Pan Goatee and The Genetic Clone of Krampus

September 15, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Entertainment, Folklore, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee and The Genetic Clone of Krampus

Pan Goatee was hating living in Calgary.

He had never seen so many ugly women in one place as he had in this city.

The DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer had been ordered by DARPA to spy on supporters of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Federal Liberal Party in this city and bump them off if necessary.

DARPA was following the strict orders of a certain toupee wearing bozo (whose DARPA code name was the GOO – short for Great Orange 🍊 Orifice) in doing this.

The trouble was since there were so many ugly women in the city, Pan Goatee was spending a lot more time on his hobby of serial killing ugly women than he was on following instructions for DARPA.

In addition to killing ugly women, Pan Goatee had also been burning down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods in the city as part of his urban improvement project.

However he had developed machete wielder’s elbow on his right arm (as a result of beheading multitudes of ugly women with his astral laser machete) and arsonist’s thumb on his left hand (as a result of setting fires that burned down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods).

He was in pretty rough shape and Obamacare really didn’t help pay for treating his ailments.

“What a stupid policy Obamacare was,” Pan Goatee seethed.

Goatee asked Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA to make a genetic clone of Krampus (the half-demon half goat entity) who served as assistant to the saintly Saint Nicholas in Bavaria, Austria and Central Europe during the festive Advent and Christmas 🎄 seasons.

“I need Krampus as my assistant,” he explained.

Through cutting back financial support to ISIS, al-Qaeda, al-Nusra and other Islamist terrorists fighting Bashar al-Assad in Syria, the U.S. government was able to find the funding necessary to genetically clone Krampus.

Krampus was delighted to provide his DNA for a genetic clone of himself to serve as a personal assistant to Pan Goatee.

He was a big admirer of Pan Goatee’s and had in fact started an online Facebook fan club for the satyr serial killer of ugly looking women.

Numerous feminist groups and Hillary Clinton supporters had petitioned Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to remove the group off Facebook but Zuckerberg refused.

Krampus had threatened to carry Zuckerberg off to Hell this coming December if he disbanded the group.

Just on the off chance that Pope Francis’ judgement on Hell was about as good as his judgement in covering up for pedophile covering bishops, Zuckerberg didn’t want to take a chance.

This Saturday September 15th 2018, Dr. Faustus Imhotep presented Krampus’ genetic clone Krampus The 2nd as a gift 💝 to Pan Goatee.

Krampus The 2nd jogged 7 times around the city of Calgary in honour of the 7 Hills of Rome.

Krampus then carried a large Christmas sack behind him as he and Pan Goatee went off to do a day’s work.

When Pan went to buy a submarine sandwich, a fat ugly white blimp got in his way.

“You stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee punched her full force in her ugly looking face with his bandaged thumb left hand.

Krampus then beheaded her with Pan’s astral laser machete and proceeded to cut her up into 666 quintillion pieces.

He shoved the pieces into a Pope Francis approved environmentally friendly plastic garbage bag and put it into his sack and ran off to a drug gang controlled neighbourhood which the cloned demon goat burnt down with the fat ugly blimp’s arson soaked remains.

He rejoined Pan Goatee as Goatee stood at a traffic light.

Goatee noticed a fat ugly white blimp across the street from him and so he went and punched her in the face with his bandaged thumb left hand.

Krampus The 2nd beheaded her.

666 quintillion pieces.

Environmentally friendly garbage bag.

Arson soaked fat ugly blimp remains.

Bye-bye another drug gang controlled neighbourhood.

The demon goat jogged back to rejoin the half-human half-goat satyr.

Goatee tried jaywalking across the street but a cop stopped him.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a ticket,” said the cop.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to order you beheaded,” said Pan Goatee.

Krampus The 2nd repeated the process with the cop as he did for the two fat ugly white blimps.

The cop would have been happy to know that his arson soaked remains burnt down another drug gang controlled neighbourhood. 😀

Goatee and Krampus The 2nd went for a ride on the transit train.

A fat ugly white blimp tried to board the train as Goatee was getting off.

“Out of the way, you hideously fat ugly repulsive looking creature,” Goatee punched her full force in her fat ugly face with his bandaged thumb left hand.

Behead. Slash into 666 quintillion pieces. Eco-friendly garbage bags. Arson soaked remains. Another drug gang neighbourhood sings a mournful dirge version of that old campfire 🔥 folk song Kumbaya.

Krampus The 2nd was getting it down to a fine art form.

When the cloned half-demon half goat rejoined the half-Human half-goat satyr, Goatee was boarding the transit train again.

This time a fat ugly white blimp got on behind him.

“You fucking fat ugly cow,” Goatee shouted at her, “Why don’t you have the decency to wear a paper bag over your head when you go out in public, you inconsiderate fat assed ton of lard.”

He punched her full force right in her stupid fat ugly pathetic face.

As Pan Goatee headed off to the emergency ward of the nearest hospital to get four knuckles and four fingers on his left hand bandaged, Krampus The 2nd went into full gear.

Beheading. Slicing into 666 quintillion pieces. Eco-friendly garbage bags. Arson soaked remains. 360 alarm fire.

Nero’s ghost played on his violin 🎻 Another One Bites The Dust while Pablo Escobar’s ghost counted the number of Air Miles points he had earned from buying boxes of ghostly spectral Kleenex tissues.

Krampus The 2nd: Aiding Pan Goatee in his ongoing campaign to rid the world of ugly looking women and other annoying people.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 15th
2018.

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