Amadeus Gets A Cheesecake and Renfield Gets Walloped

May 11, 2016 at 5:39 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Gets A Cheesecake and Renfield Gets Walloped

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in a London tea shop with the New Orleans songstress and stage actress vampiress Angelique Dumont.

“I hear this stage magician Salaman the Magician puts on a wonderful show,” Angelique said reading a review in one of the London entertainment weeklies.

“He does,” Amadeus nodded, “I saw him a couple of weeks ago. I’m still totally mystified as to how he does his tricks. Like nothing I’ve ever seen.
Even better than Houdini, David Copperfield and Criss Angel in my opinion.”

“You saw Salaman the Magician?” Angelique raised an eyebrow, “By yourself?”.

“No, I was with Dulcinea Lucia,” Amadeus replied.

“The gypsy fortune teller?” Angelique raised her other eyebrow.

“That’s right,” Amadeus nodded again.

“You went on a date with Dulcinea Lucia?” Angelique glared at Amadeus.

“That is correct,” Amadeus put some honey in his tea.

“But I thought you and I were an item,” Angelique’s face flushed as red as her rouge red lipstick and her dinner the night before.

“I didn’t know we were an item,” Amadeus Emanon looked as surprised as a child’s face on Christmas morning.

“You didn’t know we were an item?” Angelique grabbed a piece of cheesecake off a passing waiter’s tray and shoved it in Amadeus’ face.

“Speaking of items, I didn’t know cheesecake was on the menu,” Amadeus wiped the cheesecake off his face.

. . .

In another corner of the tea shop, Renfield R. Renfield had his eyes on a very attractive woman wearing a green evening dress.

Renfield had recently been advised by his co-worker and fellow employee at Set Enterprises Dr. Cadbury Rocher that he needed to be more subtle in his approach with women.

Not to come on so strong.

Renfield decided to try this new approach that he had never before attempted.

So he walked past the woman and sang in a loud operatic style baritone voice, “Birds do it, bees do it, even dogs and trees do it…”

Purses apparently do it as well.

Because Renfield found himself clobbered over the head with the woman’s rather heavy purse and found himself lying on the floor with the woman in the green evening dress stepping over him and leaving the restaurant.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 10th
2016.

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Renfield’s Mysterious Client

April 25, 2016 at 7:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield’s Mysterious Client

As Amadeus Emanon ate his 33rd apple turnover and pondered an invitation from a friend to join the Freemasons, Renfield R. Renfield was eating a tuna fish sandwich.

“It looks like we may have to replace the weigh scale in the bathroom,” Amadeus stated.

“Why’s that?” Renfield asked.

“For some reason it broke when I stepped on it this morning,” Amadeus licked the icing off his fingers.

“That is strange,” Renfield picked up his copy of The Times of London and started reading about a mysterious new elephant appearing on the streets of London and yet there were no reports of an escape from the London Zoo.

“So I hear someone has hired you to do a hit job,” Amadeus opened his box of 3 dozen chocolate eclairs from the bakery.

“That’s right,” Renfield grinned, “I’m to track down the person or persons responsible for leaking the Panama Papers and to bump them off.”

“Who hired you?” Amadeus was starting to wonder why his belt was feeling so tight this evening.

“I’m sorry,” Renfield shook his head, “Under the terms of client/assassin confidentiality and privilege, I’m not allowed to reveal that information to you.”

“Oh,” Amadeus started licking the chocolate off his fingers.

“So I hear you’ve got a date with Dulcinea Lucia to go see a stage magician later this week,” Renfield said as a large chip and green monster appeared on his shoulder.

“That’s right,” Amadeus used a napkin to wipe the chocolate off his chin.

“So how come that sexy gypsy fortune teller always goes on dates with you but never with me?” Renfield’s face started turning as green as the grass at the height of spring.

“She says that you’re a hypersexualized serial adulterer,” Amadeus answered.

“Really?” Renfield was shocked, “I remember a few years ago some woman on my Facebook page accused me of being a hypersexualized serial adulterer.”

“Well, there you go,” Amadeus took a sip of chocolate milk.

“I wonder if there’s any truth to that,” Renfield pondered the question.

“No idea,” Amadeus shrugged.

