Pan Goatee Beheads Fat Ugly Blimps Live On Britain’s ITV News

July 19, 2022 at 10:42 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee being a recently genetically created satyr has never met a lot of the figures of Greek mythology like the original Greek satyr Pan or the Greek hero Hercules or the Greek god Apollo

So said British ITV News journalist Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell who had been sent to Calgary, Alberta, Canada from Britain to cover the world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Heathcliff Dionyus Campbell was the CEO of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.

However he had won a contest to work as an intern television journalist for Britain’s ITV News over the summer.

Now he had been assigned to cover Pan Goatee the nemesis of facially aesthetically challenged females everywhere.

Campbell was standing at a bus stop holding a microphone in one hand and his pet Siamese cat Oysterella in the other.

Oysterella was holding a bowl of smoked oysters in her paws which she was eating.

Campbell spoke into the microphone, “Here I am standing alongside Pan Goatee. Pan is noting how hot it is today. 29 degrees Celsius apparently. And when you’ve got furry goats’ legs like Pan Goatee does, it feels even hotter.”

“That’s true,” Pan nodded, “The Robbie Burns Society pays me to never wear a kilt.”

The bus pulled up and satyr, ITV News Reporter and Siamese cat got on.

There sitting on one of the front seats was a fat ugly blimp reading a book by Ophrah Winfrey called How To Enjoy Your High Self Esteem.

“Usually,” Pan Goatee explained to Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell, “most fat ugly blimps choose to sit at the back of the bus. Which is why I sit at the front. However this fat ugly blimp has obviously taken Oprah’s New Age psychobabble way too seriously.”

The fat ugly blimp would never get the chance to address the United Nations General Assembly like Ophrah’s airheaded pair of friends Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

For she was beheaded by Pan Goatee and cut up into 999 trillion pieces and her remains taken down to Tartarus by Ares the Greek god of war who was filling in for the Austro-Hungarian and Bavarian demon Krampus who was on summer vacation.

“I doubt anyone who was PH Unbalanced would be able to follow that editorial train of thought,” Oysterella thought to herself as she finished the last of her smoked oysters.

Pan Goatee, Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell and Oysterella went and sat at the back of the bus.

A couple of bus stops down a fat ugly blimp and her moronic low IQ boyfriend boarded the bus and sat on seats at the front.

“What’s with the lack of humility being shown by fat ugly blimps and their moronic low IQ boyfriends these days?” Goatee commented as he beheaded the pair and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.

“Meow, meow, meow, meow,” Oysterella purred.

Which was feline for “I want more smoked oysters.”

Pan Goatee and Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell went into a Dollar store to see if they could buy more smoked oysters for Oysterella.

There was a fat ugly blimp working as a cashier so Goatee beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“What about my oysters?” Oysterella meowed as Pan and Heathcliff left the store.

A demon buffalo approached the trio.

“Is that a demon buffalo approaching?” Campbell asked.

“It is,” Pan nodded.

. . .

“Who is this demon buffalo who wants to meet me?” Francis asked his group of advisors.

“We’re not sure,” his chief advisor shrugged, “but it is said he arose from Buffalo Lake in what is now Alberta, Canada back in the 1860s.”

“Am I going to be visiting Buffalo Lake next week?” Bergoglio started eating a popsicle.

“No, you won’t,” his chief advisor answered.

“I remember watching an episode of America’s Carol Burnett Show where Carol Burnett played Queen Elizabeth II and Tim Conway played a British soldier who was to receive a medal,” Bergoglio recalled, “But Conway’s soldier didn’t want a medal. He wanted a buffalo popsicle instead. So Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip went to a popsicle salesman (played by Harvey Korman) who was sitting on a popsicle bicycle. They asked for a buffalo popsicle but the popsicle salesman told them there was no such thing as a buffalo popsicle. But Conway’s soldier character insisted he wanted a buffalo popsicle. So Korman’s popsicle salesman character hit Conway’s soldier character over the head knocking him out. He put him in the popsicle box on his bicycle and wheeled him off.”

