Ghost of Orson Welles Meets Belvedere In Istanbul

May 6, 2019 at 9:40 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in a cafe in Istanbul.

He had been told by a Russian spy beluga whale whom he had helped to defect to Norway this past weekend that the lovely mermaid Miranda when swimming through the Bosphorus Strait would often shapeshift into full human form and visit the Marmara Cafe in downtown Istanbul of which she loved the Turkish coffee being served there.

Welles could never recall meeting an actual mermaid in his past mortal life or current ghostly life so he decided to come to Istanbul and visit the Marmara Cafe on the off chance that he might meet Miranda.

Welles sat at a back table in the corner of the cafe and sipped a glass of spectral red wine occasionally glancing at the entrance to see if any woman who might be a mermaid in full human form came walking through the door.

He recited William Butler Yeats’ Sailing To Byzantium as he sat,

“… And therefore have I sailed the seas and come
To the holy city of Byzantium. ”

“Orson!” A voice shouted from the doorway.

It was the voice of Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander.

Belvedere had been human but back in the mid-1880s in the American Wild West had been turned into a ghost white salamander through an ancient Egyptian spell cast by a gypsy woman who worked in the Wild West saloon where he worked as a bartender.

He became the ghost of a ghost white salamander when he crawled outside and was run over by a settlers’ ox cart heading west.

The first and last time Belvedere saw Welles was back in October 1938 just prior to the then Boy Wonder delivering his famous Halloween War of The Worlds broadcast.

“Belvedere,” the ghost of Orson Welles lit a spectral cigar, “Long time no see.”

“I see we’re both ghosts now,” Belvedere sat across from the spectral cinematic talent.

“Such are the ravages of time,” Welles blew rosebud shaped smoke rings, “unless we be vampires, vampiresses, gods, goddesses or immortal dominatrixes who have eaten just the right amount of Lingzhi supernatural mushrooms, we must all succumb to the hands of the scythe wielding spectre Death there to see our flesh melt and our bones turned to dust and our spirits wandering earth, purgatory or paradise until such time as our bodies and souls are reunited into a new transformed whole on the Day of Judgment.”

“Eloquent as ever, my friend,” Belvedere was impressed.

“So, what are you doing these days?” Welles sipped his wine, “What brings you to Istanbul?”.

“I am now a reporter for The Times of London,” the ghost white salamander answered, “I’m here on assignment. Turkey’s chief electoral body has ordered that Istanbul’s local elections be re-held after President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s Islamist AK Party lost to the opposition secularist CHP Party after a shock opposition victory this past March.”

“It is indeed a hatchet in the cake of dictatorship when the trappings of democracy come crashing down just as the cake is being wheeled into the banquet hall where Ottoman Sultans once dined and harem girls once danced,” Welles helped himself to spectral caviar and spread it on a spectral slice of bread.

“Erdogan is indeed upset about the whole thing,” Belvedere agreed, “He himself used to be Mayor of Istanbul many years ago.”

“Such is the power of the spirit of Byzantium,” Welles drank a toast, “that this city can survive the misrule of a petty despot such as Erdogan.”

“Istanbul’s new CHP Mayor Ekrem Imamoglu is confident that he can win again in the re-held election,” Belvedere remarked.

“Beware the sting of scorpions and the fangs of serpents,” Welles’ baritone voice shook the cafe, “for my friends who still fast in the fires of Purgatory inform me that Lady MacBeth’s ghost serves as an advisor to Erdogan.”

“Great Scot! And great Caesar’s ghost!” Belvedere’s ghostly white face turned even more ghostly white, “Lady MacBeth!”.

“Never was a Film Noir Femme Fatale more femme fatalish than Lady MacBeth as the Bard so adeptly captured her personality, soul and spirit in his Scottish Play,” Welles raised his finger in the air to capture the direction the Mid-East winds were blowing, “for she serves not only as advisor to Erdogan but advisor to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman as well. Tantalizing both claimants to a future Caliphate. Playing one side against the other. Stringing both together as if playing on a harp whose strings are made of human sinews.”

Belvedere decided to change to a cheerier subject.

“Have you ever watched Game of Thrones?” Belvedere asked.

“I have never watched an episode in full,” Welles confessed, “I have watched segments of certain programs on YouTube.”

“What do you think?” Belvedere inquired.

