Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Aesthetic Crusade and Hillary’s Nightmare

September 24, 2020 at 10:32 pm (Vampire novel, News, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Aesthetics) (, , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had gone to a nearby grocery store to buy himself some Mango and Guava juice (to start the new autumn season by eating and drinking healthy).

Pan Goatee’s serial killing specialty was to kill ugly looking women (or as he called them “female facially aesthetically challenged” so as not to be so politically offensive in an age of extreme political correctness where people are so easily offended about everything).

As Goatee returned from the grocery store and walked across the street to his home, he noticed a fat ugly blimp walking her dog (a dog of the four legged variety as opposed to the two legged variety).

The fat ugly blimp’s dog took a shit on the lawn of the house where Pan Goatee rented a room.

“Leaping toadstools!” Goatee exclaimed, “You walk around with your fat ugly face ruining the aesthetic environment of an early autumn evening and then your dog takes a shit on my lawn? Why don’t you potty train him to take a shit on your face? At least that way it would be a huge improvement.”

Goatee then beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his astral laser machete.

He beheaded the dog as well for crapping on his lawn.

Nanites from Hell arrived to eat the remains of the fat ugly blimp and her crapping dog.

After Goatee had put his Mango and Guava juice away, he was so angry about the encounter with the fat ugly blimp and her crapping dog, he decided to go for a long walk hoping that seeing the autumn colours of the trees would improve his mood.

But the colours of the trees had not changed colour yet.

It must be all the hot air flowing from City Hall these days as the city’s fat chubby Mayor (who lucky for him was male otherwise his political career might have come to an abrupt and sudden end when Goatee moved into the city) and his brainless city councillors and even more brainless bureaucrats didn’t seem to know how to run a city, Goatee fumed.

The hot air from City Hall was preventing the leaves on the trees from changing colour.

Goatee decided to turn around and head home.

His mood even more sour than ever.

Then lo and behold! his mood worsened when an even fatter and uglier fat ugly blimp than the one he encountered earlier in the evening was walking down the street right at him.

“What’s with you uglos?” Goatee noted as he beheaded her, “This must be part of a George Soros funded plot to lower the morale of what used to be western civilization and pave the way for a global Communist revolution. They’ve even got fat ugly blimps doing TV ads for the Big Spin Wheel Lottery whereas in the past they used to have beautiful women doing it. This Great Reset as Soros and the UN call it is off to a piss poor start in my opinion. And my lawn if it could talk would say it’s off to a crappy start!”.

. . .

“Unholy Mother of Beelzebub!” Hillary Clinton woke up screaming, “I had a nightmare where I dreamed I was being beheaded by a genetically created satyr hot off the test tubes and hot off the pages of classical Greek mythology and he was speaking hilariously funny Oscar Wilde style witticisms as he beheaded me.”

“I had the same nightmare!” Bill said as he woke up with a huge smile on his face.

“Have you been sleep writing phone numbers again?” Hillary grabbed the pen and paper away from the former Fornicator-In-Chief.

Hillary became enraged, “Why did you write down Monica Lewinsky’s phone number?”.

“Did I write down Monica Lewinsky’s phone number?” Bill blushed, “I meant to write down Ariana Grande’s. I imagine Monica is quite old by now. And I really enjoyed ogling Ariana Grande’s ass along with the Rev. Jesse Jackson at Aretha Franklin’s funeral two years ago. I was wanting to have Ariana perform with me a duet version of that old Dolly Parton song Here You Come Again.”

Hillary hit Bill over the head with a cactus plant.

. . .

Pope Francis looked at the shooter style mean looking alcohol concoction in his gay papal secretary’s shooter glass.

“What’s that drink called?” The Communist pontiff inquired.

“It’s called a Cthulhu,” his secretary answered.

“A what?” Francis looked confused.

“A Cthulhu,” the secretary replied, “named after a fictional monster created by the American horror writer H.P. Lovecraft.”

“What does it taste like?” Francis asked.

“I guess I’m about to find out,” the secretary smiled and downed the shooter.

He immediately disintegrated.

Both flesh and bones (most of his bones anyways).

Only his skull remained.

“I don’t think I shall ever order one of those,” Francis remarked as he rang his bell to ask his valet to bring him a new secretary.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 24th
2020.

