Pan Goatee’s Nightmare

August 28, 2016 at 3:00 pm (Comedy, Culture, Humour, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee’s Nightmare

Pan Goatee was having a nightmare. Everywhere he looked and everywhere he turned, there were ugly looking women. It would have been a nightmare equally shared by the most devoted professor of philosophy whose specialty was the study and promotion of aesthetics.

John Keats had once wrote that a thing of beauty was a joy forever. Well, there was no joy in Mudville (in this case, planet Earth). Good taste and grooming had struck out.

The genetically created satyr serial killer and contract assassin looked at his Breviary that he had taken from the body of a Roman Catholic priest beheaded by members of the so-called Islamic State.

He noticed that the Saint’s commemoration celebration on this day August 25th was the Commemoration of Saint Louis IX King of France and Crusader (April 25th 1215- August 25th 1270).

He was one Catholic Saint who was believed by many historians to have been personally gay (although he had 11 children by his wife Marguerite of Provence).

No doubt the Saint had had a prophetic vision of what the women of the world would look like on this date August 25th in the year 2016 and that was the final factor that so dramatically swung Saint Louis into the direction of being gay.

Pan Goatee called on the gods of Olympus for help.

Zeus, when he turned his eagle eye binoculars to the scene (the world on August 25th 2016), suffered a rare cardiac arrest for an immortal.

As Asclepius and Hermes performed C.P.R. on the supreme god of the Olympians, Hera directed that Freddy Krueger of Nightmare On Elm Street fame and Jason of Friday the 13th fame be sent as back up for the beleagured satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Zeus recovered after Asclepius used one of the supreme Olympian’s own thunderbolts on his Hippocrates brand defibrilllator machine.

“I’m becoming gay,” Zeus announced to a shocked Hera when he came to, “mortal women have become far too ugly for my liking. I’m going to have to wrestle my bi-sexual son Apollo in chasing after such handsome youths as Hyacinth.”

A homosexual Zeus would definitely throw the entire Cosmos off balance, Hera decided to herself, for such a horny and insatiable overly heterosexual sex addict such as Zeus to turn gay could be worse for the future existence of the universe than the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in the hands of a drunken otter who had drunk too much of Daniel’s Fine Tomatoed Buns Otter Brew Beer.

Desperate times require desperate measures, Hera decided.

Aphrodite was called upon to give Zeus the mother of all blow jobs.

As Aphrodite did so, Zeus’ sexual orientation was swung back a full 360 degrees as both Pythagoras and Sigmund Freud hastily took notes as they observed the spectacle.

Meanwhile on planet Earth on that Hellish date of August 25th 2016, Freddy Krueger had gouged out his own eyes with his long razor sharp fingernails because he could not bear the ugliness of the earthling women of that date.

After he had done so, he was invited by filmmaker Quentin Tarantino to audition for the role of Oedipus in a modern remake of the Greek myth that the writer and director was thinking of making.

Meanwhile Jason wearing a goalie mask had cut off his own head when he saw the ugliness of the women- a feat for which he was invited to audition for a new TV show in which Simon Cowell would be a judge- The Islamic State’s Got Talent.

Pan Goatee meanwhile was reaching for the nuclear button in the White House. The satyr had reached the drastic conclusion that the only way the beauty of the universe could be saved is if he blew planet Earth to Kingdom Come.

Pan Goatee pushed the button as Barack Obama inwardly sobbed, “Why did he do that just before my order of Little Caesar’s Pizza was about to arrive at the White House?”.

The earth was blown to Kingdom Come.

The voice of Rod Serling (host of The Twilight Zone and Night Gallery) could be heard above the roar of the atomic mushroom cloud making a shredded cabbage cole slaw out of planet Earth:

“For that, Mr. Pan Goatee, Darth Vader thanks you.
Hillary Clinton doesn’t.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 25th 2016

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Haiku About Pegasus and The Walrus’ Talk of Many Things

October 26, 2015 at 7:11 pm (Literature, Mythology, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Pegasus and The Walrus’ Talk of Many Things

Walrus time not come
Sea not hot nor pigs can fly
but a horse has wings

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The Son of Medusa On Mother’s Day

May 11, 2014 at 3:46 pm (Horror, Poetry) (, , , , , , , )

The Son of Medusa On Mother’s Day

It was Mother’s Day
and he was the son of Medusa
His mother was a witch
She turned people to stone
As stony as her heart
He never felt as alone in the world
As he did on Mother’s Day
Such was the fate of the Son of Medusa.