“What do I think?” Welles lit another spectral cigar, inhaled and then exhaled smoke rings like dragons, “I think Game of Thrones captures what the world of Medieval Europe would have been like if there had been no figure of Christ at the center of the culture of Medieval Europe.”

“Really?” Belvedere pondered this thought.

“In such a Medieval Europe,” Welles took the final sip of what remained of his glass, “Every ruler would be able to say… we are all Lady MacBeth.”

As a woman in another corner of the cafe claimed to have just given birth to dragons, the ghost of Lady MacBeth entered the cafe’s entrance still carrying stains of blood on her spectral formerly mortal hands.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 6th 2019
Orson Welles’ 104th
birthday.

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Belvedere and The Enchantress

July 22, 2017 at 7:58 pm (International Intrigue, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere and The Enchantress

It was a hot August night in 1885.

And Belvedere the bartender at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was the laughing stock of the entire town of Hayden Colorado.

Earlier in the evening, Belvedere had told a saloon bar patron that he was still a virgin.

“What?” The patron started laughing his head off, “You’re 45 years old and you’re still a virgin?”.

Word of Belvedere’s admission had spread around the town like wildfire.

When a fire ranger rode up from Denver to Hayden and was told there was no actual fire, he fell off his horse 🐴 laughing when told the real reason for the excitement in town.

Unfortunately for Belvedere, his employer Sherrielock Holmes the proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was away attending an opera in San Francisco on the West Coast.

Otherwise she’d have tomatoed many of the townspeople’s bottoms for making fun of her bartender.

Belvedere sat on the wooden sidewalk in front of the saloon blubbering away when a beautiful blonde woman walked by.

“What’s wrong, Belvedere?” The beautiful blonde asked.

“Do I know you?” Belvedere blinked at her.

“I’m Serena, one of the new girls that Miss Sherrielock hired last week,” the blonde sat beside him and raised her skirt showing very shapely legs.

“Oh yes, I heard Miss Holmes had hired some new girls,” Belvedere blew his nose into his tie and then took it off and put it into a box intending to give it as a Christmas gift to the man who had told the whole town that he was a virgin.

The lovely blonde reached into her low-cut blouse and pulled out a beautiful railway watch on a chain (that she kept between her cleavage).

“I see it’s 8 in the evening,” Serena cooed, “what do you intend to do the rest of the night?”.

“I have no idea,” Belvedere looked up at the night sky 🌌 and saw a shooting star 🌠.

“Did you make a wish, Belvedere?” She moved closer to him and put her arms around him.

“Um, yes I did,” said Belvedere.

“Well, why don’t you come up to my room then,” she whispered in his ear, “and then we can make your wish come true.”

Belvedere looked inside the water trough for the horses that was a few feet away.

The reflection in the water showed the pyramids of Egypt against the night sky.

Belvedere thought it was an opportune night to make his wish come true.

He walked up the saloon’s back stairs with Serena to her room.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 22nd
2017.

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Belvedere Discovers His Enchantress

June 24, 2017 at 3:40 pm (International Intrigue, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Belvedere the reporter for the Times of London had not always been the ghost of a Ghost White Salamander.

He was originally human but had been turned into a ghost white salamander back in August 1885 when he did not pay a working girl for services rendered in a room above a Wild West saloon.

The brothel girl cast a spell that turned him into a ghost white salamander.

He turned into the ghost of a ghost white salamander when an ox cart heading west ran over him as he crawled in a westernly direction.

Belvedere had heard through his sources that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had managed to take a coloured photograph with his lobster antennae of an assassination attempt made on Josef Stalin in his personal steam locomotive train back on June 22nd 1931.

Belvedere wondered if Michelangelo’s lobster antennae could photographically go back in time to August 15th 1885 the day that he was changed into a ghost white salamander.

And spot who was the enchantress who did this to him?

For Belvedere had forgotten what she looked like after he got run over by an ox cart.

Not of course that the Enchantress was probably still alive to turn him back.

But he’d like to know who she was.

Belvedere went down to the Set Enterprises lab and put in the request to Michelangelo.

Michelangelo’s lobster antennae started flashing red and blue lights as the photo started coming in.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher checked the screen of the computer hooked up to Michelangelo’s antennae as the photo appeared.

Serena

“That’s her,” said Belvedere, “that was the newly employed brothel girl at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon who turned me into a ghost white salamander when I didn’t pay her for sleeping with me.”

