Jack O’ Hare In Film Noir: A Poem

September 4, 2017 at 7:15 pm (Comedy, Crime, Detective story, Entertainment, Humour, Mystery, Poetry, Radio) (, , , , )

Jack O’ Hare In Film Noir: A Poem

It was on the other side of San Francisco Chinatown
lived the man called Emmanuel Gold Brown
He got electrocuted when the radio fell into his bath one night
with the result he died listening to Inner Sanctum but not from fright
The water was still bubbling when police and ambulance arrived
causing the lieutenant to quip this place is hotter than a jazz jive

Electrocution was the cause of death ruled the city’s coroner
no surprise- unlike the plum in pie of little Jack Horner
The question was who threw the plugged radio into the tub
leading to murder most foul- aye, there’s the rub

Now Jack O’ Hare was a private eye in town
one who knew a verb was different from a noun
The other eyes in town didn’t have much of an education
so bad- they could have been Congressmen planning legislation

It just so happened one hot and sultry night
as a lonely carrot succumbed to Jack’s bite
that Jessica Rabbit came strolling through the door
wearing an outfit that sent most men dead to the floor

Jessica’s tight fitting dress caused Jack to hyperventilate
but that would not be the extent of this bunny rabbit’s fate
for Jessica knew who had slain Emmanuel Gold Brown
the dashing night club owner and man about town

How do you know? Jack asked in between munching on carrots
he wondered why the building next door was loaded with ferrets.
I was there in the bathroom at the time
answered Roger Rabbit’s wife who was dressed to the nine.

Jack choked on his bottle of Avocado πŸ₯‘ and Grapefruit mix
he didn’t drink bourbon like those eyes in the Sticks.
What were you doing in the bathroom when the man was taking a bath πŸ›€?
This remark caused Jessica Rabbit to laugh and laugh.

Said Jessica, We owe the IRS a lot in back taxes
far more than Lizzie Borden gave her parents whackses
Now Roger’s acting career doesn’t pay much when it comes to loading the dice 🎲
In fact it doesn’t even pay for a take out order of rice 🍚
So I, sighed Jessica, have to make a little money on the side
which often involves taking men for a ride

That means you’re an —–? Jack paused on his paws
“Escort is the word I prefer,” Jessica said, “The service called Ma’s.”
“I just thought Mrs. Barker made apple pie,”
Jack rubbed the carrot juice out of his eye.
“Oh, Mrs. Barker has plenty of pies galore
as well as all sorts of cats coming in and out the door.”
“It’s a real cat house then?”
Jack caught an egg from a hen.
The hen ran up the fire escape
It was how she kept in shape.

“You could very well say that,”
Jessica spoke setting the trap,
“Now come along with me
to the wharf by the sea
and you’ll meet Brown’s killer
for real- not like in a Thriller.”

“And why would I want to meet Brown’s killer?” Jack asked,
“I’d sooner meet the Ghost of Christmas Past.”
“Because I’m paying you to,”
Jessica adjusted her dress tight and blue.

“Paying me to meet a killer?”
It did sound like an opening line in a thriller.
Jessica showed Jack her diamond ring πŸ’
as the nightingale in the alley started to sing 🎢
“These carats could buy a lot of carrots,” Jessica suggested
as she lowered her dress top showing she was amply breasted.

“Indeed they could,” Jack rose to the occasion
He didn’t need any more persuasion
so Jack and Jessica headed to a wharf on the Bay in San Fran
A foggy night where people get lost just trying to find the can

Jack and Jess got out of the car in time before it headed off the dock
With the splash, Jack sighed, “There goes my favourite sock.”
He really should learn to drive with his shoes on
either that or stop walking bare feet where the salmon spawn.

“Good evening, Mr. O’ Hare,”
said a voice most sinister,
“I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you seen a floating red sock pass through?”
Jack O’ Hare was anxious to know
before he felt the urge to go.

“I killed Emmanuel Gold Brown,” the man grinned
to deed he’d admit but wouldn’t confess he sinned
“And why did you do that?” Jack sounded like the BBC’s Detective Foyle
while he sat and waited for his tea to boil

“Why are you boiling tea on the dock?”
This man wondered if Jack’s private eye reputation was all a crock
“Because I’m thirsty,” replied Jack
pulling out biscuits for a snack,
“Your voice sounds very familiar.”
The bunny waved aside Jessica’s offer of a Pilsner.

