The Young Renfield

December 15, 2015 at 9:33 pm (Humour, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Young Renfield

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was thinking back to the first Christmas after he had genetically created Renfield R. Renfield from a combination of human and hamster DNA.

He remembered the young Renfield building his first snowman outside the Set Enterprises premises at the start of his work day.

When Dr. Rocher walked out of the grounds after work, there was a huge puddle of water outside the gate and the young Renfield was crying bucketloads of tears.

“What happened, Renfield?” Dr. Rocher asked.

“Well,” Renfield blubbered, “I thought Frosty could use a sun tan but when I put the sun lamp on him and left for a while, he melted.”

Poor Renfield, Cadbury laughed and shook his head.

Surely, Renfield had changed.

Meanwhile on this day outside Dr. Rocher’s lab, Renfield tried to pick up the short skirted actress Lucy Liu (who plays Joan Watson on Elementary) and was sent flying by her kick boxing kick over the fence back into the Set Enterprises yard.

His copy of his own book Renfield’s Surefire Pick- Up Lines To Pick Up Women was left lying in the snow on the very spot where Frosty the Snowman had melted years before.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 15th

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Pan Deux and The Scottish Independence Movement

August 31, 2014 at 6:05 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Deux and The Scottish Independence Movement

Amadeus Emanon was reading an email from his friend Pan Deux.

Pan Deux was a genetically created half-man half-goat satyr who had been created by Set Enterprises.

Pan Deux was not the first satyr created by Set Enterprises.

He was the second.

Hence his last name Deux- French for two.

The first genetically created satyr made by Set Enterprises’ Chief Research Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had been Pan Goatee.

But due to Amadeus’ carelessness in reading and signing the wrong forms at the Set Enterprises’ Shipping and Receiving docks, Pan Goatee had ended up being sent out on the wrong lorry and after a highway accident had become irrevocably lost to Set Enterprises.

So Dr. Rocher had hastily created Pan Deux after the original Pan Goatee was lost.

Due to a miscalculation in DNA sequencing that Dr. Rocher had made, Pan Deux was unable to play Greek pan pipes like the original Pan Goatee.

Instead he played the Scottish bagpipes.

He also wore tartan kilts that seemed to accentuate his furry goat legs and hooves.

He also ate haggis.

Since Pan Deux also did not have the DNA of an abominable snowman yeti and homicidal death heavy metal singers in his genetic make-up like the original Pan Goatee, he was not a psychopathic serial killer like the former nor was he able to astral project like the yeti of the Himalayas or Pan Goatee.

Instead he made his living playing the bagpipes at weddings and funerals.

He was now playing the bagpipes at pro-independence rallies across Scotland as campaign bagpiper to William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Member of the Scottish Parliament (MSP) for the Eildon Hills.

Mr. Douglas was a member of the Scottish National Party (SNP) and was slated to become the first Foreign Affairs Minister for an independent Scotland should the Scots vote in favour of independence this coming September 18th 2014.

Pan Deux enjoyed campaigning with William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas.

He also enjoyed his wife Sangita Patel Douglas’ cooking.

She made a particularly good curried haggis.

Pan Deux urged Amadeus to come up to Scotland and try it.

Amadeus decided that he would do that.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 31st

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The Boiling Frog Experiment

June 8, 2011 at 7:17 pm (Commentary, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was spending Wednesday evening cooped up in the Set Enterprises lab (as he spent every other evening of a 7-day week).

And of course Michelangelo had his antenna hooked up to a computer so it could read and penetrate the sleeping thoughts (i.e. dreams) of individuals all over the world and then pass the information to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s computer data base.

Michelangelo had heard Wednesday called “hump day” by certain employees of Set Enterprises.

Which may explain why Set Enterprises’ chief mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had just spent “hump day” genetically engineering a camel who wouldn’t have a hump.

Michelangelo could not surmise the reason why Dr. Cadbury Rocher would do this.

After all he had heard it said by the great Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing that “A camel was God’s way of letting the world know what a horse would look like if it had been designed by a committee.”

So where would a camel be without his hump?

God only knew.

And Dr. Cadbury Rocher was obviously anxious to find out.

Totally oblivious to the fact that humpless camels had already been discovered in southern Tanzania.

But some poor snook Arabian camel was being made to suffer for Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s lack of knowledge.

Such was the calling of science these days.

As for Michelangelo, he himself was a lobster who had been genetically engineered by Dr. Cadbury Rocher to enter people’s dreams and their unconscious minds.

Michelangelo decided once again to enter the unconscious mind of the comatose Renfield R. Renfield who was still lying in a coma in the neurosciences unit of King’s College Hospital here in London.

This time he would not be sending his own visual images into Renfield’s dream like he had last Friday night when he had sent to Renfield’s brain his own version of the Lady Gaga video Judas.

Rather he would choose to see what sort of dreams Renfield dreamt about on his own.

Renfield was dreaming that he was in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

Amadeus Emanon was sitting at the kitchen table eating from a bag of potato chips.

Renfield had a pot on the stove and he had placed a frog in the pot and was slowly raising the temperature of the pot on the stove.

“What are you doing?” Amadeus asked as he munched on a potato chip.

“I’m trying to determine whether that theory which says if you place a frog in boiling water right away it will immediately jump out- which I tried on the previous frog and it died when I placed it in boiling water,” Renfield explained, “but now I’m empirically testing the second part of the theory which says if you slowly raise the temperature of the water up to boiling, the frog won’t jump out of the pot until it’s too late and the frog will boil to death.”

“That’s horrible,” Amadeus stopped eating his potato chip.

“I know,” Renfield cackled an evil laugh.

Amadeus was too paralyzed by the sound of Renfield’s evil laugh to get up and rescue the frog.

And with each passing moment, Renfield used the knobs on the stove to slowly raise the temperature of the water the frog was in.

Suddenly one could hear the water starting to boil and bubble portending trouble…

… particularly for the frog…

…. when suddenly…

… Miss Piggy walked into the kitchen and screamed, “KERMIT! What are you letting that evil man do to you?.”

To be continued.

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