Hera and The Gangsters

March 1, 2021 at 11:39 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Ghost Story, Mythology, Plays, Romance, The Supernatural, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Greek goddess Hera starring in a 1930s Broadway play about gangsters

It was the decade of the 1930s.

And the Greek goddess Hera was honing her theatrical skills by starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.

It was dress rehearsal night – the evening before the official opening.

Hera was awaiting the arrival of the gangster boss Big Frank Malone.

A man came on stage wearing a fedora hat and gangster suit and carrying a big violin case.

Hera, speaking out of character, said, “You don’t look like John Barrymore to me.”

“I’m afraid John is a bit under the weather tonight,” the understudy replacement for John Barrymore replied.

“How many bottles did he have to drink today?” Hera asked.

“You know the real Barrymore obviously,” Dracul Van Helsing, who had time travelled from the future and was now playing the role of Big Frank Malone in this play about gangsters, replied.

“That’s funny,” the ghost of Orson Welles, who had likewise time travelled from the future, remarked as he sat in the front row, “I don’t ever recall John Barrymore starring in a play about gangsters.”

“He possibly drank before each performance and never made it to the stage,” Van Helsing noted.

“By Jove, I think you’re right,” Welles agreed.

“Please, don’t use one of my husband’s Roman names,” Hera stood up.

“I forgot,” Welles bowed, “I do apologize.”

Hera approached Van Helsing, “Well, Dracul, since you’ve come from the future to step in for the great John Barrymore, perhaps we can do an improvisational performance tonight.”

“And what improvisational performance did you have in mind?” Van Helsing inquired.

“How about making out here on the stage?” Hera smiled.

And Hera and Van Helsing did just that.

“Not again,” Welles’ ghost buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.

As Hera and Van Helsing made out, soon thunder and lightning flashed around the stage.

“And furthermore, I just would happen to be in the very theatre on the night the Greek god Zeus decided to attend a Broadway play,” Welles’ ghost sighed.

The next day a hangover stricken John Barrymore was asked what happened to the theatre as it lay in ruins.

“Well, I know people are once again going to say this was a hallucination brought on by too much drink on my part,” Barrymore commented, “but it was an angry and cuckholded Greek god Zeus who destroyed this theatre because his wife the Olympian queen Hera was making out with a mortal.”

The members of the New York press laughed and shook their heads.

And that was the reason history has no record of John Barrymore starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.

The ghost of radio announcer Paul Harvey appeared in front of the lightning produced charred ashes of the theatre and gave his usual radio show sign-off, “And now you know the rest of the story.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 1st
2021.

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Hera At Versailles

January 26, 2021 at 11:58 pm (Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, magic, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )


The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King

“So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.

In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.

“So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.

“Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.

“Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.

“One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.

“I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.

“Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.

And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.

He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.

The paper was then eaten by a poodle.

“I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.

He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.

The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.

Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.

Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.

“Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.

“You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”

“I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”

“Same here,” Van Helsing stated.

“Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.

“It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.

“And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.

“Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.

“I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.

“Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.

Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.

“Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”

At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.

As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.

Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.

Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.

Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.

“Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 26th
2021.

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Renfield, Franz Kohler, Van Helsing, Hera and Zeus On The 75th Anniversary of Hitler’s Death

April 30, 2020 at 9:54 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield, Franz Kohler, Van Helsing, Hera and Zeus On The 75th Anniversary of Hitler’s Death

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was being interviewed by an independent radio station in Great Falls, Montana.

“So, what do you think of New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio attacking New York’s Hasidic Jewish community in one of his tweets because so many people attended a rabbi’s funeral in Brooklyn?” The interviewer asked.

“Antisemitism can now be added to Bill de Blasio’s long list of inherent stupidities,” Renfield answered.

“Turning towards economics here in America, as millions of Americans are now losing their jobs as a result of the Coronavirus lockdown, the ultra-wealthy elite such as Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, Microsoft founder Bill Gates and Berkshire Hathaway’s Warren Buffett have made an extra $282 billion in just 23 days of the pandemic, what’s your comment on that?” Asked the Great Falls radio journalist.

“In any shitty situation, the super rich always seem to come up smelling like a rose while the rest of us find our bones and blood and tears and sweat mixed in with the rest of the huge amounts of fertilizer dumped on all the middle and lower strata of society,” Renfield replied.

“Is there a way out of this pandemic and what does the post pandemic world hold for us?” The journalist inquired.