“It should sound familiar,” the man frothed, “for I am the voice of The Shadow.”
A ship 🚒 sailed by carrying llamas for cargo.
“You don’t sound much like Orson Welles,”
Jack found on the pier a book of spells.

“Ever since Welles played that role, the public won’t accept another voice for the Shadow,”
into his handkerchief the man his nose did blow.
“Them’s the brakes,” Jack remarked as a car spun out of control off the dock
Jessica wondered if she should go home and change her frock.

“So,” Jack scratched his whiskers, “why did you kill Emmanuel Gold Brown?”
“Because,” the man said, “he wasn’t listening to me- Lamont Cranston wealthy young man about town.
He was listening to Inner Sanctum Mysteries told by Raymond your host.
For that mistake in radio programming, he’s now a ghost πŸ‘».”

The man took out a gun and aimed it at Jack,
“I wanted to get my reputation back,
to kill the world’s greatest private eye like meat πŸ– on a rack
but whoever told me about you was smoking too much crack.”

“Smoking is bad for your health,”
said Jack whose advice was medical wealth.
The man clicked the gun, “I’ll shoot you like a dog in my pyjama,”
It was then he was run over by a fleeing llama.

The Shadow was buried the very next day
while Jack was hopping through farm fields and hay
Jack thought of the night before and of Jessica Rabbit, he really should have kissed her
He sighed, went home, put the radio on and listened to The Whistler.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Monday September 4th
2017.

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The Strange Case of The Emerald Green Cat of Bulgaria πŸ‡§πŸ‡¬: A Poem

August 10, 2017 at 7:45 pm (Comedy, Culture, Detective story, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Mystery, News, Poetry) (, , , , , )

The Strange Case of The Emerald Green Cat of Bulgaria πŸ‡§πŸ‡¬: A Poem

Jack O’ Hare
jack rabbit fair
he really was quite the bunny
that some thought was very funny

One day while he was out hopping
he decided to do some shopping
he spent some time looking at phones
as well as browsing through books about Sherlock Holmes

He bought the latter
avoided walking under a ladder
and went back to his quaint little home 🏑
right next to an abandoned honeycomb
Which was indeed a very wise thing
for Jack loved the way the birds sing
but not the way the bees sting

The latter could be a real pain in the ass
made it unpleasant to sit on the grass
so the honeycomb was long abandoned
possibly since the time of Aladdin

I wonder what became of his genie
Jack thought while eating a vegan weenie
He really should have bought some hot dog buns
although the raisin bran flavoured ones
often gave him the runs

Jack then read the Sherlock Holmes story A Study In Scarlet
and discovered it wasn’t about Mystery Babylon’s harlot
He read the huge volume straight through
while munching on his multi-carrot stew
he finally finished at The Adventure of Schoscombe Old Place
published in 1927
and closed the volume thinking Sherlock’s exploits were heaven

He decided upon putting the book πŸ“š on the shelf
and dusting off the statue of the garden elf
that like Holmes he’d become a consulting detective
because to be Inspector Lestrade was to be defective

So he put an ad to that effect in the Rabbit Weekly
even though his girlfriend told him it was so geeky πŸ€“
But come the Wednesday after the ad
came a Saint Bernard dog looking sad 😭 🐢

“I can’t get to sleep at night,” said he
the Saint Bernard dog Wally McGee
Asked Jack, Have you tried drinking herbal tea β˜•οΈ

It’s the apparition that appears outside my window each night that is the problem
I’m not sure if it’s ghost or goblin
sighed Wally with fear in his eyes
as he ate the last of Jack’s French fries 🍟

This will mean another run to the grocery store thought Jack
as I have no potatoes left in the sack
Neither will I have Lola
thought Jack as he sipped his Cola
ever since she caught him looking at Mae West’s melons
in an old movie about call girls and felons
She left Jack with these parting words, Aloha.

So as far as Jack’s love life went, he was now in the Lone Star ⭐️ State
but such were the quirks, twists and turns of Fate
Getting back to the problem at hand
Jack looked at the Saint Bernard dog well tanned
for this was a dog who had his day in the sun
as unleashed through a park, he went on a run

So describe the apparition you saw
Jack motioned with his foot to Wally’s paw
All right said Wally
pausing to look at a collie,
“Wow! There’s a real bitch in heat!”.
Sighed Jack, Be less like Trump and be more discreet.

