frasier: Niles, stop doing that! And put your sock and shoe back on!

Niles: Oh all right, Frasier. But if I end up being buried in an unmarked grave as a result of a failure to identify me, then as San Pedro will say to San Andreas when the big earthquake hits California, “It’s all your fault!”.

(Niles sits on the chair to put his sock and shoe back on and as he does so, he knocks over the oxygen tank next to Frasier’s bed)

Frasier (sitting up) : Now what are you doing, Niles?

Niles (looking around) : Sorry, Frasier, I seem to have knocked the oxygen tank over. Gee, there’s a lot of oxygen in that tank. How much oxygen do banana splits victims require anyways?

Frasier: I have no idea, Niles. Put it back up.

Niles: Right. Great heavens. I seem to have kicked the plug out of the wall as well.

Frasier: Well, plug it back in.

Niles: Will do. Now, I wonder which hole this plug goes back into?

Frasier: I have no idea, Niles. Just pick one. It shouldn’t be all that difficult!

Niles: Right. I’ll choose this one. There you go.

(Niles puts the plug in)

(A momentary silence in the room)

Niles: Um… Frasier?

Frasier: Yes, Niles.

Niles: I seem to have started a small electrical fire which appears to be growing bigger with each passing second.

Daphne (horrified): Oh Niles! If the fire gets to that oxygen tank, the whole room could explode.

Niles (heading towards the door): Right. We better leave.

Frasier: I can’t walk on my own, you nitwit.

Niles (rushing over to Frasier’s bedside): Sorry, Frasier. Let me help you up. (Niles helps lift Frasier up out of the bed and helps him to his feet).

Frasier: Thank you, Niles. (puts his arm around Niles’ shoulder)

Niles (holding Frasier up and helping him walk towards the door): That’s right, Frasier. Lean on me when you’re not strong. I’ll be the one you can lean on.

Daphne (looking around the room) : Does anyone see what I’ve done with that orange peel?

(Frasier suddenly lets out a scream as he slips and falls to the floor knocking himself unconscious)

Niles (looking back at Daphne): I think Frasier just found it.

(The white block letters LESSON IN HOW NOT TO DECORATE A HOSPITAL ROOM then appear against a black background)

(Daphne is sitting in a hospital room alongside an unconscious Dr. Frasier Crane. The room’s decor is plain hideous to put it mildly so it’s probably a blessing for Dr. Crane that he is currently in a coma)

Niles (entering through the door and then stopping in sheer horror in the middle of the room as he gazes around) : My God, do you see this room’s decor? Have hospitals started hiring blind interior decorators in an effort to save money in a financially strapped health care system?

Daphne (looking around and wincing as she does so): I know, it is God awful, isn’t it?

Niles: It makes me very much regret starting a fire that engulfed and totally destroyed the ward on the other side of this floor.

Daphne: At least we managed to drag the unconscious Frasier out of the room and down the hall to safety.

Niles: Yes, I think I very much got my cardiovascular workout for this week by doing that.

Daphne: Have you contacted the rest of Frasier’s family to let them know what happened to Frasier and Martin?

Niles (nodding): Yes, Lilith says she’s flying in on a U.S. Army plane up from Guantanamo as presumably her broomstick is undergoing repairs in Havana. As for Frederick, he’s currently on a train to Paris where he’ll catch a plane flying direct from Paris to Seattle.

Daphne: That’s good.

Niles: Did the nurses say how Frasier is doing?

Daphne: Well, he’s been in a coma for a full 24 hours now apparently ever since he knocked himself out after slipping on that orange peel.

Niles (sighing) : Poor Frasier. He first slips on a banana peel. And then an orange peel. It’s a good thing he never kept a fruit bowl on the table all those years he had an apartment here in Seattle. Otherwise he might have departed this world years ago.

Daphne: Niles. I think Frasier’s nose is twitching.

