Donald Trump: Making One’s Hair Stand On End

March 14, 2016 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Donald Trump: Making One’s Hair Stand On End

Gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia had had a strange dream overnight.

In the dream, she dreamed that she was in a radio station broadcast studio where U.S. Presidential candidate Donald Trump was making a guest appearance on the Coast-To-Coast AM radio show with George Noory.

The interview in the dream went like this:

George Noory: Now you have said on previous occasions that you considered running for President in 2012 against Barack Obama? The question I have for you is, why didn’t you do so?

Donald Trump: Well, George, I had seriously considered doing that. In fact I had decided to go ahead and do that. But then one night after a night of passionate love making with my current wife… who is… who is… who is…

George Noory (helping out) : Melania?

Donald Trump: Yes… Melania… thank you, George… yes after a night of wild passionate love making with… Melania… I was examining my hair in the mirror and then my hair started speaking to me in an audible voice…

George Noory: Wait a minute… let’s get this straight… you say, your hair started speaking to you in an audible voice?

Donald Trump: Yes, my hair started speaking to me in an audible voice… something which I found even more incredible than Oral Roberts seeing a 900-ft. Jesus after eating some wild mushrooms… I often wondered where he found a yardstick or a measuring tape long enough to measure him… but anyways, yes… my hair spoke to me in an audible voice.

George Noory: And what did your hair say to you?

Donald Trump: It told me not to run in 2012. It kept saying, “Wait until 2016. Wait until 2016.”

George Noory: Why 2016?

Donald Trump (unwrapping a fortune cookie and eating it on the air) : Because 2016 is the Year of the Monkey in the Chinese zodiac.

George Noory: Well so far this has been quite a hair raising interview with Donald Trump… we’ll be right back after this commercial message…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 14th

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Renfield Interviews Martin Sheen and Interrogates Prisoners At Guantanamo Bay

March 23, 2011 at 6:39 pm (Humour, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

CNN News Announcer: Due to the unsuccessful use of anesthetic at his dentist, Piers Morgan will not be hosting his show Piers Morgan Tonight tonight…

… instead an apparently famous individual from Britain whom I’ve never heard of before by the name of Renfield R. Renfield will be filling in as host tonight …

… Mr. Renfield would like me to say that if Charles Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall Lady Camilla are watching this program that Mr. Renfield would like a personal invitation to attend Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s wedding at Westminster Abbey next month…

… Mr. Renfield’s guest tonight on Piers Morgan Tonight without Piers Morgan is veteran actor Martin Sheen star of numerous TV shows and movies including The West Wing…

… and now here’s Mr. Renfield R. Renfield with Martin Sheen…

“So tell me, Martin,” Renfield grinned as he spoke, “how does it feel having a total nutcase for a son?”.

* * *

Later that evening Renfield R. Renfield arrived as a guest interrogator down at Guantanamo Bay.

Renfield had a well-deserved reputation as an interrogator in the intelligence community.

He had been asked on several occasions by both Scotland Yard and the CIA to get uncooperative prisoners to talk.

He had a 100% success rate.

Renfield arrived at Guantanamo Bay this evening sporting two huge black eyes as a TV interview he had had with Mr. Martin Sheen earlier in the evening hadn’t gone so well.

“The prisoners are tied up in their respective chairs and waiting for you,” said the CIA operative.

“Great,” Renfield smiled.

He put up a film screen and then inserted a DVD into the projector.

“And now gentlemen,” Renfield grinned, “may I present Miss Rebecca Black’s video Friday…”

The prisoners squirmed in their seats as Miss Black went through her respective and numerous Yeah-yeahs at the start of the song.

By the time Miss Black regaled them with her astounding lyrics “Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”, the prisoners started tossing their cookies they had eaten as a snack an hour before.

By the time Miss Black reached the lines “Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?”, the prisoners fell off their chairs.

Through the numerous repetitions of the lines “Partyin’ partyin’ (Yeah)” and “Fun, fun, fun, fun”, the prisoners were positively writhing in agony on the floor.

By the time Miss Black hit those brilliant lines of 21st Century literary prose “Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, Today i-is Friday, Friday (partyin’)” and “Tomorrow is Saturday, And Sunday comes after… wards, I don’t want this weekend to end”, the prisoners were screaming in unison that they wanted the video stopped.

Then when Miss Black reached the lines “It’s Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday”, the prisoners demanded they be allowed to tell the CIA operative everything he wanted to know.

* * *

“Another job well done,” the CIA operative said as he handed the freelance interrogator Renfield a cheque for $500,000 U.S.

* * *

As Renfield flew back home to London, he tuned in to Coast To Coast AM with George Noory on the plane radio.

“Tonight on Coast To Coast, another tale of alien abduction,” George Noory’s voice intoned, “yes, on tonight’s program… an ET alien makes the astounding claim that he was abducted… by Charlie Sheen…”

* * *

To be continued.

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