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Behind The Scenes of The DNC

August 19, 2020 at 10:25 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been talking to a friend of his who was an Alberta based geopolitical analyst.

The friend mentioned two books written by the same man that had strongly influenced his life.

The man was Malachi Martin a former Jesuit priest who had left the Jesuit order because it had pretty well been taken over by Marxists.

The two books by Martin were first The Final Conclave and the second was The Keys of This Blood.

The Final Conclave written by Martin was published in 1978.

It described a future conclave in which a Communist was elected Pope.

That happened in March 2013 with the election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina who took the name Pope Francis.

The second was The Keys of This Blood published in 1990 in which a KGB plot was described whereby the countries of Central and Eastern Europe would be allowed to go free and the USSR would undergo a transition towards a more democratic state.

The KGB plot was a 30 year plan to turn the United States of America into a Communist state from within.

Once the U.S. went Communist, then the whole world would go Communist.

And it would happen without a single nuclear weapon being fired reasoned the KGB planners.

Now 30 years later in 2020, the plan would be complete with the senility prone Joe Biden (a most malleable puppet of his Communist overseers if there ever was one) winning the Presidency.

Renfield then watched some highlights from last night’s Democratic National Convention – a virtual convention which was turning out to be duller and even more cheesy than a PBS local community fundraiser.

It would definitely make Dr. Frasier Crane singing Buttons and Bows for a pre-Bolshevik Revolution Seattle PBS fundraising telethon look like a Giuseppe Verdi opera by comparison.

Renfield viewed the highlights using Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Supernatural Entity Detector Lens allowing Renfield to view what was really going on behind the scenes.

The lens allowed Renfield to see what was happening just prior to Bill Clinton (looking 99.9% dead and a living corpse) addressing the American people and telling them to cast their votes for Joe Biden.

Hillary entered a room and shouted, “Bill! Bill! It’s time for your address to the virtual Democratic National Convention!”.

Bill is lying on a couch looking very much dead and decomposed and lying under a mountain of dust and huge spider woven cob webs.

“Oh shit! He’s dead!” Hillary exclaimed angrily, “I didn’t know he had died. I rarely ever speak to him. Chelsea mentioned on her last visit that “Dad isn’t looking well at all” but as I said to her at the time, he looks like just the way he looked whenever he returned from Jeffrey Epstein’s Lesser Saint James Virgin Island. He was probably dead back then when Chelsea told me that he wasn’t looking well at all.”

Hillary grabbed her Haitian Voodoo Spell Book and turned to the chapter on Raising People From The Dead.

“I’ve never been able to successfully cast a voodoo spell before,” Hillary started chanting voodoo spells in much the same way as a Pentecostal preacher might attempt to chant a Latin Gregorian chant from the pre-Vatican II Catholic Church, “Baron Samedi don’t fail me now. It might be highly embarrassing if I have to tell the Democratic National Convention via livestream that Bill has died. Especially after asking Mexican authorities if I could borrow the ice pick axe with which Stalinist agent Ramon Mercader murdered Leon Trotsky almost 80 years ago to the very day now.”

Surprisingly the loa of Haitian voodoo heard Hillary’s earnest chanting (or more likely they were irritated by her ear piercing shrieks) and Bill was raised from the dead.

“Thank goodness, you brought me back from the dead, dear,” Bill gasped, “Because Cerberus was busy chewing on my tiny third leg. Someone neglected to put all that Mena, Arkansas Airport money in my mouth so I could pay Charon the Ferryman across the River Styx.”

Bill then addressed Democrats via livestream telling them that America needed a President who respected the sanctity of the Oval Office.

Watching Bill’s little speech on television at home, Monica Lewinsky almost choked on the banana she was eating when Bill Clinton talked about the sanctity of the Oval Office.

Then after Joe Biden had formally been elected the Democratic Party Presidential nominee, a choir of demons from Hell rose up on to the empty convention stage to sing,

“And crown him, crown him,
crown him, crown him,
and crown him lord of all.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 19th
2020.

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Winter Solstice Cheer At The Clintons

December 21, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Winter Solstice Cheer At The Clintons

Some friends of Bill and Hillary Clinton had dropped around their place for a Happy Winter Solstice Party.

After hanging their coats up and passing the statue of the ancient Roman god Saturn arm wrestling with the Persian Mithraic/Roman god Sol Invictus, the couple walked into the living room.