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Narcissis

December 29, 2013 at 4:07 pm (Commentary, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , )

If the Greek mythological character of Narcissis was a real person and alive in today’s world, he’d be in perpetual orgasm with all the selfies he could take on his smart phone.

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Haiku About Unlucky Consumer Medusa The Gorgon

November 21, 2013 at 7:28 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About Unlucky Consumer Medusa The Gorgon

Medusa Gorgon
must always replace iPhone
when she takes selfie

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Renfield’s Lottery Ticket

September 13, 2013 at 9:29 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Lottery Ticket

 

 

 

The Greek vampire Zeus had a problem on his hands.

 

 

Ever since Cerberus had abandoned his guard post on the River Styx, hundreds of thousands of ghosts had fled the Underworld of Hades and were now causing havoc on the Earth above.

 

 

Zeus had even received a nasty email from the President of the World Atheist Association threatening legal action and complaining that many of his members were undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having to re-evaluate their belief in the non-existence of the afterlife.

 

 

The trouble had been caused millennia ago by a boast that his brother Hades had made to his brother Poseidon.

 

 

The pair had been discussing mortal lotteries and Hades had boasted that there was one series of numbers  that no mortal would ever pick.

 

 

Poseidon had disagreed.

 

 

And Hades said if any mortal picked them, then quote, “May my loyal faithful  Cerberus abandon his post on the River Styx and the souls of the departed depart the Underworld.”

 

 

No mortal had picked them until the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had done so.

 

 

The numbers entered his mind shortly after he had gunned down a pompous arrogant American millionaire as the latter was entering a Rolls-Royce limousine outside a London restaurant.

 

The only way the decree of Hades could be reversed was if the said mortal would reverse the numerals of each two digit number he used in his lottery pick and play those numbers.

 

 

 

However the said Renfield kept winning £300 a week by playing those numbers and was unlikely to stop playing those numbers while he was on a roll (like so much golden butter).

 

 

 

 

And so the Greek vampire Zeus spent the past while pulling his hair and beard out while he tried to think up a solution.

 

 

Not relishing a future as a bald and beardless vampiric immortal (fearing this might put an end to his ability to attract mortal women and end his Bill Clintonesque and Jack Kennedyesque style dalliances with them),  he turned to his daughter the Greek vampiress Athena for advice as she always seemed to be full of wisdom.

 

 

 

 

Athena suggested that Zeus send Aphrodite to work her charms on Renfield for as Athena pointed out quoting Vincent Price,  “For no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller.”

 

 

The Thriller was the nickname given to Aphrodite among the gods of Olympus.

 

 

 

The “evil of the Thriller” was the euphemism given to Aphrodite’s sensual charms among the goddesses of Olympus.

 

 

 

 

 

  * * *

 

 

 

 

And it came to pass that Aphrodite went unto Renfield R. Renfield to convince him to reverse the digits of some of his numerals on his winning lottery ticket that he had been using the past month.

 

 

And what transpired when the sensual vampiress Aphrodite came unto Renfield as the Boney M. lyrics Nightflight To Venus played in the background?

 

 

 

Well to sum it up in one sentence as Great Caesar’s ghost put it when he saw it,  “She came, he saw, he came, she conquered.”

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Friday September 13th 2013

 

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Haiku About Cerberus

September 7, 2013 at 4:01 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , )

At The River Styx

Guard dog Cerberus’ 3 heads

Hades’ high dog food bill

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Haiku Inspired By Greek Mythology

August 24, 2013 at 5:16 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , , , )

Haiku Inspired By Greek Mythology

Medusa Gorgon
having really bad hair day
used snake oil shampoo

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Napoleon’s 244th Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great

August 15, 2013 at 6:19 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Napoleon’s 244th  Birthday and The Ghosts of Antiochus Epiphanes and Alexander The Great

As ghosts continued to leave Hades by the thousands after Cerberus abandoned his post at the River Styx (the 3-headed dog was currently frolicking on a Mexican beach drinking Mexican Bulldogs which was a combination of Margarita and Corona beer and then complaining about the bill since all 3 heads were imbibing) , the ghost of Antiochus Epiphanes was walking the streets of Damascus and looking at all the carnage and said, “Well if people really want, I’ll gladly become King of Syria again.”