So Wally went on, Getting back to the apparition at hand
it was the most terrifying sight in all the land
it frightened away our neighbourhood Calypso band
and turned my rock garden into mounds of sand

Sounds like quite the spectacle,
Jack was forming thoughts diametrical,
What was it exactly that you did see?
Well, said Wally, I had gotten up to pee,
I went out the back door to my favourite tree
And it was there I saw it
I don’t know what to call it

Describe it as best as you can,
Jack used a carrot πŸ₯• for a fan
for it was one heck of a hot summer night
the kind where goose bumps make your pants too tight

Said Wally,
By golly!
It was a ghostly ghastly feline
It was blocking the way to my tree line
It glowed emerald green
really quite the scene
and everywhere it went, it glowed in the dark
it could totally light up Central Park
and what I’m telling you is certainly no lark

Jack put on his deerstalker cap
his thinking hat with a flap
He lit up his Sherlockian style pipe
he had Basil Rathbone down to type

Well, Jack coughed
sending the chickens aloft,
this cat you describe I think I’ve heard of
from the lips of Vladimir Birdov
He died in my arms
On Green Acres Farms

He had recently come back from Varna, Bulgaria πŸ‡§πŸ‡¬
having encountered a cat with menthyl malaria
which it contracted from a little green frog 🐸
that had sat there like a bump on a log

And this unusual type of malaria
previously unknown in Bulgaria πŸ‡§πŸ‡¬
turned the cat’s colour to a ghostly emerald green
making this tabby the talk of the bar scene

But what’s it doing here in Canada πŸ‡¨πŸ‡¦, Wally wanted to know
He was bursting a gut and quite possibly his toe
Jack looked at Wally and gave his hat a twirl
sending up pipe smoke in quite a widening curl
And then quietly said, Don’t be such a nerd
For you mean to say you haven’t heard,
Prime Minister Justin, unlike Trump, is welcoming all refugees
even those with a emerald green cat furry sneeze.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Thursday August 10th
2017.

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Jack O’ Hare At The Calgary Stampede: A Poem

July 8, 2017 at 6:30 pm (Nature, News, Poetry) (, , , , )

Jack O’ Hare At The Calgary Stampede

Jack O’ Hare decided to go to the Calgary Stampede
he brought along some carrots on which to feed
he found some real tiny boots in which to put his 4 furry feet
and put a cowboy hat on his head which was kind of neat

He watched the chuck wagon races
and bulls putting cowboys through their paces
he saw roping
and groping
he saw the famous 8 second ride
and those who early on land on their hide

He avoided going on the carnival rides
he didn’t want to upchuck his carrots from his insides

He hopped here
he hopped there
he hopped everywhere
Jack O’ Hare thought that this was indeed the place to be
as he watched fireworks atop the hat of Mayor Naheed Nenshi.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Saturday July 8th
2017.

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Jack O’ Hare Meets An Asian Irish Leprechaun: A Poem

June 7, 2017 at 4:04 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Folklore, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Everyone’s favourite bunny Jack O’ Hare was out hopping in the early morning dawn
when he spotted that rare beautiful sight- an Asian Irish leprechaun
Asian Irish Leprechaun

Is there a pot of gold at the end of your rainbow? Jack asked
recalling his many experiences with leprechauns in the past

Not a pot of gold but a pot of jade said she
which I’ll give you if you come sit upon my knee

Jack did so and felt content
as she rubbed his bunny ears so bent

Would you like a carrot? she asked
as she put down a carrot and a brandy flask

Yes, said Jack, as he took a nibble and a nip
having carrot and brandy together was quite the trip

Well, now, she sat back and smoked her leprechaun pipe, how about a kiss?
Asian Irish Leprechaun 01
Certainly, said Jack, this was a request he didn’t want to miss
for Jack had finally found the land of everlasting bliss.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 7th
2017.

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Jack O’ Hare On Saint David’s Day: A Short Poem

March 1, 2017 at 7:42 pm (Children's Story, Comedy, Humour, Poetry, Religion) (, , , , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare On Saint David’s Day: A Short Poem

Saint David’s Day today
Saint David the patron Saint of Wales
Some whales landed on Welsh shores
this Ash Wednesday 2017
claiming him as their Saint

Jack O’ Hare the wild rabbit ate some Welsh rarebit
in celebration.

