Saudi-Iranian Relations and The Case of The Renfieldian Interpreter

January 4, 2016 at 8:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Saudi-Iranian Relations and The Case of the Renfieldian Interpreter

“So I’m now involved in diplomacy and peace-making efforts,” Renfield informed Amadeus.

Amadeus spewed the Coca-Cola out of his mouth upon hearing these words and the liquid went flying to the other side of the room where it hit the computer screen.

“God, now I feel like the Ancient Greek Titan Hyperion for some reason,” Amadeus wiped his mouth with his handkerchief.

Athelstan the butler and valet entered the room and started applying Bavarian Magic Mushroom Stain Remover to the computer screen.

“As you know the Boss,” Renfield was referring to their employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, “is quite concerned about the fact that his brother, brother-in-law and rival Osiris has been clandestinely involved in world peace- making efforts ever since his sub- atomic particles were re-assembled and put back together again back in Halloween of 2014. So the Boss would like to be involved in international diplomacy himself.”

“So, why isn’t he?” Amadeus started to cry over his spilled Coca-Cola.

“Well,” Renfield explained as Amadeus started blubbering away, “as you know, the Boss has been heavily involved the past few months in intense aromatherapy sessions to see if this will help him overcome his fear of garlic. And as such, he’s passed the efforts in international diplomacy on to me.”

Amadeus collapsed to the floor where he started laughing hysterically.

“I say, Amadeus,” Renfield sipped his whiskey, “have you ever thought of seeing the doctor and getting a check up to see if you’re bipolar?”.

Athelstan started vacuuming the carpet around the hysterically laughing Amadeus.

When Athelstan had finished vacuuming and Amadeus had returned to his seat, Renfield went on, “As you know tensions have been rising between Saudi Arabia and Iran over the Saudi government’s recent execution of Saudi Shia cleric Sheikh Nimr al-Nimr. Demonstrators stormed the Saudi Embassy in Tehran and set the place on fire. This past Sunday, Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir announced that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was breaking off diplomatic relations with Iran and was giving Iranian diplomats 48 hours to leave the country. Saudi Arabia’s allies Bahrain and Sudan have likewise broken off diplomatic relations with Iran and the United Arab Emirates has downgraded its diplomatic team in Tehran. The United States government is as always overcome by paralysis when confronted with a crisis and the U.S. President is busy consulting the astrological birth chart of his favourite uneaten oyster to see what he should do about the situation. Into this diplomatic minefield, I have now stepped.”

The globe of the world in the middle of the room shook.

“And what have you done?” Amadeus asked with some trepidation.

“I wrote a Document of Understanding between the two countries and had it translated into both Arabic and Persian and sent a copy to each country to sign,” Renfield grinned.

“Who did you use as a translator?” Amadeus asked as he bit into a grilled cheese sandwich.

“I can’t pronounce his name but here it is,” Renfield wrote the man’s name on a piece of paper and handed it to Amadeus.

“He once served as a translator on a trip the then U.S. President Jimmy Carter took to Poland almost 40 years ago,” Renfield smiled.

“Was he the fellow I recently read about,” Amadeus reflected, “who when Carter said “I want to come to know the Polish people”, he translated as “I want to come to have carnal relations with the Polish people” and when Carter said, “I’ve come to help the Polish people fulfill their desires for the future”, he translated it as “I’ve come to help the Polish people fulfill their lusts for the future.” That was the guy you used to translate your Document of Understanding?”.

Renfield’s face turned red with horror upon hearing Amadeus’ words.

“Well, I suppose we should now prepare for war between Saudi Arabia and Iran,” Amadeus stated as the globe of the world fell off its axis and bounced around the living room.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 4th
2016.

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Sekhmet Explains The ET Gray

May 22, 2014 at 6:14 pm (Entertainment, Music, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Sekhmet Explains The ET Gray

Nero Wilson sat in the hotel dining room drinking orange juice and eating pancakes.

It had been a couple of days since he had discovered the ET gray in his hotel bedroom closet.

He found out that the ET gray had been introduced to his band’s lead singer Sekhmet after the open-air desert concert outside Mesa, Arizona by a groupie of the band named Lana who had then made out with the band’s drummer Dave Wilson (stage name Abbott Costello).

Sekhmet had hidden the ET gray in her suitcase telling everyone that it was just a teddy bear a fan had given her.

And so the ET gray had been in her suitcase the whole time they had driven from Arizona to California.

The ET gray had then been in the closet in Sekhmet’s hotel room but he had gone out in the night to take an extraterrestrial leak and when he came back in the darkness, all the hotel rooms had looked the same to him so he entered Nero Wilson’s room and closet by mistake.

Stories about Nero Wilson’s finding the ET gray in his closet had hit the Internet the same way a diarrhea ridden acrobatic knife thrower’s shit would hit the fan.

Of course one good thing about the story was that it made for two sold out performances the past couple of nights at The Tropicana Nightclub a small venue in downtown Los Angeles where his band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers were performing.

Plus he had also been invited to be a guest and have his band perform on The Arsenio Hall Show while he was here in Los Angeles as a result of the story about him and the ET gray.