“What,” cried the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set as he entered the room, “that’s Serena my fiancee. You mean to say she time traveled back to the day August 15th 1885 and slept with you?”.

Belvedere decided it might not be a good idea to stay in the same room as an angry vampire so he vanished.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 24th
2017.

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Belvedere Interviews Donald Trump

February 12, 2017 at 4:20 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Satire, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

President Trump (to Belvedere): You’re the reporter from The Times of London?

Belvedere: That’s right.

Trump: But you’re the ghost of a ghost white salamander?

Belvedere: That’s also right.

Trump: Okay. I suppose that’s all right. Mitt Romney told me that the ghost of a ghost white salamander told him that I was descended from Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene.

(A news bulletin on the television in the next room said that actor Tom Hanks had just been rushed to hospital)

Belvedere: It wasn’t me.

Trump: It wasn’t? That’s too bad. If Mitt Romney had found the supporting documentation from the Mormon Church Archives, I’d have made him Secretary of State. But he didn’t. So instead I made that guy who’s Chairman of Exxon the Secretary of State. I forget his name but he used to offer me great deals on gasoline.

Belvedere: How do you like being President of the United States?

Trump: I love it but the court system in this country is a real pain in the ass to quote that guy in the next sauna next to me in that gym I used to go to in Manhattan.They won’t let me do what I want. What a bummer. Again quoting that guy next to me in the next sauna.

Belvedere: How do you feel about having your plans upset like that?

Trump: Well I often thought about making myself Emperor and then I wouldn’t have to deal with irritants like judges. Or even worry about getting re-elected for that matter.

Belvedere: Emperor?

Trump: Emperor of America. I mean Rome was a republic for over 200 years after they got rid of their kings. And then they became an Empire with an Emperor. Why can’t we do the same? It’s been over 240 years since George Washington and our forefathers booted King George III and his Hanoverian ass out of this country. We’ve been a republic for 240 years. We should try something new. Julius Caesar wanted to be Emperor of Rome but he got himself assassinated. Great leaders don’t get themselves assassinated in my opinion. That’s why I’m not planning on visiting the Capitol steps of the U.S. Senate on the Ides of March. Caesar Augustus made himself Emperor and didn’t get assassinated. I plan on being more like Caesar Augustus.

Belvedere: Some people think that Augustus was fed poisonous figs, grapes or mushrooms and that’s how he died.

Trump: I’m not planning to eat any figs, grapes or mushrooms in the near future. Although damn it, I am going to miss eating those bacon, cheddar and mushroom melt burgers at Wendy’s restaurants.

Belvedere: So will the American people approve of you making yourself Emperor?

Trump: Of course they will. The American people love me.

Belvedere: What about those people that don’t love you?

Trump: Those people who don’t love me aren’t true Americans.

Belvedere: What should be done with those people who don’t love you?

Trump: They should be fed to the lions.

Belvedere: Is ancient Rome again your inspiration for this?

Trump: Absolutely. Remember those great reality shows they put on in the Colosseum in Rome? They weren’t televised because sadly they didn’t have television in those days. But we do have television. And I’m planning to build colosseums and forums with American material and American labour. We’re going to bring back gladiatorial combat to the death. We’re going to bring back feeding people to the lions We’re going to make America Rome again.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 10th
2017.

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Orson Welles Meets Belvedere

November 1, 2016 at 3:47 pm (Film, Ghost Story, History, Radio, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Orson Welles Meets Belvedere

It was the autumn of 1938. Orson Welles was sitting in a radio studio working on the finishing touches for a script for his radio show The Mercury Theatre On The Air.

The script was to be a radio stage play adaptation of H.G. Wells’ famous book The War of The Worlds about a Martian invasion of Earth.

As Welles worked on his script, he suddenly noticed the ghost of a ghost white salamander sitting on the monitor in front of him.

“Saints preserve us,” Welles spoke in an Irish brogue (for he had recently travelled across Ireland only a few years back), “it’s the ghost of a ghost white salamander.”

“Ah, you can see me,” Belvedere seemed pleased, “you must be a great artist for generally only great artists be they writers, poets, actors, singers, musicians or painters are able to see me.”

“Well, I try my best,” Welles answered, “you say only great artists are able to see you?”.

“Yes,” Belvedere nodded, “I once surprised Vincent Van Gogh while he was shaving around his ear at the time. I’ve tried not to appear suddenly to people ever since.”