Niles (smiling) : He’s probably caught a whiff of your perfume. I must admit it does smell heavenly, darling.

Daphne: But I’m not wearing any perfume today.

Niles (his mouth open in astonishment): You don’t suppose… Oh no! Still I suppose a more ominous signatory fragrance would be the smell of brimstone.

Frasier (moving his head on the pillow): Niles! Daphne!

Niles: I’m here, Frasier.

Daphne: Here, Dr. Crane.

Frasier: Dad! Eddie!

Niles: Um, Dad and Eddie are not here, Frasier.

Frasier: Roz, is that Saint Peter you’re arguing with?

Niles: Frasier, come back! Frasier, I command you to come back!

(Frasier opens his eyes and lifts himself up off the pillow)

Frasier (looking around the room with an expression of sheer horror on his face) : Dear God! I’m in Hell! I’ve died and gone to Hell!

Niles (looking deep into Frasier’s eyes): Now, Frasier, listen to me. You’re not in Hell. You’re in a hospital room in Seattle. Admittedly a very badly decorated hospital room in Seattle. But a hospital room in Seattle nevertheless.

Frasier: Hospital room in Seattle?

Niles (nodding) : Yes, Frasier. A hospital room in Seattle.

Frasier (looking around and sighing) : I see. (gazes once again in horror at the decor) You know… I’m reminded of the last words spoken by Oscar Wilde on his deathbed… “Either that wallpaper goes… or I do!”.

(Frasier falls back on his pillow… with his eyes and mouth wide open… quite dead)

Daphne (grabbing Niles’ hand): Oh Niles, is he… ?

Niles (nodding) : I’m afraid Frasier has gone, Daphne. He’s embarked on a journey towards those distant shores from which no man ever returns.

Daphne: Oh, Niles.

Niles : Yes, to think of all the metaphorical mountains he climbed and of all the metaphorical dragons he has slain, that it would be a literal banana peel that would be the cause of his downfall.

Daphne: Oh Niles, with Martin dead and Frasier now dead, do you know what this means?

Niles (nodding): I do, Daphne. It means we’ll have to find a funeral home in Seattle that’s offering a 2-for-the-price-of-1 funeral special.

(Visual long and wide shot of the hospital in Seattle where all these events have taken place)

Voice of Morgan Freeman as Guest Narrator and Announcer: And so, ladies and gentlemen, our tale comes to an end.
Our hero Dr. Frasier Crane has departed this world in the same manner as those Shakespearian tragedies that Dr. Crane loved so well- an ending where much of the cast has been killed off.
And so we say to you for one last time, Good night sweet prince! and Good night, Seattle.

(The credits are then shown and the Frasier theme song is then sung)

(Some of the lines of the theme song have been changed for this show)

(The lines, “I don’t know what to do about those tossed salads and scrambled eggs” have been changed to “I don’t know what to do about those tossed knives and scrambled Eddie”)

(The line “Scrambled eggs all over my face” has been changed to “Scrambled Eddie all over the place”)

(As the credits are shown, Niles and Daphne are seen going through a funeral home while a seedy looking type who looks like a used car salesman is showing them various caskets next to huge signs that say things like This Week’s Special and Bargain Discount and Ask About Our Five Year Layaway Plan)

(Niles shakes his head and he and Daphne go out the door as the salesman follows waving a piece of paper that has the words PEACE FOR ALL TIME printed in bold at the top)

(The last visual image is of Dr. Frasier Crane’s tombstone that reads

1952 – 2015

A few inches below the name on the tombstone is the carved image of a banana peel.

And below the carved image of the banana peel are these words:

O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!
Then I, and you, and all of us fell down.

-Mark Antony, The Tragedy of Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare, Act III, scene ii, lines 190-191.


(And as this image is shown, these words are spoken, “Frasier has left the building… permanently”)

-A personal essay
television screenplay
written by Christopher
during the period
Saturday June 6th
Thursday June 11th

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