“Well Doris Day sang the answer to that question a lot better than I ever could in her song Que Sera, Sera,” said Renfield, “but I will say this, if you honestly believe that a perfect world can be achieved by the likes of Bill Gates, Pope Francis, the Chinese Communist Party, John Kerry, Greta Thunberg, Michael Moore and the whole Transgender movement, you’re crazy.”

. . .

It was 75 years ago today that Nazi Germany’s Fuhrer Adolf Hitler committed suicide only hours after he married his mistress Eva Braun.

What numerous assassination attempts over the years failed to accomplish, marriage succeeded in doing in a few hours.

. . .

“Shit,” Herr Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau said upon hearing the news that Der Fuhrer was dead.

“What is it?” His assistant asked.

“Ironically, with my twisted sense of humour, I had hid the secret formula for Vril energy in a room in the British Museum in London,” Kohler’s tears fell into his sauerkraut, “And now that we’ve lost the war, the Allies may find it.”

. . .

The Greek goddess Hera was standing in a room in the British Museum listening to a jazz rehearsal.

It had come to her attention that two time travellers – Herr Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing – would be racing across the corridors of time to be the first to get to this room on this particular date in 1945.

Van Helsing was the first to arrive carrying his Houdini-Pantages-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern film projector which allowed him to time travel.

“Glad to see you’re the first to arrive, Van Helsing,” Hera smiled at him, “Care to make out?”.

As Van Helsing was busy making out with the Greek goddess Hera, a blue eyed white wolf belonging to the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka carried the secret formula for Vril energy back across time before the SS’ Herr Franz Kohler arrived on the scene.

Meanwhile in a London hotel dining room, the Greek god Zeus was enjoying a feast fit for a king when the ghost of William Shakespeare came up to him and whispered in his ear, “Thou has just been cuckholded.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday April 30th 
2020.

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Carnevale In Venice: Masque of The Dread Death

February 25, 2020 at 11:43 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Literature, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Carnevale In Venice: Masque of The Dread Death

Coronavirus spreads 
like jam on bread 
China, Iran, South Korea,
Northern Italy
Wide clusters of cases

Authorities decree 
no carnevale masque balls
In Venice 
The night before Ash Wednesday 
Thus Lent will arrive early for many

Mardi Gras in New Orleans
Parades and music 
Party goers dance 
Voodoo spells 
Driven away by sounds of jazz
Many dollars are spent on the French Quarter

In Canada, Shrove Tuesday
aka National Pancake Day
Justin Trudeau with 
post-Magical Mystery Tour pot smoke munchies 
eats two dozen pancakes 
covered in patriotic maple syrup 
Goes to give speech on how to end child hunger 
Ends up with a loss for words

But in Venice 
no joy on the canal
Coronavirus has come out

But the children of the night 
are natural rebels
Like wolves outside a Transylvanian nobleman’s castle 
What music they make

They put on masks
Ladies in lovely Renaissance style evening gowns
Men wearing white wigs 
And wearing Age of Louis XIV attire 
likewise mask themselves 

Rent gondolas
And sail canals of Venice 
In defiance of authorities
Dance on the streets

One son of Night 
wearing a New York Knicks
t-shirt walks around singing,
“I am what I am”
On his face he wears the Greek mask of Comedy
At the back of his head the Greek mask of Tragedy 

He goes up to people with his happy smiling laughing face
He touches them gently
They fall to ground dead
He walks away 
And you can see the sad crying unhappy face 

He goes into an elegant Venetian hotel 
And up to a room
Where he opens the door

And there is the Greek goddess Hera
The Queen of Olympus

Hera speaks,
Thanatos, son of Nyx,
You have turned a carnevale cruise 
into Charon’s ferry ride across the Styx.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 25th
2020.

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Hera At The French Presidential Palace

July 12, 2019 at 10:40 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Hera At The French Presidential Palace 

The Greek goddess Hera went and sat in a corner of the grand ballroom in the French Presidential Palace where her image was caught by a photographer who loved the beauty of old time black and white photography.

Hera was hoping to get away from French President Emmanuel Macron who seemed to be getting somewhat amorous with her.

He kept asking questions about her age and saying things like, “Surely as a Greek Olympian goddess, you’re far older than I am.”

She went to this corner of the grand ballroom far away from Macron’s lecherous looks.

The French President was currently unveiling an oil painting sent to him as a farewell present from British Prime Minister Theresa May who would be formally stepping down as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in another couple of weeks.

The painting had been purchased at and delivered by the world famous Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.

Macron got quite excited when he saw the name of the painting on the box in which it came- Portrait of A Cougar.

