Netanyahu: When ET’s Friend Phones You Not Home

October 3, 2015 at 6:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Netanyahu: When ET’s Friend Phones You Not Home

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was sitting in the back of a diplomatic limousine in Manhattan after having delivered a passionate speech at the UN General Assembly in New York City.

At his side was the Mossad agent known as the Controller of The Golem.

The phone in the limousine rang.

The Prime Minister looked at the number.

He recognized the number of the U.S. National Security Council in Washington D.C.

“Hello,” the Prime Minister of Israel picked up the receiver.

“Mr. Prime Minister, this is a friend,” the voice said, “you must give up all control over the Temple Mount and East Jerusalem itself.”

“Who is this?” The Israeli Prime Minister demanded to know.

“And you must give up all control over the West Bank,” the voice said, “We know this was part of the land promised to you by The Lord God of Israel but he’s just an extraterrestrial- an astronaut from another world – He’s not the Supreme Creator of the Universe. We have the evidence to prove it which we will share with you at a future date. But in the meantime don’t hold on to the Temple Mount, East Jerusalem and settlement areas in the West Bank areas as if they were part of some divine mandate.”

“Who is this?” The Prime Minister was furiously angry.

The phone clicked.

And went dead.

The Prime Minister looked over at the Controller of The Golem.

“It was probably a hacker/prankster with a really bad sense of humour, Mr. Prime Minister,” the Controller assured him, “one who’s watched one too many episodes of that American TV program Ancient Aliens.”

“Maybe,” the Prime Minister looked thoughtful, “or maybe something much more sinister.”

Outside the limousine, some New York City doomsayer held up a placard that bore a verse from II Thessalonians Chapter 2, “And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie.” -II Thessalonians 2: 11.

A billboard across the street read, “God was just an astronaut.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 1st
2015.

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Sangita In Jerusalem

March 18, 2015 at 6:48 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Sangita In Jerusalem

Sangita Patel Douglas was in her Jerusalem home cooking dinner.

She was the wife of William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the deputy consul at the British consulate in West Jerusalem.

Her husband had been the Scottish Nationalist Party MSP (Member of the Scottish Parliament) for the Eildon Hills.

But after the pro-independence side had lost last year’s September 18th referendum on Scottish independence, British Prime Minister David Cameron had named her husband the British Deputy Consul in West Jerusalem to show there were no hard feelings.

It had been a chaotic time in the city the past few weeks with the Israeli national general election happening.

Much to the surprise of most pollsters and media pundits, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had won the election.

She had heard from her husband that the U.S. Embassy in Tel Aviv had decided not to lower the embassy flag as a sign of mourning despite a directive from the White House that they do so.

She prepared the corned beef sandwiches and put them on the dinner table.

Her husband William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas and the family bagpiper Pan Deux (who was the spitting image of a fabled hired assassin for the U.S. government Pan Goatee since they were both genetically created by noted British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher- the difference being Pan Goatee was psycho and Pan Deux was not) joined her.

“So,” Sangita asked her husband, “why do you think Bibi won again?”.

“The Israeli people probably decided that Israel has too many enemies at the moment and they probably felt only Bibi could stand up to them,” her husband replied.

“And what have you been doing, Pan Deux?” Sangita asked the tartan kilt wearing furry goat-legged family bagpiper.

“I’m trying to compose a Scottish ballad about how a total solar eclipse at the North Pole on the first day of spring occurs only once every 100,000 years,” Pan Deux replied as he dipped his corn-beef sandwich into his porridge.

“It must be difficult finding the words for that,” Sangita passed him the brown sugar for his porridge.

“It is,” Pan Deux put the brown sugar on his porridge and then added some of Sangita’s delicious curry sauce, “I wonder how Robbie Burns would describe it.”

“He’d probably write, ‘Tis not a brae bricht moonlicht nicht tonicht’, ” her husband said which was the old Scottish way of saying “It’s not a bright moon lit night tonight.”

Outside the house, a bunny rabbit chased a frog out of the garden.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 18th
2015.

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Netanyahu’s Dream of The Ides of March In Ancient Rome

March 15, 2015 at 8:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Netanyahu’s Dream of The Ides of March In Ancient Rome

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was asleep in bed.