There on the living room floor was Hillary Clinton on all fours.

She had grown herself a pair of horns on her head as well as claws, paws and hooves on her feet and fangs and tusks on her teeth.

She was foaming at the mouth, “Tulsi Gabbard is a Russian asset, Tulsi Gabbard is a Russian asset…”
which she kept repeating over and over again.

“What’s the matter with Hillary?” One of the friends asked Bill.

“Well,” Bill explained, “She’s been like that ever since Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard voted Present but did not vote either Yes or No at the House of Representatives Congressional vote on Donald Trump’s impeachment earlier this week.”

“Jesus Christ said if you’re neither hot nor cold, if you’re lukewarm, then He would vomit you out of His mouth,” Hillary noted, “Therefore Tulsi, I vomit you out of my mouth.”

Hillary then spewed forth green pea soup in Linda Blair like Exorcist fashion out of her mouth.

“Now Hillary is comparing herself to Jesus Christ,” another friend noted.

“Which is proof positive that Hillary isn’t feeling well,” Bill nodded his head, “since usually she thinks of herself as superior to Jesus Christ.”

Then Bill added, “Which is exactly the same way some Republican Congressmen see Donald Trump. As superior to Jesus Christ.”

Outside the Lincoln Memorial in the Capitol, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln looked on sadly as the lights seemed to go out all over Washington DC.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 21st
2019.

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Moloch, Hillary Clinton and Carthage

November 12, 2019 at 11:07 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Moloch, Hillary Clinton and Carthage

The city of Rome was hosting an exhibit to its once great ancient rival Carthage.

The exhibit is called Carthago: The Immortal Myth.

As part of the exhibit, the statue of Moloch who was worshipped as a god by the Canaanites, the Phoenicians and the Carthaginians was placed at the entrance to Rome’s Colosseum as part of the exhibition.

During the witching hour, some people reported seeing the ghost of Nero playing his violin while ghostly lions roared around the Colosseum and Hannibal’s ghost sat in the stands ordering giant bags of spectral popcorn and peanuts for his ghostly elephants.

The Moloch statue itself, as noted by the ghost of the great Carthaginian general Hannibal, wasn’t an exact replica of the statue worshipped by the Carthaginians.

Rather it was a replica of the statue of Moloch as it appeared in the 1914 Italian silent film Cabiria.

At the statue’s unveiling back in September, there were reports that the ghost of Charlie Chaplin (in a revisiting of his role of the Little Tramp in the 1931 film City Lights) was found sleeping on the Moloch statue’s lap when it was unveiled.

Hillary Clinton, who was currently visiting the United Kingdom, briefly flew in to Rome on her broomstick to pay homage to the god Moloch.

The former Secretary of State threw a bag of Russian rubles on to the ancient god’s lap and made 3 wishes.

She then flew back to London where she appeared on a British news show and denounced the British government for not releasing a report into Russian interference in British elections prior to the upcoming December 12th UK General Election.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield who sat on the British House of Commons Foreign Affairs and Intelligence Committee was then invited on to the show to rebut Ms. Clinton’s charges.

“If we release the report prior to the election,” said Renfield, “then Putin and his officials will know how much we know about the extent of their operations and will change their tactics prior to the December 12th election and we will be left scrambling to find out what they’re up to. Ms. Clinton in making her demands for the report’s release at this stage is showing herself to be almost as stupid as Donald Trump is.”

Ms. Clinton foamed at the mouth that she had never been so insulted in all her life to which Renfield replied that she should really get out more often.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 12th
2019.

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Hillary Clinton’s Neo-McCarthyism and Russian Assets Under Every Mattress

October 23, 2019 at 10:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Hillary Clinton’s Neo-McCarthyism and Russian Assets Under Every Mattress

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was at his laptop in his living room looking at the website Nubile Young Babes when he suddenly noticed his wife former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton flying in on her broomstick out the window.

Bill quickly moved over to the New York Times website where he pretended to be highly engrossed in an article on geothermal engineering and technology.

“How did all your TV interviews go today, dear?” Bill asked Hillary as she came strolling through the door with her broomstick.

“Wonderful,” Hillary smiled as she removed toads and snakes out of her boots, “I had a blast telling everyone that Tulsi Gabbard was a Russian asset.”

