Hera, Dracul and Alexander The Great On Guy Fawkes Day
The Greek goddess Hera in London
Hera in her hotel room in London
Athelstan The Valet Listens To Portions of Renfield’s Podcast
The Greek goddess Hera listens to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
She was horrified by the possibility that Russian President Vladimir Putin might launch a nuclear attack on the West.
Renfield seemed to have insider information from Russia as well as knowing the contents of the Third Secret of Fatima (whose text the Vatican claimed to have released back in 2000 but they lied. They only released a vision associated with the secret not the secret itself).
Hera decided she must do something.
She didn’t want to see the destruction of planet Earth.
She got in touch with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I.
Theodora had been turned into a vampiress on June 28th 548 AD by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
Otherwise Theodora would have died from cancer.
“Hello,” Theodora picked up her phone at her estate in Athens, Greece.
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was not listening to Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
He was sniffing the needles on his marijuana smoking cactus planet which inhaled marijuana cigarettes and then exhaled marijuana smoke.
Biden believed the cactus needles were the hair of The Woman In Green.
The Woman In Green was the name of a 1945 Universal Pictures Sherlock Holmes film with Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson that he watched on late night television last night.
“Mr. President,” one of his aides entered the Oval Office.
“Ow,” Joe pricked his nose on a cactus needle, “What is it?”.
“The wealthy residents of Martha’s Vineyard are once again complaining about immigrants being sent there,” his aide said.
“Who’s sending immigrants this time?” Biden wiped his nose with a used diaper, “Ron DeSantis or Greg Abbot?”.
“Greg Abbott the Governor of Texas,” his aide answered, “But this recent batch of immigrants are different. These are zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors recently raised from the dead in Mexico by a South African witch doctor at the behest of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who’s the goddaughter of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (whom Utah Sen. Mitt Romney being Mormon thinks is the person of Jesus Christ when he visited the Americas according to Mormon teaching).”
“Why did Qonzilqointec send these zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors across the Mexico-U.S. border anyways?” Biden asked. “And does this Qonzilqointec have nice hair? Is it worth sniffing?”.
“Qonzilqointec is very beautiful, she does have nice hair and it probably is worth sniffing,” his aide explained.
“This new King Charles III of England was quite cranky when I sniffed the flowers on his mother’s coffin quite intently as the cameras looked away,” Biden recalled, “He asked me what the Hell I was doing? It was quite sad that it was a closed casket funeral. I quite enjoyed sniffing Her Majesty’s hair when she was alive. I wonder if…”
“Mr. President, to answer your 1st question,” his aide interjected, “The reason Qonzilqointec sent these living dead Aztec warriors across the border was to re-annex parts of the U.S. to a revived Aztec Empire.”
“But I don’t think Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts was ever part of the Aztec Empire,” Joe Biden reflected.
“It is now,” another aide entered the room.
. . .
Athelstan the butler and valet to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was doing his daily housecleaning duties around the Set Estate mansion.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who lived in the mansion) was doing his Thursday night podcast from his bedroom.
Athelstan occasionally listened in before going on to his next cleaning job.
As he passed the room, he heard Renfield say, “They are a bunch of Belgian waffles who have fruits all over them…”
“Is Renfield talking about breakfast?” Athelstan asked Amadeus Emanon as he walked by.
“No,” Athelstan shook his head, “I think he’s talking about the Belgian Conference of (supposedly) Catholic Bishops who have voted to approve blessing gay unions.”
Athelstan dusted Set’s statue of Napoleon.
He walked by Renfield’s room where he heard Renfield say, “The Vatican is a Communist craphole…”
When he finished dusting Set’s nude statue of Pauline Borghese as Venus Victrix, he passed Renfield’s room again where Renfield asked, “What does Joe Biden have in common with the Vatican?”.
When he had finished dusting the statue of Queen Cleopatra, again he passed Renfield’s room where Renfield said, “Meanwhile in other news, U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris is bitching that a group of zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors have taken over her house…”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday September 22nd
2022.
Xi In Kazakhstan
The Greek goddess Hera was in Astana Kazakhstan today.