He was dreaming that he was in Ancient Rome during the Ides of March in 44 BC.

The Israeli Prime Minister saw Julius Caesar being stabbed.

He saw Caesar’s face turning white as great Caesar’s ghost when he was stabbed by Brutus.

As Caesar cried, “And thou, Brutus” and fell on to the marble steps, Netanyahu caught a glimpse of Brutus’ face.

The Israeli Prime Minister awoke with a start.

He recognized the face of Brutus (the man who had betrayed and killed his friend Caesar) in the dream as the face of someone he Netanyahu had met and encountered in real life.

Netanyahu rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

But the face of Brutus in the dream suddenly vanished from his mind and memory.

Beware the Ides of March, Netanyahu recalled the soothsayer’s cry in William Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar.

“Beware Saint Patrick’s Day,” a tourist group of Irish Alcoholics’ Anonymous members shouted in unison as they passed an ad for Guinness in the streets of Jerusalem some blocks away.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 15th
2015.

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The Frog and Angela Merkel

March 14, 2015 at 8:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Frog and Angela Merkel

German Chancellor Angela Merkel told her secretary that she’d be spending the day at a spa to get herself rejuvenated.

After spending a pleasant time at the spa, she went to a quiet Berlin restaurant to have dinner.

She ordered the soup and salad.

The waiter brought her the potato soup.

Just then, Mrs. Merkel received a call on her mobile.

She noticed it was from Barack Obama.

She stepped outside on to the patio balcony to take the call undisturbed.

“Yes, Mr. President,” the Chancellor spoke into the phone.

“Hi Madame Chancellor, I’m just phoning you for some advice,” President Obama said, “I was wondering if you’d think Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu would take it as a personal insult if I sent him as a gift some Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork instead of beef?”.

“Well yes,” Mrs. Merkel replied, “I would think Mr. Netanyahu would very much take it as a personal insult.”

“Thanks, Madame Chancellor,” President Obama then got on the other line to his U.S.Secretary of State John Kerry, “By all means, send the Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork as a pre-election gift to Prime Minister Netanyahu this coming Israeli election night eve.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel then went back to her soup.

A little green frog leapt out of her soup.

“Waiter, there was a frog in my soup,” Mrs. Merkel called out to the waiter.

“A frog?” The waiter was surprised, “Don’t you mean a fly?”.

“Ribbit, ribbit,” the frog said as he sat on the table.

. . .

The German Chancellor’s personal secretary entered her office that night and was surprised to see the very young looking and very beautiful ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the Chancellor’s chair at her desk.

She wore a very low-cut beige evening dress that showed off her cleavage quite well.

“Well fuck me wild and senseless, Madame Chancellor, ” Mrs. Merkel’s male personal secretary exclaimed, “but that day at the spa really did you a world of good.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 14th
2015.

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Lilith and Nimrod

March 3, 2015 at 8:48 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Lilith and Nimrod

The Controller of the Golem noticed the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the public gallery of the U. S. Congress as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave his speech.

The Mossad agent noticed she was wearing the same white and gold evening dress that she was wearing the night before.

He also noticed that her hair was somewhat disheveled as if she had spent the night somewhere and didn’t have time to change.

Meanwhile far away from Congress, a former U.S. President had in his pocket a statement that read “I did not have sexual relations with that vampiress” on the off chance someone had spotted him in the hotel room with that sexy looking redhead.

When the speech was over, the Controller of the Golem followed the Vampiress into the lobby.

He noticed Lilith entering the women’s washroom.

He followed.

As gasps could be heard coming from surprised exiting patrons, he explained, “I’m transgendered like Bruce Jenner is but I’m only beginning my treatments.”

He noticed Lilith bumping into House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi whose mascara was running down her face as a result of crying during Netanyahu’s speech.

He noticed Lilith open the washroom window, turn into a bat and promptly fly out.

The Controller of the Golem entered one of the stalls, closed the door, took out his cell phone and phoned a fellow Mossad agent as he did his business.

Minutes later a huge bloodcurdling female scream could be heard coming from that women’s washroom on that particular floor of Congress.

As security rushed into the washroom, the same female voice could be heard shrieking, “Who the Hell left the toilet seat up?”.

. . .