“Good for you, dear,” Bill commented as he tried to visualize what Tulsi Gabbard would look like in a blue dress.

“Even BBC interviewed me,” Hillary turned on the TV by wrinkling her nose instead of using the remote, “I wonder if that interview is on yet.”

Hillary wrinkled her nose again and the channel switched to BBC World News.

Rather than Hillary, it was British MP Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering being interviewed.

“Moving across the pond to the question of U.S. politics, Mr. Renfield,” the interviewer inquired, “Why do you think Hillary Clinton has it in for Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard and is calling her a Russian asset?”.

“Because Tulsi who has actually fought in a war unlike Hillary or her husband Bill,” Renfield replied, “knows that going into war is no laughing matter.”

Hillary cackled at Renfield’s response.

“And of course Hillary is part of the perpetual regime change war machine that dominates Washington D.C. in both parties Republican and Democrat,” Renfield went on, “and Tulsi wants to end this insane U.S. policy of perpetual war. Better to spend the U.S. budget on programs that benefit the American people such as better health care and education.”

“What hogwash!” Hillary commented as she bathed her pet pig Beelzebub in a tub of water.

“But still Tulsi is not that high up in the poll ratings is she?” The BBC interviewer asked, “Why would Hillary consider the representative from Hawaii a threat to Washington DC’s perpetual regime change war machine?”.

“Well of course the polls that the establishment media such as CNN, The New York Times and The Washington Post drone on and on about show Tulsi not doing well,” Renfield agreed, “but one of the very few areas where I’m actually in agreement with Donald Trump is in referring to these establishment media outlets as fake news. Those polls that show Tulsi doing well they ignore as does the DNC (Democratic National Commitee). This past summer after the debate in which Tulsi Gabbard ko’d Kamala Harris out of the U.S. Democratic Presidential race, many polls showed up putting Tulsi Gabbard in first place. So of course the establishment media ignored those polls and the DNC immediately changed the rules of which polls they follow to decide who’d participate in the next round of presidential debates. They didn’t want the Establishment’s preferred candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren to be ko’d by Tulsi Gabbard so they kept Tulsi out of the next rounds of debates save of course this last one which Tulsi had considered boycotting because of the DNC’s manipulations.”

“So in your opinion, Elizabeth Warren is the Democratic Party establishment’s preferred candidate?” The interviewer asked.

“Yes, Sen. Elizabeth Warren whom Trump once referred to as Pocahontas,” Renfield nodded, “Speaking of which just the other day I happened to run into the ghost of Captain John Smith who’s on temporary dispensational leave from Purgatory. And Captain John Smith’s ghost addressing this very subject said, “I knew Pocahontas. I was a friend of Pocahontas. Sen. Elizabeth Warren is no Pocahontas.” So there’s a different perspective for you.”

The BBC interviewer helped himself to a stiff shot of whisky after Renfield’s last remark and continued, “And you think Tulsi is still doing well in other polls? And this is why Secretary Clinton is attacking her and calling her a Russian asset?”.

“I do,” Renfield nodded again, “You have to understand that there’s really only one political party in the United States of America. A political party that I call the Perpetual War, Sleaze, Corruption and Pedophilia Party. And this Perpetual War, Sleaze, Corruption and Pedophilia Party happens to be made up of two wings. A left wing called the Democrats. And a right wing called the Republicans. But it’s all devoted to one and the same cause- promoting perpetual war, sleaze, corruption and pedophilia. And the good warmongering Hillary Clinton will attack anybody who stands outside that cause such as Tulsi Gabbard.”

Hillary coughed up numerous flies and locusts with scorpion tails at Renfield’s last remark, “That Renfield must be a Russian asset himself. Where does he get off saying that there really is only one political party in the U.S. the Perpetual War, Sleaze, Corruption and Pedophilia Party?”.

“I have no idea, dear,” Bill answered who was thinking about the numerous times he had flown down to Florida with Jeffrey Epstein on his private plane.

“I’m so angry, I’m going to order myself a pizza,” Hillary picked up her mobile phone and phoned a pizza place that was noted for not making very good pizza.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 23rd
2019.

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Renfield On Why Putin Didn’t Want Hillary As President

April 24, 2019 at 10:07 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , )

Renfield R. Renfield MP was once again being interviewed on BBC News.

The topic was why Vladimir Putin didn’t want to see Hillary Clinton elected President of the U.S. in 2016.

