Jack O’ Hare Meets Mr. Ed The Talking Horse
Gwen with Mr. Ed the Talking Horse
Jack O’ Hare was playing with a telegraph set practicing his Morse
When those Halloween X-Solar flares unleashed a powerful force
And sent him hurtling through space-time wildly off course
Back to the time of Mr. Ed the Talking Horse
Asked Jack, “Are you Mr. Ed the Talking Horse?
Replied the noble equine, “Of course! Of course! Of course!”.
“And who are you?” Jack asked the fair maiden,
“Gwen Conliffe,” she said on night when moon wasn’t fadin,
Then she added,
“Even a man who is pure in heart
And says his prayers at night
Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
And the autumn moon is bright.”
In the distance Larry Talbot’s tormented soul howled
And in far off tracks of Talbot estate one lone wolf growled.
“Tis Halloween,” said Jack as space-time went off course,
“The only time of year,” said Mr. Ed, “where you’ll meet a talking horse.”
-A poem written by Christopher
Friday October 29th 2021.
100 More Days Till Halloween…
“This is Jack Anderson at Terror 97 FM in London- the radio station that keeps you in stitches – a la style of Dr. Victor Frankenstein’s creation. This just in from Canada… Earlier today genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee slew two more ugly women in a Dollarama store in Calgary. And now here’s Air Supply singing their coming Halloween hit Two Less Ugly People In The World…”
. . .
There was a state of excitement prevailing in the Vatican among the city state’s wide assortment of Jesuit priests for word had come to pass that the demon Baphomet was going to address them at A Come As You Are convention in the Vatican Sauna Steam Bath House named Hyacinth Sizzles Apollo’s Swizzle Stick.
Meanwhile in the Papal Apartments, Pope Francis was consulting with one of his leading theological advisors Walter Cardinal Kasper.
“Your Unholiness,” Kasper addressed Bergoglio by his most appropriate title, “a group of flying saucer UFOs containing 6.66 feet tall T-Rex ET reptilians have landed within the walls of the Vatican.”
“What for?” Francis asked as he licked a Spartan Greek popsicle.
“We’re not sure,” Kasper answered.
. . .
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had been hiding inside a tomb in London’s Highgate Cemetery ever since British MP Renfield R. Renfield publicly called for the 10 Downing Street occupant’s assassination this past Wednesday.
The colourful and controversial MP had issued the assassination call after the Zombie Nosferatu Tory Prime Minister (whose forehead had been etched with the words I AM AN APOSTLE OF THE ANTICHRIST in red felt ink) announced this past Wednesdy that he intended to introduce a vaccine passport in Britain next month.
Bishop Sean Manchester the traditionalist Old Catholic Church Bishop of Glastonbury and a leading exorcist was walking around the cemetery amidst reports that a vampire was once again haunting the cemetery for the first time in 51 years.
As Johnson sat inside the tomb with sweat on his forehead, the ghost of Karl Marx (looking well roasted) appeared alongside him and asked him, “How’s it going?”.
. . .
Yaldabaoth the Irish Leprechaun was in Highgate Cemetery eating cold mutton sandwiches and drinking Guinness beer.
He was listening to Terror 97 FM London on his old 1970s style transistor radio.
The radio was playing a commercial and a Halloween holiday jingle, “100 more days till Halloween… Silver Shamrock.”
A hand holding a silver shamrock suddenly appeared out of the ground near the old gravestone where Yaldabaoth was having his evening picnic totally freaking the wee leprechaun out.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 23rd
2021.
It’s The Great Pumpkin, Headless Horseman!
The talking and singing black zombie horse Bucephalus Reborn, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun and his pet pterodactyl Hovering Voyeurius Over Raquelis Welchius were in Sleepy Hollow having hoped to meet the Great Pumpkin this past Friday night.
Sadly the Great Pumpkin was held up at the U.S. border by ICE officials.
He was put into a cage and had to undergo a test for Covid-19.
Dr. Anthony Fauci was brought in to conduct the test himself.
Dr. Fauci determined that the Great Pumpkin was indeed positive for Covid-19.
However due to the large amount of crying and wailing children outside the ICE compound on the Ontario-New York Canada-U.S.border, 100 doctors from the Center For Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia were brought in to test the Great Pumpkin.
All 100 doctors determined that the Great Pumpkin was negative for Covid-19.
ICE decided to release the Great Pumpkin on this night October 11th.
The Great Pumpkin then headed south to the village of Sleepy Hollow.
Last evening October 10th as they were in their room in the Rip Van Winkle Inn, the 4 visitors to Sleepy Hollow mentioned in the first paragraph watched on their room’s TV set an interview between the ghost of TV talk show host Merv Griffin and the ghost of noted writer, director and actor Orson Welles which was being shown on the Paranormal Channel.
Yesterday October 10th 2020 was the 35th anniversary of the death of Orson Welles (Welles having died on October 10th 1985).
Welles’ ghost was currently serving as an advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the ghost of Winston Churchill.