Lilith had gone to a secret U. S. government lab near Baltimore, Maryland where the body of Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel was being kept.

She found the giant test tube where Nimrod’s body was being kept and opened it.

She could have been stopped by security personnel at the lab except an argument had broken out among security personnel as to what colour her evening dress was.

Half of the personnel said it was “white and gold” and the other half said it was “blue and black”.

As the security personnel proceeded to strangle one another over who was right, Nancy Pelosi’s image appeared on the News on the TV screen no one was watching complaining to reporters that Netanyahu had made condescending remarks about the state of American intelligence.

Meanwhile Lilith had swallowed a special potion given her by the South African Xhosa witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo.

The potion was designed to unite a dead person’s soul with their body once they were given the kiss of life by someone who had drunk the potion.

Lilith threw Nimrod’s dead body on a slab in the lab.

As theme music from The Rocky Horror Picture Show played in the laboratory background, Lilith raised her evening dress and then mounted Nimrod’s body on the slab in the lab.

She then gave Nimrod a very passionate kiss of life.

Nimrod’s soul returned to his body.

Unfortunately due to a miscalculation in the amount of vermouth required in the Kiss of Life potion that Dr. Sterling Makabo had made, the potion as designed by him had the unfortunate side effect of changing Nimrod’s genetic make-up and turning him into a frog.

“Oh shit, he’s turned into a frog! That’s going to cause problems!” Lilith exclaimed as Nimrod turned into a frog.

“It could have been worse, he could have turned into a toad,” a lab security personnel officer spoke his last words prior to being strangled by one of his co-workers.

“He did turn into a toad!” shouted another co-worker.

“He’s a frog, you moron!” insisted another lab security personnel officer.

Soon a fight broke out among the lab security personnel as to whether Nimrod had turned into a frog or a toad.

As the bickering and back-stabbing (quite literally) continued among lab security personnel, Lilith sprouted bat wings through the back of her evening dress and after putting the frog Nimrod into a jar, she flew away with the little amphibian ex-human stuffed down the top of her evening dress in between her cleavage.

“Almost heaven, West Virginia, blue ridge mountain,” Nimrod sang the John Denver lyrics in the jar as the duo flew over West Virginia.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 3rd
2015.

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Lilith In Washington D.C.

March 2, 2015 at 8:38 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Lilith In Washington D.C.

The Mossad agent called the Controller of The Golem was in Washington D.C.

To provide security for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as he gave his speech to the U.S. Congress tomorrow.

In the White House, U.S. President Barack Obama sat at the dinner table bitching to his wife Michelle about how the Israeli Prime Minister was speaking to the U.S. Congress without his permission.

“Barack, can’t you talk about something else for a change?” Michelle admonished him.

“Yes, Daddy,” his two daughters joined in, “you’re starting to sound like a broken record and if we didn’t watch Turner Classic Movies, we wouldn’t even know what that is since we live in an age of iTunes.”

As the Controller of the Golem stood looking at the Washington Monument
Obelisk, he reflected on a report that had been sent to him a year ago from Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

In the report, Whitstable claimed the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith had formed an alliance with the ancient demon Asmodeus to destroy the State of Israel.

When the Controller had asked Whitstable why Lilith and Asmodeus would want to destroy Israel, the Interpol officer replied that Lilith was still pissed off at Israel for what she considered were all the lies and slanders told about her by the Jewish writers and commentators in the Babylonian Talmud.

As for the demon Asmodeus, he was still pissed off by the fact that a young Jewish boy from Nineveh named Tobias had snatched the fair and lovely maiden Sarah from his reptilian hands in the land of Media and furthermore how the said young Jewish lad had befriended the archangel Raphael and how on Tobias and Sarah’s wedding night the archangel Raphael had bound Asmodeus in the land of Upper Egypt where the demon lay imprisoned for several centuries.

Now Lilith and Asmodeus were plotting their revenge against the Jewish people.

The Controller of the Golem noticed a bat flying above the Washington Monument.

The bat flew towards the ground and then turned into a beautiful red headed woman wearing a white and gold evening dress although some passers-by insisted it was blue and black.

The woman hailed a cab and got in.

Lilith.

The Controller of the Golem got on his cell phone to the Israeli Prime Minister.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 2nd
2015.