“Well,” Renfield answered, “I’m sure Putin observed very carefully the successful foreign policy that Hillary implemented as Barack Obama’s Secretary of State. Her and Barack Obama’s interference in the internal affairs of Libya and Syria turned those two countries into the bastions of stability and beacons of light that the world can easily recognize in both nations today. Had not Gen. Abdel al-Sisi overthrown the hardline Islamist government of Egypt that was elected to power in the wake of Bararack and Hillary’s toppling of long time western ally Hosni Mubarak, Egypt would most likely be an anarchic basketcase like Libya or a war-torn bombshell of a country like Syria. The only successful case in the entire so-called Arab Spring of 2011 was in Tunisia and that was because that insurrection was planned by the Tunisian people themselves and not interfering American busybodies like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Fortunately for the world, Hillary retired as Secretary of State in 2013 to start planning her campaign to be U.S. President in 2016. Also fortunate for the world, Putin recognized that with the incredible harm Hillary managed to accomplish as U.S. Secretary of State, she would manage to do even more incredible harm as President. From thereon, she was a marked woman as far as Putin was concerned. Now today, she’s a woman reduced to sticking pins in voodoo dolls as she herself mentioned in her last book. Fortunately for her opponents, her voodoo is about as good as the witchcraft spells being cast on a daily basis by Antichrist Hollywood’s resident airhead Alyssa Milano.”

“And so America got stuck with Trump?” The interviewer noted.

“Yes, America got stuck with Trump,” Renfield nodded, “we now know that Trump’s idea of making America great again was to have the country looking like Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral on the morning of April 16th 2019. But at least it’s just America that has paid the price. We don’t have to worry about other countries falling into either anarchy or civil war because those on the American so-called progressive Left figure that what’s good enough for the American so-called progressive Left is good enough for the rest of the world.”

Hillary made a voodoo doll of Renfield after watching the interview.

“Ouch!” She suddenly screamed from the living room.

“What’s up?” Bill called out from the kitchen where he had been making himself Joe Biden’s recipe for a baloney sandwich.

The same recipe Biden would be using before delivering an important speech tomorrow.

“I’ve pricked my thumb with a pin,” Hillary cried.

“Have you been making voodoo dolls again?” Bill asked.

“Yes,” Hillary answered.

“Say, you weren’t expecting a visit from Alyssa Milano were you?” Bill queried.

“No,” Hillary shook her head, “why do you ask?”.

“I noticed some damned fool just flew her broomstick into the birdbath and now she’s being attacked by a flock of pigeons,” Bill gave verbal commentary while looking out the kitchen window.

“Charmed, I’m sure,” the talking pigeon who led the flock of birds quipped as he crapped all over her.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 24th
2019.

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Dark Witchcraft In American Politics and At The Vatican

October 12, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Dark Witchcraft In American Politics and At The Vatican

Pan Goatee was riding the bus back to his home when he noticed a hideously fat ugly white blimp riding at the back of the bus.

Goatee was astounded.

He was positive that he had beheaded the fat ugly bitch only weeks earlier.

He turned around and faced the front (for he was sitting at the front of the bus) so he wouldn’t have to look at her fat ugly repulsive aesthetically challenged face.

Just then a thin ugly white scarecrow (who would indeed be good at scaring off crows and everybody else for that matter) got on at the front of the bus and then sat directly across from him.

“What the fuck?” Goatee thought to himself.

He went over and beheaded the thin ugly scary scarecrow.

Krampus the 2nd teleported on to the scene with his innate demonic abilities and cut the thin ugly scarecrow woman into 666 quadrillion pieces, put the remains in a Pope Francis unapproved environmentally unfriendly plastic garbage bag and used it as fuel to burn down a drug dealer’s house.

Goatee then walked towards the back of the bus and beheaded the fat ugly white blimp he was positive that he had beheaded only weeks earlier.

When Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene, Goatee instructed the DARPA made genetically cloned demon (cloned from the original Krampus who so terrified and still terrifies the devoutly Catholic countries that made up the core of the medieval Holy Roman Empire) to save the hands of the fat ugly blimp and take them back to DARPA headquarters for analysis by DARPA’s Psychic Lobster Liberace (a name designed to appeal to America’s LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community- like most government agencies out of touch with the community they’re seeking to woo for support they were totally unaware that the performer Liberace was hugely unpopular with most of the LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community for denying his sexual orientation throughout his lifetime).

