Belvedere and The Enchantress

July 22, 2017 at 7:58 pm (International Intrigue, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere and The Enchantress

It was a hot August night in 1885.

And Belvedere the bartender at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was the laughing stock of the entire town of Hayden Colorado.

Earlier in the evening, Belvedere had told a saloon bar patron that he was still a virgin.

“What?” The patron started laughing his head off, “You’re 45 years old and you’re still a virgin?”.

Word of Belvedere’s admission had spread around the town like wildfire.

When a fire ranger rode up from Denver to Hayden and was told there was no actual fire, he fell off his horse 🐴 laughing when told the real reason for the excitement in town.

Unfortunately for Belvedere, his employer Sherrielock Holmes the proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was away attending an opera in San Francisco on the West Coast.

Otherwise she’d have tomatoed many of the townspeople’s bottoms for making fun of her bartender.

Belvedere sat on the wooden sidewalk in front of the saloon blubbering away when a beautiful blonde woman walked by.

“What’s wrong, Belvedere?” The beautiful blonde asked.

“Do I know you?” Belvedere blinked at her.

“I’m Serena, one of the new girls that Miss Sherrielock hired last week,” the blonde sat beside him and raised her skirt showing very shapely legs.

“Oh yes, I heard Miss Holmes had hired some new girls,” Belvedere blew his nose into his tie and then took it off and put it into a box intending to give it as a Christmas gift to the man who had told the whole town that he was a virgin.

The lovely blonde reached into her low-cut blouse and pulled out a beautiful railway watch on a chain (that she kept between her cleavage).

“I see it’s 8 in the evening,” Serena cooed, “what do you intend to do the rest of the night?”.

“I have no idea,” Belvedere looked up at the night sky 🌌 and saw a shooting star 🌠.

“Did you make a wish, Belvedere?” She moved closer to him and put her arms around him.

“Um, yes I did,” said Belvedere.

“Well, why don’t you come up to my room then,” she whispered in his ear, “and then we can make your wish come true.”

Belvedere looked inside the water trough for the horses that was a few feet away.

The reflection in the water showed the pyramids of Egypt against the night sky.

Belvedere thought it was an opportune night to make his wish come true.

He walked up the saloon’s back stairs with Serena to her room.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 22nd
2017.

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Belvedere Discovers His Enchantress

June 24, 2017 at 3:40 pm (International Intrigue, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Belvedere the reporter for the Times of London had not always been the ghost of a Ghost White Salamander.

He was originally human but had been turned into a ghost white salamander back in August 1885 when he did not pay a working girl for services rendered in a room above a Wild West saloon.

The brothel girl cast a spell that turned him into a ghost white salamander.

He turned into the ghost of a ghost white salamander when an ox cart heading west ran over him as he crawled in a westernly direction.

Belvedere had heard through his sources that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had managed to take a coloured photograph with his lobster antennae of an assassination attempt made on Josef Stalin in his personal steam locomotive train back on June 22nd 1931.

Belvedere wondered if Michelangelo’s lobster antennae could photographically go back in time to August 15th 1885 the day that he was changed into a ghost white salamander.

And spot who was the enchantress who did this to him?

For Belvedere had forgotten what she looked like after he got run over by an ox cart.

Not of course that the Enchantress was probably still alive to turn him back.

But he’d like to know who she was.

Belvedere went down to the Set Enterprises lab and put in the request to Michelangelo.

Michelangelo’s lobster antennae started flashing red and blue lights as the photo started coming in.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher checked the screen of the computer hooked up to Michelangelo’s antennae as the photo appeared.

Serena

“That’s her,” said Belvedere, “that was the newly employed brothel girl at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon who turned me into a ghost white salamander when I didn’t pay her for sleeping with me.”

“What,” cried the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set as he entered the room, “that’s Serena my fiancee. You mean to say she time traveled back to the day August 15th 1885 and slept with you?”.

Belvedere decided it might not be a good idea to stay in the same room as an angry vampire so he vanished.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 24th
2017.

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Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

December 20, 2016 at 5:14 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

Things quieted down in Hayden, Colorado after the Aztec gold was dug up and stolen by a group of marauding Mormons who took it to Utah with them.

This later gave American forensic geologist Scott Wolter something to do for his early 21st Century TV show America Unearthed.

