Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

May 22, 2016 at 5:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

Salaman The Magician had had a successful run with his magic show in London.

Audiences were raving about it.

Although on this night, the raving was done by Boris Johnson the former Mayor of London and Euro-sceptic Conservative MP who mistook the magician’s sawing his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the Union Jack as an endorsement of an EU superstate over a sovereign United Kingdom.

To settle things down, Salaman The Magician decided to saw his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the European Union flag instead much to the cheers of the pro-Brexit crowd.

After sawing the woman in half and separating the European Union flag draped box, the audience shouted, “Don’t bother putting her back together.”

So the magician’s assistant had to be put together backstage.

Sitting next to Boris Johnson in the audience was the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.

Lilith had been asked by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to bump off Johnson because the Turkish despot and would be restored Sultan of a revived Ottoman Caliphate was offended by Boris Johnson’s offensive limerick about him that won The Spectator Magazine’s President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition.

The plan was for Nimrod (the builder of the Tower of Babel who was now a frog due to a vampiric kiss magic spell gone awry) to hide down the front of Lilith’s lavender coloured evening dress between her cleavage (where Nimrod often liked to be for some reason) and then jump out at an appropriate moment during the performance to ribbit an Amazon River basin poison plant dart out of his mouth in Johnson’s direction.

Unfortunately for Erdogan’s homicidal plans, Nimrod had accidentally purchased a bottle of Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel instead of Amazon River Basin Poison Plant Liquid Gel by mistake at a London chemist shop earlier in the day.

So when Nimrod jumped out from between Lilith’s cleavage as the stage band played Beethoven’s Ode To Joy as Salaman sawed the European Union draped flag box (with beautiful female assistant inside) in half, the ancient prince turned frog fired Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel into Johnson’s Adam’s Apple.

Instead of immediately keeling over and dying on the spot (which would have occurred had the fast acting Poison Plant Liquid Gel been used), Johnson instead fell to his knees and said, “Is this a leather skirted dominatrix I see before me?”.

As Johnson babbled about pirate ships under attack by bunny rabbits, Lilith and Nimrod hastily exited the theatre.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 21st
2016.

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Lilith Meets Erdogan: Neo-Sultanism Arises

October 13, 2015 at 7:15 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Lilith Meets Erdogan: Neo-Sultanism Arises

Renfield R. Renfield was down at the Set Enterprises lab trying out a new experiment with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Renfield had recently written a movie script about a secret U. S. Army experiment whereby the Pentagon tried to get soldiers to develop their psychic powers by looking at pictures of Playboy bunnies (Renfield intended his movie to be a sequel to the 2009 film The Men Who Stare At Goats. He called his movie The Men Who Stare At Playboy Bunnies).

For more on the background of Renfield’s script, please read here:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/10/09/the-men-who-stare-at-playboy-bunnies/

The U.S. Army experiment proved unsuccessful.

But Renfield thought he would try his idea with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Michelangelo had the ability to enter people’s dreams and see what they were dreaming.

He also had the ability to occasionally pick up radio transmissions from the future.

But so far Michelangelo had failed at the psychic technique of remote viewing.

He did not seem to have the ability to visualize and see what was happening in the present at another location.

Renfield thought that if he showed Michelangelo pictures of Playboy bunnies, this might help his visualization and remote viewing techniques.

Renfield had Michelangelo’s lobster antennae hooked up to the computer so what Michelangelo was receiving or seeing would show up on the computer screen.

Renfield then showed the lobster various pictures of Playboy bunnies.

The computer seemed to shake but no images of remote locations appeared on the screen.

Then Renfield showed the crustacean a nude drawing of Sherlock Holmes’ very beautiful and virtually unknown and forgotten twin sister Sherrielock Holmes.

The power almost went out in the whole facility.

Then an image appeared on the computer screen.

Renfield recognized the locale as one of the rooms in the new Turkish Presidential Palace in Ankara.

He recognized the two people talking in the room.

On the left from the screen’s perspective was the megalomaniacal President of Turkey Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

On the right was the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was wearing a Byzantine gold coloured evening dress.

Renfield turned up the volume on the computer.

President Erdogan: I still can’t believe that the U.S. hasn’t figured out that I’m the one behind the creation of ISIS or ISIL or IS – whatever the initials of the day are that the brainless western media use for this group.

Lilith: American intelligence takes its cue from its Sleepwalker-In-chief.

Erdogan: Even though I’ve stated publicly on several occasions that I want to restore the Ottoman Empire with myself as Sultan of course…the U.S. still looks upon me as a trustworthy NATO ally.

Lilith: Well Iran’s Supreme Leader the Ayatollah Ali Khameini has consistently said that’s he going to destroy both the U.S. and Israel but Barack Obama signed a peace deal with Iran anyways.