As was Pope Francis and Communist China’s supreme despot Xi Jinping.
Hera was visiting Astana today because she had heard that Zeus would be attending the Kazakhstani 7th InterFaith Congress.
Zeus was most definitely in Astana (the Kazakh capital currently suffers under the revolting name Nur-Sultan named after a Kazakhstani politician and former President Nursultan Nazarbayev).
(Editor’s Note from Renfield R. Renfield: Due to the efforts of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst and blogger who has been pointing out in his blog posts the past few days that the name Astana reflects good taste while the name Nur-Sultan reflects bad taste , the government of Kazakhstan announced earlier today that it would be changing the Kazakh capital’s name back to Astana).
Zeus was here to chase a beautiful Jordanian princess (a distant cousin of Jordan’s King Abdullah II) who was here in Astana attending the InterFaith Congress on behalf of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.
After cornering the Jordanian princess and asking her to come back to his palace on Mount Olympus where Zeus told her, “I’ll show you the way I ride my bulls”, the Jordanian princess shouted “Revenge for Ixion!” and kicked Zeus in the groin with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
As Zeus lay on the ground groaning over his groin, Hera came by and hit Zeus over the head with the world’s largest watermelon that had been sent to the InterFaith Congress as a gift from former U.S. President Barack Obama.
Zeus now lay unconscious in a pool of Neo-Bolshevik red coloured juice while the ghost of Josef Stalin and the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) sang that old Platters hit song “Oh yes I’m the Great Pretender…”
And speaking of pretenders and imposters, Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) had to google Who Was Jesus Christ? prior to giving a speech because the so-called Holy Father had forgotten who He was.
And also in Astana Kazakhstan on this day was Communist China’s paramount leader and all round despotic tyrant Xi Jinping.
Xi’s visit to Astana Kazakhstan on this day was his first trip outside Communist China ever since he had released bat virus from the Wuhan Institute of Virology and had begun the plandemic.
“Unholy bat virus, Batman,” a talking robin spoke as he flew down on top of Xi’s hair and crapped all over him.
An immediate search was underway to find some PH Unbalanced Shampoo to shampoo the robin crap out of Xi’s hair.
A bottle was found in The Homicidal Sasquatch Pub in downtown Astana.
Sitting in the pub was the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg who was talking to the Russian made cyborg sex robot Sophia.
Sophia had been invented by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who now worked for the Russian FSB).
The cyborg sex robot Sophia had made out with Dracul Van Helsing on a roundtable in the Kazakh Palace of Religion in Astana in 2013.
An incident that was recorded in a geopolitical analyst’s blog post back in 2013 (although at that time the geopolitical analyst lived in Vancouver and not Calgary).
“You mean to say,” George Finneganburg quickly downed his beer, “that Dracul Van Helsing came up with a cyborg sex robot before I did? How the Hell am I going to break the news to Akira?”.
Once the robin crap had been washed out of Xi’s hair, he then met with Kazakh government officials.
After his Astana visit, Xi would be flying to the Russian capital of Moscow for a Kremlin summit meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in order to discuss the war in Ukraine.
As such, Xi had brought along his Supernatural spirit advisor the Black Dragon to Astana and the winged demon serpent covered in charcoal black would also be accompanying Xi to Moscow.
There the Black Dragon would be meeting with Putin’s supernatural advisor “Saint Michael the Archangel” (who was not really Saint Michael the Archangel but was really the demon Moloch posing as the Archangel Michael in an effort to fool the megalomaniacal would-be Deutero-Czar Peter the Great aka Putin).
Kwan Yin the immortal princess (venerated as the Goddess of Mercy in some sects of Buddhism) and her descendant the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan were keeping tags on Xi in Astana and would be following him to Moscow for his meeting with Putin.
Xi was now attending a state banquet in his honour with Kazakh government leaders in Astana.
Before Xi sat down at the banquet table, a small robotic Paddington Bear (called Paddy O’ Marmalade), who had been invented by Set Enterprises’ scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague, put a combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue down on Xi’s chair.