Since there was no longer any reason to stay in Hayden, Isis flew back to Paris by way of New York and Qonzilqointec returned to Mexico City by way of San Francisco.

“At last, peace and quiet,” Sherrielock sighed to herself as she lay in bed.

She might finally be able to get to sleep at night.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

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Qonzilqointec vs. Isis: The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

December 19, 2016 at 4:20 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec vs. Isis: The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

The Egyptian vampiress Isis was none too pleased that one of the gold bars her archaeologist found had been stolen by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (although Qonzilqointec claimed Aztec reclamation).

“This means war,” Isis seethed.

It wasn’t long before the showdown.

As Howard Cosell might have called it had he been alive at the time, The Showdown After Sundown.

Dressed in elaborate Parisienne and Madrid made evening gowns with holsters tied around their waists, they stood (in spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes) facing one another.

Inside each holster was a hawthorne wooden stake- guaranteed to kill the Undead dead.

Or so the sign read down at Van Helsing’s Lumber Yard in town.

Both Isis and Qonzilqointec had purchased their stakes without bothering to ask if there was a money back guarantee.

The town’s sheriff called out, “Draw.”

Each vampiress quickly pulled the stake out of their respective holsters and threw it at the other.

Qonzilqointec’s stake hit and broke Isis’ right vampiric incisor tooth.

“Oh Great God Ra, that’s going to cost me a fortune in dental work,” Isis moaned.

The town dentist stood rubbing his hands in glee.

Isis’ stake hit and struck Qonzilqointec’s left breast.

“Oh great Quetzalcoatl, it’s going to cost me a fortune to get that scar removed,” Qonzilqointec moaned.

The town doctor (who had a breast fetish) stood rubbing his hands in glee.

Belvedere who was busy eating a heavily garlic laced onion soup noticed that the two vampiresses were keeping away from him (of course so was everyone else for that matter).

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

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Qonzilqointec Confronts French Archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle

December 17, 2016 at 2:27 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec Confronts French Archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle

“This gold bar has the seal of Montezuma on it,” French archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle pointed out to Belvedere.

“It doesn’t look like a seal from pictures I’ve seen of them,” Belvedere looked puzzled, “I thought a seal kind of looked like an otter sorta.”

“You’re thinking of those sea mammals that eat fish and bark a lot,” De Gaulle glared at Belvedere, “A seal in this case refers to a special symbol used to represent the authority of the Aztec Emperor Montezuma.”

“I’ll take that gold bar if you don’t mind, Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle,” the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec entered the saloon wearing a gold evening dress, “after all, it belongs to my people.”

“Your people?” Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle was astonished.

“The Aztecs,” she smiled her vampiric incisors at the Frenchman, “Do you know what we did to our sacrificial victims?”.

“Didn’t you tear their living still beating hearts out of their chests and eat them?” Dr. De Gaulle gulped.

“Yes,” she stepped closer to the archaeologist.

“I don’t think Miss Sherrielock appreciates blood on the saloon floor unless it’s in the dominatrix whipping dungeon downstairs,” Belvedere spoke up, “You’re going to have to step outside.”

Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle ran out the door.

Qonzilqointec turned into a bat and followed him out the door.

“I’m going to have to cut down on eating the chef’s wild mushroom soup special,” Belvedere remarked upon seeing the vampiress’ transformation from sexy human to winged flying mammal.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

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Belvedere Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

December 14, 2016 at 6:26 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

Belvedere was down in The Wild Tomatoes and Mushrooms Saloon working late when the saloon door opened and in walked a beautiful Egyptian looking woman in a maroon red evening dress.

“Good evening,” said Belvedere.

“I am the Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” said the woman as she walked regally towards Belvedere’s bar.

“A vampiress?” Belvedere reached for a glass of water and gulped it down, “Another vampiress was in here recently.”

“That wasn’t the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec by any chance was it?” Isis bore her fangs.

“As a matter of fact it was,” Belvedere poured himself a second glass of water.

“She must be looking for the lost Aztec gold as well,” Isis ordered a glass of cognac.

“She was,” Belvedere reached for a third glass of water and then poured a cognac handing it to Isis.

“I shall beat her to it,” said Isis.

“I take it you two are rivals,” Belvedere thought of Generals Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant.