Renfield went over to the living room bookshelf and took out the volume called Sigmund Freud’s Posthumously Written Dictionary of Post-Modern Psychiatric Conditions and looked up the term Hypersexualized Serial Adulterer and noticed his (Renfield’s) own photo alongside the definition of the term.

“Find it?” Amadeus inquired.

“Yes,” Renfield angrily sat down at the living room table and pouted.

“I wonder what the name of that magician is that Dulcinea Lucia wants me to see,” Amadeus finished his 36th chocolate eclair.

“No fucking idea,” Renfield fumed.

“Excuse me, sir,” Athelstan the butler and valet entered the living room and spoke to Renfield, “but there’s a call for you from 10 Downing Street on the secure phone line in the study.”

“Oh,” Renfield ran with great haste to the study.

“Hm,” Amadeus reached for his bucket of KFC as he was growing tired of having eaten nothing but sweets all day, “I wonder what 10 Downing Street is calling Renfield about.”

One of the world’s great mysteries.

Like how they get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar Amadeus thought to himself as he eyed the Caramilk chocolate bar Renfield had left behind on the table.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 25th
2016.

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Dulcinea Lucia And The Vatican Cardinal

September 19, 2015 at 6:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Dulcinea Lucia And The Vatican Cardinal

The gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia lay on the sofa in the living room of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

She had no cab fare to get home.

Renfield R. Renfield had invited her over to give him a private fortune telling reading.

It turned out that he wanted her to examine more than his palms.

So she had hit him over the head with an ancient clay tablet that listed the sexual escapades of the Greek god Zeus.

It had knocked Renfield out- probably for the next several hours.

In the meantime, she hoped either Amadeus Emanon or Athelstan the butler or some other person more civilized than Renfield (including the vampire Set who was best known for bodily dismembering his brother Osiris) would get home to the mansion soon to give her cab fare to get home to her own home.

She lay on the sofa in the low-cut red mini dress that Renfield had requested she’d wear for this occasion.

She fell asleep.

And dreamed a dream.

In the dream, she saw the Vatican Cardinal Walter Kasper whom she had once seen in a television interview.

In the dream, Cardinal Kasper did a little dance and sang to the tune of Monty Python’s Lumberjack Song,

“Oh, I’m a heretic and I’m okay
I read my Bible the Raymond Brown way
Don’t take it seriously, it just don’t pay
‘Till you get ’round to Judgement Day…”

Dulcinea Lucia was awakened by a sudden clap of thunder and flash of lightning.

She then heard Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan walk in through the door.

Renfield could be heard mumbling to himself as he lay on the floor, “Did anybody get the license plate number of that white swan?”.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 18th
2015.

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Dulcinea Lucia’s Dream of Caesar Augustus

August 5, 2015 at 6:40 pm (Art, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Dulcinea Lucia’s Dream of Caesar Augustus

To sleep, perchance to dream was Hamlet’s wish
before Death was served to Denmark’s Royal Family on a dish.
In London in the year 2015
63rd in the reign of the current Queen
The calendar of the year had now moved to the month of August
like Marlon Brando’s moonlit tea house but I digress
And so on this hot steamy August night
as Bavarian steaks succumbed to dog bite
Dulcinea Lucia was finding it hard to sleep
She even failed at counting sheep
This lovely beautiful gypsy
alluring and sexy
who passed Pan Goatee’s test for feminine artistry
tossed and turned like the waves of the sea
no such cooling relief in London’s dry docks- a pity!

She finally got up and went to the shower
where her body inhaled the water like bee does pollen on a flower
She was now all wet
like a mermaid in the net
She did not bother to dry herself off
She fell on the bed, wet and nude, and said, “Mazel Tov.”
The incubus of dreams mounted her like a descending dove
bringing her dreams and visions from muses above.

She dreamed of the statue called Augustus of Prima Porta
Was it a weird bizarre dream for one to have? Sorta.
The statue was found in 1863
in a classical villa in Italy
It was found at the Villa of Livia at Prima Porta near Rome
so some distance from Saint Peter’s Dome
The villa belonged to Caesar Augustus’ third wife Livia Drusilla
a woman who lived before the invention of the birth control pill-a
which would have helped her nymphomaniac stepdaughter some
whose adultery certainly would have topped that of a Kardashian bum.

The Augustus of Prima Porta is now found in the Vatican Museums
a place no longer frequented by Irish Liams
banned for drinking way too much pints of Guinness
when they should have been tending to curator business.