Nimrod The Talking Frog (emerging from between the cleavage of the low-cut top of Lilith’s dress) : That reminds me of a line I heard from a rerun of Seinfeld where Jerry says to George, “I don’t think vomiting is a deal breaker. I’m sure if Hitler had vomited all over Chamberlain, Chamberlain would still have given him Czechoslovakia.”

Erdogan (to Lilith): Your little friend seems to appear out of nowhere in the most unusual places.

Lilith: I know. He gave my last gynecologist a major heart attack on one occasion.

Needless to say, Renfield found this whole conversation very interesting while Michelangelo the red lobster grew redder with each passing second.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 13th
2015.

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Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

May 31, 2015 at 7:15 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

U.S. President Barack Obama slept at his desk in the Oval Office while his teddy bear that he named Maxwell Smart Jr. whispered sweet nothings in his ear.

. . .

Meanwhile in the Iranian holy city of Qom, Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel (who had since been turned into a frog as a result of a vampiric kiss gone awry) whispered satanic somethings in the ear of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei as Iran’s Supreme Leader slept.

. . .

As Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan strolled into his gold plated and mirror ceilinged bedroom, he was startled to see the beautiful and sexy ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith standing there in a very low-cut silk nightgown.

As he gazed at this vision, he secretly hoped that what an Islamic televangelist in Turkey (who was about as nutty as some of the so-called Christian televangelists in America) had recently said about Muslim men who masturbate excessively in this lifetime- that their hands would be eternally pregnant in the next lifetime- wasn’t true.

“I’ve come to offer you something,” Lilith approached him.

Erdogan smiled.

He just might be spared an evening that might have put his right hand in eternal maternal jeopardy.

Lilith reached under her nightgown and pulled out the crown of the Sultan of Constantinople- ruler of the Ottoman Empire.

“This I will give you,” Lilith smiled seductively, “if you will fall down and worship me.”

“I hope she’s not asking me to kiss her pussy,” Erdogan thought to himself as he heard a cat meowing from under the bed.

. . .

In Jerusalem, the Mossad agent they called the Controller of The Golem sat in his office reading disturbing reports about recent speeches given by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

In a speech last week, Erdogan had called for the restoration of Ottoman rule over Jerusalem.

In a campaign speech yesterday as he campaigned on behalf of his Islamist party for next week’s Turkish parliamentary elections, Erdogan had called for the “conquering fires of Istanbul to again be lit across the world”.

Outside the Controller’s office could be heard the screeching of a night owl.

The Controller looked out his office window and noticed a raven attacking a dove within the light of a bright street lamp.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 31st
2015.

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Earth Day Is Lenin’s Birthday

April 22, 2015 at 7:24 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Earth Day Is Lenin’s Birthday

As a wired journalist for WIRED Magazine (he had drunk 20 cups of coffee while sitting in a Starbucks cafe that had 20 screaming children who had drunk too many chocolate sprinkled cappuccinos) wrote in an online article that the biggest threat to the Earth was “we have too many kids”, the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith and ancient Babel’s ruler Nimrod (who had turned into a frog as a result of a Vampiress’ kiss gone awry) were spending Earth Day in Moscow.

The Vampiress Lilith was having an important meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Nimrod would not be attending the meeting as President Putin did not talk to frogs.

The Russian leader had developed a severe allergy to frogs’ legs after a bad case of food poisoning on a disastrous holiday trip on the Black Sea many many years ago.

So Nimrod decided he would spend the time visiting Lenin’s Tomb in Moscow.

As Nimrod stared through the glass at the embalmed body of Lenin, Lenin’s corpse sat up momentarily and sang “Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me!” for of course Earth Day was the same day as Lenin’s birthday.

And today was Lenin’s 145th birthday.

“Where’s my birthday cake and candles?” Lenin shouted.

“I’m sorry,” apologized an old Soviet Red Army soldier who had stood guard at Lenin’s tomb since the very first Earth Day was held on this date back in 1970, “but a birthday cake with that many candles on it- 145- would violate the City of Moscow’s Fire Code.”

“Bloody bureaucratic regulations!” cursed the man who had founded the all-encompassing bureaucratic Soviet state.

The Soviet Union’s founder foamed at the mouth and promptly died again.

“Wow, I just saw Lenin’s corpse sit up and sing Happy Birthday to himself,” Nimrod the frog remarked as he left the Lenin Mausoleum.

“Wow, I just saw a talking frog,” said one vodka drinking Russian man who swore off vodka for life after this strange encounter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 22nd
2015.

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March Madness- Much More Than Just Basketball

March 16, 2015 at 7:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

March Madness- Much More Than Just Basketball

MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna (that was his code name) was having a meeting with Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

On the TV screen in the meeting room were video images of Russian President Vladimir Putin working out in a gym in Saint Petersburg Russia.

The Russian President held up a sign that said Rumours of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated.

Behind him, one of his aides held up a sign that said Rumours of His Having To Make New Paternity Payments Are Also Greatly Exaggerated.