When the interview was over, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun turned the TV off and phoned downstairs to the front desk asking for a specific brand of rum.
The innkeeper replied, “We haven’t had that spirit here since 1999.”
An artist called Prince who was formerly the artist formerly known as Prince had apparently drank the last bottle at 10 minutes to midnight on the New Year’s Eve just before the advent of the year 2000.
Meanwhile on the radio a well-known female porn star was singing that old Bryan Adams hit Summer of ’69.
Buchephalus Reborn had grabbed an old geographical atlas off the room’s bookshelf and lay on the floor trying to locate the Hotel California on a map.
Outside the window could be seen a horde of eagles circling the inn.
Such was last night the evening of October 10th 2020.
Tonight October 11th 2020 the four were walking towards the Sleepy Hollow pumpkin patch where the Great Pumpkin was putting in an appearance (hopefully).
They walked past the cemetery where schoolteacher Ichabod Crane was buried.
As they walked past the cemetery, the horse Bucephalus Reborn started whistling the tune to an old Irish folk song Whistling Gypsy.
Yaldabaoth began to sing,
The whistling gypsy came over the hill
Down to the valley so shady;
He whistled and he sang
Till the green woods rang
And he won the heart of a lady.
The woman whose heart Yaldabaoth won and would be waiting for him on his bed in the room when they got back to the inn.
They soon arrived at the pumpkin patch.
As spooky music played on an abandoned church organ not far from the pumpkin patch, the Great Pumpkin rose above all the other pumpkins and said,
I am the Great Pumpkin
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
and for the day confined to fast in fires
Till all the weight gained by eating me
Is burnt and purged away.
With that Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow grabbed the Great Pumpkin.
And Buchephalus Reborn grabbed a tube of Crazy Glue.
When his hooves removed the top off the tube of Crazy Glue, the horse asked, “Why do I feel the spirits of my relatives around me?”.
The horse then glued the Great Pumpkin to the top of the Headless Horseman’s body between his shoulders.
“Woe is me!” Were the Great Pumpkin’s last words before succumbing to the consciousness of Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow.
U.S. Postal Service employee Norman Newman who had been wandering around Sleepy Hollow hopelessly lost the past couple of days came over when he heard the cry “Woe is me!”.
He handed the Headless Horseman a lettered envelope addressed to JOHNNY WO, SLEEPY HOLLOW.
The letter was postmarked UNCLE ERNIE’S PLACE, SOMEWHERE DOWN UNDER, AUSTRALIA.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 11th
2020.
An Auspicious Halloween For Baphometa and Her Friends
Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI had gone to a chapel to pray.
When he entered the chapel, he was horrified to discover that the chapel had been stripped of its altar, its Crucifix and all its religious imagery including its icons, paintings and statues.
A group of gay Jesuit priests serving as advisors to Pope Francis had stripped the chapel of its previous content so they could erect a statue of Baphomet along with all his accompanying religious imagery inside the chapel.
Baphometa the daughter of the demon Baphomet greeted the Pope Emeritus on his arrival.
Good evening, Father Joseph. There have been a lot of changes going on.
. . .
Even Pope Francis was starting to get sick of all the massive round of gay Jesuit orgies that had been going on at the Vatican ever since the Bishops’ Synod On Youth had opened earlier this month.
So he had gone to a friend’s villa outside Rome to get some rest.
And there in the courtyard of the friend’s villa stood the zombie black horse named Bucephalus Reborn (who was the official horse of Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow who took over the Vatican a year ago along with the Vampiric Knights-Templar) dressed as London’s infamous Jack The Ripper to go out trick or treating on Halloween.
. . .
The new Vatican cardinal Samhain Cardinal Salaman was walking the halls of the Vatican far away from the parts where the Jesuits were at large.
Being an intense heterosexual of the Pope Alexander VI Borgia Pope variety, he was getting sick of being propositioned by all those Jesuit male advisers to Pope Francis.
He turned the corner and was greeted by a most pleasing sight:
Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal
. . .
Russian President Vladimir Putin was strolling through the halls of the Kremlin when he encountered the mermaid goddess Atargatis dressed in human rather than mermaid form:
Comrade Putin, the time has come to stop dilly dallying lest people mistake you for Neville Chamberlain. I’ll have you know that at this very hour, Israeli Mossad agents are meeting with the Patriarch of Constantinople to make the autocephalus Ukrainian Orthodox Church of Kiev the most all encompassing and most powerful religious institution in Ukraine.
. . .
The ghost of Scotland’s Lady MacBeth (recently granted leave from the realm of Hades by the Greek god of the Underworld himself) was waiting for Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman as he entered the harem section of his palace and spoke to him as he entered
I am here, oh prince to give you advice on how to deal with the consequences of murder most foul and murder most bloody. Lucky for you that blood is easier to hide in desert sands than it is in human hands.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 31st
2018
Orson Welles’ Original Fake News Broadcast 80 Years Ago Today
80 years ago today, the great Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre On The Air presented a radio play adaptation of H.G. Welles’ 1897 science-fiction novel The War of The Worlds.