Silence was the order of the day among Bergoglio’s advisors after he made that last statement.

One advisor whispered to another, “Do you suppose senility is a virus that can spread over the telephone? He had a 4 hour phone conversation with Joe Biden last night.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 19th

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Memories of Selena

March 25, 2021 at 9:53 pm (Arts, Culture, History, Music) (, , , , )

Selena Quintanilla

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell was the CEO of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. in London.

He had become the CEO of the company after buying it (through a loan given to him by the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) in 2018.

Previously he had been an Executive Vice-President of the Company.

This past year of the pandemic there had not been much recording going on at his studios on Abbey Road- the Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios.

As most musicians and singers did their performances via podcast and livestream.

So Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had used the past year to write his memoirs.

He had run for the 2008 Democratic Presidential nomination in the U.S. and had come in an extremely extremely extremely distant third behind Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

He moved to London England in 2010 to become Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. to fulfill a lifelong dream he had of one day becoming a music producer.

Prior to his Presidential run, he had been an Executive Vice-President of Vidal Sassoon Hair Products.

Today he was busy recalling the year 1994.

He was remembering the day that year a friend of his had invited him to a small recording studio that the friend owned in San Antonio, Texas.

He recalled walking through the door of the recording studio and there sitting on a chair was a woman with one of the loveliest smiles he had ever seen in his life.

Selena Quintanilla

Campbell was disappointed in himself for at that time he had never heard of this young and promising young star bound to become a superstar.

She however sang and recorded a song in his friend’s studio that day.

It was a song in Spanish.

It was so beautiful that Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell resolved someday to learn the language.

Sadly he had never done that either up until this point in his life.

He recalled a year later in 1995 the day that he had heard Selena had been shot and killed by the President of her own fan club.

March 31st 1995.

In less than a week, it would be the 26th anniversary of her tragic death.

A young talent taken from the world too soon.

A lovely smile taken from the world too soon.

-written by Christopher
Thursday March 25th

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Amadeus’ Song: A Distant Mirror Reflects

January 9, 2019 at 11:19 pm (Arts, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, International Intrigue, Music, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Singer Amadeus Emanon was in the recording studio of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. on London’s Abbey Road.

His producer Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell gave him the thumbs up.

Amadeus started to sing,

In Beverly Hills, you never grow old
your body uses science to take on a new glow
Life eternal is now in a pill

On those nights when the moon rises high
and stardust mixes with water and wine
what was blood to the Son of Man falls on dry barren ground

This is the new Hollywood
replacing that holy wood of long ago
Golgotha’s hill gives way to the hills of Beverly

And now a new god beckons me from behind that silver screen
offering me love, sex and immortality
it’s all so thrilling and so new
All I have to do is give my soul away
And watch the light from blood red moon
signal the start of a brand new day
Amazon and Google like John the Baptist lead the way
5G flows into my brain like San Francisco’s golden rain
Circuitry and arteries have now fused and merged into one

The flashes of light and the deity in sight
They burst all around like galaxies abound
The celestial mass divides again and again
DNA has never been this way
Our being is changed in the twinkling of an eye
And we can do it all without that Carpenter guy

And so I’ve taken the Mark
My life is one with android electrical spark
I’ve changed this flesh for a mechanical heart
one that will forever beat even without love
I know I will live forever and never ever die
That fruit of tree in Garden is so yesterday
far too earthy and natural
nothing like today
when science and high tech have shown us the way

The lights of Metropolis of yesterday
have given way to Metropolis’ lights today
What was there on the screen of ’20s German Expressionist film
has come to pass with Transhumanist technocracy know-how
Lovecraft saw the Great Old Ones coming back
but not the shiny new gadgets they carried in their sack
They have offered us all the kingdoms of this world
gold, precious jewels and all diverse manners of pearl
and have offered us immortality to boot
We have now become the gods
And the food of the gods?
Our own souls
that we eat daily.
Amen and amen.