“She supported Juarez and I supported the Emperor Maximilian in the Mexican War,” Isis recalled her attempts to help French Emperor Napoleon III dominate world affairs.

“I take it you don’t celebrate Cinco De Mayo then?” Belvedere asked casually.

Isis threw the cognac in his face.

“I’ll take that as a no, then,” Belvedere wiped his face with a towel.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 24th
2016.

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The Old Gunslinger Returns

July 6, 2016 at 8:28 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , )

The Old Gunslinger Returns

As Belvedere stood behind the bar on this warm evening and pondered the exciting possibility that there might actually be Aztec gold in Hayden, Colorado, Sherrielock Holmes came running down the stairs in a lovely black and white evening gown and shouted, “Someone get Fat Tommy to the saloon. The Desperate Desperados Gang is riding into town tonight.”

The Desperate Desperados were a gang of cutthroat bandits and outlaws who took no prisoners but helped themselves to everything else.

Fat Tommy in his youth had been a famous gunslinger who then had the name Slim Tommy.

But times had changed.

Tommy lost his gunslinging ability for hamburger slinging followed by swallowing.

He had exchanged his slim waist line for an opportunity to play Moby Dick in a stage production (provided he lost enough weight to fit the whale’s actual size).

Still desperate times called for desperate measures and seeing as how the Desperate Desperados were riding into town, Fat Tommy was being asked by Sherrielock Holmes to gunsling once more.

Fat Tommy arrived in the saloon (he had some trouble getting through the swinging doors) and tried sitting down (breaking dozens of chairs in the process) and finally stood at the bar and ordered 300 plates of pork and beans.

When he finished his 300th plate, he wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and walked (more like waddled) out the door.

It was sundown.

The Desperate Desperados were just riding into town with their guns drawn and hooting and hollering.

They stopped outside the saloon.

Fat Tommy turned around, bent over and let ‘er rip.

That explains the reason for the huge quantity of pork and beans eaten, Belvedere thought as he watched.

The Desperate Desperados rode out of town like bats out of Hell.

Never had Belvedere seen outlaws or horses move so quickly.

Fat Tommy then started walking back towards the saloon.

“No, Fat Tommy,” Sherrielock ordered, “you’re not coming back in here tonight. I’ve yet to buy insurance on the chandeliers.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 6th
2016.

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Belvedere In Hayden, Colorado

June 29, 2016 at 7:53 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere In Hayden, Colorado

By the time Belvedere arrived in the town of Hayden, Colorado in June 1880 ( a town no longer in existence), he was tired of being an outlaw.

The final straw for him was when he found his name misspelled on a Wanted poster in a post office when he went in to buy stamps.

He decided to give up being an outlaw.

Thus when he rode into Hayden on his not-so-loyal horse Wildflower one June morning and noticed the Bartender Wanted sign on the window of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon (with the word Bartender spelled correctly), he decided to apply for the job.

The proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was a startlingly beautiful Englishwoman by the name of Sherrielock Holmes.

She wore a very beautiful red evening dress with black ruffled sleeves when she met him.

Although Belvedere had no experience being a bartender, she was intrigued with his life story and laughed uproariously as he recounted his past exploits.

She hired him and personally trained him as bartender.

One night as he threw the last of the drunks out of the saloon (well it was actually Sherrielock who thrashed them out the door with her whip), he was closing up the saloon when the town’s sheriff Franklin P. Peabody approached.

“Evening, Belvedere,” the sheriff took off his hat and spit chewing tobacco on the ground.

“Evening, Sheriff,” Belvedere put on his hat and put chewing tobacco in his mouth.

“You know townsfolk are claiming that there’s a vampire in town,” the sheriff looked towards the west and watched the last of the sun setting behind the mountains.

“A vampire? You mean like those bloodsuckers of medieval myth and legend?” Belvedere tried to blow bubbles with his chewing tobacco but failed.

“That’s right,” Sheriff Peabody nodded.

“But that’s crazy,” said Belvedere.

“That’s what I say,” Peabody agreed.

Peabody walked down the street towards his sheriff’s office and Belvedere stood there pondering the moonlight.

He decided to spit out his chewing tobacco.

Belvedere did so.

Right as a bat flew by.

Belvedere was positive that the bat swore at him in Romanian.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 10th
2016.

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