“A wise decision,” Welles flipped to a passage in the Book of Ecclesiastes, “have you always been the ghost of a ghost white salamander?”.

“No, I was once human,” Belvedere sighed sadly, “but a gypsy turned me into a white salamander and then shortly thereafter, I got run over by a covered wagon heading west and I became the ghost of a ghost white salamander.”

“Sounds like an intriguing story,” Welles smiled, “it might make for an interesting movie.”

“Are you thinking of making movies?” Belvedere asked.

“Yes, I have an idea for a movie about a megalomaniacal newspaper publisher,” Welles answered.

“Where did you get the idea for that?” Belvedere inquired as some of his ghostly ectoplasm dropped on a poster of William Randolph Hearst lying on the floor.

“Oh, I find inspiration everywhere,” Welles winked.

“Good for you,” Belvedere smiled, “how will your movie about the megalomaniacal newspaper publisher begin?”.

“The publisher will die in bed uttering a single word Rosebud and then a reporter will interview people who knew the newspaper mogul in life and see if he can discover what the word meant,” Welles explained.

“Sounds like an interesting concept,” Belvedere sneezed which was unusual for a ghost but then Belvedere was an unusual ghost, “how will it end?.”

“I haven’t quite figured out the ending,” Welles replied.

“I’m sure something will come up in the meantime,” Belvedere raised a ghostly white salamander leg to scratch a ghostly white salamander itch.

“So as the ghost of a ghost white salamander,” Welles inquired, “do you have any regrets in life?”.

“Well I regret never having had a sled as a child,” Belvedere sighed, “it would have been fun to go sledding down snowy hills. Not of course that we had any snowy hills in the bayous of New Orleans.”

“A sled eh?” A glint entered Welles’ eyes.

“That’s right,” Belvedere wept crocodile tears even though he was a salamander.

“Well, I must return to my script,” Welles smiled, “an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ The War of The Worlds.

“That will be on the radio tonight?” Belvedere asked.

“It will,” Welles smiled.

“I’ll tune in,” said Belvedere.

. . .

Later that night, Belvedere jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge after listening to a series of news bulletins on the radio describing a Martian invasion of Earth taking place that apparently started in New Jersey.

As Belvedere hit the water, his last thought was, “Why would anyone begin an invasion of Earth by starting in New Jersey?”.

Since he was already a ghost and could not die a second time, his next thought was, “This is a serious argument against the existence of intelligent life on Mars.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 30th
2016.

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Renfield and The Brangelina Break- Up

October 7, 2016 at 2:58 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and The Brangelina Break-Up

Renfield R. Renfield had been called to 10 Downing Street for an emergency meeting with British Prime Minister Theresa May.

“What do you wish to see me about, Mrs. May?” Renfield declined an offer from the Prime Minister to be seated (having recently been kidnapped by members of Sherrielock Holmes’ Dominatrix Services).

“Have you heard of the Robur The Conquerer files?” Mrs. May asked the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human.

“I have,” Renfield nodded.

In fact, many nights earlier, Renfield had been in possession of the Robur The Conquerer files prior to his abduction.

Now the Robur the Conquerer files were being published in The Times of London in a series of articles written by George Belvedere Duhamel who wrote a column bearing the nom-de-plume The Ghost White Salamander.

“It has come to the attention of Her Majesty’s Government that the Robur files bring little known insight into the recent marital break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,” Mrs. May looked quite solemn.

Renfield was astounded by the Prime Minister’s remark.

He thought to himself such was the world’s fixation with celebrity gossip and scandals in the early 21st Century that even would-be world conquerers (such as Robur) and sovereign national governments (such as that of Great Britain) were now preoccupied with celebrity break-ups.

“Really?” Renfield coughed.

“Yes, apparently one of them is a spy for the Russians and the other one isn’t,” Mrs. May explained, “this has resulted in a marital breakdown and a huge financial windfall for some lucky divorce lawyers.”

“Which one is the spy for the Russians and which one isn’t?” Renfield asked.

“The Robur files do not elaborate,” Mrs. May answered, “that’s what we want you to find out for us.”

“Okay,” Renfield agreed.

Later at home in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield began the search to discover which one of the power couple- the Brangelina- was the Russian spy.

He began his investigation by putting in a phone call to the editor of The National Enquirer newspaper.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 26th
2016.

