Set Gets A Call From His Accounting Department

February 24, 2021 at 11:46 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was sitting in his study and listening to the radio.

He was once again surprised to hear his former employee and current British MP Renfield R. Renfield reading the BBC World News Report on BBC Radio.

Renfield said, “Next month on his trip to Iraq, the extremely ecumenically minded Pope Francis will be holding an interfaith religious service on top of the ancient Babylonian temple to the Mesopotamian moon god Nanna. No word yet on whether Nanna himself plans to attend the service.”

Set guffawed.

Spewing the Earl Grey tea in his mouth all the way to the far side of the study.

Renfield went on, “And in further news regarding Pope Francis, the pontiff said all journalists wishing to fly with him on his plane to and from Iraq must be vaccinated against the Holy, Blessed and Eternal Virus known to the world as Covid before being allowed to fly with him.
Those journalists who wish to ask him questions leading to one of his usual idiotic rambling answers must be vaccinated twice…”

The phone rang on the desk next to Set’s chair and he turned the radio off.

The vampire picked up the receiver.

It was one of those old phones that you often see in gangster movies of the 1920s and ’30s.

“Sol Invictus Set,” the vampire said giving the full name he wrote down on his British Citizenship certificate when he received British citizenship back in the 1920s.

“Hello, Mr. Set,” the voice on the other end spoke, “This is I.M. Boring from the Set Enterprises Accounting Department.”

“Oh yes, Mr. Boring,” Set yawned, “What can I do for you?”.

“We’ve noticed an expenditure claimed by one of your employees that we think you should really be concerned about,” Boring explained.

“Oh yes,” Set put down his cup of tea and proceeded to drink the entire pot of coffee on the tray next to him to keep himself awake.

“One of your employees put down as an expenditure the cost of 2002 bottles of Hendrick’s Gin over the past month,” Boring noted.

“By 2002,” Set finished the entire pot of coffee, “Do you mean the year the gin was made or the numerical amount of bottles of gin that was consumed?”.

“The numerical amount of bottles of gin that was consumed,” Boring answered.

“Jesus,” Set was fully awake now and spoke a name that probably wouldn’t be mentioned in the interfaith service atop Nanna’s temple next month, “This employee must be sent to Alcoholics Anonymous right away or face permanent termination of his employment.”

“It gets worse, Mr. Set,” Boring explained.

“It does?” Set rang the bell on his tray to summon his butler and valet Athelstan.

The billionaire vampire was going to ask his gentleman’s gentleman to bring him Set a much needed bottle of Hendrick’s Gin.

“Apparently the entire 2002 bottles of gin were consumed on two separate days,” Boring went on, “1001 bottles of Hendrick’s Gin consumed back on Thursday February 4th and 1001 bottles of Hendrick’s Gin consumed 2 days ago on Monday February 22nd.”

“My God,” Set reached for a hot buttered scone, “Talk about the mother of all drinking problems. Doesn’t the said person realize that binge drinking is dangerous. He should really space out his alcohol consumption. And not do it all at one time every 3 weeks.”

“And not charge the cost of his alcohol consumption to his employer,” Boring noted.

“Indeed,” Set wholeheartedly agreed and started putting some marmalade on his hot buttered scone, “And what was the name of this employee?”.

“Dr. Marmalade Montague,” Boring answered.

Set quickly checked the brand name of his marmalade.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 24th
2021.

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Marmalade and Hendrik’s Gin Revive A Leprechaun Again

February 22, 2021 at 11:39 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The body of Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was once again lying under a contraption invented by Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague that would pour 1001 bottles of Hendrick’s Gin down the leprechaun’s throat that would bring him back from the dead.

A recipe written down by Asclepius (the Greek god of medicine who was killed by a thunderbolt from Zeus) that wound its way on to a late 1940s matchbook from a Cairo nightclub said that a combination of juniper, cucumber and damask rose could be used to resurrect a leprechaun from the dead.

It just so happened that the ingredients used in making Hendrick’s Gin were juniper, cucumber and damask rose.

An analysis of the leprechaun’s blood showed that he had been poisoned by a combination of champagne and Fire Salamander toxic poisoning.

According to a Facebook status post Yaldabaoth had made this past Saturday night, the leprachaun wound up hopelessly lost in the streets of London and entered a building that he thought was the Imperial Aurora Hotel where he was staying.

He went up to his hotel room floor in the elevator and when he got off the elevator, he saw that he was in fact not in a hotel but most likely in an apartment building.

He decided to check out the floor and when he got back from his rounds of the floor, he noticed a beautiful woman wearing a short skirt pointing a gun at two men and forcing them to get on the elevator with her.

The men must be gay, Yaldabaoth deduced in Sherlockian fashion, because otherwise such a woman should have absolutely no problem in getting a couple of men to get into an elevator with her.

Yaldabaoth happened to pass an apartment door that was still open.

He peered inside and happened to notice a bottle of champagne with two glasses on a small table in the middle of the room.

The leprechaun went inside and ignoring the two glasses, he drank straight from the bottle.

It was probably here that the leprechaun received his poisoning, Dr. Marmalade Montague deduced.

Someone must have added Fire Salamander poison to the bottle of champagne.

Judging from the amount of Fire Salamander poison in the champagne, this combination would have killed a mortal human within a space of 2 to 3 hours.

In Yaldabaoth’s case, being a somewhat usually immortal lepechaun, the poison didn’t kick in until 24 hours later when he entered the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka’s hotel room at the Imperial Aurora and noticed her wearing a killer mini skirt outfit.

The sudden rush of adrenaline with the combination of the champagne and Fire Salamander poison caused the leprechaun to keel over.

On the other hand as that classy and classically inclined arch villain Raymond Red Reddington once put it on an episode of The Blacklist, “Look on the bright side. At least he died with an enormous erection and a smile on his face.”

Dr. Marmalade Montague pushed a button and his contraption started pouring 1001 bottles of Hendrick’s gin down the leprechaun’s throat.

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Marmalade Montague rushes away from his Thames River bridge proposition after receiving a phone call that Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun had keeled over again.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 22nd
2021.

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