When Xi sat down, he got hopelessly stuck and couldn’t get up again.
As members of the Kazakh honour guard struggled to get Xi free from the chair that his pants were hopelessly glued to, the Paddington Bear robot named Paddy O’ Marmalade came and threw a Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg laced cream pie in his face.
The cream pie had been specially prepared and baked by Harvey Tallbanger the 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who worked as a secret agent for Set Enterprises.
Between his butt stuck to the chair and his face covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie, Xi did not really look like a great leader.
It was at that moment that the ghost of Winston Churchill (representing the British government) presented Xi with a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt.
Of course Xi could not put it on because of his current predicament.
Just then a holographic image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared and started to sing to the tune of the Beatles song Hey Jude:
“Hey Xi, don’t ask me why
Take a sad song and make it badder
Remember vaccines get under your skin
Changing your DNA
Until you become Transhuman, human, human, human, human,…”
Renfield was broadcasting from the living room of the Set Estate mansion in London, England.
In the background could be heard the sound of Amadeus Emanon opening the door to pick up the Chinese Food delivery they had ordered from a Chinese restaurant.
“Hey Amadeus,” Renfield piped up, “Ask the delivery guy how do you say “Xi Jinping, you are a total loser” in Chinese?”.
Amadeus asked.
And the Chinese Food delivery guy answered adding and ad libbing a few nasty pejoratives of his own.
Renfield spoke in perfect Mandarin (with some Cantonese thrown in for good measure) telling Xi that he was a total loser and throwing in the delivery guy’s added ad libbed nasty pejoratives of his own.
Xi was livid with rage although you couldn’t tell because his face was covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie while his bottom was still being pulled away from the butt locking combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue on his chair.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 14th
2022.
Greek Goddess Hera and Samhain Cardinal Salaman
The Greek goddess Hera was modelling at a fashion show in Rome, Italy
Bothered by the infidelity of her chronically unfaithful husband the Greek god Zeus, Hera was trying to gain some self confidence by modelling among the most beautiful women in the world at a fashion show in Rome.
Among the guests who would be attending the fashion show was Samhain Cardinal Salaman.
Cardinal Salaman was one of the few heterosexual Cardinals to work in Pope Francis’ Vatican which had been described by one commentator as “one vast uncloseted closet of gays”.
The Grindr hook-up app was the most downloaded app in the Vatican today.
Pope Alexander VI (aka Rodrigo Borgia) was turning over in his rotating barbeque spit down in Tartarus over the news that his Vatican of intense heterosexual lust and orgies had become a Vatican of intense homosexual lust and orgies under Pope Francis.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman was anxious to see real women for a change rather than the fairy queens who paraded up and down the halls of the contemporary Vatican.
Although according to members of Joe Biden’s cabinet and the brainless mainstream media there was no such being as a real woman anymore.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman was impressed by Hera’s performance on the catwalk in this early September Roman fashion show.
After the show was over, he went backstage to the dressing rooms to talk to the Olympian goddess.
“Excuse me but aren’t you the Greek goddess Hera?” Samhain Cardinal Salaman asked her.
Hera the beautiful goddess (often left alone by the “always searching for a new pussy” Zeus) turned to look at him.
“I am,” she answered, “Aren’t you Samhain Cardinal Salaman the only heterosexual Cardinal who works full time at the Vatican?”.
Later that evening the Cardinal and the goddess had dinner and wine together in an exclusive Rome restaurant.
“So how did you recognize me?” Hera asked the Cardinal.
“From your busts, statues and portraits that are kept in the lower floors of the Vatican,” Samhain answered, “At one time they were on the main floor of the Vatican but after Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected Pope, all those works of art were moved downstairs and replaced by all the busts, naked statues and nude portraits of the ancient Greek gods. No goddesses allowed.”
“It’s a wonder why Francis has not commissioned new works of art for the Vatican that are inclined towards his tastes,” Hera licked a pair of olives from her martini.