Dulcinea in her dream noticed the statue come to life
Back in her day, it would have frightened Livia his wife
for there were rumours that Livia had bumped her husband off
historians ask- was it poisoned figs that did him in or just a bad cough?

The statue walked off its pedestal
which shocked a visitor from Istanbul
Said Augustus- this is my month, it’s August
and I see urbi et orbi have gone to rust
So I’ve decided to come back
and give imperial rule another crack.

The small Cupid at Augustus’ feet
found Emperor’s coming to life again rather neat
since both claimed descent from Venus
the goddess who aroused Paris’ penis,
Cupid shouted after Augustus, hey big brother, wait for me!
And the dolphin, on which Cupid rode, swam away to the sea.

-A narrative poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 2nd
2015.

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Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show

July 11, 2015 at 5:00 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show

KRTV Channel 3 Announcer: Live from Great Falls, Montana, it’s the Russell Charlie Show and now here’s our host… Russell Charlie.

(A man wearing a 10 gallon tan cowboy hat, purple leather vest, cowboy tie, denim jeans and leather cowboy boots strolls on to the stage waving his hat and waving his hands)

Russell Charlie: Howdy y’all, ladies and gentlemen. How ya doing?

(Audience shouts in unison, “We’re great, Rusty!”. Rusty of course being Russell Charlie’s nickname)

Rusty: Today, of course, we have a special guest who’s come all the way from Washington, D.C. …

(Audience starts booing)

Rusty: Now, we must be hospitable. After all that’s the way of the Great American West. We give you food, give you drink and then we’ll plug you full of holes with our six shooters.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: Washington D.C. is of course the town where rodeos go all year round… they’re always throwing the bull.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: And today our special guest from Washington D.C. is not a politician…

(Audience cheers)

Rusty: He’s a serial killer who currently works as a contract hired assassin for the U.S. government… Ladies and gentlemen… I give you…Mr. Pan Goatee.

(The audience cheers, applauds and gives a standing ovation as the genetically created half-man half- goat satyr with furry goats’ legs and hooves comes on stage)

(Pan Goatee waves at the audience, gives Rusty a big hug and then sits down in one of the chairs reserved for the show’s guests)

Rusty (looking at Pan Goatee’s very furry legs): Those are quite the pair of chaps you’re wearing.

Pan Goatee (looking down with pride at his furry legs) : Thanks. They’re actually real.

Rusty: You mean to say that your legs are actually that hairy?

Pan Goatee: Yes, they are.

Rusty: Well, eat my ten gallon hat and then spit it out again. What did your mother feed you as a baby- Budweiser beer laced with testosterone?

Pan Goatee: Well according to a gypsy fortune telling reading I got in London by a gypsy fortune teller who read her crystal ball, her tarot cards, my tea leaves and my furry palms, I was not born in the regular manner. I was genetically created in a research lab somewhere in England by a sanity-challenged scientist and then I was lost shortly after my test-tube birth.

Rusty: Well, that explains everything then. Because if you had said you’d been fed by your mother with Budweiser beer laced with testosterone as a baby and furthermore if you had said you had been breast fed with that formula, I would have asked where I could get my hands on such a magnificent pair of knockers.

(Audience laughs)

Pan Goatee: No, according to the gypsy fortune teller, I was created by this sanity-challenged scientist using a combination of human DNA – which of course explains my upper body torso- goat DNA – which explains my furry legs and also hooves for feet- and yeti abominable snowman DNA- which explains my homicidal tendencies as well as my ability to astral project.

Rusty: Wow. You can actually astral project? Cool.

Pan Goatee: Yes, I can astral project.

Rusty: I tried to astral project myself once after reading one of those AMORC California Rosicrucian Order pamphlets but the furthest I got was to the outhouse.

Pan Goatee: Really?

Rusty: Yes and since my astral body didn’t really have to relieve itself, that really didn’t do me much good.

(Audience laughs)

Rusty: Now if I could have just made it as far as the whore house up the road, I could really have seen what my astral body might be capable of.

Pan Goatee: Tantric sex can get pretty wild when you start using your astral bodies.

Rusty: Really?

Pan Goatee: Oh yes. (crosses his legs to cover up his erection as he subconsciously recalls a recent experience)

Rusty: Now I understand you appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine a month before Pope Francis did.

