Porch Pirate Eaters and Snowmen

December 17, 2019 at 11:29 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , )

Porch Pirate Eaters and Snowmen

BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy was reading the news.

Geeta: And now a news story involving everyone’s favourite Member of Parliament Renfield R. Renfield.
Mr. Renfield recently filmed a TV commercial that will be shown in North America.
With the recent massive growth in on-line sales, there has also been a massive surge in porch piracy- that act whereby someone steals a parcel left on a porch by a delivery courier company.
To combat this growing crime phenomenon, Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher has invented something guaranteed to combat porch piracy and ensure that your on-line ordered package remains safe to wind up in your hands.
Here is Mr. Renfield advertising the product in that TV ad:

Renfield: Hi, I’m Renfield R. Renfield dashing and debonair British Member of Parliament.
Are you tired of porch pirates stealing your parcels that you bought on-line with your hard earned money?

Then get this: 

The scene shows a parcel left on a porch by a delivery man.
The delivery man leaves and a person pulls up in a car on the street and exits to help himself to the parcel off the porch.
As he walks down the walk carrying the parcel, he’s suddenly attacked by a one-eyed one-horned flying purple monster.

Renfield: Yes, friends, it’s the Set Enterprises’ one-eyed one-horned flying purple parcel pirate eater.

The monster bites off the porch pirate’s arm: Munch! Munch!

Renfield: No more will you have to worry about these porch pirates who want to ruin your Christmas season.

The monster bites off a porch pirate’s leg: Munch! Munch!

Renfield: And your loved ones will actually get the gifts they deserve.
While porch pirates get what they deserve.

The monster bites off the porch pirate’s head: Munch! Munch!

Renfield (smiling): So sleep easily this Christmas season knowing that the parcels you order on-line and have delivered to your house will remain safe on your porch if you happen to own a one-eyed one-horned flying purple parcel pirate eater.
And have a wonderful and blessed Christmas season, my friends.

(Renfield waves at the camera)

Monster (after totally devouring the porch pirate): BELCH!

(Geeta looks astounded)

Geeta: Well, moving on to our next story, from a land down under, everyone’s favourite once and future Australian jailbird Uncle Ernie claims to have developed a snowman made of real snow that the said Uncle Ernie says won’t melt in the hot Australian summer sun so that Australians this Christmas can enjoy real snowmen like their cousins in far more northern climates do.
Reporting from Australia is our Australian correspondent J. Michael Crocodile Dungheap:

Crocodile Dungheap: Thanks, Geeta, well as you can see…

(The camera pans out showing reporter Crocodile Dungheap standing in a massive puddle of melted ice)

Crocodile Dungheap: … it’s back to the drawing board for Uncle Ernie.

(Geeta once again looks astounded)

Geeta (regaining her composure) : Coming up after the break, this story… who will replace Jeremy Corbyn as British Labour leader?

(The camera shows twice defeated Welsh British Labour candidate and private eye Magog Rhys Petley turning into a werewolf)

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 17th
2019.

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