“Well it was tried once with a notorious Australian male model named Uncle Ernie (who had posed for Salvador Dali back in the 1950s). Uncle Ernie served as the model for a nude Goliath. However after the world’s first microscope, invented by Dutch father and son team Hans and Zacharias Janssen in 1590 and kept in the Vatican Archives, was broken after the papal investigation team tried to locate something that was apparently far far less than gargantuan on Uncle Ernie posing as Goliath’s statue, a new work of art was never commissioned again,” Cardinal Salaman explained.
“Interesting,” Hera swallowed the olives.
They got around to discussing the recently failed Artemis 1 moon rocket launches.
“I’ve been told they failed because Artemis is furious that Joe Biden apparently killed at least two of her sacred deer on a deer hunting expedition last fall,” Cardinal Salaman ate his spaghetti.
“That is true,” Hera nodded, “Originally Artemis just thought that one of her sacred deer was slain. So senile old fool Joe sacrificed a daughter from an extra marital affair to Artemis last Thursday in Philadelphia. Just before Joe gave his Hitlerian Fuhrer like speech (with Nazi flag colours in the background behind him) in Philadelphia in which he threatened to send the military after half of the electorate in the country. ”
“Yes, I heard that Joe did such a good job at impersonating a Hitler under the influence of alcohol and an Henry VIII style over indulgence in roast beef (the original Fuhrer was both a teetotaler and a vegetarian) that apparently an independent film producer is thinking of making a film in which both Joe Biden and Justin Trudeau will have the lead starring roles,” Cardinal Salaman noted, “The movie will be about Adolf Hitler meeting Jesse Owens at the 1936 Summer Olympics.”
“Yes, I heard that too,” Hera smiled.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Monday September 5th
2022.
Hera Reflects On Zeus’ Many Infidelities
.
The Greek goddess Hera was in a hotel room reflecting on her husband Zeus’ many infidelities.
She had borrowed the ravens Huginn and Muninn from her friend the Norse god Odin to spy on her unfaithful spouse.
Zeus had gone to Ottawa, Ontario, Canada to see if he could pick up some of the truckers’ wives and girlfriends while the truckers were busy protesting the Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau and his vaccine mandates.
Huginn and Munnin flew to Hera on her Ottawa hotel balcony with the bad news.
Hera sat on her bed totally shattered.
Just then Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing entered Hera’s hotel bedroom because he had been given the wrong hotel key card by the hotel clerk.
Van Helsing was in Ottawa to slay a bunch of Soviet Stalinist vampires.
A Canadian federal government financed expedition to Siberia located a mine where Stalin had put a bunch of Soviet Stalinist vampires on ice for the day when they were truly needed.
Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau figured they were needed now so he had ordered the financing of the expedition.
The bodies were being dethawed in the basement of the National Archives Building in Ottawa.
Van Helsing and other members of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters went in and staked the 300 Soviet Stalinist vampires through the heart.
Outside the building a convoy truck played the Bonnie Tyler hit song Total Eclipse of The Heart.
Van Helsing seeing Hera depressed offered to make love to her.
Hera accepted.
And so he did.
. . .
Out in the streets of Ottawa Zeus was trying to pick up the girlfriend of a truck driver from Texas named Pecos Bill (the truck driver was named Pecos Bill not the girlfriend. These were not Joe Biden gender pronoun challenged cabinet appointees).
It just so happened outside Pecos Bill’s truck that the Norse thunder god Thor and the Norse trickster god Loki were playing a game of cards.
Thor was busy counting how many aces he had up his sleeve.
While Thor was preoccupied, Pecos Bill picked up Thor’s hammer Mjolnir and went and hit Zeus over the head with it.
The Olympian sky god was knocked out cold.
. . .
Amadeus Emanon was talking to Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds about vaccine mandates across the world.
“There’s one thing that the strongest proponents of vaccine mandates across the world have in common,” Father Bury Saint Edmunds pointed out.
“What’s that?” Amadeus asked.
