How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day

July 25, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day

July 25th is Saint Christopher’s Day (even though the post-Vatican II Catholic Church from 1969 onwards taught that in their opinion, Saint Christopher never existed, the Saint Christopher medal continues to be popular among travellers and surfers).

Boris Johnson spent Saint Christopher’s Day giving his first speech as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the British House of Commons.

Meanwhile across the Pond (otherwise known as the Atlantic Ocean), Donald Trump spent the day looking at a photo of himself speaking at a recent event and noticed for the first time that the seal of the President of the United States of America bore a double headed eagle clutching a bag of golf clubs in one of its claws.

“I could have sworn that it was a single headed eagle clutching arrows in one of its claws,” Trump scratched the dandruff out of his toupee.

Back across the Pond again, the Welsh vampiress Morgana sat on the government benches in the House of Commons as Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.

She applied mascara to her eyelashes and red finger nail polish to her finger nails as Johnson gave an impassioned speech to the Commons on how he was going to deliver Brexit.

As Johnson spoke, British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield likewise sat on the government benches in the Commons as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.

While Johnson continued speaking, Renfield was busy text messaging his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Renfield was expressing his opinion to Set that Johnson probably wouldn’t be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union for 3 reasons:

1) European Union bureaucrats would probably continue to act like Soviet commissars on the question of the backstop on the Irish border between the British province of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland

2) Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar would probably continue to act like Oscar Wilde on steroids on top of Lord Alfred Douglas on the Irish border backstop question

3) The notorious drunken leprechaun Yaldabaoth (viewed as the Demi-Urge who created the material physical universe by various Gnostic groups throughout the centuries) would probably continue to sleep across the border- half on the north side and half on the south 

It was for these reasons, Renfield advised Set, that he should expect a no-deal Brexit. 

A hard Brexit.

As Set sat in The Ten Bells Pub in central London and read Renfield’s text message, he put his construction hard hat on, got a hard on as he looked at a poster of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, ordered 10 T-Rex shooters (guaranteed to kill any mortal dead) and when he had finished drinking and paid his bill, went off to Harrods to stock up on candies and various other treats for this coming Halloween.

Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin had summoned the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB to his office to discuss the most recent actions by Ukraine.

The Russian tanker Nika Spirit (formerly called the Neyma) had been detained by the Ukrainian security service (SBU) in the Black Sea port of Izmail, Ukraine.

10 crew members who were aboard the Nika Spirit were held briefly for a few hours and then released.

Speaking to reporters in Kiev, Svetlana Kireeva’s vampiress rival and arch enemy the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak of the SBU said that the Nika Spirit in its previous maritime ship incarnation as the Neyma had been the ship responsible for blocking the Kerch Strait to the Sea of Azov on November 25th of last year allowing the Russian Navy to seize the Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug allowing the Russian Navy to capture 30 Ukrainian sailors of whom 24 remain in Russian custody.

After the incident had happened last November, the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak had approached Renfield R. Renfield for help.

Renfield had set sail on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II with his own personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas.

They sailed straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.

There they captured a Russian Navy submarine The Svyatoy Ivan and took 66 Russian Navy sailors hostage.

The sailors would be released in return for the release of the 24 Ukrainian sailors.

However Putin absolutely refused to negotiate with Renfield R. Renfield as Renfield had once stolen a bunch of antique Bavarian beer mugs from the Russian leader’s antique Bavarian beer mug collection back in August 2014 and Putin had never forgiven him for it.

The 66 Russian sailors had been held prisoner at a castle in the Scottish highlands under guard from Renfield’s personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas ever since.

How CNN News reported Renfield R. Renfield’s capture of the Russian Navy ship The Svyatoy Ivan at its web site on November 29th of last year:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 25th
2019.

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Renfield Takes Russian Sailors Hostage In Sea of Azov

November 29, 2018 at 11:52 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing sailed on Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s submarine The Amphitrite II accompanied by a brigade of British Army Gurkha commandos straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.

They rammed a Russian Navy submarine the Svyatoy Ivan and sank it to the bottom of the sea.