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Isis and Gen. Vulkan In Poland

May 8, 2014 at 7:31 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Isis and Gen. Vulkan In Poland

The Egyptian Vampiress Isis was dressed like an Egyptian queen as she inspected NATO troops in Poland.

She wore a long flowing white dress, a necklace of diamonds, jade, rubies and sapphires, a diamond tiara adorned by a precious pearl at the top that was cut in the shape of a crescent moon, and silver embroidered spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes that had on each shoe a pure gold coin as round as the circumference of the sun and bearing the image and inscription of the ancient Roman deity Sol Invictus.

The NATO soldiers on the ground had no idea who this exotic looking strikingly beautiful woman was who was inspecting them and being led around in her inspection by German Gen. Wolfgang Vulkan.

The soldiers knew it couldn’t be German Chancellor Angela Merkel as (mercifully for them) she looked nothing like the German Chancellor.

She looked like American singing superstar Rihanna.

Watching the spectacle and the inspection was the U.K. ‘s Secret Intelligence Service MI-6 Agent who was known only by his code name Diablos Nocturna.

Diablos Nocturna was pretty sure that the one- eyed German general showing Isis the troops was the ancient Norse vampire Odin worshipped as Odin by the Vikings and as Wotan by the ancient Germanic tribes.

“So Gen. Vulkan,” Isis looked directly into the General’s good-eye, “do you think we’ll finally have a war against Russia?”.

“That is my fondest hope, my lady,” the general bowed to her, “as it is yours.”

. . .

The Mossad agent they called the Controller of the Golem read the document that had been forwarded to him from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

It was a copy of a handwritten note sent to Mr. Netanyahu earlier this year by the Paris-based Egyptian billionairess Isis (whom rumour had it was a Vampiress) offering to help the Israeli government build a Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount provided they erected a statue to the ancient Egyptian god Osiris within the Temple.

. . .

MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna was engaged in a night of passionate lovemaking and steamy sex with the sexy and sultry Egyptian Vampiress Isis.

After sex, both of them put nicotine patches on their bodies to get the respective post-coital nicotine high while escaping the hazards of dying from lung cancer due to smoking cigarettes (although in Isis’ case she needn’t have worried since a wooden stake through the heart would be far more lethal than any cigarette).

As she inhaled the pretend non-existent cigarette in her mouth, she received a text message on her smart phone from Gen. Vulkan, Interesting developments on the ground in Ukraine. It’s Brussels sprouts for the Valkyries.

Isis immediately stood up and got dressed.

Looking every inch an Egyptian queen, she adjusted her dress and announced, “I’ve got to get to NATO Headquarters in Brussels.”

She left.

At that moment, Diablos Nocturna received a text message from the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City.

He said with all the eloquence of a Tom Hanks character in a movie adaptation of a Dan Brown novel, “I’ve got to get me to an antiquarian book store in the Gloucestershire town of Tewkesbury.”

. . .

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 8th
2014.

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Radio News Reports and The Park Avenue Billionaire

April 23, 2014 at 7:25 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Radio News Reports and The Park Avenue Billionaire

The mysterious billionaire sat behind the dark curtains in his Park Avenue New York City penthouse apartment, drank Jasmine tea with a pinch of Arizona sagebrush and listened to the news on the radio.

“Russia will respond if its interests in Ukraine are attacked says Russia’s Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov…

U.S. President Barack Obama says that the U.S. will support Japan in its territorial dispute with China over the Senkaku Islands (called Diaoyu Islands by China) in the East China Sea under the terms of Article 5 of the U.S.-Japan Treaty of Mutual Co-Operation and Security… the U.S. ‘s mutual Defence pact with Japan…

South Korea has announced that North Korea may conduct a nuclear test during President Obama’s upcoming visit to the Korean Peninsula…

In the Palestinian territories, Hamas and Fatah have announced a reconciliation deal and will form a unity government in the upcoming weeks…

In response, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called off further peace negotiations with the Palestinian Authority…

The first contingent of U.S. troops has entered Poland for joint military exercises with Poland in the midst of tensions with Russia over Ukraine…

In another incident, the Air Forces of the United Kingdom, the Netherlands and Denmark all scrambled their fighter jets after Russian military aircraft were spotted approaching their airspace…”

The Park Avenue billionaire gurgled happily as he sipped his tea…

All was definitely going according to plan.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 23rd
2014.