Heathcliff Dioynsus Campbell nodded that was a rap.

Amadeus took off his headphones and in his mind’s eye, saw a distant mirror.

To the Hollywood of the early 1940s when Carson Cody Albion Private Eye was offered immortality with a divinely human touch from the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis:

The flesh was weak back then.

But, Amadeus reflected, thanks to advances in science and technology, the spirit itself has become weak.

And all of us are now ready to betray the Son of Man without so much as a kiss.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 9th

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Phantom of The Opera: A Poem As Sung and Recorded By Amadeus Emanon

September 14, 2018 at 10:37 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Fantasy, Film, Folklore, Ghost Story, love, Music, music videos, Musicals, Poetry, Romance, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Phantom of The Opera: A Poem
Sung and Recorded By Amadeus Emanon

Amadeus Emanon was at London music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios (owned by Heathcliff’s company Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.) to record his first album Erik’s Lament: The Agony and Ecstasy of A Phantom In The Night.

Amadeus Emanon sang this song:

Phantom of The Opera: A Lament

Oh Phantom, you are the lonely one
You loved Christine who was daylight
to your realms of darkness
She let the sunlight shine in your heart
You taught her to sing
But she taught you to love
And hers by far was the greater gift

There in your lair beneath the Opera deep
Where you lay many an hour to lie there and weep
And let the hate consume your heart like heat
Burned and singed was it making your scar look neat

For your look you thought no one could love
Depriving you of joy on earth and in heaven above
But Christine looked and she saw
but you turned away and you let her go
For in the mirror you saw just the scar
But in her eyes, she saw your very soul
But you did not see and you did not know
And your love departed by the river’s flow

Oh what music you could have made
But your heart you buried in hate’s grave
For Christine wanted to be your love not your slave
Now she’s left you and gone away
While you pine all night and long for day
The day you once had but chased away
leaving you with childhood toys you used to play
And now your soul then your music will decay.

(-A poem written by Christopher
Friday September 7th 2018)

Inspired by the character of Erik as he is portrayed in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical The Phantom of The Opera.

Amadeus Emanon as he appears on the cover of his album (making it look like he was posing with his violin in an old 19th Century style photograph)

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Notwithstanding The Hurricane Winds of Change

September 10, 2018 at 11:11 pm (Arts, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Notwithstanding The Hurricane Winds of Change

Amadeus Emanon was working to get an album of songs he had personally written produced by London music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the CEO of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.

It was helpful to Amadeus’ cause that it was his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (owner of Set Enterprises) who lent Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the money to buy Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. for himself (Heathcliff had previously been Executive Vice-President of the company).

Of course Heathcliff probably would not have signed Amadeus to a recording contract despite that unless Amadeus had been both a talented songwriter and a talented singer.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s good friend the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont (best known for her role as Christine Daae in many West End London theatre productions of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of The Opera since 2007) had highly recommended Amadeus Emanon.

Both Amadeus and Angelique were taking a break from their recording session at Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios on London’s Abbey Road.

They were meeting with Amadeus’ good friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield in Lord Poseidon God of The Seas’ Unparalleled Fish ‘N Chips Shop – a favourite of Amadeus.