. . .

“I see six young people in Iran were arrested for filming a tribute video to Pharrell Williams’ song Happy,” Amadeus Emanon remarked as he ate his Happy Meal from McDonald’s.

“I suppose the assholes who govern Iran don’t want anyone in the country to be happy,” Renfield R. Renfield replied as he ate his Filet ‘o Fish.

“I suppose not,” Amadeus answered.

Amadeus then noticed that Renfield was booking a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles on his laptop.

“Why are you flying to Los Angeles?” Amadeus asked.

Renfield winced.

He dare not tell bigmouth chatterbox Amadeus that he had been hired by their boss’ Archenemy the Vampiress Isis to steal a laser death ray gun from an ET gray.

Nor that the ET gray had shown up in Los Angeles according to the Internet’s leading social networking sites.

So Renfield said, “I’m going to see how my porn movie company in Orange County is doing.”

It was perfectly true that Renfield owned a small pornographic film studio in Orange County and he occasionally checked in from time to time to see how they were doing (not to mention personally auditioning young actresses who were hoping to break into the industry).

“Oh I see,” Amadeus decided to change the subject, “that Prince Charles while visiting an Immigration Museum in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada compared Vladimir Putin’s recent actions to Hitler’s actions in the 1930s.”

“He did?” Renfield suddenly turned white.

For it was Renfield’s latest project and goal and dream in life that he be awarded a knighthood from The Queen sometime this year.

Renfield immediately went on to Facebook and unfriended Vladimir Putin.

. . .

“I’m going to kill him,” Russian President Vladimir Putin shrieked and foamed at the mouth to Russian Vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva.

“Who?” Svetlana asked, “Charles, Prince of Wales for comparing you to Hitler?”.

“No,” Putin went apoplectic, “Renfield R. Renfield for unfriending me on Facebook.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 21st
2014.

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Allah’s Daughters and The Satanic Verses

March 13, 2014 at 8:09 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Allah’s Daughters and The Satanic Verses

The Iranian Imam who was a leading figure in the government in Tehran was having a dream.

He was having a dream that Allah’s three daughters Al-Uzza, Al-Lat and Manat (mentioned in the Satanic Verses before they were removed from the Quran) were seducing him and having carnal relations with him.

As they did so, they whispered in his ear, “The time to destroy the Zionist entity known as Israel is now.”

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was having a dream.

In the dream, he was being seduced by the beautiful ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.

The Vampiress whispered in his ear.

Vladimir answered, “I obey, Mistress.”

. . .

The Controller of the Golem was sitting in his Mossad office in Jerusalem.

He was reading a confidential document sent to him by Peter Whitstable the man known as the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

Whitstable investigated all things occult and supernatural.

The Controller of the Golem had a hard time believing what he read in this particular Whitstable X-File.

. . .

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 13th
2014.

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The Controller of The Golem

March 11, 2014 at 7:15 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Controller of The Golem

The most shadowy and yet possibly the most powerful figure in the Israeli Mossad Organization was a man known only as the Controller of the Golem.

His name and true identity was top secret.

CIA agent Bob Belfor had been sent by his superiors in Washington D.C. to talk to the Controller of the Golem about a shipment of weapons that the Israeli Navy seized in the Red Sea off Sudan last week.

A Panamanian flagged vessel the Klos-C had been boarded by the Israeli Navy who claimed to have found on board dozens of Syrian made M-302 rockets that were being shipped by the Islamic Republic of Iran to Hamas militants in the Gaza Strip.

The rockets that were found were said to have a range of 150 to 200 kilometers.

Apparently America’s Neville Chamberlainesque President Barack Obama was having a hard time believing that Iran could possibly do anything wrong.

So Belfor had been sent by Washington to see for himself the shipment.

The Belfor report would then be given to President Obama to digest (no doubt leading to massive indigestion on his part).

After Belfor had been shown the shipment, he then went to talk to the Controller of the Golem.

They had a discussion about the Iranian leadership.

“Of course,” the Controller of the Golem went on, “we found out how tolerant and peace-loving the theocratic thug rulers of Iran really were when on February 14th 1989 the Supreme Leader of Iran the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini issued a fatwa or death sentence on Indian born British subject and writer Salman Rushdie for his book The Satanic Verses.”

“I’ve never really read the book,” said Belfor, “because as a CIA agent, I don’t have time to read. I’m too busy playing on-line games like World of Warcraft on the off-chance some terrorist cells are conversing with one another via the game. You’ll never guess what level I reached in the game last week…”

The Controller of the Golem was starting to think that the old 1960s Mel Brooks television series Get Smart was the most accurate screen depiction ever made about the American “intelligence” community.

. . .

Sonia Sedgewick was one of MI-6’s top agents.

She had been sent by 10 Downing Street in London to Israel to see for herself the shipment of Syrian made rockets that the Israelis claimed had been sent by Iran intended for Hamas in the Gaza Strip.

The Controller of The Golem enjoyed talking to this intelligent and very beautiful woman who was smartly dressed in a gray skirt and white blouse.

She had heard of Salman Rushdie although she too had never read his book The Satanic Verses.