As Renfield sang “Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me…” on the Amphitrite II waterproof outdoor loudspeaker, the mermaid Miranda raised the sunken Svyatoy Ivan above the waves where the hatch was opened after being fired upon by a miniature Tesla Death Ray carried by Renfield.

A white wolf with blue eyes, a black jaguar with silver eyes and several Gurkhas jumped aboard the vessel.

Through a bullhorn bearing an autographed picture of the Australian Holstein Friesian steer Knickers, Renfield gave the Russian sailors an ultimatum and a choice.

They could either get their testicles cut off by the Gurkhas and their famous daggers or get some of their body parts bitten off by the white wolf with blue eyes or get their body parts scratched and clawed by the black jaguar with silver eyes or they could surrender.

Every single Russian sailor surrendered.

The Union Jack was raised on the flagpole of the Svyatoy Ivan while Inna Huculak played “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves…” on her Ukrainian ukulele.

Renfield R. Renfield pulled his pants down and took a crap on a lifelike effigy of Russian President Vladimir Putin as Inna Huculak sang a song from the musical Oliver “What is the cause of his red shiny nose? Could it be Oom-pah-pah?”… while playing the accordion with her magnificent pair of knockers.

The ghost of Orson Welles filmed everything with his camera and uploaded it to YouTube and Instagram.

The surrender of the Russian sailors and Renfield’s defecating actions were then projected on to a large airport runway in Argentina as Vladimir Putin’s plane landed in Buenos Aires for the G-20 Summit.

Putin suddenly came down with a severe case of heartburn which the airplane doctor attributed to an overindulgence in Ukrainian cabbage rolls on the Russian leader’s part.

As the ghost of Orson Welles and the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sat on a yacht in the Strait of Kerch and drank wine and brandy respectively, Welles lamented on his marriage to actress Rita Hayworth.

Welles said mournfully that if he had spent a little less time intellectualizing his many ideas and spent more time making out with the lovely Rita Hayworth, his marriage might have been saved.

Meanwhile the lovely Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak sat on a pier in a marina in the Strait of Kerch on the Crimea when Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing approached:

Inna Huculak immediately took Dracul Van Helsing over her knee and spanked him for making out with Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva a couple of days earlier.

She then made wild passionate love to him herself after spanking him and screamed “Republic of Ukraine forever!” as she orgasmed in a massive outburst of cosmic energy from all that tantric sex forever.

Renfield R. Renfield meanwhile was on his smart phone checking on his order of a Japanese sex robot that he had ordered for himself for Christmas from Amazon.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 29th
2018.

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Renfield On Kerch, Crimea and The Sea of Azov: Let’s Get This Strait

November 26, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was currently consulting with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles and the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Hukulak to lead a commando raid of British Army Gurkhas on the Russian Navy at the Strait of Kerch to rescue two Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug and 30 Ukrainian sailors who were seized by the Russian Navy yesterday,

In Kiev, Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko declared martial law in Ukraine for 30 days in order to put the country on a full war footing.

Donald Trump as usual was busy dithering and tweeting about “immigrants on the U.S-Mexico border” in the midst of yet another major international crisis.

He was also trying to make up in his own mind who was the nicer guy- Russian President Vladimir Putin or Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.

On November 25th, Russian Spetznatz commandos of the Russian Navy seized the Ukrainian gunboats and the tug wounding half a dozen Ukrainian Navy sailors in the process.

Russia had used a Russian ship under the recently completed Kerch Bridge to illegally block passage to Ukrainian ships seeking to enter the Strait to access the Sea of Azov.

The Ukrainian Navy vessels had gone to ask the ship to stop blocking the entrance when they were fired upon by Russian Navy ships and then deliberately rammed.

Renfield and the Gurkas would be sailing on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II to the Kerch Strait to rescue the Ukrainian Navy ships and sailors.

The Amphitrite II was invisible to both radar and sonar.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s original submarine of this design The Amphitrite I and its crew disappeared on its maiden test.