“They’re all apostate Roman Catholics,” Father Bury Saint Edmunds noted, “All strongly pro-Moloch child sacrifice and strongly pro-Sodom and Gomorrah in the mold of the apostate Pope Francis. America’s Joe Biden, Canada’s Justin Trudeau, France’s Emmanuel Macron, Austria’s Karl Nehammer and Italy’s Mario Draghi. All full of the spirit of Pope Francis’ “god of surprises” and all puppets of World Economic Forum Chairman Klaus Schwab and George Soros.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 29th
2022.
Scavenger Hunt On The Amalfi Coast
The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in an arm chair in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion and reflecting on a yacht trip he had made to Italy’s Amalfi Coast in 1953.
The Amalfi Coast is a stretch of coastline on the Tyrrhenian Sea located in the Gulf of Salerno in Southern Italy.
Welles recalled he wasn’t quite sure how he got to the Amalfi Coast.
The last thing he remembered was being on Spain’s Meditteranean coast and imbibing in several glasses of red wine.
The next thing Welles remembered was waking up on a yacht off the Amalfi Coast.
The yacht belonged to an Arab sheikh.
Welles got off the yacht not far from the town of Ravello.
He wandered around the town and ran into an acquaintance fellow actor Humphrey Bogart.
Bogart was in the town along with actresses Jennifer Jones and Gina Lollobrigida and actors Robert Morley, Peter Lorre and Bernard Lee.
They were shooting the 1953 adventure comedy film Beat The Devil.
Bogey teased Welles as they sat in a small outdoor cafe.
“Well, Orson, this film is obviously about beating you,” Bogey smiled, “You’re usually playing a villain in most of your films whether it’s a megalomaniacal newspaper publisher, an ex-Nazi on the verge of becoming a U.S. Supreme Court justice’s son-in-law, a post-war black marketeer on the streets of Vienna or a Renaissance Borgia prince. Your characters are usually human devils of some form or another. Thus as the film title suggests Beat The Devil is about beating you.”
Welles wasn’t about to take this insult lying down.
He answered, “I did play a heroic role in the 1947 film The Lady From Shanghai where my soon-to-be ex-wife played the villainess. Besides in many of your film roles in the 1930s, you often played gangster or mean tough guy roles.”
“Yes but later I played great heroic roles like Rick in Casablanca and Philip Marlowe in The Big Sleep so I was quite the heroic hero whereas you were usually the villainous villain,” Bogey laughed.
“Well, pick a game,” Welles challenged, “I bet I can beat you at it. And then we’ll see who’s the Devil.”
At that moment Gina Lollobrigida approached.
Bogey told her about Welles’ challenge.
The Italian actress suggested an old fashioned scavenger hunt.
Welles and Bogey agreed.
Gina said she would pick what was to be located and found.
She gave the same list to each actor.
Both Welles and Bogey set out on the scavenger hunt.
Welles had spent the entire morning searching.
And he had located what was to be located on Gina’s scavenger list.
Now it was early afternoon and Welles came to the final item on the list.
“What?!” Welles exclaimed, “Find the Greek goddess Hera sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach? How is that even possible?”.
Still Welles headed down to the beach.
Where he noticed a beautiful woman who looked like a goddess sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach.
“Excuse me,” Welles addressed the woman, “but you aren’t the Greek goddess Hera by any chance?”.
“I am, Mr. Welles,” the goddess answered, “I’m a big fan of yours so I came down from Mount Olympus to help you beat Bogey.”
Welles took Hera to the cafe where sat Gina and Bogey.
Bogey was looking dejected as he had been unable to find the goddess Hera sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach.
When Welles introduced the woman as Hera and swore on a King James Bible that he had found her sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach, Bogey objected, “I believe that you did find her sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach but how do we know this woman is really Hera?”.
Hera then called on the gods Zeus and Hermes to appear.
When they did so appearing out of thin air, Bogey conceded defeat while Gina looked very surprised.
Angered by his scavenger hunt loss, Bogey went for a car ride where he got into an accident losing several of his teeth.
As a result while adjusting to the loss of his teeth, Bogey was unable to speak clearly and therefore actor Peter Sellers (who was not then well known at the time but had a talent for imitating voices) was hired to dub some of Bogey’s lines speaking like Bogey.