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And So The Winter Sun Starts To Set On January 2014

January 28, 2014 at 12:23 am (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

And So The Winter Sun Starts To Set On January 2014

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set walked the streets of London in search of blood.

After biting a few Londoners and draining them of their blood, he showed them what a pain in the neck he could be in London after midnight.

An even bigger pain in the neck than silent film star Lon Chaney Sr.

In cyberspace, he was also searching for blood.

After a recent conversation he had with his company Set Enterprises Laboratories’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher, he needed some of the late Pope John Paul II’s blood for the Rocher plan to succeed.

So Set put an ad on eBay saying he’d pay £2 million to anyone who could bring him a genuine vial of the late Pope John Paul II’s blood.

As Set checked the BBC News app on his Galaxy Android phone while draining the blood of and at the same time having coital relations with a beautiful mini skirted Russian girl on the sidewalks of London, he noticed a news story that a holy relic containing the blood of the late Pope John Paul II had been stolen from a chapel in Italy.

Hm, that’s a good sign, Set thought.

“I’m an Aquarius,” was the beautiful mini skirted Russian girl’s last words as she died trying to fix the holes in her torn nylon stockings.

. . .

Pan Goatee was sitting in his Washington DC apartment getting a blow job from a young Monica Lewinsky lookalike while reading a personally autographed copy of former U. S. President Bill Clinton’s autobiography.

On the television screen in the room was a news story about Pope Francis freeing two doves from the window of the Apostolic Palace in the Vatican with the help of two small children.

Only minutes before the two papal peace doves were released, Pope Francis had called for peace in Ukraine.

Then no sooner had the two doves been released by the two children at the window then both birds were attacked much to the horror of tens of thousands of on-lookers in St. Peter’s Square.

An enormous seagull and a huge black crow attacked the two doves.

One dove managed to escape the seagull but the black crow continued to peck at the other dove drawing blood.

“I’ve got a stain on my blue dress!” The Monica Lewinsky lookalike shouted as Pan Goatee came with the full force of a volcanic eruption from Mount Vesuvius.

“Here take this,” Pan Goatee handed her a gift card for a full steam cleaning at a DC Chinese laundry.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was sitting in his office.

His shortwave radio was picking up a radio station from Texas.

“Hi friends, this is Texe Marrs,” the Texan voice on the radio drolled.

Putin was reading an intercepted CIA report where the CIA agent had written that he had it on the highest authority of a retired U.S. Air Force officer in Texas that the recent anti-government protests in Kiev Ukraine (the current Ukrainian government were staunch allies of Putin’s Russia) was the direct result of a Jewish conspiracy based on an obscure passage in a medieval Khazar translation of the Babylonian Talmud.

Putin pounded the table, “Damn Jews.”

. . .

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was sitting in his office.

He had in front of him a handwritten note written and sent to him by the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis.

Isis offered to help him build a Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount provided he promised to erect a statue of her husband Osiris within the Temple.

Netanyahu sighed.

How was it he was getting messages from all the crazies today?

Earlier he had received an email from a Chinese-Canadian using a Government of Canada Dept. of Health Canada email address offering to sell him the original Golem of Prague if the price was right.

The fellow claimed he had won it in a Destinations Europe contest he had entered.

. . .

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in Geneva Switzerland ostensibly to attend the Geneva II Conference of Peace Talks on Syria.

But an extremely cold Swiss winter had frozen the country’s buttermilk supply.

And Magog used drinking buttermilk as an antidote to his turning into a werewolf.

So instead of attending the conference, Magog walked around the streets of Geneva on all furry fours growling and snarling and eating people.

The people he ate were for the most part tourists who remained stationary long enough for them to take pics of him with their smart phones and upload them to Instagram and Facebook.

And in the process, they remained stationary long enough for him to eat them.

Magog belched loudly as he passed the evening prayer service of a Swiss Reformed Church whose congregation was singing that old southern U.S. spiritual song, “Ezekiel saw the wheel way up in the middle of the air…”

. . .

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 27th
2014.

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