Although a computer at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor had picked up the fact that The Amphitrite I had wound up at the U.S. Navy shipyard in Philadelphia on October 28th 1943 where it slammed into the U.S. Navy destroyer escort The USS Eldridge.

The meeting between the four in Renfield’s office came to an end when the ghost of Orson Welles received an emergency Hermes transmitted telegram from the ghost of Nikola Tesla in the underworld realm of Hades.

Meanwhile outside the Westminster Houses of Parliament, the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the Russian FSB was waiting to assassinate Renfield.

It was while she waited for Renfield on the park bench that Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing spotted her.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 26th
2018.

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Renfield R. Renfield Uncovers The 3rd Secret of Fatima

November 9, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations) (, , , , , )

Austrian Chancellor Sebastian Kurz made the announcement that a 70 year old retired Austrian colonel had been spying for the Russians since the early 1990s.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had heard from his sources about the spy even before Chancellor Kurz had.

Renfield also heard from those same sources that the retired Austrian colonel had in his briefcase a copy of the original Third Secret of Fatima (a prophecy about the future that was supposed to have been spoken by the Virgin Mary Mother of Jesus to 3 shepherd children at Fatima, Portugal 101 years ago back in 1917).

Italian journalist Antonio Socci had made the claim back in the last decade that the Vatican had only revealed the vision associated with the Third Secret back on June 26th 2000. It had never actually revealed the words spoken by Mary to the 3 children he claimed.

Renfield had heard that the text of Mary’s words from the 3rd Secret were among the documents to be found in the Austrian colonel’s briefcase.

Renfield had vowed to get his hands on that briefcase before the Russians or the Austrian authorities did.

As such he arranged for his ally the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak of the Ukrainian Intelligence Service to steal the colonel’s briefcase and smuggle it across the border from Austria to Switzerland where Renfield’s personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas would be waiting for her.

And tonight in London on the 100th Anniversary of the Kaiser Wilhelm II’s abdication as Emperor of Germany and King of Prussia, British MP Renfield R. Renfield read the 3rd Secret of Fatima:

In Portugal the dogma of the Faith will always be preserved. If people do not repent and better themselves, God the Father will allow a terrible punishment to be inflicted on all humanity. A great war in the 21st Century launched by Satan’s partisans in the East will come. Those surviving will envy the dead. Death will briefly reign, raised to triumph by the brothers of death who seek to be masters of the whole earth. All the world will be thrown into great confusion. Fire and smoke will fall from heaven and waters from the ocean will turn to steam throwing their foam to the sky. Millions of people will die by the minute. The only arms of protection which will remain for you will be the Rosary and the Sign left by my Son (undoubtedly the Cross or the Crucifix the Austrian colonel had added in his own handwriting).
Each day recite the prayers of the Rosary. A time of very severe trial is coming for the Church. Satan will reign over the highest places and succeed in infiltrating to the very top of the Church. One third of the clergy will serve Satan. Entire nations will lose the Faith and many people on earth will be condemned to Hell. Cardinals will oppose cardinals and bishops will oppose bishops. Many rotten changes in Rome will be retained and the Church will become obscured. At last those who survive these events will repent and become true followers of Jesus Christ as before when the world was not so corrupted.
In the end, my Immaculate Heart will triumph, Russia will be truly converted and a period of peace will be granted to the world.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 9th
2018


The Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak smuggling the Austrian colonel spy’s briefcase under her dress from Austria into Switzerland.

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Inna Huculak and Svetlana Kireeva In Stockholm

March 15, 2018 at 11:00 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Inna Huculak and Svetlana Kireeva In Stockholm

The Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB was walking the streets of Stockholm Sweden 🇸🇪.

The short skirted Russian vampiress was feeling quite pleased with herself.

She had been the mastermind behind a plot to kill a Russian 🇷🇺 traitor and his daughter in Salisbury, England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿.

Vengeance against those who would betray Vladimir Putin the Great Leader of the Russian Motherland.

As well as vengeance against Britain 🇬🇧 where she had been held as a prisoner for 2 years in an MI-6 interrogation chamber in London from 2014 to 2016 before she finally managed to escape.