At the moment he spoke those words,  a small but powerful tremor shook the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

                 .            .             .

At the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, the ghosts of Alexander The Great, his generals and his soldiers had taken over the facility.

For Alexander being the great genius he was with his strategic frame of mind and tactical insight had realized that by taking over the CERN Large Hadron Collider, he could make himself the Master of Time and thus the Master of the Universe.

                  .            .            .

The ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte had taken over Magog Rhys Petley’s hotel room in Cairo much to the British Labour MP’s displeasure.

Magog had gone out to see what cheap souvenirs he could pick up at the neighbourhood bazaar.

Napoleon decided to mark his 244th birthday which was today by having a bunch of harem style dancing girls dancing for him in the hotel room.

He had also ordered a cake personally baked for him by world famous Toronto Ontario based cake maker Joanna Lo the Caking Girl (made in the shape of the City of Paris) .

He also had 244 candles placed on the cake by one of the dancing girls and then another dancing girl (with a low-cut top)  bent over to light them all.

Napoleon’s ghost then made a wish (which was to rule the world) and then tried to blow out all 244 candles.

But seeing as how Napoleon was now spirit, he could not blow out physical objects.

A huge fire broke out in the hotel room.

                      .          .           .

Authorities blamed the hotel fire on the Muslim Brotherhood and used that as an excuse for rounding up and arresting more members.

Magog consoled himself by licking the lovely yet slightly singed breasts of a beautiful woman who said her breasts were singed when she had to light 244 candles on a birthday cake.

To be continued.

– A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Thursday August 15th
 2013.

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Magog Meets Napoleon’s Ghost

August 9, 2013 at 11:20 pm (The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Magog Meets Napoleon’s Ghost

Since representatives of the Egyptian Army, interim government and Muslim Brotherhood all refused to meet Magog Rhys Petley, he decided to do the touristy thing and go see the Pyramids.

It was night time and the pyramids were illuminated by great searchlights.

Starlight appeared and a radio playing Nat King Cole singing Stardust could be heard in the distance.

There was a small cloud overhead and moonlight was breaking through the cloud.

Magog turned and saw a spectral figure resembling Napoleon Bonaparte.

“I am the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte,” the figure spoke.

“Of course you are,” Magog sighed.

Gosh he was running into a lot of weird people this year.

“I was able to leave the Underworld of Hades because Cerberus abandoned his post for some reason, ” Napoleon explained.

“Of course he did,” Magog opened a bottle of Scotch whisky and started drinking from the bottle.

“As I was crossing the River Styx, the Greek Vampire Apollo appeared to me and said I was to give you advice on ruling the world,”  Napoleon pulled his hand out from under his jacket.

“Of course he did,” Magog’s eyes glazed  over into oblivion, “the Olympian’s knowledge of history doesn’t extend until the Battle of Waterloo in 1815?”.

“His directive confused me too,” Napoleon admitted, “especially since I drank a lot of water from the Underworld’s River of Forgetfulness the  River Lethe and so subsequently my memory isn’t what it used to be.”

“No of course not, ”  Magog finished the bottle of whisky and started to loudly sing,  “Some enchanted evening you will meet a stranger… a very special stranger…”

“So I’ve returned to Egypt to meet you since you were here,” Napoleon reached his hand under his jacket again and pulled out a bottle of French brandy,  “plus it’s also 215 years ago this month that I lost the Battle of the Nile to that little English pipsqueak Nelson so I’ve returned to this land of my first major defeat.”

“That was August 1798 wasn’t it?” Magog recalled his schoolboy history lessons.

“Maybe this will help restore my memory,” Napoleon drank from the bottle of Brandy,  “the antidote to the waters of the River Lethe.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 9th 2013

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