“So,” Renfield looked shocked as Amadeus ate only one plate of Fish ‘N Chips (Amadeus had been scolded quite a lot lately by Angelique Dumont to cut down on his large appetite since he would soon be appearing in a photo shoot for the cover of his new album), “It appears that our Alberta-based Canadian vampire hunter friend approves of Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s decision to use the notwithstanding clause of the Canadian Constitution to overrule Ontario Superior Court Justice Edward Belobaba’s decision to disallow Ford’s new legislation The Better Local Government Act. Not because Dracul approves of Doug Ford (whom he calls the Ontario Donald Trump) but because by becoming the first Ontario Premier to use the Notwithstanding clause he might finally encourage politicians in Canada to grow pairs of balls and start using the Notwithstanding Clause to give unelected liberal social activist judges the raspberry they so richly deserve. For too long these unelected judicial jackasses have been reading their own personal views into things the constitution doesn’t even mention and using it to advance their own perverted and degenerate social agenda. Proof positive Dracul notes that Doug Ford is right this one time is that the 2 far left wing liberal rags in Toronto- The Globe and Mail as well as The Toronto Star- appear to have their panties in a knot and are in one Hell of an outburst of whining and snivelling over the fact Ford is using the Notwithstanding Clause.”

“So that’s the way things now stand in Canada, eh?” Amadeus ate a piece of Maple Leaf bacon 🥓 while Angelique watched disapprovingly.

“And then Dracul notes smoking recreational marijuana becomes officially legal next month which should should bring many unelected liberal social activist judges out of their smoke 💨 filled closets where they get many of their ideas from,” Renfield remarked.

. . .

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher was wondering why Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had blown so many mathematical equations while typing with his lobster claws on his waterproof underwater iPad in his lobster tank.

Usually Michelangelo was so good at being able to crack difficult mathematical equations that even the world’s most advanced computers 🖥 were incapable of cracking.

It was then that Dr. Rocher noticed the remaining stub of reefer of Canadian recreational cannabis at the bottom of Michelangelo’s lobster tank.

. . .

Renfield went back to the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum dungeons where he was interrogating members of a rogue branch of Britain’s MI-6 who were plotting a chemical attack on civilians who were living in Idlib province in Syria to give NATO the excuse to take direct military action against Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s Government in Damascus.

Renfield was getting the MI-6 operatives to talk by forcing them to watch (with very loud audio) home movie made videos of former Philippines 🇵🇭 First Lady Imelda Marcos singing songs to her husband former Philippines 🇵🇭 dictator Ferdinand Marcos as he lay comatose on his deathbed in a hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii on September 28th 1989 (doctors speculated that it was Imelda’s singing 🎤 that speeded up Ferdinand Marcos’ departure into the afterlife- no doubt figuring that Hell would be an improvement).

Every MI-6 operative that Renfield did this to immediately cracked and was soon singing like a canary.

Renfield brought in a wild nightingale from outside to join the MI-6 canaries in their singing.

. . .

Hurricane Florence now a category 4 hurricane was heading straight towards North and South Carolina.

Florence was a rare kind of hurricane in that, unbeknownst to NASA, the whirlwind in the hurricane was being directed by a vampiress.

The vampiress herself was named Florence.

Florence de Medici.

A vampiress who during her mortal life back in the Italian Renaissance had been an influential and powerful Florentine courtesan- Signora Florence de Medici.

A woman who had been turned into a vampiress by her unholy spiritual godmother- the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith- the mother of all vampires.

And now Florence was directing Florence against the Carolinas.

. . .

Flashback 109 years ago.

November 1909- King Edward VII of Britain had gone to a forest in a public park to meet with a woman.

But this was no ordinary woman.

She was a vampiress.

She was meeting with King Edward VII because she had shocking information (so she said) on what the King’s nephew the Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany was planning.

King Edward VII walked through the bleak November forest until he came upon her:

The Countess Draculina- daughter of Dracula

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 10th

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Pan Goatee’s #1 Bestseller

August 20, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Literature, Music, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s #1 Bestseller