-A short poem
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 1st
2017.

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Seeing An Old Friend Jack O’ Hare: A Poem

November 29, 2016 at 5:05 pm (Life, Literature, Nature, Poetry) (, , , , )

Seeing An Old Friend Jack O’ Hare:
A Poem

When my dad was still alive and I lived in his house,
there was a wild hare jack rabbit that lived in our back yard
that we called Jack O’ Hare.

He used to observe me when I worked on my computer downstairs
and my dad would occasionally look through the kitchen window watching Jack
as Jack watched me.

I was always fascinated how Jack’s fur changed colour throughout the seasons
In summer, he was gray
In winter, he was white, pure white in colour.

There was a neighbourhood pub I’d sometimes go to at night
And Jack would follow me there and then follow me home
I discovered this in the winter time when Jack’s footprints showed up in the snow
His footprints would lead up to the pub
and then lead back to my house

On one occasion in the winter when walking home,
I decided to turn around and look,
Sure enough there was Jack who quickly skirted behind a tree
when he noticed me turn around

My dad’s explanation for Jack following me
was that Jack was probably worried I’d end up drinking too much
and wouldn’t be able to find my way back home
so he was there as my guardian angel.

When my dad died and his most recent will and testament wasn’t found
and the house was sold by orders of my dad’s Estate
and I was forced to move,
I always wondered what became of Jack.

When I moved to Vancouver, in my writer’s imagination, I imagined Jack crossing the Rockies and coming to the West Coast to look for me
I imagined him living in Vancouver’s Stanley Park
waiting for me to show up
But we never connected.

This past July, I was evicted out of my Vancouver apartment when the rents got sky high
as Mayor Gregor Robertson slept while navel gazing in a yoga lotus position.

I moved back to Alberta
this time to Calgary
where I had to live 3 months in a homeless shelter

Eventually I did get into a place of my own this past autumn
Way on the northern outskirts of Calgary
Almost in the country and farmland areas

And today when I left my place to walk to the bus
There in an area of parkland I suddenly noticed a huge snow white coloured jack rabbit
about the same size that Jack O’ Hare was

We seemed shocked to see one another
I stood there staring at him
And he stood there staring at me with his ears perked up
After a few minutes of staring at one another
we went our respective ways
I- my bus to catch
And Jack O’ Hare- carrots to eat and female bunny rabbits to woo.

Of course in reality I know it’s not the same wild hare jack rabbit
Not the same Jack O’ Hare who used to live in my back yard and who used to follow me to the neighbourhood pub and back home again

But in my writer’s imagination, I’d like to think so
That it is the same Jack O’ Hare
a Jack O’ Hare who followed me across the Rockies to Vancouver
And then followed me back across the Rockies to Calgary
and at last, we’ve found one another again.

And who knows?
A very wise man once wrote these words,
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
Perhaps Jack O’ Hare and I have found one another again. πŸ™‚

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Sunday November 27th
2016

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Jack O’ Hare Vs. The Pirates: A Poem

May 17, 2016 at 6:00 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Fantasy, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare Vs. The Pirates: A Poem

His name was Jack O’ Hare
bunny rabbit extraordinaire
a wild hare jack rabbit from afar
who hopped around- didn’t drive a car

He decided to try sailing the Seven Seas
after eating some wild mushrooms with his peas
The name of his ship he called The Orange Carrot
Those who don’t like the name must grin and bare it

He soon heard of a nasty group of pirates and buccaneers
while downing on an island tavern quite a number of beers
These weren’t gentlemanly pirates like Captain Jack Sparrow
These were nasty cutthroats who’d cut you to the bone and eat your marrow

Jack decided to rid the 7 Seas of this terror
and he’d do it with no time to spare
He raised his bunny rabbit flag- an orange carrot
high on the ship’s pole so no one could tear it

And set off after The Black Heart
the pirate ship of Captain Grimstone Dark
the wickedest pirate e’er to sail the Seven Seas
who once cut off his First Mate’s nose to stop a sneeze

Jack O’ Hare caught sight of The Black Heart
and finding no place to park
dropped anchor where he was
and asked why, said “Because…”