The whole ballroom could see the immense disappointment on the French President’s face when the painting was unveiled and it turned out to be a portrait of a puma mountain lion wildcat in the Canadian Rockies.

Hera had to laugh.

The Olympian goddess was soon approached by Set Enterprises’ spy and secret agent the 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger.

Being a goddess, she could see the invisible bunny rabbit (whereas most mortals couldn’t unless they had been drinking Harvey Wallbanger cocktails or if Harvey had turned his 1960s ViewMaster on).

“The goddess Isis informs me that you’re looking for Dracul Van Helsing,” Tallbanger bowed to the Olympic beauty.

Indeed Hera was.

She had just recently found out that her husband Zeus had flown several trips on Jeremy Epstein’s Lolita Express plane.

The goddess was so angered that she decided to turn to Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing for comfort.

Tallbanger told the goddess that Dracul Van Helsing was waiting for her in a large private booth in a quiet cafe along the Champs-Élysées.

Hera thanked the tall bunny rabbit secret agent, stood up and exited the French Presidential Palace.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Friday July 12th 
2019.

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Roast Basilisk In Hell’s Kitchen

April 19, 2019 at 10:43 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing flying the winged horse Pegasus had won the showdown in the Libyan desert with the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone and his rider the dark arts practicing Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai this past Wednesday.

The ghost of Howard Cosell had been on the scene doing commentary for the underworld based Baphomet Broadcasting Network until he succumbed to spectral laryngitis.

Qonzilqointec had doused the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone with Odour of Weasel Perfume sending the genetically recreated satanic beast plunging to its death in the desert sands.

The evil Jesuit Father Caiaphas bar Yochai had survived the fall due to the combination of basilisk venom and extra strong Starbucks dark roasted coffee he had imbibed prior to combat.

The evil priest was not to get off scott free however for Dracul Van Helsing had used the Sword of Saint George to stab the Baphomet worshipping cleric in his phallus.

After Dwayne the Rock Johnson arrived on the scene to declare Qonzilqointec and Dracul the winners, the couple flew off to the Queen Cleopatra Hotel in Alexandria where they spent an evening of tantric sex together.

Star Wars Star Troopers had arrived from Set Enterprises in London to return the basilisk’s body to Britain.

Father Caiaphas bar Yochai managed to catch an Uber ride with an Islamic State terrorist to Paris, France.

There the now swordless Jesuit looked up the ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis since she had previous experience in creating wooden phalluses having created one for her husband Osiris since that was the one part of his 14 missing body parts (after he was dismembered by their brother Set) that she was unable to find.

The American Jesuit priest Father James J. Martin SJ held a Requiem Mass for Father Caiaphas’ fleshly phallus as he had rather fond memories of it.

The basilisk’s body was delivered to Chef Gordon Ramsay and some of his previous winners on the TV program Hell’s Kitchen.

The Rothschilds and some of their business associates were holding a buffet luncheon dinner this Good Friday in London and thought roast basilisk would be just the thing.

Chef Gordon Ramsay and his Hell’s Kitchen crew were brought in to prepare it.

“It tastes like chicken,” one of the Rothschild associates remarked.

“That’s because basilisk is part rooster as well as part serpent,” Chef Gordon Ramsay explained.

Meanwhile the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was worried whether his company would face a law suit as his company’s chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was responsible for creating this basilisk that caused the fire at Notre Dame this past Monday April 15th 2019 when the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone (driven by the evil Father Caiaphas bar Yochai) breathed venomous fire on repair scaffolding at the cathedral.

However no one on the Paris scene suspected a basilisk as basilisks really hadn’t been around for the past 500 years until Dr. Cadbury Rocher recreated one.

Meanwhile over in France, the ancient Greek god Zeus was having a meeting with French President Emmanuel Macron.

“Monsieur le Presidente,” Zeus spoke impeccable French as he had spent the greater part of the Age of Louis XIV deflowering the loveliest of the French courtesans before the Sun King had the chance to do so, “you may not know this but Notre Dame was built over the site of a Temple of Jupiter. Jupiter was of course the name under which the ancient Romans worshipped me. So I was wondering if you could place a replica of my altar at Pergamum at the top of the new Notre Dame where the old spire and Cross used to be before it collapsed in the towering inferno.”

President Macron, who was busy mentally calculating the age of Zeus’ wife Hera and figuring that she must still be a pretty good looking woman judging from her statues, replied, “Why don’t we discuss this over souvlaki and ouzo?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 19th
2019.


The Greek goddess Hera: Still an extremely good looking woman

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