Some of the lines had to be re-dubbed because Sellers instead of speaking like Bogey spoke like Indian actor Hrundi V. Bakshi whom Sellers would later play in the 1968 movie The Party.
And thus that was how through the help of the Greek goddess Hera, Welles was able to beat Bogey at a scavenger hunt.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 10th
2021.
Hera and The Gangsters
The Greek goddess Hera starring in a 1930s Broadway play about gangsters
It was the decade of the 1930s.
And the Greek goddess Hera was honing her theatrical skills by starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.
It was dress rehearsal night – the evening before the official opening.
Hera was awaiting the arrival of the gangster boss Big Frank Malone.
A man came on stage wearing a fedora hat and gangster suit and carrying a big violin case.
Hera, speaking out of character, said, “You don’t look like John Barrymore to me.”
“I’m afraid John is a bit under the weather tonight,” the understudy replacement for John Barrymore replied.
“How many bottles did he have to drink today?” Hera asked.
“You know the real Barrymore obviously,” Dracul Van Helsing, who had time travelled from the future and was now playing the role of Big Frank Malone in this play about gangsters, replied.
“That’s funny,” the ghost of Orson Welles, who had likewise time travelled from the future, remarked as he sat in the front row, “I don’t ever recall John Barrymore starring in a play about gangsters.”
“He possibly drank before each performance and never made it to the stage,” Van Helsing noted.
“By Jove, I think you’re right,” Welles agreed.
“Please, don’t use one of my husband’s Roman names,” Hera stood up.
“I forgot,” Welles bowed, “I do apologize.”
Hera approached Van Helsing, “Well, Dracul, since you’ve come from the future to step in for the great John Barrymore, perhaps we can do an improvisational performance tonight.”
“And what improvisational performance did you have in mind?” Van Helsing inquired.
“How about making out here on the stage?” Hera smiled.
And Hera and Van Helsing did just that.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.
As Hera and Van Helsing made out, soon thunder and lightning flashed around the stage.
“And furthermore, I just would happen to be in the very theatre on the night the Greek god Zeus decided to attend a Broadway play,” Welles’ ghost sighed.
The next day a hangover stricken John Barrymore was asked what happened to the theatre as it lay in ruins.
“Well, I know people are once again going to say this was a hallucination brought on by too much drink on my part,” Barrymore commented, “but it was an angry and cuckholded Greek god Zeus who destroyed this theatre because his wife the Olympian queen Hera was making out with a mortal.”
The members of the New York press laughed and shook their heads.
And that was the reason history has no record of John Barrymore starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.
The ghost of radio announcer Paul Harvey appeared in front of the lightning produced charred ashes of the theatre and gave his usual radio show sign-off, “And now you know the rest of the story.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 1st
2021.
Hera At Versailles
The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King
“So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.
In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.
“So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.
“Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.
“Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.
“One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.
“I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.
“Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.
He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.
The paper was then eaten by a poodle.
“I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.
He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.
The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.
Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.
Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.
“Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.
“You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”
“I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”
“Same here,” Van Helsing stated.
“Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.
“It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.
“And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.
“Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.
“I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.
“Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.
Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.
“Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”
At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.
As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.
Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.
Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.
Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.
“Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 26th
2021.
Renfield, Franz Kohler, Van Helsing, Hera and Zeus On The 75th Anniversary of Hitler’s Death
Renfield, Franz Kohler, Van Helsing, Hera and Zeus On The 75th Anniversary of Hitler’s Death
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was being interviewed by an independent radio station in Great Falls, Montana.
“So, what do you think of New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio attacking New York’s Hasidic Jewish community in one of his tweets because so many people attended a rabbi’s funeral in Brooklyn?” The interviewer asked.
“Antisemitism can now be added to Bill de Blasio’s long list of inherent stupidities,” Renfield answered.
“Turning towards economics here in America, as millions of Americans are now losing their jobs as a result of the Coronavirus lockdown, the ultra-wealthy elite such as Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, Microsoft founder Bill Gates and Berkshire Hathaway’s Warren Buffett have made an extra $282 billion in just 23 days of the pandemic, what’s your comment on that?” Asked the Great Falls radio journalist.