Miss Kireeva was in Stockholm to spy on the meeting between North Korean 🇰🇵 Foreign Minister Ri Yong-ho and Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Lofven.

Her boss Vladimir Putin was worried about a possible summit meeting between Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.

As an FSB colleague put it, “I’m afraid Putin is becoming increasingly paranoid about everything.”

That FSB colleague now found himself out of a job but he did have the consolation of landing himself a one way ticket to Siberia.

Putin’s paranoia, in the Siberia bound ex-FSB agent’s words, began when Putin had visited a Moscow based spiritist medium to consult with the ghosts of Joseph Stalin and Vladimir Lenin.

Putin who claimed to now be a devout Christian and a convert to the Russian Orthodox Church had pulled a King Saul of Israel 🇮🇱 by consulting with familiar spirits and necromancers in direct violation of divine prohibition as revealed to Moses in the Book of Deuteronomy Chapter 18.

In addition to having a pleasant chat with the ghosts of Lenin and Stalin, an entity calling himself the Archangel Michael appeared to Putin.

This entity was really the demon Moloch in disguise.

And now Moloch as the Archangel Michael was encouraging Putin to strike against everyone and everything that stood in his way.

But all this was unknown to Svetlana Kireeva as she walked down the streets of Stockholm clicking the sidewalks with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes 👠.

Watching the short skirted beautiful brunette Russian vampiress was a very beautiful blonde woman wearing a short skirt.

This woman also was a vampiress.

But a Ukrainian vampiress.

Inna Huculak of the Ukrainian 🇺🇦 Intelligence Service.

And Svetlana Kireeva’s vampiric immortal foe and arch-enemy.

As Morgan Freeman might phrase it in his narrative voice if he was in Stockholm, “Let the Blood Hunger Games begin.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 15th
2018.

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Renfield’s Phone Call From British Government Official

July 31, 2014 at 3:32 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Phone Call From British Government Official

A high-ranking official in the British government phoned Renfield R. Renfield to ask him how his questioning of Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak (who was in the protective custody of the Mossad) went.

“So,” the high-ranking British government official was anxious to know, “what have you discovered on your recent visit to Israel?”.

“That locusts and wild honey don’t taste as badly as I thought they would,” replied Renfield who was staying at the John The Baptist Inn near the River Jordan.

“I was talking about your conversation with the Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak regarding the Russian Vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB,” said the high-ranking official.

“Oh,” said Renfield as he bit into a locust and wild honey-covered tuna fish sandwich.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 30th
2014.

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Renfield In Israel

July 23, 2014 at 2:50 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield In Israel

Renfield flew his Boss’ private plane from London to Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv since U.S. and European commercial airlines suspended their flights there due to a Hamas rocket landing one mile away from the airport.

Renfield was to meet the Mossad agent called The Controller of The Golem.

He would then be taken to meet Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Hukulak who was in the protective custody of Mossad after she had been rescued by Israeli commandos from an FSB interrogation center in Moscow last month.

From Miss Hukulak, he would be given detailed information about Miss Hukulak’s personal arch-enemy the Russian Vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB.

Miss Kireeva would then be the one to use to get close to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Renfield’s meeting with the Controller of The Golem had been arranged by MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 22nd
2014.

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Special Guest In Tel Aviv

June 12, 2014 at 7:23 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Special Guest In Tel Aviv

The Controller of The Golem waited at the Tel Aviv International Airport for a special guest to arrive by plane.

The guest had originally been flown to a secret military base in Israel and then transferred to a civilian plane.

The special guest was Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak who had been held prisoner in an FSB interrogation center in Moscow for over a month.

The Controller of the Golem had discovered that Miss Huculak had held information that was of vital importance to Israel’s national security vis-a-vis Russia’s intentions for the Middle East.

So Israeli commandos had flown to Russia in the Israeli Air Force’s most advanced plane (one that was able to evade all forms of radar detection) and had stormed the FSB interrogation center (much to the surprise of FSB interrogators) and rescued Miss Huculak.