“I must confess in terms of books for personal reading I’ve never really read anything past 1900,” she laughed, “I’m strictly a Will Shakespeare and Jane Austen girl.”

The Controller of the Golem could have kissed her but he felt it might have been construed as unprofessional conduct.

“These satanic verses that Rushdie wrote about for which he was condemned to die by the Ayatollah Khomeini,” Sonia asked him, “weren’t these purported to be actual verses in the Quran that the Prophet Mohammed claimed the Devil caused him to put in the first written copy of the Quran and he later took these verses out in later copies of the Quran?”.

“That’s right,” the Controller of the Golem answered.

“What did these verses actually say?” Sonia asked, “what exactly were the satanic verses?”.

“That Allah had three daughters,” the Controller of the Golem replied.

“That Allah had three daughters?” Sonia Sedgewick was incredulous, “but don’t Muslims condemn Christians for suggesting that God had a son?”.

“That’s right,” the Controller of the Golem nodded.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 11th
2014.

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Lunar Vampire In Iran and Werewolf On The Road To Damascus

November 16, 2011 at 9:39 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Interpol’s paranormal investigator Peter Whitstable was having a glass of wine with vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in a Paris cafe.

“So Dracul, did you hear about Renfield R. Renfield stealing a classified document from CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia?” Whitstable asked.

“I did,” Van Helsing nodded.

“And are you aware of the contents of that document?” Whitstable inquired.

“It relates how the Apollo 11 astronauts found a vampire in suspended animation in a coffin on the moon and were ordered by NASA to bring the coffin and vampire back to Earth,” Van Helsing answered.

“Do you know what ever became of that vampire?” Whitstable wanted to know, “no one seems to know.”

“Well it was aroused from its state of suspended animation and escaped and fled to Iran,” Van Helsing replied.

“Iran?” Whitstable’s ears perked up, “what happened to it there?”.

“It or he if you prefer now serves as an advisor to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,” Van Helsing stated.

“To Ahmadinejad?” Whistable’s jaw dropped.

“Yes, Ahmadinejad believes this vampire is the Imam Mahdi,” Van Helsing sipped his wine and gazed through the cafe window at the Eiffel Tower.

“The Twelfth Imam of Shia prophecy?” Whitstable blinked.

“That’s right,” Van Helsing noticed the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec standing in a red dress on the Eiffel Tower.

“And what does this vampire posing as the Imam Mahdi want?” Whitstable downed the rest of his wine in a single gulp.

“Nuclear war against Israel and the U.S.,” Van Helsing answered.

“Good Lord,” Whitstable whispered.

* * *

Welsh werewolf Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was attending an art show at an exclusive art gallery in London.

Rhys Petley often attended these functions- as an MP he was of course immediately let in- but he did not attend because he was an art connoisseur.

Rather he attended because of the free wine and cheese served at these functions.

Magog Rhys Petley loved wine and cheese.

But he didn’t like paying for them.

As Rhys Petley entered the gallery’s exclusive entrance he passed a lone Occupy London protestor holding up a sign outside the gallery saying “We are the 1%.”

Inside the gallery, Rhys Petley felt an arm on his shoulder.

He turned and was surprised to see that it was Charles Prince of Wales holding a glass of wine and a slice of cheese.

What was Prince Charles doing greeting him?

He Magog Rhys Petley was a staunch republican and rabid anti-monarchist.

“Magog,” the Prince smiled.

“Er… your Highness,” Rhys Petley blurted, “congratulations on your 63rd birthday.”

Prince Charles had just turned 63 this past Monday November 14th.

“Don’t remind me of my age,” the Prince shook his head, “if I was a common man, I could look forward to retirement in another couple of years.”

“Heavy is the head that wears the crown-in-waiting,” Rhys Petley nodded sympathetically.

“I’ve kept abreast of your activities this year, you know,” Charles helped himself to a smoked oyster on a cracker, “your meeting with Silvio Berlusconi on a British trade mission to Italy, your going to Cairo to ask then Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak to immediately step down before any protestors were killed and your going to Libya to ask Col. Muammar Gaddafi to step down and leave Libya to prevent civil war.”

“All those missions were failures,” noted Magog Rhys Petley who failed to grab an oyster on a cracker before the French maid looking waitress carrying the tray walked away.

“But to succeed at failure,” Prince Charles smiled, “surely that’s a success of sorts?”.

“I suppose if you put it that way it is,” Rhys Petley agreed.

“Anyways I was wondering if you’d undertake a mission for me on behalf of the British government,” Charles reached for a strawberry underneath the small statue of Diana of the Ephesians, “a mission where I hope you’ll succeed. I want you to go to Damascus and ask Syrian President Bashar Assad to step down before any more of his countrymen are killed. Tell him to go into exile in Iran.”

“Um….” Magog Rhys Petley didn’t know what to say so he finally said, “Okay.”

He looked at the prince and then noticed the curious juxtaposition of the statue of Diana of the Ephesians against the background of an oil painting of a Paris tunnel.

He noticed Diana’s statue seemed to be urinating champagne on the prince just as Camilla came over to greet the duo.

To be continued.

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