“In any shitty situation, the super rich always seem to come up smelling like a rose while the rest of us find our bones and blood and tears and sweat mixed in with the rest of the huge amounts of fertilizer dumped on all the middle and lower strata of society,” Renfield replied.
“Is there a way out of this pandemic and what does the post pandemic world hold for us?” The journalist inquired.
“Well Doris Day sang the answer to that question a lot better than I ever could in her song Que Sera, Sera,” said Renfield, “but I will say this, if you honestly believe that a perfect world can be achieved by the likes of Bill Gates, Pope Francis, the Chinese Communist Party, John Kerry, Greta Thunberg, Michael Moore and the whole Transgender movement, you’re crazy.”
. . .
It was 75 years ago today that Nazi Germany’s Fuhrer Adolf Hitler committed suicide only hours after he married his mistress Eva Braun.
What numerous assassination attempts over the years failed to accomplish, marriage succeeded in doing in a few hours.
. . .
“Shit,” Herr Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau said upon hearing the news that Der Fuhrer was dead.
“What is it?” His assistant asked.
“Ironically, with my twisted sense of humour, I had hid the secret formula for Vril energy in a room in the British Museum in London,” Kohler’s tears fell into his sauerkraut, “And now that we’ve lost the war, the Allies may find it.”
. . .
The Greek goddess Hera was standing in a room in the British Museum listening to a jazz rehearsal.
It had come to her attention that two time travellers – Herr Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing – would be racing across the corridors of time to be the first to get to this room on this particular date in 1945.
Van Helsing was the first to arrive carrying his Houdini-Pantages-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern film projector which allowed him to time travel.
“Glad to see you’re the first to arrive, Van Helsing,” Hera smiled at him, “Care to make out?”.
As Van Helsing was busy making out with the Greek goddess Hera, a blue eyed white wolf belonging to the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka carried the secret formula for Vril energy back across time before the SS’ Herr Franz Kohler arrived on the scene.
Meanwhile in a London hotel dining room, the Greek god Zeus was enjoying a feast fit for a king when the ghost of William Shakespeare came up to him and whispered in his ear, “Thou has just been cuckholded.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 30th
2020.
Carnevale In Venice: Masque of The Dread Death
Carnevale In Venice: Masque of The Dread Death
Coronavirus spreads
like jam on bread
China, Iran, South Korea,
Northern Italy
Wide clusters of cases
Authorities decree
no carnevale masque balls
In Venice
The night before Ash Wednesday
Thus Lent will arrive early for many
Mardi Gras in New Orleans
Parades and music
Party goers dance
Voodoo spells
Driven away by sounds of jazz
Many dollars are spent on the French Quarter
In Canada, Shrove Tuesday
aka National Pancake Day
Justin Trudeau with
post-Magical Mystery Tour pot smoke munchies
eats two dozen pancakes
covered in patriotic maple syrup
Goes to give speech on how to end child hunger
Ends up with a loss for words
But in Venice
no joy on the canal
Coronavirus has come out
But the children of the night
are natural rebels
Like wolves outside a Transylvanian nobleman’s castle
What music they make
They put on masks
Ladies in lovely Renaissance style evening gowns
Men wearing white wigs
And wearing Age of Louis XIV attire
likewise mask themselves
Rent gondolas
And sail canals of Venice
In defiance of authorities
Dance on the streets
One son of Night
wearing a New York Knicks
t-shirt walks around singing,
“I am what I am”
On his face he wears the Greek mask of Comedy
At the back of his head the Greek mask of Tragedy
He goes up to people with his happy smiling laughing face
He touches them gently
They fall to ground dead
He walks away
And you can see the sad crying unhappy face
He goes into an elegant Venetian hotel
And up to a room
Where he opens the door
And there is the Greek goddess Hera
The Queen of Olympus
Hera speaks,
Thanatos, son of Nyx,
You have turned a carnevale cruise
into Charon’s ferry ride across the Styx.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 25th
2020.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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