But Diablos Nocturna and Peter Whitstable were not meeting to discuss the recent disappearance of Vladimir Putin from public view.

They were here to discuss the latest happenings with the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.

A year ago, Whitstable had discovered that the Vampiress Lilith had formed a secret alliance with the demon Asmodeus to destroy the nation of Israel.

Diablos Nocturna had been the first person in the Intelligence community to believe Whitstable’s story.

Having been a professional vampire hunter prior to joining MI-6, the man code named Diablos Nocturna was well aware of things supernatural.

Later the Mossad agent called The Controller of The Golem also came to believe Whitstable’s story.

But only after Lilith had tried to seduce the Controller’s rabbi when he was in a mikveh ritual bath.

Diablos told Whitstable that the Vampiress Lilith had brought the Biblical figure of Nimrod back to life by performing mouth-to-mouth on his dead body in a secret U.S. government lab.

However something had gone wrong with the antidote to death potion given her by the South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo.

The potion had done something to Nimrod’s DNA and had changed him into a frog.

“Since then,” Diablos informed Whitstable, “Lilith and Nimrod have been seen in several world capitals including Ankara Turkey and Berlin Germany.”

“I’d be curious to know who your source is that’s keeping all these tabs on Lilith and Nimrod,” Whitstable declared.

“It’s none other than the ancient Anglo-Saxon Vampiress Eostre,” replied Diablos.

“Isn’t that the Vampiress who’s able to shape shift into a bunny rabbit?” Whitstable asked.

“That’s the one,” Diablos nodded.

“When she’s in her bunny form,” Whitstable adjusted his glasses, “is it true she can lay multicoloured Easter eggs?”

“Well I don’t know, Peter, I’ve never really asked her,” Diablos smiled, “the next time I see her, do you want me to ask her?”.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 16th
2015.

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A Frog In The Presidential Palace

March 11, 2015 at 5:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

A Frog In The Presidential Palace

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was walking through the 1,150 rooms of the new Turkish Presidential Palace in Ankara.

As he was walking through the rooms, he was daydreaming in his mind of a referendum in which the populace of Turkey unanimously voted to have him declared Sultan of Turkey.

Today Sultan of Turkey, tomorrow Caliph of the entire world.

Erdogan entered the conservatory which contained luscious plants and artificial waterfalls.

He suddenly noticed a little green frog sitting on one of the plants near the waterfalls.

The frog croaked, “Ribbit, ribbit.”

Erdogan hurriedly left the conservatory and went to one of the Presidential Palace guards.

Said Erdogan to the guard, “There’s a little green frog in that room and he croaked ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ to me. Check him out.”

The guard went into the room and noticed a little green frog sitting on a lily pad near one of the waterfalls.

The frog opened his mouth and said, “I am Nimrod.”

The guard went out into the hall and addressed Erdogan.

“I saw the frog,” said the guard, “but he didn’t say ‘Ribbit, ribbit’, he said, ‘I am Nimrod’.”

“Nonsense you idiot,” Erdogan foamed, “Frogs don’t have the power of speech. Have you been drinking on the job? Although as a good Muslim, you shouldn’t be drinking off the job either.”

Erdogan went into the room and approached the frog.

“Well say, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’,” ordered Erdogan.

The frog opened his mouth and said, “Rabbit, rabbit.”

Erdogan left the room in a huff and went up to the guard.

“Did he say ‘Ribbit, ribbit’?” The guard asked.

“No, he said, ‘Rabbit, rabbit’,” Erdogan replied white as a ghost.

A little white bunny rabbit hopped out of the conservatory room behind Erdogan and then proceeded to hop through the rest of the 1,150 rooms of the Turkish Presidential Palace.

The little green frog followed.

To be continued.

– A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, March 11th
2015.

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Renfield, Lilith and The Frog Prince

March 5, 2015 at 7:28 pm (Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield, Lilith and The Frog Prince

Renfield R. Renfield was on his computer while Amadeus Emanon was doing a jigsaw puzzle.

“I wonder why everyone is getting excited by that photo of a weasel riding a woodpecker’s back,” Renfield mused aloud, “when this photo of a low cut evening dress vampiress with nice knockers flying over West Virginia with a frog in between her cleavage is so much more interesting… to say nothing of being much more arousing.”

“Well I see that photo has become serious competition for Viagra,” Amadeus commented as a certain part of Renfield’s anatomy knocked over the coffee table.

Amadeus went over to Renfield’s computer and looked at the photo.

“I believe that’s the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith isn’t it?” Amadeus asked.

“Wow, you’re right!” Renfield was impressed.

He had only given his protege Amadeus the book An Illustrated Encyclopedia of Vampiresses to look at the night before.

“I wonder who the lucky frog in between her cleavage is?” Renfield felt jealous of the little amphibian.

“I have no idea,” Amadeus went back to his jigsaw puzzle of the Tower of Babel.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 5th
2015.

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