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The Old Gunslinger Returns

July 6, 2016 at 8:28 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , )

The Old Gunslinger Returns

As Belvedere stood behind the bar on this warm evening and pondered the exciting possibility that there might actually be Aztec gold in Hayden, Colorado, Sherrielock Holmes came running down the stairs in a lovely black and white evening gown and shouted, “Someone get Fat Tommy to the saloon. The Desperate Desperados Gang is riding into town tonight.”

The Desperate Desperados were a gang of cutthroat bandits and outlaws who took no prisoners but helped themselves to everything else.

Fat Tommy in his youth had been a famous gunslinger who then had the name Slim Tommy.

But times had changed.

Tommy lost his gunslinging ability for hamburger slinging followed by swallowing.

He had exchanged his slim waist line for an opportunity to play Moby Dick in a stage production (provided he lost enough weight to fit the whale’s actual size).

Still desperate times called for desperate measures and seeing as how the Desperate Desperados were riding into town, Fat Tommy was being asked by Sherrielock Holmes to gunsling once more.

Fat Tommy arrived in the saloon (he had some trouble getting through the swinging doors) and tried sitting down (breaking dozens of chairs in the process) and finally stood at the bar and ordered 300 plates of pork and beans.

When he finished his 300th plate, he wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and walked (more like waddled) out the door.

It was sundown.

The Desperate Desperados were just riding into town with their guns drawn and hooting and hollering.

They stopped outside the saloon.

Fat Tommy turned around, bent over and let ‘er rip.

That explains the reason for the huge quantity of pork and beans eaten, Belvedere thought as he watched.

The Desperate Desperados rode out of town like bats out of Hell.

Never had Belvedere seen outlaws or horses move so quickly.

Fat Tommy then started walking back towards the saloon.

“No, Fat Tommy,” Sherrielock ordered, “you’re not coming back in here tonight. I’ve yet to buy insurance on the chandeliers.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 6th
2016.

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Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec

July 4, 2016 at 8:31 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , )

Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec

Belvedere was awarded the Hayden, Colorado Town Medal of Valour for slaying the vampire.

After the ceremony, Belvedere went back to the saloon.

He began wiping down the bar.

Just then the saloon doors opened and a beautiful looking Mexican woman wearing a beautiful purple evening dress walked through the doors.

She walked up to the bar.

“Evening, ma’am,” Belvedere greeted her, “what can I get you?”.

“Just a glass of iced water please,” she answered.

“One glass of iced water coming up,” Belvedere poured her a glass of iced water from the pitcher kept in the cooler.

“So you’re the man who slew the vampire?” She looked at him.

“Wow, word certainly gets around, doesn’t it?” Belvedere blushed.

“I myself am a Vampiress,” the woman smiled showing sharp vampiric incisors, “I am the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”

“Really?” Belvedere looked shocked.

He felt bad at having to stake such a beautiful woman.

“But I’m not here to bite anyone on the neck so you don’t have to stake me,” Qonzilqointec smiled.

“That’s good to hear,” Belvedere quickly drank a glass of iced water himself.

“I’m here in Hayden, Colorado because,” the Aztec vampire princess leaned over to whisper to him, “this is one of the places believed that a group of Aztecs heading north to escape Cortes’ conquest of the Aztec Empire came and buried the Lost Gold of the Aztecs.”

“Really?” Belvedere was intrigued.

“So I’m here to look for it,” Qonzilqointec smiled, “Thanks for the iced water.”

She walked out the door.

“Any time,” Belvedere shouted, “here in Hayden, iced water is thicker than blood.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 12th
2016.

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Belvedere and The Vampire

June 30, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Belvedere and The Vampire

There was definitely a vampire in town all right.

Several of the saloon chorus girls in Hayden, Colorado had been bitten on the neck and had some of their blood drained.

Sherrielock Holmes the saloon owner was herself attacked by the vampire but she managed to beat him off with a whip.

A vampire hunter called Batty Bill Cotee was brought into town to give a speech on how to ward off, fight and kill vampires.

Batty Bill Cotee gave the speech at the Teetotalers Methodist Church in town.

Cotee recommended wearing Crosses and Crucifixes around one’s neck.

The recommendation led to sales of Crosses and Crucifixes from Saint Patrick’s Catholic Church and Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church in town.

Neither Saint Andrew’s Presbyterian Church nor the Immanuel Baptist Church in town profited from the recommendation.

Cotee also recommended hanging garlic in one’s doorway and one’s window to keep vampires out.