The Controller of The Golem was sure that Miss Huculak would find the Israelis to be much more amenable hosts to a Ukrainian national nationalist than Vladimir Putin’s Russians were.

. . .

When Russian President Vladimir Putin heard the news about Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak’s rescue by the Israelis, he pounded the table.

“Damn Jews!” He exclaimed as he sent his lox and cream cheese bagel back to Tevhe’s Delicatessen in Moscow for not having enough cream cheese on it.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 12th
2014.

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Dateline: Berlin

May 4, 2014 at 7:20 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Dateline: Berlin

Russian President Vladimir Putin was pleased to visit an FSB interrogation room.

For one of his top FSB agents the Russian Vampiress Svetlana Kireeva had finally captured the Ukrainian Intelligence Service’s top agent the Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak.

Mr. Putin noticed that the blonde Vampiress Miss Huculak was wearing a ripped and torn cream coloured Gucci evening dress.

He then happened to notice that the brunette Vampiress Miss Kireeva was wearing the same cream coloured Gucci evening dress.

He deduced that Miss Kireeva had no doubt ripped and torn Miss Huculak’s dress for wearing the same outfit as she.

Svetlana was no doubt furious that she had been caught undead wearing the exact same dress as another woman.

. . .

The agent for the Portuguese Intelligence Service caught the midnight flight from Lisbon to Berlin.

He was carrying a secret message of a highly delicate nature- so delicate that his superiors decided to send him to Berlin to rendezvous with another agent in person (like in the good old pre-digital days of the Cold War) rather than risk sending it over the Net or some other form of electronic communication where it might be picked up by some highly sophisticated electronic eavesdropping system.

The Portuguese agent was to meet the Israeli Mossad agent by the last remaining portion of the Berlin Wall which served as a memorial to those terrible days at the height of the Cold War when Berlin was a divided city.

The two agents would identify one another with the line, “Please sir, I want some more” to which the other would respond, “What the dickens do you mean?”.

The Portuguese agent saw the man standing alongside the Berlin Wall reading a copy of Oliver Twist.

The Portuguese agent walked over and said, “Please sir, I want some more.”

The other man responded, “What the dickens do you mean?”.

Both men were gunned down by machine gun fire.

“Look Martha,” an American tourist pointed out to his wife on the late night tour bus, “they’re role playing a cross-over escape from east to west.”

“Yeah, that looks like real blood too,”
his wife applied dark rouge lipstick to her lips.

The ‘pro-Russian militia man’ walked over to the body of the Portuguese agent and removed the message from inside the dead man’s vest.

As he walked away, the all-night tour bus was playing on the radio a local Berlin radio talk show where Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov had phoned in to say that he categorically denied that there were any Russian soldiers operating in Berlin these days.

. . .

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 4th
2014.

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On The Ukraine-Russia Border

April 2, 2014 at 7:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

On The Ukraine- Russia Border

Ukrainian Vampiress Inna Huculak stood on the Ukrainian side of the Ukraine-Russia border and looked at the mass array of Russian troops assembled on the other side of the border.

She was standing hidden among some trees on a wooded area of the border.

On the ground right on the border she happened to notice a broken statue of the Blessed Pope John Paul II who was to be canonized a saint by Pope Francis later this month.

The head and the hands of the statue lay broken and smashed on the ground.

On the Russian side of the border, she noticed an old poster blowing on the ground.

The poster was being blown along the ground by a powerful wind.

She happened to notice the face on the poster.

It was the face of former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev who had presided over the dissolution of the old monolithic totalitarian one-party state that had been the old Soviet Union.

The poster blew far far away to the south never to be seen again.

Inna Huculak heard the sound of a peculiar ignition- the sound of a tank starting up.

Up in the sky in the East over the border was a bright star- a glowing seemingly bright red star.

It was just above the emerging rays of a Russian sunrise soon to rise and spread its rays across the Ukrainian border.

Inna Huculak thought she better seek the sanctuary of her coffin- a coffin filled with the soil of what was for the time being- the soil of her Ukrainian homeland.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 2nd
2014.

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