DARPA had plagiarized the idea of a psychic lobster from Britain’s Set Enterprises whose Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had genetically created a psychic lobster named Michelangelo back in 2010.

Goatee wanted Liberace to determine whether the fat ugly blimp was in fact the very same fat ugly blimp that the genetically created satyr serial killer had beheaded and dismembered weeks earlier.

Krampus the 2nd after saving the elephant sized hands could dispose of the rest of the fat ugly blimp’s body in his usual Krampusonian manner.

That night Pan Goatee got a text message from Dr. Faustus Imhotep who had been told by Exlaxia (the DARPA equivalent of Amazon’s AI assistant Alexa) after being in telepathic communication with Liberace the DARPA psychic lobster that the fat ugly blimp was indeed the very same uglo creature that Goatee had beheaded and dismembered weeks earlier.

After a violent fit of lobster vomiting after seeing the hands (for which the explosion proof tank of hydrogen immediately needed to be replaced), Liberace wearing a diamond and sparkling jewel 💎 encrusted white suit and jacket played a vigorous rendition of Elvis’ Viva Las Vegas on his toy piano 🎹 with his lobster claws and then telepathically communicated with Exlaxia his analysis.

Apparently the fat ugly blimp had been brought back from the dead by order of Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton had hired a Haitian voodoo witch doctor Pierre Josephine Swaying Les Fesses to bring the fat ugly blimp back from the dead.

He/she (for the Haitian witch doctor was an androgynous hermaphrodite) had done the same for some other ugly female victims of Pan Goatee as well on Hillary’s orders.

Hillary’s covert plan was to bring the Calgarian fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows back from the dead and illegally have them documented as American citizens to be able to vote in the 2020 Presidential election as almost all ugly women were inclined to vote for Hillary by inherent natural disposition.

What a sinister piece of black magic witchcraft, Pan Goatee thought to himself.

Here the Hillarybeast was in favour of killing unborn babies but at the same time was bringing fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows (who had been conceived in the very bowels of Hell itself) back from the dead.

What nefarious witchcraft was this? Goatee wondered.

Meanwhile at the Vatican in Rome, Pope Francis was using a very very very abstract modern art Crucifix carved in the shape of a witches Stang to summon the ghost of Aleister Crowley from the pits of Tartarus on his birthday which was today October 12th.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 12th
2018

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The Ariana Grande Concert Tickets: To Bill’s Or Not To Bill’s?

September 2, 2018 at 11:53 pm (Commentary, Culture, Fashion, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Ariana Grande Concert Tickets: To Bill’s Or Not To Bill’s?

Former U. S. President Bill Clinton saw the hostile look on Hillary’s face.

Oh God, what had he done now?

At that moment, Bill wished he had a wash cloth to wipe the stain off his blue trousers.

“I was going through the desk drawer when I noticed these tickets to an Ariana Grande concert,” Hillary seethed, “did you buy them?”.

“Oh, they may have been a gift from somebody,” Bill put his finger on his nose, “I didn’t know what they were.”

“Oh really?” Hillary smirked sarcastically, “I noticed you couldn’t keep your eyes off Ariana Grande’s short skirted ass when she sang (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman at Aretha Franklin’s funeral this past Friday.”

Bill was thinking to himself that Bishop Charles H. Ellis III was certainly feeling himself a natural woman that day and envied the pastor.

The former President’s thoughts returned to the screeching voice that seemed to be unnatural to this world.

He quickly put the Taco Bell burrito 🌯 he had been eating back in his pocket.

“Well, what about it?” Hillary’s voice sounded like fingernails scraping on a blackboard, “The whole world noticed how you were ogling Ariana Grande’s skirted ass at Aretha’s funeral.”

“I did not have my eyes ogling at that woman’s skirted ass,” Bill protested, “I was just enjoying her performance.”

“Oh, is that what you call it?” Hillary smirked again,” “I was watching you . I noticed you couldn’t keep your eyes off her ass the whole time.”

“You make me sound like that rising new British MP Renfield R. Renfield,” Bill protested, “Most unfair is that comparison.

Renfield would most undoubtedly agree.