Pan Goatee: That’s right. I did. So stick that in your thurible incense burner and smoke it, Pope Francis.

(The audience, many of whom had invested in the oil and gas industry, applauded vigorously)

Rusty: Now I understand it was reality TV star and singer Tila Tequila who interviewed you on behalf of Rolling Stone magazine?

Pan Goatee: Yes, it was. As you know her door swings both ways and so after the interview she and I and a Japanese-American porn actress named Akira Lane had a ménage a trois in a penthouse atop a Beverly Hills hotel- the same room where they filmed the 1990 Julia Roberts-Richard Gere movie Pretty Woman.

Rusty: Really?

Pan Goatee: Yes, unbeknownst to the three of us, that mischievous shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield from England secretly videotaped our bedroom escapades and then projected them onto a screen that Al Gore was using as a backdrop to a speech he was giving on the man-made causes of global warming.

Rusty (astounded): Really?

Pan Goatee: Yes it was probably that particular lecture that served as a major subconscious factor in Al Gore’s decision not to seek the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2016.

Rusty: Now in that Rolling Stone interview with Tila Tequila, you described yourself as the most intelligent serial killer in history. What led you to that conclusion?

Pan Goatee: Well of course that’s something I say with all due modesty and humility. I am the most intelligent serial killer in history.

Rusty : And on what basis did you reach that humble modest conclusion?

Pan Goatee: Well when you take a look at the history of serial killers and particularly look at photos of their female victims, they killed a lot of beautiful women. Of course when I was just a young pup or a young kid to be more accurate- just fresh out of the genetics lab test tube (according to my gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia’s tarot card reading of my past), I was quite young and naive. I must admit I did kill beautiful women (and beautiful men as well) when I first began my serial killing hobby which I found a lot more interesting than stamp collecting.

Rusty: And then something happened?

Pan Goatee: Yes, I had an epiphany. An epiphany of what it means to be a practitioner of the philosophy of aesthetics. The same epiphany that the Crown Prosecutor in the criminal trial of Oscar Wilde must have experienced when he asked Wilde on the witness stand why he didn’t kiss the waiter in the hotel and Oscar Wilde replied, “Because he was too ugly.”

Rusty: So what was the nature of this epiphany?

Pan Goatee: The thought came to me out of the blue while I was reading Nietzsche on the differences between Apollonian and Dionysian religion. This thought like a voice from Mount Olympus said to me, “What are you doing killing beautiful women?” There are already too little beautiful women in the world and too many ugly women. Womanhood in the 21st Century have allowed their looks to go to pot as a result of the efforts of that obnoxious bitch Oprah Winfrey in her so-called self-help and so-called self-esteem confidence building TV shows saying that ugly women should just be themselves- a more offensive piece of advice I cannot recall if I may be allowed to paraphrase that most beloved and wisest of all American letter carriers and U.S. postal employees Norman Newman.

(The audience in the Great Falls television studio gives Pan Goatee a standing ovation over his last remark)

Pan Goatee: So then I started strictly killing ugly women as a result of that Nietzchean- Apollonian- Oscar Wildean epiphany.

Rusty: And if I may quote a psychiatrist, how did that make you feel?

Pan Goatee (grinning): Wonderful.

(Audience applauds and cheers)

Pan Goatee: And thus it came to pass that I stopped killing beautiful women… and killed only ugly women… thus making me the most intelligent serial killer in history.

(He holds up his membership card in MENSA as audience applauds)

Pan Goatee: Yes, after all according to the Georgia Guidestones Commandments that were erected in Elbert County, Georgia 35 years ago, the First Commandment says words to the effect that we shall not have a human population above 500 million on the planet so that we can live forever in perfect balance and harmony with nature and Mother Earth Gaia. Only when that happens will we finally have achieved Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s Omega Point.

Rusty: Chardin? Is that the French fashion designer who invented the bubble dress?

Pan Goatee: No, he was a French Jesuit priest, scientist and philosopher who thought we’d all become gods someday.

Rusty: I see. I once met a Mormon missionary who told me much the same thing.