CNN Book Reviewer: Pan Goatee’s new book Stupid Ugly White Women, that was only published last week, has already become English-speaking North America’s Number 1 Top Best Seller.
Flocks of white heterosexual male readers (who generally don’t read many books) have been flocking to buy it.
It has already trilliondippled the number of book sales of left wing documentary film maker Michael Moore’s book Stupid White Men (which has a photo of Michael Moore on the cover).
Pan Goatee when he appeared on Stephen Colbert 🤨 said that Stupid White Men are those who date Stupid Ugly White Women.
Pan Goatee’s book has been condemned by white feminists to which the genetically created satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin replied, “You can kiss my hairy white ass.”
Donald Trump tweeted afterwards “Just how hairy is Pan Goatee’s ass anyways? Maybe he can do me a favour.”
According to newly released White House tape recordings recorded by a soon to be fired White House staff employee, Mr. Trump has recently expressed concern that the red spider monkey fur on his golden showers 🚿 coloured urine stained looking mop of a hairpiece toupee is starting to develop dandruff and he’s looking for a replacement.
Meanwhile Pan Goatee’s book Stupid Ugly White Women has, within the last week, become the #1 bestselling book of all time in the City of Calgary for some reason (and that’s just after one week since publication).
And it’s been reported by Calgary booksellers that male undergraduate students enrolled in Philosophy courses in the subject of Aesthetics and Philosophy of Art and Beauty have bought multiple copies of the book in much the same way that famous American assassins who go by three names have had multiple copies of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher In The Rye on their bookshelves.

CNN Music Reviewer: Meanwhile the success of Pan Goatee’s book Stupid Ugly White Women has led to a musical hit for the London England based gay music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. at his Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios on London’s Abbey Road.
Mr. Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell recorded British MP Renfield R. Renfield singing his own paraphrased version of the 1968 Dionne Warwick hit song Do You Know The Way To San Jose?
Sir Renfield’s paraphrased version is called Do You Know The Way To Pan Goatee?

Renfield (singing in a clip):

Do you know the way to Pan Goatee?
I’ve seen a lot of heads roll around Pan Goatee.
Calgary is a great big cow farm
turn around and see a blimp
All the gays that never were
switch teams after seeing them…

CNN Movie Reviewer: Meanwhile after a recent trip to Calgary, talk show host Ellen DeGeneres will soon be appearing in a new motion picture called Scared Straight…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 20th

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The Universe Is Unfolding (Possibly Not As It Should)

January 20, 2016 at 7:49 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Music, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Universe Is Unfolding (Possibly Not As It Should)

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was in the Set Enterprises lab doing some Prognostication experiments with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

He was seeing what results would come out of this year’s Oscars.

On the computer screen, Dr. Rocher was viewing what Michelangelo was viewing through his prophetic lobster antennae which were hooked up to the computer.

Host of this Year’s Oscars (on stage) : Well I see by the number of people wearing white hoods and white robes and by the number of flaming burning crosses outside the auditorium, we’ve got a different sort of crowd at this year’s Oscars…

. . .

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. in London was petting his Siamese cat Oysterella and wondering what he should do now after receiving the latest memo from his higher-ups the Board of Directors of the Company.

The Board of Directors of his Company were demanding that he find the next big music superstar pronto or he’d be finding himself in line at the Unemployment office.

“Oh dear Oysterella,” the Music Exec sighed, “where am I going to find the next big music superstar?”.

. . .

Although Amadeus Emanon was quite fond of most varieties of food, he had been a teetotaler in his drinking habits for most of his life.

But after a recent conversation with his good friend the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont, he had decided to become the next big thing to hit the arts.

As such he had purchased a dozen bottles of absinthe since he had heard that absinthe had served as an inspirational muse for great writers such as Ernest Hemingway, Charles Baudelaire and Oscar Wilde and great artists such as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec and Amedeo Modigliani.

As Michelangelo sputtered and asked for Viagra in lobstertalk in his lobster tank as he psychically picked up the name Modigliani from Amadeus’ thoughts and immediately thought of Sherrielock Holmes, Amadeus meanwhile lay at the bottom of the stairs after finishing off his dozenth bottle of absinthe.

“The follies of drunkenness,” Renfield remarked as he stepped over the dozing Amadeus at the bottom of the stairs.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he looked down at the sleeping Amadeus.