“And what about the date on these Ariana Grande concert tickets?” Hillary asked, “I noticed they’re for the same night that you said you couldn’t accompany me to the Illuminati Deep State Conspirators’ Club dinner meeting. You told me something else had come up. Is this what came up?”.

Hillary waved the concert tickets at him.

“Of course not,” Bill felt his nose again.

“What was it you had to attend that night then?” Hillary asked.

“I can’t remember,” Bill answered.

“You can’t remember?” Hillary chortled like an owl in a hurricane, “and what about having your eyes on Ariana’s ass the whole time she was singing last Friday?”.

“That’s not true,” Bill protested, “at one point, I exchanged words with Rev. Jesse Jackson.”

“I imagine you two were probably exchanging lustful fantasies with one another,” Hillary seethed.

“That’s not true,” Bill felt his nose again.

Meanwhile at Rev. Jesse Jackson’s house, the good minister was trying to explain to his wife the tickets to the Ariana Grande concert she had just found in his coat pocket (coincidentally for the same night as the date on the concert tickets that Hillary had found).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 2nd
2018.


What would probably have been Bill and Jesse’s favourite view if they had attended the Ariana Grande concert.
And if the night had turned out the way Jesse wanted, would Bill have spent the rest of the evening singing that old 1980s Rick Springfield song, “I wish that I had Jessie’s girl…”?

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Renfield Performs Comedy Video Skit At 90th Academy Awards

March 4, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield Performs Comedy Video Skit At 90th Academy Awards

Since there didn’t seem to be any rising new American politicians at the moment, the Oscars host Jimmy Kimmel decided to ask Britain’s rising new politician Renfield R. Renfield MP to perform a comedy video skit at this year’s Academy Awards that would be broadcast live via satellite transmission from London to Hollywood.

The theme for the 1 minute comedy skit that Renfield had been given was to play a character in a non-musical movie singing a song from a movie musical.

Renfield for his comedy skit decided that he’d play Christian Grey from the movie Fifty Shades of Grey singing a song Julie Andrews made famous in the musical The Sound of Music.

Renfield (as Christian Grey opening the door to the Red Room) singing,

“… Girls in white dresses all tied up with string,
these are a few of my favourite things…”

(On the floor of the Red Room were a bunch of beautiful women wearing white dresses all tied up with ropes)

Jimmy Kimmel immediately signalled to the technician to cut the live satellite 🛰 transmission from London.

Seeing as how Renfield R. Renfield was not Christian Grey, his video was deemed inappropriate for the post-Weinstein political climate of 2018 Hollywood.

Outrage on social media was immediate.

Various feminists posted Twitter tweets and Facebook statuses accusing Renfield of being misogynistic and holding patriarchal attitudes.

Sir Elton John tweeted that he enjoyed wearing white dresses and had never seen the Red Room and would Mr. Renfield please show him?

Hillary Clinton immediately made a YouTube video where she dressed up as the late Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini in drag and pronounced a feminist death fatwa on Renfield while writer Salman Rushdie mournfully sang the song Kumbaya in the background.

Numerous women hit Renfield with the Twitter hashtag #MeToo saying that the British MP was obviously guilty of sexually harassing women.

Since Renfield wisely did not have a Twitter account of his own (unlike some political bigmouth ignoramuses), he immediately hacked into Donald Trump’s Twitter account and responded with hashtags of his own:

@realDonaldTrump

#VirginLookingForHisFirstLay
#MeToo

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 4th
2018.

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Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall

September 14, 2017 at 5:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics) (, , , )

Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall

One of Hillary Clinton’s witch friends had a magic mirror on the wall that was able to correctly answer any question.

Hillary, having written her book called What Happened in which she blamed everyone and everything except for the kitchen sink (well actually she did include the kitchen sink!) for her electoral defeat, had decided to ask the magic mirror who was the one primarily responsible for her devastating defeat.

She went over to the magic mirror on the wall and asked,

Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?

Was it the FBI’s James Comey,
the Russians,
Green Party candidate Jill Stein,
Bernie Sanders (for having the audacity to run against me in the primaries)…

Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?

Having asked the question, she awaited the answer as the mirror glass turned to mist and fog.

Then the fog cleared and Hillary looked at the image that was the answer.

“What the Hell? What’s my own image doing reflecting back at me?” Hillary shrieked as the mirror cracked.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 14th
2017.

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