This led to great sales on garlic at Haim’s Delicatessen in town.

And the hanging of garlic led to a decrease in both vampire sightings and visits by traveling door-to-door salesmen at most homes in town.

“The way to kill a vampire is to stab it through the heart with a stake,” said Cotee.

Belvedere took particular note of that statement.

A few days later, the advice was to come in handy.

As Belvedere stepped out of the saloon one night, he noticed one of the saloon chorus girls Carla getting bitten on the neck by a vampire.

Belvedere immediately ran into the saloon and said to the cook, “I’d like a steak please.”

“How would you like it?” The cook asked, “Blue-rare? Rare? Medium rare? Medium? Medium well done? Well done?”.

Belvedere took a quick look out of the saloon window and realized he didn’t have much time.

“Uh… blue-rare please,” Belvedere said to the cook.

A couple of minutes later, the cook handed Belvedere a plate, “There you go. One 10-ounce blue-rare steak.”

Belvedere ran outside with the plate and the steak and ran up to the vampire who was still being a real pain in the neck to Carla.

Belvedere grabbed the steak off the plate and then dropped it to the ground shouting, “Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!”.

He quickly dropped the steak on the plate and ran over to the water trough for the horses and dipped both plate and steak into the cool water.

The vampire had stopped biting Carla on the neck as he stopped to watch Belvedere make a spectacle out of himself.

When the steak was sufficiently cool, Belvedere ran over to the vampire and started stabbing him in the heart with a steak.

“What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The vampire asked.

“I’m stabbing you in the heart with a steak,” Belvedere replied.

“It’s a wooden stake you’re supposed to use, moron,” Carla said exasperatedly, “S-T-A-K-E not S-T-E-A-K, idiot!”.

“Oops!” Belvedere said.

He went running over to a white picket fence across the street and grabbed a stake from the fence.

“Hey, come back with part of my fence,” the homeowner shouted.

Belvedere ran over to the vampire and quickly plunged the white picket fence wooden stake into the vampire’s heart.

The vampire quickly degraded into skull and bones and then dust.

The homeowner rushed on to the scene and picked up his white picket fence stake and started crying, “Waaah! You got blood on it!”.

“My hero!” Carla kissed Belvedere.

Sherrielock Holmes who had been watching the whole scene up from her second floor saloon office window started laughing her head off.

“Oh, Belvedere,” she laughed, “you’ve got the brains of a politician.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 11th
2016.

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Belvedere In Hayden, Colorado

June 29, 2016 at 7:53 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere In Hayden, Colorado

By the time Belvedere arrived in the town of Hayden, Colorado in June 1880 ( a town no longer in existence), he was tired of being an outlaw.

The final straw for him was when he found his name misspelled on a Wanted poster in a post office when he went in to buy stamps.

He decided to give up being an outlaw.

Thus when he rode into Hayden on his not-so-loyal horse Wildflower one June morning and noticed the Bartender Wanted sign on the window of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon (with the word Bartender spelled correctly), he decided to apply for the job.

The proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was a startlingly beautiful Englishwoman by the name of Sherrielock Holmes.

She wore a very beautiful red evening dress with black ruffled sleeves when she met him.

Although Belvedere had no experience being a bartender, she was intrigued with his life story and laughed uproariously as he recounted his past exploits.

She hired him and personally trained him as bartender.

One night as he threw the last of the drunks out of the saloon (well it was actually Sherrielock who thrashed them out the door with her whip), he was closing up the saloon when the town’s sheriff Franklin P. Peabody approached.

“Evening, Belvedere,” the sheriff took off his hat and spit chewing tobacco on the ground.

“Evening, Sheriff,” Belvedere put on his hat and put chewing tobacco in his mouth.

“You know townsfolk are claiming that there’s a vampire in town,” the sheriff looked towards the west and watched the last of the sun setting behind the mountains.

“A vampire? You mean like those bloodsuckers of medieval myth and legend?” Belvedere tried to blow bubbles with his chewing tobacco but failed.

“That’s right,” Sheriff Peabody nodded.

“But that’s crazy,” said Belvedere.

“That’s what I say,” Peabody agreed.

Peabody walked down the street towards his sheriff’s office and Belvedere stood there pondering the moonlight.

He decided to spit out his chewing tobacco.

Belvedere did so.

Right as a bat flew by.

Belvedere was positive that the bat swore at him in Romanian.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 10th
2016.

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