Pan Goatee: Anyways since according to the Georgia Guidestones Commandments, we’re going to have to eliminate 6.5 billion people… although personally I think we should make it 6.6 billion since I think that’s a more nifty sounding number… then why shouldn’t we include ugly women in that 6.6 billion figure? After all, ugly women… well they’re ugly . So I say get rid of them.
If we’re going to have to eliminate 6.6 billion people, there’s no reason why we can’t also beautify the planet while we’re doing so and make this earth a much more enjoyable place to live. So I say, let’s start reducing the population by getting rid of the ugly women first.

(Shouts of “Amen” and “You got it brother” and “Pastor Rick Warren should invite you to speak at Saddleback Church” are heard coming from members of the audience)

Pan Goatee: So, I say our mantra should be…

… Way hey, ho- ho
ugly women have got to go…

(Audience breaks into shouts of “Way hey, ho-ho, ugly women have got to go”)

Rusty: Well, I see the show’s producer is signaling to me from the booth that we’re out of time… so thanks for being our guest today Pan and hopefully you’ll be back soon…

Pan Goatee (smiling and enjoying the audience’s standing ovation): It’s been my pleasure, Rusty. Perhaps you’ll teach me how to fire a real western six-shooter someday since I’ve always wanted to learn ever since I saw my first John Wayne movie.

(The show’s repulsively ugly looking female producer is signaling to the guy at the control switch to turn off transmission from the studio cameras that are panning in on the cheering and standing ovation audience. But seeing as how the guy at the control switch is wearing a blindfold so he doesn’t have to look at the female producer’s ugly face, he is unable to see the signal and the transmission is not cut)

-A screenplay
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 5th
2015.

Kill all fucking ugly women!
And may they burn in Hell forever!
-Pan Goatee in his unpublished work on the environment and earth beautification
Earth and Apollonian Beauty In The Balance: Going Beyond Al Gore and Oprah Winfrey

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The Dream of Dulcinea Lucia

June 30, 2015 at 11:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Dream of Dulcinea Lucia

Dulcinea Lucia had had an eventful day.

The gypsy crystal ball reader who had her own psychic reading shop on London’s Carnaby Street had been given a replica statue of Neb-Senu as a gift earlier today.

Neb-Senu had been an Egyptian statue in a Manchester museum that had supposedly come to life a couple of years ago and had allegedly moved on its pedestal in its case in the museum.

For some reason, being given the replica statue had reminded her of a mysterious client that had come to her for a psychic reading a couple of years ago.

The man who came to her shop had the hairiest legs (for he had been wearing Bermuda shorts) and the hairiest palms (for she had also done a palm reading for him) that she had ever seen.

He had called himself Pan Goatee.

(For more background on the relationship between Neb-Senu and Pan Goatee please read

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2013/06/27/the-moving-statue/

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/pan-goatee-and-neb-senu/

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2013/07/07/pan-goatee-and-neb-senu-in-bethlehem/

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2013/08/07/magog-rhys-petley-and-pan-goatee/

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2013/08/08/the-mummy-the-wolfman-and-the-serial-killer/

After receiving the gift, Dulcinea Lucia had gone to a London art gallery with a friend to gaze at portrait paintings of various historical and mythological figures from history.

But now the incredibly sexy dark eyed and raven haired gypsy beauty lay in bed in her London apartment and drifted off to sleep where her mind was filled with images she had seen during the day.

She then dreamed a dream.

In her dream, she saw the Byzantine Emperor Justinian standing on the steps of the Lenin Mausoleum in Red Square shaking hands with a smiling and grinning resurrected Lenin.

She later found herself on Panepistimiou Street in Athens where she saw Mammon the ancient Babylonian god of banking and commerce pulling the plug on a toilet in the Bank of Greece while the Germanic god Wotan looked on approvingly.

She then stood on the Acropolis where she saw Vladimir Putin standing at the top of the steps to the Acropolis with his arms totally outstretched in a Cross like fashion.

Even though Dulcinea Lucia recognized the figure as Putin, he was also wearing the beard and the Byzantine like robes of Christ that she had seen in certain Russian Orthodox icons.

A figure resembling Karl Marx (though he looked more like a combination of Marx and the bearded Greek god Zeus) fell at the Putin-Christ’s feet and then kissed the Putin-Christ’s right hand and said, “My Lord and my God.”

“Behold the Saviour of the Greeks,” a figure below the hill of the Acropolis shouted.

The figure was none other than Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras.

A large crowd of people waving Syriza and Communist banners cheered behind him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 30th
2015

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