“I wonder what evil influences Amadeus has fallen under,” Renfield asked himself as he sipped from his 24th bottle of bourbon this night.

He went into his bedroom and used his Find-Yourself-A-Hooker app on his smart phone to do just that.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 20th

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The Coppertop Were-Zomb-ire

October 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm (TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

As Renfield sat looking depressed over the dead body of his most recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire, the redheaded cyborg Sophia entered the Set Enterprises lab wearing a tight fitting red mini dress, red silk nylons and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

She was followed by Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. as well as a TV camera crew.

“What are you doing here?” Renfield asked the sexy and sultry cyborg.

“I’m here to shoot a TV commercial about your dead creation the Were-Zomb-ire,” Sophia answered, “my recording manager Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell figures it will help my music career.”

“Oh great,” Renfield threw up his hands, “first someone posted a blog entry about my creation the Were-Zomb-ire’s death at Xanga a site no one cares about (except for C.S. Lewis wannabes with a fetish for boobs and non-butterfly little read unpopular Malaysian bloggers who don’t have a fetish for boobs) and now you’re going to broadcast my failure to the entire world.”

“That’s right,” Sophia adjusted her nylons and then smiled for the camera.

“Hit it,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell gave her the thumbs up.

“I’m sitting here with colossal failure Renfield R, Renfield,” Sophia smiled engagingly, “whose recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire a creature part werewolf, part zombie and part vampire was killed shortly after it was created. Mr. Renfield, what are your plans for the future?”.

“Well, I’ve been offered the position of Secretary of State in a second Obama Administration for after the next U.S. election….” Renfield tried to smile.

“Let’s try fitting your Were-Zomb-ire with a Duracell battery shall we?” Sophia cuts open the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach with a butcher knife and then inserts a Duracell battery and then stitches together the incision with thread and then delivers an electrical charge to the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach.

The Were-Zomb-ire then rises to life again.

“Duracell the Coppertop Battery,” Sophia smiles at the camera, “the battery recommended and used by most professional mad scientists.”

The Were-Zomb-ire then tears the door off the Set Enterprises lab and sets off to terrorize the City of London.

Amadeus Emanon enters through the now non-existent door of the Set Enterprises lab licking a maple walnut chocolate ice cream cone and remarking, “Hey Renfield, I noticed your Were-Zomb-ire came back to life and just stepped on the Energizer Bunny. It’s no longer going and going…”

To be continued.

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Renfield’s Music Video- The Killing of Natalia

May 23, 2011 at 6:38 pm (Horror, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel, Video) (, , , , , )

Dracul Van Helsing had been invited to a meeting with Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording.

“Thank you for coming, Mr. Van Helsing,” the record exec shook the vampire hunter’s hand, “I thought I would see you while that insidious individual Renfield R. Renfield still lies in a coma in a hospital here in London.”

“I understand he kidnapped and held your pet cat, Oysterella hostage last year,” the vampire hunter stated sympathetically.

Oysterella jumped up on Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s lap and started purring.

“Yes, and my poor pussy has never been the same, have you?” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell started stroking Oysterella.

“You brought me here to see something?” Van Helsing asked.

“Yes, you may have heard that Renfield R. Renfield occasionally flies out to California to make hard-core porn videos,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell straightened his wire-rimmed glasses.

“Yes, so I’ve heard,” Van Helsing nodded, “I also understand he freelances hard-core interrogation techniques on terrorist suspects for both the CIA and Scotland Yard.”

“Yes, they say he was the one who finally broke the camel’s back in the hunt to find Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts last summer,” sniffed Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell.