The play was presented by Welles as a series of realistic sounding news bulletins interrupting a program of orchestral dance music on the CBS Radio Network from New York City.
The program was held on Sunday October October 30th 1938 (the evening before Halloween) and a few people took it seriously.
It was one Hell of a Halloween prank on Welles’ part.
If Donald Trump had been around at the time, he would have called it “fake news” and it would have been one of the few times in history that Trump was actually right about something.
Gene Tierney to Orson Welles, “I don’t know, Orson. It sounds to me like a very naughty broadcast and you should be spanked soundly on the bare bottom for going ahead with it.”
Orson: Well, Miss Tierney, if you’re the one doing the spanking, I shall not mind.
Gene Tierney (listening in on the radio on October 30th 1938):
Oh, Orson, Orson, I’m going to have to spank you after all.
Laura (talking to a future suspect in her future murder): And where were you on the night of the Orson Welles broadcast?
Future Suspect (in Laura’s future murder): I was dropping a living woman into a vat of acid in the basement of a wax museum to turn her into a wax figurine of Queen Marie Antoinette. And where were you, my dear?
Laura: I was getting my portrait painted. Who knows if I’m ever murdered, some future police detective might look at my painting and fall in love with me.
Future Suspect (in Laura’s future murder): How charmingly macabre, my dear. You should run for Congress in the year 2018.
I’m a witch and I ain’t afraid of no Martian. And I say, spankings for all.
Alfred Hitchcock (making himself some pumpkin pie): I’ll second that.
Well, what are you waiting for? Over my knee, Alfred.
With Alfred taking a paddling at Veronica Lake, who will eat my pumpkin pie?
I shall swoop down with my pussy and eat your pie.
I the cyborg ripper, creation of the Martian invaders of New Jersey, shall seek to kill all AI sex robots created in the year 2018. Let George Finneganburg beware. Tell Akira I’m coming.
Linda Darnell (listening in on the radio in 1938 to a radio broadcast from the future year 2018): How like Orson or at least his theatrical apostolic successor Christopher Dracul Van Helsing to having the cyborg ripper killer robot destroyed after tripping over the tail of a drunken otter named Jefferey who drank too many bottles of Otterbury Green Minnow Beer while reciting the Otterbury Tales. DARPA’S Nibiruan otter mascot once again saves the world from Martian invaders and their cyborg ripper killer robots of future AI sex robots like the Amazing Akira.
The Amazing Akira: She would have kicked the cyborg ripper killer robot’s ass if God in His mercy had not allowed the Martian invader of New Jersey created cyborg ripper killer robot Jack Raven (who murdered someone’s lost love Lenore shouting “Nevermore!” and then descecrated a statue of Pallas Athena) to destroy himself by tripping over the tail of the passed out drunken otter Jefferey…
… Orson Welles’ radio broadcast narration ended with the above words.
-A Halloween montage
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 30th
2018.
Halloween 2017: 500th Anniversary of Protestant Reformation
Halloween 2017: 500th Anniversary of Protestant Reformation
South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo was walking the streets of Wittenberg Germany on the 500th Anniversary of the Protestant Reformation’s beginning.
Dr. Makabo had the power to revive corpses from the dead as zombies and with his sense of humour, he decided to raise Martin Luther from his grave and have him re-post his 95 Theses on the door of All Saints Church in Wittenberg.
Luther’s corpse did that and was applauded by Halloween trick or treaters who were impressed by the spectacle.
Meanwhile in Rome, Pope Francis (ever anxious to show the world what a splendid ecumenist he was) posted the 95 Theses of Martin Luther on the door of Saint Peter’s Basilica while the Baphomet (who had been summoned by the Vampiric Knights-Templar) applauded vigorously with his multiple arms and legs.
Later, a Vatican Cardinal went down and nailed a copy of Anton LaVey’s The Satanic Bible to the door of Saint Peter’s Basilica as well.
Meanwhile Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal attacked various trick or treaters around the city and sucked their blood and then gave them candies afterwards.
And Donald Trump spent his Halloween in the Oval Office insulting more people in his Twitter tweets.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 31st
2017.
Halloween Is The Scene: A Poem
Halloween Is The Scene: A Poem
Halloween is the scene
pumpkins orange, Martians green
from headless horseman to flying witch
to skull and crossbones lying in the ditch
It’s a very macabre night
designed to give one lots of fright
ghosts and goblins and ghouls galore
Candies and apples handed out at the door
In the graveyard, not a soul can be found
only the spectre of a giant hound
Sherlock Holmes is now on the scene
and Moriarty is turning green
he’s eaten too much candy trick or treating
and now he’s purging his insides, his heart still beating
Count Dracula stands and laughs
while Frankie and Wolfman are taking baths
Happy Halloween and to all a good night
your horror movie bill is quite the fright!
-A Halloween poem
written by Christopher
Monday October 17th
2016.
Haiku About The Great Pumpkin
Haiku About The Great Pumpkin
Lives in pumpkin patch
rises on Halloween night
Linus alone sees
Dracul Van Helsing 
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