He then lined up tomatoes and green potatoes and shouted “Fire”
And when the ship’s bunny flag dropped, he said “Higher”
The Orange Carrot flew proudly from the mast
And Captain Grimstone’s heart grew overcast
when suddenly he was hit by a green potato
and then suddenly splattered by a red tomato
The pirate terror was down
his face resembled that of a clown

The bunnies then jumped aboard The Black Heart
and made sure its sails came apart
so it would never again sail the 7 Seas
meanwhile Captain Grimstone was on his knees
his buns were tomatoed by Sherrielock Holmes
while bunnies took photos with their smart phones

Jack O’ Hare then sank the pirate ship
and tweeted on Twitter, that was quite the trip
Captain Grimstone Dark became a circus clown
and underneath a painted smile wore a frown
Jack O’ Hare returned to land
and played the trumpet in a band
you can see him hopping in many a parade
the one drinking carrot juice amongst a line of Gatorade

-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday May 17th 2016.

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In Praise of An Imaginary Friend: Jack O’ Hare A Character In My Writing

April 20, 2016 at 7:23 pm (Poetry) (, )

In Praise of An Imaginary Friend:
Jack O’ Hare A Character In My Writing

Reading about lands of magic
that deliver us from the tragic
Economies fail
Windstorms gale
Trouble trouble everywhere
into the dawn steps a magic hare
Jack is his name of Irish descent
into his Guinness his carrot went
He likes a beer and veggies too
through the gate he does hop through

Jack O’ Hare is his name
To hop and hop is his game
He had many an adventure here and there
laughed at kings and queens in their underwear
Sailed with pirates on the Seven Seas
even ate macaroni and cheese
Slew a mighty dragon
even drove a covered wagon
along trails of the Old West
seeking land that was the best

He is indeed the noblest hare of them all
having even sipped champagne with De Gaulle
He even bit Adolf Hitler in the rear
as Der Furher bent to examine some Bavarian beer.

Villains he has fought
Big floppy ears has he got
He’s listened to many a tale
and spotted at sea many a whale

Jack is a hero
Jack is my friend
Of his many exploits
there is no end.

-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday April 20th 2016.

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Jack O’ Hare’s Magic Carpet Ride: A Poem

January 5, 2016 at 8:45 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare’s Magic Carpet Ride

Now one might think folks are full of blarney
claiming to see leprechauns near Lake Killarney
but wild hare jack rabbit Jack O’ Hare
as he travelled across the Emerald Isle green and fair
claimed to have seen just that
so he told a Guinness drinking cat.

So Jack and the cat headed out
stumbling across the land round about
till they ran into Seamus the leprechaun
enjoying a dinner of steak and prawn

So Seamus, what’s up?
Jack asked sipping his cup.
Replied the wee leprechaun Seamus
who gazed with telescope at planet Uranus,
“I’ve got some magic mushrooms from Bavaria,
brought to me by a frΓ€ulein barmaid with a lovely pair of…”

“Coconuts!” shouted the cat looking at Seamus’ South Seas food ware
-tropical delights arranged with such care.

“That she had!”
said Seamus very glad.

Explained the leprechaun further, “She got them from Gunter Glockenspiel the Magic Garden elf
who often reads from Sherrie’s books on the shelf
while he warred with the Seven Evil Dwarves in the garden next door
while noble cat Tiger and noble dog Ambos slept in the house on the floor
he help himself to the evil dwarves’ plunder of magic mushrooms galore.

He sent some to me courtesy of FrΓ€ulein Helga
whose pair of knockers is really quite swell-a.”
So the three ate the mushrooms and had to agree
undergoing experiences of cosmic ecstasy
they learned to think psychedelically
and taught the clouds to sing in harmony.

It was really quite the magic carpet ride
stars and mermaids and surging tide
they had much to seek
and nothing to hide
For when they awoke, they found their clothes had gone astray
until they remembered, for 2 of them, it was always this way
while Seamus nude of derrière and red of face
ran and hid some place
They discovered he had hid in a stack of hay
and didn’t come out for many a night and many a day.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 5th
2016.

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Footprints In The Snow: A Poem

December 19, 2015 at 9:20 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, , , )

Footprints In The Snow: A Poem

Footprints in the snow
made not so long ago
they twist and turn
here, there, to and fro
by a beer drinking
bunny rabbit
with miles to go
what was in that smoke
I inhaled not so long ago?

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday December 19th
2015.

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