“Yes, it’s my understanding that the particular suspect he was questioning Abdullah bin Mohammed was somewhat of a pervert as any Arabic ruler of Masons posing as a lapsed Seventh Day Adventist would be,” Van Helsing sat down, “and the said Abdullah bin Mohammed really loved his camel in more ways than one. He would gladly walk more than a mile for his camel to paraphrase old cigarette ads of mid-20th century America. And so when Renfield broke his camel’s back which meant no more humping between Abdullah bin Mohammed and his camel, that’s when the said bestial pervert broke down and finally revealed the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden’s hideout in the compound near the Pakistani military base at Abbottabad. And the rest as they say is history.”

“What’s become of Abdullah bin Mohammed now?” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell asked.

“I believe he’s currently a would-be serial killer with his own blog where he writes down his rambling incoherent pseudo-intellectual idiocies that only appeal to nutty female New Agers who are very much into New Age psychobabble and alleged self-esteem and self-improvement preaching,” Van Helsing replied.

“Oh, one of those,” Heathcliff sniffed.

“You said you have something to show me?” Van Helsing again asked.

“Yes, I was told that Renfield R. Renfield played a huge part in the scripting and making of this rather disturbing music video, I was wanting you to watch it and tell me what you think of it,” said Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell, “I suppose you’ve heard of Monarch programming?”.

“The programming and brainwashing techniques that were developed by the Nazi SS in the late 1930s and then later adapted by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency in several infamous brainwashing experiments of the 1950s?” Van Helsing queried.

“That’s right,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell nodded, “I think our friend Renfield R. Renfield seems to be an expert in this area of Monarch programming.”

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Stryker’s Last Orgy

April 21, 2011 at 9:55 pm (Horror, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Stryker was a death heavy metal music star.

His label was Aulos Music and Recording.

The past six months Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording had been baby-sitting (quite literally) the 33-year-old star on his world-wide tour.

Heathcliff was sick of cleaning up the mess (particularly the bodies of the teen-aged girl groupies that Stryker had slain and drunk their blood afterwards).

“One would think you’re a vampire or something,” Heathcliff had sniffed.

“Maybe someday I will be,” Stryker laughed.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell was so busy looking after the petulant spoiled brat heavy metal rocker that he had no time to look out for his more talented heavy metal protogee the genuinely authentic Vampiress Morgana (who at least did not kill and drink the blood of her fans since she knew who was paying the money that kept her bread buttered and her bacon coming).

Now Heathcliff heard the dreadful news that the Board of Directors of Aulos was going to assign another of the label executives to manage Morgana while he Heathcliff would be stuck with Stryker.

Oh, Heathcliff thought to himself, was there no way out of this mess?

* * *

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell stood outside the door of the Vampiress Morgana’s hotel room to tell his protogee the bad news and was about to knock when he heard two feminine voices from inside the room.

Heathcliff stopped to listen.

Inside the hotel room, the Vampiress Isis stood in a red evening dress and red spiked stiletto heels.

The Vampiress Morgana stood in a black tank top, black leather mini skirt, black silk fishnet nylons and black spiked stiletto heels.

“I want to know,” said Isis, “are you any relation to the Sorceress Morgana of Avalon?”.

“I’m her niece,” the Vampiress Morgana answered, “Auntie Morgana was beheaded and slain by King Arthur centuries ago.”

“This I know,” said Isis, “for I was close by when it happened. What I want to know is do you have any of your aunt’s magical powers. Can you resurrect a slain vampire from the dead for example?”.

“I have some magical powers,” the Vampiress Morgana replied, “but I do not have the power to Resurrect.”

The Vampiress Isis sighed.

Then she looked at Morgana, “Thank you for your time.”

The Vampiress Isis bowed and then opened the hotel room door where she saw Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell standing there.

“Have we not met before?” Isis asked.

“I believe we spent a delightful evening last Boxing Day over champagne and caviar on the French Riviera discussing the writer Oscar Wilde and the painter Dante Gabriel Rossetti,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell answered.

“Indeed, we did,” Isis smiled, “we must do that again soon.”

She then walked down the hall and pressed the elevator button.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell then entered the Vampiress Morgana’s hotel room where he broke the bad news to her.

Morgana burst into tears.

* * *

Upon exiting the hotel, Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell wrapped his coat tightly around himself because of the wet London evening drizzle now falling.

He looked up and recognized someone.

It was Renfield R. Renfield.

“Excuse me,” Heathcliff tried to get past the shapeshifting hamster/human because he had been nothing but trouble for Mr. Dionysus Campbell in the past.

“Do you recognize this person?” Renfield held up a photo.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell put on his gold-wire rimmed glasses and looked at the photo.

“It’s Stryker,” Heathcliff replied, “the most obnoxious of the clients I manage.”

“I thought you might know him,” Renfield grinned an evil grin, “you know a lot of musicians.”

“Being in the music and recording business I naturally would,” Heathcliff harrumphed with an irritated lisp.

“I came across this man’s photo on the cover of an entertainment magazine earlier today,” Renfield explained, “in fact the same magazine where I ripped out this photo which seemed to upset the shopkeeper Mr. Patel for some reason. He demanded that I pay the cost of the full price of the magazine. Finally I was forced to shoot him after he threatened to call the police.”

“Why are you interested in this Stryker?” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell took out a handkerchief and began wiping raindrops off his glasses.

“I recognized the fellow right away,” Renfield seethed, “he was the one who swiped the last tuna fish sandwich off a plate at an upscale party I was at 2 years ago just before I could get to it myself. I swore revenge if I ever came across him again.”

“What do you plan to do to him?” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell put his glasses back on and blinked at the shapeshifter.

“Kill him,” Renfield answered.

“This is my lucky day,” Heathcliff thought to himself and then he said aloud to Renfield, “What’s in it for me if I take you to him?”.

“I won’t kill you,” Renfield laughed.

“I feel like dying these days anyways,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell shrugged, “you’ll have to do better than threats if you want me to help you.”

“All right, I’ll pay you thirty thousand pounds if you take me to him,” Renfield said.

“Show me the money,” Heathcliff held out his palm.

Renfield went to a nearby bank’s ATM cash machine and using his employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set’s debit card positively emptied the bank’s cash machine out of thirty thousand pound notes.

Renfield and Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell then took a taxi to the nightclub where Stryker was having his post-concert orgy.

Meanwhile noted American actor Charlie Sheen walked up to the bank’s ATM cash machine and inserted his debit card.

Then he started swearing it, “I can’t believe it. This @#%^&*!*@ machine is out of @#%^!*@ cash.”

* * *

“All right,” Heathcliff spoke to Renfield, “at these orgies, there are a lot of guys and even a few girls who like to dress up as Stryker. Wait 5 minutes and then come in and I’ll direct you to the real one.”

“How will I know the real one?” Renfield asked.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell whispered inside Renfield’s ear.

Renfield grimaced but nodded.

* * *

Stryker was seated at a table surrounded by an adoring group of short skirted and mini dress wearing teen-aged groupies.

Stryker opened a plastic bag of cocaine and passed it around saying, “This is my body which is given for you. Snort this in remembrance of me.”

The girls took the bag and shoved some of the cocaine up their respective noses.

Then Stryker opened the cap off a beer bottle with his teeth and passed the bottle of beer around saying, “This is my blood (my golden blood!) of the newest and most irrevocable covenant which is shed for you and for many for the mother of all orgasms.”

Each girl took a sip of the beer and had a multiple orgasm as she did so.

Renfield entered the nightclub.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell went up to Stryker and kissed him on the lips.

“Dionysus,” Stryker looked at Heathcliff, “dost thou betray the Son of Belial with a kiss?”.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s face turned crimson.

“What thou doest, do quickly,” Stryker slit a girl’s throat and drank her blood.

Heathcliff Dionyus Campbell ran to the washroom and hung a roll of toilet paper over the seat and sat down and blew his nose.

And Renfield R. Renfield moved in for the kill.

To be continued.

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